Kevin Hart's Disastrous Comedy Show | Try Not To Laugh Marathon | The Graham Norton Show

wasn't born in Hawaii he lived there in San Francisco but I did a lot of my growing up there so yeah so it was it was amazing I don't know I don't think no he told me [Laughter] for years I've always said well when we were there you gave me a big speech like this is my land I started [Music] now all of a sudden San Fran I was San Fran then I transferred he gave me a very like spiritual speech about how it all started this is a cliff where I was born this is the problem you'll try to be respectful Hawaii was beautiful beautiful uh you know Mountainside and lushness and and we shot in this beautiful place called kualoa Ranch where uh Jurassic Park the original Jurassic Park was shot and the ones after that as well and it was just amazing but you didn't he hated it no no this is the problem I didn't like it at all I mean outside of the the spiritual grounds that you took me to and I swore you even sung a song we'll talk about it later you were like proper Olympic medals wow Marion have you seen an Olympics I actually did yeah or was it French people beat you oh the French got gold is there anyone in Ireland who hasn't seen those medals they look like being around the block those medals they're fairly tackled yeah and of course as um Michael down in Killarney word must have reached you of the adult oh for sure I mean I wasn't in Killarney at the time but uh everybody knew about it that's for sure yeah yeah and Marion watching that clip on that could you understand the accents nothing not a word I understood since [Laughter] [Laughter] the people people loved the interviews you did at during the Olympics but like you guys knew you were being funny while you were doing the interface I don't know I think it's funny because they were being themselves yeah well to be fair we weren't true yeah and just yeah you just trying to happen that way like you did seem very happy to be in Rio I was quite serious about the whole situation at all every time we talked it's the truth like yeah I'm saying like people ask us these questions all the time after race as it just so happened they put a camera in front of us in real you want a silver medal so suddenly everyone was interested but this is but the great thing is this is like Ireland has never won any medal in rowing before have they well not Olympics no they have a few world championship titles all right what is the first Olympic medal yeah and the interview where you talked about your approach to the race uh the phrases you used in that so explain to people what you what you said in that do you know about going A to B faster you can yeah yeah this is a fairly simple sport like it too complicated life your man says [Laughter] this is based on your life I mean this is things yeah but I mean Loosely Graham you know when things like isn't the washing machine that happened to you what the the washing you were very hungover oh tell Jody Foster that story all those stories are really cool though Graham when I was teaching this is what this show is based on I I went home one weekend and I was in my 30s I was probably 33 years of age I went home to see my mother and then I went back and while I was at home my mother did my washing for me because I was only 33. back on the on the Sunday night I got really drunk uh and then I went for a curry and then the next day I went into school I'm gonna I went into school and it was a school in Slough and it was quite a rough school but they had a really brilliant hearing impaired department so they were hearing impaired kids who uh you know struggled they were they were really looked after in the school anyway I was really hungover I went there and about break time I felt really uncomfortable I thought something's not right you know so I went to the toilet and I pulled my trousers down and some of my mother's knickers have got I got mixed up in the washing and I was wearing my mother's underwear and I went oh God no oh I remember going are you loser this is such a low point you [ __ ] loser and then the curry and the boot the curry and the booze kicked in from the night before so I I did like a fecal Jackson Pollock laughs and I started I started going oh God not this not this as well oh Jesus so I cleaned myself up and I pulled my mother's pants back up and I went back into the um classroom and I saw one of the hearing impact kids just looking at me like this and that's when I remembered that my I had a microphone directly there it is a lot of youngsters they you know they Revere you so they they look to you the other thing you inspire is Impressions people doing impressions now when people do impressions of you is it like sort of nails on a chalkboard or do you kind of enjoy it no I I kind of enjoy it especially if they do it well uh so no I I it's great it's I love it I only asked no because because of Any hiddlestone is watching will know uh Tom Hiddleston does impressive you do right pressure so who's in your Cannon it's a it's a expression of admiration just to be clear um so I do I do uh impressions of people that I I admire and I sort of listen to them I get the first time I did an impression um that anyone was aware of I was just telling a story about midnight in Paris the Woody Allen film I was in and how I never read the whole script and I and I thought it was set in the 20s and um I turned up and I bombed his own Wilson who didn't look