>>> THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. I AM DR. PAP AND THIS IS SPECIAL AGENT FITZSIMMONS WITH THE FSA. >> YOU'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE YOU'VE EXPERIENCED A VERIFIED ALIEN ABDUCTION. >> YEAH. YOU KNOW, IT WAS WILD. ONE SECOND, WE'RE THREE FRIENDS ON A CAMPING TRIP, AND THE NEXT WE'RE CITIZENS OF THE STARS. >> AND, SIR, BEFORE WE BEGIN, MAY I SAY SOMETHING? I'M JUST REALIZING THAT I WAS WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I DO HAVE OTHER CLOTHES. >> NOTED. NOW, HOW WERE YOU ALL BROUGHT ON BOARD THE CRAFT? >> WELL, WE WERE HIT WITH THIS WARM SOFT LIGHT, AND THEN WE MATERIALIZED ON THE SPACESHIP BETWEEN THESE TWO GLOWING BEAMS. >> AND OUR CLOTHES WERE GONE, BUT WE WERE WEARING THESE COMFY ROBES MADE OF TRANSPARENT LIGHT. >> AND YOU, MS. RAFFERTY? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR ME. I WAS BY THE LAKE TAKING A WHORE BATH. IT'S WHEN YOU WASH THE PITS AND BITS. THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, I GET SUCKED UP BY A GIANT VACUUM CLEANER HOSE, AND I LAND ON THE SHIP, STILL PANTSLESS, MIND YOU, SO MY JOUSER AND MY DEUCER ARE ON FULL DISPLAY, AND I SEE MY OLD BUDDIES THE GRAY ALIENS WITH THE BIG DUMB EYES, AND IT HITS ME I'VE BEEN ON THIS SPACESHIP MORE TIMES THAN I'VE BEEN TO A DENTIST. >> AND ONCE ABOARD THE SHIP, WHAT HAPPENED. >> >> WELL, THE ALIENS TAUGHT US A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE. THE CLOSEST WE HAVE TO IT IS LOVE. >> IT'S A SOOTHING BEAUTIFUL SOUND. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT JUSTICE, BUT IT'S LIKE A -- I DIDN'T DO IT JUSTICE I DON'T THINK. >> ALL RIGHT. NOW THIS GETS MY GUNK BECAUSE THESE TWO ARE GETTING ASRM LOVE TINGLES, MEANWHILE DOWN IN GEN POP, THE GRAYS AND I ARE DOING OUR USUAL DANCE. THEY'RE BATTING MY KNOCKERS, THEY'RE STARING DOWN THE BARREL OF MY SOUTH MOUTH. BUT I DON'T KNOW THEIR HEART WASN'T IN IT. I SAW ONE OF THEM DO THIS LIKE -- I'M GOOD. YOU KNOW, YOU CAN HAVE MY TURN. ANYWAY, THAT'S WHEN TODD HERE SHOWED UP. >> TODD, YOU LEFT THE BEINGS MADE OF LIGHT? >> I DID, SIR. I GOT LOST ON THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM. >> AND HOW DID THEY REACT WHEN YOU WALKED INTO THE ROOM? >> LIKE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS MEETING TAYLOR SWIFT. THEY JUST MOBBED US. >> I WONDER WHAT WAS THE CAUSE OF THE EXCITEMENT. >> CAN I THROW OUT A THEORY? THESE THINGS, THEY'RE SMOOTH DOWN THERE. THEY'RE LIKE A BROKEN DOORBELL, YOU KNOW? NO DONG. AND YOU KNOW, I'M WEARING MY SEE-THROUGH ROBE, SO WHEN THEY SAW THAT I WAS PACKING A TROLL NOSE, MY TROLL NOSE, YOU KNOW, THEY JUST WENT RIGHT FOR IT. >> YEAH. MY GRUMPY AND MY DUMPY WERE OLD NEWS THE MINUTE THEY SAW TODD'S TROLL NOSE HANGING THERE. >> I'VE NEVER HEARD THE TERM TROLL NOSE BEFORE. >> YOU MUST BE HANGING OUT AT A DIFFERENT BOWLING ALLY THAN WE DO, SIR. >> I'LL ASK THAT WE ALL STOP SAYING TROLL NOSE, PLEASE. >> DURING THIS OR FOREVER? >> DURING THIS. NOW, WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THE OTHER AREA OF THE SHIP? >> OH, THEY SHOWED A SINGLE ATOM OF SOMETHING CALLED INFINITEM WHICH CAN POWER THE EARTH FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS. >> YEAH. CUT TO WHERE I AM. TODD'S JUNK HAS WHIPPED THE GRAYS INTO A FRENZY. THEY GOT HIM STOOD UP LIKE -- WELL, TODD, DO YOU MIND? SO THEY'RE TAKING TURNS CHECKING UNDER THE HOOD. THEY'RE LIKE -- THEY'RE LIKE THIS REACHING UP, THEY'RE KIND OF -- THEY'RE FLICKING IT. YOU KNOW? THEY'RE LIKE -- THEY'RE BATTING AROUND LIKE A CAT. THEY'RE -- YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SNIFFING IT. ONE GUY, HE TRIED TO WEAR IT LIKE A HAT. YOU KNOW? HE HAD IT DRAPED OVER HIS NOSE LIKE A VIKING HELMET. AND THEN, ONE OF THOSE LUNATICS GRABBED ON TO THIS THING, TRIED TO HOIST HIMSELF UP. I SAID, CAREFUL, BUDDY. LAST TIME I PULLED ON ONE THAT HARD, COP CHANGED HIS MIND AND DID WRITE ME A TICKET. >> AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, I DID NOT BECOME AROUSED. ANY TIME I FELT LIKE I MIGHT, I JUST LOOKED AT COLLEEN HERE, AND IT TOOK CARE OF IT FOR ME. YOU KNOW? >> I'VE KILLED MORE CHUBBIES THAN DIABETES. >> AND HOW WERE YOU ALL SENT HOME? >> I WENT BACK TO THE SMART ALIENS, AND THEY TOUCHED OUR HEADS TO THEIRS, AND WE WERE BACK ON EARTH. >> YEAH. AND THEY GAVE ME THIS. THEY WANTED US TO HAVE IT TO MAKE OUR WORLD BETTER. >> I ALSO GOT A FAREWELL SOUVENIR COURTESY OF ONE OF MY GRAY PALS WHO BITCH SLAPPED ME OUT OF AN OPEN HATCH, AND THEN I FALL 30 FEET AND I LAND FACE DOWN WITH MY WEAN HOLE AND MY BEAN HOLE POINTED RIGHT AT KIM'S FACE. >> KIM WHO? >> JONG UN. BASTARDS DROPPED ME IN NORTH KOREA. BUT, HEY, NOT THE WORST PLACE I'VE BEEN ON ALL FOURS. AND ON THAT NOTE -- >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
