Life After Divorce: How the Unfaithful Sees It

[Music] hey everybody welcome back you know last week we talked about infidelity and divorce and the challenges faced by the injured spouse so it only seemed appropriate and fair to address the challenges after divorce for those who've been unfaithful and i want to mention a few of the things that i've heard in my practice over the years from unfaithful spouses as they go through or even after they've divorced so the first thing is that divorce didn't solve the problems it only delayed the resolution i hear some form or fashion of that statement frequently and what happens is that frequently the bitterness about the betrayal fuels the injured spouse's anger for months and sometimes for years after the divorce making the divorce recovery even more difficult one guy even told me that the issues of how to deal with our children weren't solved by the divorce rather the kids became even more trapped between the two of us as a result of my ex-wife's anger about my infidelity and divorce and even if nothing is said to the children regarding the betrayal ongoing anger can still cause the children to feel that they are being disloyal when visiting one spouse or the other particularly the unfaithful spouse making amends therefore and doing anything and everything possible to make your injured spouse or ex-spouse heal before and even help them after the divorce is highly encouraged not only for the children but for both of you as well another challenge that i hear about frequently is around financial support while this could be a problem for any divorce it's more complicated for those who have been unfaithful especially if they feel responsible for the divorce as a result of their unfaithfulness they may feel an additional burden to help their mate and if they didn't want the divorce what can happen is that they may even use finances as a way to manipulate their ex into believing that they have changed in in hopes of regaining their ex-spouse's affection or attention or admiration and this can lead to both parties living beyond their means turning life after divorce even into a worse financial crisis than it was before another big challenge for the unfaithful spouse is the relationship with their children it gets really complicated and far too often the children are used as pawns in the struggle that goes on after an affair the injured spouse will threaten to tell the children about the infidelity to get their unfaithful spouse to conform and if that's the case then divorce usually ends up with the children knowing what happened and frequently knowing way too much about what happened and this can cause the children to mirror the injured spouse's hurt for the loss of the family and take on the same feelings of the betrayed that the injured spouse exhibits in these cases forgiveness seems like a really big issue for the children as it is for the injured spouse just further complicating matters and another challenge that i hear probably more than any other thing is something like this is that nothing prepared me for the intense loneliness that i feel that many of our friends remained in support of my spouse as a result of my infidelity i hear this frequently when when divorce isn't related to infidelity the intense loneliness that's on the backside of that with infidelity it's even worse it's one thing to split up assets it's another thing to split up friends or most often friends will choose sides not not intentionally but it just kind of happens that way they gravitate to one partner or to the other and many unfaithful spouses find themselves isolated after the divorce due to the judgment of friends and family it hurts if the marriage doesn't work out but far too often the infidelity factor results in the unfaithful spouse feeling judged and isolated and losing much of the support after the divorce and making amends and making recovery and reconciliation even self-forgiveness that makes it all much more difficult another challenge has to do with guilt i heard one woman say that the divorce didn't take away her feelings of guilt for the infidelity she thought it would because of the distance it would create between she and her ex she said to this day i carry a heavy burden in my heart when i think about the pain that i not only inflicted on my former husband and my friends and my family but primarily on my very own children to have had an affair is the single most selfish thing in the entire world that i have ever done and i wish with all my heart and all my soul that i could go back and change things or wake up to find that it was all a bad dream and instead i must own up to my own deception and selfishness and work towards forgiving myself in the hopes that i somehow enable to deter another from making the worst mistake of his or her own life life after divorce is heavy trust me she said i totally believe that and i see that every day if your spouse doesn't want to work towards reconciliation both parties will have to find peace and forgiveness somewhere else but at the same time they must also be trapped by the bitterness created as a result of the divorce and learning how to receive forgiveness as well as extending forgiveness are major recovery tasks for the unfaithful spouse post-divorce and another big challenge is dealing with anger one man said that i thought my spouse's anger would subside after the divorce but it didn't it just escalated you've heard me say you've heard rick say that the opposite of love isn't hate it's indifference you know love and hate are both passionate emotions and in the best of scenarios when a relationship dies after a divorce both parties can let the relationship go and move on it's like there's this tombstone placed over the relationship this reads rest in peace but when infidelity occurs this isn't the case not only does passion die it actually actually escalates to new heights the attachment wounds created by infidelity can additionally trigger childhood wounds and leave the betrayed spouse struggling with hatred for years to come again making divorce recovery an even greater uphill climb than it could have been otherwise and the last challenge i want to talk about today is this fulfillment of fulfilling life was slower in coming than most people anticipated of those interviewed many said that finding fulfillment after infidelity and divorce was far more difficult than anticipated research from the institute for american value supports this for the unfaithful spouse letting go and moving on can be just as difficult as it is for the injured spouse as one woman put it were i to have known then what i know now about life after divorce and infidelity i would never have been entertained by the thought of being attracted and attached and allured to by another man's affection for i to have fully experienced and felt the magnitude and the depth of pain associated with the betrayal and the destruction of my family beforehand there is absolutely no doubt that i would have given it a second thought divorce is difficult and at times it's unavoidable our hope is that each person is restored and unfortunately that doesn't always mean that the marriage is going to survive it's not fair but recovery requires work on the part of both the injured and the unfaithful spouse and when that doesn't happen divorce frequently does occur my hope is that by listening to those that have been down this road will somehow help you in your own journey in your own recovery and also for the recovery of your marriage that it's gonna take time and it will take work for both parties and for the marriage finding new life requires letting go and finding forgiveness within and for yourself as well as for the one that hurts us for those who are struggling with this problem i would highly recommend finding some support either through a 12-step program or working with a trained therapist along with some infidelity specific process or programs for healing like the ems weekend that affair recovery provides such support is absolutely critical for the long-term healing and the personal restoration you can find all the information about the ems weekend on the affair recovery website under the programs tab know that we at a fair recovery are here to help and support and encourage you and your spouse every step along the way we love hearing from you so until next week i wish you all the best and i'll see you then thanks so much you

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 15,427

Rating: 4.796875 out of 5

Keywords: infidelity, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, betrayal, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: OOPkKcj0-cc

Length: 10min 41sec (641 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 09 2020