Jeff Dunham’s 2020 YouTube REWIND | JEFF DUNHAM

uh [Music] hello everyone i'm walter pandemic used to be something we all knew could never happen but now it's real life and everyone's biggest concern seems to be how they're gonna wipe their butts you dumbasses get a hose can't we just take 2020 unplug it and reboot we are here to give you our thoughts on this terrible situation which we are all going through together yep cause i'm good at thinking about stuff and we're all in this together and i'm here to help out with some tips and ideas on how to stay safe and be healthy because you know we're gonna be fine i'm gonna be fine i'll be i'll be fine i'll i'll i'll be fine you're gonna be fine whatever where do we start this makes that time i caught hoof and mouth disease seem like an office party they keep telling us to use common sense i don't know what that means but apparently it doesn't work because here we are okay they say don't panic everything's gonna be fine just don't panic don't don't panic don't panic if it's fine it's fine it's fine everything's fine you can prevent corona virus by drinking only american beer because there's no such thing as budweiser disease or coors contagion yeah or michelob microbe or bush virus uh well that's different i call it that twofold as a lot of you know my side job is being a greeter at walmart thanks to this pandemic i have now altered my usual salutation welcome to walmart get yourself but if you get near me i'll stab you in the neck okay you can prevent caring about the coronal virus by drinking a lot of american beer true that's true yeah and that's where i am right now these virus can be killed by household bleach alcohol and plastic explosives true story wearing a mask will not keep you from getting the virus hey this reminds me of that time i got some bad hooch all i know is you're not supposed to touch anything like like a package or in the mail if something comes in the mail you don't touch it don't touch it don't touch it you can make your hand sanitizer out of vodka and then lick your hands safely just leave it on the front porch and you spray with lysol and and then you get purell and then dump a bucket of puree on the package keep washing your hands until they feel like they're going to fall off yeah like that but don't touch the package because you don't know what the mailman has it it's fine it's fine it's fine if you ask me the folks hoarding all the hand sanitizers are the real ass wipes it's better to be a hoarder than a [ __ ] i haven't seen hoarding like this since the dead dracar cologne came out and here's the big thing don't touch your face don't touch your face don't let your face wash your hands don't touch your face you should wash your hands for 20 seconds which ironically is the same amount of time than it takes me to uh uh oh this is awkward no officer i am transporting all of this alcohol and nitroglycerin to make hand sanitizer yeah that's it they say the most effective skin sanitizers are 70 alcohol so if you drink 90 proof whiskey just lick anything to clean it i'm a damn genius gasoline is not a hand sanitizer or a gargle or a seasoning guilty on three counts your honor [Music] i heard the disease comes from china so eat off paper plates stop calling coronavirus a minefield a minefield is a minefield since this thing is called a pandemic it must have started with a panda what aren't pandas from china no i don't know my wife just told me she's negative yes she is about everything i hope the coronavirus test is true false and not fill in the blank cause that s.a.t was a [ __ ] don't touch your face don't touch your face i have an itch and you have to touch my face do not touch your face or yourself in public especially in a school zone just don't touch your face don't don't touch your face and i dust my face don't touch your eyes nose or mouth cop had me do that once fail if you see something don't say something just cough on the [ __ ] i have to touch my face i swear i have to touch my face i love touching my face i love touching my face i miss touching my face self-isolate stay home from work that one kills me okay twist my arm if non-essential government employees will have to stay home does that mean no more bernie sanders i touch my face they say cover your mouth when you sneeze so i guess i should cover my nose when i cough i sucked at biology too the people at the most risk of infection are the elderly this is one of the few times that i want to stay in the box i don't care anymore if you're out in public you need to avoid getting near any of the idiots who are out in public minimize your risk of exposure i'm pretty sure that means zip it up how am i going to minimize my risk of exposure every part of me is exposed i guess i'll wear my turban on my face to end this pandemic we must abide by appropriate social distancing which means staying away from everyone by at least six feet that's right everyone [Music] hey come here no yeah come here what we're not exactly six feet apart no i'm too short pretty much okay [Applause] thank you how are you doing doing pretty good how are you i'm fine that's good that's good that's good hang on isn't this dangerous what pinned him you're not 16 away what's 60 what's 63 six days stop it don't touch my face wait is that the same thing well you're not supposed to touch your face but can you touch somebody else's face peanut can i touch your face too many consonants wasted j e f is just but it's just [Music] why is it always a guy's name with too many consonants on the end [Music] oh guys you never hear girls you ever hear elizabeth what was your name jas and then oh there you go jazz jasmine [Applause] hey as long as i get you changed all our livestock passwords i did why uh security maintenance did you just make that up i think so okay so you changed all three to new passwords yes i did okay the backstage wi-fi the tour of the squad thigh and the wi-fi at home that's correct okay uh and this time what i made them passwords unusual so we would remember them but they couldn't be guessed easily great yeah the one two three four was kind of stupid now i didn't do that i know brother jay did but he still forgot it right yeah so what's the tax code so the wi-fi backstage i can't tell you what i can't tell you why not why not what why can't you tell me tell you what the password i just did no you didn't