(whirring) - We looked over to Bojay,
who was holding his stomach, and he screamed out in the
middle of class, oh no! (laughing) Which was then followed by
the loudest diarrhea noises anyone had ever heard. (dramatic dubstep music) (growling) (groaning) (smashing) (cheering and applauding) - Thank you, everybody. So if you don't know,
here's what the show is. It's just a bunch of
funny people telling like 100% true stories. He's absolutely hilarious. You can get his comedy
album on iTunes right now. It's called James Dean Type. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Sean O'Connor, everybody. Let him hear it. (cheering) - I have enemies. Let's talk about it. I have one enemy. It's my freshman-year
Biology teacher, Ms. Sydell. To paint a picture of what
Ms. Sydell looked like, take Joseph Gordon-Levitt,
and then that's it. She looked exactly like
Josh Gordon-Levitt. She hates me because we
had to dissect a baby pig in her class. She broke us up into groups. My group was me, my best
friend, Brendan, and a guy, named Brian Jones
who we called Bojay. We called him Bojay because
he tried to tell a story about a blowjob, and
he called it a bojay, and we were like that is
your name forever now. Get used to that, Bojay. Bojay was six foot six,
495 pounds, and looked like a human dolphin, which does
not come back in the story, but you need to know that. It was really weird. Now what happens when
you dissect a baby pig, it's super easy. You cut it open and remove it
piece by piece and label it. We cut it open, and
then Bojay was like, I got it from here, fellas. He reached his huge
paw into the baby pig, removed everything in one scoop. Brought it out here and
squished it in his hand. He was holding his fist
so tight it was like he was trying to gain
the baby pig's abilities. He was like, now I'm as
strong as a baby pig. We were like, fuck you, dude. We're going to summer school. You suck. And Bojay was like, would
it make you feel better if I ate this? I was like Bojay I don't
think I've ever felt that good in my entire life. You have to eat that. He was like, okay,
and he ate it. (groans) And we laughed for 20 minutes. We stopped laughing just
in time to hear the two funniest words I've ever
heard a human being speak. We looked over to Bojay,
who was holding his stomach, and he screamed out in the
middle of class, Oh no! Which was then followed by
the loudest diarrhea noises anyone had ever heard. (laughing) At this point, I
was laughing so hard that I forgot how
to breathe, just a (gasp chuckling) Brendan was laughing so
hard, he started throwing up in the middle of class, and
Bojay was running around in circles, going,
oh no, oh no, oh no as diarrhea shot out the
bottom of his khakis, creating this evil Spirograph. (laughing) Ms. Sydell was
teaching the class. She looked over. It was the first time I
ever heard a teacher curse. She screamed out, what the fuck! She was 4'11. It was like our school was built
on an Indian burial ground, and it all came out
through her then. Bojay stopped, pointed
at us and said, they made me eat the pig. Ms. Sydell looked
us in our kid eyes, and she said, fuck you, both. She was 63-years-old. We'd never felt passion before because we were 14. Now we have negative
feelings about it. We can't connect with people. We had to go down
to the principal because that's
where you go next. The principal was like
a cool, young principal, sitting in his chair backwards,
like what's the haps? And I'm like, I'll tell
you what the haps is we were dissecting a baby
pig, and what happens when you do that is you cut it
open, remove it piece by piece, and label it, but Brian
reached his huge hand into it, pulled everything out,
brought it out here, squished it in his hand,
and then he was like, should I eat this right now? And I don't remember
what I said. (laughing) And he ate it and
pooped everywhere. I was like what happens now? He was like, I don't
know, I just got this job. He called the last
principal to find out. What happens now is we
had to go see a therapist to take a personality
disorder test to find out if we were
sociopaths or not. Anyone ever do that? One guy. No one's moving away
from you, that's good. What happens, for those of
you who've never done that, you go in, there's a therapist. They ask you one
question a hundred times, and that question is if
everyone in your town died, would you care? And then you're 14,
so you're like, sure. I don't know, who cares. They're like, you're not
a sociopath, go home. We go home. This next part makes me
seem like a sociopath. Sorry in advance. I was on AOL Instant Messenger
or Instant Messenger. I got an IM from Bojay,
and he said, hey, I totally forgive you for
making me eat that pig. I was like, it was
your idea, but thanks. And then he was like, since
we're such good friends, you should know there's
a child molester in your neighborhood, do
not go outside tonight. Now, we are 15 years later. And I have no idea
what he meant by that. Still, I am baffled. But my 14-year-old brain was
like, he's trying to prank you. Prank him back. So the next day we
go in to school, we go up to a water
fountain, and we pour water all over our eyes like
we had been crying for the last 12 hours. We go up to Bojay and we're
like, we should've listened to you, man. (laughter building) We were molested last night. Bojay said, I'm sorry to hear
that, waked to the principal's office, told him that
we were molested, and we had to go to therapy
for five more months. Thank you, guys,
I'm Sean O'Connor. (dramatic dubstep music)
