Jackie Mason Dean Martin Show

my next guest was on the show before he made us all laugh then and I'm sure he'll make you laugh again tonight very talented guy Jackie Mason thank you very much it's a thrill to be introduced by Dean Martin because not many people have the knif to go like this in public anymore no yeah he happens to be a wonderful guy and I came here as a personal favorite to him I don't need this I'm telling you right now I'm going to be a very big hit I don't know if you're going to notice it well sometimes you could be a sensation and not everybody appreciates it different people have their own point of view about the same thing you can't please everybody I don't care how great you are this is true in every field no matter how great you are not everybody's going to like you like take a look at this guy here's a guy to this girl he's a sensation I'm looking at the same guy don't get it personally it's not your fault wait a second in your case I think it is it's just that different people have a different point of view about the same thing like I never expected to be in Show Business I never did and I don't need this you think I need this I got enough money to last me the rest of my life that's the truth unless I want to buy something want going to be honest with you I'm no matter how much money you make in this country there's a government here I don't know if you heard about it they keep in touch with me I don't know why sometimes I think they depend on me for living I told them don't bother me I need you I'll call you it takes a lot of life to follow me around wherever I go to ask for money how does it look it's enough already they have a lot of knife I say that publicly don't get nervous it's not that I don't love my country in my country I would give my life with my money let's be honest about it when I was staring you think they sent me money for years I was starving starving didn't even send me a card how do I feel oh know maybe I need a couple of dollars couldn't care less soon as they found out I'm making money they became a partner I won't hyp me if they asked me once a country could be in trouble once this is the third year in a row I told them I gave already he asked somebody else soon or lady got to learn to stand on your own two feet I told him I said what are you going to do when I'm gone you're going to close up the country all these are jokes Mr you see let me explain it to you you come here sit with him you see if a poor country ask you for money you don't mind how does it look this is the richest country in the history of the world that should come to me for help how does it look you know what the budget in this country was last year Mr look who I picked out to not the the budget last year I'll have to explain it to you you don't look to me like too intelligent a crowd I'll tell you the budget last year was $187 billion you know what I gave them $12 now do you think without my2 they couldn't get a log I told them if I spend $187 billion then if you're $12 short I'll help you that's my best joke missed it you see if a country like Afghanistan asked me for money I could see at their whole budget last year $6 I give them 12 they got enough for two years but a country like this with Johnson at the head of it you know how much money he's got a fortune and I make nothing I have to help him I told him you need more money than you got go to away I know he's got to be a president to can't wake a whole day got a part-time job you don't want to work how about lady boy Linda boy Lucy beIN boy three boys were not a job let him get something from a pet shop anything let's be honest about it they don't even have to walk the W they could fight it I'm not saying this to pick on the president don't get the wrong impression let's be honest I don't mind losing at solivan I don't want to lose a country but let's be very honest about it this whole thing is becoming Preposterous you don't come to me for this much money why the I love my country how many times I have to tell you the same thing if they spent my money for things that I could use or I get something out of it let's be honest if I get something out of it I'm glad to help out but they spend my money to build things and to buy things I don't need and I can't use last year they spent $ 11 billion to build roads I don't need roads that's right I haven't got a car I told them buy me a car build your road the road they building is not even in my neighborhood why should I pay for somebody else else's Road even if I had a I couldn't get to that road because from my house to that road there's no Road I better stop talking like this from lines like this you could be drafted yet I'll never be drafted I'm not worried about it I have a new classification AG G after George Hamilton as a matter of fact I don't want to say this about George hamton because I think he's a dedicated and a great American and he's a wonderful person too and he's a brilliant man too I don't know if you heard about it since George this is no time to go for work since President Johnson did you read about it President Johnson's rating has gone down in the public opinion polls and has gone down very badly I don't know if Johnson knows about it but I guarantee you George Hamilton does as a matter of fact I heard a rumor did you hear about it he just called up Governor Romney's daughter for a date don't you understand anything at all Mr what language do you speak I'd like to make contact with you there I am sweating and this guy's looking at me like this and I'm not even telling my best jokes because I don't want to tell my best jokes why should I tell my best jokes for these prices even if I could keep the money the inflationary spiral I found out in this country is so fantastic the value of the dollar right now is gone down so fast the greatest problem we have in our domestic economy is the fact that the value of the dollar has gone down so fast that it doesn't pay a go tow did you know that the longer you save a dollar the more you lose you hold it long enough it's wiped out that happens to be the truth the dollar of 20 years ago is only wor 7 cents today and the dollar of today will only be wor 7 cents 20 years from now if you put away $20,000 now you know you'll get back 20 years from now tops a dollar in a quarter so why save money you're wasting your time you better give me your money Mis the whole thing don't make no sense because there's other things that go up every year not money bread did you hear about bread a loaf of bread 20 years ago 7 cents did you hear about it today the same loaf of bread is maybe 30 so if you save bread instead of money you can be what a fortunate I never do this for years I was eating up my profit now I go into a restaurant I see bread I don't need it I put it in my pocket I don't care checks I bread them let me explain this to you you're lucky I'm not busy I'm on the wrong side again I hope too many people don't take me too seriously because you know a lot of people are liable to think that I believe in these things only reason I make these speeches because I'm giving up this country I'm going to Russia I'm not ashamed to tell you to me Russia is the best place do you know it's the only place in the world where are not worried about communism and I'll be honest with you I'm not worried about communism you because I know in case of a real War I don't know if you heard about it we got seag bombers that would be up in the air in 15 minutes that's right now the rest of us would be up in the air in two that's the trick to beat the bombers in the air I don't want to talk too much on these subjects because let's be honest about it I thank God that I live in this country and I know who I am I'm no great philosopher and I don't want people to think that I'm presumptuous enough to believe that I am I thank God that I live in this country let's be honest about it I know who I am for years I didn't know it's a lucky thing my psychiatrist told me who I did well I walked into his office he said to me right away he said this is not you you I said it's not me then who is it is it you he said no it's not me either I said then who needs you he said I'm here to help you look for the real you cuz you're no kid if I don't know who I am how I know who to look for and even if I find me how I know if it's me besides if I want to look for me what do I need him I could look myself or I could take my friends we know where I was we'll know where to look besides I said to myself what if I find the real me and I find that he's even worse than me why do I need him I don't make enough of myself I need a partner 10 years ago I've been great look for anybody now I'm doing good why should I look for him he needs help let him look for me he said the search for the real you will have to continue that'll be $25 please I said to myself this is not the real me why should I give him the $25 I'll look for the real me let him give him the $25 to make emotions I think I'm finished and if I don't get off I'll be not only finished here but in the whole business because this happened once before and if it happens again woo so let's go goodbye

Channel: Archy L

Views: 181,236

Keywords: Comedy

Id: I1oQnDO9fVE

Length: 8min 57sec (537 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 19 2013