John Pinette - Hiking Is a Walk That Sucks

wow i moved to los angeles so i bought a condo a little condo now i have to go shopping for the condo i'm not a good shopper and i just started shopping randomly and i knew the first thing i bought it was going to be ugly i didn't want any trouble i went in and bought a toaster and the lady said could i have your name and address no i have this money and i'm taking this toaster now you don't need my name and address i'm not adopting it i'm purchasing it i might throw it off a building after i leave here she asked me she said would you like to buy the warranty for the toaster no i think i'm going to absorb the risk on this one i'm not a gambler but i'm feeling lucky today if this toaster should break and god forbid that day should come i'm gonna take another 39 out of my pocket and buy another toaster because that's how i live on the edge i i just don't stupid now after i got the condo all filled up they sent me back out on the road and i toured canada and it's been a pleasure tour in canada it really has been and well listen the first date in canada was ottawa in january that's the best time to go um it's not all touristy in january the hotel rates are favorable my suite was 39 or you could give them a toaster either one they don't care but ottawa is a beautiful city and they have people in the the river freezes and people skate on the river it's beautiful to watch and they have these snack bars on the ice and they sell these things called beaver tails oh yeah you applauded for beaver tails you really are my people um so so you have to escape the people's do you have to skate to the beaver tail now the beaver tails it's like this big it's a fried dough of death thing it's all your weight watchers points by the way um i had to buy other people's points in my group now let's listen i am not an official weight watchers representative i'm part of a rogue splinter organization where you can buy and sell points in the black market so you had to ice skate to the beaver tail which is just cruel well you can smell the beaver tails you can smell the fried dough from your hotel room it was making me crazy so the third day i was like give me ice skates i skated to the beaver tale and there was this nice family from ottawa a mom and dad and two kids and they were in front of the beaver tail stand i just remember that look in their eyes you know like oh well he'll stop i i couldn't and i didn't cost me some tickets to the show that night i'll tell you that and i bought them all beaver tails while the paramedics looked them over i'm not an outdoors person either i like the lake i like to go swimming in the ocean that kind of thing but hiking no hiking is hiking is a walk that sucks you know what you do when you walk i love to walk you walk to the movies you walk in the mall you walk in the park hiking hiking you hike down ravine you hike up a mountain you were hiking and you found a dead body my friends took me hiking and when we got to the lake there was a kayak kayaks are now on my list i don't even what is it is it a canoe for people with no friends mine didn't move i'm not too big the kayak is too small they had to pull me out like a champagne cork we got him i i'm wedged in this kayak going if i fart in this kayak it's gonna have a thousand meter kill radius it's gonna go off like a claymore mine i i was in jamaica and they lost my luggage and by the way air canada i'm flying there canada tomorrow very good airline lighting up at the check-in yeah oh seriously seriously it's yeah excuse me i'm going to new york you're checking over there at the machine i'm going to new york there's a machine over there do you have your confirmation number do you have your confirmation number what do you do do you just point at the machine all day i'm gonna buy them a sign checking that machine and they'll lay your ass off [Applause] mike my bag was a kilo over oh my god take a kilo put it out of the bag put a kilo out of the bag a kilo what am i gonna do cut a pair of underwear in half if a kilo makes a difference in this bag going on that plane i'm not going on that plane [Applause] [Music] i was in jamaica and the airlines lost my luggage i won't say what airline but they lost my luggage and there's not a lot of big and talls in jamaica i bought an extra large shirt and i had jeans on i cut the jeans too short alcohol was involved in this decision i look like a hooker and the world's least successful hooker i'm not bragging there was a ride in jamaica called a banana boat it was an inflatable banana and there were three of them going out at once and it was actually fun and i was dressed like a hooker so i wanted something to take my mind off things so i got on this inflatable banana and and the motorboat pulls it and it was a lot of fun till the motorboat took the hard left and i went sailing off the banana boat into the other banana boat and there's that poor family from ottawa [Applause] and they're like there's not even a beaver tail stand here why are you following us when i was in los angeles i went to the doctor and i'm you know i'm getting older and i wanted to make sure that i was okay for the road the doctor did a blood test a stress test and blood pressure and they were really good now the doctor looked at me shocked she goes these numbers are good she goes did you know you're allergic to wheat i did not know that the next time one of my friends call me and say john we're going wheat picking would you like to come i'll have to say no the doctor said i was allergic then i thought wait a minute maybe i should ask questions wheat is flour i said what does this sweet thing mean she said do you eat a lot of gluten i i don't know what gluten is but yes i would say yes um i think i'm mostly gluten to be honest with you i don't know and she gave me a book of things that have gluten in it you know it has gluten in it every day i said check again maybe it's just cancer i i didn't take it well have you tried gluten-free stuff it needs gluten if if you want to know where the gluten section is in your local supermarket look for someone with a gun in their mouth cause bullets are gluten-free then i tried some gluten-free thread i immediately asked for gluten spread so that i might reintroduce the gluten i hope they make i can't believe it's not gluten the the gluten-free bread doesn't toast it broke the toaster 39 i should have bought the warranty i love you montreal thank you [Music]

Channel: Just For Laughs

Views: 2,556,743

Keywords: Just for laughs, jfl, just for laugh, just for laughs youtube, youtube just for laughs, just laughs, just laugh, juste pour rire, funny comedy, comedian, stand up, stand up youtube, standup youtube, standup, stand up comedian, stand up comedians, funny, laugh, laughs, comedy, joke, humor, hiking, kayak, beaver tails, canada, sports

Id: zKT9qydYxWs

Length: 12min 1sec (721 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 22 2022