MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE STAND-UP COMEDIANS. PLEASE WELCOME THE LOVELY AND TALENTED MR. JIM GAFFIGAN. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME BACK, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. WE HAD KIND OF A MANLY KIND OF-- KIND OF A MANLY STILTED HANDSHAKE OVER THERE. I WASN'T SURE WHETHER TO GO IN >> I'M NOT AFFECTIONATE. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE FIVE CHILDREN, SIR. >> I'M TRYING TO RAISE CREATIVE CHILDREN SO I'M WITHDRAWING WHENEVER I CAN, WITHDRAW I THINK THAT WILL MAKE SOME MUSICIANS. WHAT DO YOU THINK, BAND, WILL IT WORK? >> Stephen: A FATHER'S JOB IS TO BE DISTANT, AUTHORITATIVE AND NEVER QUITE PLEASED. THAT'S WAY THE CHILDREN CAN UNDERSTAND GOD. >> THAT'S RIGHT. THAT ANSWER. >> Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR NETFLIX SPECIAL "CINCO." >> YES. >> Stephen: "CINCO." NOT BECAUSE OF CINCO DE MAYO BUT >> Stephen: NOW IT'S GOING TO BE AN ALBUM, ALSO CALLED "CINCO," RIGHT THERE. <i>( APPLAUSE ).</i> >> YUP. >> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT IF-- IF I'VE SEEN YOUR NETFLIX SPECIAL AND I LOVED IT. >> YES. >> Stephen: WHAT AM I GETTING FROM THE ALBUM I DIDN'T GET FROM THE SPECIAL? >> WELL, THE ALWUM'S ALL IN SPANISH WHICH I THOUGHT WAS-- NO, THE ALBUM, WE MADE A POINT-- MY WIFE AND I WRITE EVERYTHING TOGETHER, AND WE MADE A POINT OF INCLUDING COMMENTARY TRACKS ON EACH INDIVIDUAL TRACK WHERE WE TALK -- >> Stephen: IS IT-- BECAUSE IT'S A DOUBLE ALBEM BUM. >> SO THERE ARE TWO ALBUM S. >> Stephen: IS IT EVERY OTHER TRACK? >> IT'S TWO DIFFERENT ALBUMS. IT'S JUST FOR THE COMEDY NERD THAT'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, HE HAS JOKES ON BREAD. WHAT WERE HE AND HIS WIFE THINKING ABOUT?" THERE ARE NO JOKES ON BREAD. THAT'S ON A DIFFERENT ALBUM! THERE ARE COMMENTARY TRACTION, SOME BACKGROUND ON WHAT WE CAME UP WITH, WHAT INSPIRED THE JOKE. >> Stephen: IT'S LIKE THE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY ON A DVD. >> VERY MUCH. AND THERE'S ALSO BONUS-- THERE'S A BONUS TRACK OF MY-- I'M KNOWN AS THIS KIND OF DAD COMEDIAN, BUT MY FIRST STAND-UP, YOU KNOW, SIX MINUTES THAT I DID ON CAROLINE'S COMEDY HOUR WAS ALL MATERIAL ABOUT MY DAD WHERE I MADE FUN OF MY DAD. >> Stephen: THAT'S NIECE. >> SO I INCLUDED THAT ON THE ALBUM. >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. WE TALKED BEFORE. YOU'RE A CATHOLIC. I'M A CATHOLIC. >> I'M A CATHOLIC. I'M NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC. >> Stephen: ARE THERE-- ARE THERE GOOD CATHOLICS? >> WELL, THERE ARE -- >> Stephen: A GOOD CATHOLIC WOULD NOT CONSIDER HIMSELF A GOOD CATHOLIC. >> RIGHT. WELL THAT'S PROBABLY WHY THERE'S NOT A TEST, RIGHT? LIKE, IF THERE WAS A TEST FOR CATHOLICS, NO ONE WOULD PASS. >> Stephen: THERE IS, JIM. >> THERE IS? ( APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: THERE'S A FINAL EXAM. >> THERE IS? >> Stephen: THERE'S A FINAL EXAM AT THE END OF IT. "PENCILS DOWN, GENTLEMEN, PENCILS