Mock the Week: The Best of Scenes We'd Like to See (Series 16)

[Applause] two scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make the way over to the performance area I'll read it this week's topics then we'll see what our panelists can come up with okay here we go the first subject is things you didn't hear during the election the Scottish people have spoken did anyone understand what they were saying this month's gay times cover star Tim Farron I am the returning officer and it's great to be back [Laughter] wouldn't you press the red button mr. Corbin would you press the red button we have been stuck in this lift for 20 minutes taxes will be so low if you fight for me Jimmy Carr this is my pledge get your own furniture polish I am the returning officer [Applause] so it looks like the Toro majority is going to be exactly the same as it was what a [ __ ] waste of time that was okay decades unlike you lying to a cosmetics commercial are you an older woman struggling with her facial hair try to let the best undone can get would you like lashes with more volume you don't need lip liner or eyeliner without new bin liner what goes into our true naked infallible moisture crushing nature color palette body moisturizer a selection of random words have mean [ __ ] all what's my secret for smooth skin I'm 20 is your hair out of control do you wear wacky shirts well hey you're great just how you are you want fuller rounder lips I recommend a nut allergy [Laughter] the integer minh city of Cologne have a fragrance called birmingham this apricot scrub removes the surface layers to leave you with the smoothest most rejuvenated apricot you are ever seen [Laughter] and for one last time it's me the returning officer so has anyone seen the returning officer any messages our new powder gives you the confidence to hit the town cocaine things you wouldn't hear in a nature show well that was a sticky moment last time I tickle a sperm whale it's been said that male cows don't defecate but as you can see that's [ __ ] the best way to tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant is that one of them is an elephant hello I'm not an elephant the reason why geese fly in a V formation is to act as Chevron's for airplanes coming up a couple of rhinos banging and some monkeys finger blasting each other and what a magnificent scene the monkey is lifting the line come towards the Sun and I'm being removed from the theatre for talking dawn rises on the Serengeti dawn has no idea how she got there the Gibbon is widely considered to be the most frequent masturbator in the entire Animal Kingdom we'll see about that the camel can walk across the sand because of its toes or as scientists call them fanny outlines [Applause] and here we have a tiger happily eating Frosty's tonight's episode is dedicated to the memory of our cameraman Charles frosty [Applause] and here we see two majestic birds of prey or nuns as they're also called here we have a woodchuck also known as a groundhog pumped in the question how much ground for the groundhog Hogg if the groundhog could help ground [Applause] as the three lions circle the female we ask when will footballers learn that no means now the crab scuttles interview I should have used the special shampoo again unlikely chat up lines no served under Specsavers my name's Edie what's it short for dono it's just always been like that your father must have been a thief and I'm gonna catch him if it's the last video let's go [Laughter] I'd say my approach to sex is a lot like the government's approach to brexit I go in hard and then pull out when I realize I have no idea what I'm doing [Applause] oh so when you sit there seductively licking your lips that's sexy but when I do it I'm weird and should get off your lips you look like a million dollars less impressive than you would have done 10 years ago I like my men like I like women you don't look like you did sir either binoculars if I said you had a nice body would you hold it against me while I cry on your shoulder I'm so lonely god I'm so lonely on a first date I always like to go Dutch I don't mean I split the bill but I'll do some really kinky stuff in clubs socially unlikely things to hear on the radio this week an unlikely entry at number 10 it's the DUP well a daiquiri last night so imagine it's gonna be an absolute nightmare and that's the end of the shooting forecasters in traffic news we're hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the m4 let's go over to our eye in the sky mark mark welcome to drive time with me Richard Hammond and now and today on women's hour we are not going to discuss the menopause only kidding isn't here is it hot in here [Applause] here are the headlines a lorry is just reversed into the studio you're listening to radio 3 ooh someone's got ideas above their station and we interrupt gardeners question time not for any particular reason which thought you might be bored and now on lbc some soothing wail