Lyle the Intern Collection on Late Show, 2008-2009

[Music] well here's good news we got to the bottom earlier the phone rang and it turns out it was a it was turns out it was a it was a wrong number I'm sorry hi how are you can I could I help you with something how you doing man good I'm fine I just want to let you know that I'm uh I'm diggin your whole vibe you got going over here huh great I love what you got going I'm loving your scene the whole scene man thank you very much yeah it's good stuff that's great I you know I don't know your name Lyle Lyle the Internet oh well the inter yeah people call me Lyle he's a way to remember it just single-aisle the intern huh yeah and uh the college kid where to go to school school of life right I couldn't be happier that you're part of the intern program while but you know we're right in the middle of a show that's cool and relaxed I want to squeeze your yam bags or nothin but I was wondering wondering what well you me yeah tonight we go to McGee's pie you are my wingman I don't I don't know what that means you got me Roscoe okay you bring him in Lyle shoots them down chunk we made some hot chicks we take them out we get some shrimp scampi we do some dance and we get some more drinks and then we go back to your house for some dancing in the dark no we're not as much fun as that sounds loud we're not we're not going back to my house it's cool about a cup just shake it upset okay I'm sorry I thought I feel like I let you down no no you and me we're the same right right we are well don't you have to get back to work how I'm working it Dave yeah I'm working it right now okay all you ladies out there no time talking about Vegas huh listen the new girls out there feeling the Lyle vibe right about never wanted me for a drinky drink you just show up the theater here tonight what was that last little thing that I said if you want to meet for a drink II drank you just show up here at the theater tonight oh okay make it around 10-ish finish well yeah and bring an easy friend for dingus over here you got me tel thanks loyal I believe it overhead while the intern will be right back with jeremy'll there [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] they had a great show for you tonight they're Regis Philbin is here and Arthur Joseph it's gonna be a oh hi hi can I help your uh while right yeah you know me dingus in turn well that's right Lyle the intern I go on ahead with the fun house though I just need a minute discord with the costume lady Lyle needs to take a little breather yeah now Lyle you know we're in the middle of a show here and a delicious one it is expect a few Pat's on the back when this baby drunk right now while don't you don't you have them something to do or all God's children David we've all got work to do though right hey we on for Saturday hey yeah I don't know what you're talking about sir you and me we're gonna head to the airport Marriott chat up some stranger's make a little love connection most of them are nice and desperate which reminds me drink this what what is that herbal from Japan it's Japanese [Laughter] sure don't boost your yang whoa you drive your lady wild or your fella whatever you know okay fine I I think Lyle I'm just gonna pass on that if that's all right you're lost dr. Zaius I'm sorry and I hate to be pestering I don't think you can smoke in here I've done this for you yeah but now you owe me and I'm gonna collect okay but I think Lyle you should be good going really yeah I'm going David huh I'm gonna act like you didn't just push me away gonna pretend that you appreciate what it is that I'm doing for you I'm gonna break down your walls and get to your gooey cream Center I'm going okay thanks Lyle good to see you buddy while the intern I've challenging happy to have him I would let's do a pilot with him I will be right back with regis philbin everybody [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you [Music] Wow thanks Paul how you doing how you doing good thanks just gonna stand backstage watching you're watching you're working yeah beautiful man it's like watching a lion stalking its prey now you're an intern right that's right yeah you're a while Wow it is me Lyle yeah yeah and it is you David king of the jungle what department do you work with I'm here I'm there a float I'm a floater floater right right you know we're doing the show we're right in the middle of the show I know you you you work it I just want to watch you yeah I I wonder at Lyle if we could maybe talk later well we could but I want to talk to this Dave you know the funny one not the one who sits in his office all day muttering to himself and cleaning his guns I'm not sure that's exactly fair but okay well is it not fair Dave I mean last time I was here things got kind of dirty I feel like Lyle maybe came on a little bit too strong so I brought you something oh oh that's nice Lyle but you know it's I don't even remember the last time you were here I do so I remember it well do you mind if I open this no please do I insist nothing in here Lyle that's whatever you want it to be David I'm just smacking your bag I'm just smacking your bag I got you this bro oh you have one too yeah yeah but what no it's this that's extra creepy yeah yeah I will see you around the crowd bro all right thanks well I mean he even even walks creepy did you know while the interest will be right back with Amy