like he was in the 20s at all and uh and I said to him I said so wait hang on who are you playing because I'm playing F Scott Fitzgerald and I know Corey stalls playing Ernest Hemingway and we're all playing figures of history and he went oh no no no no no no I'm from now I go back machine you know it's kind of cool and it's kind of Woody and you just kind of it's kind of Awesome [Applause] I've been made to do impressions of my fellow Avengers um uh I think everyone does an impression of Christopher Walken because he's just he's such an easy kind of you know I feel like what this show needs is more cowbell depends on what you like me to say basically there's no punctuation anything that comes out of my mouth I like that I know whole pages of heat you surprised me so I there's this there's a scene in the middle of the film which you'll be familiar with you were there the one person you don't need to explain it he remembers in the middle of the film which is because because Al Pacino and Robert De Niro who's that I'm sorry buddy they're separated like a great Thriller they're separated from for the entire film and they meet twice once at the end or once in the middle and it takes place at a restaurant La it's a great scene it's one of the great pieces of screen acting you can hope to watch there it is it says a picture of it it's like a it's a mutual recognition of each other anyway so there's a bit where they have like they sit and have coffee and have tea and talk about stuff I'm going on I apologize anyway so Al Pacino at one point Al Pacino says this he goes uh so [Laughter] we're sitting here like a couple of regular fellas I mean uh you do what you do I do what I gotta do if I'm there I'm not gonna put you away I won't like it but if it's between you and some poor bastard whose wife are gonna turn into a widow brother you are going down and then all right and then until then and then it cut and then Michael Mann Cuts back to the esteemed gentleman at the end of the sofa laughs what if you do got me boxed in I'm not gonna put you down moving face to face yeah but I will not hesitate not for a second that's my this is so this is So Meta I feel like I've gone into a parallel universe where um yeah my favorite scene that was written before not because of doing it but just my favorite scene written in the film you know that that's a great piece of rice yeah it feels like it plays in Two in two singles in a way like yeah yeah and it's it's like the most beautiful game of tennis did you each do lots of takes would you do lots of taxes yeah that many take screen there I don't think we did more than five to eight or nine at the moment maybe maybe less they talk about your dreams and you talk about your life it's so good it's so great there's a bit another bit where you go we know you said you said sir he says uh Pacino says so you never wanted a regular type of life and and uh Bob may I call you Bob Bob says um what's that barbecues and ball games I'm gonna kill you obviously your mother loves you because you're her daughter but she is actually a sort of a fan as well you know it's not he's not quite that it's um no she is oh goodness right so my uh uh one day my mum came to set on the Star Wars set uh and I was getting this thing called cyber scans which is where you stand in this kind of loads of cameras and they kind of take your form and put you into a computer and make a toy or a some sort of merchandise or your face on a cushion um and so I go off and do this and I come back and mum's like I've made a great friend and I'm like brilliant it's lovely excellent and uh she's likes the merchandise you know director of all of Star Wars or something I'm like what else are you very impressive um and then before I know it what comes in the post um is loads of cushions my face on it my own mom would guess she gets to see it a fair amount you know but apparently it's not enough so yeah kind of Blown Away how much merchandise there is yes it's just the beginning it was like the pre-merchandise not even the real stuff is out yet and my mum has all of it and it doesn't know about the dog yet so this is so weird I don't know is this in your flat or her house right okay so basically she thought it'd be really funny if I came home and it was everywhere in my room okay so this is this is this is Amelia's actual bedroom joke and then and then oh and then oh my goodness we found the photo but it's not like that now there is another reason why I'm saying take a first date back to that yeah come on in I'm just doing this little thing one I don't have a CV I just have a bedroom oh this is cool though so your mother a big fan but Brad Pitt's also a great big fan that was the best night of my life yes tell the story quickly yeah sheets slippers uh no yeah there was this auction thing that happened and um I don't they called me and said would you you know do you want to do you want to um auction something off like maybe sort of an experience watching the show with you or something and I was like okay if it's lovely it's great for charity yeah it'll be for some you know some something yeah and it'll be fine anyway so I get there and it's amazing it'll be a good thing um I get there and it's basically like this it's basically it's the Oscars like there's so many celebrities in this room and I suddenly remember that I said that I would auction something off and so the fear grows so I was petrified absolutely petrified and