Divorce Doesn't Mean Your Marriage Is Over: Life Events Explained

hey everyone I'm Jim Porto if this is your first time joining us here on our channel are seeing this somehow I would encourage you if you haven't already done so to subscribe to this channel we have a lot of resources and information that can help you as you continue in your journey towards either reconciliation or a better relationship in life I want to thank you for watching this one today you know the other day I received a phone call from one of my clients he was extremely distressed and the way he described it to me was Jim I need to talk to you right now this is an emergency well of course as we begin to speak about it and I asked some questions what we found out was just a day or so before his wife had contacted him and told him she was filing for divorce well this is a pretty traumatic event and what I mean by that is I think it would be really understandable that if somebody was to be told that their life spouse is now telling them I'm done or I'm leaving or I am divorcing you that legal matter becomes something that's pretty large as a focus in your life and I think that's pretty pretty pretty typical for a person to be but here's where I think he began to get a little over the edge and what I mean by that is he was having trouble focusing ahead in his vision basically he saw this event as a termination time as a time line in other words when this date happens things are over with well I have coined a phrase here and we just call them life events life events can be pretty much anything I mean it could be a separation it could be a conflict or a conflict to come conflict you just had it might be a moving out it could be a divorce but whatever it is this is an event a place in time where something is about to occur that's going to affect your life in some way now when I looked up the definition for an event because I kind of want to see what what does Webster's say because you know it's not true unless you define it on Facebook or in Webster's dictionary here's how Webster described it he said the fundamental entity of observing physical reality represented by a point designated by three coordinates of place one at a time space time continuum populated by relativity did that's so complicated to you because I'm just a southern boy I don't get that if I was gonna put that in gym terms he goes like this an event is something that is happening something that's happening and it may be notable or remarkable it may be something you want to pay attention to but you want to recognize that this is a particular thing happening at a particular time not necessarily a diagnosis in life think about that for a minute because if we're not careful we begin to complicate the definition of something that's very simple by our actions and our thoughts instead of just taking a look at it for what it is so if you think about what you're facing today no matter what it is and you begin to reframe it as an event you have a better potential of not doing things that will kind of throw you off course towards where you want to be in your vision and that's what this is really about so if something's gonna happen I don't know what it is you fill in the blank there here's what I want to encourage you to do learn to encourage learn to rather encourage your mind or think to yourself this is the way I need to go this is how I need to think don't let the event dictate how you feel rather you lead your thoughts towards it he said well Jim why would that be important and by the way that's a great question the reason that would be important is because if we're not careful we'll begin to obsess because of the timing that's coming on something here's the bottom line the more you think about something that means you dwell on it ponder it look up and read information on it it becomes somewhat of an obsession and that will usually present two specific challenges the first challenge has to do with timing see the more we think about something it becomes our rather gathers a greater influence in our mind so if I'm thinking about something a lot no matter what it is I have a bill do I have to get an exam for my physical whatever if we begin to think too much about those things it begins to occupy our thoughts and all of a sudden I've got to take care of it now it's not just urgent or it's not something I need to do but rather it becomes an emergency well the problem with that is when something becomes an emergent we may not take the time to think through what is the probable result of what I'm about to do in action or behavior and that's problematic because now we're reacting to things we want to be really careful about reacting and do everything we can to respond to things that are coming our way especially if we can recognize them as an event and not a termination or into something so we have to be careful if you're thinking a lot through our about something and that becomes an obsession it will have a tendency to influence you towards immediate action I mean if it's an emergency you've got to do something right and so that means I'll send that text or I'll make that phone call write that email or file or whatever why this is so important I've got to do it now I've seen people use this thought process when they're gonna meet with a spouse they're in conflict and as they go to meet with them they feel like this time I'm going to meet I've got to tell them everything I feel go over everything I'm thinking so that they know where I stand and off times I'll ask that client of mine I'll say well let me ask you a question is this the last time you think you're gonna see that person well across the board everybody says no then my response is well if this isn't the last time you're going to see that person why are you treating it that way because if you think it's the last time you're going to see them if someone's on their deathbed you're gonna say whatever you can to get them to behave or move differently because you're not going to get another chance and that really is a lack of vision vision looks ahead and says this for my relationship it may be in a bad place right now but I'm gonna think past that event I'm gonna pee it