MST3k 608 - Code Name Diamond Head

frank were hatching and they shot you'll have to sit and watch them all and we'll monitor with the help of his robot friends if you're wondering facts just repeat to yourself it's just a show i should really just relax for mystery science theater 3000. hey guys hey get a load of this it says here there was a house in saint paul minnesota that was knee-deep in garbage they had to use the bathtub as a trash receptacle can you believe that well that is pathetic you know benjamin franklin had a great quote about cleanliness actually i wrote it down it sleeps around here somewhere say uh do any of you notice a weird smell that he who smelt it dealt it he who denied it supplied it no it's not that kind of smell oh yeah i know it's uh kind of a faint soggy rotting melting industrial grandma smell yeah i smell it too i wonder what it could be 1-800-682-7979 1-800-682-7979 what is it kind of a genitate jack strap rotted meat vanilla catcher mitts squirrel horseradish slim jim crappie kind of thing just vaguely uh maybe not whoa uh dirty boy and service master are calling oh i got it oh mike yark icky look at you you're living in your own filth you don't see us doing that do you i see how clean frank is thank you clay and you're very clean also and you smell wonderful well frank as you know i bathe myself thoroughly whenever i get the chance well i make the time to scrub myself six times every day oh yeah well i'm constantly digging under my nails between my toes and behind my ear i soak myself for three hours after every meal i've basically been in the shower since tuesday and you stopped and the slime and the dirt just ooze oh you're a fine one to talk you with your clammy body i'm you're a clown you're king clown clammy clammy clammy clammy clammy clammy clammy clammy you know guys i think we all the man's a hearty thanks it did get a little out of hand up here eh yeah it's fun to clean and you know look at all the great stuff we're finding too look at that hey that's my mother well still everything's got to go bye mom okay let's take a look at a job well don a kamba give me rocket number nine hey again thanks for the gentle hint guys whoa oh hello that thing's still moving i see a germ i see a disgusting worm on you but anyway mike first up a day at the fair then we have code name diamond head push the button frank look at it push the button i'm not done washing oh i'll get it oh you would do that okay there that makes us feel a whole lot better huh yes and it brightens the place up this is the fairground where the fair is held any questions so far every year about this time this becomes a place of work and excitement and romance and intrigue these plucky kiwanis stand to make a bundle here the fun of the face in the making all the shows and rides and make-believe of the midway freddy krueger here too from far and near farm folks are bringing in the products of the harvest the choicest of their animals their dates the finest of the things that are grown on the farms thank you thank you couldn't have done it without all that here here at the oldson's farm pain is everywhere too that raises dead end kids into the truck goes one of the calves that johnny olson has raised tell us what they've won johnny olsen boys is taking his finest calf to the fair this is johnny the mean one his bigger brother bob they need rogaine sister anne is going too let me out she's taking her four pigs hitler's death card but first she must see what mr olsen is taking to the fair oh not your gallstones henry the sample of his corn the very finest ears and the small of his neck is nice too everyone ready no it's time to go no one can explain why father is 85. and now they're off with their corn their pigs and their calves we still have a day of work and a fun at the fair slow down you're doing 15. there's no one driving it's a phantom truck here in the big cattle barn on the fairground folks are at work early tending and grooming thank god methane rises bob and johnny are there early too they're getting their calves ready for the show did donna do this rinse they comb and brush the calves coats until they are smooth and sleek heads gone stop rubbing boys want the calves to look their best you want bangs this time let's go with bangs honey this would be so nice over here anne is busy grooming her pig dad heads for the caning exhibits she powders them all over to make them look whiter a sprinkle of day keeps odor away see how spotlessly clean they are which makes them so attractive who cares their pigs but now there's time to go sightseeing johnny goes first to see the fish i like fish you say these bass would make good fishing if only they were in the creek back home well see they were in the creek but they've been caught and that's why they're here at the 4-h club show anne stops to see the model rooms what's the grandma these have been made by the 4-h club girl look at that brother bob is interested in the butterfly collection two interesting here's a beautiful case of butterflies and moths this is one of the many exhibits made by the 4-h club boys later these moths turn up in the mouths of bob's victims anne and her mother like to see the home canning show here are rows of fine canned fruits and vegetables yeah but adam thinks her mother's canning is just as nice pickles pack the stands for the pickle races what's this evil homemade cake oh thank you miss crew shout out the judge is deciding which one of them is best oh this is good enough first she feels the cake then she rubs it into her hair she tastes it what the hell is this judging cakes ought to be fun but this woman sucks the joy out of it here in the grain show mr olsen is watching while the judge decides which farmer has the best corn i'll pay ya come on pick mine the judge feels the weight and shape of the ears it's all done behind protective chicken wire then he looks at the evenness of the rows of grain yes and the size and shape of the colonel oh my yes yes nice oh surely none of the corn is quite as fine as mr olsen don't tell your mother we've been here soon it's time for lunch let's go eat something gray most of the visitors at the fair have a quick bite at one of the lunch stands no i'm lost mother and a foot long hot dog looks mighty good to these boys watch the boy on the left his heart's about to explode wait but here at the 4-h club camp many of the farm boys eat they get fried chicken with all the trimmings what tinsel little lights this is an actual 4-h feeding frenzy other fair goers like to picnic on the grass like this grazing in the grass is a gas baby can you dig it next up freaks of nature still has lots to see this is a jet plane where's the corn going i wonder what it would be like to fly it over cambodia secretly maintaining plausible deniability here is a tractor it's much like the one bob's father has except this one doesn't have father's arm stuck in it he knows how to drive this all right okay i'm half him out of the interstate and i'm out of here say listen to the band it's time for the parade it's the girl core 100 magnificently trained girls here we are now entertainers i feel stupid and