Joan Rivers - Best Moments (part four) - Lots of Heidi Abromowitz jokes

here we go all right I'm Marc from Brantford I am a 20 year old student and I become addicted to sex with women three times my age what can I do call me for her big day Ally's relying on an entourage to help her pick the right wedding dress I'm Aly Levine I'm 27 years old I'm from New York and you're waiting for a very good friend of mine who's running a little late that's okay because she's our fashionista let's eat let's eat let's eat let's see what do you guys think look like she was sitting on a toilet paper roll are those real diamonds if they were will we be sitting here [Music] what do you guys think this is why not just go right to bed yeah that's for after the after the wedding my goodness Oh buddy could you - oh I'm on it you're gonna want to see those pictures 25 years around you want to look beautiful and pretty not like a you could see the cracks through the ass I'm sure that I wanted a veil but I really feel like I know it's already time you're like unless you're gonna be a nun that you can wear a veil no I wear the veil it gave it a little traditional look just a little which will make everybody over 45 in the room very happy I was looking at myself in the mirror with a veil on and I felt like a bride my best advice to Ally is love your husband or your husband cherish your husband and get everything for the beginning in your name she broken up with a boyfriend right so she's dating a Ana and it's hard for a mother you know your kids are much too young but John Cooper and Kevin were the same age yeah yeah yeah but Melissa she showed up one night with a black man oh and I was yeah don't take this wrong I was very upset I even questioned don't take this wrong but I I didn't I can't push her didn't bring one for me [Applause] do that you a mother Oh Joan you're so funny Oh Danny from Glasgow man but I just come out as gay and so as my partner we'd like to try mutual masturbation but were too shy what should we do oh just pull yourselves together [Applause] I'm getting ready girls concert I've never done an act before and luck looks when I say where are the gays they're gonna tell us dead we killed what about si house 36 hours a man has a correction an 85 year old man for 36 hours that's devil's work and on these poor old dry out our wives and these guys on top of an Internet Internet they would set them on fire yes jump-starting your buckets called I hate everyone starting with me why write this book because hey is underestimated yes I mean love love love hate is to River you can't get herpes from hate ban from Costco how about that and it's the first comedy book ever banned I am so proud [Applause] first page the protest outside of a Costco in Los Angeles yesterday because the company refuses to sell her books due to a curse word on the back jacket she said she was going to sell them outside on her own like Girl Scout cookies though we doubt the Girl Scouts use the same sales strategy I am Rosa Parks of white people thank you we do that I don't think so I think they can kick her out while they do eventually they do but not before she goes inside and cuffs herself to a woman's shopping cart and that's when things got serious because suddenly the Costco comes and the real cops rushed to the scene with an unparalleled sense of urgency in the end Joan let peacefully but not before selling over 100 books no matter what it took I think they've made a tremendous marketing mistake if nothing else because if you sell 300 rolls of toilet paper you're gonna need to read something that's a long sit how do I look in this jewelry by the way terrible you look like a white Michael Jackson I would go out with you though oh yeah sure where's your dog ARPANET no I have no sex if you come on no you took it but you could be my younger man well like Linda Evans is up there with Yanni yeah yeah yeah well I try to younger man but stupid after sexy with smoking chocolate cigarettes everywhere I mean have you dated a celebrity feodosia I went out for a while with Mick Jagger but the lips I mean Jeff he can suck a lemon across the room I have met the Michael Jackson listen very present yeah yeah they're really in love yeah Michael Jackson shall we can be really tall come on he is been in the closet so long I would give him to Oxfam I mean do you think that's a mess it makes sense though she's from Hollywood royalty Lisa Marie right her father was King her husband is Queen and oh I thought now it'll be hugging and kissing like in the movies you walk hand in hand over the hill into the sunset you know what's on the other side of that hill filthy dishes that's what last night very good without a dry turnabout we worked together we worked on projects together so it was a family business does a fool don't you think didn't you yeah why not it's your one chance to be noticed when I was having my kid you should and that was just different conception I was the plastic surgery now did you uh you don't look exactly like the Joan Rivers I used to do yeah but I take that as a compliment I'm just kidding when I die I get to heaven and God will see those boots again heels you just put them on and you get vertigo I can't share let me these you'll probably do use them on her yeah cuz her feet are always up in the air you know great now listen were you a beautiful baby I brought pictures let's see cuz I've been watching all week I'm so tired this one's pretty that was weak excuse me large ones best actually that's a lie this was me and this is in color you were really a furry baby but you know they didn't have to dress me just to die for you to go to any weather I weighed a hundred my weight eighteen pounds seven ounces at birth at birth no other than my mother how does a fat ugly child like that my mother would say truly people would come here and there was a total beautiful baby and then they'd see me and they would add carriage I was not my parents are in shock but I'm I'm doing okay you do great oh thank God because I was at a 1/2 char they