then um the person whose table I was on is a friend and he was being very kind and kind of put the paddle up and I was like thanks very much that's very sweet there will be that and then someone else's paddle up went up across the other side of the room and I didn't really know and then suddenly it was sort of becoming a a bit of money and I was kind of thinking oh she's absolutely mental and someone went into Brad Pitt and I was like LOL I'm gonna look over to the room and he's got his paddle up Brad's paddle no it's not quite well it didn't work out because the person whose friend who's was my friend I think it's probably all set up the person who's who was my friend ended up you know doing the highest bid but um can you look at a cartoon and come up with a voice well like with Happy Feet I I got to be like I played two different characters initially three but then there were that the one voice sounded too familiar but when I got to play an Argentinian penguin penguin you know the guys the Argentinian guys are going what do you do you know you wanted you looking at you know you want to look at it don't be afraid of the flippers I brought you some Pebbles there's some bling baby you want some bling you know you do yes you're hot and you know I got a beak that'll make you feel so good and then you had like all the crazier ones you know talking about animation uh we got people on our audience uh to draw cartoons of themselves now I'm sensing I'm something self-esteem issues now oh no now God forbid when I asked to see this woman in the audience but she looks like this I am not you better not put that up on a camera I will be on you like [ __ ] on Velcro oh yeah false fingers crossed fingers crossed okay show the picture this is the lady that her name is Jane Hayes Jane Hayes now let's have a look at Jane In the Flesh Jane Jane you're beautiful change Jane you're not a gay black basketball player spare thought for Sally Jenkins and I think her husband look at Sally oh with your funny little Terrier ears look at you oh and for some reason you've drawn a penis on your own face why is she done that she's done a penis with two tiny balls those that I don't know there's two upside down Bells [Music] is that your husband David that's you yeah and are you are you naked as well yeah what's up strange line yeah but more importantly what's peeking out here those are two balls going I'm down here and why did you have an accordion for now yes yes we were drunk who else have I got oh actually see this woman uh Stephanie Jack where's Stephanie Jack hello Stephanie Jack there's Stephanie Jack In the Flesh and here she's in the cartoon [Applause] thank you DC a great Japanese anime character needs to teach a lot to come to your house do you have a big eyes to come to your house with the larger breasts open the door with her nipples Mr bouncing breast follow the bouncing breasts wow that's kind of one can I have this one yes you can been on the road for a while why were you having the was it a deep tissue massage you were having where are you going with this queen aren't you having a Turkish massage or something I don't know what it has to do with what we're talking about it's a funny story tell it I had an awful experience having a Turkish massage where this guy's idea of massage was to like take my one leg and and the other arm and try and connect it behind my back and I was kind of like you know like that and then I well his belly went in my mouth and you know when you get something weird in your mouth and you're like if you're eating something you go like you send your brain sends your tongue to figure out what it is that a bone figure that out the tongue goes in to figure it out my tongue was like what is that it's a hairy belly sounds like you're heading off a newspaper now Emilia Clarke did you get to chat with everyone backstage um yeah kind of did you get to talk to him yeah [Music] actually blushing um yeah I just think you're Wicked it's gave me two hours baby in the corner are you returning the favor do you watch Game of Thrones Matt I've watched the first season and then I kind of fell out of it and I tried to watch it this year and I don't know what's going on there's lots of stuff going on so much going on there is there really is seen the good you've seen the good bits you've seen the first season [Music] what is it it's season six now and it's bigger than ever yeah whose life is that it seriously sounds like a chicken's going to stop because I thought there was a mechanical fault with something human being oh is it that man there all right well I'm glad you're having a nice time request from you though um so would you would you be able to ask me how I'm doing [Applause] hey you'll be gonna say no no yes uh well since I you know haven't been up up to speed on the show thank you yeah how are you doing yeah there's some scenes where they will play music maybe a bit of if it's a wide shot and it's not like so it's the closest we get to sort of kind of sort of just sort of going for it in one piece um and they'll play music or something and my temptation is always just to try to make Dakota laugh so sometimes I'll do things like when there's a moment where I'm meant to you know orgasm I'll be like [Laughter] a flight lands [Laughter] people travel you know they collect things postcards dolls and National dress but you you collect animals like like living animals collect them I rescue them oh okay so did you rescue anything when you were in Sicilian Tuscany not in that one but in the movie I did right after in Bulgaria I I did okay and I had I had promised my husband I was gonna stop because at the time I had 10 dogs five parrots I had alpacas horses cats and by the way one without a tail the other one without a leg you know and they always they find me they come to me these animals which he doesn't believe me but they do and I promise him no more okay we were up to 30 animals I I swore no more and and I was there and a little puppy who was abandoned and was gonna die I won't tell you the sad story because it's a comedic show and I'll start crying he came to me and I couldn't help and I picked him up and his name is Ochoa after the the goalie of the soccer team in Mexico it was the World Cup and I took him and then I was terrified how am I going to explain this to my husband I promised I promise and um so I came up with this brilliant idea to pretend that I was having an affair no no with somebody to make him think I was having Affair and at the end I would say no it's not an affair I picked up a dog and then he would feel better so I left him a message you must call me at this time we need to talk it's very important and I never do that and this time is okay what happened what happened and I said listen I feel so terrible I don't know how to say this to you and I know this is not not going to go down well and I'm really nervous and please have mercy on me he has have space and be understanding it's just it's been so stressful and I'm so tired and I was so lonely here for so many days and you know you do crazy things when you're in this stage and you said to me oh please don't tell me you picked up another dog okay one of the things you can do is you can conjure up people's fears yes okay yes so you you're afraid of quite basic things I'm afraid of like most things like anything high risk I'm terrified of but those are rational things okay irrational is like spiders because but they actually um I become paralyzed when I when I have a spider in my room really yeah I like wish I were tougher than that but I'm not okay now walk or flow were you serious when you told us what your fear is I mean it is it's a good fear it's I think it's a founded fear I think it's a founded fear it is tell us what it is um I have a phobia of being chased around with poop on a stick [Laughter] I'd say we've all got that fear there's another one that goes not up for that it started when I was a kid it was just weird parenting for some reason kids thought it was funny to stick a stick in dog poop and Chase each other around with it but that scared the crap out of me because of the cleanliness problem of it no spreading terms [Laughter] Jeremy Rana though yours is brilliantly specific and I think without knowing it I think we probably all share it we may I don't know I I didn't have the the fear when I was younger because we've all we all go through this but it's when a little child and I'm the oldest of seven kids and I got a lot of little Rugrats running around and they these little roaches start losing their teeth and they get a little Wiggly and they like to show me like this little dagger flipping in and out of their mouth and like look everybody want to pull this thing out I'm like get out of here you're freaking me out it's like her thumb it's just it's just again you know it just really kind of grosses me out the cutest little thing on the planet starts to do like the creepiest thing in the planet and I'm like get out of here it's like here tie the string to my thing to the doorknob like get out of here creep animals that's now little ones running around flipping their little fake their teeth falling out look we all have this you know when you have the dreams your teeth pull out I don't know what it means anybody what it means we get bigger ones am I the only one a friend of mine just had that dream too yeah not me what does that mean I don't know share of money I think I think that's what they do who has fear of money maybe I'm just afraid of my teeth [ __ ] falling out [Applause] well I was gonna go with flying but I think I'll go with um girls over 12. [Applause] 00 [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] I don't know what came over here the last minute of my life I wouldn't have predicted that was it Mark Ruffalo you're not going to believe what he said to me he was bang on the money very perceptive man it was the Dora poem don't try and justify it do you know what I've always hated the hulky [ __ ] angry I my son said that to me the other day when he was mad at me what you would like him I always hated the Hulk I think he's [ __ ] here's the thing uh Emma for you what is the hold that the Spice Girls have over you is this real yes it's real and I just feel like I've been talking more about the Spice Girls on this press tour than I have about the movie I know I went I really did but but Mel B and what she really talking to you was it a message no it was a video message on an iPad and that made you cry yes were you jet lag [Applause] you do understand because we're in the UK I was I was a fiend I was obsessed with the Spice Girls and they taught me about girl power and I love them I think they're fantastic and I'm what's the song there's so many Jamie there's so many things spice up your life every morning yay there's so many and they're so fantastic and today on the radio um Mel C talked to me over