Adams I'm very excited [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] either cello my brother from another mother yeah I I know you you're that in turn right affirmative Lyle rhymes with style and I go the extra mile if you know what I mean hey can I say something to a friend of mine at home sure hey Donny what's up man [Laughter] Lila is there something I can help you with oh no what what's so funny you man everything you say it's gold yeah but you know I didn't I didn't say anything amusingly you don't have to Sweeney you got the gift got to tell you I'm pretty jealous who ever gets to hang out with you on the weekends I don't know if it's your wife your girlfriend Paul over there your pool boy whatever it is you're into got to be laughs central USA up in that piece well let me try this again whoa why why are you out here come on you think I forgot I don't forget my boys birthday the big day the big event we are gonna go large okay you really didn't need to do so guy yes I did because this city is our oyster so let's start shucking it okay fine yeah I'm gonna give you a little present oh thanks do you mind if I open it I insist okay oh my gosh look at this Wow thanks Lyle it's a metro card thank you I don't pay one price ride all night and usually get up to my place I'll be there bustin it trying to get my neighbor in our anti show up - it's gonna be hot with two T's baby well that's great lolly I really don't know what to say honestly that's fine mommy I don't know why you're doing this here I mean we're friends amigos were compadres we're shorties David yeah but I'll keep chip chip chip away at the wall you got built up around yourself don't you worry I'll get through it Niall doesn't give up and I've cracked bigger nuts than you [ __ ] Avantika in turn I was told that he had a very good interview on the phone that's good while the intern will be right back with Kelsey Grammer ladies you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Abdo labs oh hi hi can I help you well thanks shinebox I'm good I'm sorry shinebox yeah that's what yeah you're that you're that intern right you knows that ly Ellie Lyle Wow my LUN ch Bronx no I don't think so well thank you for tracking American cheese that's crazy delish I see now Lyle we've been through this before is is there something I can do for you because you know we're right in the middle of a show all right you know I was backstage watching one of those celebrity dancing programs you got to get on that show really I mean you got the moves you feel the vibe you got the body you got that long slender loin ybody you got the body of a Greek god Fran Tarkenton in his heyday exactly now up what it taught me and the folks what it is you do here on The Late Show as an intern well I just try to stay out of your way lady I mean you come in here you have your afternoon coffee and you start screaming and yelling and smashing equipment uh people have no idea what goes on it's cool though I'm here to clean the puke off your shirt I'm sorry about that now that was very unpleasant like shut the hell up David okay I mean I keep your secrets man I keep your weird terrible little secrets I see crazy monkey every day in this place but it all stays right here okay thanks Lyle I guess but uh oh my god where is the time gotten to I I think maybe you have to have time for you to go no I'm sorry it's cool let's don't gag the Rhino right exactly I got places to be any more coffees backstage voice Stephane and Ronnie really oh they're there all right there all right we're gonna go ahead on the tourists at the Mamma Mia oh yeah one more in the crib no no I'm busy thanks anyway live say no you say no but your heart is screaming yes I mean you can't stay locked up in here David you got to run free tear it up your filthy caged animal [Applause] can't stay a virgin forever [ __ ] while the intern music we'll be right back with Matthew Broderick everyone you [Music] [Music] [Applause] I'm sorry hello hi that's good listen hi you're a your intern Lyle is that right kind of yeah that's right buzz cut let's knock off the chitchat and get down to the nitty-gritty okay okay the nuts and the bolts the yin and the yang I'm here to help you yeah I'm I don't really feel like I need help oh I think you might need some help I was watching backstage you need it this audience yeah yeah yeah this audience isn't buying what you selling man they want to they want to see celebrities losing weight they want to see bisexuals dating they want to some sports bloopers and they want to see monkeys do it I I you know I'm not sure we need that well I almost we froggy trust me I'm plugged in you know how many friends I have on to MySpace no I know I don't dirty well that doesn't seem like that many thousand now I don't believe that who cares what you believe grandma you're from Mars I think we have to Lyle if you'll excuse us we have to continue with the show I like that attitude puds Oh keep it movin like a shark you gotta keep swimming keep swimming stop swimming you die exactly I've got some big plans for tonight though okay as soon as this little talent show is over me and my girlfriend Carol can go see some Speed Racer oh is that Carol writing about you big guy Carol brought a little slice for you too aunt Fran and Fred you and me and Fran and Carol yeah well I'm the first yeah I got a lot of paper work tonight I not gonna be able to