Mock the Week S17 E11. Milton Jones, Geoff Norcott, Tom Allen, Ed Gamble, Zoe Lyons

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I'm jarem joined this week our Tamil and Zoey lions Annette gamble Milton Jones Hugh dance and Jeff knockoff we start tonight with a round called picture of the week I show the panel of topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening so what's going on here oh is this Theresa May modeling her bracelet that she's made from panini football stickers is she saying yes I'll screw this up too is this some Theresa May priming the detonator embarrasses surprise birthday present Philip Hammonds hair because it's it's like a side parting but it's a centre parting as well cleavage then as she's saying to the right wing of her party come on technology is the answer if I used an app the other day that helps track down immigrants called uber [Laughter] Oh my immigrant will be here in people is she thinking this is the most fan I have ever had in my life is she's saying yes we could be brother and sister couldn't wait is she so pessimistic about brexit that she started an apprenticeship course you know you know when you've got a really big deadline coming up you attend to other jobs that don't really need doing [Applause] is she thinking think of a caption for this book the week does anyone have the answer do you want the answer though I would love the action yes of course mystery to me because it is the Conservative Party conference absolutely I think there with you engineering company and Birmingham this week Birmingham hosted this year's Conservative Party conference we saw may defender brags a plan as well as announce a range of new policies highly the conference went she's doing well cuz she is up [ __ ] creek without a paddle really and I'm worse than if the paddle doesn't arrive by next March it's gonna get stuck in customs it's already weird policies haven't they don't have to take the view away from brexit it's not obvious it they've announced the waiters and waitresses now be able to keep their tips which is great unfortunately there won't be any waiters or waitresses after March develop all gone home it does feel like that's the most sort of middle-class policy you can put in just so the middle classes don't feel awkward when they sat in Carluccio's do you get the tip Oh fine that's fine nothing else to worry about then it is an awkward moment though I've been when you're going do you get this and they go no when you go how can I get it to you the resistance you want to get me the tip go to the bathroom and go to the fourth cubicle I think there should be a new policy no tips for anyway - that doesn't write the order down no tips for them or one of those ways he gets too friendly and sits down next to you at the table they can [ __ ] off so most films do it already I mean this is just to get lots of restaurants in line yes and one of the restaurants that does give tips is pret soap and one of the tips they give is don't work in our Salisbury branch that would be even better if you'd said zzs which is the rest was ever more middle-class thing to muddle up there I mean I thought I was fans like oh I've muddled up my high-street pizzerias they trolley distract us from Breck sir right he's desperate to distract her so she's announced that there is to be a festival a festival celebrating achievement which they are going to call the festival be like a Festival of Britain isn't it but what's that gonna have you know like the Spice Girls maybe the Magna Carta in a jar of Marmite the main stage as storms he's reading out the Times crossword if you're already if you're tutting the idea of a British Festival then you're sort of already getting into the swing of it yeah is there is there a thing that it's distracting us and is there a risk that by 2022 you know if we're all living in tents and having to queue up for the showers as a result of brexit but they'll be able to go oh no it's a festival no no you know you're worried about breaks it's gonna be fine everyone's worried this it's like baeckeoffe going to channel 4 do you not mean we all fall right all thought would be a disaster it's just sort of alright isn't it it's got better I would say it's got better [Applause] [Music] [Applause] do you know what's a card do you know what's occurred they say no and then you say someone from Kurdistan you racist what solution by the way for britain brave britain and ireland closer together was suggested by horace great idea it's a really good idea really tangible good ideas he wants to build a big bridge in between britain and ireland which just sounds like someone's asked him for a plan and he's panics and come up with something on the slide big big bridge from here to ireland and also a escalator up but never severe i'm not surprised at the bridge idea because he loves this sort of thing to me I mean it's mixed it'll be you know Boris's channel cannon crossing yourself in a cannon it's interesting how they think like a DIY project will bring the country together I was tried to make a billy bookcase