>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND, EVERYBODY.
YOU GUYS. YOU ARE THE ONLY BIRTHDAY
PRESENT I NEED. FOLKS, AS YOU PROBABLY FIGURED
OUT, BECAUSE I KEEP MENTIONING IT, LIKE I DID JUST NOW.
TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. [CHEERING]
THANK YOU THANK YOU. AND AS I MENTIONED, THIS IS A
BIG ONE. 60.
IT'S THE KIND OF MILESTONE THAT MAKES YOU REFLECT.
BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I THINK AGING IS A GOOD THING.
>> Steve: YOU ARE WRONG, STEPHEN!
[CHEERING] >> Stephen: WHAT'S THAT?
MY GOOD FRIEND STEVE CARELL? STEVE, I WAS JUST EXPLAINING TO
THE GOOD PEOPLE HERE THAT I BELIEVE THAT GROWING OLDER
IS ACTUALLY WONDERFUL. >> Steve: AND I WAS JUST SHOCKED
TO HEAR HOW WRONG YOU WERE. >> Stephen: HMM.
IT SEEMS LIKE WE'RE AT AN IMPASSE,
A DISAGREEMENT. >> Steve: INTERESTING.
IT KIND OF REMINDS ME OF THAT LONG-RUNNING DEBATE SEGMENT
WE DID ON "THE DAILY SHOW," "EVEN STEVPHEN."
>> Stephen: YES IT DOES! WHAT SAY WE SETTLE THIS
THE OLD FASHIONED WAY? >> Steve: PISTOLS AT DAWN!
>> Stephen: I WAS THINKING "EVEN STEVPHEN."
>> Steve: MMM, I STILL LIKE THE PISTOL IDEA...
BUT SURE, LET'S DO IT! YOU JUST MADE ME VOMIT
IN MY OWN MOUTH. WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIEK
UP YOUR OWN ASS? TONIGHT'S TOPIC:
AGING. IS IT GOOD?
>> Steve: NO, IT ISN'T. >> Stephen: YES, IT IS.
>> Steve: NO. >> Stephen: YES.
>> Steve: NO! STEPHEN, WE ARE BORN ASTRIDE
A GRAVE, AND EACH DAY, THE CRUEL GRASP OF TIME PULLS US CLOSER
TO OBLIVION. YOU WILL NEVER BE YOUNGER
THAN YOU ARE IN THIS MOMENT, AND LET'S FACE IT, MY FRIEND:
YOU HAVEN'T AGED WELL. >> Stephen: WRONG AS USUAL,
STEVE. AGE RIPENS US LIKE A FINE WINE,
BECAUSE WITH AGE COMES EXPERIENCE, WITH EXPERIENCE
COMES WISDOM, AND WITH WISDOM COMES THE ABILITY TO SEE YOU
FOR WHAT YOU ARE: A SAD, DUMB IDIOT.
>> Steve: STEPHEN, IF YOU'RE SO WISE, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT
THE BEST YEARS ARE BEHIND YOU. YOU'RE JUST SPEEDING TOWARD THE
NEXT EXIT ON THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE: INCONTINENCE CITY.
POPULATION: YOUR PANTS. FOR ALL WE KNOW, IT'S ALREADY
HAPPENED. HOW COME YOU NEVER GET UP
FROM BEHIND THIS DESK? >> Stephen: STEVE, I JUST DID
THE MONOLOGUE RIGHT OVER THERE! >> Steve: YOU WERE YOUNGER THEN.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU STAND IN MINUTES.
YOU'RE DECAYING BEFORE OUR EYES, GRAMPA.
CAN YOU STILL HEAR ME, STEPHEN? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
>> Stephen: OH, YES, I RECOGNIZE YOU.
YOU'RE KIRKLAND BRAND RICKY GERVAIS.
STEVE, AGING IS A REWARD FOR A LIFE WELL LIVED.
AT 60, WALKING COUNTS AS EXERCISE, I CAN PULL MY PANTS UP
AS HIGH AS I WANT, AND NO ONE JUDGES ME FOR EATING DINNER
AT 4:30. MY DESSERT IS THREE MORE HOURS
OF DAYLIGHT. >> Steve: THE ONLY THING BIGGER
THAN YOUR DENIAL IS THE FONT ON YOUR PHONE, OLD MAN!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE OLDER THAN I AM!
STEVE, YOU'RE 61. >> Steve: SHUT UP!
>> Stephen: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING 61.
