Mock the Week Series 14 Episode 5 - Ed Byrne, Matt Forde, Milton Jones, Zoe Lyons, Josh Widdicombe

the [Music] world hello and welcome to mock the week I'm darl ban and joining me this week are Josh whittam Zoe Lions and Matt Ford Ed burn Hugh Dennis and Milton [Applause] [Music] Jones we start with a round call if this is the answer what is the question on the board are six categories Matt which category would you like world news please okay world news it is the answer is petrol money and drugs what is the question is it the three middle names of Princess Charlotte is it what three things might a Greek keeping a chicken is it what do gangsters play instead of rock paper scissors is it what three things are keeping Keith Richards alive is it what in The Sound of Music are the Von traps family's real favorite things one of one of the three characters called on a packet of Colombian Rice Krispies is it what three things are we being paid in this evening all together in one big Boger yeah what will the motto be for the Qatar World Cup there is it complete the song Hugh Pew Barney [Laughter] McGrew SC that probably stand much better song wouldn't it it would have been very good what are the three main aisles in a Bolivian waitress do they know the you you know that tattoo you got that you think says peace love and harmony is it to do with Greece it is to do with Greece what three things are they war in Greece are about to run out of uh very good thank you very much Ed bur that's [Applause] excellent yes the question I was looking for is what items are at risk of running out in Greece after Sunday's crucial vote on the eu's bailout terms this is news as 61% of the Greek population voted against accepting the strict austerity measures proposed by the EU there's now a real risk that the country will run out of money and medicine so what does it all mean for Greece it's ridiculous now the whole thing is just going on it is like a soap opera I don't I don't watch the Eurozone crisis now day to day I wait till Sunday and I watch the omnius addition this thing of just referring to the Greek exit as greit it just as like are you that in that much of a hurry that you couldn't say a third syllable the British if the British exit happens it's going to be called brickit it sounds like a cheap form of Lego or what the Greek Prime Minister does every time he meets Angela Merkel I don't get this thing that you can I didn't know that you could reject bank's demands if I had known that my whole life would have been different if i' been able to go to the bank and go well I do owe you 10 grand but I really like my lifestyle it could be but it could be a Miss selling Scandal didn't it because I don't as far as I'm aware Greece was never made to sign that box and said your home is at risk if you do not you think they're waiting for the PPI 00 PPI that's the one thing that bail them out of this apparently the Greek government have admitted that living in their past is their Achilles Hill no one was expecting that reaction oxy they went oxy to that I think it's definitely case that if they want to bail get bail themselves out like whatever they really just have to invoke copyright law on all the stuff they invented some time ago now right but that they definitely invented like democracy triangles and gays and if philosophy as well the birthplace of philosophy isn't it yes why you think that there is a professional philosopher at home going that's not what philosophy is it's not just going or is it I think there I think there's a lot of opportunities in Greece actually I'm going to start a band called cash machine because people will be queing around the block um but we've been told if we go on holiday to Greece that we to take lots and lots of money with us yes to rub it in I think it's to pay your kidnappers I think there's a ploy behind the Tak telling tourists to bring as much cash with them as they possibly can cuz I know there'll be a load of overweight old British tourists there with massive bum bags of cash around the front they're basically just sit human ATM machines that's all they are do muggers line up do muggers line up behind the tourist uh one of them goes no 60 each they delous for Ming these people that's it someone started a crowd funding for Greece and it's got less than The Crystal Maze oh God because no because people would prefer to go to the Aztec Zone than Athens that's a fact what currency is I said to you I can take to the ACH zone or Athens you'd be in there like a whip it be sh a sandbag with a bamboo choose a mind puzzle I am already wondering which little square I'm going to go into yeah yeah I love like a whip it I I'm sorry I've know for a long time Dara has never done anything like a wh particularly har you've um you've never seen him [ __ ] in a park think you'll I am not and he does it like a great name he locks eyes with you when he's doing this for you this is for you burn I'm glad we've dealt with Greece has anybody noticed dar's eye by the way is it off-putting do you think the people at home will be concerned what has happened I do there just a little star in the got infected so is that really it no it's a it's a Brian cock's been beating you again look into the telescope he said look hard into the telescope he bruised my eye raming it in look that hurt you that's my good eye Brian my good eye he's just trying to turn you into Patrick [Laughter] Moore they're so worried they kept me an eye patch that like this