Jo Koy: Comedy Central Presents - Full Special

from new york city comedy central presents joe mccoy [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] wow i can't believe i got the nicest new yorkers here in this theater i'm not used to it i'm from l.a you know what i mean new york people are just rude they don't care ask for the time like hey what time is it la they don't care we're just a bunch of you know we're phony out there people lie to you they don't care lie to you what do you do i'm an actress i'm an actress i'm an actress and that's a dude saying that it's like yo [Applause] won't you get would you get me some fries to act like a waiter and get me some fries how can you take la sirius though you know what i mean our governor is arnold i mean seriously that's like ah how can you take that seriously we got he's really saying something there we go remember when he was talking about the board we're going to build the bulldog the mexican don't even speak english what the hell are you saying i love it here in new york it's just people are a little aggressive i'm not used to it man i i people are quick to fight out here yeah man it's like you got a problem ah i just want to know where the grocery store is sorry sorry lady [Applause] plus i can't fight dude i'm i'm a i i'm a dude i don't even know how to stand at the beginning of a fight you know i mean like when they're yelling at you i just i'm a dude [Laughter] i can't fight dude if you don't know how to fight here's the thing don't take self-defense classes don't buy a gun don't do anything just just scream who's gonna find a guy screaming at the top of his lungs like right when he's about to punch you just one who's gonna find a guy screaming like a i'll pull my pants down and start peeing [Applause] i am a dude i don't care you guys are laughing but you're thinking to yourself that might work [Applause] i wish we could fight like monkeys man when monkeys get mad they crap in their hand and they throw it how cool is that who's gonna find a guy with a lump of crap in his hand think about it the final stop right when it begins it's like are you sure you want to do this it's a lot of corn i'll throw no one's gonna fight a guy with a lump of crap in his hand even a guy with a gun will be like hey put that crap down put the crap down now i'll throw it [Music] i'm such a when i walk to my car i put my keys i put my keys in my face i don't even know if this works give me your card no one time i put all my keys i'm the wolverine [Applause] i'm asian by the way so quit looking at me like a math problem i'm actually filipino that's an iowa filipino filipina don't clap that's my mom my mom's filipino that's the crazy thing about filipinos we're asians we just look mexican yeah we look mexican but the way you can tell is just our p's and our f's like my mom's been living in this country for 36 years she still can't get her p's and her abs right to save her life she could see him just at the wrong time like growing up she'd be like joseph joseph do you want breakfast huh huh joseph do you want breakfast and she always do this dip i don't even know where this is just at what do you want breakfast aren't you okay do you want breakfast do you want do you want some frosted plagues joseph you hear that all your life you're like what the are you talking about [Applause] my mom would put me in talent shows that's why i'm doing this stuff you know what i mean she put me in town it was the worst man she always put me in townships because everyone in my family is saying i had an uncle that sang everybody's saying then my mom would put my sister and i in these talent shows my sister can sing me i can do anything i was just be behind her doing the robot my mom would be like break down joseph i'm like i hate her one time she was like joseph i have to talk to you for a second come here come here to a sadness i was like 13. joseph i have to talk to you about something what is it mom well it's just that everybody in the family has talent your uncle he has talent your sister has a talent but you you don't you don't have any you just do that what is that i don't even know what that is justin you just keep breaking down i don't and i was like 13 you know what i mean and this is when my mom found out i had some kind of talent like i was taking a shower okay when you're 13 you don't really take a shower you're kind of like i mean you're washing stuff but it's usually like right around this area right here when you're 13 that's all you wash for about 45 minutes [Applause] and my mom's like wow he has been in there for a long time i hope he's okay maybe maybe i should check on him see if he's hurt or something and she opens the door and catches me going at it and she's like oh my god joseph put down your finesse put it down you're going to go blind so i'm 13 and i didn't want to get caught so i had to play it off and i was like like when i was a kid michael jackson was like the big thing like everyone was dancing like and i was like no i'm doing michael jackson [Applause] and my mom was like oh my god that's talent i guess i know where my mom's coming from you know what i mean because i got a three-year-old son yeah i mean it's like living with a crazy yeah i mean i see where my mom's coming for because i'm looking for talent now yeah man cause he's crazy three-year-olds are crazy you know any crazy people talk to themselves crazy people laugh at their own jokes crazy people poop on themselves that's my son i'm just watching tv he'll come running in the room daddy daddy i got an auto over there i got a power ranger and then he said on this thing and then he goes daddy abcd elemental daddy like where the hell is his helmet [Applause] it's crazy if you got a three-year-old get him back all right i can't wait for my son to turn 16. i'm gonna do the same thing to him i mean when he comes home with his friends like hey dad can i brought all the keys to the car ah i gotta hold him [Applause] his friends are like what the hell is wrong with your dad and why is he wearing that helmet girls are smarter than boys by the way you know that right it's a proven fact girl they're smarter though the reason why is i got a friend that had a daughter the same time i did but she's been talking for two years now articulate too like mommy can i have a sandwich and i was like wow there's a d in sandwich [Applause] and every time we go over there she shows off mommy can we go upstairs and play with my toys mommy little joe wants to go outside and swing on my swings mommy little joe's hungry can we get something to eat mommy and she's like