>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. THE ARIZONA SUPREME COURT HAS REINSTATED A LAW FROM 1964 BANNING DOCTORS FROM PERFORMING ABORTIONS. NOW, REINSTATING LAWS FROM 1864 ISN'T THE WORST THING FOR ME BECAUSE I'M A WHITE LAND OWNER. AND A PROUD FREE MASON. BUT IT'S PROBABLY NOT GREAT TO ADOPT HEALTH CARE RULES FROM A TIME WHERE THE ONLY TWO THINGS DOCTORS PRESCRIBED WERE PRAYER AND COCAINE. SATURDAY AND SUNDAY. BACK THEN, IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO KEEP YOUR BABY, YOUR ONLY OPTION WAS TO GIVE IT TO RUMPLE STILL SKIN. PRESIDENT BIDEN CRITICIZED THE LAW CALLING IT CRUEL, WHICH IS THE SAME THING HE SAID WHEN HE VOTED AGAINST IT IN 1864. >> THIS WEEK, DONALD TRUMP SAID THAT HE SUPPORTS ABORTION LAWS BEING DECIDED BY THE STATES INSTEAD OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. BUT WHY STOP THERE? WHY NOT GO EVEN SMALLER AND LEAVE IT UP TO THE COUNTY OR THE CITY, OR EVEN BETTER, TAKE THE GOVERNMENT OUT OF IT COMPLETELY AND LEAVE THE CHOICE ABOUT WHAT WOMEN CAN DO WITH THEIR BODIES TO THE PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY CAN DO WITH THEM THE BEST, THEIR HUSBANDS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> IN A VIDEO ON TRUTH SOCIAL, DONALD TRUMP FALSELY SAID THAT DEMOCRATS SUPPORT ABORTION UP TO THE NINTH MONTH AND BEYOND. SAYING, THE BABY IS EXECUTED AFTER BIRTH. BUT HE ONLY THINKS THAT HAPPENS BECAUSE WHEN TRUMP WAS A BABY, A BUNCH OF TIME TRAVELERS SHOWED UP TRYING TO KILL HIM. >> O.J. SIMPSON DIED THIS WEEK AT THE AGE OF 76 AFTER A BATTLE WITH PROSTATE CANCER THAT WAS PLANTED ON HIM BY THE LAPD. [ LAUGHTER ] >> THERE WAS ACTUAL LISTEN AN ERROR IN THE LA TIMES OBITUARY FOR O.J. SIMPSON IN THE SECTION ABOUT HIS PRISON TIME. INSTEAD OF WRITING OJ WALKED OUT OF THE LOVE LAW CORRECTIONAL CENTER, THEY WROTE, TRUMP WALKED OUT OF THE LOVE LAW CORRECTIONAL CENTER A FREE MAN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NINE YEARS. IT'S NOT A GREAT SIGN FOR TRUMP THAT EVEN AUTO CORRECT THINKS HE BELONGS IN JAIL. >> PRESIDENT BIDEN MET WITH JAPAN'S PRIME MINISTER WHERE THEY DISCUSSED BUILDING A NEW BULLET TRAIN SYSTEM IN AMERICA USING ADVANCED JAPANESE TECHNOLOGY. IN RETURN, JAPAN REQUESTED THE ADVANCED AMERICAN TECHNOLOGY OF FORKS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> A NEW -- [ LAUGHTER ] A NEW REPORT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE CLAIMS THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN'S BILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF STUDENT LOAN RELIEF WILL DISPROPORTIONATELY HELP LATINOS WHICH HAS EARNED BIDEN THE NICKNAME EL PAPA DESUGAR. >> YESTERDAY, MIKE JOHNSON, WHOSE POSITION AS HOUSE SPEAKER IS IN JEOPARDY TRAVELED TO MAR-A-LAGO FOR A MEETING WITH DONALD TRUMP, AND BOY IS HIS JAW TIRED. ALL RIGHT. [ APPLAUSE ] >> THAT GOT APPLAUSE? THAT EVENTUALLY GOT APPLAUSE? SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL SEEN HERE BEING TOLD A BLACK WOMAN MADE A COUNTRY ALBUM -- HAS -- HAS COME OUT IN FAVOR OF A BILL THAT WOULD POTENTIALLY BAN TICK KNOCK IN THE U.S. OF COURSE, FOR McCONNELL, TIKTOK IS JUST WHAT THE GRIM REAPER SAYS WHILE TAPPING HIS WATCH. >> THIS WEEK, THE TERM WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE WAS TRENDING ON TIKTOK AS SOME WOMEN WERE CALLING OUT THEIR MALE PARTNERS FOR DOING SIMPLE TASKS BAD ON PURPOSE SO THEY NEVER HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN. HERE TO COMMENT IS OUR RESIDENT BOYFRIEND MICHAEL LONGFELLOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> CHE, ALWAYS GOOD TO BE WITH YOU, MY FRIEND. >> MICHAEL, HOW