Skype oh wow so it's really very exciting okay who would you say is your favorite Spice Girl Emma Bunton Baby Spice she's your favorite she's my favorite who's next to that just a question all of the other four so Emma Bunton well Emma Bunton was the one that I had blonde hair and bangs and my name obviously is now Emma my name was Emily but it was taken when I became an actor um and so now it's Emma and uh yeah I just I love so give me this so so you one gave you a video message and want to talk to you on Skype yes but you're telling me you've never met are you gonna do something have you never said are you gonna do something really have you never met a spice girl I'm wait hold on I have to mentally prepare myself have you never met a Spice Girl not in the flash okay now as you know as you know as you know Emma it is very rare it is very rare for more than one Spice Girl to appear together for any reason at all so they're not here [Applause] age sucks have you got a face but it is because America is really so youth obsessed I mean how and in the film you show you know kind of that it is hard for a woman of your age to get the job it's beyond difficult the only jobs really left now for women unless they get friendly with people to do films but the only jobs that are really commercials I just thank God my I made my yearly nut this year on a product called girly which is for dry vagina and it's uh well anyone knows the Heartbreak of dry vagina [Applause] Christmas [Applause] I was perfect for it candles follow me home thank you [Applause] three Jewish men are trying to rent my uterus instead of going to Miami but and this thank God for these commercials there's one called an uh Zestra is that come here yet women's Viagra has that happened here yet it's women's Viagra and they have this big discussion with me should they make it in pill form this is honest to God truth it was in the newspapers pill form or cream because they didn't know which would do better and they find a side of these idiots will do it in cream because if it's in pill form in a bar a man can drop it in a woman's drink and she won't know it but if you're in a bar and a guy goes so where are you from foreign [Applause] just here by the way you guys do know each other outside of being back there on a sofa I know John and I don't know Steve I see them on the Telly you know that's not real I know I know and now it is Jubilee weekend uh do you plans anybody got plans I uh I didn't realize it was Jubilee weekend but when I got here I got in town a couple days ago and was invited uh I guess to sit next to the queen um on the boat that's amazing I'm not gonna do it he has been invited on the boat I'm really confused now you're on the boat no well no did you lie to him as well lie to me as well yes John it's a great story it really is I didn't even know there was going to be a boat and these two were thinking do they not no it's just another thing you don't have in common with the queen yeah Charlize Theron delighted you're here for all sorts of reasons I'm so happy to be I'm a huge fan thank you [Applause] let's see in episode one The Doctors thing yeah did that really happen yeah my mum will kill me for telling this because it was my uh uh our family doctors and I he'd been our family my doctor since I was a child and but I went as an adult because I was there was something wrong with my bum why when you said bum you looked at me directly in the eyes stand on nerves there was something but there was something wrong with my bun [Laughter] and I was a I said there's this thing wrong with my bum and he went okay and I went so what'd you say he goes well it'll probably be all right I would really like it I'd like you to just if you could make me feel better about if I feel better that it will be all right and he went it it'll probably clear itself up and I said yeah but is there any way I could be sure and he went ah you want me to put my finger up there don't you maybe maybe there's a reason but what is the reason that you film it in the school you used to teach in I think it's therapy probably I'm in the actual classroom where I talk because I was just to keep the theme going a real teacher for a long time yeah I talked for yeah six years in the school that we filming in the classroom that I'm going Madding and I that's that's real that was my classroom yeah but you didn't foreign did you ever enjoy it was there ever a moment when you thought I like this I don't know okay well I met some very nice people there and it was like you were nominated for Teacher of the Year weren't you yes I was great yeah you know yes I've told this story many times but after the year is a very prestigious award that's taken very seriously and rightly by the hard-working teaching community and my head teacher called me in and he was wetting himself laughing he couldn't stop laughing for the first 10 minutes and he went I went what why have you called me here he goes you've been numb I've got this a teacher of the year award you've been nominated and I went oh okay and um it was by a very sweet girl called Gemma I've humiliated many times and it's a six-page document that people have to fill in for the reasons why you should be nominated for Teacher of the Year it was blank aside from one sentence that she'd written on it which was the reasons why you think he should be teacher of the year and she's written he's a well good laugh and he don't make us do no work why