contagious admiral halsey joins the fun the family of shame captured pilots are paraded before the citizens women are excited by seeing the word member oh my the parade is put on by the farmers clubs from all over the state scientists aren't sure what this represents float was made up by one of the 4-h clubs in about two minutes now at the grandstand the races are beginning get the car there's carrots in the car carrots i love carrots here come the racers down the track in the way a wheel slices into the crowd killing three still nothing measures up to those bass huh um here they come up the back stretch i gotta go i gotta my bob gets there just in time they're into the curve and they're into jazz come on you chunk of dog food i gotta use allowance on you they're going into the home stretch oh hey guys wait up and here they come across the finish the race is over and the oak ridge boys take the stage dad i owe big lenny 42 large now it's time for the calf show bob and johnny are putting the finishing touches on their calves adding hooker headers and decals father of course stands by doing nothing now the boys take their calves to the arena where the show is beginning first is the evening gown competition we have some tape of the cavs playing on the beach earlier this week into the big shadowy arena many other boys and girls are leading their calves here come bob and john i'm not sweating they take their places in a long line of losers the judge is to choose which among all these cavs is the best but all the cavs are winners really it's just great that they got involved johnny hope he'll choose theirs hey that's my scar up here the folks are looking on let's get busy in the car honey now the judge is coming down the line he looks at each calf closely with a practiced eye and quickly sees the best and the weakest point he is all all-knowing and wild he orders the doubtful cavs out of the show the masked avenger cow is eliminated i hate these cattle calls bob loses out bob hates himself but what about johnny he's still in line and now the judge wants to see his calf in the open he realizes he had not known cow until this day he looks at johnny's calf very carefully he feels a stirring but what's this here's johnny back in line well it looks like he has a winner men are fools dear remember that now the judge is picking out the champion of them all i am the greatest careful work to choose the calf with just the right size and build and weight and firmness and overall panache one by one the judge ranks the calves and sends them back to their proper places in the line life goes on dull as before at last the choice is made but he won't tell anyone it's so frustrating the judge's work is done he has picked the winners quite a cool getting clarence darrow to judge and the crowd goes wild well the champions blue ribbon goes to a girl the cows are furious johnny gets a ribbon too yeah and his calf is a win look at this i gotta stick in the rhythm now the day's work is over and it's time for fun so they leave the fair the gates to the midway open on a hundred ways of having fun or you can just get hammered there are shows and games of every kind and best of all a thrilling ride on the giant ferris wheel it's the man in the hat exhibit musty cardi is drunk by 10 a.m here they go quickly into the seat with the bar fastened tight to keep them in safely goodbye susan if anything should happen i love you i love you too petey and now the wheel turns up up high in the air and this is how it seems to ride the big ferris wheel it's this disappointing the director got already here roller coaster and now for a ride on the whip this is how it seems to ride on the swooping whirling whip this is how it seems to be thrown clear as the cable snap too soon the rides are over the lawsuits begin and too soon all the fun comes to an our end are very happy they've had a wonderful day at the fair you spent your nickel we're done wow tonight on generic tv movie weather-wise it's such a sunny day hey watch out for my bike hey crack their code i'm pretty sure it's called diamond head code name cubic zirconium head quinn martin considered this his most personal film father what a waste is he our action hero i want to see don hall war dear would you see what little elvis is up to a little maui wowie to start things off hey that's no priest that's lovejoy rosie o'donnell in the gauntlet i want a picture i love joy susan you sit next to love joy i think martin short i see my latest exhibit meets with your approval apparently jack lord doesn't even like it here huh taking a greyhound of hawaii wasn't a good idea mr jesus you have a nasty habit of surviving that's mine i think that's mine we'll find that one yeah ah the gripping luggage sequence i'm not going to tell you what happens i'm just going to say someone's luggage gets lost oh mr handbag once again i see that you are not on the carousel yet well they better not lose my saint peter's finger bone looks like they just got out of gym class that guy's a sinner they're all sinners anything to declare i declare my genius hey that guy what was that guy well hello and nominee poetry anything to declare father i'm love joy oops not unless you wish to make a donation i'm on a fundraising tour of your lovely island yeah anything to declare maybe next time good luck thank you kisses enjoy the cocaine father luggage for fly 205. take over for me damn it security guard this is not your personal war oh yeah it's a little vatican i just met one of your priests real nice guy thanks message for mary what do you want i was about to have my food cocktail and now i've got to get off the couch wacko hi i'm genie at devry hey anybody here know on aunt mary corbin project how can we help you go ahead you're clear to send message to aunt mary tree may be in paradise the hell does that mean over on surveillance roger message received what is the nature of the priest over i should call aunt mary more often sir uh you just waiting for my sister can i help you what are you doing this is a job for a regular what the guy was i in i know i know me hi mom can you follow that priest thanks i'm oding on intrigue why needs to go coconuts just no good why are you dropping me here they are really exploiting the island locations code name gran torino this guy screams ford administration yeah how many of these crappy hawaiian pesos you want there someone should make love to this man well you only rent holy water i'll just get a bulletin and tell mom i went well it's just a whim to follow that guy now i'm gonna get in trouble at work hello i'm no longer at la brea772 ha come back to t where are your friends and family now well we finally got those horrible paintings off the ceiling well you know the angelos were here and they love that sort of thing but there's this wonderful natural brick underneath just this is why i dislike organized religion vatican ii the final recording my cover now i won't be able to give you my blessing go in peace and live no more the bells of saint murder dying my lord hey you trying to give me the hi-hat ed asner on ukulele jeez have a sandwich that's the smallest pool table i've