yes i did what is it i can't tell you why not why not what why can't you tell me i just did are you insane no then what's the task or i can't tell you jerk what do you think jerk why i'm asking for one single password for our wi-fi x8 and you should have it what is it i can't tell you i hate you are we good fine fine fine fine fine can i have the one for the dust yes what's that one i don't remember why not why not what why can't you're a number no i don't remember okay like don't you remember i do okay okay so what is it i don't remember holy crap did you write it down why should i in case you forgot it i won't forget it clearly you just did no i didn't then what's the task i don't remember we had three wi-fi networks yes and you made up all the tax cards i did and you know them all by heart and i should have them too of course you should what is the task or to the why backstage i can't tell you what's the one for the bus i don't remember the other ones of the house yes and what is that one you have to guess it i can't guess it well of course not so what is it you have to guess it i can't you're making no sense i'm making no sense you're making no sense i don't know what to say to you what's advice i attach her to the house you have to guess it screw you i don't deserve that i asked you through the task of the backstage yes you said i can't tell you yes then i asked the deter lost when you said i don't remember also correct and now the one for the house you say you have to guess it you got them all perfectly would you like to see the passwords in black and white yes i would they're on my computer can i go look of course thanks oh wait what what's the task or three computer who's asking i am you're what i'm asking for the password on your computer who's asking hello i'm right here computer password who's asking [Laughter] peanut is asking well never mind maybe i should ask your mother what'd you say ask your mother unless you went for my cell phone this is not six feet i'm sorry joe am i harassing you sexually i could always just send you a picture please don't do that again yes okay is everyone here hair present uh we're still waiting for bubba j of course why are we doing this as you all know our social media accounts are being trolled by someone named voldemort is a weenie there's a funny name ah the online jerk i hate that infidel scum of pond water ah there's bubba j i cannot hear him we can't hear you stupid thing will unmute how do i get it to unmute you just did oh i did oh okay it's this but there always has to be one [ __ ] in these group chats every single time look look oh god thanks okay yeah so two mutes equals unmute good grief zoom zoom i'm on a zoom call and i'm making a left turn papa j i can't believe i put on pants for this i hear you bro good lord hey that's three of us without pants i've never thought of that now i feel a little gross on the inside wow look at you guys this is my best dial up signal yet 56k dial up go aol okay bubba j i don't know what the big deal about video conferencing is it's just like being on the phone except you can see who has a really crappy house i win you know what the hardest thing about working from home is trying to figure out which neighbor to steal a wi-fi signal from he's an idiot but i like his thinking what are we gonna talk about today governors that suck that's my favorite one is when i watch the news and know that a lot of those elected officials are even dumber than me can't argue with that agreed bubba j just might be smarter than he looks hey do you guys smell that never mind bubba j you cannot smell over the internet i can take a whiff i'm making my own beer i call it bubba j's covered rona yeah after that i'll sell my own whiskey bubba j's pandemic paint thinner when the stock goes public i'll give you guys insider training tips no prob can we just start the meeting sorry i've called this together because we have a troll oh a troll like in the lord of the rings no like the movie trolls and that one sings better than justin timberlake but that's impossible because it is justin timberlake no you idiot there's some jerk online saying bad stuff about us well that's nothing new oh him that guy is truly even and a little humorous but those two things usually go together thank you very much all right i just sent you all a document with all the ones from him that i have found take a look i'll read the first one out well no it's about peanuts wait a second how can a guy with only one shoe stink worse than if he had a closet full of them very true even my camel is like i hope that's not me true story read another one you guys hang on this one's great peanut you look like a unicorn coughed up a hairball that's hilarious unicorns don't have balls hair hair balls sorry we could use this guy in my cyber terrorist program wait uh peanut what zoo did you break out of and can you please break back in i did nothing and we can read them out quietly this is fun let's see what the guy wrote about me okay ahmed is such a bad terrorist he couldn't even blow up an inflatable doll [Music] hey that is not true and you guys know it i have blown up many inflatable dolls i mean for a friend never mind moving on hey did you guys know that jeff can make an inflatable doll talk he made mine say naughty thing let's keep going wait i actually like this one ahmed might be dead but he looks more alive than walter what exactly if you're a dead terrorist why don't you just die already well now he's just hurting my feelings walter you want to read yours no i'll do it the hell you will wait wait this one is my favorite walter looks like his expiration date was 2005. this is the kind of cyberbullying that melania is fighting my turn do me do me i got this bubba j is so stupid he thinks chlamydia is beyonce's sister that's so stupid beyonce doesn't have a sister here's another one bubba j is so stupid so stupid what nothing that's it bubba j is so stupid how about this one bubba j's parents are related well now he's just spouting off random facts hey here's what about walter okay wait a minute walter is so old his first driver's license had roman numerals [Laughter] walter is so old he doesn't get a physical he gets an autopsy that means your in case of emergency contact is the morgue this is cyberbullying isn't it when i was young we used to bully people to their faces and get our asses