Jingle All The Way: A Christmas Battle Royale

uh yes it's that time of year again that special time where we watch Christmas movies that make us nostalgic for a Time Gone by stories that warm our heart like a cup of cocoa or maybe we just want to watch an elf get bullied for wanting to be a dentist no matter what the reason we all have specials that are near and dear to our heart despite their uh imperfections anyone remember that part in Santa Claus is coming to town when Kris Kringle sang about how the orphan kids should sin in his lap and give him a kiss [Music] while everyone has their own personal favorite specials and all of them except for me are wrong the one thing we can all agree on is that once this season passes none of us will think of any of these movies until next November for me though there's one Christmas Tale that is just so potent full of so many Indescribable images that it transcends the memory hole of December and its scenes will frequently appear in my brain at any time of the year that isn't even a joke for the video it can be in the middle of July and the line nobody likes you booster will just appear in my head I'm of course talking about the historical drama jingle all the way I'm gonna deck your Halls bump now you probably know what this movie is or you don't it stars Arnold himself the star of hit films like Kindergarten Cop and Junior and nothing else this time though he won't simply have to battle children in the miracle of childbirth Arnold will now have to deal with new Terrors suburbanite Shoppers Sinbad and Phil Hartman trying to his wife foreign We Begin our Christmas film as all classics begin like this [Music] in this world the greatest character around is Turbo Man he has a jet pack he shoots these things and he has a boomerang he's not as cool as my favorite character booster the pink cat thing sadly this isn't the actual movie it's simply a TV show that this kid is watching hey I know that face it's that kid all those nerdy man children bullied into having a drug addiction Jake Lloyd where do I know that name if you couldn't tell Turbo Man is kind of a combination of every cool superhero a kid would like and also Power Rangers because Power Rangers rocked anyway it's Christmas time everyone is getting drunk and banging at the office Christmas party it's just like the Puritans warned us about but like a good Christian boy we see the hero of our tale Howard Langston continuing on with his Protestant work ethic the most unrealistic aspect of this entire movie is that this man's name is Howard Langston he's Arnold you know it I know it Arnold prioritizes work over everything else like Tom Brady he has a history of pretty much missing every important event in his kid's life and the ramifications of being an absent father are already being realized the kid's a Marvel fan Arnold decides that traffic is for wimps and that he's a true stud so he bypasses all the traffic because he's policy he doesn't stay stuck in traffic like you sorry you missed the karate class today but don't worry I got it all on video what would I do this movie is that classic Dynamic of an overworked dad that ignores his family he didn't go last year or the year before but what was so important on the other Christmases Arnold what do you actually do are you are you Santa were you the one that Tim Allen killed that fateful December mourn to make up for being a negligent Father Arnold whips out the oldest trick in the book by his son's affection and even though turbo man is like literally this kid's entire personality Arnold has to ask him again what he really wants for Christmas it sure is a mystery so yeah there you go that's the premise Arnold has to get a very popular toy to make things up with his kid and it just happens to be the most popular toy of the season because at this point they'd probably be impossible to find if you've ever had to Bath someone's brain in for the opportunity to get a PS5 then you know perfectly well the plot of this movie there's a limited stock and its survival of the fittest in the shopping hellscape now I don't want to just recap what happens and jingle all the way mainly because it's only an hour and a half and the plot is incredibly simple like it's just Arnold running around trying to get a doll not getting that doll and then running to the next objective to not get a doll now that I think about it this is like the same basic plot Bethesda used for their Fallout games twice this is a Christmas movie where everyone is an antagonist in his quest for a turbo Man doll Arnold will have to face down a collection of challengers in many ways this is like John Wick or Scott Pilgrim except not at all you want to trade just give me a call dead the neighbor Tad is Arnold's neighbor he's like Ned Flanders if Ned Flanders openly every stay-at-home mom in town and I mean openly just doesn't seem to be working you being such a handyman sure I've got just the tool for the job Ted uses his handyman charm to uh swamp recipes with every wife within a five block radius all the lands have been conquered all except for Arnie's wife while Arnold wages away Ted has been working to overthrow him from his own domain putting up the Christmas lights eating the cookies oh these cookies I gotta get the recipe from left put that cookie down now even attempting to top Arnold's tree with a star the audacity nothing is sacred to Ted he'll invade your home steal your woman Ted is perfect for those wishing to play a stealth Mane however if you're aiming for strength I would avoid him considering he gets taken out by eggnog to the noggin that didn't exactly go as well as I'd hoped for that I'm going to rate him a c tier threat physically but for a psychological damage he's a solid a Sinbad Sinbad has a character name but just like Arnold I'm not gonna use that name I don't even remember what he was called he's Sinbad so Sinbad is in the same spot as Arnold he's a dad who has to get a turbo man for his kid too they will now be the greatest enemies for the rest of the afternoon Cosmic levels of Fate have intertwined them like lost maybe it's because I have trash taste but I think Sinbad's the best part of this movie cause I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable he has a pretty good Dynamic with Arnold who kind of just stands there and tolerates everything this crazy man says is that not the true Spirit of Christmas this is a true battle of Minds each side one-upping and foiling the other but neither getting the Ultimate Prize [Music] they're just two doofuses stuck in a problem of their own Creation in fact my favorite part of this movie is when things slow down and they just talk in a diner but of course for my old man Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down the Turbo Man dolls aren't the important thing in this they're simply there to show that they listen to their kid here's to you Dad which let's be honest Arnold does not listen to his kid he