Mock The Week S18E03 June 6, 2019

if Theresa May puts an ice cube in her mouth how long until it melts how long does every hour of Melania Trump's life feel how many days did I have diarrhea for after I ate some petrol station sushi in 2005 how long is my granddad asleep for before I realized I could now afford a house that's by cold but also you're making a very strong generational point yeah how long Jeremy Corbyn pauses for before he gives his answer about what Labor's position is on brexit is it for how long did I live rent-free in a stranger's house by pretending I was on the TV show hunted if it in Alabama how many days after an egg is fertilized does it have more rights than its mum in the event of an Odile brexit how long will it be before we have to eat Dominik rafts before I would be bullied off love island love is really the right word for what goes on [Applause] what is the naught to 60 of a 1975 Austin maxi is it how long did Donald Trump's visit to the UK lost absolutely I think the question I was looking for was how long did US President Donald Trump stay in the UK during his state visit this is the news that Donald Trump and his family visited Britain this week his trip includes a state banquet at Buckingham Palace and a commemorative event for the 75th anniversary of d-day how do you think it all went I was amazed he brought his whole family because he seemed to bring one child that no one had ever heard who is Tiffany she sang I think we're alone now [Laughter] [Applause] he doesn't want to shag I think but he didn't mean no the entire family I mean cuz he left Baron at home now presumably in a home alone type situation and all of the family's just barren they get in the White House while Joe Pesci's trying timing a jumper just trying to swing it together we missed an opportunity because we know he likes to welcome people to America so we should possibly have given him a full body search kept him waiting for six hours and then separated him from his children that would have been he did fly into Stansted flew into sunset and then had to Portsmouth shift his stag do I think it's interesting he was asked the matters that he said he saw no protests he said one tiny process but the rest of it everybody very happy to see him we are waving American flags waving them so hard some of them went on fire yeah proof that the Army's in trouble I think there's a Royal gun salute and they all missed him what did you before it even arrived oh oh it's like Joe Sadiq Khan I mean yeah it's like his phone was one of these kind of proximity things don't worry when the phone found 3G again and then an alert comes on go insult study Khan and he banged ever quicker than that honey you think of that you know that massive buying that a quick peek find out a quick tweet I think he said one though he said one yeah one tweets I think they thought you meant we all assume that he's not masturbating on Air Force One [Applause] much the car did Trump bring over with him the based the beasts it wasn't because he's never gonna get that into the you led so you leave it on the yeast and Road and get a boris by which stands like grenades and bombs we're really all we've got his milk change no just needs load the windscreen wiper every surface needs to be a windscreen wiper you think he's got a sense of it from the inside as well I love all the the gift exchanges they're quite because he gave the Queen gave him a book like that is a burn in it Wow thumbed thing in Trump's libraries the nanny how did Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn react to Trump's visit Corbin has really picked aside over Trump if only you could do that with bricks it [Music] he boycotted the banquet didn't they Corbin yeah not like him to not turn up to something is it he boycotted it he go yeah it's not it's not your scene but he's so clearly this all guy we'd like to go out for a posh dinner we've got a perfectly good butternut squash at home the way you gets treated weather pretty fresh if he'd gone they'd have just had a photograph of him going so-called socialist gorgeous himself at white tie ball so he can't win really can't be fair I think you can't win no no let's drop did when he arrived was meet the Queen here they are amazing parties formalwear - - that was nice oh it's faster did you that was my idea why does she need a handbag she's in her own garden [Laughter] [Applause] she's carrying two amazing cases I really just hanging on to them just going this is the shade of orange I wanted to do the bathrooms if I was her I would have worn an outfit made out of American flags because he thinks you should respect the American flags it would've confused him it's like you're a woman but I feel compelled to respect completely blow his mind and whereas Stars and Stripes burka if you just focus on the front bit of the jacket it looks like he's got the most obscene boner in history [Applause] you gotta see it the Queen we don't know what it's like in other news who was expelled from the Labour Party recently Alastair Campbell yes Alastair Campbell why he was expelled because he voted Lib Dem in the EU elections he's been expelled from the Labour Party like being expelled from school that mr. Campbell gonna turn up outside the gates of labour on a BMX 10:00 a.m. in Lib Dem but there's when people have done way worse things who were part of their Labour Party and haven't got expelled - and John Prescott son got despite allegations of sexual harassment including an instance about a woman rejected him and he allegedly shat on the floor in protest which is actually a mess forfeit jeremy corbyn's views on praxis but this guy he's shat on the floor see I think legally we have to give this story 10 minutes he has denied the allegation and it's very difficult to DNA do you think therefore we kind of an allegation was made but we cannot definitely say and here tinnitus why is the top of the pillar that he's leaning on made of sponge case is also being attacked by three tiny soldiers wearing considering how lowdown those microphones era they just assumed me he's talking I desire [Applause] now we play around cold look at the