Mock the Week Series 14 Episode 9 - James Acaster, Gary Delaney, Zoe Lyons, Josh Widdicombe

hello welcome to maka week I'm Dara Breen joining me this week or Andy Parsons OE lines and James a caster Gary Delaney Hugh Dennis and Josh Whittaker we start with a round called picture of the week in this road I should have panel of tropical image and asked them to tell me what's happening so what's happening here there we go they've given the end of comedy that's it nothing we can add to this particular story once you've shown that picture that did it's all over folks time to go home I'll finish this 250 years of satire news community establishment of all done goodnight people we're outta here shut up picture and go to bed I like to question again as we look at the picture what's happening here all plain foreplay is David Cameron saying I met your mum once is that a poster for the new film babe three city boy in the pig is the Ashley Madison website being hacked again I'm taking two recent stories slamming them together not godly punch that is the cameras game whatever you do don't open your mouth don't go are at any stage right cuz we are not the ones who made this story happen as somebody said pulled pork and David cameras don't know we're just good friends not the answer is it is it Prime Minister updates his tinder profile picture there's a photo of David Cameron singing a rousing rendition had to become one by the Spice Girls come on going no I won't blow your house down provided you just do a little something for me I mean he has caught the pig in front of the house made of bricks to be fair as the bird he's looking very happy in that picture though is it prime minister gets a massive load on is there angry farmer somewhere shouting no David I said pluck a fig are you think plucking a big [ __ ] that a big [ __ ] son hi hi I was coming there but I got I think that photos just David Cameron going about this photo shoots never gonna come back and bite me on the arses no arming me visiting a petting zoo no I'd be any bug to do that surely that would be a heavy petting zoo anyway I think this is that there is no particular story in this picture I think he's probably just at a farm yeah yes yes you Dennis that's absolutely right - this is just a picture of Prime Minister David Cameron pictured last year visiting a farm however he is now at the center of allegations doing drug taking and debauchery with a pig during his years at Oxford University the caves are made by former Conservative Party treasurer Lord Ashcroft in the new biography serialised in the Daily Mail this week the PM spokeswoman said she did not see the need to dignify the book by offering any comment and other sources close to Cameron later dismissed the pig allegations of nonsense and not true so that's that settled with we need never mention it again they said they don't recognise the allegations they didn't say they don't recognise the pig that pig is not his type cuz it's alive the point about it was a dead pig yeah yeah but I mean either points if you've got a dead pig some people don't know they put an apple in its mouth what's wrong if you had a couple of plums as well of course it was the head of a dead pig in this sure of course of course it was that's of course anything I will do not bizarre yeah and is it etiquette minefield at these posh dues isn't it because you're never nothing when do you use the little knife is that my side plate is that the correct glass for white wine is now an appropriate time to place my [ __ ] in a pig's head I just tend to dip it in everything once just on the off-chance he's actually when this story broke wasn't he was meeting the Danish p.m. it's the mark famous for I mean we called in the Danish p.m. but presumably there's every challenge Cameron just caused him an escort agency [ __ ] people come things in college and I think in some ways you've got half that amount simply because we've all you know possibly done things and Carter shouldn't be investigated maybe not the University here maybe one in another country but let's not look entertaining next time investigate stuff that may have happened back in the mists of time you know so so people died it was a terrible night haha we've all moved on haven't we have we yet good there is apparently photographic evidence of the event which made me wonder terrible was the pig wearing a GoPro that photo was before digital cameras who took that film too snappy snaps imagine of the others well there's one photo on there um the one with the pig can I get it on a mouse mat as well do you let Swapna trying to visit jigsaw with one two sniffing no nothing the house move how did this incredible life-affirming story emerge well it's revenge is this broad ashcroft he was treasurer of the Tory Party worked for the Tory body for ten years and he was promised a job in the cabinet and then when David Cameron got into power he offered him a junior wicks job in the Foreign Office and he went bananas any weapon absolutely and he's done all this he acts like it's not but it is it's a classic example of revenge being a dish that the best self code like prosciutto yeah when they leak that when the Daily Mail had the story I didn't know that there's a Daily Mail calm which is the American version so I'd never been on the website before so I typed into the Internet and their headlines they've got no interest this America was Jon Hamm wins an Emmy it's not the peak his career has gone from strength yeah that the pig got an Emmy for faking it other news and there was other news this week remarkably trolling the paper there was other stuff happening the world what small group gathered in Bournemouth last week was he abused pig supports Ursula was no it was the Liberal Democrat the Lib Dems had their it thing thing at their conference yahoo for man tents paint in peace they don't need a big hold all they need is a Citroen Picasso they won't they did at cafe Nero and they shared a loyalty card and still couldn't get a free coffee there are other people at the conference there are it's not just the MP no it's not no there are six or seven other people though yeah the best thing is when the event you hire - well would you put two tables together I do my favorite detail of the conference was the paddy ashdown did a DJ set ah yeah well I love the idea there's opposed to somewhere with the words Paddy Ashdown open brackets DJ set close friends part is so small that Vince Cable was doing the perfume for a pound in the toilet doesn't go talked of splitting as well under some people leaving to make a new a new left-wing party idea split something was already that small we'd need the Large Hadron Collider to that what did Jeremy Corbyn get in trouble for not doing last week not being very good he didn't sing the national anthem I do nothing's well he's in Republic and he doesn't believe in the monarchy but he claimed he was very much deep in thought but then he's probably like most of the population who doesn't actually know all of the words to the national anthem it's a very odd thing in the second verse a which no one knows it's all which with the opening line of which is thy choicest gifts in store on her be pleased to Paul it's a really old image is somebody just mg a massive sack of presents on her don't chase this gift in store sounds like a very old Argos advert thank choice choices gives her in store now didn't he claimed that he was remembering the war he said no net he later said that he was so moved because of his memories of his parents who were involved or nothing which is his first piece of spin Kawai none of us none of us like the nation' it's not a banging tune over here no Ashdown didn't spin it at the because like just go to a break beat dropped it hey who's the [ __ ] cable King on the target brings about the up in extreme if they want something Jeremy Corbyn will sing gleefully why don't they do David Cameron had a farm now we play around called don't go bacon my heart this game involves Gary and James hope you could make your way to the performance area please this rounds the stand up challenge I launched the wheel of news and whoever chooses the stuff one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject okay here we go let's spin the wheel so the first subject is leadership leadership looks fun but it's stressful just look at anyone leading the conga on the outside of this Britain having a great time all the time just yes you bloody are and their heads is going I don't know where I'm going I didn't plan a route I never asked for any of this not gonna miss my family everyone's trapped in the conga you think you can leave you can't leave pass at the back maybe they could let go make a run for it everyone else you let go you're not out the conga now you're the leader of a rifle condom they got turf wars to worry about last case scenario you're second from the back you let go the one person behind you loves Congress isn't giving up for anyone to mingle at the party with a maniac on your hips receives discussion about the Lib Dem conference are still going hell-for-leather it had to go swimming just to get rid of them now go to Lila conga Navin the lead of three cheers either don't know who these lunatics are I don't know where you require that level of confidence skipping a moon for the people free choice for Jackie okay what if everyone goes no no features Jackie she's an unpleasant person I got no cheers for Jackie hip-hip shut up okay that leaves us with Gary let's see what you've been left let's spin the wheel okay the topic is helped where you go I'm a lot sporty-er than I might look in fact I picked up a little niggle at the gym the other day I mean he pronounces it Nigel I had a very stressful journey getting here today all the way this lorry driver was right up my ass but it was nice of him to give me a lift I spent most the afternoon hanging out at the swimming baths and then somebody told me I tucked it back in I put on a lot of weight recently so I rang up Weight Watchers I said it's an emergency can you send somebody round and they