haven't we seen more of you two together it's a pairing it really is it's a match made in heaven now and Jackie Chan yes Jackie Chan uh yes what I haven't done that once I'm very soon I'm sitting on my hands I'm going Jackie Chan I'm not doing that because is it true that everyone just goes Jackie Chan yeah I really hate that you know whatever I go you know in Europe America especially the father by children why nobody see Robert De Niro that's a Robert De Niro wow Dustin Hoffman one day one day I hope people wow that's a Jackie Chan yes yes that's Jackie Chan do you enjoy things like that are they fun or is it just that business the the whole thing about the those big uh events they call them you know particularly in Canada's red carpet things and do you enjoy them do you like doing that no I can't do any of that I really can't I've seen you I did go well have you on a red can't but I don't think so no have you I've seen you show up at things not much to be honest but you've you've done Posh things you've you've mixed with royal you've met the queen haven't you I have met the queen yes I have met the queen at um I think it was a uh one of those receptions for people in the Arts you should have been there Graham honey I was you were overlooked yes okay do you would be a dirty potting man yeah I was you know what I was amazed at with the queen and she's very tiny which is something for me today because I'm quite short and she moves as if on Rollerblades she just slides up like that there's no actual walkings guy I don't know what's going on under there she might be on casters but as she comes to where you are the group where you are uh for a start you have to you have to tussle with that whole idea of will you curtsy won't you curse will you curtsy and I decided before no look kurtzing it's no I'm not going to bow down before Roy I'm not going to and then immediately you do too low to be revolting and then of me I mean and then the queen says there was a group of about four of us around her and she says a very small thing you know so are you enjoying the evening and everybody goes like this thank you to the queen I think people are just nervous are they eager to please don't want to be beheaded or something I don't know I'm sure must think that she's a great comedian or something and I was doing it the queen yes I do you mean I was in Hong Kong I remember a long long time ago my anger is so bad in that time I remember when Queen raise your hand use your hand otherwise you're standing here and you're right what your Royal Highness yes yeah and then I have to remember your Royal Highness your right highness Dennis well we've been playing around oh Queen's coming Queen's coming here what should I say then I see the queen stop stop stop so quick oh okay then when she comes yeah she keep talking to me my head is empty I don't know what she's talking about [Laughter] you know honestly okay go away go away leave me alone of course I'm so happy just standing here more than like a three minute five minute but I just don't go away please don't talk to me anymore I don't know how to answer back to America that's right it's Air New Zealand that's right yes they got whisked off on a little um that's a hell of a service all I got was a glass of champagne can we say whisks on BBC One you can't say whisked off oh that yeah [Applause] minutes in good night now did you drive yourself here tonight no no no I've got my driving license no I'm still on driving me would you get in the car with them but now my husband is officially allowed to drive yes I would get in a car with him he took 61 years but but I mean in terms of teaching you did Noah before I was too pissed to drive okay fair enough go for my test another go let's see a minute ago no Mr Osborne come back another day I'm not even getting in the cold again walking around the test center with a bottle of eye cream I pocket did you learn an Emmanuel or an automatic I could drive anything one of a few drinks is there anything you can use yet is there anything that can go on BBC One not yet you've just had a promotion it's all DVD extras I know but it's a proper Western I mean we see Tom Hanks gun Toten which we rarely see well I don't have I don't wear one I am given one later on so it's not like you know I'm not doing the root and tooting kind of thing ever but I I I I I I ride a horse and um I drive a wagon and I've discovered so I'm not a I'm not a writer per se but I did learn I I had a fabulous got to know a fabulous hope named wimpy who was my horse wimpy was my husband and uh yeah I don't know if anybody here is has written a lot or belt as I recall Emily my darling how are you how are you wonderful to see you good to see you do you know what I'm about to do a western like next January I'm doing a six-part western and we were just discussing how allergic I am to horses and I do everything with a horse you know I'm gonna be antihistamine up to my eyeball do you have to kiss the horse isn't that what happens in Western to make out with your hopes you you develop an affection for those peace every morning you throw your arms around with you say how are you my garlic little chestnuts about you which you sort of have to do because I have a feeling that horses honestly they would much rather live in a world without human beings climbing on top of them and they know that you climb on their back that you're terrible at riding like I mean I've been learning right now