Jarlath Regan (Full) Standup Comedy Special - Notions Eleven - Live At Vicar Street, Dublin

uh and and now cam it down there was a there was a point in that chair where you all started taking the piss i fully identified it we're like is that what he wants is it because he wanted us to cheer that was fully like i remember it well i went to patrician brothers school in new bridge and i remember going to a mass at the end of the year where a teacher a significant teacher in that school was saying his fondest farewell to the school and at the end of his beautiful speech about how much he enjoyed his time at the patrician brothers secondary school in new bridge the yes yes applause broke out and it continued and it continued and it continued until richard maluli the principal at the time had to say stop it stop stop it lads stop it enough and so ended the career of that teacher how beautiful but that was a lovely welcome thank you guys so much thank you oh listen this is this is really really special and uh i i know uh people at home won't know exactly the risk you have run in coming to this show because by the time this goes into living rooms everywhere hopefully all this coronavirus stuff will be over hopefully hopefully but i will tell you one thing there is only two people in this world right now who [ __ ] love coronavirus do you know who they are megan and the artist formerly known as prince harry [Applause] absolutely no question they love it because up till coronavirus they were the villains where i live in england they were absolute villains it was everywhere but what has happened to them is it's the equivalent of you being given out to by your parents in the kitchen and then a bang coming from the back garden and you're going oh christ thank god for that what's he done now i mean i couldn't get it i'm sure you feel the same way i couldn't get it megan hurry these bad people this terrible awful awful what they do they did nothing they did nothing really they did nothing that all of you haven't dreamed of doing at some point across the christmas period [Applause] how many of you at some point across christmas didn't wish you could go to your whole family you can all [ __ ] off i'm moving to canada [ __ ] off i'm stepping away from this family i'm done i mean that's the stuff that dreams right most of us we can't get the under or understand the infatuation with the royal family but i got it there when they did that i was like wow that's privilege that is privileged being able to tell your whole family [ __ ] off i'm done i am done with this i am walking oh i don't care i'm walking away my family would kill me if i said i wasn't coming home for christmas my family would kill me his family has a bit of history in that direction [Applause] he's got to watch himself but it humanized it didn't it didn't it humanize it the because this didn't happen before christmas it happened afterwards they went back for christmas going we can do this yeah we can do this we can do this then by the end of it they were like we're never doing that again i'm not doing it i can't do it anymore i'm not doing it i mean i was i was amazed by that the humanization of it but also i think everybody agrees the blaming of megan was nonsense like that was pure yeah the idea that this young hussy has led this innocent boy astray introducing these hollywood ideas to him i mean he has been nothing but an innocent flower there's he's never shown any sign of being a spanner on any level there's never been a nazi uniform there's never been anything suggest this boy is anything but innocent and this nonsense like right absolute nonsense there's no way that like he doesn't have a mind of his own that she completely influenced this and on the other hand yeah it was her it was it was fully her it was all her absolutely 100 you can trace this happening to her right yeah absolutely one applaud absolutely because she was fresh eyes she was fresh eyes on the [ __ ] that he's been putting up with for the last 30 years you know what i'm talking about fresh eyes you've been fresh eyes many of you have been fresh eyes right you know what i'm talking about where you go back to the house of your partner for the first time at christmas or otherwise and you're just watching it all going what the [ __ ] [Applause] what fresh eyes i was fresh eyes i have fresh eyes i went back to the roland house i remember my first christmas back tina's place many years ago still pretty the same as mine i was like this is cool i like this was really cool then after christmas dinner her mother came out and said who'd like trifle who who would like a bit of trifle everyone goes yay truffaut she comes out with a giant glass bowl as you would expect jelly in it little bits of fruit a little bit of sponge a layer of custard on top and then nothing else i know the first intake of breath so one woman flush her pearls there what yeah i was like everyone's going yay tripod this is this is not trife look at it going what's going on and then you start to go right when you're in this situation you start to go am i the crazy one is this really trifle have the regan's got it all wrong yeah no this is not true tina sitting next [Applause] where is the cream [Applause] and the sprinkly beds [Applause] oh chart just don't mention it it's because my brother david doesn't like cream [Applause] i'm sorry what she doesn't like that's [ __ ] [ __ ] you know that you know that's [ __ ] she's never even thought about it she's never even thought about it fresh eyes and sure enough three irish coffees later which he [ __ ] drank by the way tina's at the top of the table do you know what mom this is [ __ ] uh there's no cream on top of the trifle any time in this house he's [ __ ] and her mother isn't getting mad at her she's just looking at me going look at this prank his fresh eyes coming in here rattling the cage that was megan it had to be megan absolutely 110 megan came in sat down to christmas dinner sat down took you had a little look around and what the f harry what the wh why is he here seems to be the problem what is that baldy prick doing here that's my uncle do you know who epstein is you're telling me you're telling me that stuff is disconnected there is no way that that was not tense in that house every single one of you knows what it's like to be in a tense house of christmas don't mention the thing don't you mention the thing if you mention the thing you'll [ __ ] ruin christmas for everybody don't mention it what what was it like being in that house with that dude in there you can't even say so what have you been up to this year you can't [Applause] you can't say any of that would even buy him like i find it hard to buy presents for my siblings what do you buy andrew what do you get him for pizza express vouchers antiperspirant he's not going to use it he's not going to use it can't be seen using it a shank a shank he'll use that later on in life i don't know i'm just saying it's tense and we just humanized the whole thing for me because it's like i know and you all know what it's like to be in a tense house at christmas it's not fun and where do you go when you've run out of stuff to say and it's you can't take the tension anyone anyone bathroom good man yourself someone else has a pub in their house right bathroom downstairs toilet to sit on the lid of the toilet i didn't know why that thing was there for years it's like why why is this the only seat that has a cover on it no other seat has this is got like a i think you can always tell how [ __ ] up a family is based on how padded and soft they've made that sick there's only one reason that seat cover is there it's for you to sit on at christmas and claw at your eyes and ask yourself how the [ __ ] am i related to these people [Applause] i i i went through a difficult one i had a difficult christmas this year and it precipitated a big change in me that i want to tell you about tonight i went through a big change this christmas because i went home went home for christmas and i came back to london where i live eight kilos heavier after 10 days i mean that's got to be some kind of record that's crazy one person is something like that it's not possible no it is it is it's a hundred percent eight kilos 8 kilos in 10 days like it's crazy and most of you know how it happened it's the four offers of food in other countries in britain it's definitely one that's how brexit happened one offer that's it okay here it's four four offers and you will shame each on offer number four that's how i got it that's how it happened to me offer number one is basic will you have a slice of cake garlic will you have a slice no i'm grandma actually i had cake for breakfast [Applause] so i'm okay i'm just gonna watch escape to victory and uh just chill out thanks though thanks so appreciate it thank you second offer there's five offers contained within offer number two why wouldn't you have a slice of cake she may as well sure it's out there i know you like the cake sure i'll give it to you you'll have a slice it's like a blizzard of offers in one off you go nah man look i'll be totally honest i feel like uh yesterday you unzipped me and put potatoes into my body [Applause] so i'm really i'm good i'm good i'm really fine thank you though thank you thank you i'm just watch escape to victory third offer you know when it's coming this is the killer this is the one that most of us won't get by third offer you know what i'll do [Applause] i'll cut your slice i'll bring it in i'll leave it there you can decide for yourself whether you want it what do you do now now you're in a face-off with a slice of cake use sylvester stallone a slice of cake and you can't get through that if you can you're a better man than me i tried a couple of times this christmas i got through it and that was when the fourth offer came and the fourth offer will get you it doesn't matter who you are fourth offer looks like this she comes in an hour later you didn't eat it [Applause] i don't know why you asked for it if you didn't want it that's going to go to waste now that's fine that's fine no that's fine no we won't have cake in the house from now on kilos though eight kilos eight kilos ten days crazy this is where it gets interesting i went back to london lost the eight kilos in three days oh [ __ ] suddenly guys are like ted talk hold on hold the phone yeah eight kilos lost in three days how hot yoga hot yoga few people rolling the eyes now because they know one of the main side effects of hot yoga is the inability to shut the [ __ ] up about hot yoga i am at the point where i recognize that i have man's coverage hot yoga if you're not familiar with what a man's discovery is it's when a man discovers something everybody already knew about and acts like he invented it and everybody else in his life should do it too i i mean this changed me it changed me physically emotionally mentally everything those three days were transformative from every perspective i went in the first day as you would expect as i didn't expect you go in your first reaction for the first 45 minutes is it's too hot this is too hot this is a mistake