music now just kidding is people shouting at each other and now the shipping news your parcel has been dispatched bad things are here during a medical exam now you may feel a little prick so no change there a Jeremy hammer could you could you just urinate into this Cup please it's the one the annoying receptionist uses and if you just pop your clothes off sit down there with everyone else and the docs who should see you in about half an hour mr. Jones I'm gonna need you to have more fiber in your diet because my hands completely stuck would you mind if a student sits in he's a geography student never seen boobs before I'm happy to be able to tell you that that unsightly lump on your breasts is Callan best hello John thank you very much for coming on embarrassing bodies now if you can just well the test results are back I failed I'm not a qualified doctor well the bad news is you're gonna have to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of your life the really bad news is I'm only giving you three I'm afraid to say you've only got about four weeks left on really sorry Teresa okay I'm just going to test your reflexes release the leopard unlucky things are here and a history documentary it was a wooden horse the soldiers of Troy had been deceived they would never bet on the Grand National again so it turns out that Henry the eighth is actually some kind of medieval Hoover in 2068 the UK was allowed to rejoin the EU on condition that they change its name to very sorry laughs and as we are nervous skillets and what becomes clear and what we've learnt is that I should have found a deeper hole to bury my wife [Laughter] what was life like for a typical Roman soldier around 200 BC no [ __ ] idea [Applause] how are your parents shouted Cromwell across the battlefield and the king replied they're very well thank you isn't the weather nice for this time of year it was Civil War as they cease to exist over 200 years ago it was impossible to know what southern rail was until yesterday when one of their trains finally arrived unlikely film trailers from acclaimed director Ridley Scott alien 7 it's just [ __ ] ruined now Nigel Faraz buys a guesthouse in Spain how will the locals react find out in Casablanca [Applause] a woman with a past a cop with the secret a plumber with the shoe a dog with a cold a hairdresser with a Rubik's Cube coming this summer random things with stuff Theresa Mays up to our old tricks again in the matrix for Iron Man and the Hulk visit IKEA in Avengers Assemble this is the story of the last man in Nazi Europe with a full scab folder Saving Private Ryan a documentary about the losing of the Tory majority gone in 60 seconds a woman caused an election and then disappears from her own campaign in wonder where the [ __ ] she went woman this summer the ultimate battle for supremacy in Kramer versus alien vs. predator versus Batman vs Superman versus Kramer [Applause] the boy who cries wolf 3 honestly this one is a real film things you wouldn't hear on a fitness DVD yoga it's just stretching for [ __ ] welcome to Fitness with Theresa May I'm amber rod these used to be my trousers until I discovered the secret buying smaller trousers next I'm going to show you my pecs there are thousands of them I've got a Soulja Boy chicken okay let's work on those more unsightly areas bums tums and Croydon okay now we're gonna watch a carrion film so you can work on your core remember girls when it comes to weight lifting what we're really looking for is a nice clean snatch I'll just stretch reach for your toes reach them imagine your toes I made a chocolate chip fat things you wouldn't read in a romantic novel he pressed his lips to hers and slid his tongue in that's not how you're supposed to do it shouted the other paramedic he was everything a woman wanted in a man he was 47-grain chubby slightly cam he kissed her breasts tenderly she said get your own KFC bucket everything was in place the bubble bath had been poured the chocolate was there the scented candles had been lit this was going to be the best wank ever we put the chocolates down beside her silence and then at last she spoke unexpected item in the baggie [Applause] six-foot-two and with shoulders so broad they look like they could carry the weight of the world and a full lustrous mustache Rebecca really was an unusual looking lady she had never had a menage tois before let alone with two famous brothers they drove her wild all night with their cries of to me to you so if you looked absolutely beautiful in her flowing wedding dress admittedly it was an odd choice to wear on a first date when they left the bar she saw him in a new light daylight and he was disgusting I want to see you [ __ ] in this bin [Applause] don't fulfil the criteria datings a sports commentator would never say the Russian champ beginning your floor routine now running running running big jump and a tumble a little trouble and then rolling around a little bit of swirling inside