kicked like men here's another peanut one peanut looks like something you scrape out of a vacuum cleaner awesome stupid dude peanut do you wear a flea collar uh i think someone just joined our meeting correct i have but i've been here the entire time you've been zoom bombed zoom bombed zoom bomb i don't know what's happening i'm so jealous you are our troll what for sure what do you want besides a hot pocket and a girlfriend earl mom shut my door and don't come back until you have like hot pockets off and keep packing uh this isn't good walter you know this guy yes how do you know this infant does come like uh hi grandpa what what he said hi grandpa uh guys meet my grandson hey dudes i'm earl but like it's spelled you are ill that is kind of clever hang on i'm i'm still spelling you you you are wait er oh and i thought math was hard walter your grandson is our troll on instagram that son of a hoo-ha said i look like the inside of a couch i have exploded many couches and yes you do look like that that's it i'm out wait on facebook earl said i should just die already you are dead i'm done whoa they're gone that's like star trek or sporting events okay earl with an e dude it's a younow what is wrong with you dad's like like like kicking me out of the house dude like i did him but i thought you were living in their basement lucky trailers don't have basements i'm a jay sorry i'll mute well now i'm coming to live with like you and grandma the heck you are unmuted at least uh until i'm like tick-tock famous tick-tock but before i like get there i need you to low-key take care of a few things what uh make sure you have like super fast wi-fi and netflix amazon prime post mates i'll need an apple tv disney plus from anna warren and oh hang on dude hello earl [Music] hello dude be with you in a mob a mo that's cool talk for a moment [Applause] are we still talking here earl so i'll also like need food that requires teeth to eat and uh we'll need you or grandma to shop for some items that contain real dairy i'm like high key vegan but cheese doesn't coat it's good for me to live with you because like think how much money you'll save not getting one of those old guys fall down boomer bracelets hey mr troll do you like justin timberlake am not that kind of troll i like hot pockets you're the coolest guy ever hello again i'm walter to continue in my series of covid 19 public service videos i'd like to see a few words about self-isolation home schooling if you're a parent with kids of any school age at home you are now also a teacher and this is a huge responsibility you have to now divide your time between keeping your household up and running and keeping it clean feeding everyone three times a day with whatever resources and limited funds you now have or don't have plus you have to maintain order and keep up relationships inside and even outside the home with phone calls and whatnot and this leaves you zero time for yourself or doing anything you actually want to do this is a daunting lifestyle that is taxing many of us with no end in sight now on top of all this you have to make sure your children are staying on track with their education so they won't be too far behind whenever they do get back to an actual school building and kids are smart they know you as mom and dad and not as their teachers or principals they'll do their school work for five minutes then say they're done and they know you can't do a damn thing about it yep your kids know how to push your buttons get away with stuff and bring you to the edge of well insanity kids what were you thinking i know it's tempting to yell at your spouse and tell them this is all their fault over the last few weeks you probably found yourself wondering if at age 14 or 15 is it too late to put them up for adoption could you find a time machine go back and just not have them at all maybe sell them to a neighbor or lock them in a shed until this is all over it's okay these are all completely normal thoughts everybody's having them you didn't ask for this damn teaching job and you don't want it face it your kids are [ __ ] i know right now you'd like to strap those children to a rocket and send them into outer space well just don't [Music] this is how i screw with the sound guy ready we check the microphone check one two what's wrong come on [Applause] so my next friend all i can say is his hobby is drinking please help me welcome bubba jake [Applause] how you doing bubba j i'm drunk no no you're not yeah i am but i'm safe cause i got my legs going it's the wrong kind of mask no it's not it's supposed to go over your mouth then i can't drink bobby how you been handling the pandemic there's a pandemic yes that's what we're talking about why do you think we've been staying at home so much walter says because your career is over with have you ever heard of kovid oh kovid i think when i was a kid my dad was dating her no it's covid19 yeah 19 years old yeah that's her no covet 19 is a virus yeah that's how mom described her all right i'm kidding i know about the temp the tan tan ham pandamik damn it dude yeah yeah the quarantine sure yeah it's been no big deal why not i was already under house arrest yeah louis drove it everywhere how could you be under house arrest and be driving around it's a mobile house arrest hey you want to know the best way to avoid touching your face sure put a deer in each hand and by the way i would like to thank all the front line workers in strip clubs who are willing to take it all off except for the masks you went to a strip club during the pandemic oh yeah it was tough all night dollars kept bouncing off the plexiglass horse alley joe you know a stripper by name well i should she's my sister so what else did you do during our time off i signed a lot of autographs oh people recognize you ah no they thought i owned a zoo full of tigers yeah you know the accent the mullet we all look alike oh good the black guy laughed okay not as hard but he did laugh all right what are your sellers names here i'm ken ken good to see you ken ken what do you do uh civil engineer civil engineer okay i don't got any jokes about that so and who's the other guy i'm bro a row hey kendra bro what do you do for a living i'm a nurse what kind of nurse are you where do you work i see you oh i see you too but where do you work they can every once in a while do you turn to the guy next