Jay Larson - I Don't Jump

my neighbor the other day 65 you're right retired schoolteacher good guy when I go on a town he watches my house when he's that town i watch his my car battery's dead I go over to his fence I go hey Nick you mind giving me a jump and he just looks at me goes huh starts walking across the lawn as he's walking across his wife's right here and she's like this what's wrong what is going on with her he gets over the fence he goes what'd you say I go I was wonder if you could give me a jump and he goes uh I don't jump I was like what I go I had the cable deals now I just I don't jump now his wife is like like she's seen this before she's going through PTSD over here she's like this friendship is over and I go what I have the cables he goes yeah no it's not good for your battery I mean you can say no to someone via text nowadays because it's completely impersonal and you're complete disconnected from the rest of the world you like now and not even care but face the face I haven't been told no in a long time and I was just like I was just looking I'm like all right and I was like clearly upset and I'm walking away and he goes you know you should change your battery every three years and I look back like you shut your [ __ ] look I mean I didn't say it I didn't say it but I thought it two weeks pass every time I see him it's awkward he like jumps out of the way he goes in the house I avoid him it's a weird one Saturday night my wife and I at home watching a movie it's about 10:30 cuz clearly we're killing it and a car goes flying down our street and I look at my wife on my wall that dudes flying all sudden we hear crash I run out because I've always want to save a life and start sprinting down the street past Nick's house nothing steps house nothing go by my neighbor brat he comes running out with a billy club and a bandana on and I remember running by being like what the [ __ ] how do you have time to put a bandana like it just happened and why does he have a billy club like I'm trying to save a life he thinks is an uprising happening I get down to the accident and basically a car it's slammed into another car backed out give him the bird and then taking off like a hit and run yeah it was crazy who gives a bird what hey on top of this [ __ ] you like I don't even know what that was but what happened when the guy smashed his fender jammed the front right tire so when he drove off it was like we're all sitting there like I just made a run in colonial was he making another why wouldn't he go left you go left to Venice your shoe right then you get out of here in no time like it was so weird a couple of people already call 9-1-1 so it was like under it was everything was being taken care of I start walking back with Brad I go hey what's up with the bandanna and he goes uh gymnastics night at the house I'm like that's enough that's enough so I get back to our house and I see my neighbor Nick now mr. no jump coming out of his house getting in his car and I go hey what are you doing he was I just thought I'd go see if I could find those guys like are you [ __ ] kidding me this guy can't give a jump but all of a sudden you're a vigilante going out into the night I was so mad I go in the house he'll come on with him like hey Nick's going out to try and find the guys you're so cool oh cool she was what you're still mad about the jump I go yeah I'm still mad about the jump she goes just relax like oh you relax 45 minutes later he comes home in the driveway wife comes out opens the back gate he pulls the car in the back yard they shut the gate and my wife goes what are they doing I go I know exactly what they're doing Nick found those guys and now he's hiding his car in case they come back looking for him she goes no way I go yahweh is my savior that's amazing you'll use it that's fine next morning we're going to a kids party my wife's driving I like to sit shotgun I don't care if you don't think it's manly I like to observe I like to look at architecture I like trees as we're driving I say to my wife I'm like listen I've been doing some thinking in the shower and right now and I want to run this by since we live together and everything but probably don't do it anyway but I just want to brief you I'm gonna put a note on Nick's door that says I know it was you you [ __ ] with the wrong guy I'm gonna kill your wife yeah I thought I was free free correct and my wife goes no you're not and I go yes I am it's just why cuz he won't give you a jump I go get exactly cuz he won't give me a jump she goes Jay you can't threaten to murder someone and I go it's not a threat if it's not real like I thought that was logic and I was just like that's not even true like as it left my mouth I was like let me have it back please you got to make compromise that's what it's all about and I realize okay I won't threaten or murder this guy's wife but then four days later I got a little sign from up above I'm raking in the backyard and under a bush I find a dead bird I get a manila envelope put the bird in it then in red sharpie I wrote on it for Whom the Bell Tolls it tolls for thee maybe a little highbrow maybe a little highbrow left it on his doorstep that car is still in his backyard and my wife goes what did you proof and I go I proof that when someone needs to jump you give them a jump [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Jay Larson

Views: 173,856

Keywords: Jay Larson, Jason, Thruline, Comedian, Comedy, Video, podcast, personality, talk show, internet, radio, audio, Special, Me Being Me, stand-up, stand up

Id: Z4_DAfUVc2U

Length: 5min 58sec (358 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 08 2020