Joan Rivers on Jimmy Kimmel (2/28/12)

our first guest tonight is a living legend who's been antagonizing celebrities royalty and commoners alike for six decades you can see her now antagonizing her daughter on the second season of Jonah Melissa Joe Knows Best Tuesdays at nine on WE TV please say hello to Joan Rivers [Applause] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] because there was a tragedy the last minute my dog died oh these are my dog's ashes for real oh I'm sorry to hear that I think she committed suicide we have Filipino neighbors and she put an apple in her mouth and scratched on their door and oh no so I have her ashes here it's nice it's nice of you to bring them upstairs yeah they look delicious well I'd rather you didn't but what are you gonna oh look around you know now Joan you're not going to win best dressed we're done your dog smells like coffee you really committed to that I have to hand it to you well now you got to wear that for the rest of the segment where am I going at this stage it's terrible that is kind of I mean like seriously that's got to be a terrible thing about getting here and you have to tell the people that are living you know and you have to you should never say and I know we haven't we're going to talk about the Oscars but you should just so you know we should never say somebody passed first of all the whole point is that they're dead they didn't they can't pass they're there but uh but I had a friend and her husband died and I had to say to her you know so I I I said you know he died then another friend was in the room where I said and your husband he passed I said gas gas it's all right it's not great but it's all right it's better than the alternative yeah so anyway so they ask us there's going to be something for you huh well we did it already maybe next year we'll do it again but yeah it turned out to be a bit I know you got Ash on your lip and stuff I'm worried that this is delicious that's right I'm really with the dog now you're together again together again did your dog really die yeah and my neighbor called me in what a and said to me would you like a dog to cook because it was hot and she gives my dog to lick you know it's like you gotta move they say we don't need dog it was Alicia hanging out of her mouth it was just a small percentage of them of course what would you have done to Sasha Baron Cohen if he threw ashes on you on the red carpet would you have been like Secrets wouldn't you be well I I know if I've known about it probably I'd be okay with it but he didn't know about it I don't know if Ryan Seacrest knew about her no no Ryan did not no I would not be happy don't play it's like you know um when people surprise you with things don't surprise me unless it's a minko don't surprise me I don't know do you like surprise parties are you out of your mind you don't oh you have no [Applause] you're very Lively you work all the time well I have a great sex life you do yes I have a great sex I wish I had a partner but I Christmas what are you doing at this age I'll sit at a dinner part I'll go to a man like this because I'm flirting he thinks I'm having a stroke oh that's is that true there's got to be somebody for you out there you just you don't want anyone no I don't want anybody I bet you don't you'd like to be alone I like you I think you have like your life how it is are you out of your mind really you don't no I miss I miss somebody so much you know but um let's get you on The Bachelor or something you know I I filled out some of those like ethics.com right but you got to be careful why because when they say like likes long walks it means son of a doesn't have a car probably right at this age somebody a man would have to have a car for you yeah sure I think a car is probably important yeah it's too pushy you know it's not that's not too much to ask neither one of us and I try to dress sexy but it's hard is it you know come on it's like they were all like Angelina Jolie at the Oscar okay that was odd odd you know about this stuff why do you think she was doing that well first of all did she think there's a surprise up there all of Hollywood has seen that this is a theme park there's a Six Flags over vulva [Applause] you evaluate these people on the red carpet yes I do and you're a very good dresser do you dress yourself is that well no I still can do my yes I dress myself you have somebody that picks out your clothes for you or you do yeah I also pin on my own diaper but not what I was getting at but but they're crotchless nice so when you go out you have to look good because you've made fun of what everyone's wearing all the time don't make fun that is so cruel what we do on Fashion Police is we are critics right I tell the truth you know what I'm saying and uh so Melissa thinks I should look younger you know I mean so she said to me like get get piercings but I don't need another hole that gas can come out you don't know yet at 40 you lose your eyesight at 50 you start to forget at 60 you start to fart and you don't lose your sense of smell to your 70s so those 10 years are so lonely we're gonna take a break Joe Riverson with us [Applause] mom you know what I am his mother I'm very aware to talk to me about these things it's my life it's my son the buck stopped with me you cannot just go and take him to an audition he was very good he did it because you took him rock climbing he's not gonna disappoint you he will do anything to please you that's not so he doesn't rub my feet you know what I'm done with you don't know TV on Tuesdays and uh don't that's I I imagine that's real because totally real yeah totally she gets very upset with me I don't know why you spoil her son yes I take him everywhere and he and his friends come he has a friend that wants to be a stand-up comic I'm not lying and we showed ten oh that's cute and it but really is doing it what you know I mean like he goes like to delicatessens it's hilarious so I gave him heckles Stoppers because they uh Hey kid you know get out and so I said you have to learn to say things hey you where you from Texas well they're so full in Texas my guy had an enema they buried him a shoe box and the guy said [Applause] Jesus may love you but you're a I give him all these things you brought your grandson to an audition there yes and and Melissa didn't want that she was Furious what is what does your grandson want to do when he grows up does he know yet right now he's 10 he wants to be a football player but you know it's stupid what do you want him to be gay he wanted to be gay who else is gonna give a damn that I knew Judy Garland and so are you taking steps to hopefully move him towards that well I let him wear my pumps which is very hard yeah because you want a gay you I'd love to have a gay son yeah well why not Cher is very lucky she got both now you think about it Melissa's adopting now oh she is oh that's well that's got to be exciting a very good friend is Nicole Kidman okay yeah and gorgeous no human though sure but God bless it 125 feet tall three pounds oh he's in a red dress with a white face looks like a ketchup bottle walk around foreign I was wearing like a mustard dress I said look what condiments and she's adopting all these because she's one kid and she says oh she walks in Melissa's house and she says my children don't know who's you know this bull now in children who's adopted who's for real and who's adopted I treat them all the same isn't that right little Jimmy little Alice a little Benji little magoomba no so they got Melissa a kid from Australia for the summer wow that clicks it doesn't there's a click Drive in Australia do you know about this is for real I swear to God it makes the clicking noise they don't talk they click so we have Cooper and rosenbergs well it sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun the kid loves me and every time I walk and he goes and the garage door opens it closes oh shut up [Applause] I I know you uh you had you talked to our friend Don Rickles today Rickles who sent you his love and he's coming on I think a couple of weeks yes he is I love him you love him he's the best yeah he's the best well well if you speak to him again or I'll just call him myself tell him I said hello again it's great to have you here Joe Rivers everyone the best we'll be right back with Maria Menounos

Channel: Narrative Mode

Views: 18,349

Keywords:

Id: _8Jq94ywf8U

Length: 11min 45sec (705 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 12 2023