ever seen we're the biggest woman somebody told me i had the personality of one of these so i'm curious looks like he's got about oh 15 cents in his pocket there play pool the pat boone way ah the patented fan roll waist well no visible panty line i can name that crotch and ah i say the sixth ball in the corner there hundred says you don't even come close yeah i'll make it a deuce and i'll shave it any way you want you got it random hey johnny isn't there anything you won't bet on yeah marriage yeah no percentage stupidest bet i've ever seen friend no checks none of that hawaiian wampum buck great here comes my mom aloha folks nothing to see here keep it moving aloha all right we're looking for mr quinn martin twin martin yeah we found your dog on the highway johnny paul yeah you're under arrest for what a and b aggravated on the person of one harper conyers jr harper conyers jr with the welsher you believe this steve had a frank and open discussion about his personal finances all right the charges were dropped a month ago i was told to bring you in period paragraph all right i'm all yours marie keep the party going huh baby oh she'll look like a game of ring toss before the night's over corner pocket hey you wrecked the game roy thinness is locked outside for life mr woodman look cutter i don't like your kids looks like he belongs on the ben hogan tour yes mary i could have found you without this escort i needed you fast besides it's good for your image so was the luau i was having well i could have been pruning roses now there's a time and there's a place for fun and games i was stir-frying because that's why you cashiered me out of the navy and stuck me into this assignment in paradise i know my people besides with three generations of annapolis blood in your veins i knew you wouldn't turn me down okay enough max well next time you use a telephone with you telephones can be tapped this place can't trouble huh i need the first team do you know this man sean donovan love joy yeah i can't play this tab one of the best until he went freelance and sold out his whole network 28 agents this was in 1973. a year ago he was spotted by a stringer in manila new identity code name tree you should branch out a tree here in honolulu i had a call this morning from one of my men at the airport before i could get back to him he was found hanging from a rope in a church yeah well the navy is working on a new magnetic torpedo at kaneohe project magnolia lab is working on 21st century chemical explosive audit makapuu the korean ambassador is due sometime this week they're loading a new phoenix missile on the aircraft carrier and we've just opened a new top-secret telecommunications center for the entire pacific intelligence command it's not top secret right now one of those reasons or something else donovan has used at least 12 different identities he's a master but he likes ladies and he likes gambling in that order now i want you to find him find out why he's here and stop him i'll give you all the people you want ah sulu and so saying that's all i need oh and bernie are you certain your gambler cover is clean stop yelling well it better be because if you know about tree tree knows about diamond head you have a great name you can play on it shut up i give you 20 to 1 odds i find him first you got that louden wayne right hey do you mind i'm reading here is that smell do you have to breathe on me shut up geez oh wait i want to read you siding all right that's it little boy come on come on we are going to dance come on be nice is it so hard to be nice yes you know you guys shouldn't open these pop cans if you're not gonna finish them okay all right now be nice all right i'll see you sure thanks mike good advice dope if you ask me mike would be a little more interesting if he weren't so nice oh is that so magic voice seems to me you two don't appreciate mike the way you should that's why kambot through the magic of his advanced computer technology has put together a little presentation to give you a little peek of what it would be like to be around someone who wasn't so nice watch the monitors look at that siro yeah i'd like to learn that magic trick fun huh yeah i suppose you think you're being a smart aleck don't you miss hey let me tell you something i'll wipe that smile right off your face i was just i was just still shut your pie hole i know a thing or two about a thing or two i'm not going to take any lip from you i'll tell you that right now but we didn't do we didn't you shut your pie hole oh oh don't hit me don't hit me i'm not going to raise any sissies i'll tell you that right now i know a thing or two about a thing or two you guys got it easy around here i'll tell you that right now look at this who opened this pop is this pop done is this pop done look at that look at that pop is that done you finished this pop what about you look at this did you put this pop down here look at that is that done that's not done that's a gun pop okay okay we're gonna seat it up turn it off turn it off you guys done to these magazines oh all right uh okay if i finish your soda 007 call now that's right father honolulu is the fastest growing city in the world i liked it better when the clipper just flew in once a week oh yeah i remember the day when there were just two hotels on waikiki yeah the name receiver paradise sacrifice to progress only three people living in the rectory this is myself uh father wong and miss ho no yoho she's over 70. she's been my housekeeper for 16 years well apart from the poor soul who died up there sanctuary oh that was terrible that was just terrible sorry beef oh yes there was a father horton a jesuit missionary you know he had to leave just after he'd been here for an hour he had some bad news from home he said he's a lovely man lovely man they have to travel along no i did see the two men who came for him they were all parishioners he said asians just just one of them twisted old limey well this is a very nice place i could see why families is still got it hey johnny you want an autograph no why i didn't know you could ride a job heavy heavy fish a couple of strangers in town back alley types one caucasian dark and wiry other is asian i think he's japanese you gotta find him all right sure can do all right but listen zulu these guys are heavyweights so ask quiet like a mouse you are a delightful man the lovely l hawaii condominiums with off street parking bell bottoms cleaned daily boy is this authentic around here golly yeah hmm let's see if i don't eat for a month the world of susie wong cpa hmm did i want separate checks she's look she's plucked her forehead to death yeah well my phd's worth a hell of a lot no my bones came through my skin again guess who don't you ever knock supposed to fun yeah fun yeah fun i think the fun is already spoiled yep you better find this man fast there he is he might be working with the same outfit that nailed you in bangkok don't starve you know how rough they play it's a bar where nobody knows your name okay she leaves my line is uh so uh you guys hiring any bus help or anything i get a water some crackers did it said i never got my side