Kingsmen explained by an idiot (censored)

welcome to kingsman the Secret Service alright after some [ __ ] colorblind people logo we open up with some spy people doing some spy [ __ ] somewhere in the Middle East and one of them spy people jumps on a live grenade and protects everybody in the room hooray he's a hero but he's also dead so jump over to England we got one of them spy people that was in the room that got saved by this dude and he's over by this dude's wife and he gives her a medallion that's like a get out of jail free card because he feels bad and partly responsible for that to die she's like [ __ ] you I don't want your charity so he just gives a medallion to her son and 17 years later we got another spy dude doing some other spy [ __ ] in snowy Argentina then he gets sliced in half by this evil hope and I just want you to listen to this that is the sound of her walking around moving and doing [ __ ] all right so how the [ __ ] does he not hear her moving around with her [ __ ] sword feet that go clickety-clackly whatever the [ __ ] she goes huh and she opens the door for the main bad guy who pukes at the sight of blood he's a [ __ ] now cut back to the kingsman and they just found out that one of their agents died so they warn him by drinking some scotch and then they begin the process of finding a new replacement for him so H Kingsman is supposedly going to go out and find the candidate or yeah a candidate to take his place now remember the kid that got the get out of jail free card from Harry boom he's all going up now and his name is eggsy that's right exy I'm sure no one will ever make fun of that name ever and his mom is married to this prick I guess so he goes to hang with his friends and steals this car [ __ ] with it a bit and gets into a spot of butter with the Roses then bam brainwave I'm gonna use the get out of jail free guard and he gets out of jail duh and here's the one that got him out so he meets him and they have a chat in the pub of her how and why ex's life went so bad since he was going to be a Meridian he was super athletic very smart and blah blah okay and then the cuts that eggs he stole the car from coming and they want to whoop X's ass but Harry whips out the reverse card and whoops the asses and by the way if that thing is shot hard enough to make him do a backflip it shouldn't actually make him do a backflip and would either tear his [ __ ] head clean off or Pierce a hole through his skull just saying this dude's not stunned he's dead dude's [ __ ] dead anyway I guess he goes home when he starts getting beat up by step dad I'm not really sure if he's really a stepdad and I don't think they're married yet but yeah I don't care really he [ __ ] his mom he's a [ __ ] Okay [ __ ] is beating the [ __ ] out of him because he wants to know who beat the [ __ ] out of his gang or boys or whatever in the pub but eggs he's like no I won't tell you so Harry scares the [ __ ] using some speakers and [ __ ] telling him he knows stuff and he can [ __ ] get him locked up with some Channel and he tells exit to get to a tailor shop named Kingsman somewhere in London so eggs escapes using some sweet sweet parkour makes it to the thrill shop and bada bing bada boom Harry's there and it's a super secret spy location so they go into a changing room I use an elevator type thing to go down then they get into a dupe come out the tube and a super secret spy head coach orders and eggsy is Harry's candidate for the dead dude spot and this is like a job offer type deal so X is about to go into a training course or testing phase whatever along with a bunch of other high class Paul schwankas Wall hate and make fun of exit except for this [ __ ] and whoever passes all the tests and doesn't get eliminated in a single one gets to be the dude's replacement cool beans cool beans now cut to the evil guy having a meeting with Obama now cut back to the candidates and they're getting their first test which I like to call drown them [ __ ] so most of them go and breathe toilet air but eggs is like oh [ __ ] that [ __ ] and then he [ __ ] breaks two-way glass and fixes the water issue now cut to Harry and he's interrogating the dude that was supposedly kidnapped by the evil guide now the other Kingsman agent died trying to save but while interrogating him the dude's head blows up and Harry escapes and ends up in a coma because of the explosion how I don't know he's seen fine after but I do know that the evil guy had put a chip in the guy's neck and remotely blew his head up because he thought he was gonna snitch and snitches get stitches how this chip head blowy upy [ __ ] works I don't know it's another case of the movie Signs Now back to the candidates and they all get their very own dog and they also get a bunch of tests some of them get eliminated Harry season a coma evil guy Prince a bunch of evil SIM cards Harry's still in a coma and goes appeared the Posh comes [ __ ] with eggsy and his dog well they [ __ ] drenched the [ __ ] dog what a cut hair wakes up and the evil guy has a meeting with the Swedish Princess and the Swedish prime minister and he explains to them his evil plan and the Swedish prime minister is all on board for it but the princess is nogo so he kills her guards and traps her along with a bunch of other celebrities that doesn't like his [ __ ] plan but are big influencers and like [ __ ] with this uh plan here then the candidates jump out of a plane as a test and they're told mid-air that one of them doesn't have a parachute and after a butt clenching moment they'll make it that they're alive but three of them are eliminated and X is like oi Wang cow well you have to take the [ __ ] parachute away from me then the ball guy AKA Merlin dopamine by the way is like everyone have parachutes [ __ ] [Laughter] Harry goes undercover into a meeting with the evil guy to gather some more Intel okay seriously how the [ __ ] does this [ __ ] sneak up on him I still don't get it they have some McDonald's evil guy finds out that hair is a spy and he puts a Tracker in his [ __ ] drink and gives out a bunch of free SIM cards to the entire planet then the last three candidates