yeah we can get something to eat but what does little joe want what do you want to eat little joe i want a peanut butter [Applause] he wants a sandwich where's his helmet it's around here i buy this kid every toy in the book every toy every toy you can think of i bought it for him guess what he plays with his mo with the most his penis he can't stop playing with his penis it's the best one he can't wait and he pulls it out and daddy look at my chin he can't talk but he named it his ting ting daddy what changed [Applause] his favorite toy is thomas the train his favorite train is percy the train guess what he calls it pushy pushy pushy pushy pushy daddy i want pushing and i know you guys are thinking to yourself oh big deal it's just pushy but just imagine me pushing him in a shopping cart at toys r us he's yelling pushy pushy pushy pushy while he's tucking on his ting ting try explaining that to security for a half hour when you have a kid you realize that women are the toughest creatures on earth tougher than men hands down you guys are tougher than men you guys have babies you know i mean you can't beat that and see there's men in here like what are you talking about you're tougher than me i used to play football that's tough football you think you're tough because you catch a football that's tough that ain't tough let a football come out of your ass that stuff [Applause] sit in the delivery room having a baby are you there no i could top a baby are you serious i went in tough you know i mean i went in i had a hat that said coach i went into i was like oh yeah push push i said stuff like we can do it i'm doing crap push push and then this head starts to pop out i don't care how tough you are once that head pops out you turn into the biggest in the delivery room push push okay here he comes here okay push oh my god uh oh push oh my god push she's gonna die oh [Applause] eight pounds six ounces eight pounds six ounces and here's the thing about guys you see your baby coming eight pounds six ounces you see how big it gets we don't go oh here comes my son or here comes my daughter we don't think like that we see how big it gets we're like man she lied right you know how many times she stopped me in the middle and said oh my god you're hurting me shut what if you talk there's no move i can do to top eight pounds six ounces there's no what i can start from the back of the room eight pounds six ounces you can't top eight pounds six ounces there's nothing a guy can do to top eight pounds six ounces she won there's nothing eight pounds ago this is what it looked like right here eight pounds six ounces what am i gonna do with that me inside that is like a like a flashlight in a cave [Applause] it's so fun though when you have a kid like a little boy man i mean the crazy thing about having a son or just having a kid is they can do they can cry for anything yeah you know what i mean to cry for anything like it should be the smallest thing and they'll cry like someone just died in the family you know they don't care and they'll do it anywhere at the mall they don't care they don't care that people are looking at you and you're being a good dad because you don't want to give him a cookie because he hasn't had lunch yet he'll cry he doesn't care daddy can i have a cookie no you haven't had lunch yet i and then he'll pause and you think he's done crying but he's not he's just building up more air to throw this bigger yell at you like people are walking by like get him a cookie bad enough he's wearing a helmet that's something we should never grow out of you know like he got the cookie he won we should always cry for stuff we want you know i mean if you're in bed and you want sex and she won't give it to you like can we do it tonight not tonight i'm kind of tired [Applause] your neighbors are gonna be like just have sex with them [Applause] happy mother's day all the mothers out there happy mother's day by the way i mean that from the bottom of my heart too man happy mother's day when you have a kid you just man it's like wow that deserves a day you know i mean like i know there's guys in here like oh what are you talking about father's day just passed father's day no no that doesn't deserve a day mother's day deserves a day that's the day a woman became a mom you know what i mean that's when some dude walked out of her like she deserves a necklace all right that's a day mother's day father's day what are you talking about that doesn't deserve a day father's day is just a day that a bunch of guys walked around was like we deserve a day you had your day you had your father's day it was that day you made love to her and she looked at you and she went go ahead and leave it happy father's day remember how happy you were that day some of us farted deserves that day man women are awesome everything about the woman is just beautiful you know what i mean i love everything about the woman like you can tell god took his time when he made the woman you know i mean like he just you can tell see that women are work of art especially the the vagina it's just it's perfection like you can just tell he was in heaven just like he had a beret on he was just [Applause] and jesus was behind and going yeah daddy yeah [Applause] look at my ting ting [Applause] and god was like calm down jesus christ it's beautiful you know what i mean but what happened to the penis what happened what was god in a rush that day was he out of time it's the penis is the ugliest thing in the world it's like he had a handful of clay and they were like hey god we need something for the dudes quick he was like died [Applause] the penis is the ugliest thing in the world the vagina makes an end when you pull the panties down it makes an entrance like ooh ha where have you been the penis you pull the underwear down it's like a drunk friend falling out of a car that's my time ladies and gentlemen [Applause] so [Music] [Music] uh [Music] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 863,167

Keywords: Jo Koy, Jo Koy comedian, Jo Koy Comedy Central Full Special, Jo Koy standup, Jo Koy and Chelsea Handler, Jo Koy Easter Sunday, joy koy full stand up, joy koy accent, Comedy Central Presents, Jo Koy special, Jo Koy stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, special, full special, LA, Los Angeles, monkeys, Filipino, talent, talent show, mom, mother, accent, childhood, son, train, ting ting, god, creation, funny, funny video, jokes, funny jokes, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: bs98DQ9MeSs

Length: 21min 22sec (1282 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 05 2022