go out and do anything sorry David lock yourself away lock yourself away but you know what you're gonna look around one day and you're gonna be all alone with your deep dark freaky thoughts and you won't have aunt Fran to cuddle with you and you won't have Lyle to rub away the pain you fat fat bastard that's what we're gonna have to take a long hard look at the intern program what what kind of grades did that guy get we'll be right back with America for our [Music] you [Applause] [Music] yeah if you wake up but there's a guy doing this just ask for a little more juice hey hey that is for you oh thank you very much I appreciate that can I can I help you with save it it is I who can help ye what what is with the the martini and the cigarette well tonight you are a party my friend okay hey mr. big pants okay so show me the money yeah mr. had me at hello mr. fly me to the moon mr. no fishing without a license Wow you're uh you're Lyle you're part of the intern the affirmative froggie tells it like it is yeah now Lyle you know we're right in the middle of the show we're doing tells it like it is huh yeah please don't do that again yeah yeah punch the rock oh sure yeah I can do that there you go well I'll we're well into the summer now how's the internship going you could read about it in my blog giver seems good so you have one of those internet it's a blog yeah and it sounds great with all glog right yeah what did woody what are you write about on the on the blog well my friend Rudy and I we write about working here I do have a copy of today's blog oh yeah I think this would be Thursday Dave won't climb out on my jock keep screamin Lyle where's my men's magazines Lyle where's my toupee glue Lyle where's my ass rash lotion Wow where's my underpants if only people knew how crazy he is what now that's none of that that just doesn't seem bright Lyle I'm sorry David I've never asked you for anything ever I'm sorry asked me for anything I never asked you for anything why I don't think so I was calling in favor okay after everything I've done for you it is now your turn to pay it forward right you make some dreams come true you stop taking you start okay that's fine but I'm not sure you've done much for me but if you've done a couple things okay what do you need Lyle I need you to introduce me to Burt Reynolds man Burt Reynolds he gets it he gets me I think we'd be good together I'm sorry awhile I don't know Burt Reynolds I get it Green Monster mmm-hmm you jealous Steve jealousy is an ugly mask my friend okay but don't worry there's plenty of Lyle Warren boards do you need to go around Nancy Lyle Warren Bortz jr. that is my name do not wear it out please okay don't worry you'll always be my number one okay good Thanks but if you disrespect me I will stick you like a pig fat boy yeah he's very odd I was gonna say he pops up in the middle of the show that's the least odd thing about it we'll be right back with mary-kate Olsen everybody [Applause] [Music] you you [Music] [Applause] [Music] yes siree whoa whoa oh hi I'm sorry I didn't I didn't see it could I'm sorry excuse me hello can I help you with something sir what huh yeah oh hi sorry yeah what's going on care to ride the bull I'm fine what your intern the intern yes ma'am Lyles the name Styles the game which by the way you clearly have none of one for Lyle what exact well what are you doing writing down there on that yeah that's jotting down some notes about your little rehearsal here uh-huh but you know I'm sorry Lyle this isn't the rehearsal this is the show oh that's terrible no TIG is the wrong way Shirley but the scene exactly Apollo 11 known I mean ya know I don't I don't know what that means but I think you do exactly what it means yeah well I don't here are some of my observation is okay let's see what you Dave seems drunk nothing hairpiece still not fooling anyone Botox gone wrong yeah pistol' Botox it clearly does not want to be here I like being a supreme case of denial and gay which I'm totally cool with my dad's good so thank you very much Lyle that's plenty and then now we just gotta get superstar what's a man on my back tight David oh yeah yeah you should just take an advil okay take your easy Scarface don't want your drugs how about just use your supple tapered ladylike fingers and work a little magic on me huh it's kind of lay on some hands it's good I don't know you know I don't just rub me down Dave don't you know I just Lyle I'm sorry I just don't think I want to rub you and don't be afraid of you don't be afraid to use a little oil yeah okay fine nothing with jasmine little Isles the little allergic yeah okay that's good but I really am not allowed to touch the album in a while listen to me we're out of time darn the luck we're out of time hold on a sec hold on I got big plans yeah yeah yeah the three of us are gonna do big things three of us like who look me you and my main man Rudy he's backstage rude boy oh I've seen him he is I've seen him there he is hanging in a banging just banging and a hanging hanging that was David banging he's hanging anyway I've got plans good large they are humongous they are large mungus fungus yeah but you got some scratch right there button down money yes you know what I'm broke lies I've seen how much you spend on ladies of the night you gotta be flush baby you're doing all right yeah well I really have no idea what you're talking about Lila