to you and go hey well thanks for coming out fellers it's nice having you we're gonna move on move on this is better than you wrote let me talk to somebody greetings i am ahmed the dead journalist and welcome to another edition of as crap election news i am currently at an undisclosed location in one of the big cities in the united states where peaceful demonstrations are now taking place very peaceful pay no attention to the peaceful explosions all around me holy crap it's just celebrations of peace i think i was safer as a suicide bomber okay moving on today i have the honor of hosting a debate for the upcoming presidential election between two gentlemen we all know very well first the winner of the 2016 election the outspoken and sometimes what the [ __ ] did he just tweet president of the united states one old grub and his opponent the most questionable presidential candidate in the history of this country mainly because he lives in the basement and we're fairly certain his wife has him on a shock collar to keep him from saying random crazy stuff please welcome the former vice president bien hayden where the hell's a teleprompter i can't see it with these damn glasses on how can i give good answers if i can't read them oh hey who turned on the lights greetings gentlemen hello again ahmed oh ahmed look at you you wanna fight i'm ready there's no woodshed down here but i'll take you behind it jack squirrel what gentlemen let's start right away with some questions he's lying every question haydn has answered so far has been a lie there have not been any questions yet i knew that you know cheerleaders are more fun to watch than the actual football game but jill says no huggy touchy squeezy but i say it's okay if you're sure there are no cameras around as you both know the pandemic has been devastating to this country and to the world pandemic starts with a p see i got my facilities faculties i got my faculties you know like teachers teachers like when they ride on a chalkboard and their arms jiggle underneath makes me feel kind of mr president yes you're not the president yes i am no you're not hey you still hosting wheel of fortune jill and i love you oh that fan away i'd buy her val president grump what will you do to prevent any future pandemics that's easy no more testing none at all see no test means no one is sick uh the fantastic american public will vote for it trust me plus all these terrible viruses come from china i plan to charge china and import tax on each case of kovid and then i'll build a wall on our border with china uh mr president there is no border between the u.s and china yes sir is no there isn't well there will be and mexico will pay for it what why because they still owe us for the other one did i ever tell you about the time i got a fortune cookie that said made in china at least that's what the little piece of paper said only it was a sticker and it was on my cell phone case no cookie just a fortune true story that was a sticker on your phone case that said made in china yeah if we had that wall on the gina border no more fake fortune cookies phone cases i'm gonna make that an executive order law listen here bub you're done building walls i remember when i told gorbachev to tear down that wall best speech i ever made jill said that speech made her horny oh that was a good one you know you better hope that china never buys the united states because if they do then the abbreviation for virginia would be don't say it vagina he said yeah if i ever tell you about the time i went to china i went there with hillary hillary loves china that's gotta hurt i ever tell you about the time when i was fighting in the korean war i was stationed in kimchi those guys used deadly force on me 72 times one for every state and every time i took him behind the woodshed i stripped down nick and i said come get me kimchi guys you [ __ ] what does anyone here really think i'm the crazy one mr hayden do black lives matter you mean in general or when picking a running mate both answers are yes mr hyden how do you pronounce senator harris's first name ha you can't trick me i know there's no such person as senator harris never heard of him she's your running mate you said me president grump what do you have to say about rioters in portland being grabbed and thrown into unmarked vans where'd they grab them portland oh not the p word i was thinking of carmela it's carmela we have moved on mr vice president sorry alec for 500 who is carmella harrison i'm sorry mr vice president it's kamala you dimwits it's kamilah as in communist law which is what we're gonna have if she becomes vice president and then president when this guy can't remember his last name or as i sometimes call her sweet cheeks time for a pop quiz what does antifa stand for i take it for incontinence antifa that's the island where kamilah is from in the light of current civil unrest how will handle antifa i can't handle antifa i'm not supposed to touch any more women at all except jill jill said that anytime i can touch her antifa i kind of want one of those things president grump what has the current administration done correctly in regard to the coving pandemic it's gone i tweeted it away it's not gone yes it is and baseball is back you're welcome america mr vice president what would you have done differently in regard to covid when is this debate gonna start i'm itching for a fight you know sometimes i just ditch when do you predict the corvette pandemic will be over with tuesday holy crap this country is toast how would you prevent future pandemics to you mr hayden thanks oxnard it's ahmed ahmed hey you know that show where that kid went dino my you should do that then blow something up what are you talking about i just want to go on record saying there is no pandemic this is a hoax it's just bad sushi from china it's bad vagina sushi why do you think the chinese have all these sushi restaurants sushi is japanese you my friend are a racist see that that's how you do it you call him a racist and they got nowhere to go we need better masks that can prevent germs but at the same time can still allow you to sniff a pretty girl's hair from behind what is happening sorry i hope jill didn't hear that one jill is my wife you know she looks just like my sister i get him mixed up sometimes it's actually kind of hot whoa that was a big one well you're lucky