Michigan Dems Vote “Uncommitted” | Biden Talks Ceasefire Over Ice Cream | GOP Targets Birth Control

welcome welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm your host stepen colar today today uh is the Michigan primary for both the Democrats and the Republicans right yeah so uh before we tape this uh around six o'clock before the polls close so we don't know the results Nikki Haley win or lose keep doing whatever it is you think that is fascinating to watch but uh there there's one interesting wrinkle that the PCY is watching tonight involving Michigan's large arab-american population you see due to their broad disapproval of how Joe Biden has supported Israel's actions in Gaza a coalition of arab-american and Muslim leaders are urging Democrats to vote uncommitted in the primary as a form of protest and it's very important this is a peaceful protest they're angry but they're not going to do something insane and destructive like vote for Dean Phillips and apparently the Biden Administration is optimistic about about a ceasefire deal soon the odd thing is how we found out about it last night Biden appeared on Late Night with Seth Meyers and I for one I'm so happy for my dear friend Seth that he had the president on his show even though we have invited him here to the Ed solvin theater and I do not is he over there I don't see him he's not here and he's not with you uh keep looking you know maybe he's lost he is so very very old see what you made me do Joe you see hurt people hurt people anyway so the president not only sat down for an interview with my former friend Seth but they went out to an ice cream shop where a reporter asked the president this can you give us a sense of when you think that will start sir well I hope by the the beginning of the weekend I mean the end of the weekend at least my my my National Security advisor tells me that we're close we're we're close it's not done yet and My Hope Is by next Monday we'll have a ceasefire that was a very statesmanlike response and a reason to Kindle hope if he hadn't set it directly into a scoop of mint chip it's time to bring peace to a region that has known far too [Applause] much tragedy of course uh diplomacy has always gone great with dessert even at the Ala conference they had a chocolate fountain what I love most about this is how awkward this moment is for Seth Meyers just oh fantastic is that great I feel you I feel you Seth this is why you have to be careful about inviting reporters to watch you film with your guests you don't want to answer serious questions during a goofy segment that's why Seinfeld stopped doing Comedians and Cars discussing Afghanistan now here in New York is this also in New York this is also in New York here in New York Trump has way bigger problems than ice cream cones he he's he's got about 30 days to raise nearly half a billion dollars to pay his fraud judgments but there's a more immediate threat because a jury also ordered him to pay 83.3 million for defaming egene Carroll and in order to stop her from collecting immediately Trump has to post 110% of the amount in a cash Bond of $91 Million by March 9th you know the old saying March comes in like a lion and goes out like a bankrupt sexual predator hey Trump's team Trump's team Trump's team is he's tried some unusual legal maneuvering to postpone him having to cough up the cash for instance they said that he shouldn't have to pay because the Judgment was likely to be overturned due to the fact that their client's Behavior was not uniquely egregious you can't get away with a crime just because it wasn't unique you never hear a jur say we find the defendant derivative really a victim's head in the Box please is it 1995 boring but their craziest argument is that Trump shouldn't have to post a bond at all because he's too rich you can't argue with that logic also also your honor I shouldn't have to go to jail because I'm too guilty I'm just I don't think people are noticing by the way people are noticing uh spoiler alert the judge said no to both arguments after he stopped laughing uh speaking of Trump's crimes uh we're learning more about former Trump attorney and defendant who just sent a cocktail to the stenographer Kenneth cheese bro uh cheese bro is The Mastermind of the fake elector scheme to overthrow the 2020 election but last year cheese bro pleaded guilty in Georgia and has been cooperating with Michigan and Wisconsin investigators in hopes of avoiding more criminal charges but it turns out cheese bro might not escape the cheese grader of Justice because CNN found out that cheese bro had a secret Twitter account and that's bad news for him since while he was under oath he told prosecutors this do you have any social media presence uh Facebook Instagram I mean uh no uh I I for whatever I mean before any yeah uh alternate IDs that you're using for that kind of stuff no I mean uh I don't I don't do any Tweeting that is the sound of someone desperately trying to remove the Twitter app from their phone under the desk uh Twitter No I uh uh I mean I mean uh really I'm a h h h i mean I don't uh I don't have no damn face ID not recognized um uh uh reg just I would like to phone a friend now cheese bro's secret account was called Badger pundit no no sir Badger pundit is not the Alias of a wisconsin-based election denier Badger pundit is a new cartoon show I am writing where a badger works at a 24-hour News Network for animals that is headquartered in a big tree and is called tree Ann their rival network is still Fox News but with actual foxes call me Paramount Plus is there still Paramount plus you still have Paramount plus oh there's a huge story from when we were on break that we haven't had a chance to talk about yet the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that Frozen embryos are children now this surprised a lot of people and proves Beyond a doubt the Republicans do not know what children are you know kids sure I know kids you keep them in a Vada of liquid nitrogen at 320° that's why they're called children not warmr come on thank folks now one of the guys one of the guys behind this decision is a Christian nationalist Alabama chief justice and off-duty Captain Crunch Tom Parker obviously uh judge Parker's ruling is disastrous for people trying to have children through IVF because it would force parents to pay for lifelong storage fees of embryos they will never be allowed to discard so people are going to be desperate for cheap storage spots okay if you go to your parents place do not open that Christmas tin from the Popcorn Factory it's your Frozen brother experts say this ruling would quote require embryos to remain in cryogenic storage even after the couple who underwent the IVF treatment have died and potentially even after the couple's children grandchildren and even great grandchildren have died that's going to make for some weird family reunions Parker say hello to your great great grand embryo I don't care if he smells weird give him a kiss and and this is this Alabama ruling is really just the beginning as of 2023 fetal personhood bills have been introduced in at least 14 State legislatures and they've already been enacted in Georgia and Missouri on the bright side if you're a pregnant woman driving in Missouri you can now use the carpool lane to drive out of Missouri now Republicans are not going to stop at this they're not carpool lane people love carpool lane jokes Republicans are not going to stop at IVF the next thing on their agenda is birth control right after the Supreme Court overturned roie Wade Democrats in Congress introduced a bill aimed to ensure access to contraception Nationwide and 195 House Republicans immediately voted against it you see religious conservatives approve only the type of sex depicted in the Bible one man two of his daughters and a pillar of salt that likes to watch we got a great show for you tonight my guest is Josh Roland but when we come back meanwhile join us won't [Music] [Applause] you [Music] a

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Views: 1,467,809

Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous

Id: mjV5NheZTU8

Length: 10min 9sec (609 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 28 2024