then shut up and listen what it's you me Rudy right we opened up a Pizza Hut franchise huh think about it think about you me the deep dish tasty toppings the chicks the salad bar that goes on as far as the eye can see oh yeah bacon bits yes please good rudy is stumped pretty is stuck isn't it yeah there yeah well these ready to go Vegas yeah wow I it all sounds great but it's not gonna happen I'm sorry Wow Wow David it's still playing these games okay I see what you're doing what what do we do Howard play yeah all right I see right through it but let me tell you this okay if I find that you cut me and Rudy out of this pizzahut deal and you go and do it by yourself you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna run you down with my Nissan you fat one more for Lyle okay Wow the intern ladies in this is a sweet sounds Paul you're making me feel like Bette Midler up in this piece Wow I mean when we hired him everybody just thought he was kind of quirky but he's psychotic we'll be right back with Ricky Gervais [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hi hi excuse me hi there can I can I help you sure can let me borrow your phone there Nancy Reagan what do you mean borrow my phone I'm sorry what are you talking about I got to call the fire department because you are hot tonight yeah okay which is your hot be ridiculous melon farmer you this is that internal I'll write Internet service milady good to see you I'm sorry to interrupt this little autopsy got going on here but I just wanted to want to come out and congratulate ya I can tell by your glow that you're finally getting some tickle spider what if I'm the what did the spider I don't know what that is make it laugh I don't want to talk us do it touch it I don't think I want to I'm not going I'm not going to put that away yes I well you know as always I don't I don't know what you're talking about oh my goodness gracious don't lie to me David you've been on cloud nine ever since they legalized gay marriage right now wait a minute yeah come on did you and Ramon finally take the plunge that the TMZ bubble what cuz I said let's get a hold of ourselves here how how was your summer that can't huh I'm sorry back in fat camp at camp so you you went to fat camp there girls need love to expect you to understand that David and you and expect you to understand that most of all yeah all right well I don't I don't really yeah yeah you should yeah we really should and well well thank you for dropping by David I was with my Posse this morning I'm sorry what I was with my posse Oh your posse yeah I don't who is the posse come on you met a big dog Rudy where is he oh yeah [Applause] he's electric I forgot a bro visiting from out of town is he back there Oh who's that looking good rabbi Sol Amal so he got Rudy and a rabbi that's great I said the noob dammit he is a wild man that rabbi anyway my crew and I got an idea for us to make some scratch scratch what some clams slams some sweet sweet green grass with motown baby we're gonna mow it down your I don't know what you're talking about talking about bootleg movies baby bootleg bootleggers were bootleg and here's the business Paul all right you're in the entertainment industry sort of so you get to see the movies before everybody else you tape them I sell them yeah we retire to Boca no I don't you know I don't i mean lyle that's a you know we can go to federal pit I can't do they have it down F with me yeah do not f with me I'm not what do not what I needs money yeah that I needs money to keep the big girls happy you know what does it cost to keep a big girl hair costs plenty of money all right well I guess so good after everything I've done for you the least you can do is return the favor fav and if not miles gonna have to get rude what but you haven't really done much for me honestly I've done some things yeah okay sure yeah well I'm not sure what to be a part of this well if you don't follow through when you get home I will be under your bed and then the still of the night I will shank you you'll shank me I will shank you you dirty dirty [ __ ] new you know think I want to be part of that I don't play it live to ride back with Julianne Moore [Music] [Applause] oh man I didn't even see it come in can I help you well not working tonight chief okay we got to shoot this pig it is diseased it's sick scaring the audience we got to put her down here that that intern guy in the flesh Jordan yeah you're Lyle the intern that is me and I and I happen to know that your internship ended about two years ago that's alive that is alive you know you're still hanging around lying to yourself into your audience David yeah take this pill what what is that what I'm not taking that what is that where did you get that I don't want that I'm not eating anything that's been in your pocket I don't have no food I'm not gonna what is that hey what are you doing there Lyle gingko biloba gingko biloba stay with your David I'm sorry go get biloba gingo gingko biloba and go biloba all right please stop saying that I won't stop saying that about the discount bin at the Duane Reade it's totally expired take two and you're off and running I just took six and I'm getting on the bus Wow getting getting on the bus yeah its expression gesture I'll try to keep up so old wait a minute man Rudy's backstage I took a couple and he has energized as hell really Rudy where oh there