i'm not gonna remember this starting to kind of like this guy next question how can you help prevent a peaceful protest from turning violent that's an easy one just send in the military and start shooting i got that from general patton he was our second best president another question do you think male in voting can be fraudulent of course anyone can fill out a vote by mail including all the illegals that work in my hotels we need to delay the election until we fix that problem if you don't believe me just ask my bff putin i already mailed in my votes whole box of them it's going to be a landslide for perot pros running again mr president how will you handle foreign policy i say you grab it you grab it by the policy do either of you think you're too old for the job of president i'm still young at heart and hair seriously i still act young some say like a baby and i still got all my male hormones i mean i know how hot my daughter is we all do am i right can you repeat the question in my good ear never mind next question how will you help those who lost their jobs in businesses during kovid you mean all the folks i fired from the white house you know when i was a kid me and cream corn used to have a paper out the lesson there is you gotta pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get back on that [ __ ] horse horse if elected i will make sure every american has bootstraps and a [ __ ] i mean he meant horse storm hey bub did you know that the donut is the state bird of manhattan do you have a plan to ensure that all americans can afford health care no but i'm pushing for longer cvs receipts the three foot long ones are okay but i'm saying six feet will get me re-elected what are you talking about well you may not get any money off your prescriptions but you'll get a buy one get one free on corn nuts if anyone messes with my medicare i will put a boot in their ass did i ever tell you about the time i killed a man with my dentures sunshine in one hand and dentures in the other hoya what the hell is he talking about this country is very divided how will you bring all americans together by keeping everyone separate mr vice president duct tape that holds everything together he's losing it and by the way i did not pick kamala because she's black yes you did no it didn't yes you did i picked her because she was the most qualified candidate no you didn't i picked her because she's a woman there you go black and a woman when i was a young boy growing up in scottsdale scranton you grew up in scranton scranton you sure sounds like something you take medicine for to get rid of hey frank you don't look so good yeah you know that woman i was going out with she gave me scranton and boy does it itch holy crap but when i was a young boy i used to say i want to be a strong black woman god black man god black child young black child with a taste for mexican food unicorn i want to be a damn unicorn you guys are nuts seriously after seeing all of this what idiot would want to be president i'm your huckleberry there's one of my voters thanks for joining us everyone america you're screwed wait if i'm gonna run i need to pick a vice president of common hey does purple kill oh my hello everyone it's me bubba j and i'm coming to you from my tent because i'm self-isolated i'm self isising self um isometric i'm in the backyard of jeff's house all by myself and i haven't seen anyone for a month or more except for the yard guy and when he comes around with his blower i have to zip up if you know what i mean anyway i am self-icing and i'm having a blast and how am i doing that well i'm not really this blows yeah but i was told to stay positive so yeah i'm positive this blows this is like being on a tour bus but there's no tour or bus okay so tips for avoiding catching kovid 19 which is the chinese virus but we're not supposed to say it's chinese because somehow that's racist but it started in china by the chinese so [Music] this advice comes directly from the cdc and the who that's right the center for disease control and the who i don't know why roger daltrey and pete townsend have any say in all this but they rock okay here we go in order to not catch the virus do not leave your house for any reason but if you do wear a mask and not the 50 shades of grey mask that goes over your eyes the other kind that goes over your mouth like when your mom wants you to stop talking and with these masks as we've all seen on the news the masks are completely useless and don't do any good but they can save your life so wear it got it number eight i don't know what number i'm on i think it's actually two anyway remember that there is no reason to go to stores because they're all closed except for the ones that are open but you shouldn't go unless you have to and when you do go make sure you wear a mask and gloves but do not touch any part of yourself or the mask or gloves when putting them on or taking them off but if you go in public and touch your face make sure you also kiss your ass goodbye do not hoard food items there are plenty of groceries at the grocery stores unless you go when everything is gone good luck next don't go to the hospital unless you really really really really really really really have to but if you do go don't talk to anyone or touch anything ever if you have to go through a doorway wait for someone else to open it first then slip in behind them do not go in front of them because they might breathe your direction and then you're screwed yeah and that's another thing since the virus can linger in the air for 10 minutes walking 30 feet in any direction should take no less than half an hour walk 10 feet wait 10 minutes etc so if you have to walk down an apartment hallway to get your mail do the math you may need a sack lunch but don't touch your lunch just eat it remember this virus can be deadly but the odds are you'll be fine but you might not be so be careful but don't be crazy and wear a condom a mask a mask wear a mask with a condom a mask condom it's a thing can't be too careful gloves are a huge deterrent to the virus if you don't touch anything that has the virus on it they say you can wash your gloved hands to get the gloves clean again but then why did you wear the gloves in the first place if you're just going to wash your hands with the gloves on i don't know just do it then throw away the gloves remember if you have