YOU DOING? SO WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE? >> WELL, I JUST LEARNED ABOUT IT BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND ASKED ME TO BUY DISHWASHER SOAP, AND I BOUGHT DISH SOAP, WHICH IS DIFFERENT I GUESS. SO MY TAKE IS I TOTALLY GET HER POINT, BUT WHAT I NEED HER TO UNDERSTAND IS I'M JUST INCOMPETENT. AND I'M TRYING REALLY, REALLY HARD. AND I LOVE YOU, GIRL. SO PLEASE, DON'T BE MAD AT ME. >> DO YOU THINK SHE MIGHT GET UPSET ABOUT YOU SAYING ANY OF THIS ON TV? >> NO. SHE'LL BE UPSET BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO PICK UP OUR CAT FROM DAY CARE YESTERDAY, AND I'M REALIZING AS I SPEAK I TOTALLY FORGOT. >> MICHAEL, THAT'S NOT GREAT, MAN. >> THAT'S TERRIBLE. IN THE WORDS OF J. LO, THIS IS ME. NOW. YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME JUST TALK TO THE LADIES DIRECTLY FOR A SECOND. LET ME GET THE CAMERA. >> I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD, MAN. >> HEY, GIRLS. IT'S LONGFELLOW. DON'T GET EXCITED. IT'S JUST A NAME. [ LAUGHTER ] SMALL WEINER JOKE. >> NO. WE GOT IT, MAN. WE GOT IT. >> JUST A JOKE. LOOK, LADIES, WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING ABOUT? THIS ISN'T US. YES, MEN SOMETIMES MESS UP TASKS SO SIMPLE THAT A CHILD COULD DO THEM, BUT, GIRL, THAT'S SOCIETY'S FAULT. THAT'S NOT US BEING WEAPONS. THE ONLY WEAPONS I OWN, RIGHT HERE. AND THEY'RE FOR PROTECTING YOU, GIRL. AS LONG AS HE'S SMALLER THAN ME. SICK IF POSSIBLE. >> THAT'S YOUR POINT? >> I FORGOT TO THINK OF ONE. I KNOW I NEED TO BE BETTER, BUT HERE'S THE TRUTH. IF I LIVED ALONE, I WOULD HAVE ONE PLATE, I WOULD NEVER COOK, I WOULD ORDER FOOD, PUT THE TAKEOUT BOXES ON TOP OF THE TRASH CAN, AND WHEN THE BOXES TOUCH THE CEILING, MOVE BACK IN WITH MY MOM. THAT'S A GOOD LIFE TO ME. I'M OKAY LIVING LIKE THAT. YOU'RE NOT, KATE. >> YOU JUST SAY YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S REAL NAME? >> YEAH. OOPSY. LET'S TURN THE TABLES. LET'S TALK ABOUT WEAPONIZED COMPETENCE. >> WEAPONIZED COMPETENCE? >> YEAH. WOMEN. YOU'RE TOO COMPETENT. WHY DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO ALL THIS STUFF? HOW DO YOU KNOW THE WORD DUVET? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? I'VE BEEN LIVING ON THE SAME EARTH AS YOU, GIRL. NEVER ONCE HEARD DUVET. NOW YOU'RE MAD AT ME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT ON? PUT WHAT ON WHAT? >> HE'S GOT SOME GOOD POINTS. MICHAEL LONGFELLOW, EVERYBODY. >> I'M SO SORRY, BABE! >> IN A NEW INTERVIEW, BILLY D. WILLIAMS SAYS THAT ACTORS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO BLACK FACE, ADDING IF YOU'RE AN ACTOR, YOU SHOULD DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO. EXACTLY, SAID KEVIN SPACEY. >> NEW YORK CITY -- NEW YORK. >> THEY LIKES IT. >> NO, THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT. NEW YORK CITY OFFICIALS ARE CONSIDERING CONTROLLING THE CITY'S RAPID GROWING POPULATION BY USING BIRTH PELLETS, WHICH WILL FINALLY LET FEMALE RATS FOCUS ON THEIR CAREERS. >> THE TSA REPORTS IN THE FIRST THREE MONTHS OF THIS YEAR, THEY HAVE INTERCEPTED 1,500 GUNS IN CARRY-ON BAGS, AND THE MAJORITY OF THEM WERE LOADED, 'CUZ YOU'RE GIVING ME THAT WINDOW SEAT. >> YOU ARE A STUPID MAN. 72-YEAR-OLD JERRY TURNER FROM THE GOLDEN BACHELOR ANNOUNCED THAT HE AND HIS 70-YEAR-OLD WIFE ARE DIVORCING AFTER THREE MONTHS OF MARRIAGE. BUT LIKE THEY SAY, THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA -- METARY. SEAMETARY, COLIN. >> REALLY GOOD. IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT A MUSICAL VERSION OF LORD OF THE RINGS WILL OPEN IN CHICAGO, SO IF YOU LOVE MUSICALS AND YOU LOVE LORD OF THE RINGS, HIGH SCHOOL MUST HAVE BEEN A TOUGH TIME. TRUST ME, I KNOW. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA ANNOUNCED THAT BASKETBALL STAR CAITLIN CLARK WILL HAVE HER JERSEY RETIRED. AND REPLACED WITH AN APRON. OH. WELL, THE WNBA DRAFT IS THIS MONDAY, AND IOWA STAR CAITLIN CLARK IS EXPECTED TO BE THE NUMBER ONE PICK. HERE TO COMMENT IS CAITLIN CLARK. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HEY, MICHAEL. THANKS FOR HAVING ME. >> BUT NOTHING FOR MY JOKE? WHATEVER. I AM A FAN, CAITLIN, BY THE WAY. >> REALLY, MICHAEL? BECAUSE I HEARD THAT LITTLE APRON JOKE YOU DID. >> YEAH. IT WAS A JOKE. WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN. YOU KNOW? >> YOU MAKE A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT WOMEN'S SPORTS. DON'T YOU, MICHAEL? >> I WOULDN'T SAY A LOT. IT'S NOT ON THE REGULAR. >> IT'S DEFINITELY A LOT. I ACTUALLY SORT OF MADE A SUPER CUT. TAKE A LOOK. >> WELL, NO, WE DON'T HAVE TO -- A NUMBER OF SPORTS BARS AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE PROMISING TO ONLY SHOW WOMEN'S BASKETBALL GAMES DURING MARCH MADNESS. THE BARS ARE KNOWN COLLECTIVELY AS THE EMPTY ONES. A NEW REPORT CLAIMS THAT RECENT STORIES ON THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED WEBSITE WERE ACTUALLY GENERATED BY AI, AND IT'S ALREADY MAKING GLARING MISTAKES, FOR INSTANCE, IT MADE UP SOMETHING CALLED THE WNBA? IOWA'S FINAL FOUR GAME AGAINST UCONN WAS THE MOST WATCHED WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME EVER WITH 14.2 MILLION VIEWERS, BEATING THE PREVIOUS RECORD BY 14.2 MILLION VIEWERS. >> WOW. COLIN WITH THE RECEIPTS. THANKS, MAN. >> NO PROBLEM. UNLIKE CHE, I SUPPORT WOMEN. >> HOLD ON. I THINK YOU'RE A GREAT BASKETBALL PLAYER. I CAN'T PLAY LIKE YOU DO. >> YEAH. WE KNOW. OBVIOUSLY, I CAN'T TELL JOKES LIKE YOU DO. >> THANK YOU FOR THAT. >> BUT I DID WRITE SOME JOKES. IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME IF YOU READ SOME OF THEM. JUST RIGHT OVER THERE ON THE CARDS. >> WELL -- THE INDIANA FEVER HAVE THE FIRST PICK IN THIS MONDAY'S DRAFT, A REMINDER THAT INDIANA FEVER IS A WNBA TEAM AND NOT WHAT MICHAEL CHE GAVE TO DOZENS OF WOMEN AT PURDUE UNIVERSITY. >> SEE? THAT'S A GOOD JOKE ABOUT WOMEN'S SPORTS. TRY ANOTHER ONE. >> YOU REALLY WROTE THESE YOURSELF? >> YEAH. >> NETFLIX TOP SHOW IS RIPLY FEATURING AN EERIE UNSETTLING PERFORMANCE BY ACTOR ANDREW SCOTT. CRITICS SAY IT'S THE HARDEST THING TO WATCH ON NETFLIX SINCE MICHAEL CHE'S SPECIAL SHAME THE DEVIL. >> I LIKE THAT ONE. THERE'S MORE. >> THIS YEAR, CAITLIN CLARK BROKE THE RECORD FOR THREE-POINTERS IN A SINGLE SEASON, AND I HAVE THREE POINTERS FOR MICHAEL CHE, ONE, BE, TWO, FUNNIER, THREE, DUMB ASS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WOW. THANKS FOR DOING THAT, MICHAEL. >> YEAH. NO PROBLEM. AND GOOD LUCK IN THE WNBA. I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT FIRST SEASON. >> THANKS. I'M SURE IT WILL BE A BIG FIRST STEP FOR ME, BUT IT'S JUST ONE STEP FOR THE WNBA THANKS TO ALL THE GREAT PLAYERS, SHERLY SWOOPS LISA LESLIE, DAWN STALEY AND MY MY BASKETBALL HERO, MAYA MOORE. THESE ARE THE GIRLS THAT KICKED DOWN THE DOOR SO I COULD WALK INSIDE. I WANT TO THANK THEM FOR LAYING DOWN THE FOUNDATION. MICHAEL, SINCE YOU'RE SUCH A BIG FAN, I BROUGHT YOU A SOUVENIR. IT'S AN APRON SIGNED BY ME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU. I CAN'T WAIT TO GIVE THIS TO MY GIRLFRIEND. >> YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, MICHAEL. >> ALL RIGHT. CAITLIN CLARK, EVERYBODY. GOODNIGHT!