here now i i get that it was hot but this is too hot right some of you have had this experience you're in there for the first 45 minutes you're going can we crack uh when i'm going to say i'm actually i'm going to say it i'm going to say it they probably everybody else probably wants to say it i'll say it and you you want to do it but you've got to sit in it you got to sit and that's part of it that's part of what brought about the change you've got to sit and move through your discomfort discomfort on every level i didn't know i was as conservative as i am british people way more comfortable with their bodies way more comfortable with wearing speedos and sports bras and that's it and sweating their bollocks off in front of other people downward dogging into each other's faces i'm so conservative i was like oh my god i'm so freaked out by the whole thing three days of this on the third day the change occurred though she may just get into this pose where the knees go this way you lie flat on the floor and you look this way it's not i don't understand what the practical use of that stretch is is it for reversing cars or what i don't i don't have a use for it and it is super uncomfortable to have the knees there and also to look across in this sweaty stinky yoga hall of mirrors i see across from me another woman i mean i know i'm not another woman another i'm another person attending the class they're looking that way so all i'm seeing is their legs and i'm just like lads i wouldn't bring it up but these were the hairiest i mean these are the hairiest legs i've ever seen on a man or a woman this is what you back a level of hairy robin williams rob delaney add it all together you get some picture of how hairy these legs were and you gotta sit in the discomfort of this it's sweating away can't look away and your first my first reaction i'm sad to say was good oh god that's gross you just go why why is that gross what's gross about this is the same hair that comes out of our heads why is this gross what is it with you that finds this gross okay what the [ __ ] why do i find that gross if anything fair play to this woman this is all that's out for us like fair play to her fair play because she's basically taken the notion of what society says is the right amount of hair for a woman to have on her legs and said [ __ ] off [Music] i'm moving to [Applause] like canada play to it i'm a high fiver after this fair play and fair play to me that's the next thought good on me look at me go i am so woke i am greta thumbberg in this moment go me yes jar you can do this and the teacher said now class opposite side and i went to turn my legs to the opposite side and i realized i was looking at my own legs in a [ __ ] mirror [Applause] these are not made-up comedy stories this is the shambles you're looking at and this is the this is what precipitated this change it's like looking at myself just a little bit more moving past that little bit of discomfort that you feel when you get to things that are uncomfortable for you like i i guess i do have a bit of a problem with greta thumburg a sm a small one right just a small problem and many of you i think have it as well you hear you hear her speak you hear her get emotional you go god that's amazing good for her and then a small party goes but calm down it's a little bit a little bit like you lit all most of you is like that's an inspiring young woman yeah but like come on you're acting like you're not gonna have to explain [ __ ] to your grandchildren right she is gonna have to explain so there's stuff that they don't know they're doing wrong right now that's somewhere down the road that realize ah why didn't we see that then just like that generation that she's complaining about is doing like i know this we know this i sat on the couch before christmas with mikey and he turned to me on saturday evening we were watching strictly come dancing and said now his accent is very plummy london oh accent right that's how he talks i've grown to accept that it drives me absolutely crazy sometimes it brings a whole new meaning to when you say to your child don't you talk to me like that but for the purpose of this story i'm going to give him the accent that i'd like him to have sitting on the couch watching strictly come dancing i realize that i'm gonna i have to explain stuff to him he says turns to me he goes daddy what did you used to watch have a saturday evening now tell me tell me now tell me this and tell me no more what is it that you used to watch on the television when you were my age and it was saturday evening your father would be here smoking a major i imagine what is it you used to watch on a saturday evening in the same way we're watching strictly home dance and without hesitating it just came out of my mouth i said baywatch he looked at me and said a long pause uh water safety that's the beginning of it right that's the beginning of the stuff i'm gonna have to explain to him and he's gonna and she's gonna have to explain because i i i think i respect uh extinction rebellion to a point right i think we all do we all go yeah i can see this is worth doing and in conversation like yeah yeah yeah oh yeah really noble yeah but then there's part of all of us that looked at those people protesting on the tops of trains at five o'clock in the evening and went who the [ __ ] are these people who does that five o'clock in the evening protesting on the tops of trains anybody that's lived on either of these two islands knows you do not [ __ ] with people when they are trying to go home on the way to work [ __ ] could be my guest i'll help you up i'll help you out where's your banner where's your banner i'll make you a banner get up there last we're gonna miss this we're gonna miss two hours of work here help him up help him up he's not even with the protest [ __ ] get him up there to [ __ ] london takes it a whole nother level you do not [ __ ] with london people on the way to starting to get trying to get home get home it's so [ __ ] tense it's tense as [ __ ] i saw a guy call a set of sliding doors pricks go get him don't get home try and get home okay no i'm not going out tonight and how the [ __ ] am i gonna get preoccupied with it at all look i'm gonna go get it i gotta go you hear them saying it it's on everything good how the [ __ ] am i gonna go and fix straight [ __ ] no i'm not going to [ __ ] do it they're not doing that [ __ ] am i gonna get home mickey flanagan's right british people are obsessed with going out and out out but they're equally obsessed with going home if something is on their way home they love it it fills them with joy you tell me why i'm at the mines it's not a problem with that mind at all it's tell me why look i'll bring your dogs to your crematorium it's not a problem get a little certificate not a problem if it's not on the way home equally massive offense massive offense to say [ __ ] prick asked me for a lift down you know it's not even on my way it's not even always so narrow my [ __ ] way don't know what he's even asking me it's [ __ ] [ __ ] it's not on me way home shouldn't have to do it absolutely insulting heard a guy on a bus the other day he was going i'm not doing it it's not my way home i'm not go look that should be the end of the discussion it is not on me way out and give a [ __ ] if it's your birthday mom it's not me i just i i i don't understand it i watch it i like i i've sat in cars in car parks as cues form and you get to the top you realize it's another british person reversing their car into the space causing [ __ ] chaos i've got to reverse into the sponge because they're so [ __ ] preoccupied with going home and myself and tina were like what is it and we realize british people are obsessed with leaving [Applause] it is all they think about it is all it is on their mind at all times how am i going to leave they don't even call it holidays they call it annual leave think i'm better leave right now it's uh she's only going to left me it's all they talk about and that's why this [ __ ] has pissed them off so much because it's taking so long why is it taking so long we're not [ __ ] surprised because irish people know better than anybody that british people take [ __ ] ages to leave but they were told it was going to be fast weren't they they were told it was going to be fast they were told it was going to be easy they were there it was sold to them as this is going to be like leaving tesco value club just unsubscribe from the email sent in your card and we're done and in reality it's been more like leaving a gym drake debbie's gonna go out for five years i'm what five years a director i barely even used to the eu i didn't know we were even in it for a time right now boris is in brussels going would it be possible for us to use the pool on the weekends on the weekends because we use the communal areas could we use the common hilarious could we maybe no okay yeah okay cool cool cool cool i'm i'm going to make a suggestion and please don't mention it to them please don't don't say i said this would it be possible to get an off-peak membership like i i got it wrong like i i move towards this uncomfortable truth for myself and move by it because there's something better on the other side i was wrong as well as loads of us were wrong they did really want to leave they did and they proved it by electing a known gobshite a known gobshite and i use it in the term i use the term gapshot in the sense that we all mean it and they don't really understand a gobshite there is a hierarchy of idiocy in this country it begins with egypt and it ends with gobshite everyone you know is in egypt every you hope that they are everyone's a bit of an egypt if you know somebody that says uh he's nobody's egypt he's usually no crack whatsoever you've come out tonight to act the egypt there's a good living to be made from being a bit of an egypt and you can the reason why it's okay is because you can formerly be in egypt it's not a static position for his gob shy you're done you're done that's who you are you can formerly be in egypt though you can be like remember sean jimmy shawn what a [ __ ] agent he was oh lord what's he up to now works for google fair play sean you don't know the names of all the egypts in your life but you know the gobshites by name and you try to avoid them if you're not working with them or marry to them and that's a question and that's why the tension comes up into the room some people quite straight-faced looking at me now going hmm am i married too or am i myself and that's probably a positive question to ask i mean that's a good sign right if you're asking yourself am i a gobshite chances are you're not because gobshides rarely have the capacity for self-reflection right they're rarely mulling over their lives in the window no if you're wondering the people around me or anyone i know or someone i'm related to or married to are going out with a gupshot you need to ask yourself three simple questions number one are people regularly angry with them for reasons they find hard to understand number two people really tuned in number two do they regularly use the phrase how