Narcissists and virtue signaling

hi everyone its dr. Romani and today we're gonna talk about narcissists and virtue signaling it's really kind of a gross one so hang on to your hats hit that Bell if you're a new visitor to this please hit the Bell and subscribe if you subscribe you get notified about our twice a week new videos which are adding to an increasingly enormous of library of videos about narcissism as well as series we do and special events and lives and all that so let's talk a little bit about this idea of North narcissus and how they use virtue signaling a great place to start with this is to talk a little bit about and revisit the topic of the communal narcissist many of you may remember this term has been thrown around sometimes they've even been called the noble narcissists but the idea of the communal narcissists comes out of the work of a guy named Gabe our who isn't based in Germany and it's really really interesting work because basically the kind of the simplified version of what he's suggesting is that narcissus get their validation some narcissus communal narcissus get their validation from doing what look like good deeds that help many other people raising money for charity giving large donations engaging in sort of charitable endeavors like rescuing animals or rescuing people or cleaning out rivers all so far stay with me cuz you're like dude this is all nice stuff to do however the only thing that's motivating them to do this stuff is to get validation and if they feel like they themselves are not getting enough validation for saving the whales or whatever it is that they are trying to get validation for they will get very very irritable so they'll often be put off saying why isn't it where everyone recognizing all the good work I've done or I've done more than her these are definitely not people who are gonna give a donation labeled as anonymous they need to get credit for all of their big big ticket giving so that's what that's a good place to start on sort of understanding some of this but another thing that I've run into in a lot of the work I've done and I've actually gotten a lot of emails about this is how often the narcissist that they're with will use religion or their devotion to their religion or their piety as an excuse for their behavior and this is not focused on any one religion I have heard this come from people who have partners or family members who are Christian Jewish Islamic Hindu some religions I've never heard of people who are members of cult you name it so they will use religion as a way to almost give them an excuse but it's interesting because it's not just limited to religion narcissistic people will use all kinds of other things their commitment to some sort of daily yogic practice or some other new-age prattle or veganism or volunteering or whatever it is that's virtuous wherever it is you live I cannot tell you how many times again that I've run into religion being sort of the leader of the pack with this stuff as a way to defend bad behavior or as an excuse for their behavior I'm a good Christian so you should have known I didn't mean that or I was simply interpreting this particular good book whatever it is picked your book but they'll use that as their way to to not only defend their behavior but sometimes to keep people stuck in relationships whatever the good book is pick your good book the Good Book says people stick it out in their relationships and I cannot tell you what a manipulation that is for many people I have worked with who actually consider themselves to be people of faith that they're devoted to whatever their faith is but they're in a relationship with a narcissist and they're confused now thinking whatever this relationship is it certainly doesn't feel loving and it certainly doesn't feel godly or anything but when they try to get out of that relationship their narcissistic partner will bring up religion as an excuse and also as a way of saying you can't leave leave you can't leave this relationship that is a violation of what our faith says and then they'll Gaslight you and say mmm I guess that means you're not very pious and I guess that means God doesn't love you not a very good feeling the other thing that they may also do these virtue signaling narcissists is they'll use their virtue whatever it is religion or something else to isolate you I've heard this time and time again when a person in a narcissistic relationship with a person who says and they could even be from a narcissistic family where they're like we're better than everyone else because we are whatever we are they will use that to isolate you and say oh you shouldn't go talk to those other people they don't follow our faith you shouldn't talk to that therapist she's not in our religion and by doing that they do something that all abusers do they isolate you and the more they isolate you the more control they have now listen I think giving back to a community volunteering giving your time giving your resource to things that are meaningful to you and are in line with sort of your moral compass that's all good so please don't hear this as missing home I'm giving to charity my bad person no not at all it's all great it's about compassion and creating community which i think is so important especially in these really difficult times but it's no longer good when you start using that so-called virtue of yours to inflict superiority over other people or to give as an excuse for your bad behavior so it's sort of like saying you know hey they'll say something like why should I listen to you you're not very evolved you're not in my religion you're not pious enough your chakras aren't properly aligned Mercury's in retrograde so I don't need to be nice to you it starts to get to a really he plays and yet because they portray themselves as so virtuous like gosh they seem really evolved and they do do a lot of yoga and they do pray a lot and they're sort of really recognized in the church community maybe I'm the bad person and literally at that point you start gaslighting yourself I don't care what god or gods you follow I can't imagine any benevolent God wanting people to defame themselves in his or her or its name and there's a real danger to this even in the work I do I've gotten some really interesting