said yes we can we got loads of those my grief counselor died recently but luckily he was so good I didn't give a [ __ ] I accidentally kicked the dog earlier he bit me on the bollocks mimei said it's karma said no if anything is even more angry I asked the vet what can I do I think my dog's racist he keeps barking at the asian man next door and the vet said muzzle him I said I don't know but he's got a beer I went round to see my man I said what you been up to she said weeding the garden said well at least he didn't [ __ ] in it I was in the garden with my girlfriend earlier and we saw the 18 year old girl next door all dolled up ready to go out clubbing and my girlfriend said do you know what at that age I could really see myself in her which was weird cuz I was thinking the exact same the next line is told if this is the answer what is the question on the border six categories James which category would you like sports pleased are a fantastic sport it is the answer is 20 minutes what is the question how long does it take to steam French bean so they don't squeak when you bite into it what is a frankly disappointing distance for the TARDIS to travel back in time how long does it take Joey Essex to fill in the name and address section ina form how long does it take oscar pistorius to cross a cattle grid Jake you wouldn't doing the last leg that's one legged host I don't hear this we be a person to get that joke out well the weeks on average how long was it between Greek elections is it how often does David Cameron have to take swine flu medication is it when a man says he's gonna make love all night long what does he really mean oh let it go it was wonderful is it true or false people don't understand true or false questions is it for the rest of his life what is the longest David Cameron will go without someone shouting oink-oink is it how long had the pig been dead for before easier how long was I watching the footy drunk for last Friday before I realized they were playing rugby okay then what is yeah it is I think how long was the opening ceremony to the Rugby World Cup absolutely thank you very much you know yes yes your question is how long did the Rugby World Cup opening ceremony last the six-week tournament kicked off with an opening ceremony Twickenham which told the story of the sports history and featured cameos from Prince Harry and Jonny Wilkinson and was over nice and quick so the sport could start who you think isn't generally a good thing ever these things are you watching the we broke up not the moment I'm here okay print Aeneid little cameo role didn't yeah you know it was as a comic come here oh well it sort of was wasn't it you know he's pretending there we go he was in fact his first historical costume drama since he dressed up as Hermann Goering they're trying to be historical characters standing next to an outside fused board didn't reflect what rugby is but open ceremony should have been a small boy standing in the rain while a sexually repressed 40 year old PE teacher showered I'm the boys flattened him because that is that what rugby is it's the worst sport in the world is her bullying bullying it's all guys bullying yeah I used to run ahead of the ball so they couldn't pass to me well done with a heavy rain before brawn my friends Thank You Darren a schoolboy supposedly picked up the football and started running me I know it was bound to be a public school if he did that at a state school you'd have just got your face filled in because you're basically giving away a free kick during a football match where is it the public school they went on by Jove I think we're bellies onto something here no what he's just done with that pig's bladder no but look what he's doing with it now just when you thought we dropped this object just when we thought we've moved on it sucks you back in I don't think they've chosen the right host cities I went back to Exeter which my local city they've got a game but they've got one of the World Cup games to give you an idea of Exeter all right do you remember the poster shop Athena mm-hmm they've still got one I call Athena an extra C and a DA the French team were complaining are they breaking I complain again cuz they've been they've been housed in Croydon for the six-week duration I was once on a train coming back into Croydon very late at night and there was a businessman set opposite me and a very very drunk man sat opposite the businessman who was clearly trying to hold in the contents of his evening this drunk man and the Train just pulled into Croydon and this drunk man just threw up into this this plastic bag in front of him and without missing a beat the businessman looked up went Croydon does that to me too sometimes Oh idiots that's a fairy or something isn't what selfie stick someone's taken a photo of them with the selfie stick a selfie sticks like I only invent a joke selfie stick where you press the button and it drops the camera go here's what can happen to drunk air passengers in the future it might sober up yeah if they're