WELCOME. THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL,
IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I JUST WANT TO START OFF
TONIGHT WITH AN EARLY BLOOMING BOUQUET OF HAPPY FRIDAYS TO ONE
AND ALL. IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE,
BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYBODY IN MY AUDIENCE AND MY STAFF ARE ALL
FULLY VAXXED TO THE MAX ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UNFORTUNATELY, THAT'S NOT THE CASE EVERYWHERE. LAST WEEK, THE SUPREME COURT
STRUCK DOWN BIDEN'S VACCINE MANDATE FOR LARGE BUSINESSES. AND SHORT THREE THEREAFTERS,
STARBUCKS ANNOUNCED THAT IT IS NO LONGER REQUIRING EMPLOYEES TO
GET VACCINATED OR SUBMIT TO WEEKLY TESTING, WHICH IS HUGE,
BECAUSE THEY HAVE OVER 9,000 U.S. COFFEE SHOPS. AND THAT'S JUST IN A TWO-BLOCK
RADIUS AROUND THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER. DRINK OUR COFFEE! THIS POLICY HAS A BIG IMPACT ON
THE AMERICAN WORKFORCE BECAUSE STARBUCKS EMPLOYS 200,000
WORKERS. AND IT SEEMS LIKE NONE OF THEM
IS WORKING ON YOUR ORDER, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE PRETTY SURE
THAT LADY WHO JUST GOT HER CAKE POPS CAME IN AFTER YOU. WHERE ARE MY EGG BITES. IN A MEMO, THE STARBUCK C.O.O. TRIED TO HAVE IT BOTH WAYS,
EXPLAINING, "WHILE THE VACCINE RULE IS NOW PAUSED, I WANT TO
EMPHASIZE THAT WE CONTINUE TO BELIEVE STRONGLY IN THE SPIRIT
AND INTENT OF THE MANDATE." BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS YOU BELIEVE
IN A RULE LIKE NO LONGER HAVING IT. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S LIKE TELLING YOUR LANDLORD, "LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
I BELIEVE IN THIS BUILDING'S NO PET POLICY, EVEN THOUGH I'VE
ADOPTED A BENGAL TIGER. SHE SMELLS YOU-- RUN!"
( LAUGHTER ) THE C.O.O., ALSO-- DOWN, DOWN,
DOWN! THE C.O.O. ALSO EMPHASIZED THAT
MORE THAN 90% OF STARBUCKS WORKERS IN THE UNITED STATES HAD
DISCLOSED THEIR VACCINATION STATUS BUT, NOTABLY, HE WOULDN'T
SAY WHAT PERCENT OF THOSE WORKERS ARE NOT FULLY
VACCINATED. YEAH, NOT PARTICULARLY
COMFORTING: "BEFORE WE MAKE LOVE, I WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT I TOOK AN S.T.D. TEST, AND I KNOW FOR CERTAIN
WHETHER OR NOT I HAVE ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, LET ME JUST DIM THE LIGHTS BEFORE YOU GET A GOOD LOOK AT
WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH. YOU LIKE JACKSON POLLACK?"
WE HERE AT THE COLUMBIA BROADCASTING SYNDICATE WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT "THE LATE SHOW" IS NOT ONLY SAFE. IT'S 100% FREE, FIVE DAYS
A WEEK. HOW DO WE DO IT? >> Audience: VOLUME! >> Stephen: NOW, UNFORTUNATELY,
NOT EVERY ENTERTAINMENT PLATFORM IS QUITE SO GENEROUS. THIS WEEK, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT
NETFLIX IS RAISING THEIR PRICES. AND IF YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT
WHAT THAT MEANS FOR THE NETFLIX ACCOUNT YOU USE, DON'T WORRY--
THAT'S YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND'S MOM'S PROBLEM. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WITH THE-- SHE'S VERY NICE. VERY NICE. WITH THE NEW PRICES, THE COST
FOR THEIR MOST EXPENSIVE PREMIUM PLAN INCREASED $2 TO
$19.99 A MONTH. FOR COMPARISON, HULU COSTS
$12.99, DISNEY+ COSTS $7.99, AND CRACKLE'S PLAN IS STILL
"WE'LL PAY YOU! FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST TELL
PEOPLE WE'RE STILL HERE." ( LAUGHTER )
AND WHATEVER IT COSTS TO GET PARAMOUNT+, IT'S WORTH IT. "PARAMOUNT+: A MOUNTAIN OF
COTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED PLUGS." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NOW-- MAKE IT SO! THERE'S BIG NEWS IN N.F.Ts. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE
WONDERING WHAT THAT IS, LOOK IT UP AND TELL ME. I DON'T GET IT, EVEN THOUGH IT'S
BEEN EXPLAINED TO ME MANY TIMES, ONE TIME BY ME. WELL, WHATEVER THEY ARE, IT WAS
JUST ANNOUNCED THAT NEW YORK'S FIRST N.F.T. RESTAURANT IS
COMING SOON. THE RESTAURANT, WHICH IS CALLED