is Rudy can you hear me all right yes yeah cool down Rudeboy you're gonna pop now listen while not that it hasn't been fun is there something I can help you with here tonight sure you can watch your mouth first of all what by the way don't think I haven't noticed that hairy placement system is looking fan a fantastic look is patchy oh good thank you very much no problem jessica tandy teamwork makes the dream work did you call me jessica tandy certain yes sir now what else is on your mind well I've got a proposition for you yeah internet show I show an intern an internet a show on the Internet Wow you know you've got an Internet show that's just getting started I brought you a clip Oh a clip of the Internet show yes sir I'd like to see this let's take a look here told him it was okay to enjoy the cupcake without feeling emotionally obligated to the girl so in essence you just told my son it's okay to have sex with the girl without having any feelings towards her now first of all I didn't see you in that show yeah secondly that's the CBS blockbuster comedy hit Two and a Half Men and you can't do that well why what what are you doing here well I love that show Chuck Sheen is my hero uh-huh yeah yeah now here's one for Mike now this is the accurate roll it [Laughter] it's good that was good that really wants something mm thank you very much but listen up when this petting zoo of yours ends you come with us you do our show lights camera chicks more chicks big-time TV parties limos more chicks or guys or whatever crazy stuff goes on to that fabulous melon shaped head of yours you handsome crazy half monkey man Wow well thanks for the invitation if in fact that's what that was was exactly yeah well I think I'm fine I like I'm just stay right here thank goodness gracious David Lyle has been your friend my husband here trying to help you but you never let Lyle in and that's fine with Lyle but hear me clearly push now too far and I will snuff you out without leaving any fingerprints sound like a correct I don't want to tell them how to do their business but it seems like that's a perfect job for the French Secret Service yeah we'll be right back with carla bruni ladies you [Applause] Oh huh what'd you bring the wheel I'll bring the Zima meeting the man pet what what I need them to what excuse me I'm sorry what it what are you doing we're on the doing it shut up I'm on the phone yeah I know they don't make it anymore my mom's got some stored in her closet listen I'm sorry we're doing uh oh you know that you're thatis that in turn it's wild the intern your Grandpa's getting upset hold on a second kissa kissa my man yeah well we're right in the middle of a show well and I do that I do know that you're doing a show a couple of us we're watching a back story Thanks yeah do the show tonight blows so we flipped on the TiVo we flipped on the TiVo now we're watching some Galactica yeah now while I understand as an intern you're not getting paid but especially during this show maybe you shouldn't be watching TV maybe I should yeah pretty much anyway you maybe you should climb out of my butt what what what what what what I know what ah do you have it you have any work any work you should be doing while I'm working overtime on this rudderless Carnival yeah what is it you do around here well I listen Dave I'm a listener you want to hear what people are saying about you well yeah yeah I kind of do lazy angry drunk crazy Haggard gropey that's mine doughy smells like fear sorrow and Old Spice thank you very much you know I was thinking about this I mean where Dee are you from around here where do you live that is so sexy that you're worried about me yeah but don't you worry jessica tandy I sleep right here jessica tandy yes ma'am now when you say you sleep right here I mean you got an apartment in the area I mean what do you do you want to see a clip a clip of you sleeping let's take a look this wild answer oh no oh no oh while ooh I gotta I gotta get a new desk Lyle this please this one's a little hard yeah now I I'm not sure that even without pay that we're getting our money's worth here what what if you why don't you get back to work mmm Wow feeling the flood of emotion right now yeah yeah humiliation embarrassment a little hungry made a fool of Lyle again on national TV at all games out here in la-la land but when you're driving yourself home tonight and your Datsun 280zx remember this I know where you live beyond Thanks while while the attorney Wow he seems like he likes you do you guys get along hi me yeah that's America's perception oh I see we'll be right back with the lovely Bonnie Hunt [Applause] I know who you are your Lyle you're the intern God sort of nice to see you and like that at all can I help you sure can Billy Jack just wanted to come on out here and say wow you're gonna get done tonight hilarious most nights most nights it's pretty weak it's like you don't even care but tonight strong tonight is strong so hang on grandma I'm saying hang on Nelson hang on Pepe called The Weather Channel we got some ball lightning lightning up in cities yeah that's exciting yeah what else I've seen you buying pills in the park no you know you have it was I yes I have no you have this I have no you have this I have no you haven't [Music] well what do you uh what do you do in your free time and I get the impression that maybe that's all you have this free time let me