coved 19 you will have symptoms unless you don't but you could still become contagious with or without symptoms or you may already have it and not know it and you may have or may not be contagious and there's a possibility that you could get it two or three times and then all this starts all over again with any of the above combination of possibilities got it also hold your breath when you flush the toilet according to some articles and unwiped sources oh sorry unnamed sources there may be covid in your poo and unlike other times right now when you flush you should not breathe in flying air particles of poo if you do you could give this virus to yourself so going to the bathroom is a crapshoot not really this is serious to conclude so far at the time right now when i'm making this recording on my flip phone there is no known cure for this disease there will be one but this is like waiting for christmas without a calendar one day we're gonna wake up turn on the news and ta-dah here's your drugs but for now stay safe don't do anything stupid and remember we're all in this together not really because this is my tent damn it sorry i said damn it bye [Music] thank you thank you so the first guy i'd like to introduce i think audiences enjoy because everyone knows someone like this your own family or where you work please help me welcome my old friend [Applause] walter [Applause] [Laughter] walter uh how are you what the hell do you think well uh are you playing it safe with the mask oh yeah okay yeah i think i'm about to tie though why i picked up the wrong damn mask yeah this is yours and your breath stinks can i take it off please do and then get yourself a damn tic tac for god's sake how's everything else oh it's just great this has been the best year ever but then after all these months you told me we were gonna finally get to do a show again that's right i was happy really yeah then we get here and we're outdoors and the size of this audience makes it look like we're doing a freaking barnacha for one of the unpopular kids this sucks but we're outdoors i know do a show get a tick this is a lovely place for a birthday party hey let's go play pin the tail on the [ __ ] who decided to do this walter we're here to make people laugh yeah well and we're in the middle of the terrible tandemic so let's have a chuckle people could use a laugh right now i could use some crack right now well outside yeah no walls right no curtain yeah this is comedy central on a budget this is a great venue you have been quarantined too damn law what this looks like the patrons had nowhere to go after a chuck e cheese burnt down so what have you been doing all this time off well uh actually i had my hips replaced your hips both knees really yeah had my shoulder replaced i had no idea yeah i'm trying to get out on my marriage one body part at a time do you think this is great being on tv i don't care my wife and i have been locked up alone in our house together for so long it's just a matter of time before we end up on dateline have you been holding up through all this well i just hope you washed your hand for 20 seconds before you put it where it is and are we supposed to be six feet apart well oh wait yeah if we did that i couldn't talk you can't throw your voice measly six feet yes i can oh that i guess my mouth wouldn't move cause you couldn't pull on the little thing of the jig back there you'd be like hey walter and i'd be like hey lauren how's it going so do you wear a mask when you go to the store and all that sure i like the idiots who wear masks go through their mouths but not their noses too dimlets that's like wearing a jock strap on your knees i mean it's there but what's the point you know i read that medical experts say people should wear masks during time of you know ah come on you don't need a mask no no you can hold your breath for 34 seconds so how's everything been going with your wife oh leaving getting on each other's nerves and fighting all the time i'm sorry to hear that yeah you mean since the quarantine since our wedding but we're staying 60 apart what yeah it's the closest we've been in years with the pandemic you know we can't get together with people we're usually around sometimes we can't visit family i know is this thing great or what you know many people say they've put on weight during the pandemic my wife started putting on weight during the pandemic she did yeah of 1919. i'm not kidding she didn't get the spanish flu she got spanish desserts like flan what the hell i think those are called tapas yeah well she's at the top of her weight class so what have you and your family been up to well during the quarantine i wanted to get out of the house safely so i asked audrey what she thought about getting an rv an rv yeah and then i guess she asked you what you thought about her getting a younger husband [Applause] hello i'm walter i'm coming to you from my home in southern california where like most of you i've been self-isolating with my family doing what the experts are telling us we should it's for the good of our country and for the world and i hope you're doing the same we all realize this is going on for a long time with no real guess as to when we can be out and about again but they say it's working in many cities the curve is flattening but this is frustrating we all know that this is more time together with family members in close proximity and isolated than any of us have ever spent it's not easy but let's all keep one simple thing in mind it really is not okay to kill your spouse look i know it's tempting and who the hell would notice you're stuck in the damn house alone with no one checking in even the amazon guy won't get close you could have weeks to hide the body but come on killing your spouse it's not okay just don't [Music] okay is everyone here uh we're still waiting for bubba j of course previously on six minutes you wanted to see me mr president yes jack i did we have reliable intel that within the next 24 hours there will be a terrorist attack on american soil he looks dead i know because he is but he's not there it's complicated anyway somehow he got in through the u.s mexican border hard to believe because it's so damn secure [Music] who's that that's his coyote on a stick the target's name is ahmed and he plans to blow up the place in america with the most as he calls them infidels las