of the product to my family all of them i'm gonna sit this scene out if you don't mind i know how rough they play are they talking about the same thing why johnny why us well we'll always have something or other every day people get shot down bowing people get tortured by professionals who were paid by so-called patriots like marty ingles it's unfashionable for presidents to lie diplomats to steal oil companies to sponsor revolutions look just take your last paycheck i'm sorry but you ate out of the bus top some people can live with the taste i can't we didn't start the fire maybe i just like to play with matches there's my smile looks like it hurts to do that as long as we don't burn our fingers we won't oh my fingers hey she's wearing ooga horns well where do we start well well let's look at my deductions we don't know what cover he's using it'll be british irish australian french italian poppy seed hot ranch for the description this one likes pretty ladies you're getting warmer likes to gamble your back room roulette uh how many words sounds like that's for members only and we're healed swingers with an awful lot of letters so sing what i'm trying to tell you is that you're not gonna have to look hard this guy's in hawaii he's gonna find you oh are they in hawaii okay i'm stuck in this position help puppy chow i'm so hungry actual lovejoy footage always been promoted to monsignor mrs bates wants her hair back i've had such a [ __ ] of a day it's either the world's worst haircut or the world's worst wig vatican t-shirts move with you qaddafi wearing a leisure uniform uh where's my picture curtis yeah there it is the only south american junta leader in the american army robbie robertson on dress-up day damn they gave me clown white by mistake i feel pretty now some red red lipstick to bring out my teeth oh no sir not othello don't know why they wanted me to go undercover's kale channing what hey what happened to ian mcshane going as john waters oh dubby's going as rip taylor i'm a general it's funny not really a perfectionist is he now who's that guy oh it's me i'm kidding absolutely now i can take towels wherever i get admiral sid dithers that's it get out i don't want to talk about it so just just get out go hey look it's ann to neil do you have a brunch here my name is commander yarnell would you call uh colonel miller butler please and tell him that we're here starting this sir you see nobody knows what i'm in tell commander yarnell i'll be right down i'm dressed right for the hot tub they're stealing his blue blockers love joy versus love joke pose a pick in his nose wow whoa wow oh gotta get some reading glasses there i am the very model of a modern major general not bad at all i do say so much hi lovejoy colonel hey it's lovejoy commander i always enjoy a vacation from the pentagon professor n ping from the university professor i hear you and your colleagues have got some surprises for us up with macaproo and what they tell me i hope we're the last men on earth to see it hey this is a tv movie ripoff you and your chaperone will travel to what is apparently hawaii oliver twist had more hawaiian locations in this movie the kentucky cycle has more hawaiian locations ah the all cat food store yeah i gotta pick up a can of tampons for my girlfriend you have any canned items across the street room 205 in a bowl did the rest just looking thanks akiro sakai a street kamikaze from tokyo is he doing a limerick he's a professional assassin the other guy is ernest graver once a contract hitman for each german intelligence always a contract hitman for east german intelligence tahiti home now don't smell the bok choy very bad dudes where are they now staying with mom mama chong's eating steaks uh i love three regular two they show up honk twice huh yeah sure hey hey you gotta pay for the shiva the hell did i park a lot of goofing off in the undercover business the igra sanction had more hawaiian locations in this movie it's the kookiest surveillance ever you promised sid and nancy he'd stop by he lives in hawaii but somehow he still has a furnished room in saint paul just have the urge to clean this lock spidery hands gollum breaks into an apartment ah now the pale paragon cable just here to drill through your hardwood floors wow that's a big-ass phone it's like daddy-o's apartments except for the big-ass phone forget it no way there's not a natural fiber on that man you're gonna call sydney australia take one of these now and take one after every phone call well it doesn't do anything but at least he knows it's in there this is the movie poster right there sold millions isn't that that guy who was on that show what the show is oh exactly sort of a canony macmillan wife type of thing rope had more hawaiian locations than this film sorry he's wearing mary tyler moore's pant suit well he wants the match there i'll put it back it's kind of weird it's shirley hemphill official what am i gonna do i'm on cool they put in a matchstick and it's foolproof saves on a costly alarm system you'll smell high karate something fierce hey this thing is damp carmen miranda's in there now back to the jaunty roy finish theme this is so almost mitchell it's about 50 pounds short of mitchell back to the exciting tuna store i planted a bug where they be sure to find it when they do they move on tree i hope you stay with them huh right man he's got a conveying incomprehensible plot points well it's been nice being here in downtown fargo but i should be getting back to hawaii this is too nice a place for a deadly game of cat in-house oh people gotta start buttoning their shirts in this movie everything seems all right trust the match one thing is sure we had a visitor let's take this place apart let's put the ceiling where the floor is danny let's get a two-bedroom next time it's crowded in here are these your tap pants i need to call dad it's been too long premature flu music there's always been a bug in here right it's okay all right there's a rattlesnake in my phone the new cadillac lease program on a simple upfront payment of 47 000 you can't have van dykes in the navy well it's a slacker navy see i've written a lot of checks to devonnie's go right in sir got the navy wrapped around their fingers yeah you jerks are no better than me glad i went through boot camp for this join the navy and see the world yeah more like open gates it's a security guard gee they fenced in the entire ocean making a stop at the lumber yard i see we need some plywood and a thing to roll the garden hose on okay do you have brunch why hello captain stubbing meryl gentlemen uh you've already met professor ann ping hi mr professor dr sherman dr yamamoto this is colonel butler not love joy a pleasure what's with your mustache this isn't the pentagon colonel but i think you'll find this interesting oh i'm sure i will shall we begin the beginning never mind for security reasons we maintain our experimental laboratory below sea level sure you do our test began with a rare cone snail called the cloth of gold holy cow are they below contact its microscopic needles inject alkaloids which paralyze the central nervous system instantaneously but