would be because this would be much more subtle if I I presented the entire show like that cuz I've got a tiny infection in the eye to be fair I have I you know I have a secret desire to have an eye patch you know I don't want to ever lose an eye like that's not how much I want to have an eye patch but I think they're cool something massively impressive cuz a guy with an ey patch [ __ ] has happened cuz also you can do this sexy the final part of be undressing in a sexy way we we take off the eye pad take my eye out in other news what do doctors want us to stop using their waiting rooms to sleep in people taking helium and they enjoy it and they speak very [Laughter] [Applause] highly bizarrely that's correct H which is it's a finite resource and it's needed for MRI scanners and what yes very very true yeah it's being used up on on fripperies like balloons squeaky voices yeah although I'm doing this one without it so they're worried that instead of helium then in balloons they will instead start using nitrous oxide in balloons but nitrous oxide is laughing gas so then that's the worry that the kids will be able to get high on their balloons if we end up having to do party balloons with nitrous oxide but if you're worried about kids getting high on nitrous oxide balloons you can surely get high on the helium just by just by holding on to it I was I was doing a gig at best ofal I think it was and I and you could hear when people are taking nitrous like you can hear it because there's an audible because they do it into a balloon and you the mouth to give himself a giggle and people were doing it at my gig actually kind of a CR hecko isn't it he's like okay I I'm going to need something to get is it not feel Ed that you deliver one of your trademark jokes and the crowd go I only found out those little canisters that they suck it from are called whippits whip it the little canisters of nitri yeah they're called whippets somebody said to me the kids are sucking whippits in the park and I was like oh my god do I need to call the rspca by the way had the scientist don't think the universe will end oh spoiler alert a thing called the Big Rip yes the university is sort of uh is accelerating so fast and getting faster and faster and faster that eventually it will just rip itself apart yeah that'll be the end it's they say this how do scientists now think what other nonsense have scientists just made up what might happen 20 billion years from now when no one's around to say oh you got that one wrong it's just nonsense that his mate Brian NS on about to keep himself siphoning BBC funs me and Brian on the astronomy gravy train with all those millionaire yeah making a ra look at look at the Big M now [ __ ] will happen though I mean they're saying this might happen 22 billion years but you can guarantee it'll be the day that the Greeks do pay back the last sent finally finally it's called the Big Rip going to continue to accelerate faster and faster until an extension of of the big freeze and it's it's either that or the Big Crunch yeah it's it's all the same thing h no big freeze would happen first then the big rib would possibly happen after that when is big big yellow storage from that that is uh just off the M4 in hansler uh and then there's the there's the big ins where the whole universe just goes into panto for the rest of its [Laughter] life wow that was too long a journey for that was a bit there was a lot there was a leap there I agree you that tell me that joke again and I got some oh no fine now now they're going to have to broadcast my bad joke for that's the worst thing that can happen to Canadian you pick on Brian Cox you pick on me right that's the way this works my friend the at the end of that round the PO go to mat zo and Josh now we play a round called Greece frightening this game involves Zoe and Milton so if you could make you R to the performance area please this round's a standup challenge I launch the wheel of news and whoever chooses to stop one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject the winner is whoever I think is the funniest okay let's spin the wheel for our first topic and the topic is exercise we all know we need to do more exercise I mean we've now got the fattest kids in Europe I'm not going to make fun out of obese children I've learned not to do that they will come down on you like a ton of bricks I didn't like exercising as a kid when I was a kid I was made to go swimming in in a pool that had a Vera pool before you got into it the Vera pool do you remember the veruka pool they actually called it the veroa pool you can't encourage children to walk in something that's called a veroa pool it's like offering some the use of your chlamidia Flamel isn't it I mean I try and exercise a bit more now I've started doing yoga cuz apparently it increases your flexibility and spirituality and I've got to be honest it's pretty good I'm now so good at the downward facing dog I have on occasion caught glimpses of my own third eye I I actually did I did a half marathon though uh a few a few months ago which was was pretty good you know I don't be overly impressed which you're clearly not but um I only finished yesterday so there's clearly a lot of work to be done and I did it for I did I did the run for charity and I know a lot of people are doing things for charity you can't just exercise now can you you've got to do it for a good cause and I get a lot of those emails I know we all do you know will