I got a, like, rug bird on my arm knee like four months ago and it's still freaking dark there. I think I got a scar from rug burn. What the hell is an arm knee? That thing. That's...That's a fricking elbow. What's the word for horny but not in a sexual way? Like, I'm horny for Halloween but I don't want to screw a pumpkin you feel me? Do...do you mean excited? Dude...imagine if you could screenshot real-life. Camera. That thing you're talking about is a camera. Imagine if worms had legs. Centipedes! Today, I forgot the name for cauliflower, so I called it albino broccoli. That's actually not that far off. So we have an Italian exchange student at our school and he and I were hanging out, and he saw a pony. He tried to show me but he didn't know what it was called. So he just pointed at it and said "look, the compressed horse!" and then he just grinned at his complete understanding of the English language. (that's precious) Dad just said "there should be a Netflix for books". Five minutes later he shouted *gasp* "The Library! I was talking my boyfriend and I was trying to describe a type of marine animal but I couldn't think of its name So I said "sea pancake". Manta ray. Manta ray is the word I was looking for. I couldn't think of the word for tea so I said England water. I just remembered that one time, I was high and referred to Hamlet as The Fresh Prince of Denmark. What if snakes did tiny little arms and legs like oh my french god! So apparently those are called lizards There are two types of people. I am literally the only one who commented on this! There should be, like, feelings hookers. Like you hire one to come to your house and they sit there for an hour and listen to you cry about your life then Afterwards you pay them a hundred bucks, and then you never see each other again. How perfect would that be? That's a therapist That's the thing. You just described. Oh Did signs survived the Titanic yes, two aries taurus gemini cancer virgo libra Scorpio Capricorn Sagittarius Aquarius and Pisces and no two Leo having a picture of your girlfriend Has the lock screen on your phone is the 21st century equivalent of keeping a locket with her picture in it This is actually such an adorable comparison not if you watch school days I'm getting flashbacks red instead of D sexualizing women's Halloween costumes We should sexualize men's costumes and make it equal. I want boys and underwear and cat ears I like your style kid good non-gendered words to say instead of dude to someone who doesn't want to be called a dude Buddy, bud pal neighbor mate partner, don't forget comrade mortal boring and disrespectful Oh I can't survive without my morning coffee energy drinks make it so that I can get through my boring work and so on Living properly treating caffeinated beverages like very mysterious and powerful magical potions that give us unforeseen abilities, dude Dude, dude, drink 15 cups of coffee in a day and you can clip through walls permission, sir I'm going into battle and I require your strongest potion genta macchiato plus five shots as usual then yep Get me that knowledge juice mage Do you ever just sit there wonder what life must be like for people without anxiety Like they just do things without worrying about them. First Wow. Anxiety is an excuse This is the chemical formula for love dopamine serotonin Oxytocin it can be easily manufactured in a lab. But overdosing on any of them can cause schizophrenia extreme paranoia and insanity Let that sink in dude. That's so fucked up dude. That's my Chemical Romance I went to the farmers market yesterday and not the honey guy's booth. There were all these bees just hanging out checking out the beeswax ABS fooling around the honey jars not being aggressive just really gentle and Investigating or something, huh bees work And as he was giving me a sample of the wildflower honey, one of them landed on his head He just took a drop from the jar and dab it onto his head for the bee When I asked if they were his bees he said no, but they show up every time I come out I think they just know my truck and this guy is Well-known among the local bees and lets him sit on his hand and eat his honey And I really really just like this big guy, dude. What more of an endorsement could you hope for Oh, Alarm you but you met a freaking Forest nymph Squidward Literally lives in a deluxe 3 floor loft and he's a cashier squared of her must be on Backpage selling ass Dude, SpongeBob's crib got like 10 rooms a library and a baby grand piano I'm sorry to think the Krusty Krab is just a front the crusty trap Yeah I mean it is shaped like a lobster trap once I was walking home with some Law School friends and they were like Why are you walking up that street your street is like three more Street's up Yeah, but there's a house on this street and sometimes they're golden retriever naps in the Sun on the sidewalk And I'd like to give him belly rubs now all the lost students walk up belly rub Laden because Law School is stressful and dogs rock and I bet that is their Happiest dog I'm trying very hard to live by cat principles. I'm glorious above all things I eat when hungry sleep when sleepy and play when bored Affection is given and received on my terms and only mine show displeasure clearly. No Demand things you want if they aren't given demand them again but louder this time if you are touched when you don't want to be say so if they continue to touch you make them believe I Think cats are really onto something here since my step dad cheated on my mom and he's being an ass I put a crap ton of that tasteless powder laxatives and all of his diet shake mixes He won't notice until he shorts himself and not be able to figure out why Update he soiled himself at Walmart and I haven't seen my mom laugh and smile that much for months. You are a hero Oh my god. I'm at the grocery store And there's this guy in the frozen section who has tweaked off his balls on some kind of a loosen airy drug I'm in the next aisle meowing softly through the cereal boxes where he can't see me and he is losing his mind pulling pizza boxes out of the freezer Popsicle cat my bad person August September Halloween November December I think you mean August September Halloween turkey Christmas I believe it's spelled hot as balls Frick at school. Again Halloween turkey Christmas Don't forget New Year's forever alone windy as Frick It's raining allergies. Oh, hey, it's actually decent wait, never mind and a partridge in a pear tree Man humans are lame Why do we have like wings and horns and whatever? Humans can't even handle having different skin colors how well do you really think