MST3K - Assignment: Venezuela

hey Aloha I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning that is one big-ass Stairmaster South Master's screamin man it sounds I got steps if anybody needs them steps here music by Mel Bay now return to your regularly scheduled program yes Venezuela crown jewel of the Adriatic our man in Venezuela pee-wee Herman well they're all done with Venezuela they don't need me to do it she would they brought me to Maracaibo not Venezuela hi have you heard of the Book of Mormon por favor Senor fondle my baton de esta New Yawk would pay no no complain I will not give you foot massage pavo de pasar karate I was so sure I'd learned the right pronunciation but when I tried my phrasebook Spanish at Maracaibo Airport nobody could understand a word in fact I was needing the groin and then thrown in jail it brought home what I was told in the briefing sessions by Creole I'm starting work in a foreign country for an American oil company I'll have to learn its ways just as Creole has we each represent the United States here in the eyes of the Venezuelans he works for Creole Lady Marmalade my baggage was at customs as I should have known and my English got me through it's all I was meyer lansky then the language problem ended for the moment Creole had sent another American engineer up from the oil fields to meet me and show me around before I report at the engineering he was even stronger than I was ray and I drove into the hot night his hand round why I gave me a regular guided tour of Mark I know what I mean everything looked just this tropical as I'd expected and only ten degrees north of the Equator it was just as hot as I had expected I sweat right through my trousers the first thing that surprised me on that ride was them was being sucked through a portal in other residential areas I saw houses built in the old Spanish tradition why here's a run zo Spelling's house then came to new again huge modern apartment they'll be staying here they seem nice owners of stores it's like a very Brady Venezuela we almost felt I hadn't left home when we passed a big Sears Roebuck store because it's called crammed that did harm to another familiar psyche was a used-car lot full of American auto drop my pants and bent over a car just to feel at home what was your sorrow at the center of the city is Spanish and you begin to realize that Maracaibo is almost 400 years old what are they going to fix it up sir cars and a lot on a bike path sir the narrow downtown streets along which we drove were once invaded by Morgan's pirate Raiders frankly we wandered into a bad section of town I began to wonder well Ray was taking me the contrast really hit me when we drove up to our hotel just about the most modern one I've ever seen there's a Motor Lodge outside the light that comes close it's a great introduction to a job in Venezuela but it's only for one night one lovely night with great Hey pardon my luxury dear I'm at the pool at the hotel as I write this and I'm not lasting after the young twenty fetish moment my next letter will be from Lagunitas because I need for the oilfields tomorrow love to you and the boys what's-her-name's yeah to you and the boy Jim do you know a Jim very daddy mommy well yeah I'll get tell you that's okay you can just tell me oh my this is the kamasutra we're here in the United States the best country ever and daddy is down here in Venezuela screwing around let's go to illustration dee dee he wrote a letter from Malachi but where he cheats on us with the brown skin beauty's but by now he's down here with a lake maracaibo oil fields are can I go outside that's where daddy is working Jeff and when he finds a place for us to live we are going down there - so where's daddy doe B ran well here I am at Lagunitas in the oil fields right aside my trip from Maracaibo started with a ferry ride across the neck of the lake near the entrance from the Caribbean nice enough fella drove the boat well and how they live is none of my business let's see what else can I tell you about with Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here but it's actually 60 miles wide at one point and about 120 miles long I felt like a complete ass ass taking at its mirror I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views of all human bodies water I wanted nothing more than throw myself and my hotel dead and cry after leaving the ferry the drive to Lagunitas took about an hour most of it along a road built by Creole and the other oil companies back in the 30s over a wide body of water and it was a wide road made no assumptions about the narrowness or width of the road the offshore wells went along the edge of Lake Maracaibo for more than 40 miles sometimes reaching beyond the horizon it's quite a sight it'd be proud to be in a mirror but the most thrilling sight to me was my first view of our new home Lagunitas right on the lakeshore it's both a community and an industrial center well it's mostly an industrial center I smell they are losing from every pore of the lands a building is really nothing nope part of my work will be in the office here and part out on a lake helping with supervision and planning for this portion of the oil field why did I have to estimate how wide that River was and played it over again and again in my mind it's just like Levittown honey any better well if it isn't mr. big lake I started meeting people the moment we arrived people don't take me very well honey it's time you learned my first stop was at the administration building where I checked in at my office it's a narrow building my old office building my Creole office building hey it's late please everybody sure you can pledge into a narrow office mr. big lake my boss the district the Pulliam engineer is a young fella they give responsibilities early here yeah young that he's in his mid-50s on that the engineering staff is both Venezuelan and American or North American as they say here or white devil as the suit then I spent the evening getting settled in my quarters a long and lonely evening dear without you I'm lying I stayed up to line and head coach please forgive me please have another coke the next day I was taken out on the lake to see the field procedure that shattered before that day was over I felt as though I were back in the Navy I was dragged behind the boat over beds of coral I didn't see that father life coming at me never get out of the road absolutely I've been shanghaied by some badass drug