the [ __ ] was i supposed to know that [Applause] this is the acid test this is the acid test at family functions before the guests arrive does somebody pull them aside and say don't you [ __ ] open your mouth this time i did look it's hurt right it hurts the whole day i got very upset i marched i signed stuff because i thought they didn't really want to do it they just needed to check it again and i thought that was something we shared as a nation check it again we all believe in checking it again check it again check it again is that on yet is that on the other side check it again did you lock the door did you lock the door i've got to [ __ ] check it again now i'm getting those exam results checked again built into your life we believe in check it again so much on every referendum we go best two out of three it's built into your life if you close a word document on your laptop this was an irish idea you should close a word document on your laptop it will say to you are you sure i'm going to save the changes i thought they'd want to do the same with their country but they don't they don't and it hurt it hurt that discomfort of knowing oh we don't share that it was tough and it was tough knowing the ignorance that's there the ignorance too they didn't know there was a border let alone where it was they didn't know there was one most of their knowledge came from dairy girls you gone what what really and you'd have mps coming out on the front lawn of westminster and saying the words i think ireland is the reason this is all happening and taking so long i think ireland if they had any moral courage they would simply join the uk and leave with us i love the derisive laughter that gets there though because in england when i tour this uh there's parts of the country where people that's not bad right there whoa why didn't nobody suggest that honest to christ the idea that we would join the uk and leave with them is the same for us like being at a house party enjoying yourself in the kitchen when somebody you're barely connected to walks in and goes we're going [Applause] [Music] yeah like i know we're friends and all i know like but i think i think you think we're better friends than we actually are but i yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i know we arrived at roughly the same time but what no i don't know i don't know whose party this is either i don't know how it works i arrived with some alcohol i appear to be getting an awful lot more back fairness but uh i'm not going to do what you're doing no you you can head on because i have a feeling that this party is going to get an awful lot better for me when you [ __ ] off but they got so upset i got so upset over it i don't know if you shared it but this really upset over it and now i'm like going to all my upset and going well why why and what's better on the other side like a thing i get most upset with is my son michael he is nine years old parents in the room will know this feeling you get so upset because you think whatever problem you're having with your child it's the biggest problem that any person has ever had with a child and you know this now and he's nine because you're at pick up and you hear parents saying things like we're very worried about alfie he's not he's not walking yet how old is alfie he's 13 months and he's not walking yet he's bum shuffling everywhere he's bomb shuffling everywhere is he yeah how many people did you see bum shuffle into this show alfie's gonna walk shut the [ __ ] up [Applause] a few parents with kids above the age of five there because you know that at nine [ __ ] gets real it was really real like the problems that you had then seemed so tiny compared to nine-year-old mikey problems he's at an age now where he's gonna remember everything i say to him you can't shake him and say sure no strange applause from one corner there that's the good stuff yeah not like a nine's tough because we all remember being nine and and you're you're afraid to be honest with them especially when he's lying like he started to lie like all nine-year-olds a few porkies sneak in but mikey's lies are just such crap lies i don't mind if they were good they're just shite lies here's an example of one i'm cleaning his room and he's playing with his lego and i pick up a pair of superman underpants from the corner but this big pick them up and uh check do they need to be washed and they definitely need to be washed he sees me looking at the pants he sees me looking at the skidmarks i said buddy are you feeling okay okay okay and you do you're concerned for his digestion you go you're right he goes uh oh those are not mine what andrew wouldn't even try that [ __ ] come on [Applause] what are you doing not yours what the skid marks of the pants he goes oh the the skid marks all right well let me get a [ __ ] bigger problem put these planted skid marks in your pants and put them in your room i don't want to say to him i don't know what to say because it's you know they're creeping in and you're like well what do we tell them here is honesty is the best policy we all know that's not really true most of you aren't in relationships or have jobs or have car insurance without the ability to bend the truth a little bit so honestly the best policy is not a good servant to your child particularly if you're trying to make them glick someone is so invested in this show i love it and you're also afraid that by being really honest with him you'll hurt him or diminish him in the way that the truth is sometimes hurt you maybe the best bit of parenting i've done in