"FLYFISH CLUB," DOESN'T HAVE A LOCATION YET, BUT THE FOUNDERS
HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT THE MENU IS "SEAFOOD INSPIRED." ( LAUGHTER )
SO, GOLDFISH CRACKERS? ( LAUGHTER )
"SEAFOOD INSPIRED" ISN'T A THING. NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE A BITE OF
SOMETHING AND SAY, "WOW, THAT REALLY REMINDS ME OF A SHRIMP." ( LAUGHTER )
SO TO RECAP: WE DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS RESTAURANT WILL BE OR WHAT
THEY WILL SERVE. LET'S SEE IF ONE OF THEIR
FOUNDERS CAN EXPLAIN: >> "FLYFISH CLUB" IS GOING TO
BE A MODERN INTERPRETATION OF EVERYTHING THAT YOU LOVE AND
APPRECIATE WHEN YOU WALK INTO A RESTAURANT, BUT TURNED UPSIDE
DOWN, ON IT'S FACE, INSIDE OUT. >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,
"UPSIDE DOWN, ON ITS FACE, INSIDE OUT," BACKSIDE-FRONTSIDE,
LEFTY-TIGHTY, RIGHTY-LOOSEY. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS RESTAURANT
IS SO BACKWARDS, YOU'RE GOING TO EAT WITH YOUR BUTT AND POOP OUT
YOUR MOUTH. WHO'S HUNGRY? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S CRAZY! IT'S CRAZY! IT'S INSANE! YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO BE
MEDICATED. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE BOWLS OF
ZOLOFT. NOW, IF YOU WANT TO GET YOUR
NONEXISTENT SEAT AT THE MADE-UP TABLE, IT'S GOING TO SET YOU
BACK, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, A REGULAR MEMBERSHIP GOES FOR
ABOUT $7,900 IN CRYPTOCURRENCY, AND THE HIGHER LEVEL OMAKASE
MEMBERSHIP GOES FOR ROUGHLY $13,000. OR YOU CAN JUST GO TO RED
LOBSTER AND BE A DOUCHEBAG FOR FREE. WHAT'S THIS? HOLD ON, EXCUSE ME, WHAT'S THIS? FIRSTLY, THAT I DO NOT
HAVE AN EARPIECE. AND, SECOND, IT'S TIME FOR A
"LATE SHOW COMEUPPPANCE WATCH." NOW, REGULAR VIEWERS KNOW THAT
"COMEUPPANCE WATCH" IS A SEGMENT WE HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE. IN IT, WE OUTLINE POWERFUL MEN
WHO ARE ON THE VERGE OF GETTING THEIR COMEUPPANCE. AND TONIGHT, WE ARE VERY CLOSE
TO DISCOVERING THE IDENTITIES OF SOME OF THE FRIENDS OF
BILLIONAIRE SEXUAL PREDATOR AND ALL-AROUND HORRIBLE FORMER HUMAN
BEING, JEFFREY EPSTEIN. LAST MONTH, EPSTEIN'S FORMER
GISLANE-- PRISONER NUMBER 405-- WAS FOUND GUILTY OF FIVE FEDERAL
CHARGES AND IS FACING 65 YEARS IN JAIL. AND EVEN THOUGH THE NAMES OF
EPSTEIN'S PALS WERE SEALED IN A PREVIOUS CASE, MAXWELL'S LAWYERS
SAY SHE WILL NO LONGER FIGHT TO KEEP THE NAMES OF EIGHT "JOHN
DOEs" A SECRET. WHICH MEANS--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHICH MEANS SOON, A COMEUPPANCE
COULD BE UPPANCE-COMING. AND THESE JOHN DOEs COULD
BE ANY NUMBER OF POWERFUL MEN THAT HAVE BEEN SEEN WITH
EPSTEIN: FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON,
THE OTHER FORMER PRESIDENT, THE FORMER ALAN DERSHOWITZ,
FORMER MICROSOFT C.E.O. BILL GATES, OR PART-TIME CLARINETIST
WOODY ALLEN. IF IT'S REVEALED THAT ONE OF THE
"JOHN DOEs" IS WOODY ALLEN, IT COULD RUIN HIS REPUTATION. OF COURSE, ONE MAN WE DO KNOW
SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN IS ANDREW. YOU GUYS KNOW ANDREW? YOU MIGHT KNOW HIM AS
"PRINCE ANDREW," BUT LAST WEEK, IN LIGHT OF HIS SEXUAL ASSAULT
TRIAL, THE QUEEN STRIPPED HIM OF HIS TITLES. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, A NEW DOCUMENTARY IN THE UNITED KINGDOM IS OUTLINING SOME
OF ANDREW'S UNUSUAL BEDROOM HABITS. NO, NOT THOSE. ALTHOUGH, YEAH, PROBABLY THOSE. I MEAN, IN THIS CASE, HIS TEDDY
BEAR COLLECTION. FORMER ROYAL STAFFER PAUL PAGE
EXPLAINS: >> IT HAD ABOUT 50 OR 60 STUFFED
TOYS POSITIONED ON THE BED AND, BASICALLY, THERE WAS A CARD THE
INSPECTOR SHOWED US IN A DRAWER, AND IT'S A PICTURE OF THESE
BEARS ALL IN SITU ON THE BED. AND THE REASON FOR THE LAMINATED
PICTURE WAS THAT IF THOSE BEARS WEREN'T PUT BACK IN THE RIGHT
ORDER BY THE MAIDS, HE WOULD SHOUT AND SCREAM AND BECOME
VERBALLY ABUSIVE. >> Stephen: WOW. THIS NEW "PADDINGTON" MOVIE
SEEMS A LOT DARKER THAN THE ORIGINALS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS ELVIS COSTELLO. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND.