didn't expect oh come on now Oh John please they hated me really my bath toys were a toaster in a rage [Laughter] there do you ever worry about you know you pull the stuff about sort of fatness and looks over your child ever born in Larchmont New York you know looked at me looked at the afterbirth kept the afterbirth hating me they would say why can't you be a good cousin Charlotte why could you be a good cousin Sean Charlotte died at birth Heidi Klum's who's single again a German look this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens nobody likes me only men that are interested my body of morticians smells good give me a bite okay ready now suck it in while I light it the men I date now and I do date at this age don't you oh please don't treat me much better it's not just because they're older but men we just certain age I'm not going to say they have Alzheimer's they just get dumber does that make sense you know like everything drops the balls drop they hit the ground they pull the brain down with them it's like one man said to me I like you I want you to meet my family he took me to the cemetery Allen McIntyre nice - nice to meet you what's your problem Allen well my problem is I'm a magician but I just can't seem to get the ladies maybe your wand isn't big enough so you just can't find a girl can't find the right one for me now yeah will you - come on with I introduced myself and it is some tricks okay did you ever try sawing one of them in half and just keeping the bottom half - Nancy - Nancy throws have a threesome do I show to the camera Jennifer no sure to the camera this is what you do with the women that's all these are the cards you use for a woman you say to a girl she'll be sitting on your lap the body goes I took off my bra last night I killed two midgets I live in New York 30 years first time I ever saw rats laughing you know then they say art is about laughter yes so everybody in New York is laughing and that's wonderful because our main export here is blood so it's not the same thing my friend Heidi a promise train Heidi you remember her you know chapstick on her thighs I mean whose girl who's Brooke she is having an affair with a very young man not good for a woman there was an older man he's having an affair with a very young girl so she figured what's good for the man is good for the woman's wish but it doesn't work out you said it's awful after sex he goes all done all done [Laughter] a little young that's too young I just wouldn't want her to see my underwear I bet well my body might have no bazooms you know that we're back right at my wedding night and get ripped up my blouse and screen you've been robbed but you know why cuz you need to look good in California especially you better have a good body my friend Heidi a brown boy's head the woman is a with a goodbye the woman is a her towel say kids and herpes coddled eggs when the air so often her feet a sunburn came down the chimney she was lying there waiting this Bank she buys a pregnancy test by the six-pack she would have been here tonight but something came up her dress hello I'm Joan Rivers subsequent to the completion the trivia that you are about to view I received notification with a law firm representing Miss heidi.brown with's claiming slander defamation of character and gross untruths and inaccuracies regarding their client in order to help avoid any further legal action the management is Showtime as well as my own counsel have insisted that I read the following disclaimer to whom it may concern when the tribute to hydia Brown was was filmed the sole intent was to entertain into anima sabramowicz the producers and I sincerely regret several misunderstandings and portrayals and evidently caused her embarrassment pain and mental anguish to it the following one when I suggested that mr. Brown was a and her goal in life was to have sex with a parade I did not specify the size of the parade okay I mean they're a parade parades and there are your regular parades okay I didn't mean the May Day Parade I didn't mean the Rose Bowl parade I meant more like maybe player or a Shriners thing big yes but but not unwieldy - but I suggested that Heidi was a trap and that her legs have been apart longer than Simon and Garfunkel I was only generalizing I am the first to admit there was confusion pinpointing the exact date that Simon and Garfunkel split some say was ten years ago others claimed six seven tops okay so I'm sorry Heidi sorry art a good move Paul why split the bucks with over the count three four and five what I suggested that Heidi was a that have been on more beds and cannon sheets been tied up more times in trigger and I've been on her knees more often al jolson I exaggerated satin and I went to the LA public library and checked al jolson has beaten Heidi by three times I hereby publicly apologized to Miss Abramowitz the inconveniences I have allegedly caused evidently my inferring that she was a resulted her losing her permanent parking space at the free clinic losing her summer job as a ride at Disneyland and most importantly losing the respect of the one thing she truly loved and longed to hold close to her New Jersey I understand that this is the first time Heidi's had such pain as her gynecologist used a second baseman's glove so I'm sorry Heidi publicly I repeat I am sorry I meant no harm it's Abramowitz okay satisfied now good so much okay thank you very much you know what I don't care she's not trans do you hear me I don't can't throw me in jail this girl's a she's a I want the world to know Krazy Glue can't keep her knees together okay she uses sniff and scratch business cards her panty liners around her ankles how Betty like Thome a son of I've never been a son how are you ding is listed as a mistress Tony G touch miss I died of a bizarre old brown hair she got 12 do that for me later Deema

Channel: moonlightmusic

Views: 224,089

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Id: WSuAHxvwHfI

Length: 17min 48sec (1068 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 04 2019