you sponsor me will you sponsor me I'm like what are you doing I'm flip-flopping up Kil and Jara for diarrhea po going across the Arctic for trapped wind are you don't do that I mean the last London Marathon it cost me an absolute Fortune because I sponsored loads of friends right I gave one friend 20 quid because he was doing it for cancer research another friend 20 quid cuz he was doing it for heart disease another one 20 quid cuz he was doing it for diabetes in the end it was actually cheaper for me to join berer okay that leaves us with Milton let's see what you've been left with let's spin the wheel and the subject is work I didn't think I'd get a loan from the bank for my knitting business but when I turned up actually wearing one of the ball clavas I used to be a weather man in fact does anyone want to buy a broken barometer no pressure If there been a mixup my uncle could have ended up as the next president of the United States he's an Undertaker in the army or barck mmer soldiers of course very emotionally repressed some sometimes you see one of them go into the middle of a parade ground and Shout attention what he needs is a hug well that's what I thought my dad he was a soldier so of course as a family we're always moving around a lot cuz he used to use us for target practice 6 hours I had to wait in the other day for the electrician until he opened the cupboard under the stairs and I was able to LEAP out at him I remember when I was a policeman I was asked to seal off an area and I went that's thank you the Jones Come on [Music] by okay the next one is called picture of the week I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening what's going on here they unveiled the banker on Deal or No Deal that's George Osborne delivering the budget surrounded by all his friends was it Mr Bean sets off on a picnic is the captain quite simply Osborne's trousers too short or is he Delight that the front door doubles as a pause button is it George Osborne with his budget box and he's delivering the budget this week yes he is thank you very [Applause] much I think he because it is like the boxing Deal or No Deal I think it would be a lot more exciting if he did the budget like that so goes to the opposition leader I'm going to cut two B two billion in disability benefit or you can have the cut that is in this box Deal or No Deal he could have a phone ringing next to him that' be bloody Brussels I imagine wouldn't it D the right things are going they make all the decisions around herey yeah yeah yeah Jos let take this show are going to Lurch to the right every budget in my lifetime is unraveled in the weeks afterward so they get the one big hit everyone says oh actually this this sounds all right and then it unravels if you're going to lie in the first place go triple large on it turn up in the comments and say you know what we've nailed it we are all millionaires that's right no one's skinn anymore and we've solve poverty and then at least have one day where people go Osborne is a genius just have the one day where you feel like a legend think that's where Greece went wrong [Applause] though in Sporting News who has been causing upset at this year's Wimbledon was that naughty little Australian man there was a North Australian man yes there was Harris no he's that would be genuinely disturbing you can hear him coming now he's already been caught in the net there've been a load of Aussie fanatical fans in the stand who' been making loads of noise and according to that picture Boris Johnson has just joined as well big question about them he how did they get so many tickets it's impossible is it they're all working in the bar and that's their break but they support Nick kir or something they're called the Fanatics aren't they and they come and they specifically support him but he absolutely splits opinion so in the Australian newspaper there was a headline that went Nick curios breath of fresh air or a total [ __ ] what has outraged villagers in The Forest of Dean a swinging Festival there was a swinging Festival you was called swing Fields swingfields 2015 took place yeah but they had to call it that it was either that or creamfields look at your little face which is what they'll end up with isn't it I mean it the only Festival you need Wellies even if it isn't raining there was a there was a quote from me from a local concered local uh saying that they' found somebody trying to sneak into the festival through their backyard they said this is UN acceptional we we're very concerned about who will come onto our land me that's a genuine did you see one of the locals complained that the music was too loud surely don't tell them to turn the music down that's far worse it was a65 uh for the festival uh for the entire weekend and they promised a themed Zone uh a sauna a hot tub I'd use that on Friday afternoon and then let it go I was just imag imagining a field with a massive bowl of keys in the middle that's how I it's the only Festival where the car parks are busier than the fields it's revolting I don't even use the toilets at festivals I thought of using half the other festival goers is just I'd only I'd insist it was someone with a day ticket I think if I was going how did they not call it aonb do you know what I my vote was for ttitude [Applause] the uh in fact the most popular que is for the P pork stand they [Applause] uh thank you thank you very much I've taken I've taken some various elements and brought them together in