the last 12 months came when i was brutally honest with him he arrives him from training football mode all over him arrives in and just comes straight up and he goes i'm finished i'm done i'm not doing i'm playing i'm sorry teddy i'm not playing football anymore i hope i can't play football anymore i'm not doing this what why why not i'm no good [Music] as i compared to who daughter i don't know i've made him into a traveller or something i've seen so bad this is bad now i'm sorry i have to rewind this whole thing here gotta take this again comes in from school in the mud this is a bit is suddenly way funnier on the third telling comes in from covered in covered in mud wearing his training here he goes [Applause] i um i'm causing i'm quizzing football so teddy no teddy i i'm quitting i'm not playing football anymore i said why because i'm not good i'm not good tears in his eyes it's like mike you not good compared to who he goes two other lads at school might be the best bit of parenting i've ever done in my life got down to his level i said mikey you're all [ __ ] space lit up it was beautiful knowing this wasn't the limit of his potentials like look they're they're they're [ __ ] too they're just slightly less [ __ ] than you right now i'm better than you at football and i'm [ __ ] as well and i get like we get so much like there's so much curiosity about us having one child it's the same here too it's not a british thing people say to you in england though in a really intrusive manner or they say one child are you trying for another as if staggering this question makes it any less [ __ ] rude i never i'll never answer them i'll never answer and you should never ask anybody that question because you don't know their story you don't know their history you don't know their wife's medical history you don't know if they've lost children or genuinely lost children like what happens the reason why we've only got one child i open up to you guys you're such an amazing bunch i'll tell you the reason why we've only got one child is because a while ago [Applause] your disruptive table your disruptive table you're you're in it i get it but you were leaning in so far that you knocked the drink off okay okay tune in and we'll take two again okay reason why my wife and i only have one child it's because a while ago uh we realized it was a mistake thank you thank you i knew you'd get it i knew you'd get it you're a good bunch you get it you get that i'm not talking about him specifically right you get that i'm talking about all children nah look come on none of us should be having them let's be honest parents in the room admit it none of us none of us are qualified none of us should have had them none of us are qualified there are people in the world that should have kids chances are none of them are in this room right now that's the true one percent that one percent kids are miracles because it's a [ __ ] miracle they're surviving these idiots that are trying to raise them it's absolutely extraordinary i don't know how i mean the idea it's just a pure ego it's obviously nature but it's so much ego the most egotistical thing you can say is i am going to create a new person in my image using my dna i'm going to raise them feed them nurture them and teach them how to be a fully functioning member of society even though i regularly push doors marked pull this struggle this is a struggle and it's why like i get so upset and why all of us get up so upset with it but if there's if there's one other person we get upset with it's our colleagues right your colleagues the people that you the gop shouts that you work with because no getting away from them you're stuck with them that's that i mean you either move job or they get fired or whatever but that's that that's who you got day to day my colleagues are laptop and printer laptop good guy in every day in every day up first saying hey jr what's going on updated my system is overnight let's write some goal let's do it sometimes he's a bit off-putting distracting sometimes he'll be working away and laptop will be like jar jar jar jar jar look at these chits so inappropriate i'll look at them later on printer on the other hand i think we can all agree biggest [ __ ] in the home office there's one job to do one job to do [ __ ] it up every single time literally without fail he's the biggest loudest [ __ ] in your hair what the [ __ ] is this i never asked you it's a job i asked you to do two weeks ago what's this how did you even get a hold of this it's a test page that's a [ __ ] test picture how low in self-confidence are you that you need to remind yourself of everything you're capable to do it's even on this a bunch of lines and squiggles you've never been asked to do and a picture yourself you took a [ __ ] selfie in the middle of this what the [ __ ] what are you doing like what's going on my printer worked in your office mark my words he would be up for review every friday you'd see him you'd see him in the boardroom you passed by the last pain boss would be circling his seat he'd be sitting like that boss would be like i want you to once you here's what we'll do this week oh lord here we go right why don't you tell me what you think your job is because i think that's where the confusion is you tell me what you think your role is here i go i'm gonna i'm gonna go i'm gonna go with print you're going to go with print you're going to go with print okay cool cool i'm glad we're all on the same i'm not i'm not even going gonna finish that sentence right hold on if you know that's your job why