with my dad and within a half an hour I was calling him a slag and crying basically there should be a disclaimer after everything Boris says please be aware mr. Johnson may be overtired or had too many Smarties promises can be kept as well as broken what LCD how did how did he how did he troll Luthor may he ran through some some wheat fields or something yes yeah it looks like a terrible like catalogue doesn't it thing is that he is teasing treasom a by recreating her an obvious every moment so she should respond by taking a photograph of her shagging a junior researcher yeah this looks like it would not only scarecrows it would make them vote Labour we feel that is weak I don't think anything is just dry grass yeah no well but you know that car sort of ruins a joke a little bit Oh captain agriculture here sorry we've the wrong arable product in our joke I think almost certainly the week will have been harvested by now your point of view disappointed in a reason to mock of the week how did the conservator suffered an embarrassing before the conference in Eden starters they had an app that failed well it didn't fail no security system on it no passwords nobody up with no no password you cannot go buy some light bulbs in a hurry without setting of a password is deemed too weak repeatedly all all people had to do was just guess the email before they could log in so you could get you want to log into Boris Johnson's profile just be like what's his email blosser jaws are 69 at hotmail but how do you hack Jacob Riis MOG Jolene does even have email you rewrite his scroll seoeon is little whack you have to intercept the carrier pigeon it's like an app like Grindr but like Grindr tells you where your nearest gay man is do you think this is an app so you can find out where your nearest Tory is to save the more having to go to like Mumford & Sons concert Grindr tells you where there is a gay man nearby who wishes to meet up not where yeah where the nearest game registers look at your iTunes I'm working on my version for game women so he's gonna make one for gay women yeah yeah muffler what sort of noise when it makes moving on why math people Kent have been hearing this noise in the last week it's the beluga whale wasn't it is the blue Venice nose called Benny boy of course is no he didn't arrive in with the name time it's not a sperm whale but it's probably swallowed so many condoms now it basically we like a disappointed father yeah how do we know this isn't just like two Russians in a weird pantomime outfit okay Ron called Boris Johnson's bridge of lies this game involves Tom Allen and Milton Jones if you could make your way to the performance area please this rounds the sound challenge I launched a wheel of news and where we choose to stop whether I promise must step forward and talk about that subject okay here we go let's spin the wheel the first abilities childhood well hello childhood yes now I think the most stressful thing about being a child is if it's someone's birthday I do think the social world for nine-year-olds is really quite exhausting and say what someone's birthday in your class it was that Ryan's birthday Ryan would have been bought a pad of pre-printed invitations on which he would have had to write his details so he basically get an invitation which basically read Ryan is having a birthday party and then what would happen is you'd forget all about Ryan's birthday party until the day of Ryan's birthday party and then your mom would walk in and go oh [ __ ] it's rides birthday party away Borum nothing you can't go empty-handed people think we're poor what is Ryan like and this was a time in history when I'd say something like oh I don't know maybe a Tamagotchi Tamagotchi ad so it's just like a keyrings a bit of fun like gonna give it food and water keep it alive make sure it doesn't die and I remember mom saying we've been doing that for you for nine years you'd be driven round to Ryan's house complaining all the way your mum saying you'll enjoy it when you get there knowing full well you wouldn't that you get there you'll be allowed to walk up the path on your own in the background you'd hear the sound of yeah deserting you for the afternoon with these strangers right you bring the job out Brian's mum and would answer the door and I was having a very stressful time because Anne was organizing the birthday party and the party bags and party bags make them were very stressful I'm sure party bags now are all just iPads and taramosalata then it was a tiny plastic bag you had to fill it up with felt-tip pens a box of Smarties or two before freshers and then a tiny game where you had to get a ball bearing come into my house then you have to go and play games right it was always like musical chairs although what musical they were doing it from I don't know is never Sondheim was it do and then you had to have a birthday tea which Anne would have organized resentfully and a birthday tea back then would consisted of crisps and chocolate together which is disgusting Heath wafers Oh big waivers oh there's a delicious on them