maybe it's a divorce I'm gonna think past that divorce because even though it may be final legally until we're both dead it's not over with so what's really cool about that as you begin to reframe your mind you're gonna be less likely to send out something or say something because you are anxious or have an eye high anxiety for thinking about it you're less likely to say something or think about something or do something that will hinder the possible reconciliation afterwards so you want to be careful about obsessing because it'll produce that urgency the second thing that it does is it produces a fantasy and regards to the condition state or placement of that relationship here's what I know about people we don't know everything I can tell you I don't I promise you you don't either either and no matter what kind of research you've done or things like that the more you think about your particular relationship they're gonna be places throughout it where there's a space and time you don't know what happened what they did you don't know what they're thinking and so when that comes to us we're pretty uncomfortable with the fact of you know what I'm not good with just going I don't know that I need to fill that in with something so we'll begin to read or look or think even more well here's what I know about the human mind you and I will think somewhere between 50 and 70 thousand thoughts this day now I know that's a lot of thoughts it makes me tired just thinking about it but but in those 50 to 70 thousand thoughts the typical human will think negatively seven out of ten of those thoughts that means you are seven times more likely to say put insert something negative into that which you do not know the answer to then to put something positive so you're thinking about this this this relationship you're thinking about the event that's coming your way and because you're obsessing over it and you're getting to things you don't know what they're gonna do what they're gonna say whatever you begin to fill that in and when you fill that in it becomes your narrative or the new vision for that relationship and that's problematic because if we fill it in with something negative we're probably going to start thinking about it more and then the more we think about it it's going to feel like more of an emergency instead of something being urgent or something I can do later and it becomes this vicious dance of poor behavioral interaction in a relationship that's already filled with conflict what I would encourage you to do is get a hold of how you think resist looking at events in your relationship no matter what they are as termination or points in time in which a decision must be made it's okay to step away from a discussion and say you know what I don't know the answer to that let me think about it it's okay to say I'm uncomfortable with that let me get some advice that will serve you a whole lot better than stepping out and making a decision that is ill-informed or emotional I want you to have a good relationship I want you to move on the best path possible towards reconciliation and and if you do these other things you make events emergencies or events this huge thing you're more likely to kind of mess that up and get a little off track so I want to encourage you to do everything you can to get your mind in a place that you're leading your thoughts and they're not leading you in regards to your emotion we do a lot of help with that here at marriage helper now there's a number of ways that we can help you with this number one is we have many online resources like this video but also we have some different courses online that you can take at your own pace to help you make better decisions towards your future I I call this in my life living forward instead of living in that moment of despair and there's some great things online the second thing we have for you is we have 10 coaches that work with us all over the country and we just picked up one in in Israel and these coaches are able to speak to you help you in regards to processing these thoughts that are coming in so that you're framing them well looking at them and making the best decision possible for your relationship the advantage of our coaches over many other organizations or family or friends is our coaches are specifically trained on the methods we have here at marriage helper and they're trained for your relationship your marriage to be the client we want to help you be the best version of you so you can have a positive emotional connection inside of your relationship the third area that we can help is what we call our turnaround weekend or our 9-1-1 weekend these happen twice a month and uh people from all over the world come in for those it is by far the best possible resource and influence in order to get a couple on the right path although many come there and have no hope even some come after they're divorced sidenote which is why I still look at divorce as an event they come and they here they learn they discover and our success rate right now and that weekend for couples reconciling 77% that's amazingly high when you think even behind that we have couples that are there over 60% that are currently involved with someone other than their spouse so how do you even get access to them well one you can go online and visit us at wwlp.com wwlp.com and you can check out our resources there or if you'd like to give us a call we have some normal business hours by the way but if you'd like to give us a call give us a call toll free at [Music] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Marriage Helper

Views: 49,085

Rating: 4.9170303 out of 5

Keywords: divorce, limerence, affair, separation, marriage helper, marriage advice, marriage tips, marriage counseling, marriage coaching, save my marriage, dr joe beam, kimberly holmes, stop divorce, my husband wants a divorce, my wife wants a divorce, my husband wants out, my wife wants out, should we divorce, should i agree to divorce, is divorce the end of our marriage, how to save my marriage from divorce, prevent divorce, how to stop my divorce, jim pourteau

Id: jUMKW73obUQ

Length: 12min 23sec (743 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 30 2020