wouldn't have needed to ask this kid why he wanted for Christmas in the first place if he did Sinbad is equal to Arnold in all levels except for Speed mainly because he's so over-encumbered with loot and as a mailman he will on occasion use his packages for an advantage something I call an IED what's that this master track star it's a homemade explosive device because that's what it is he pulls out an IED kill the bomb no I didn't have to build a bomb don't you read the news hundreds of these things but you know it's it's a Christmas movie so it has to be a bluff even tries it a second time wackly bamboozling all the police officers the holiday Shoppers the world of jingle all the way is desperate and frantic Arnold becoming another Cog in the machine joining to fight tooth and nail to get the hottest gift of the 1996 holiday season [Music] is this what John capitalism envisioned when he first invented money in 1952 I don't think so it's a force of nature that cannot be possibly defeated but it can be controlled retail employees the poor retail workers and jingle all the way are fighters of their own they aren't simply Stepped On by the crowd though that does happen a lot we see that they take Avid enjoyment in the suffering of their customers and I don't just mean laughing in Arnold's face because he doesn't know how popular Turbo Man is I'm talking about how they smirk a little bit when people get angry the new list price on each figure just doubled this show is malicious the cop that suffers there's a cop that pops up throughout the film he keeps getting caught up in Arnold's Shenanigans from time to time now the movie makes us want to think that this cop is the bad guy but in my personal opinion I think he's the hero because he was pulled over in the first place Arnold was reminded that he needed to get the doll and the events of the movie took place if Arnold was actually on time to that karate event Christmas Eve would have came and went and then on Christmas morning there wouldn't be a doll so you know what thank you nameless police officer you saved this guy's marriage powered but how does Arnold repay this man he runs over his bike he commits a terrorist act and then finally treats him like a barista at Starbucks once again The Thin Blue Line has been destroyed by Christmas cheer recite the alphabet A B C backwards the Santa cartel a local mall Santa overheard that Arnold was in a bit of a predicament and has a certain offer for him that was taken this morning nothing weird about that so they all travel in Arnold's car down to the weird Warehouse it's like the start of a horror movie I know what you're thinking no you have no idea honestly I think Arnold is taking this a bit too lightly a bunch of grown men in a warehouse outside of town all dressed identically the same this is a cult and a shocking twist the Shady Santas sell Arnold a broken Turbo Man Arnold goes on this movie's equivalent of the church scene from Kingsman [Music] [Music] after breaking into Ted's house and desecrating his idols everyone agrees to leave Arnold behind as they go to the big Christmas parade turbo man's gonna be there Arnold tried to steal a child's present and punched a reindeer so he doesn't get to go see turbo man you can't bench press your way out of this one the All Is Lost moment in this movie lasts probably like two minutes Arnold drinks his beer collects himself and goes to the parade to win back his family a series of wacky circumstances later and he's stuck in a rubber suit against his will much like an M Night Shyamalan twist Arnold was actually Turbo Man the entire time I've always loved the climax of this movie Arnold goes from absolutely loathing this dumb superhero to fully accepting it and I mean how can you not listen that soundtrack [Music] this random Christmas Parade in Minneapolis puts the Macy's Thanksgiving one to shame it's almost like Turbo Man was a Conquering Hero a modern day Caesar when I was a kid I thought all parades were like this I was in for a disappointment through sheer done luck and the magic of rushing to the finale this bumbling fool has found himself dressed as his son's favorite character much like the time my dad dressed up as my favorite character Big Bird and gave me a surprise because this man couldn't possibly do anything himself the universe bestows upon him a turbo man right in front of him this is certainly The Nostalgia talking but I always remembered the events of this movie being longer and more impactful so every time I would watch this as a kid and he would finally get the doll I don't know why it would just feel so satisfying like I was making up for being neglectful to my son this is the Christmas version of Frodo reaching Mount Doom his son finally gets the doll but much like Return of the King there's one last challenge something I call Sinbad Requiem he is now so powerful he can push the boundaries of a PG rating upon killing booster and leaving him to die at the hands of the local youth Sinbad fights Arnold one-on-one for the doll these were made for a Christmas parade right this is a battle truly for the ages Tata Turtle Man who installed the weapons did they just make actual Power Armor All for a kids show through the rejection of Sinbad Arnold has broken this man he has now resorted to committing a lot of felonies he's really lucky that Arnold was there to save the kid from falling to his death or this wacky Christmas Adventure would have ended with a much different tone despite almost never making it to the double digits in age Arnold's kid instantly forgives his almost murderer for all that child endangerment stuff showing that this wasn't just about the doll it was about the friends we made along the way but Jamie I thought you wanted this doll more than anything what golfer that is so damn corny I love it that's cute and all my main question now is what is the kid actually going to get for Christmas an ever-present Father Figure is a good gift and all but that's more of an intangible relationship concept you know so did Arnold get him anything else is this child just content now that his dad won't abandon him I guess sometimes the greatest victories are just barely meeting the lowest of expectations sure when school comes around he won't have his neat toy to show off but at least he can look his bullies right in the face and say this universe is equivalent of my dad works at Nintendo foreign [Music]

Channel: PointlessHub

Views: 661,926

Keywords: Jingle All the Way: A Christmas Battle Royale, Battle Royale, Jingle All the Way, Jingle All the Way PointlessHub, PointlessHub, PointlessHub Transformers, Transformers, Jingle All the Way Sinbad, Turbo Man, Christmas classics, Christmas movie review, Jingle All the Way Review, Jingle All the Way Funny, Arnold movie, Turbo Man doll, Sinbad christmas, christmas, christmas pointlesshub

Id: egc0jA_c_Lo

Length: 15min 55sec (955 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 19 2022