state visit of that daily balls Rhys James and Angela Barron's if you could make your way to the performance area please this rounds the standard challenge I launched the wheel of news and whoever chooses to stuff one of up forwards and step forward and talk about that subject okay here we go let's spin the wheel and the first of years relationships oh uh yeah I I have a boyfriend and thanks I'm single for a really long time I thought I was gonna be one of those women who just dies alone at home with a cat eating her face that's what I thought because I won't have a cat [ __ ] my kitchen I'll do it myself he's very good-looking I felt like papa good like out of my league and looking now I know that I'm biased saying that I'll tell you how I know for a fact he's out of my league good-looking as cuz every time I've introduced him to a friend for the first time the minute he leaves the room they'll turn to me and go how the hell did you do that what his friends saying to him you all right this is a very different eyes they fit and athletic and sporty and I'm not sporty I don't even watch sport I once got tricked into going to Wimbledon because my friend told me it was a men's singles event that's not what I was expecting worried me they he's so much hotter than me but you know we've been together five years now if he is doing it from a bet he's really committed to winning it was me I was 37 when I met my fella now I think it's good to meet someone a bit older in life you know when you know what you want like it's proved controversial when I said this before but I don't trust childhood sweethearts now I'm sure if you are one you'll be fine I've just speak they're the same people who go on game shows and don't gamble for the big prize lovely day you'll do billion people on this planet what are the chances your ideal one sat behind you in maths by Gonzaga okay that leaves us with reset see what your topic is I spin the wheel and the topic is philosophy I feel like people who say everything happens for a reason have never [ __ ] themselves on public transport [Laughter] love these phrase another way people use these phrases now to be deep the other day we run to a friend's house she had this poster this like framed print of this phrase it said life is about the journey not the destination and I was like obviously the nation is death that just says life is about death it's a bit heavy for your downstairs bathroom it's far this one that I heard someone say don't have regrets you mustn't have regrets because whatever you did was at one point exactly what you wanted I was like so I'm an idiot at one point I paid for the crazy frog ringtone I don't know [ __ ] little chair for my old Nokia mobile phone my job at one point I sucked on the breast of my own mother doesn't mean I don't regret New Year's Eve 2012 people change the way that karma has been hijacked by so many young people does my head in all these young people as I'm going yeah I believe in karma I live my life by karma because I believe if you did good things good things will happen to you so that's why I do good things so the good things will happen to me and I think well then you're a piece of [ __ ] still a good deed who lives their life like that can't see looking back analyzing seeing if they're good deep paid off and they got something good in return you know who's getting a promotion at work thinking all about because get that battle pair of trainers to Oxfam last week and job thinking all about because how about old lady cross the street that's just very grateful old lady [Applause] I'm axon is called a picture of the week I should have found a topical image and asked them tell me what has happened so what is going on here I can't believe I've been photographed wearing this helmet says cycle hat there's known causes a cycle hat I put on my cycle that you can keep my brain dome from breaker I also love the fact that he's clearly trying to style out the fact that he is not at his house and is very lost it messed up so many relationships he's lived in that bag is just full of front door key how different budget day will look if Boris ever becomes Chancellor of the Exchequer say he's got the Tory leadership election in the bag is this the bag they're talking about I think he's heard that cycling reduces your sperm count and he's just desperate not to have any more illegitimate chances yeah the one with the house I think that's Boris Johnson this is former foreign secretary Boris Johnson who is the front-runner in the race to become Tory leader at the time of recording Johnson was one of eleven candidates vying to replace Theresa May as leader of the Conservative Party when she leaves in July so have you been following the news your breaks like Game of Thrones with fewer dragons are more tit I have personally upset 2 out of 11 of those people yes Dominic Raab it mistook me for a different brown person in the green room of question time which is a concern for me if it becomes prime minister apart from the fact that it's not because it is no which one I am he's gonna reporting Romesh I was asked to introduce him at a benefit and I introduced him by saying please welcome with no applause a representative of government is fundamentally ruined this country any of you at the British Asian small businessman of the year is that for men who run small businesses for small even the average high opening average Asian man there's only two female candidates as a feminists I'd like to say good because some jobs just aren't feminist are they and I think Tory leader might just be one of them it's like I've also please there's not many female serial killers like about Rose West but she did make it in a man's world isn't it mad before just a man who once hosted of comedy panel show and soon he is going to be the leader of this country darah you have wasted your power when you just used it to make robots fight a long game [Music] well that Dominic Rock Dominic rock was the brexit secretary he's already tried to negotiate it and now he says he's gonna go back and do it again it what in the disguise Wow Rory what caused a stir this week because it looks