to be honest with you I normally do the darts well three horses in it this is the worst sausage I've ever had and the Ferrari crosses the line in the worst case of cheating the London Marathon has ever seen shock news as FIFA Awards the 2022 World Cup to the Islamic state say we like about these cyclists but boy do they know their drugs the referee they're taking down ronaldo's number not really the time of the place but good to see would kick homophobia out of foot and as a traditional the leader of the Tour de France now awarded with the yellow jersey to remind him what color his piss is supposed to be I'll put it away now and get on with the coma unlikely lines from a thriller boss I've got some news about the criminal who's been impersonating sting he's turned himself into the police strapped to a railway line thank god it's southern I've got six hours to escape sir male 30 to 35 Caucasian no obvious sign of trauma oh no wait the head should be attached to the body shouldn't listen this elevator company is corrupt and I think it goes all the way to the top you can't kill me but if you do he will never find the sarin gas canister I have placed in the president's fridge [ __ ] you try to expose corruption in my elevator company you're going down rejected exam questions which of the following is not a hydrocarbon kerosene ethylene come on Eileen welcome to your French exam it's exactly the same as your English exam but with tongues if Teresa has 330 seats in the parliament and then she loses 13 how old does she still have a job biology practical question one cobol's [Applause] psychology question 1 how are you gonna feel if you can't even answer this one Cornwall has no capital false or true theology is there a God you'd better hope so look at this next question theoretical physics discuss the theoretical possibility of time travel you have one hour starting three hours ago [Applause] that Suffolk is commercials that never made it to air Pepsi do immigration loves the jobs you hate why do I use pan ten because my other nine pans are broken [Applause] introducing the new BMW hemorrhoids series because eventually every [ __ ] gets one dove deodorant because no one likes a smelly dove nish Kumar sounds exotic it turns out he's just a bloke [Applause] Nike now sponsored the panda mating program at London Zoo just do it have you thought about retirement I have since the age of six are you a woman who wants longer lashes how about showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia now with new lip plumping technology camel toe pants I'm ashamed of myself for unlike the lines from a sci-fi film oh my god has come back through the portal who Henry the eighth lord Vader the results are in for the naming of the new Death Star the public wish to call it death emic taking you in here on a political discussion show contenders are ready I'll take a question from the back yes the man in the blue tie with the Haunted look of a nonce on the run on tonight's program will be discussing the NHS fracking and affordable housing only joke in its [ __ ] brick say again most people don't realize the Bell is called Big Ben and not the clock but the clock is called tickety Ted the time telling [ __ ] [Laughter] on Newsnight tonight drugs binge drinking and prostitution we have the best after-show party on television hello and welcome to question time is it real or is it just a fabricated construct join us as we question time [Applause] and here with us Theresa May but what would the average victorian-era Butler have thought of this news well joining us now is Jacob Riis MOG UK is not a single issue party but are only worried about immigration we're worried about foreigners and people from abroad Robert Peston on Sunday the first lyric rejected by Craig David we could stop arguing surely we could all agree whoever smelt it dealt it unlikely things Pro continuity announcer to say the following program contains swearing right from the [ __ ] start up next the walking dead sorry songs of praise coming up next on Channel four oh my god those buildings are in the shape of 4 this is amazing and now our Friday night horror film Bruce Willis stars as a ghost who doesn't realize he's dead in the sink oh I've ruined have now up next on naked attraction a man who's gonna spend the next three years telling his friends he was a lot colder than it looked in the studio and now our Saturday night thriller Kevin Spacey stars as the shady gangster Keyser Soze in I've done it again from the makers of love island called the sack orgy coming up next on itv will dar a cop off with ed in love Ireland next up the 40 year old virgin oh sorry Robot Wars following program contains material that some viewers may find distressing unless you're my ex-wife Karen of course nothing's going to melt that cold bitch's heart bake-off because anyone can work porn channel now ladies you know what time it is temper for yourself a glass of wine light some candles cuz