vegas he'll do everything in my power to stop him i give you my word mr president why are you talking like that just use your normal voice really i am telling you oh great leader this las vegas looks like hell on earth look at all these infidels i kill you okay i'm going in damn it we're running out of time no they're three hours ahead of us in vegas you idiot they're three hours behind us oh i always get that wrong i've never seen anything so vile as the sinful corrupt horrible city of las vegas save yourselves do not come here your eyes will burn my my eyes my eyes my eyes the burqas here in las vegas are very short hmm shots fired be careful jack i'm going in um oh sorry guys my bad [ __ ] peanut where did you send me what no i am telling you do not come here i am being forced to watch uncovered females did you know that women have two eyebrows what you shoe shoes i am not talking i am on the phone mr president our target has activated a nuclear warhead just outside of las vegas we have to dismantle that missile i'll get my best man on it [Music] well i'm on it now what i win i win it must be because i brought my lucky virgin-like woman i've acquired the target i have the shot they have laser tag at planet hollywood too i love this place are we clear and who's trying to blow up vegas damn you jack durham it was you all along trying to blow up las vegas why my wife was going there for the weekend and this is my last chance for freedom don't listen to him jack he's not the president damn it i would have gotten away with this if it wasn't for you muddling kids but i can still do this i mean mom welcome to las vegas mr president time for the show to start walter where's the wife at a birthday party who's hers uh shouldn't you be there i already said no on the evite i want to watch the game oh come on how about youtube and epic fail compilations what you know idiot stunts gone wrong and it's always my balls that's entertainment to you yes you know i finally have a chance to watch a game in silence and now you're going to ruin it i'll shut up hey i was just on the internet and discovered something i could not believe cnn no have you ever heard of the mandela effect no i have not and i don't need to know it's the unexplained phenomenon where you remember something a certain way but in fact it never happened that would be alzheimer's oh you worry you might get that no i'm worried jeff might then we're all screwed but the mandela thing people claim it's because of a parallel universe or that time travelers have altered things in the past okay like in the terminator but without robots or explosions yes but important stuff like movie quotes and cartoon characters oh someone please kill me they call it the mandela effect because some people swear nelson mandela died in prison when in fact he did not mandela effect whatever i'm going to ask you a series of questions please don't the end of the empire strikes back what does darth vader say to luke luke i am your father no he does not he says no i am your father mandela effect wait a minute are you sure yes hey in the game of monopoly does mr penny bags the banker wear a monocle of course he does no he does not wear a monocle mandela effect hey so does this mean it's possible i thought i was married but i'm not no you're still married no [ __ ] hey here's another one spell oscar meyer hold on let me do that song my but yeah the first name is o-s-c-a-r everyone is a second m-e-y-e-r mandela effect you just said m e y e r but in fact it's m a y e r tell me if i spell this right f u c okay okay fine fine i'll stop let's watch the game hey what the hell something's changed about you what what are you talking about [Music] the mandela effect is this world really what you think it is or is it something completely different aj stop being creepy it's time for dinner sorry dad so all week long jess has been playing old huey lewis songs then today he shows up in this a 1982 delorean this guy loves the 80s anyway he said we're going to take some kind of trip i don't know here we go whoa 1982 this car smells like cindy lopper so what are we doing we're with delorean we're going back to the future back to the future yeah like in the movie you know they got the delorean got up to 88 miles per hour and went back how far back i don't know i don't remember i'm not that much of a geek here we go 85 87 there's 88 peanut peanut hi everybody jeff dunham sitting here in my shop and next to me is the guy who is going to be the next addition to the show i have been creating him the last few weeks during the pandemic when we're all in self-isolation but he is here today to help me introduce a video and this video is from a few years ago but i've tagged on something to the end that's going to make it new and different and fun and i don't know [Music] i'm hey uh what are you doing hey what are you doing okay anyway watch the video it's a lot of fun and then at the end is something that comes from the early 80s it's me doing a car commercial in tyler texas and it has a star wars theme to it as well i think you'll you'll enjoy uh read the card please i'm a jedi knight that's jedi knight no i'm not i have been waiting for you obi-wan it's it's obi-wan could you do it again please what these are not the droids you're looking for seriously why do i always have to play the furry guy this sucks what's my motivation here do or do not there is no thrice in your abracadabra shazam use the force dumbass luke i am your father luke i am your father you're not my father you're my uncle's cousin's brother and they got divorced so you're nothing to me it's use the force luke use the force dumbass where's that letter who gives a dog a gun seriously really holy crap this turpin is heavy these are not the droids you're looking for yes they are no they're not yes they are no they're not you know your mother chose that name luke i wanted to call you steve i am a jedi honesty princess leia is my sister come to the dark side because if you don't i kill you welcome to the star wars cantina get your [ __ ] and get out he doesn't actually say i i kill you yes he does this is fun but you know a shotgun works better may the force be with you senor uh could you could you read that line one more time just with a little more energy may the force be with you senor obi-wan has taught you well wait wouldn't that be obi-wan that taught