it's so good with kids we extracted the liquid poison vaporized it added some leather dioxin sterile gas in its own right the result was astounding gotta finish alphabetizing my cds i'll see you huh i'd like to suggest that mike is less than a fulfilling roommate but i'm afraid magic voice thank you crow i'm not finished with you yet let's see what it would be like if you lived with oh say a crash test dummy brad roberts that was close yeah point taken magic voice all right got the cds alphabetized who's for yahtzee oh yes newbie sign in three seconds with unlimited killing potential amazing biochemical breakthrough incredible but you must stop these tests we outlawed chemical warfare eight years ago how much of this gold cross have you made only after the underwater test we've destroyed the rest normal precautionary measures colonel we can't have these experiments falling into strange hands of course i think i don't know that i see what precautions you've taken and stop thinking that i'm lovejoy we maintain two safety checks then that's about it the gas is locked in this compression chamber and kept under pressure then your class ring is buffed and polished oh that's no good that'll ruin a planet additionally the vial itself is also pressurized i mean usually it's pressurized and we pay a high school kid to keep an eye on it and your research still got two weeks before the reports due it's all been recorded on tape formulas chemical compounds every step of the test from the very beginning including the exact amounts of the mixture but when do we see the underwater test colonel surely you've seen enough commander your report mentioned two tests until i see bolton and i am not authorized to give a final judgment i hate you very well colonel gentlemen we have to fumigate the tank destroy the toxin we have to completely redo the upstairs noon tomorrow i was gonna play golf but no i know they think i'm dennis weaver you think i'm dennis weaver too don't you yes you do we'll be on several of those shirts hello there i'd like to make a person-to-person call from that one guy to that other guy maybe i should introduce myself maybe he'd like me telephone for colonel butler call for colonel butler or lovejoy it's hard to organize a hunter in vacation land colonel butler speaking thank you well give him his binky and put him in his crib i don't know there's something else nobody quite knows where they've seen me ever planted that bug he's an amateur wrong there's an american in deep cover here code named diamond head and he's good he made it too easy for you meaning what meaning he expects you to lead him to me you're being followed first lose diamond heads man then set up at the diving shop contact our friend damn i'm on speakerphone to prepare the alternate escape route just in case we go tomorrow as planned but what about this diamond head he's looking for tree you'll find him oh it's my job tell sakai to call me i'll do the rest hold it turn beautiful perfect tonight one of these three contestants will find out where they've seen this guy tom jones look at that shirt when you're proud of your crack and it shows speed starring piano reads the fbi is going to pay us all to surf i better get to the banana splits auditions genie he would have to have dry vocals the hair is built into the hat oh it's probably sherry she probably wants to talk about the breakup again what can i doodly do you for i come up yes he's he needs some st you know so now where's that skort outfit i packed wow ah and i tell you i get no respect no respect oh everybody wants a piece of lovejoy only any said you wanted me you know where i sway there's a disco called the dragon lady moored in honolulu harbour be outside on the upper deck at 2 200 hours problems i'll be posing as that gentleman phillips very british very obvious very fair well that guy take a good look i'd hate to be a case of mistaken identification that could be fatal we're taking a midnight stroll did georgia my instincts are correct i'll be having company unwelcome company i understand one second right turn down the bed will you no marks no hits no errors nothing for the authorities that guy if you walk out that door he's very raccoon a good thing he uses smudge proof eyeliner ed shaughnessy hawaiian style a salute to careful shaving i don't know what it is or how it's done but i like it san diego chicken now all right here for the daniel anyway fundraiser now he's going to have a montclair moment any minute now serve vodka with one ice cube only good luck buddy we have one dear bartender i like you to like me check one she's saran wrap would you give this to so sure mr lovejoy give everyone an ice cube on me that's all annoying music night down here hope someone else is hearing that stomp ladies and gentlemen stomp it's gone i could have done that mr phillips you asked to see me not wearing that i didn't your reputation doesn't do you justice what's your pleasure my pleasures are personal i never mix them with business beauty and brains in the same lovely package you know your back room is almost as famous as you are they say that's a lady then she should be quoted whoa we got a live one here jackie what you feel better now be sure to come back i'm freezing you a special ice cube yeah uh north star rice yeah i need another ice cube well i better make it four so thing wants you fanto what answers not goldfish the house shows 10. you seem to do well here how much is a for worth you know i give my customers what they want the exotic orient and nook of a anything else information for example information is like sex you can sell it 50 times and you still own it sex an exchange then you for diamond dad i don't understand hmm good ice cube five years ago an american intelligence agent in bangkok lost her cover the family was liquidated and she was subject to the usual brainwashing you know however people got her out and they relocated her here in hawaii naturally under an assumed identity is this your dessert menu birthday prayer for a special friend kate jackson ooh the smart one you have a saying all agents look alike that is so racist oh i wouldn't bet my life on that whoo-hoo i mean there's a contract out on this girl and there are certain types here in honolulu who would enjoy collecting it it's a weird hatch his diamond head you have made a mistake i do not knock you now he's got his own air bag racco p20 sure saying anyone ever tell you this is against the law diamond head where's your dynamic head uh it seems i win we are playing for matchsticks oh blue tips strike anywhere um congratulations that's one for this johnny paul friends call me diamond i should warn you johnny does this for a living oh that pay good well i chase him away you know in retrospect the luggage scene was really fascinating oh yeah you look like a gambling man mr phillips well i uh i take risks i'm in this movie aren't i only when i know the odds and the adversary you make a game of chance sound like a battlefield oh love joy when the stakes are high that's exactly what it is a gospel according to napoleon spoken like a true fat spoken like a military man i'm lost is this an