next up it's Darrow brands go 8-bit [Applause] is that it is unlikely ad correct is things that news reporter would never say well they said it would never happen but after a hunt over 12 years spanning 62 countries the police have finally found Wally has been blowing all over the city for two days now but enough about your mum is the way we're yet to hear president Trump's view on the matter well I have spoken to a lot of people here at the SNP conference and they have all said the same thing piss off back to London you English bastard and I'm at Buckingham Palace where excitement is growing amid rumors that Prince Charles has absolutely lost the plot and is about to appear at the balcony Baalak naked saying the lion sleeps tonight right BBC news is biased this next story is about how I'm hot to trot all the ladies will it do me it's now been four days since Piers Morgan went missing the police have appealed for anyone with information on his whereabouts to please please please keep it to themselves I'm reporting now from the dup conference this year which is surprisingly sponsored by Grindr and we've got some more intel on the killers their good life but their albums Apache as [ __ ] here on a TV police show it's not my fault you told me to reconstruct the crime so I killed someone so according to this the suspect was five foot five rent a glass out pissed was I last night so I can't find any fingerprints I don't think the killer had any hands oh no gloves yet fair point their taco falls broke into the house but oh you'll alter my voice afterwards when forensic survives let them know that as per usual a lot of the semen is courtesy of yours truly [Applause] so is this the body here yeah oh god sorry Tino I didn't recognize you without your makeup wait so you're trying to tell me that the mounted policeman at the home end of Liverpool stadium fired a bullet that just about grazed Liverpool's manager he trying to tell me if a cop cop on clip-clop clip-clop well the boys in blue wanted to be called the Blue Man Group but that name was already taken by some very talented individuals high-crime no I love crime we've searched the suspects room and we found traces of semen alcohol and cocaine our conclusion absolute legend things you never hear on daytime TV good morning I'm Susanna Reid and I'm not blinking this is a cry for help in Morse code welcome to smell the cheese he already presents everything and now he's fronting the new ITV breakfast show yes it's good morning Brian coming up now on BBC two you can use the red button to choose your daytime show it's either a travel documentary about alcoholic narcoleptic rabbis on holiday or a current affairs and arts program it's you snooze you lose booze cruise for Jews amusing reviews you choose well it's a difficult topic but later on we'll be talking about premature or reject Oh No welcome to good morning Britain I'm Piers Morgan and I'm sorry next up Holly and Phillip will be demonstrating the ancient art of [ __ ] to the Wilkey kabuki this week on a place in the country you don't get one unless you've got a special skill that is what breaks it means unlike them to hear over tannoy we're all virgins please report to the virgin check-in desk welcome everyone to Weight Watchers it really doesn't matter how many pastries past tries you've had would someone with a camera please come to the tannoy room or I've set on the microphone and I'm literally talking out of my if you look out the left window of the train you'll see the sea and if you look out the right window you'll see the sea of God where the scene bing-bong could the person who's stolen the bing-bong machine attention shoppers we have a young man who says he's lost I mean he's 45 he just needs some career advice with the man in the red speedos doing the front crawl uh playing for please stop this is a bowling alley I don't wish to upset or worry anybody but do we have a doctor on board or failing that a pilot we have illuminated the seatbelt sign which means seatbelt man will be here very soon [Laughter] southern rail would like to apologize for the front me there's one coming the next up again and likely line some a blockbuster movie now Mr Bond I don't expect you to talk I expect you to die of the many STDs you've contracted Jesus man but Charlie Arden frozen the tragic tale of pensioners confused by gas tariffs James Bond Tony bond James's brother don't have a license to kill but I've got one to drive a forklift but apparently that doesn't count for anything does it dr. strange you say how strange on a scale of Zeus to shipment imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco planet of the vapes I am Loki mischief god of nafse why is no one else dressed up dress Loki [Applause] [ __ ] actress [ __ ]

Channel: Mark Lupont

Views: 2,475,304

Keywords: Mock the Week, Scenes We'd Like to See, 2017

Id: sFBd4Yr4bxM

Length: 39min 46sec (2386 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 07 2018