Help for the Unfaithful Spouse: Dealing with a Traumatized and Betrayed Spouse

[Music] from time to time I try and do videos that are for one spouse so today I'm doing one just for the unfaithful spouse I hope that you betrayed spouses still get something out of this and in fact I would be willing to bet that lots of you are gonna view betrayed spouses are gonna get something out of this and you're gonna have some things to add to it and you're probably going to have some things to even maybe reiterate for me and I know you kind of I've got your curiosity but if you're an unfaithful I really want to help you not mistake not make the mistakes that I made because if you make some of the mistakes that I made things are gonna get worse not better you are probably gonna damage your mate even more and you're going to find yourself even more confused and uncertain and when we unfaithful spouses feel confused or uncertain we usually make even more stupid decisions and we make things worse not better typically not all of us but typically that's what we do especially early on within the first three to six months of recovery now that I have your curiosity what I want to speak to today is how to help the unfaithful spouse deal with a traumatized betrayed spouse now it's a pretty safe bet that if you are dealing with a betrayed spouse they are traumatized there's different levels of trauma some betrayed spouses are just dealing with a general level of trauma it's traumatizing to be betrayed it's traumatizing to hear or see or discover what your spouse has been doing with someone else it is incredibly traumatizing now some betrayed spouses male and female develop PTSD it's more of a short term PTSD it rocks their world there are some very overpowering emotions and feelings that they struggle with that affect their sleep affect their health affect their communicative patterns it is a very real thing and I'm I promise you there's thousands of you betrayed spouses out there that will attest to the fact that when you first found out or early on within the first couple of months you felt like or you developed PTSD and it's absolutely normal now that doesn't mean that every betrayed spouse has PTSD there are levels of trauma and it's if you're an unfaithful I just want to tell you assume that you're betrayed spouse is traumatized now some betrayed spouses are not dealing with PTSD and not dealing with any kind of high level of trauma but they are traumatized and they're gonna work through it and they're very confident and they're very in touch with their pain when I say confident they are aware of what they're feeling they're in touch with what they're feeling and what they're dealing with and maybe they have a high resolve but they're still traumatized and then there's probably the bigger percentage of betrayed spouses male and female who are traumatized their world has been just shell-shocked they can't sleep they don't eat they don't want to eat they can't really communicate a lot of their pain and for some of you that always kind of pinned me on what what what timeframe is this this is usually from d-day to as much as two to four months that a betrayed spouse is really suffering from the trauma the insomnia health issues and so if you're an unfaithful just understand they're traumatized and here's a couple of undercurrents that if you are an unfaithful I would say this to yourself during the difficult moments I would say this to yourself and the quiet moments when you're by yourself is that number one always own the fact that you have put yourself here I said that to myself every day every day driving to a new job in a new city in a newer automobile in completely new surroundings living in a new apartment with so much uncertainty and so much self-hatred and so much anger at myself but everyday and I was taught by one of my mentors I would say you know what I put myself here I would resist blame I would resist as best I could blaming and just a justification and minimization and anger and hate at so many people and I would simply say you know what I put myself here and it's going to be okay now I come from a background of faith so for me I would say that and I would say I put myself here but you're with 'my god and you're not gonna forsake me and it's gonna be okay if you don't come from faith you may take the approach that says I've put myself here and I'm going to be strong and I'm going to be okay and I'm going to make it and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get healthy it's imperative that you the unfaithful stay out of denial and own the fact that you are where you are because you did what you did the second undercurrent if you will that is vital that you remind yourself of every day is that especially on difficult days that this is just the now this is not forever it's not always gonna hurt this much it's not always gonna feel this hopeless it's not always gonna be this painful but right now it might be it's going to get better the rest of your life and marriage are not going to feel what you're feeling on those terrible overwhelming days so here's a few keys to help you the unfaithful deal with a traumatized spouse number one please understand that any level of inaccurate information that comes out is going to cause your betrayed spouse to spiral and it could be something as simple as this you go to lunch and you have your lunch you tell your spouse yeah I had wings and I had a couple drinks and that was it well you bring the receipt home if you're anything like me you take your receipt you throw it in the center console with your credit card and you move on down the road your spouse gets in the car picks up the receipt and says oh he went to lunch reads the receipt you didn't have wings you had pizza or you had a sandwich and you didn't have a couple of drinks and your spouse reads that I promise you that's going to create in them a level of uncertainty because it's going to say wait a minute why did you say that you ate this and you really ate that what did you eat now if you are an unfaithful you're like what you've got to be kidding me how can this be such a big deal that I said I ate wings but I really ate pizza here's why it's a big deal your spouse is traumatized they have been introduced to a double life or an incredible amount of deception you have not told the truth in whatever length of time that the affair went on for could be months could be years could be decades and so they've just uncovered what appears to be a flat-out lie to them and it's going to cause them to reevaluate everything that you have been saying well if you lied about wings maybe he lied about how long the affair was maybe he lied about this detail that detail there is a huge connection you may say that's ridiculous well it's ridiculous if you don't care about your traumatized spouse it's not ridiculous it is how trauma works and how trauma connects the dots and causes the betrayed spouse to now distrust you have to have a conversation with you and find clarity and it's gonna take them depending upon how early they are in the situation or recovery it's going to take them a couple hours or a couple of days to regroup from this moment all because you kind of gave this offhanded remark or lied about what you ate you see many betrayed spouses in a small faction are constantly worried they're gonna get new information or new bombs are gonna be dropped because new bombs have been