ask you this are you seeing anybody do you have a girlfriend I certainly do David thank you for asking actually met her here on your show oh that's great she's an intern - she answers your hate mail yeah it's on the hate mail team hate mail squad right hate mail community yeah hate mail task force Chicago and and LA what do you what do you do here what are your responsibilities as an intern brought you a clip no you didn't yes I did no you didn't yes I did no you didn't yes I did no you didn't so now what oh why don't you roll the clip Spielberg Wow Wow well I'm sorry I apologize Lyle you truly are a Renaissance man and don't you forget it's squirrel boy I'm the paprika and you're paprikash right okay all right thanks mile nice job horse meat Forester horsemeat that's right while the intern put me right back with Andy Samberg ladies and gentlemen [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] excuse me I'm sorry yeah yeah uh-huh I'm sorry can I help you with something yeah uh-huh what yeah huh you're gonna have to leave we're right in the middle of a show shut up I'm on the phone yeah yeah oh no it's just my boss you know I'm sorry that's not what I sound like if it is hung up Kenny as soon as grandpappy here takes his afternoon nap I'm gonna slip out of this sweat shop we're gonna go play some laser tag okay yeah you're I know who you are you're a Lyle the intern nice nice to see you're the intern Lyle right right Dave Lyle the intern I'm the blood flowing through the heart of this organization right I'm the PE to your B and J the cap into your crunch the bud to your wiser the wonder and your bread the chicken in the pot pie the pee all over yours aw well I have no idea what you're talking about but while I haven't seen you in a while and I noticed that you have a you have a beard it looks pretty good thank you David I can do it to be a little more like you yeah but I don't I don't I haven't had a beard in a couple of years well I don't watch the show that off yeah but I did what I wanted to stop by and make sure that you were okay yeah I'm fine actually thank you very much what I'm fine why well I saw that you didn't get the Tonight Show and that's a yeah that's a tough break duck face but don't sweat it because I'm sure you'll end up on network TV again sometime soon thanks again lab but I'm on network TV on CBS right now I'm on CBS oh that's ridiculous they have respectable programming yeah but I was watching this train wreck backstage though yes well I thought the show was going not too bad so I thought it was very very bad I brought it clear you brought a clip let's take a look sure you want to go out there man well I thought I might like diving off a cliff suicide yeah well thanks for dropping by Lyle that was just great I appreciate that I'm not pleasure David what are you doing after the show wait let me guess you're sitting in your office drinking and singing show tunes again we can hear you you know I don't do that to the why don't I don't do that it's deafening I don't do that liable Sanjay yeah no I don't do that but listen yeah after the show what I'm going to do is head up with some buddies to a rally up the street you want Enzi's no I again thanks for the invitation but that's that's a rally of people who want me fired while oh well thanks for stopping by there goes Lyle the interns I'll see you at the rally Peabo yeah all right we'll be right back with a lovely [Music] [Music] okay all right right now I am in rehearsal and this is where David butchers the material because he's still drunk from lunch you're uh I know who you are you're you're an intern right yes David Lyle the intern well yeah everybody doesn't know the name of anyone on his staff all he does is drink his Jack Daniels smoke his mob Rosita's fried pork sandwiches and cry like a wounded animal it's very very sad but soon the show will start the magic will happen the candle will be lit let's watch while you know this this is the show it's not rehearsal this is the show oh the show's death tonight folks it's terrible terrible you probably want to try a catch an episode of John and Kate Plus eight those people are bad shizzle crazy no be be that as it may Lyle what what exactly what are you doing here with the thing I'm doing my video blog d-dog doing a vlog long it up showing the people what it's really like in here I got to get the truth out like they did in Iran yeah well that seems that seems about right yeah this guy this guy here so paranoid he carries a buck knife with him everywhere he goes yesterday I saw him slice up a CBS page the pastor didn't know what hit him yeah now it's awful now while that that never had don't cut me off David tell my story America now sing it from the mountaintops Lyall I I know that you're busy with your intern responsibilities here on the show I'm surprised you have time to actually produce a little video blog alright princess I hear what you're saying you don't think I do anything around this dump but I do things I do terrible awful terrible things who kills the rats in the theater me yeah the stagehand spit in your coffee who tries to clean some of it out me who shaves you down nice and smooth like a baby now again while that never happened I shut your mouth whole you don't appreciate me David you don't appreciate me but you should because I am the best intern that has ever lived I take care of your wants and your