I'm I'm in London now rehearsing for it and I go riding three times a week and every time they give me a different horse to see you know how you fare oh with one that's more sprinkly or one that's less of a Ferrari and I got on one the other day called Rusty oh my God I almost took off with me it was terrifying I couldn't walk the next day Rusty did me in [Applause] wow is that the name of the film [Applause] how did you know Sir Patrick Stewart and you don't really use the Sarah much do you uh what should I sorry should I have been calling you no I shouldn't am I supposed to no okay but but no do you I take my lead from Sir Ian I whom we've both shared some time with yes and uh he is he is so phlegmatic about all of that and and I just you know it's a great honor but it's not something that I need to press when you bump into another sir when you're out and about do you then do you do you call each other [Applause] so how do you become a sir um Patrick how well you know it's a case of um I got mine on the Queen's birthday honors but you have reminded me that I did have a sir encounter only a few weeks ago in Los Angeles a rather fancy in fact extremely fancy restaurant tell them what it is because they'll know um it was the uh the the the Tower bar uh no yeah guys [Applause] keep going you keep going keep going okay wow no the towel bar is the spot I got a feeling this isn't gonna work out so we had four of us were seated at a table about 15 minutes later into the restaurant walks Sir Paul McCartney wow good now Paul and I have a very slender relationship but it's lasted decades I first encountered him in 1964. no when his girlfriend Jane Asher then told him that I loved Aston Martins I was driving a battered old Ford but Aston Martin's were my dream car she told him this and one night yeah we knew he was seeing the show there was a knock on my door and I said yeah come in I'm there in my underwear you know like as usual come in I'm in my pants I'm ready for you come in and the door open and standing there was Paul McCartney who I had never met before and this was 1964. and uh he said Jane says that you like Aston Martin's here drive this wow and he tossed a bunch of keys and it was an ass it was his [Applause] we are it's a legend I am feeling less and less good keep going keep going you're in there so Paul McCartney's coming in the 60s and uh uh he sees me and comes over and uh I stand up and say hi and we have a big hug in the restaurant and I'm very much aware that there's all the tables are full on this kind of thing and we talked for five or six minutes and he goes and sits down five minutes go by and into the restaurant walks a Ringo Starr I swear to you I'm not making this one were they together they were they were oh they were at the same table they were the same yes um well uh we uh at the tower I am expecting so many free meals I have to go and Paul stands up to say goodbye and we have a hug and this we have a hug he says into my ear do you know Ringo I've never met him but I'm he said oh come on come over here hang on a minute he said sir Ringo Sir Patrick Sir Paul hey we've got the Knights of the Round Table [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the picnic Panzer of course is Fan Art and Sarah Pasco I know you have had that Accolade of people sending you fan art I mean yeah so I've got one piece and I think fan art is a strong word we've got a picture should we see it first yes okay okay so it took me it's actually it's worth saying that it's all of you because it is me it is right this is the the fan art of Sarah Pasco I think fan art is a very loose term is I was given this at a gig in lieu of payment oh yeah you've actually ran the gig had spent too much at the bar to pay me so he painted that yes after being at the bar of me what are those bits I just think they're just free biscuits [Laughter] pictures of people who tattooed your face on their body oh no I'm not there yet Monday yeah I get them in my Twitter feed all the times guys who have whole calves the calves or a picture of jewels on their chest or wow Nick Fury people love and now Tom middleston you have fan off at such specific fan art this is a lot yeah and does it all come for this one scene it was it the first Thor movie with the spear right right yeah yes um there's a there's a scene in a first Thor film where my I'm not trying to attack Thor Chris Hemsworth as Thor with a spear and jump in the air and he Dodges out the way and I bring the spear down and it wedges itself into the floor and then I use the use it to spin myself around and kick him in the chest which has been interpreted by fans as um a demonstration of my hidden talent at pole dance pole dancer yeah look yeah no activity there's so much of this but this is just one example of Loki really going for it on the pole all right is that Japanese but that's what you wear in the movies I've seen it yeah that's Loki's outfit yeah I've never I've not seen that one oh really oh really oh we'll print it out you can take it home very quickly it is Oscar's weekend this weekend and uh Ian would you mind telling us the story about when you were nominated for uh Gandalf oh yeah and you had the the beads yeah well the wet beads uh the in in uh New Zealand where we filmed Lord of the Rings uh you you you if you're lucky when you leave you're given a piece of green stone carved and you wear it often enough and your chances are you'll get back to New Zealand