action sequence uh actually i'm into the money game you know real estate investments that kind of thing a little bit of fun trying to get a conversation but only when i know the odds the house was a queen stan play these blackjack the house wins correction you will save warfare is everywhere it's been a uh pleasure mister diamond paul mr paul you try the ice cubes i hear of any good investments i'll be sure to look you up you do that is it just me or did nothing happen it's one rotten poker player he knows who i am he knows who you are and he knows who he is get zulu here fast and you stay here wait for my call she looks like jiminy cricket sir sir we're setting up in here sir could you oh man i want those bell bottoms action kendall is there take a picture last longer you know when this originally aired at this point everyone had turned to carter country hi zulu you better come over as fast as you can jenny craig put me in reverse isn't it time phil johnny fajita well maybe i overreacted what'd you do that for like a bird like a plane like an idiot well one more minute he gets his advanced beginner certificate come on you guys gotta see this that's a little accident everything's under control my ties on the house come on help i can't swim hello unfortunately polyester washes up so nice told you to stay put oh it's my fault can you use me to get to you what are you talking about this man was waiting up there long before it's trees been ahead of us every step of the way what happened tree cyanic acid pack from up there uh-huh got drunk and fell over huh you're lucky there's the one called sakai what about graber i lost him he made a phone call at waikiki then he evaporated it's three again you gotta find those two they gotta have a backup house somewhere you okay no i'm not but you get moving i'll bring you the heads on a plate what about me you bring the sauce out of it why they broke your cover you got to go home lock your door and stay there don't let anyone accept me how about you they think i'm dead got an edge johnny please yeah i know be careful actually no kind of looks like squiggy now code name diamond head cold captain i have an aunt mary code seven line two it's on scramble i'm not here johnny tree broke my cover ow he knows who so sing it he went for the phone tap number took a big risk in showing himself he's ready to move all right i'll tighten up security all over the island use the name basil phillips british i don't think you'll turn anything same up same place you answers sure what with all the poi code name bobby goldsboro hair undercover midnight fantasy oh daddy no our whole family gathered around the tv to watch her on this show ted turner in frenzy go get help i'm sorry sorry i'd have to check your pass again i'm betting they filmed this scene the same day as the other scene brilliant they're doppelgangers doppel coppers thank you colonel hi mr mcleod could i stand on that side of the door for a while oh we're so far down we have the best sorry we're running a little late oh please push it doctor the army keeps on a tight schedule may i use your phone certainly decompression temperatures doctor do you have a readout from the test yesterday yes colonel is that a local call the barometric components varied dramatically from previous tests dialings the expansion of the biochemical reaction was greater than we had expected yeah boy i sure get a lot of messages certainly the compression factor went beyond our calculations um yes honey i'll be here a while contain the unexpected aberrations of compression and heat and basically pretty popular you know i'm afraid some of our electronic recording instruments were not adequately programmed well the navy keeps ships in commission a long time doesn't it and those of you who would like to be keel hauled go to the right those of you to be pin-swiggled please make your way to the left built by the scots in 1878 is one of the largest four massive square riggers ever constructed she later sailed from san francisco and was converted to an oil tanker and led a long life-braiding oil to hawaii but enough about me now the sole surviving example of a sailing oil tanker roy finis a cop who doesn't stay in line ah the curiosity hello money penny you're right about basil phillips he died 40 years ago in infancy all tree did was phoning up a passport so it's a dead end anything on trees men not yet or running out of time excuse me my underwear is buzzing me macintosh control the body of colonel butler was just found apparent accidental drowning since he was cleared top secret i thought you'd want to know thank you oh and the tourists all know who you are butler was a top ordinance expert pentagon he arrived here two days ago what was he doing here like a poo point that's it tree was taking butler's places after the chemical explosives this is ann mary pat's me through to yarnell and shields sorry sir the line seems to be dead we're too late in the lab tree you have to have a backup someplace now find it johnny you got it is that mary i'm ordering full alert repeat full alert i want you to go all out use the station wagon let's see uh sharon wilkerson debbie johnson okay go right in ladies yeah officer open the gate officer shut the gate gw bailey all right we stuck into the drive-in with four people in the trunk it's a station robert de niro is clinging to the bottom of the car all right gentlemen we have filled the tank with salt water and pressurized it to simulate a depth of 40 feet now if you will observe the gold cross is in the center of the tank dullsville we will be ready for ignition in approximately 60 seconds it'll be the longest 60 seconds of your life i cannot program this thing it's always 12 o'clock this time it will ignite an electrical impulse combustion will be caused by a combination of the impulse and the water pressure itself the heat factor will be minimized but expansion due to combustion here's a pen it needs a pattern atmosphere we'll be ready in just a moment is uh that poison gas part of the presentation ooh good thing he didn't leave that pen in his pocket even yeah el marcos are like that well apparently the colonel has his own little agenda today here fall by me brad there i finally have the dryer to myself thank you i'll just put it on light fluff for a while boy it's tough when barnaby jones out actions you do an elaborate plan to soften the military's clothes yeah like i mean i'm leaving early because i have things to do don't check now well they managed to pull that off without a moment suspense oh even though it's a caper there's still time for a scenic overlook oh that's smart they're carpooling for the heist robert goulet getaway driver driving miss lovejoy all right switch it to lola now will you oh now back to codename diamond head starring that one guy oh this looks like a good place to put up their roadside boys and gas stand don't you think you said you had a cabin this is just property it's not a keg you idiots it was tight too tight close doesn't count wrong and sakura you were clumsy last night diamond head is still alive look i saw him fall you missed me how else could they be so close behind