that joke H put it on again put it on put go on go on oh you look you look funny you look funny do the thing thing where you look funny again you know when you made you look like the guy for back of a [ __ ] bus and for for three years everyone sends you photographs of a cartoon man on the back of the bat every day on Twitter Hey Dar I saw you in man yesterday huh click oh bollock St to the bus again do that with an eye patch and then for years every eye patch person in the universe I will get sent him on Twitter happy there I'll take it out my nose is that all right is that all right oh I hurt my nose wow it looks like I'm wearing a g string if the marketing people are clever that bloke on the back of the Mega Bus is going to have an ey patch by next week [Applause] on now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make the way over to the performance area I'll read that this week's topics and then we'll see what our panels can come up with okay here we go the first subject is unlikely things for a sports commentator to say embarrassing humiliating bringing shame on the sport welcome to Wimbledon today with me CLA bding and it all comes to this after years of training and preparation I'm commentating on the the puy water poo moof Fara has apologized for his association with substances that the British public regard as abhorent and has said he will never advertise qun [Applause] again welcome back to the golf where Tiger Woods apparently travels with two inflatable sex STS now in case he gets a hole in one and he's found a chocolate biscuit down the back of the sofa but he's not going to celebrate because it's his old club and he's resting two balls on the cushion there which is while he won't be allowed back in I and he pops the Cork and he's spraying everyone with champagne welcome to the first conservative budget since 1996 here we are at The Crucible all burning to death well that was the speed skating and now crack cocaine curling the American and the Russian are out in front and here comes the Finn yes they're going to swim a lot faster now the shark is chasing them and so they've brought up a curtain around the horse that fell earlier but no we've got good news he's moved to a farm in the countryside well there we are at the rugby league it's tough man it's better than Rugby Union and at the same time ever a slightly more gay and this decision's going to a touch judge and yes it's sexual harassment well this is his third attempt with a bar at this height NOP still can't get served and here come the two red bulls which is what you'll need to keep yourself awake during Formula 1 I'm joined here by balding or Alan Shero as he likes to be known reenan now on Supersoft the Viagra simply not working and if you want to find out what this function key on the keyboard does join us after the break on F1 and after the break join me CLA balding presenting everything I present everything now everything is mine everything okay the next topic is unlikely things to hear on a gardening program there's something about eating food that's come from your own garden this is quite a hearty stew of made out of a squirrel I shot with an air rifle well to answer your question I tend to keep mine on a h reel but then I'm very lucky down there these pine trees smell suspiciously of air freshener my advice would be Don't splash out on expensive gnomes do what I do and just simply varnish some small children I found playing in the park I call this my blue Peter Garden because it's the first place that I blew Peter remember the trick is to get your Pitchfork right through it before you take it and throw it back over the fence well we've had a letter from Mrs Smith of Epsom who's asked us to identify something that she has found in her garden well Mrs Smith there's a dog turd um I've got a letter here from Morin in Doncaster who's asking a question about herbs um in response to your letter Morin I would recommend about £200 for an ounce and if it's really good [ __ ] 300 well that is the wheelbarrow and tomorrow I'll show you another sexual position so it's uh quite simple to take up an old patio all you do is just leave it not talk about it ever again I woke up in a field of Obin the other day I thought none of these baby seals have faces right welcome to the ukip Garden sod The Lawns let's concentrate on them borders so you could use a lawn mower or a strimmer although I would recommend waxing take the shovel force it right down like that save your fortune in bets fees having it put down [Applause] professionally [Applause] help I'm being attacked by pineapples help [Applause] help I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order you say to me how do you find the time I said there next to the [Applause] sage at the end of that round the point is going to end here in mil time and that's the end of the show this week's winners are Josh wiam Zoe lions and mat Forge commiserations to Ed burn Hugh Daris and M Jones thank you for watching I'm darl Breen good [Applause] [Music] night headline King Russell Howard takes you back to 2012 on BBC 3 now with his good [Applause] [Music] news all about it all about it the world

Channel: Mock The Week Full Episodes

Views: 752,009

Keywords: Ed Byrne, Matt Forde, Milton Jones, Zoe Lyons, Josh Widdicombe, Mock The Week (TV Program), Mock the Week Series 14, Television Program (Media Genre)

Id: 23WR5_ghmTI

Length: 29min 44sec (1784 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 09 2015