that would go that's basically the plot of x-men literally the plot of x-men f is for friends who do stuff without you U is for Uninvited c is for clinging on to hope that you won't keep getting forgotten k is for Krispy Kreme YUM This is not what I wanted. They're supposed to turn out like one time I got in the shower A game out of no one was home and the lights were off my entire family went bowling and forgot about me down here in the divas G Attention sarcasm users, we're being faced with a serious issue It's You're either the friend or the Nick on the bright side, I'm not addicted to cocaine on the downside up to one crack cocaine Hello truck dealer. Yes. I would like to purchase one crack cocaine. Please debit or credit. I actually have a gift card What if like there was an exact copy of you somewhere? Except there the other gender Like you guys could literally have a Freaky Friday moment and nothing would change Imagine the best friendship that could be found there Myself, ah, there's two types of people Apparently, there are three what color are mirrors let's reflect on this Do you ever like go to put salt on your food then find it odd that we sprinkle tiny pieces of rock on our food Because we like how it tastes like How freakin weird is that? Am I right? I just realized we don't even know what dinosaur sound like they could've been speaking fluent German for all we know Hey guys, I'm making french toast sticks in the oven I'm gonna take a quick nap wake me up in five minutes so I can flip them over Chakras online now seeing John Mulaney do his robot test bit has given me a Strong desire to see him play a live-action Riddler, but not like as any other character other than John Mulaney Like let's just make a John Mulaney version of Edward nygma Just this socially awkward disaster man who somehow becomes a supervillain because of a misunderstanding He couldn't correct without seeming rude and now supposedly he's committed to killing Batman But he doesn't actually want to be the cause of a man's death. So he just Effectuates things with clues and riddles and battles of wits until Batman inevitably defeats him and he's just like all thank God Please don't kill me Batman psyche. You need help. Nygma. He's just like yeah, that's fair I should probably look into seeing somebody at this point I became a supervillain because of social anxiety and that just might be a red flag, you know. Hey Batman Think you've seen everything, huh? We'll figure out how to deal with this, you know, Gotham General Hospital Yeah, well, you'll never guess what I let loose in there riddle me this What has four hooves and presents a massive health and safety violation? I see you're there Batman and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing. Oh my god I need this. I need this. I need this in my life. Somebody give me a John Mulaney Riddler, please. Okay, okay No crossing you can stick 17 refrigerators in your pocket for god forbid. You put a face in a letter That's just crazy. Why the Frick is Sherlock Holmes his brother named Microsoft now Dinah no wrong. His name isn't Microsoft That would be ridiculous. His name's Minecraft. Actually now, it's manic Andreea the powerhouse of Great Britain What are your resolutions for the new year? That's an ATP back to hell with you projected timeline of global warming? 2030 the ice we skate is getting pretty thin 2100 the waters getting warm so we might as well swim and 2250 my world's up fire. How about yours? God these sexuality gender type flags are stupid and apart from the gay one No one cares what they means that that's the Welsh flag gender of the day wills my fellow people today We have a new abbreviation LGBT W. Lesbian gay bisexual trans and finally well Why is your ukulele so big well if you bite it and you die It's poisonous if it bites you and you die, it's venomous What if it bites me and it dies that means your poisonous Jesus Christ may learn to read what if it bites Itself and I die. It's voodoo. What if your bites made someone else dies that's correlation not causation What if we bite each other and neither of us die that's kinky. Oh My god how chicks put on lipstick. I can't stop seeing the beaks his mouth. So all of them are just I thought these were grapes why would grapes need to put on lipstick to fail beautiful how to cheer up in two easy steps? Whisper beep boop to yourself repeat until not sad. Why does this work plug your nose? Say Steve stop try saying boop ba-doop in a really deep manly voice So today I got physically removed from an Olive Garden for eating too many breadsticks How many did you eat all of them get out now? They're just there are so many freakin layers of obscurity to this joke and feel like I've learned another language by just looking at it God's amusing that feel when you help a friend with some family issues and only realize after the fact that he's gonna light you on fire as A result. I may made a mistake Midori a zoo coup 2017 It was the best mistake you have ever made for me Todoroki soto 2017 Your expression is not reassuring me about how much pain I'm about to be in Midori a zoo coup 2017 sweat dropping All right, this is a meme co-op post Chunga's is just a fruit loop cat reskin try to change my mind. I definitely am going to start practicing self-care more So, what was your favorite indie game Oh Nut dealer if you had the power to envision hell, what would it be like Okay, so, you know that moment when you're finally tucked in for bed Everything is shut off and you're on the brink of sleep when suddenly you have to go to the bathroom that moment but for all eternity what people think D&D is going to be like versus what D&D is Actually, like apparently I've made some people mad on tumblr because I compared D&D to goblin Slayer, but let me tell you something Also, I could have put in Connor super but I forgot list of words the Internet has changed for me forever Random stand basic thick top bottom daddy mommy little and feel free to add Benedict Cumberbatch, did you mean Sherlock strange the dragon who is also a Grinch? Alright tumblr explained your gender and Ted words or less without using boring words Like male/female non-binary masculine feminine or drowsiness go roll it around at the speed of sound My dad works for nintendo So you should just let me win and smash reblog if you support this hard-working single mom and her kids She worked herself to the bone Now PM you didn't try to wife or a husband or anyone again. Did you? Then explains In case nobody told you I hope you all have a great day and that it's free of any new pussycat Whoa What's new pussycat? Never got to work