that's the idea and it will bring you a bit of luck so uh when those films were nominated with something like 20 Oscars uh on that night everybody from New Zealand was wearing the green stone that punami Echo and and we're on the red carpet going into the so I met Maggie Smith you know what are you doing what are you here for I said well I said well Lord of the Rings oh yeah she said what's that round your neck all right so it's my poonami um I only know poonami what's that fight I said well if I wear it it'll it'll bring me luck and uh [Music] and we went to our separate ways and you know it lasts for three and a half or four hours you know then oh yeah oh gosh and at the end of course everyone else wins the Oscar apart from you and a bit dejected you're coming out looking forward to a drink and you bump into Maggie Smith and she points at you and she said it didn't work [Laughter] [Applause] did you make Carol Thatcher and now so how much preparation goes into well obviously you put a nose on but what else goes on preparing for carotouch I should make up some [ __ ] but then I watched I'm a celebrity get me out of here but now but when you're playing it at something like a detective do you do like for a broad Church did you do preparation no sorry um David did and I could ask him questions it seems silly doubling up to defend my actions um I don't think my character spoke in the same sort of um rhythms as detectives so I thought it'd be better if I didn't have that influence well Nick Frost is the lead guy and uh he uh as a child and I'm his sister that's it I'm his sister and um and as children uh he was Salsa champion and endless cups and awards and things and we used to go off and do competitions and I was a dance partner and then something happened and his life changed and sassa wasn't for him after that moment and then cut to uh Nick Frost present day or whatever his character is called and um he's called Bruce people are applauding you I'm remembering the names of people in your own films you film something Nelson Mandela yeah I know we know you're not into big you're not a big preparation but you must have had some dancers I was forced to um because I had to dance on screen so I had to practice do you look good though well there is as you know they have people who actually can dance yeah who uh because I can only spend three times before I vomit so but we do we do have a picture of you in rehearsals where it doesn't look like it's going that well [Laughter] that's the one that you're wearing like a full sweatsuit and heels what's nice to know is it wasn't always like that I don't know they're like what was it what did you perform you performed at a seafood festival I mean which which [ __ ] show you want to know about that time zone I think they wanted was it crap I had a crab fest you're not you're not performing in in luxury you know venues wherever they feel that they can build the stage and make money is where you're going so there was a crab fest [Applause] comedian Talent I was like all right well you know I'm available I don't know if you guys have ever tried to tell a joke about people cracking crabs [Laughter] [Applause] literally the frustration that comes from not being able to open a crabs and if you're not funny at the same time stuff that you hear I remember hearing a woman an older lady who was like she was cracking crabs because this is how you crack looking at me and she's like cracking the crab and I tell a joke and a joke doesn't work and I remember this lady just going oh no [Laughter] I don't think I would much rather be booed the disappointment from her voice in his own she said baby it was like oh no baby I have made a mistake with my choice of life like I'm not doing it wrong I mean you know look the the the hardship that I went through has helped build me into the person I am today where I can take so much but I've been through it all I was I was hitting the face with a buffalo wings [Applause] there's no food uh it was it was a it was actually a male strip club that they shut down for comedy for the first half so it was like a bunch of it was ladies in there and you know it's just supposed to be us performing for these women that were riled up first thing I got on stage when they introduced me and this lady was like pull it out I said hey hey hey that's not me I'm not here today I'm here to entertain these jokes I know who's got kids that's the stuff I start trying to merge into kid material and there's one dude from the back I just remember this dude from the back he was like that's enough and he's just threw a buffalo wing at me hey man hit me hit me in the cheek a little bit of sauce right here buffalo sauce is hot sauce I assumed that it was a woman with a deep voice so I was like who threw it who threw it because at the end of the day I'm a man I'm a man first don't disrespect me he stood up he was like I did it and I I contemplated just taking my clothes off [Applause] [Music]

Channel: The Graham Norton Show

Views: 1,184,097

Keywords: Graham Norton, Graham Norton Show, The Graham Norton Show, The Graham Norton Show official, The Graham Norton Show new series, Graham Norton Show Best Moments, Graham Norton Show funniest moments, Graham Norton Show new series, talk show, british talk show, funny celebrity moments, celebrity interviews, best celeb moments

Id: MbGot2fvCFE

Length: 63min 29sec (3809 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 28 2023