you good isn't that it i felt a great disturbance in the force that's better can i kill someone now seriously may the force be with you chewbacca doesn't have lines whatever oh my arm ow ow dad no when do i get to start killing people you got the death star you got your light sticks you got the freaking force why not just the bomb all done genius i think i need to go to the doctor cause this has been out for more than four hours cut let me get this straight you want me to play a white dude oh hell no i'm now sitting here with jack and james these are actual real people so uh guys um have you seen star wars before you got you've watched star wars yeah we've watched in here together haven't we yeah do you remember the character that you liked the most um the alien well that's e.t that's different okay but right now um guys we're going to show something that's embarrassing you know what embarrassing is it's where you don't want people to see it yeah yeah so uh we're gonna show a video from when i was in college at baylor university but i would drive uh to tyler texas and shoot commercials for courtesy pontiac and datsun and uh every week they would have a different theme and this particular week it was star wars themed so here's me and my dummy archie from 1980 or 81 and uh well enjoy and it's embarrassing yeah okay [Music] yeah you got that right circuit board breath well archie what's the matter with r2d2 what are you some kind of droid or something r2d2 is excited how come he's blown a circuit why because courtesy pontiac and dudson strikes black that's right and we're having carl wars and he's excited because our prices are so low here at courtesy planning economics and that's right and my name is archie skywalker and this is old elan cadonum i see yeah and folks let me show you some fantastic cars we got on sale look at this a 1980 pontiac 500 only 63.66 fantastic and look at this a 1980 pontiac sunblood hundred and fifteen dollars down and 115 a month for 48 months and look at this same car 4 466 dollars or that's in the 210 and looky there are two detours holy chewbacca g liz well there he goes with high prices that's courtesy pontiac and dudson right here in tyler southwest luke 323 right here in big tower come on out bring your lightsaber with a fantastic money and get a fantastic car from us [Music] what movie is this again the fast and furious franchise oh we get french fries hey before we go any further did you know that vin diesel's real name is vin number c 42 take one um i live my life a quarter pounder at a time no dom says i live my life a quarter mile at a time oh i don't know how dumb lives his life but i like hamburgers and cheeseburgers especially ones that are made fast and furious hey can my contract say that i have first dibs on all roadkill eating all right bubba you're driving driving and i'm not driving i'm sitting still this is so fake i mean if i'm driving shouldn't i have a beer this is what i'm talking about why is there blue everywhere oh is this the fast and the furious where they run over the smurfs it's for the special effects my mama said i was special special effects we're gonna put it in later that's what she said i live my life a six pack at a time no a keg at a time a fifth of whiskey at a time i'm making a left turn camera is rolling and the farts and the furious you fell for it see what i wrote on that thing ahmed is furious guess which one i am oh it's getting kind of iffy in here can i still do this movie with a suspended license fast enough 343 take me jake's buy me a beer who are you anyway you know there's been like 23 fast and furious as there was fast and furious and tokyo and furious and i think the next one should be the furial fastness fast for the furry fast for feral furious the fingered furious furry foxes that's perfect look out the car is rolling upside down and it's gonna land on his wheels and keep going yeah here i look after the bad am and you're gonna shoot at me and oh they've shot my car like a million times but miraculously in the next scene there's no holes in it here we go yeah i go see that hey did you know vin diesel's real name is vin is this gonna be over so aquaman i know you've been working on something for us tonight oh yes you know my song from the few years attack jingle bombs you know that song it was a huge hit yes it was or as we say in the business it exploded of course well i have now written a song for this crazy time we have all been going through okay i call it achned up on the housetop or tokovid all right perfect nice troll please it's gonna be good of course it is just listen up on the house that is where i'll be up here no one can cough on me can't go the restaurants or even bars i miss the days when we only had stars [Music] avoiding all the folks who are sick sick sick that was good silence i'm not done yet okay there's more great here we go the kids watch school for an hour and a half as the teacher talks he plays minecraft go out of the shower in my room like his whole class on the naked on zoom wishing for the end of 2020 we all sit at home eating all day long did you get so fat that your shorts are now a thong wear yourself a mask without fail cause if you don't they'll drag you off to jail what day is it who gives a crap up on the housetop i'll just stay lots of store fights on black friday all i want for christmas is a vaccine being all born i could also use justleen can't take a dick with santa in the mall to make things worse he smells like alcohol this here was trash ha ha ha hope santa doesn't crash up on the housetop feeling blue waiting for the day that i kill you squeak squeak you guys have been awesome thanks for coming out tonight i kill you you

Channel: Jeff Dunham

Views: 2,732,474

Rating: 4.8510809 out of 5

Keywords: jeff dunham, 2020, rewind, YouTube Rewind, election, president, pandemic special, covid-19, jeff dunham completely unrehearsed holiday pandemic special, covid, achmed, america's got talent, bubba j, peanut, walter, up on the housetop, arguing with myself, christmas, christmas music, christmas songs, comedy, comedy central, comedy special, commercial, donald trump, funny, hilarious, holiday, jingle bombs, movie trailer, netflix, ode to covid, spark of insanity, stand-up, tv, Controlled chaos

Id: FKmgrY1zfuw

Length: 76min 10sec (4570 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 12 2021