DOWN!" >> THAT'S WHAT BEING AN OLD PERSON IS ALL ABOUT. THAT'S WHY CHURCH IS FILLED WITH OLD PEOPLE. THEY'RE CRAMMING IN IT AT THE END, RIGHT. >> Stephen: CHOOS EXACTLY-- >> "I'M HERE! I'M HERE! TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR SOME TIME, MAKE UP FOR MY 20s." >> Stephen: WE'VE TALKED POPE. >> YES. >> Stephen: WE'VE TALKED FRANCIS. WE BOTH LIKE FRANCIS. >> I LIKE FRANCIS. >> Stephen: DID YOU SEE WHEN OUR PRESIDENT WAS RECENTLY ON HIS BRIEF WORLD TOUR THERE, HE STOPPED BY THE VATICAN AND HE WAS THERE WITH THE POPE. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE REACTION? >> I THINK OF THE POPE AS SOMEBODY WHO-- WHO IS-- YOU KNOW, HE'S FOCUSE FOCUSED ON MER AND I'VE NEVER SEEN THE POPE LOOK MORE MISERABLE. ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S-- I MEAN, YOU KNOW LIKE WHEN YOU'RE A KID AND YOU HAD TO KISS YOUR AUNT AND SHE HLIKE, FACIAL HAIR? THAT'S WHAT THE POPE KIND OF-- HE LOOKED SAD. BUT HE'S LIKE-- I GUESS HIM BEING NICE TO TRUMP, HE'S LIKE, "MAYBE THIS WILL COUNT AS ONE OF MY MIRACLES." RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW? >> Stephen: WELL, YEAH. >> YOU KNOW? >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S-- THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE YEAH, BECAUSE MIRACLES-- LIKE IF SOMEBODY BECOMES A SAINT-- LIKE IS JOHN PAUL II A SAINT YET? >> I THINK-- YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT UP TO ME. >> Stephen: I THINK THEY DID. I THINK THEY GAVE-- I THINK THEY FAST TRACKED JOHN PAUL II THROUGH VENERABLE, BLESSED, AND STRAIGHT TO SAINT. AND YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE, LIKE TWO OR THREE-- >> YOU NEED TWO MIRACLES. >> Stephen: TWO MIRACLES-- ASSOCIATED WITH YOU. >> I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S TWO. IT'S NOT LIKE HALF OF US WOULD BE, "YOU KNOW, IF IT WAS ONE, I'D GO FOR IT, BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT THING WITH MY ELBOW." YOU KNOW? ( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF SAINTS, WHERE I LIVE, DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN, IS WHERE THE FIRST AMERICAN SAINT IS BURIED. HIS ST.-- NOW I CAN'T THINK -- >> Stephen: HE'S ON THE DOORS OF ST. PATRICK'S. >> ST. -- >> Stephen: ELIZABETH ANN SETON IS THE FIRST AMERICAN SAINT. >> NO, HE WAS A SLAVE. >> Stephen: WHAT? >> HE WAS A SLAVE. >> Stephen: HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN EARLIER THAN HER BUT SHE WAS THE FIRST SAINT. I PROMISE YOU. >> HE WAS A SAINT, AND HE WAS A HAIRDRESSER. HE WAS A HAIRDRESSER, AND HE IS AT ST. PATRICK'S CANADA CA NEEDERAL. >> Stephen: IT WAS ST. PAUL MITCHELL. ST. VIDAL SASSOON. YOU KNOW WHAT? TWITTER IS GOING TO LET YOU KNOW. BUT HE WAS A HAIRDRESS GLER WE'LL TAKE A BREAK. YOU CAN STICK AROUND FOR ANOTHER THING. >> WHEN HOE GOT DONE CUTTING PEOPLE'S HAIR, THEY WERE LIKE, "THIS IS A MIRACLE." >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT
Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring"