WELCOME,
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW. I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. HEY, QUICK QUESTION, ANYBODY
REMEMBER TWO DAYS AGO WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT KETANJI BRROWN
JACKSON HAD MADE IT OUT OF THE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE AND WAS
DEFINITELY GOING TO BE AMERICA'S FIRST BLACK FEMALE SUPREME COURT
JUSTICE, AND WE ALL WENT "WOO?" THAT WAS FUN. WANT TO DO IT AGAIN? BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE U.S. SENATE VOTED TO CONFIRM KETANJI
BROWN JACKSON TO THE SUPREME COURT, MAKING HER AMERICA'S
FIRST BLACK FEMALE JUSTICE. WOO! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THAT'S NICE, THAT'S NICE. I FEEL GOOD. >> Jon: VERY NICE. >> Stephen: THAT IS NICE. THAT IS-- SHE IS
A JUSTICE SO NICE, WE WOOED HER TWICE. HERE'S THE MOMENT HISTORY WAS
MADE. >> ON THIS VOTE, THE YEAS ARE
53, THE NAYS ARE 47, AND THIS NOMINATION IS CONFIRMED. (APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE NEWEST MEMBER OF
THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, JUSTICE KETANJI BROWN JACKSON... IS WHAT I WILL BE SAYING IN A
FW MONTHS, WHEN SHE'S ACTUALLY SWORN IN. IT'S A LONG PROCESS. WE'LL WOO AGAIN. THE PRESIDENT SEEMED TO
UNDERSTAND THE HISTORY OF THE MOMENT. SHORTLY AFTERWARD, THE WHITE
HOUSE RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF THE PRESIDENT AND THE NEXT
JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT SHARING A HUG. VERY TOUCHING. IT WAG RIPP BIP REALLY
BEAUTIFUL, TAKING THAT MOMENT TO RECOGNIZE IT. AND REMINISCENT OF WHEN BRETT
KAVANAUGH WAS CONFIRMED AND THE FORER PRESIDENT HELPED HIM DO A
KEG-STAND. S NOT EASY AT HIS AGE, NOT EASY
AT ALL, YOU KNOW, IMPRESSIVE. THAT WASN'T THE ONLY POSITIVE
NEWS FROM CAPITOL HILL, BECAUSE TODAY WE LEARNED THAT SPEAKER
NANCY PELOSI HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID-19. GET WELL SOON, MADAME SPEAKER. PLEASE STAY HOME, DRINK A LOT OF
FLUIDS, AND LET CHUCK SCHUMER GO STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL. "NANCY, IT'S CHUCK AGAIN. I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT
THE CHEESECAKES I SENT OVER. BECAUSE NOTHING DEALS WITH
PHLEGM LIKE A THICK NEW YORK JUNIOR'S CHEESECAKE. OKAY, HOW DO I TURN OFF THE
CALL? YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUST GOING TO
BRING YOU WITH ME TO THE BATHROOM. TOO MUCH CHEESECAKE." NOW, EVERYBODY'S WONDERING IF
PELOSI MIGHT HAVE TRANSMITTED IT TO OTHER PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE
ARCH SHE WAS INFECTED, INCLUDING THE
PRESIDENT, BUT THE WHITE HOUSE SAID THAT BIDEN TESTED NEGATIVE
LAST NIGHT, AND WAS NOT CONSIDERED A "CLOSE CONTACT" OF
PELOSI. REALLY? NOT A CLOSE CONTACT? BECAUSE YESTERDAY WHEN SHE WAS
THERE FOR A BILL SIGNING, SHE WAS RIGHT NEXT TO THE PRESIDENT,
AND ON TUESDAY, PELOSI AND THE PRESIDENT GAVE EACH OTHER A
COUPLE PECKS ON THE CHEEK! EVIDENTLY, THE WHITE HOUSE DOES
NOT CONSIDER IT A CLOSE CONTACT UNLESS THERE'S TONGUE. FDR STARTED THAT, FDR STARTED
THAT, YEAH. PELOSI IS JUST THE LATEST CASE
AMONG WASHINGTON'S ELITE. AT LEAST 14 ATTENDEES OF
SATURDAY'S GRIDIRON CLUB DINNER HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID,
INCLUDING THE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR TO VICE PRESIDENT
KAMALA HARRIS, REPRESENTATIVE ADAM SCHIFF, REPRESENTATIVE
JOAQUIN CASTRO, COMMERCE SECRETARY GINA RAIMONDO, AND
ATTORNEY GENERAL MERRICK GARLAND. THAT PROVES MITCH McCONNELL IS
WORSE THAN A DISEASE, BECAUSE AT LEAST COVID WAS WILLING TO
MEET WITH MERRICK GARLAND. BIG NEWS FROM THE UNITED
S-- SURE, WHY NOT. BIG NEWS FROM THE UNITED
NATIONS. THIS AFTERNOON, THE U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY VOTED TO
SUSPEND RUSSIA'S MEMBERSHIP IN THE U.N. HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL. OKAY, THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT SOUNDS WRONG? RUSSIA WAS ON THE HUMAN RIGHTS
COUNCIL. IF YOU THINK THIS IS TOO LITTLE,
TOO LATE, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. SO DOES POPE FRANCIS, SEEN HERE
FREE-STYLING UNDER THE NAME "FUNK MASTER FAITH." THIS WEEK, IL PAPA HAD SOME
HARSH WORDS FOR THE U.N., SAYING, "IN THE ONGOING WAR
IN UKRAINE, WE WITNESS THE IMPOTENCE OF THE INTERNATIONAL
ORGANIZATIONS OF THE UNITED NATIONS." NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN THE
CELIBATE GUY CALLS YOU IMPOTENT. THIS IS WEIRD. THIS IS WEIRD. OR WHEN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SAYS
YOU GUYS ARE MOVING TOO SLOWLY. HERE SAY BIT OF WEIRD NEWS. YESTERDAY, THE F.B.I. ARRESTED
TWO MEN ACCUSED OF IMPERSONATING FEDERAL OFFICERS, WHO CLAIMED
THEY WERE, "SPECIAL POLICE." OH, YOU'VE GOT TO WATCH OUT FOR
THOSE SPECIAL POLICE. I LEARNED ALL ABOUT THEM IN
THIS DISTURBING TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARY. >> YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
SHARP ON YOU THAT I CAN STICK MYSELF WITH, DO YOU? >> NO. >> GOOD, BECAUSE I DO. (PANTS RIPPING)
(GIRLS SCREAM) >> Stephen: THOSE WOMEN ARE
TERRIFIED. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THESE FAKE
FEDS WERE PLANNING, BUT THEY WERE CLEARLY UP TO NO GOOD. THEY ALLEGEDLY USED THE DISGUISE
TO GET CLOSER TO MEMBERS OF FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT,
INCLUDING A U.S. SECRET SERVICE AGENT. THAT'S SCARY. IT'S WHY I'VE ALWAYS SAID WE
NEED AN AGENCY TO PROTECT THE SECRET SERVICE: THE SECRET
"SECRET SERVICE" SERVICE. THEY WEAR AVIATORS OVER THEIR
AVIATORS, AND THEY TALK INTO BOTH WRISTS. TO COZY UP TO LAW ENFORCEMENT,
THESE NO-GOODNIKS PROVIDED MEMBERS OF THE SECRET SERVICE
WITH GIFTS SUCH AS iPHONES, SURVEILLANCE SYSTEMS, A DRONE,