needs and your cares but if you prick me David do I not bleed so please just please watch your mouth ass bag is all yours Paul I know he seems to like you I got along well you on the other hand no I don't know what the problem is we'll be right back with Queen Latifah everybody you [Music] [Applause] mother this turkey is blowing my mind dad you're looking well our things at the cat food factory hey Grammy Graham Graham you got to stop chewing so loud you just grossing me out papers I'm sorry pardon me mm-hmm excuse me not Dave back here what are you what are you what are you doing sir there's you getting my chowin man yeah you want some gravy no this is you know this is Paul this is Lyle beer and remember there's that internet my lousy internet Thank You L remembered yeah while what are you doing exactly well next week is Thanksgiving Chester but I can't afford to fly home because you don't pay me enough well while it's it's a it's an internship how much do we pay you nothing it sounds like we're getting our money's worth watch your mouth watch that mouth Nancy Reagan you're getting fresh all right man Nancy you Reagan no anyway I gots to eat my Thanksgiving dinner right here right now ow ow ow and my main man Rudy he will record it and my family can watch it next week while I'm stuck up in this hellhole that's Rudy there mom-mom the pumpkin pie is bumping should be called bump and pie uncle Nick and Nancy I see the kids are still terribly ugly you know while we've had this problem before we're right in the middle of a show for heaven's sake all right Rudy plans off king louie over here cancelled Thanksgiving sorry America make yourself at home I I don't think that's what we're doing here we're not canceling anything and and by the way with this internship are you getting college credit really you bet you're vibrating Underpants I am putting together a little video diary to submit to my professor really really well what school do you go to law school a life yam bag screwed Dave a major in Poli Sci oh well you know that doesn't make any sense yeah kind of does it kind of does let's roll my clip hit it chica here's what I do today I make Dave's coffee I make Dave's lunch [Music] I check out the guests what you smelling the guests like for a while but now we know good yeah I know now we've run out of time while I'm very sorry that's fine but Dave yes what is it well you're my hero thank you very much well while the internet and gentlemen all right buddy I love that book Paul head of the good read areas we'll be right back with Stephen Colbert [Applause] and the number one sign your mall Santa Claus is overworked joke to come oh hi can I help you no I'm alright lie helps himself lay a while you're that intern yeah crap trap I'm that intern I'm just a nothing intern just a lowly intern so low that you didn't even know my name no I do know your name it's Lyle I just said it Yeah right then Colonel Mustard's been hitting the Menace I've been drinking coffee Lyle doesn't even know my name my name is Lyle can I help you Lyle no but I was hoping you can help me out sure anything okay can you write me a letter of recommendation because I'm applying for a job at Conan this place is death it's a morgue it's a D morgue TBS is where all the actions at Jackson right well yeah I can do that for you but thanks for stopping by tonight Lyle hey I'm not done yet Garfunkel gotta say tonight's top ten not so good but don't worry Lyles here with all the answers what's that I hold in my hand tonight's top ten [Music] number 10 if you have it you have a topic there Lyle yeah the topic is tonight's topic is top 10 batshit crazy things I've seen working here hmm number 10 a boss that refuses to learn my name number 9 stagehands who put ground ground of glass into my boss's coffee yeah I'm talking to you Gary [Laughter] number 8 watching ahab here blow every paycheck playing hi gal poker on some website in Trinidad number 7 no number 7 [ __ ] it never 6 I just gotta say my man Paul Shaffer is the wind beneath my wings speaking of that number 5 is number 5 pudding Lyle loves his pudding cups number 4 plastic surgery is your in bonuses number 3 I won't say who it is but someone here makes me shave his back number 2 I'm heading the CBS Orchestra their medicine and number 1 a sad sad and lonely man who sits in his office popping pain pills and crying till he falls asleep every day there's the closing animation wow that was great Lyle but you know what we're just about out of time I see what's going on my list was funnier you I see what's going on my list was funnier than yours Amy and cuts you like a razor blade it hurts but you have to take that pain David you have to turn it into something you got to turn it into love and when you're ready to see what that we have here something special I'll be waiting well I don't think that's gonna happen David you kiss my ass you fact that [Laughter] fascinating while the intern sign your mall Santa Clauses over work to joke to come oh hi can I help you yeah man that helps himself Lyle now you're that intern that's right crap trap I'm just that intern nothing intern I'm an intern solo you didn't even bother to know my name I do know your name it's Lyle I just said it Yeah right take Colonel Mustard over here he's been hitting the men I've been drinking coffee while he doesn't even know my name hi I'm Lyle nice to meet you can I can