Jim Jeffries JFL 2020

[Music] [Applause] good hi my girl i've been here for a week it's been a little bit hot i think it hit 26 degrees and your news is like this stay indoors sit down make sure you drink a lot of water it's [ __ ] calm the [ __ ] down montreal it's just 26 degrees now i do live in america but i still deal with celsius i don't [ __ ] around with fahrenheit i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna do it it's a stupid measurement while i'm at it the day goes before the month i'm not going month day year that's [ __ ] ridiculous i'm wearing a waistcoat that's to hide the i'm getting bit fat you know i'm off the telly at the moment so i get fat when i'm off the telly the only thing that keeps me thin is you good people on the internet reminding me when i've gotten fat that's a and i do thank you for that these people right now going jim's gotten fat with you on you on the twitter and i'm all for it i think we should have fat shaming when do we get a society where we can't fat shame [ __ ] that shame the fatties [ __ ] shame them it's an addiction like any other overeating is an addiction like any other you drink too much people [ __ ] tell you about it they tell you about oh you were drunk normally americans americans like if they do this one hey at 4 30 a.m you were wasted you could hardly stand and i'm like yeah that's what i was [ __ ] trying to do you smoke they're like get outside you [ __ ] stink you shouldn't be smoking that's a disgusting habit stand outside and smoke if i can rack up coke right they're like you can't come to the school anymore you're not welcome but for some reason the fat people we have to just not acknowledge that they're over doing something oh no no that's how god made them no it's [ __ ] not it should be the same as smoking man the fact that she'd come into a donut shop the guy should be able to eye him up and down you're gonna have to eat that outside mate go stand outside make a little tiny awning for them to give them incentive if it rains they have to tuck themselves in with the other fatties and eat the donut and go do you remember when we used to be able to eat inside i remember when we could eat on planes all right so i have a i have a kid he's a nice kid but he goes to this fancy school goes his fancy school they call me and his mother down we go down to the school and we stand there and they go oh there's a problem with hank and i'm like what's he [ __ ] done and they go he can't read all the other kids can read your son can't read and i said at 40 grand a year that sounds like a you problem not a [ __ ] me problem that's like that's like if you got someone to build you a house and they'd built other houses and then they were like yeah we built these other houses but this house doesn't have a roof on it yeah we've tried to put a roof on it and then we just gave up we were hoping that you could do a bit of roofing after work each day for two hours and bring in a separate roofer to help finish the roof and if you could pay us the full price that would be [ __ ] brilliant now before before he went to the fancy school he had to go to preschool and they had this big graduation for all the kids at the preschool and all the kids walk out in their caps and gowns they all stand there and and there's like that one kid who's just like everyone else is waving trying to find their parents they wave and you go hello you're doing good and then there's that one kid who just stands there just crying just and you're like that's a [ __ ] kid wouldn't want to have that kid that's a bad kid that parents must be [ __ ] disappointed in that one they all stand there and all the dads we've all got our phones out we're holding up the phones precious memories i don't know why we record these things like we're gonna go home and watch it good [ __ ] show that was watch that again we'll all get our cameras up and the kids will walk out one of the teachers says here at the school we teach the kids to love and share and be aware and to care but we also teach them then there's a lady who stands just here and she's a choreographer for the kids right now i hope she has another job i hope this isn't her full-time [ __ ] gig but she starts doing this and the kids all mirror they go all right we're [ __ ] on and then they go i i use for apples and our box and avocados a and you're like this is a great [ __ ] show another teacher comes out and talks about some excursion they had to a chocolate factory or some [ __ ] and then the lady changes it up she starts doing this and all the kids go okay and then they go b b is for bananas and baboons and [ __ ] [ __ ] b and it's around e or f where all the cameras start to lower and you go [ __ ] me they're going to do the entire alphabet you all start getting twitchy and you're looking around like [ __ ] you know you see one dad he looks it when he goes this guy doesn't even smoke he's taking it up just to get out of the [ __ ] room and then you go all right when we get out there's a couple of other dads are like [ __ ] that was our shot we can't all leave it once you get outside and you're like oh bloody hell and then there's like this old dad because hollywood there's like an 80 year old guy who has a kid in hank's class he's on his fourth [ __ ] family he doesn't give a [ __ ] he's some hollywood executive who's too old to be me too and he's just smoking a cigar and we look at him like he's yoda and he's like yeah it's a long show guys long show i normally come in around w and say i was there the whole time about 40 minutes later there's another dad that just stumbles out and goes they're only up to hell [Applause] and i'm watching these kids and i'm watching them and they're all children of entertainers you know this fancy school and i'm watching all these kids and dawn of me they're all six and this is the same age that michael jackson was when he recorded i want you back with the jackson 5. when he was singing and dancing with his brothers going when i heard you do myself and just like snapping in each move like that and then i'm watching all these kids m and i'm like none of these kids have got it none of them and do you want to know why because these kids are loved that's why they'll never amount to [ __ ] anything my name's jim jeffries thank you very much just jokes guys just jokes and speaking of jokes

Channel: Henry Zee

Views: 387,421

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Id: ynwZrg0evjY

Length: 8min 28sec (508 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 21 2020