we're only minutes ahead we are still clear up until we're off this island you let the air out and now they'll have every artery blocked out of here we're in a trap and it's closing in did you make contact run the viewer set for 1600 hours well that's it go to the shop and get everything ready hey hey hey no no no i'll take care of that sorry i'm just mad way to guard the government jerk but all the papers were in order oh i guess that makes you a good guard uh yes that's right captain butler's gone he left with two men in an official sedan how long were you out five maybe ten minutes but all their papers were in order that formula is lethal now get out an alert hpd civil authorities and the state police i want apb on three civilians two caucasians one asiatic and given the description of butler butler's the real butler is dead the man who stole that formula is a double asian now get on it fast now let's see if anyone wants to go to lunch around here i want the navy air force and the coast guard commanders right away yes sir and put the campfire girls on standby mr lord mr great floors here in jack lord's palatial estate in maui oh come on we paid to see the whole guy ah he's gonna put ice down her back i think this week i'll have something to eat my compliments thank you hey sunlight flatters you as much as candlelight inside but we still have to hear them go what do you want inside okay fellas i made some snacks for you enjoy hey thanks mike that's great want mine yeah like i'm gonna eat it i'd like to suggest that mike isn't a very good cook but i'm afraid that magic that's right you ingrates how'd you like to live with the frugal gourmet hello my friends and welcome today we are making indian saffron soup and if you've never had it it's absolutely wonderful let's get started i was just throwing in a few more ingredients what you need and what is essential to this dish is a fresh robot nest and look at this thing look isn't that wonderful see how it glistens this is wonderful you know don't write in for heaven's sake you know robots are not extinct they know that in india and they have big wonderful meals using fresh robots so let's get started now we need to add a little fresh ground pepper look at this wonderful peppermill that i got here there's a story behind it i went over the hill into soviet georgia and i got it from a little old woman with a club foot we talked and we laughed can i have your autograph catch your pie hole trying to do a show here for heaven's sake anyway i know a thing or two about a thing or two and i know that our time is done for today so that's it i bet you peace it's horrible it was terrible i couldn't okay how are the snacks me amigos oh mikey old fruit bath they're better than any coin old seattle wind bag could ever make yeah you didn't have to say that it's true though i got the part i got the part then you know i should really work on that case but uh can you know what it is johnny hey fill her up matey zulu told me to find you hey he told me to give you an address where ollie said it'd be worth 50. well dune where the diving shop on barrett in here street hey johnny what about my 50. i'm richard harris i wonder if they have anything scuba-y around there underwater-ish she's driving so technically she's an accessory to her own kidnapping oh nice terry top kind of put a break up now whoa big johnson of mercury all big mercury then remember just ask for minnows one less detail outside watch it sure i'll watch her no problem watching away gawking okay whoa can do hey you're that guy geez her pants are hurting me if those pants are any tighter they'd be behind her ah urinal cake's my favorite we're on the brink of two people actually interacting for the first time in this movie now i spear the cheese on the counter so they biting on the leeches today or what or not i want this cleaned and i'll pick it up tuesday huh oh i found him just before we left this morning who's playing peeping tom he's probably one of diamond heads man which means he can't be far behind i'm still here take the truck to makaha and burn it along with her hawaiian and catch a commercial flight to hilo and i'll contact you there good we haven't got an apple to put in his mouth well i'll stop by the farmer's market never mind we just ran out of time let's go but i like being a hostage here see it's a clue somewhere on the island whoa lovejoy's packed tight in denim casing skin on lovejoy that uh nitrous is for grandpa and i've got the vegetable powder well filmed on minnehaha avenue in minneapolis only the interiors were shot in hawaii gotta get an outboard motor but fast oh honey well that store certainly invites the customers in i wonder if she uh left a ring in here with some wax on a map or something he's there for his nursing shift excuse me need a dozen shiners let's see she usually leaves a ring wax and map thing out here on a dock someplace you know there was a time when roy finishes agent returned his calls begrudgingly but he didn't return i haggled with this guy tonight on a very special ravy shank rpi he's gonna kill a guy who's detailing his van i'm okay with that wise guy holding hands on top of the head fast moving he had all afternoon to plan this move and he screwed it up good guys in this movie aren't very good excuse me excuse me please come for some lumber and get your face kicked in scattered crates really add a lot beyond them you know you hardly ever see this sort of thing on tv movies yeah book yourself dano i'm out of here gotta get to the sag wagon oh yeah you are the worst assistant i've ever had how was your date with madonna i'm kidding that must hurt what happened are we i forgot to duck there were at least 20 of them and then you just missed a minute or two no more i'm really a singer that's why i'm tied up like this tie this guy up about hpd to the rest huh i like to use bob wire yeah have your fun i'll go capture the terrorists hey my friend has a ring just like that she wants to break up with me hey hey hey that's the director's coke i'll just call her and find out what the whole ring wax thing means hello steve royce dennis close off the whole island and mary code seven urgent hello dear connie trees headed for sir sings try moran it's the dragon lady it's moored at honolulu harbor a sailboat sounds fun he must have friends waiting from at sea maggie's got so sick he's got that formula and we've got to recover it mac i want a shot at him so sing knows the rules no friends in the house so do you i want to stop that boat at any cost you owe me don't you sass your aunt mary you've got 30 minutes then i pull the trigger we got 30 minutes oh jesus should take the boat boy you know i remember when this aired an entire nation was riveted everyone was talking about it you switch on name in the game now will you oh i forgot it's the wrong decade she was gonna name her boat the stereotype but she's decided on dragon lady it's a pity we never met before espionage is such a small community it's quite like a little family really in that we all drink and hurt each other what's in the bottle ah to summer whirlwind to me the only reality 500 000 in a swiss