pushback and I'm continuing all probably always will this idea of don't use labels don't call people narcissists don't call people toxic you shouldn't do that that's not good energy you have bad energy because you call people in our system I've heard that and it's really interesting to hear that because I'm the first one to say that you know yes obviously when you label someone you've put them in a box and you may not understand the depth of them but these these patterns obesey the invalidation the lack of empathy entitlement you know the grocery list they have a name we're using that as a shorthand but many times the very people who are narcissistic they're exactly the ones will say oh I don't understand you you you're so dismissive the way you use this label and at that time I often get a little secret smile on my face of my deal I'm sure you feel that way buddy cuz we've got your number okay and in the midst of saying this like oh you have bad energy or you're not very nice oh you don't have an open heart because you're calling me out on my behavior and then they'll even sometimes say they'll say you're not understanding it there is pain in this narcissistic person's background and we have to heal the TAM pain and maybe if you have tantric sex with him you'll heal his pain he'll know that's not your responsibility to heal their early pain it is the narcissistic person's the virtuous narcissistic person's responsibility to go back and do the work and not use it as an excuse to lash out they're people but they use their virtue to control other people so for example if you are in their yoga cult or their whatever cults they have running or they're they're zealous worship of whatever vegetable du jour that they're about then you're good but if you don't do what they're saying then you're not that's not how it works does it if you don't agree with me you're still a good person it doesn't matter but that's not how it's viewed in their world but because they frame it through this lens of virtue of goodness of religion or whatever it is it becomes a big massive manipulation as far as I'm concerned when you use any form of so-called virtue or religion or spiritual beliefs to humiliate shame invalidate or silence other emotions now you've gone into a toxic or narcissistic place if I had a dollar for every time a person has come to talk to me about how the reason they stayed in a narcissistic relationship is because they actually assumed that a devout very religious very observant very moral very holy person could never ever become be narcissistic or somebody who was a hyper recycler or cared so much about mother earth could never possibly be narcissistic or if somebody was vegan that meant they cared too much about animals to be narcissistic none of that there is no there's no virtue that lets anyone off the hook you don't get to behave like a jerk just because you have found something and you use your virtue like a weapon to hit other people over the head when you use whatever it is that you may stand for or you are about and you use that virtue as a way to minimize other people to put yourself above them as a way to Gaslight them and as a way to question them that's not virtue that's cruelty and that's unkindness whatever you do whatever is your moral compass and as you follow it and like I said that can be religion that can be your devotion to a cause that can be your dietary choices those can be your daily practices any of those things they're yours and if they make you feel healthy wonderful and if somebody asks you about them you can share them with them but they should never ever be used as a tool to act like you're better than somebody else that you're superior to somebody else and if somebody is trying to do that you're not as good as me you do not follow the book as well as me you are not as holy as me and uses that as a weapon against you in the name of something that actually is a commitment to something good narcissists do that all the time again it is very very common for narcissist to channel religion as a tool of abuse as an excuse as a way to Gaslight other people as a way of judging other people and as a way of shaming other people don't fall into that trap especially if you share that commitment to faith if that matters to you and that religion or that moral code or whatever that causes is being used against you as a weapon that's a sign and when they turn around and say to you well you're not as devoted to this as you should be recognize that you're being gaslighted hold on to your commitment to what's important to you don't bang other people over the head with it and recognize that just as once was said by Shakespeare the devil can cite scripture for his purpose narcissists can do it too so pay attention because this is a very tricky pattern and a lot of people assume that someone's virtuous or religious or holy or spiritual they can't be a bad person they can't be a dangerous person they can't be a toxic person quite the contrary many times narcissists are manipulative and clever enough to recognize that if they can co-opt one of these things like religion like spirituality they can actually use it as a tool with which to love bomb other people manipulate other people exploit other people and trick other people it's terrible to see it because they think there's many many good people out there where their devotion to faith and other things is really what elevates I mean gets them through the day and to watch the very thing that they value most be turned into a weapon can be really devastating but don't let it be a get-out-of-jail-free card judge a person by a person not by their faith not by whatever book they follow not because they do yoga not because they choose to eat kale not because they don't eat certain things but because they're good people respectful compassionate full of reciprocity and kindness that is a spiritual practice I could get behind thanks again for tuning in hit the belt subscribe again get more content like this and I look forward to talking with you again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 210,366

Rating: 4.94238 out of 5

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Id: gQ3MVR8YZ3M

Length: 14min 38sec (878 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 20 2020