dropped periodically so they're kind of always waiting for the new bomb to be dropped at new information so when there is the slightest bit of deception they are triggered it's completely understandable the second thing that you need to be prepared for with traumatized spouses is the fact that they are going to have an intense amount of triggers conservatively betrayed spouses deal with somewhere between 70 and as many as maybe a hundred and twenty different triggers in any given day so that's why you are seeing your betrayed spouse have these incredible mood swings where one minute they're okay and functional the next minute maybe they're bawling or weeping or they're throwing things or they're raging or they're beating something up the fact is it's the triggers that are producing in them a heart rate that causes a fight-or-flight reaction to expect them to just calm down chill out get a handle on it get a grip relax those things are gonna backfire because you're dealing with someone who's traumatized and they are dealing with brain activity triggers every day of what you have done with whatever a fair partner or whatever situation went on there they're being triggered and so you're going to have these moments where they're okay and you think alright we're doing good then there's these moments where they're not okay and they're raging or they're just completely shut down because they're traumatized and so you have to understand that it's completely normal for you to have this thought of okay I don't know what I don't know what's waiting for me at home or I don't know what's waiting for me on this phone call that's going to be the way it is for anywhere from six to as many as maybe 12 or 24 months it should lessen after the first year however if it's after the first year and you've dropped new information new bombs new amounts of information have been disclosed it's not going to lessen it's going to get worse if it's not lessening for a betrayed spouse after about a year and there's not new information and there's not new bombs that have been dropped you betrayed spouse may need to get better help succinct help professional help or trauma care to help those triggers decrease substantially a third thing I want to prepare you on faithful spouses for is that in the mind and in the heart and in the activity of the betrayed spouse is going to be typically a tremendous amount of self-doubt or insecurity they are probably going to be comparing themselves to the affair partner or a fair partners or maybe even the adult entertainment that some of you have taken part of they are going to be comparing themselves to that and it's going to produce in them self doubt some of them is going to produce self hatred or self rejection because they can't measure up and it's very easy for us the unfaithful to get frustrated and think stop comparing yourself stop doubting yourself stop being so critical of yourself I'm sorry I got it I got to stop you and say why do you think they're that way in many ways they're that way because what you have done has caused in them that kind of reaction it happened to Samantha early on it caused her to really have some self-contempt and really struggle with comparison and then she knew she couldn't compare to whatever we were dealing with and so then she started to get angry and then she started to take that anger out on me and it was understandable that she would feel those those things because of my actions that caused such incredible hurt and pain and so as she got expert care she took harboring hope as she also met with Ric and she met with Leslie Hardy she was able to see things in a much clearer way and realized that she was comparing herself unnecessarily and that as we were able to heal the trauma in the pain that she was dealing with she stopped comparing herself constantly because she knew she couldn't compete and she shouldn't compare with a fantasy with escapism how do you compete or compare yourself with a fantasy in an escapist affair you can't it's not real life and so she was able to get healed and realized look I'm comparing myself with this person or that person or whatever when I shouldn't because that was built upon a fantasy it wasn't real life I can love myself I can care for myself I'm not the reason he cheated he samuel cheated because he was unhealthy and dysfunctional and didn't know how to cope with the problems and the inadequacies that he was dealing with in life my fourth point and I'm almost done is one of the best things that you can do as a unfaithful spouse is be patient there's going to be moments where they have reminders and triggers and they're going to be traumatized and life is going to stop the most unhelpful thing that you can do is rush that moment judge that moment be critical at that moment make them feel embarrassed or shame because of the trauma that they're experiencing due to you and so one of the best things that I was able to do and and Rick had to beat me over the head with this as well as one of my mentors was to be patient long-suffering enduring in those moments with them there was triggers when we were trying to be physically intimate there was triggers during certain songs the greatest of moments sometimes could get undercut by the triggers and the reminders and the mood swings and you know what whose fault was that that was mine so when I was able to stop judging and shaming Samantha for that it completely changed the entirety of our recovery now it didn't mean that the triggers went away but I can tell you what it diffused them a whole lot quicker and it made Samantha feel safer far faster than anything else that I was doing so be patient put your seat belt on stop trying to vacate the moment but be in the moment with them remember the definition of compassion is to suffer with so as you're suffering with your spouse you're making them feel safe and you're making them feel whole finally one of the most important mechanisms of recovery is to get expert help if you're dealing with the traumatized spouse general care superficial care isn't going to work you need to get expert care on the website there's harbouring hope there's the EMS weekend there's the EMS online there's the bootcamp find a therapist who is heavily experienced in dealing with infidelity if you're dealing with PTSD one of the best things that you can do is something called EMDR you can google it online it's a fantastic professional system and approach to deal with PTSD military veterans deal with it and utilize the MDR rape victims molestation victims if you're dealing with significant trauma find an EMDR specialist and I think you will find an intense amount of breakthrough and freedom for both of you finally again if you're an unfaithful spouse be patient with your mate give yourself to the process remind yourself that you're here because of your actions that doesn't mean to hate yourself and judge yourself it just means stay present remember why you're here help your mate heal [Music] you

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 103,087

Rating: 4.8862448 out of 5

Keywords: affair, infidelity, trauma, infidelity expert, affair expert, marriage, betrayal, porn, ashley madison hack, cheater, unfaithful, Rick Reynolds, Affair Recovery, Affair Survivor, affairs, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: lUNL_58qKpo

Length: 15min 46sec (946 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 15 2018