they taste of a pink Senate bang nobody no party rings our party rings never as much fun as they sound it's basically just a dried up biscuit covered in enamel just you just you try to get your teeth through that suddenly the lights would go out and I'd always think oh my god are we being raided but no then what happened suddenly Anne would reimburse quite satanically under led by flames we like to sing a happy birthday it's probably the dreariest song in the world twist be the happiest debut yeah then Ryan we have to blur is cabbage basically just spit all over maybe for a dry cake never get to try Kazan would whisk it away into the kitchen chop it up into chunks shove it a paper Transformers napkin what are these chunks there party bags and those out to everybody then turn to every go okay leaves us with Milton let's see what your topic is that's been available and the topic is jobs where you go the first job I ever had was washing dishes in an international radar station but the dish is a lot bigger than I thought they were going that was quite a stir fry we had I remember the last words of my grandfather he said you're selfish boy not long after that I became a fishmonger hopefully I've got a book coming out soon shouldn't have eaten it really so much for Taylor Swift she sent back my trousers unmended eventually horse whisperers what they do is hook up to horses and they go and the horses go okay fair enough they wear Chinese horse whisperers they go up to horses in the that horse tells another horse that horse tells another horse by the end the last horse is going and that kind of cold if this is the answer what is the question on the board of six categories Jeff which category do you like could I go for sport please okay you can't be a sport and the answer is seventeen and a half what is the question is it how many alcoholic units my granddad thought it was safe to consume before driving what's a sad number of giraffes to see on an open-top bus know what's the biggest number any cast member of love island has ever thought of how old was I when I realized I was too old to be telling people my age in fractions is it due to a platform alteration what platform is Hogwarts Express now leave is it how long in minutes and avocado is ripe for is it how old was I when I first actually it doesn't matter how many people turned up to Peter Andre's last tour is it how many seconds remain has waited before demand in a second referendum I didn't expect that to work how many weeks before a gerbil has a midlife crisis is it eating how many king sized Mars bars in a row constitutes a cry for help and you will know what the correct answer is yeah how might a tosser say 5:30 yeah your actual answer is I think how many points did Europe get in the Ryder Cup absolutely right thank you was what was the winning point tally for the European team and this is a Ryder Cup golf tournament Europe thrashed the United States 17 1/2 10 and a half to regain the Ryder Cup at leg off national near Paris were you all gripped by the Gulf oh so great Darin I didn't actually say a lot tell me did anyone manage to get it through the big windmill but I don't watch it any other time any other time of the year but this one has a couple things going first the because it's intercontinental which is ludicrous and we don't we don't compete enough times intercontinental II it's funny isn't it that it's all of America and because it's so big we all need to gang up on it mmm as Europe it's like mine I said Mike Tyson versus eight kids I know because when it started the Ryder Cup was just Great Britain versus America and then we never ever won so we joined up with the rest of Europe and now we win all the time mmm can you think of any parallels look at that picture of diversity I mean that's not eight shades of blonde there that's how diverse golf is you see the Europe player Ian Poulter they could they nicknamed him the postman because he always delivers a point that's not what postman do delivers it next door claims you weren't in signs isn't it I think it's too hard again to start playing like most games I'll go and have a go at but yeah they should have like bumpers like in bowling like I'm a giant bong G yeah yeah like I sort of swing what was that swing swing tennis like being in the meeting in the 50s where they try to come up with a net holy string Randy Randy Balika back oh really is ping in the garden which slowly rust disappointing anger it's for lonely trials kissing in this photograph weird hall at the end he's kissing his wife one I are still on the camera which is ah I think he's it one eye and the wife of the other player now I know why it's called the Ryder Cup yeah [Music] [Applause] moving on who believes they may have 1,000 siblings oh that look [Laughter] loke the sperm donor wasn't it yeah it's he's gotta get this man apparently he gave away so much that he's now got a thousand offspring which i think is environmentally very unfriendly especially when you think how many of those little plastic cups he must have used I respect him that is a man who