get another test I want to stop referring to them as candidates from now on I'm gonna call them [ __ ] and exit I don't know why I mentioned Angie again I already said his name a bunch of times but whatever moving on so their loyalty to kingsman gets tested and eggsy and the [ __ ] pass with flying colors but the cut fails miserably then Harry takes Izzy to make a bespoke Kingsman bulletproof suit but fitting room one is taken and one does not utilize fitting room two when one is losing his suit making virginity so while they wait for the dude Infinity War one to finish they go and check out some guns and cool spy [ __ ] in a secret room behind fitting room three so you mean to tell me that no one in the history of this shop ever being opened and Kingsman being a thing has ever used fitting room 3 and put their coat on the leftmost hanger accidentally opening this secret room [ __ ] anyway he shows him some cool Tech like this shoe that has life that pops out when you click your heels together and apparently it's coated with one of the most poisonous substances known to men and once again you're telling me that no Kingsman agent has ever like walked funny or tripped and accidentally clicked his heels and [ __ ] cut himself a small cut and killed himself that has never happened [ __ ] never mind the dude defeating room one turns out to be the evil guy so Harry tracks him and the [ __ ] and XD are told to shoot their dog as a test of how good they can follow orders exit doesn't do it but the [ __ ] apparently has no soul and does and she gets the job then Harry's like [ __ ] you couldn't shoot a dog I shot mine you shot your dog it was a blank [ __ ] then Harry suddenly gets some Intel that the evil guy will be at a racist homophobic anti-fucking everything all bad no good church in Kentucky somewhere so he tells exit to stay put and he goes over to the church in Kentucky and doesn't seem to find the evil guy anywhere so he tries to leave but then he decides to [ __ ] him kill half of the church on his own while the rest of the church kills each other okay in the most spectacular and [ __ ] fascinating fight sequence ever [ __ ] watch that [ __ ] turns out evil guy was nearby and he turned it up and made all the phones that have his SIM card in it he made this radio frequency I guess that makes everyone within range violent as [ __ ] and want to kill each other and he plans to do this to the entire planet so he can Whittle down the population of the Earth because he's basically trying to Thanos and all the world leaders in power for people influences and [ __ ] that he met he explained his plan to them and if they didn't agree with him he imprisoned them and if they did he would be like okay dope and put a [ __ ] chip in the neck I would make them impervious or immune to the radio frequency and also get him the ability to [ __ ] blow their head up so bad right only felt a thing so after explaining all this to Harry he shoots him in the head and then exit goes to [ __ ] Alfred here I don't know I guess he's like the lead spy or something or the head spy I don't know he just sits at the end of the table I guess that means he's important so Alfie's like hey let's drink some alcohol to honor the death of Harry so they do that and actually finds out that Alfred is on the evil guy's side and Alpha tries to poison exy but eggsy pulls the old switch through on him and Alfred is the one that ends up drinking the poison which is all cool and all but when did Alfred poison his drink this pen secretes the poison and this switch activates the poison I did not see him put no [ __ ] poison and no [ __ ] cup that's [ __ ] whatever Alfred gets [ __ ] then Legacy pulls out the chip that's enough its neck and gives it to Merlin so they find the evil guy's Hideout and they go over there and they come for the plan to stop him and how close does the plane have to be before this thing fires because it seems pretty [ __ ] close to me here if it blows up at this distance it will probably [ __ ] crash into the mountain and destroy the entrance this thing is [ __ ] useless anyways [ __ ] also uses two giant helium testicles to get to the edge of atmosphere and [ __ ] blow up one of the old guy satellites so we'll kind of [ __ ] with those plans a bit and exit goes in there and access his [ __ ] Network or some [ __ ] I don't know and he finds the [ __ ] punches him out and then escapes well not being shot in the head by any other guards next to the player and then evil guy just brings in another satellite and fixes the issue so their plan didn't work and just slowed him down so eggs he needs to go back in there and kill him he runs back in there and immediately gets overbought by guards who do not shoot for the head again and so does Merlin they pull in this useless [ __ ] thing and pointed at him God at least back up a bit aren't you a little bit close to the explosion radius or some [ __ ] I mean it's already a terrible idea to [ __ ] shoot that thing indoors so are these guards are [ __ ] [ __ ] but then Merlin activates all the neck chips and blows up all the rich people's heads and the guards heads and it's spectacular but the evil gun is basically putting no such chips in their head because they're smarter than that and he starts the signal and the world starts going to [ __ ] so exy has to rush in there and [ __ ] kill him but the evil guy's [ __ ] jumps down to protect him and she fights XZ in a breakdance flight and it ends in an abnormally High a slow-mo Kung Fu jump where eggsy cuts her with a small poison foot knife and she turns into a lizard and [ __ ] dies then next he takes a sweet ass time to kill the evil guy sure was a nice throw and all but the world's going to [ __ ] and you're standing here looking cool what the [ __ ] [ __ ] kill him already doesn't matter evil guy throws up and dies eggs he [ __ ] a princess and then he beats up his stepdad this movie gets a nice cool egg out of egg oh foreign [Music]

Channel: Extra high

Views: 2,635,160

Keywords: high boi, kingsmen, explained, funny, haha

Id: Tl_mOeWi3hs

Length: 10min 4sec (604 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 07 2022