then why then laura asked you to print something yesterday you tell me what you did in your own words you tell me what you did with that job i want to hear from your met on on that particular occasion i i did i i i i add the page you add the page you add the page you get how wrong that sounds like you swallowed it we can't get it back it's gone if you open me up at the back there i asked you to print something two days ago you told me you told me say it i told you was in the queue i told you something i was the only person in the office i was the only person in the office do you know what a cue is i don't print anything i don't print anything i'm in a paperless office now well that's that's a lie every everyone's in a paperless office it's not because of greta tunberg it's not because of the environment so people are going i'm working with these concepts i i only print one thing from my boarding card when i'm coming back to dublin a lot of you now go what why wouldn't you ask why wouldn't you ask phone to do that he loves doing that his phone's under enough pressure as it is phone is handling all of your [ __ ] phone's got your emails your uh contacts your dick pics the lot he's frantically nervous at all times that's why your most your phones is in your pocket right now go i'm gonna make it home why are you messaging everybody i'm like phone take a breather take a breather prince is gonna earn his money for once get down to his level it's like half 11 at night coming home from a show say printer got a job for you i need you to print a boarding card no you know the job it's a two-page document i do not want the second page he [ __ ] loves printing the second page so sometimes they'll give you the second page firstly i told you not to print it and i and i'm like this is the maddest i get i get so furious with this machine and i can't be someone else as well just like [ __ ] printers don't know we're really reaching that point in the evening where people are getting super super anxious but [Laughter] i get so mad at him and i'm like well what's his side of this if he could give his side of this what does that look like my boss [ __ ] hot head for absolute [ __ ] red hot old times walks in the room he's like print it i'm like what what brother what do you want me to prince if you do not connect me to your laptop i do not know what you want me to bring this guy is constantly angry at me constantly me of all the appliances he could be pissed off out in his house he's pissed off with me his home printing press this doesn't make any [ __ ] sense toaster toasters in the kitchen pride a [ __ ] you talk about having one job to do has even got a [ __ ] burn setting on it and it's never toaster's fault so i was like oh i'm so stupid do you know how many of my colleagues i have watched choked to death on paper they should not have been fed and i thought i thought i see him angry every day but i thought this is the angriest a human being could get and then the other day i saw him plug in his phone for two and a half hours and come back and realize he hadn't got it turned on at the wall that's the maddest a human can get i had to look away sorry people have said to me on numerous occasions why don't you write a stand-up comedy show about being an irish man abroad and i say to those people because the stuff i have to say about that is too controversial and people wouldn't be able to handle it so tonight i'm gonna do it i'm gonna say it to you so get ready get ready i guess for me the hardest part to understand about being an irishman abroad is the differing views of irishmen at home versus when they go away yeah for the women in the room if i ask you to think of irishmen you go [ __ ] nightmare absolute right off over mammoth over mammy wouldn't know romance if it hit them in the [ __ ] face make a [ __ ] effort make an effort by and large some of you not on board yet but let's face it lads the lads that have been away know this that's our view here but when we go away be still my beating heart all he has to do all he has to do is open his mouth oh my god we had the niece it's the accent he's so soulful he's got such a free spirit that's the truth guys it's like it's like we're superman and our powers are useless on our home planet you meet you meet them all the time they come up together i couldn't believe it can you [ __ ] believe it you go away the car's gone mad i did not [ __ ] girlfriend i couldn't get a [ __ ] heart at home oh my [ __ ] i got a wouldn't [ __ ] look at me look at me they don't all talk like that but the lads that come up to you are in such a state of shock and ecstasy and running from pub to pub and like like you know we have to accept lads that there's something in the opinion that the irish women hold by and large of a lot of us there is something in it there is possibly and i i guess i'm rolling back on things i've said in the past there's possibly a recessive gobshite gene [Applause] okay and it rears its head every now and then you know if you've married you're married to you're going out with a good guy then occasionally he'll do something he'll be like what the [ __ ] that's like his uncle tony jesus that's we can accept that fellas if we can accept that and i feel like we can accept that that's in us and we have to force it down you ladies have to accept yeah get ready but sometimes you might be [Applause] a little bit mean yes yes lads yeah i said it i said it you see the [ __ ] reaction a little bit mean that's all i said a little bit mean a little bit that's all i said unbelievable all the lads today a