cartel I realized I was it asked me to give up the pinky from my left hand as we headed out into the lake I saw that there was no open water ahead just rows of oil wells and as an engineer I know that what I saw is just part of it but under the water there are hundreds of miles of pipeline connecting the well you would know that honey because you're not an engineer the wells form a geometrically exact pattern carefully spaced to tap the oil in the most efficient manner the pattern nicely doubles as a tentacle to see well is our new house honey Creole and the Venezuelan government work together to make sure that the field is planned for the best long-term utilization of the country's oil resources for example a careful check is kept on the pressure of the gas which forces most of the oil to the surface without pumping oh Christ what a mess well I'm sure it's fine we don't even know what it needs come on kids my god go go go this whole thing's gonna blow we have a 200 yards gone in seven seconds but Sir the gas which comes up with the oil is not wasted or burned off seven miles offshore I saw one of our huge plants which injects the natural gas back into the formation that maintains the pressure to keep the oil flowing how thoughtful hey that's a dairy bar the drilling is done with power and equipment from big barges tied up to the well platform I thought of you honey when I saw the big barge I'll be working on the barges a lot of the time and I'll have to speak Spanish because 92% of Creoles employees are Venezuelans it stalled Mean Gene Okerlund work on my site that includes a large number of the engineers and more than half of the supervisors like the tool pushers who bought the drilling crews it was majestic honeymoon practically all the skilled workers of Venezuela and with their housing and other benefits they receive about as much as men doing identical jobs in the United States well figured a certain way about as much funny it's just so glorious you gotta get down here ye relations policies are about the same - and oil companies here operate under modern labor laws again for Venezuela I already feel at home in my job even though I sometimes go to and from work in a boat I hope my humor isn't too plunging for you sure it's a different country and I'm a foreigner here but the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome all I have to do now is lick that language problem and Escobar gear here and and the boy you should boy dear I love you on our home ready I've been looking over all the staff houses and my favorite is the kind built high off the ground so let the breeze under and incidentally provide a wonderful open-air playroom they're completely shuttered with aluminum to keep out the daytime heat I'm sorry ray I saw the interior of one house on Sunday when a Venezuelan employee invited me over he's being transferred to a better job at Creole headquarters in Caracas and I hope to get the house his wife showed me all through its Billy and Betty Barney no no I couldn't possibly take your wife get ready to hang our artwork I on the wall all Venezuelans listen to mariachi bands all that is we have two bedrooms some have more some have less it all works out everybody seems to get a bath this is the old workbenches dad says guess I shouldn't complain you but he's never home he's got another wife and it's called petroleum here's our ashtray I'll probably get one of these to raise our coffee table to have any hope of fitting in I was pretty happy about the possibility but it didn't work out as luck would have it the house has been assigned to another family who've been waiting some time meanwhile living in one of the Quonset huts but I got a beer out of it and so that's how we have to be moving into their Quonset hut on October 1st hi almost right over to see it yeah you this is a living room nice temporary housing of course but these people had fixed theirs up attractively we can do the same while we're waiting for one of the permanent houses shreds of the toilet gotta keep a book on the lid so honey it's like living in a b-52 I found half of a dog under the floorboards look up once approaching my mouth we'll need just about everything we have at home except the kitchen sink so you better start packing the waterworks about an hour a day I'd boil the hell out of the faculty be prepared for a heavy social life to everything from bridge parties at home to sports at the club icons my swimming trousers in few nights in jail my favourite spot is the pool even though it might be lonely there without no fun at all really thank you mr. Eddie's father our traditional common swimming you ask about medical care don't add there's a Creole dispensary for both employees and dependents it's called needle Park do your worst I've looked over the school - it's also maintained by the company the principal is a North American but education is in both English and Spanish they try to make all the children bilingual and Jeff will start learning Spanish in the first grade it is Jess isn't it my she comin up to heaven with me this New Year's present motivator love me like me is her gonna back you yeah thanks Howdy Doody ready competing with me let me know well no no no forget it never mind I'm like oh oh oh hey she knows Spanish next group those kids made me feel a little ashamed of my Spanish a lack of it you make me sick everything I've described is inside the oil camp the Creole is now trying to get away from the old idea of a company camp eventually they want their people to live in regular towns where that's possible they killed all pets to prove they were serious I saw some results of this new policy when I visited Creoles refinery at my um why just because we're going through a residential area where many of the homes were built by private contractors partially financed by the company the houses are sold or rented to anyone not just Creole employees the worker is even helped with his down payment if he needs it but after that he and his family are on their own just as in the United States I saw circus instead of company commissaries they have privately operated shopping centers some of them started with loans from Creole the idea of this community integration project is to make people independent instead of having to look to the company for every it's called Venezuela lusatia it's an interesting new development and speaking of new development and I'm being sent for a month study of Spanish in Caracas that's