>> Steve: YES, THERE IS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
TO MEN IN HOLLYWOOD AFTER THEY TURN 60?
THEY PAIR US WITH WOMEN IN THEIR 30s.
30s, STEPHEN! >> Stephen: SO SORRY.
I HAD NO IDEA... AND I THOUGHT AT THIS POINT
YOU WORKED MAINLY WITH MINIONS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Steve: HA-HA, STEPHEN.& GOOD ONE!
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ALLOWED TO TELL JOKES ON THIS SHOW.
I BETTER ALERT THE NETWORK YOU'VE GONE ROGUE!
HELLO, CBS... SEE, THAT'S HOW OLD I AM.
I STILL DO THIS TO SIGNIFY A PHONE.
HEY, CBS, COME QUICK! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOUR OLDEST SHELDON! >> Stephen: I'M VERY HAPPY
WITH THIS JOB, STEVE. I GET TO TALK TO SOME OF THE
MOST FAMOUS AND FASCINATING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
AND ON OTHER NIGHTS, I GET TO TALK TO YOU.
>> Steve: I'M SORRY IF I'M NOT AS EXCITING AS A PAID
INTEGRATION WITH NISSAN OR THE 4:00 P.M. ANCHOR
ON MSNBC! >> Stephen: SHE HAS A NAME,
STEVE! AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
JUST ADMIT IT, CARREL. OF ALL PEOPLE, YOU SHOULD BE
GRATEFUL FOR EVERY PASSING YEAR. EACH ONE ADDING MORE DISTANCE
BETWEEN YOU AND "WELCOME TO MARWEN."
>> Steve: NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE GRAVITAS TO
BE CAST IN "THE LOVE GURU." >> Stephen: SAYS THE GUY WHO WAS
IN THE 2005 "BEWITCHED" MOVIE! >> Steve: WE WERE BOTH
IN THAT MOVIE! >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT ONE
IS A DRAW. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, STEVE?
I AM GRATEFUL FOR AGING, BECAUSE I'M GRATEFUL FOR MY
GROWTH. WHY WOULD I WANT TO LIVE IN THE
PAST, WHERE YOU AND I WERE FORCED TO SHARE AN OFFICE
AT A LITTLE CABLE SHOW, WHERE WE COULD EXPLORE OUR
COMEDIC VOICES LATE INTO THE NIGHT, BASKING IN THE
JOY OF DISCOVERY AS WE'D PASSIONATELY ARGUE TWO,
SOMETIMES THREE TIMES A WEEK. I DON'T NEED THAT ANYMORE.
IN FACT, I LIKE IT THAT THESE DAYS, WE ARGUE AT MOST
ONCE A YEAR. USUALLY ON MY BIRTHDAY.
WHEN YOU STOP BY FOR A PITY FIGHT.
>> Steve: WAIT. IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?
DO YOU MISS ARGUING WITH ME? ARE YOU WORRIED THAT THE SPARK
HAS GONE OUT? >> Stephen: WELL, IT'S JUST THAT
AS WE GET OLDER, IT IS A LITTLE HARDER TO GET YOUR ANGER UP.
[LAUGHTER] >> Steve: STEPHEN, IT'S OKAY.
WE MAY NOT ARGUE AS MUCH AS WE USED TO,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS SWEET WHEN WE DO.
>> Stephen: SO YOU THINK AS WE GET OLDER, OUR RELATIONSHIP
CHANGES BUT MAYBE IT ALSO DEEPENS?
>> Steve: NO. >> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
ARE YOU JUST SAYING NO TO BE ARGUMENTATIVE?
>> Steve: YES. >> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
DID WE JUST DISAGREE TWICE IN ONE NIGHT?
>> Steve: SURE DID, BUDDY. >> Stephen: WE STILL GOT IT.
>> Steve: AND STEPHEN, I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: PROMISE? >> Steve: YES, ABSOLUTELY.
ANYTIME I HAVE SOMETHING TO PROMOTE.
>> Stephen: THANKS, STEVE. THAT MEANS A LOT COMING FROM
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANKS, STEVE.
THAT MEANS A LOT COMING FROM AN ELDER.
>> Steve: BY LIKE A YEAR! >> Stephen: TICK TOCK,
MY FRIEND. >> Steve: HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
YOU DUSTY HAG! >> Stephen: THANK YOU,
YOU HIDEOUS CRONE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH VERY OLD MAN STEVE CARELL!