complaining drunks are getting on planes you they make you wait for two hours in a pub that's just a brilliant pub that happens to have good transport links the only time you see people 3 o'clock in the morning in an airport pub just phone one of a bacon sandwich and four pints of Stella that seems to make sense to me really as soon as you take away windows or responsibility goes it could be any time I want it to be totally agree I saw a guy this was out of order 7 am having a Wagga Mama's what the hell are you doing you're right you're right who is going wrong in your life there's a guy drinking Guinness looking across go he's got problems planes it's not problem in airports is it and he sent me a problem on planes you can say drunk then you go right you outside now last but it they always say that people get drunk and try to open the you know the doors presume me you can't actually open those doors I don't think somebody's around from the doors obviously a cavity open otherwise we'd all still be on the last plane we got on touch you can tack yep you can't in a kind of a a low you're a very pretty air as well double brandy bond doesn't know from now you can do scenes without disease so if everyone can make the way over to the performance area I read a dis week's topics and then we'll see what our panelists can come up with okay here we go the first subject is unlikely things to hear on a consumer program dear Ann the other day I was changing my baby's nappy any weed right in my face does this mean I can make a pee-pee I claim well what islets wasn't connected and there was no water coming out of the taps and that's the last time I have a poo in the showroom at being cute an important recall announcement now as it transpires a large shipment of party poppers was mistakenly packaged as tampons bad news for electricity consumers n power has been bought by n-dubz critics say Botox is too expensive but we spoke to 50 people who just paid for the treatment and none of them looked surprised mr. Jones got a nasty rash from his new blanket good job he kept the receipt unfortunately it doesn't cover as much as his body it's not half as warm when they came home to find saloon doors and six Dead's Native Americans they knew they were the victim of cowboy builders firstly we'd like to apologize for the mispronunciation on last week's show and particularly to those people who as a result have invested all of their life savings in Isis the house was haunted and when he refused to pay the 200 pounds for the exorcism it was repossessed he a watchdog I bought these pork scratchings but they all taste a bit David Cameron eat the kids were left shocked frightened in tears so our advice if you're hiring a face painter don't book a surrealist a word advice for anyone that wants to buy shares in the company that makes Toblerone this is a pyramid scheme if you've been tempted to go abroad for cheap boob jobs you might reconsider after hearing about Sally who came back from Thailand and discovered her implants had been filled with helium and now they've gone tits up okay you're next up against lines you wouldn't hear in a kid's film why are you crying mummy said pepper well said mommy what did Cameron do to you babe but why are we going this way said Bilbo well said Gandalf we've got to find some way of stretching this [ __ ] to three films it's bad news Dorothy the Cowardly Lion has been shot by an American dentist and here come Lala tinky-winky and poo or the shadow cabinet as are also known it's bad news Pumbaa Simba has been shot by an American dentist here comes captain hook who turned to piracy after his benefits were stopped no James that isn't a giant peach that's Nicki Minaj walking away from us Edmund Lucy bad news I have a Potter it's me your friend Ron Weasley don't look a little bit like that James a tester we saw on Mock the Week hey here's a good idea let's go to all the best gigs and shout Ron Weasley at him in the audience because no one's ever done that before hello with the railroad children except on Sundays when we're known as the bus replacement children once a year there is an event called the Hunger Games or a son call it London Fashion Week half grizzly bear and half Buffalo The Gruffalo was the biggest scariest animal in the whole wood until one day he got a job presenting Mock the Week Nimmo me no Nanny McPhee I've got bad news we're replacing you with nanny max maulavi from Belarus I'm her be a VW Beetle I falsified my admissions tests twice can see we film the whole movie over Skype which is why we call it frozen the wonderful thing about Tiggers is we can disembark Iselle in ten seconds and Booker jeongae I'm back in the show congratulations on passing zone I'm James a passer but the washing on darling goodness you

Channel: Mock The Week Full Episodes

Views: 689,524

Keywords: Mock The Week (TV Program), James Acaster, Gary Delaney, Zoe Lyons, Josh Widdicombe, Episode (Award Discipline)

Id: DtJreygfNTE

Length: 29min 59sec (1799 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 10 2015