where I'll be writing from next did he mention me at all I travelled to Caracas by air of course landing at my Katia right on the shore of the Caribbean you then we started up through the mountains on one of the most remarkable highways in the world by autopista I'm joining the Shining Path wide narrow narrow couldn't help but notice the dark sedan following us we entered the land time for God dinosaurs roam freely Nicola cozy Club it took us just 20 minutes to climb to 3,000 feet the altitude of Caracas you suddenly we were in the city shots rang out it's laid along a narrow valley just behind the coastal mountains Darrell did I say narrow there I go again the cabdriver world on me his eyes narrowed oh not there oh oh the downtown area is dominated by the Central Simon Bolivar a building development something like Radio City except that super highways go through it and under and you can't get a good corned beef sandwich and the live sex shows aren't that good an appropriate analogy and I'm sorry I have the driver take me for a ride around the city I wasted company funds he showed me the new sections in the East where just ten years ago there were sugar cane and coffee plantation and he showed me a lot of fly only I'm really sick of Brazil I want to come up shut off that crappy music and fly me up I want a quasi huh I don't look Spanish anymore creels really hard to work far enough of the stupid bill makes 15 what he'll say is a tremendous amount of color on the building sometimes just a very better sometimes it's too much and I have to avert my eyes and sometimes for artistic effect giant mosaics six to ten storeys high are there some of the residential areas are almost futuristic but there's not because you realize it's not future but others are so quiet and tranquil that you seem to be in another world but nothing is as nice as our Kwanzaa I saw the virgin no no my mistake Klingon language camp is far is that first day I've spent most of my time studying Spanish I'm even writing this letter between classes but tomorrow is Sunday and I expect to see more of the city maybe I'll have another coach if I told you how modern much of Caracas is scratch now if the rest of the place is modern they'll have to coin a new word for University City believe me this is no ivy-covered campus just wipe that thought out of your stupid brain city is one of the impressive sights of Caracas another example of the prosperity oil has helped to bring to Venezuela oil is a loving God and his parking job is just key that car a sculpture anteater with onion ring is located in the plaza South American our dad the university isn't tucked away by itself it's part of the city and it provides the city with many things for medical care - a beautiful Stadium for soccer and track and another for baseball and one for parts the car akeno's are especially proud of their low-rent housing projects huge apartment buildings in clusters on the hillsides we have nothing like them at home oh wait yes we do but some things are just like home the new business sections new temple sections the shop-windows filled with goods purchased in the United States strewn half Hazzard Lee in the window sheet just by the gun lady just by the gun and the familiar look of all the American cars not to mention the traffic but I'm teasing Caracas so anyway darling me and some guys decided never go to that cockamamie class I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas like possible ivar the old Spanish square with the statute to the Liberator who led six South American nations to freedom landings or ohms and Kasana top the birthplace and home of Simon Bolivar the old colonial house is now a Museum of Venezuelan history wow this is called Jesuits with dudes hey Padres doing all right for himself I was told that many families in Caracas still live in gracious old homes like boulevards showing only blank walls on the outside and looking toward beautiful inner patios open to the sky I was lied to has he go to classes at all away my caracas life for most of the past month has centered on just one building the spanish school and the steam room inside it we Norte Americanos study Spanish eight hours a day five and a half days a week it's been hard work but it's been worthwhile although I've made no progress ten or more todo de trabajo de yo trabajo in Laguna is con la criolla petroleum corporation perfectamente da dat I'm really learning the language now just wait until you hear me when you reach Maracaibo next week my mouth will be filthy supposed to be here three days ago other jumper for the Lumiere portal Venice Ilana I know you gotta do my event la week as well aniline announces the arrival of flight 201 from Miami will never happen due to a gruesome crime maybe she'll have a Fernet second time so the jump or call that with a computer a casita democracia Havana los pasajeros Algren por la salida est la vie do wanna win immigration and custom class passengers will exit in a long time a cavity search was being held daddy was dead the baby was scared he smelled like whiskey was terrible that that's that's enough dear no no are you working at my wife put the bags in the car Bango in Caro is this all know we have two more bags tenemos mas ANCA papi wait Jim no tenemos dos malade is not when a grande you want a pequeña sure right here la pequeña s Mia oh no we think studying Spanish tells me you mean me well that's how it goes you work hard to impress your family and they end up telling the porter what luggage he has is that nuts or what it's going to help here though and I'm looking forward to a good life to them during this assignment in Venezuela you need me in the grind daddy and so I say elfine a amended and as we left the clam flow in that day we're going with no job of own gold Friday took mile to get a Kyle Peck order and Oh No

Channel: Bo Balderson

Views: 200,418

Keywords: Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Program), Venezuela (Country), Mike Nelson (Fictional Character), Michael J. Nelson (Comedian), Crow T. Robot (Fictional Character), Trace Beaulieu (TV Director), Tom Servo (Fictional Character), Kevin Murphy (TV Director), RiffTrax (Organization), Cinematic Titanic (TV Program), Maracaibo (City/Town/Village), Oil (Steam Locomotive Fuel Type), Petroleum (Industry), Best Brains (Business Operation), Assignment: Venezuela

Id: PJY2S_brQbQ

Length: 24min 16sec (1456 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 02 2013