AND A FLAT SCREEN TELEVISION. AND THE SECRET SERVICE JUST TOOK
THEM? AREN'T THESE GUYS SUPPOSED TO BE
ON GUARD 24-7? "I WILL JUMP IN FRONT OF A
BULLET TO PROTECT THIS NATION. WHAT'S THAT? A FLATSCREEN SAMSUNG? GET IN HERE! WANT TO SEE THE OVAL OFFICE? HERE'S THE KEY! TAKE A LOOK AROUND WHILE I WATCH
TBS-- OOH, 'IN THE LINE OF FIRE' IS ON! MALKOVICH CAN DO IT ALL." -- NO, PLEASE, PLEASE. MALKOVICH FANS. SO, HOW DID THEY FOOL EVERYONE? WELL, THE DUO OF MASTERMINDS
USED AN S.U.V. EQUIPPED WITH EMERGENCY LIGHTS THEY IDENTIFIED
AS "THEIR OFFICIAL D.H.S. VEHICLE," AND WORE TACTICAL GEAR
WITH "POLICE" EMBLAZONED ON THEIR CLOTHING. CLEARLY A HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED
OPERATION. THEY HAD ACCESS TO IRON-ON
TECHNOLOGY! PLUS, THE CREDENTIALS PROVING
THAT THEY WERE FEMALE BODY INSPECTORS. THESE TWO AREN'T THE ONLY
KNUCKLEHEADS IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW. I'LL CATCH YOU UP A FEW MORE, IN
TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP." >> I WOOL SEE YOU IN COURT. YOU BAAAAAASTARDS! >> Stephen: FIRST UP IN TODAY'S
ROUNDUP IS CAPITOL RIOTER AND GUY TRYING TO SELL YOU A BAG OF
OREGANO AT THE DRUM CIRCLE, WHEN FISHER WAS ARRESTED WILL A
THOUSAND ROUNDS OF AM MISH, AN A MACHETE IN HIS UPPER EAST SIDE
APARTMENT AND CAR, THAT IS INSAY, HE HAS A CAR IN NEW YORK
CITY? THAT-- NO, I GUESS, I SUPPOSE. YES STRKS EASIER TO FIND PARKING
WHEN YOU KEEP A MACHETE ON THE DASH. NEXT UP INSURRECTIONIST AND
THOUGHTFUL DINNER PARTY GUEST JASON RIDDLE, SENTENCED TO 90
DAYS IF JAIL AFTER BREAKING TOO THE OFFICE OF THE SENATE
PARLIAMENT ARIAN CHUGGING THAT BOTTLE OF WINE AND ALSO STEALING
A BOOK IF HE WANTED WINE AND BOOKS HE COULD HAVE JUST SHOWN
UP TO HIS AUNT RITA TUESDAY AT 7 P.M. THIS WEEK THEY ARE DOING WHERE
THE CRAW DADS SING THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME I MENTIONED
MR. WHITTLE RIDDLE ON THE SHOW. I ALSO TALKED ABOUT HIS
WINE-SWILLING BOOK-SWIPING LAST YEAR. AND HE REMEMBERS. BECAUSE AT HIS SENTENCING,
RIDDLE CALLED OUT MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA, INCLUDING LATE NIGHT HOST
STEPHEN COLBERT, WHO HE CLAIMED "CALLED ME AN ENEMY OF THE STATE
TO A BOOING CROWD." OKAY, THAT'S NOT TRUE. THAT'S NOT TRUE. I DID NOT CALL HIM "AN ENEMY OF
THE STATE." THAT WAS THE SEGUE INTO THE
"ROUND-UP ROUND-UP." I ACTUALLY CALLED HIM THIS:
FIRST UP IN THE ROUNDUP, NEW HAMPSHIRE NATIVE AND GUY
TEACHING A CRYPTOCURRENCY CLASS FROM HIS MOM'S BASEMENT,
JASON RIDDLE. I'M SORRY. LET ME CORRECT THAT. NEW HAMPSHIRE NATIVE AND GUY
TEACHING A CRYPTOCURRENCY CLASS FROM JAIL. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! COMEDIAN PETE HOLMES IS HERE! BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ARE
ALIENS IMPREGNATING US? AND WHO PAYS WHEN THEY NEED
BRACES? REQUEST STICK AROUND.