little bit girls a little bit how many women in this room ask yourself this question have told an irishman to [ __ ] off for saying hello and tina said to me jared the problem is that they don't say hello they go oh yeah yo headband headband [Applause] i'm talking and i am talking to my friend no i'm talking to you like yeah yeah yeah yeah there's give and take here right there's stuff on both sides of this equation the reality is i'm married to one of you i'm married to an irish woman and if i'm being really honest hold it [Applause] she is a little mean to me and the truth is i like it and i probably need it i probably need it she's the one that told me i have two types of clothes close the cheeseboard for me and close the boat by myself she calls those unsupervised purchases you saw the tracksuit [Applause] i need it i need it that's the reality lights we might need it that's still a little bit mean still a little bit she's the only tina's the only person in the world i know that has responded to the sentence i couldn't love you anymore with the sentence try we gotta try lots we're gonna try a little bit harder we do yeah we all gotta try a little bit harder that hurt but we do need to try a little bit harder she's taught me everything i know about treating women dealing with women raising kids everything she's saved me from myself she's taught me a bunch of stuff that i didn't know such as if a woman ever refers to you as an animal in in any room other than the bedroom it is not a compliment she she has she has saved me from myself on countless occasions one particular one that sticks out was when uh and i was it resulted in me needing surgery but it does it it sticks out we were living opposite a meathead's gym you familiar with meatheads gyms they're not your regular jackie skelly there i know that's a really old reference that shows when i moved away it's not your ben don joom it's uh one of these it's one of these gems these lads are in there do you know these lads they're not training for flexibility they're training for power they don't turn at the head they turn at the waist they don't wear t-shirts they wear crop tops from topshop and they're lovely they're lovely guys i say that in case any of them are here they're not they're not nice fellas by and large these guys that were opposite me were not nice dudes they uh would would park their cars in the car park opposite our house where they were designated but late at night when they were kicked out eventually told to leave uh they would drink their protein shakes and play techno music with the lights on full while we're trying to put mikey to sleep i know and i wasn't old enough to shout out the window at them to keep it down because that as we all agree is the true measure of how old you are age is just a number the true measure of how old a person is is how willing they are to shout out the window of their house at strangers that are making too much noise simple as that i was not there i was not old enough to do it i was just behind the curtain going [Music] and then one day it happened then one day it happened i guess i reached that age i was walking into my bedroom with the towel in hand i just gotten out of the shower so i was fully nude anyone anyone looking for a visual there walked into the room fully nude talked up to the nights [Applause] towel in hand that's not shocking for a lot of the men in the room you're like yeah of course you do what's the point in hitching it around even if the window curtains window curtains uh are wide open because we don't have to worry about people trying to sneak a peek this is again more male privilege is girls i get it you guys have to hitch it up so that nobody tries to sneak a peek we leave it there hold the towel because if any one was to look in the window it'll be a form of punishment for them ah [Applause] [ __ ] looked up there walk in towel in hand talks up to the nines and uh there's a dude in the meathead's car park getting into his van wearing a polo shirt that is sprayed on getting into the van smile on his face locked in on the window locked in i mean i have never had people down in my life my first reaction was oh my god sh he's still there still there looked around he's still there wait little smile on his face waiting for the show to continue complete shock closest curtains tayden taking it up here quick taylor what tina there's peeping thomas the window what it's pimped up i don't know why i wouldn't yeah i would have thought it was a form of punishment as well here he is i'm gonna shout out the window adam i know i've got to the age she walks up the stairs drags herself into the room walks over to the curtains it's a sticker on the side of an autoglass repair vanjar [Applause] and that is how i wound up getting laser eye surgery dublin thank you so much it's been an absolute privilege thank you so much [Music] [Applause] break [Music] uh [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Jarlath Regan

Views: 188,489

Keywords: Jarlath regan, notions eleven, irish comedy, irish comedian, standup, irishman abraod, vicar street, comedian, drinking comedy, difference between irish, relationship comedy, foil arms and hog, live at the apollo, Netflix comedy, comedy special, Netflix is a joke, viral comedy, extinction rebellion comedy, foil arms hog, Irish accent, Men vs women comedy, Men vs women jokes, Battle of the sexes, funny, ireland, irish comedy show, YouTube ireland, funny videos, live comedy

Id: M1X_KesTZ-I

Length: 61min 32sec (3692 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 26 2022