I help you Lyle yeah you could help me out though sure anything I need you to write me a letter of recommendation okay cuz I'm applying for a job at Conan because this place is death it's a death morgue it's a D morgue all the action is at TBS Jackson right you know I can do that for you thanks for stopping by tonight what don't get Garfunkel I gotta say tonight's top ten not good at all it was terrible but don't worry Lyle is here with all the answers what is that I hold in my hand tonight's top ten [Music] tonight's topic top 10 batshit crazy things I've seen working here number 10 a boss who refuses to know my name never nines stagehands who put ground up broken glass in the bosses coffee and I'm looking at you Gary back there a creep there 8 watching ahab here blow every paycheck playing PI Gow Poker on some website and Trinidad number 7 there's no number 7 [ __ ] it number 6 my man Paul Shaffer is the wind beneath my wings number 5 pudding I just I really love pudding number 4 plastic surgery as year-end bonuses number 3 I won't say who it is but someone here makes me shave his back number 2 getting the CBS Orchestra their medicine and the number 1 batshit crazy thing I've seen working here a sad sad lonely man who sits in his office popping pain pills pills and crying until he falls asleep you know that that was great Lyle but we're just about out of time all right I see what's going on now this was funnier than yours that's fine cuts like a razor blade huh it hurts but you have to take that pain Dave and you have to turn it into something you have to turn it into love and when you see that you're and when you're ready to see what we have here and when you're ready to see that what we have here is something special I will be waiting I don't think that's gonna happen you fat fat bastard and kiss my ass [Applause] while the intern would be right back and the number one sign your mall Santa Clauses overworked joke to come oh hi can I help you got man vial helps himself wild you're that intern yes I'm that intern on that nothing in turn on that lowly intern solo you mean bother learn my name no I do know your name its Lyle I just said it yeah right I think a colonel buff started over here has been hitting the Manischewitz I've been drinking coffee Lyle doesn't even know my name nice to meet you a mile know can I help you I'll know yes maybe you could help me out a little bit sure anything you need I need you to write me a letter of recommendation okay I'm applying for a job at Conan because this place is death it's a death morgue it's a D morgue all the action is at TBS Jackson right well anything that I can do thanks for stopping by tonight Lyle hey I'm not done yet job Garfunkel just just just just cool off I gotta say tonight's top ten was awful it was so bad but don't worry Lyle is here with the answers what is that I hold in my hand tonight's top ten [Music] tonight's topic top 10 batshit crazy things I've seen working here number 10 a boss that doesn't know my name number 9 stagehands who put broken glass in my boss's coffee yeah I'm talking about you Gary number 8 watching a head here blow every God every every paycheck playing PI gout poker on some website in Trinidad number 7 there's no number 7 two [ __ ] minutes number 6 my man Paul Shaffer he's the wind beneath my wings I didn't have to say that number 5 pudding cups I love those number 4 plastic surgery as year in bonuses number 3 I won't say who it is but someone here makes me shave his back number 2 getting the CBS Orchestra their medicine and the number one most top 10 crazy batshit thing I've seen here sorry a satin lonely man who sits in his office popping pain hild pills and crying till he falls asleep great Lyle but you know what we're just about out of time that I see what's going on that's okay my list is funnier well funnier than yours and the cuts like a razor blade it hurts it hurts deep but you have to take that pain David and you got to turn it into something you have to turn it into love and when you're ready to see that what we have here is something special I will be waiting yeah I don't think that's going to happen then David you kiss my ass you fat fat bastard you Lyle everyone we'll be right back

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 971,188

Rating: 4.8800416 out of 5

Keywords: Late Show with David Letterman, Lyle the Intern, Jimmi Simpson, Joe Grossman, Spencer Pratt

Id: j-FCEQNn3X4

Length: 66min 33sec (3993 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 18 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Stenotic]

This is really good stuff, I had no idea he was on Letterman. I read that Chris Elliot's old appearances back in the day on Late Show were kind of the inspiration for this so I need to remember to check those out.

[u/KaladinStormShat]

Proto-McPoyle

[u/RaginBetch]

Was he the inspiration for Jean-Ralphio?

[u/Dtrout95]

YOU WILL CALL HER!!!

[u/Godzilla52]

I think for next season of Always Sunny they need an episode where Charlie or somebody else in the gang goes into a coma and they imagine they've jumped forward like 20-30 years; and then have Ed Harris play older McPoyle.

[u/[deleted]]

I've cracked bigger nuts than you, bitch.

I lost it.

[u/DerrickRosebud]

Can’t believe he’ll look like Ed Harris in 30 years. Time flies

[u/AmazonGuy16]

Intern -> McPoyle -> star of west world

[u/hoppergym]

It’s Mary.