like a haunted Eddie Redmayne they say you get more right-wing as you get older I never thought it happened two bears from happy Monday the lead here reached James from the future to warn past briefs James it's a Greece hadn't been inflated to his proper pressure your your 22 psi Greece James ironically enough he looks like me if I had done opium is what he genuinely a refreshingly new scandal to get off the screen shall we Richard gun bombs we had to apologize for having an opium which is just so fantastically 19th century and where disease the opium what a night out with Sherlock Holmes and a way winning in Iran he was our wedding and an opium pipe was passed around but he also tried to justify it by going oh well the folio I did it but it was so poor that was probably hardly any opium in it by poverty shaming the people who came into you Jeremy Hunt came out was when I said that he wanted to do a bit one at misshapen Jeremy Hunt said that he had had a cannabis lassi yes he was also on holiday it's just so Tory isn't it there's like oh I didn't smoke weed I had a cannabis lassi oh I didn't do heroin I did opium even when doing drugs they sound like they've gotten from M&S cannabis lassi sounds a little bit unfair on the dogs I see what's that what's that is it in the well far [Applause] other than you to serve with an unexpected defeat this week AJ you bigger are you bucking fan you yeah I am a boxing fan particularly as of this week because the guy who beat Anthony Joshua is frankly a role model to men whose body type can best be described as very into Marvel films until I saw this photograph I didn't think you'd be able to carry off a chest tattoo face obviously I know things not just about athleticism but you don't expect Joshua to lose to the little boy from arc by by beating a match and Ruiz won all three of Joshua's belts which is what he needs [Applause] now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make the way over to the performance area please I'll read up this week's topics and then we'll see what our panelists can come up with okay here we go the first subject is unlikely lines from ather we've got the girl you can have her if you give us the money okay but this is the rudest dating agency I have ever used the missiles are heading for us Prime Minister we need a decision now thank you he's putting it to the party conference in October welcome to my haunted mansion if these walls could talk I'd almost certainly have masturbated less shark from Jaws has spawned its baby shark doo-doo-doo-doo had done and that magazine there's a really good article in us on how to use this gun [Applause] so I got a message from the kidnappers they said that if I hand over an ester they'll give us back the children yes it's an ester ransom agent Jones I need you to follow him as closely as you can I'll be right behind you yes I know how the Congo works yeah you're still there yep I wish I'd never been to that perfume counter I don't care who you are I will find you and I will kill you or someone of a similar racial profile I have a shot have a shot I can take the shot do I have permission to fire I have the shot No for the last time our job is to protect president Trump a new name and a new identity no I'm afraid that's not possible Mrs May I'll make him an offer he can't refuse oh he's refused it well then I'll make the offer again and again everyone's gonna make me quit Teresa may in The Godfather I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand in your badge a Blue Peter presenter could not be called wanking in the garden no this bag stays with me at all times it contains items that are very special to me my testicles my line here would you like me to take it down so you can hang the washing-up just when I thought the case couldn't get any worse it didn't the christening is in an hour you're talking to me are you talking to me I'm sorry Aramis you just got a lazy eye it's quite hard to tell who unlike things to hear at an award show well I'll holla clears a winner of the best German sausage is the first and here's a tribute to all the people who haven't died yet but I really hope they do and the award for clearest example the TV commissioners have run out of ideas goes through Comedy Central reportero rains blockbusters [Applause] those kids deserve to be in the tennis much as anyone's welcome to the Tonys if you're not caught Tony [ __ ] off and the winner a freestyle rapper of the year is nish Kumar ah my name is knit and I'm here I should have written it down welcome to the National Karki Awards but first let's take a look at some of the keys we have lost this year most drawn-out pause at an award ceremony goes to and now we come on to the balloon door the most coveted award here at this year's national balloon award and now for satnav of the year and I can honestly say without this SAP map I would not be where I am today and now we move to the in memoriam section of the evening or as it's now to be known the ones who didn't turn out to be P DOS [Applause] and the Duke of Edinburgh Award for driving this year goes to an apartment the uber driver of the year will be here in four minutes and there we have it the winner of Saudi thief of the year please give him a hand [Applause] Hey oh wow tell you this statuettes going right up my husband want to get home [Applause] and the winner of the origami award goes to well I don't mind telling you I have got a lump in my throat this is the medical misdiagnosis award [Applause] show this week's winners are Li Shan commiserations in this school are huge thank you're watching and our green goodnight Atlas James and John Robbins filled your Friday afternoons with big laughs download the BBC sounds actor listen live from one here I'll be the seats ooh John Richardson and Jessica Hines get topical with Romesh and the regulation in 45 minutes that's after news night coming next [Applause] you [Applause]

Channel: SUZANNE FOUASNON

Views: 588,599

Keywords: Mock The Week, Mock The Week S18E03, Mock the Week Series 18 Episode 3

Id: VWnHISEdEkk

Length: 29min 48sec (1788 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 07 2019