has monetized his hobby yeah thinks he's anonymous but he's got one massive arm he's not gonna be walking it's in Holland this he's walking in the husband like a fiddler crab would you like me to take out your suit do you think that many kids you'd have to be like a fearsome warrior like Genghis Khan now you got to do is go to a clinic and wank into a yogurt pots no now I think I think you can't do it anonymously what you just have to do it in reception okay wasn't there a boost we needed it for storage [Music] [Applause] can you imagine Christmas afternoon when you've got a thousand siblings sat there trying to watch I don't know doctor whose Christmas special shut up number 27 I can't hear that Gallifrey Lucy very life veeraiah land you know yeah that matter the sheer volume has nobody seen over years okay it was me because presumably it said yes I am a trainee doctor an architect who competes internationally for Holland in basketball I'm merely supplementing Rankin by walking into a cup 14 times works then well it has to be taken from there and used properly I think baby doesn't just come out the cup something we've ever been some sort of container may not be formally a cup but if it is it better have world's number one [Applause] now we found two scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make the way over to the performance area I'll read at this week's topics I don't see what our panelists concur Ryan here we go the first subject is unlikely things to hear on daytime TV and with just a lick of paint and by removing that horrible rug it's almost like you've got a new wife today on this morning there's no Holly so lads you might as well turn across the sky Sports News breakfast news now I had toast today we'll be shoving the foreign secretary welcome to barging hunt the lighting systems up the irrigation system is in place it's time for hash in the Attic next Boris Johnson's on the rain and we can't get him offer and today there will be no Jeremy Kyle unfortunately because we've run out of dreadful people next it's good morning Northwest or as it should be called [Applause] joyless after the break Rome will be making some Street food and in fact chef Anton is scraping something off the road right now Middle East property prices now in homes under the hammers next on bargain hunt we've got a rule relic from the 70s very rare this it's a referendum result people actually respected and now Michael Portillo with Great British Rail replacement bus journeys this is tipping point yes that's right the moment Susanna Reid finally punches Piers Morgan in the face welcome to bargain celebrity hunt where I'm looking for bargain celebrities I just found Jedward by the bins Oh Thank You piers that was a very reasonable and well thought out opinion things you never hear in a school assembly and to those of you who wrote mr. Ferguson's mobile telephone number on the wall of the girls toilet he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a five and not a three and now continuing our policy of religious diversity we are going to sacrifice her goats to the Great God in whole chip all stirred man he come to school not good now children I know it's very very nerve-wracking awaiting your results but I've got some good news my results are back it's all fair chlamydia miss Lyons is back in the saddle just a heads up for today's science exam you will be required to create a vacuum yeah no pressure as maybe you'll know the school has produced a lot of good actors you know parents who pretended to go to church in order to get their children into the school I will now read the register and hopefully there are no more teachers on it today is of course the big school outing and so I'd like to invite all the gay and lesbian children come to the front and now I notice about school uniform my wife will be wearing one this evening as that's my birthday and the caretaker has asked me to say take care we have very strict rules on piercings only one kind is allowed Jerome show them your [ __ ] ring students I would advise you to sometimes just think about people less fortunate than you cuz I always find it cheers me up drinking smoking fighting these are all three reasons for me to be very tired today I'd like to apologize for those students who saw that Miss Jones has horribly misunderstood what Mufti day means in an attempt to move with the times mrs. Smith is going to lead us in the rendition of onward Christian soldiers to the tune of storm Z's big for your boots as you know I'm retiring after 40 years of teaching at this school and this week you boys have made me realize that I've absolutely [ __ ] wasted my life period six weeks in god nothing josje passage across congratulations a Tartar and joyride thanks for watching i'm darian goodnight [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Ovid

Views: 1,058,453

Keywords: Mock the Week, Milton Jones, Dara O Briain, Hugh Dennis, Tom Allen, Ed Gamble, Zoe Lyons, Geoff Norcott

Id: C_CGb_kgZqQ

Length: 31min 0sec (1860 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 05 2018