bank account i meant the red bottle oh that's tia maria it's hawaii or seattle they've asked eat oh forget it many people died for your swiss bank account a lot we don't have exact figures yet cost of running business that's a price no one can pay all has the right to right you'll be waving the flag next in george queen and country there's no such thing girl the world is run by politicians who demand respectability without virtue pleasure without payment you without me sir and blind men to bury their honorable dead i just balance the scales a little acting my way even in hell you will balance the scales right mr donovan no no you are but what am i i'm sorry that was uncalled for no sam elliott please allow me to introduce myself all today herbie what are you doing burns and shriver to the rescue another member of his crack team hey tv's frank named that boat he's got a figure like marsha brady hey hey you should never run on a dock hey where's my 50 don't worry about it you'll get it come first things try moran you should be on the outside mamala bay what should it eat for me you'll get another 50 bucks now start it up hero gets rattled very easily there's dead involved now the intrigue thickens i can't look away that's right a trimaran called the dragon lady she's probably outside the koala basin right now and when i overtake order him into the wind if he opens fire respond stop no matter what yes sir jim henson on deck stand by to get underway taking all the lines let's go priority one the coast guard for mantu chicken to join the navy hey cut like i'm gonna get beat up by a sailor she's been surreptitiously spreading jewelry behind the boat derrick germain's blue had more action than this movie what's this all about johnny where's your flare gun here when i always keep it what do you want it for what's the range the flannel burst at 100 yards how are we going to one so thing fly the cocktail flag nobody ever flies that going out only when there's a saloon in sight all right dude interest on the high seas ian mcshane in i think we have a company oh no mother who is it and i want to know the truth hong kong muldoon he runs a charter to your top smells terrific no they're still tied to the doctor let's see let's see what else and they get my politicians feel yet ted kennedy died this is like the end of the firm except it's uh coherent really hairy legs oh oh i'll stay aft we only get one pass man hey i've never let you down yet there's a lot of money here mitchell yes i'm that guy yep sale was polyester too rat patrol that's what you were on watch the shirt jack what excuse me come on uh my mom said i couldn't uh dog ate my homework uh he's basically saying make my day yes i was never one for lost causes this is such a satisfying conclusion it's certainly worth waiting for i'm mad pity we don't have an apple to put in his mouth oh i have that coming friend you okay let's do some nitrous either somebody busted the law or world war three's just started it's all right hong kong you just want yourself a cupe doll so the whole point of the caper was novelty items i'm so glad they got together let's switch it over to heck ramsay now anything epilogue okay let me guess the last words in this film are going to be oh baby 28 maybe that's french i didn't know you could cook i didn't know you could eat i'm a maze of hidden talents yeah very well hidden what about my reward huh i do have some rare maori carvings marijuana carpet i don't know i'm sorry i'm so fat for you i have your gum hello ah this is quinn martin uh we're not going to series yes just a minute when you and he didn't give his name i think it's your mother yes i can see you you'd like to know the gold cross formula has been destroyed click and the british have missed a tradition on donovan yeah maybe in about old 200 years well fine it's over then right oh this job yes but there is something else not tonight i'm worried about security for the korean ambassador i'd like you to look into it so tomorrow same time same place so it's almost poignant how they're trying to set up the series oh no more of that nonsense about the maori craftings oh yes i want to see those oh they're in my halter dress i know i'm going to be very impressed yes code name interruptus hey johnny hello there i can't get this guy off my back excuse me mom johnny you owe me a hundred bucks oh that's right wow the fifth year calls for a party love come on oh they filmed the cast party they rounded up every jimmy buffett fan on the island well not for our lives i wouldn't be able to make love in the same room as pearl eyes mrs burleigh's can't make love in stay tuned for your local news next on this super station like there was any talent hey this was filmed in hawaii where i said it no yes yes western airlines now out of business oh you know ever since i adopted the authentic hawaiian lifestyle i feel like a changed man you look like a changed man well that is an attractive skirt darn right uh don't you have some kind of a top to go with it though it for turrets this look is the real deal you say so hey mike yeah how would you like a nice hawaiian punch yeah that sounds refreshing i think it will have one thanks girl you want one yeah you really want a nice hawaiian punch yes i do say sure okay sure remember you asked for it one hawaiian punch coming up there you go great you like it yeah thanks a lot okay uh i probably should read a letter here though wait don't read that letter yet let me interpret the letter in the authentic hawaiian fashion using the expressive native dance the hula you see in the hula every movement every bodily nuance tell us a story here let me see that for a second okay here we go what do you think huh ah that was interesting thank you not at all insulting either no no not at all why don't i read the letter though for you not acquainted with the authentic hawaiian lifestyle uh put that up on still store kamba thanks a lot uh this says dear micro tom gypsy and the rest of the crew at the satellite of love hi thanks for reading my first letter on the air on saturday february 5th me and my friends started screaming kim metner taped it for me everyone in my biology class knew about it and i played the tape in my health class for everyone to hear my name on the air that's we're reading a letter around the air from a woman whose letter we read on the air well yeah kind of broken yeah every six weeks we'll read our new letter when she gets excited about this one and we'll read the next one well i think that's all from us by then i'm much cleaner than you are frank i've already removed all my vile flesh and now i'm removing that dark stain from my soul that's nothing clay i'm all the way down to original sin oh yeah well i'm what are you looking at haven't you ever seen two men practice a little personal hygiene hmm you got a problem with that well i'll put an end to this little naughty voyeurism right now no i'm totally clean clay clay clay clay oh daddy down there this has been a presentation from comedy central

Channel: analogkid01

Views: 54,020

Keywords: MST3k

Id: nXm64HbUB-U

Length: 91min 59sec (5519 seconds)

Published: Sat May 28 2011