I recently read the story of a nurse named
Ebony. She went through this period of being angry about everything. Even the smallest
things would lead to a flash of anger. She said, "If you had told me in the beginning that
my irritability was related to depression, I would probably be livid." Now, when most people
think of depression, the emotion they think of is sadness. The media portrays the depressed
person as struggling to get out of bed, crying, drowning in despair. And while sadness
is indeed a key symptom of depression, it's not the only way it shows up. Anger or
irritability is actually one of the primary ways that depression shows up in children and
teens. But that anger doesn't just turn off when you turn 18. So today we're going to peel back
the layers and explore how depression manifests as anger and irritability a lot of the time.
To answer this we need to understand two basic coping mechanisms humans use when dealing
with pain: internalizing and externalizing. [Music] Depression isn't just feeling sad; it's a whole
body experience that can impact every aspect of your life. Symptoms include losing pleasure
in activities, changes in appetite or sleep, and often feeling sad, empty, or hopeless.
But researchers estimate that 30 to 40 percent of people experience rage or anger as part of
their depression. Sometimes these emotions can be so overpowering that one researcher calls
them anger attacks. He relates them to panic attacks. Other research showed that of 500 people
with depression, over half of them experienced anger attacks but that when they received
treatment, like antidepressant medication, that anger subsided for the majority of them.
Another long-term study found that anger is associated with more severe or chronic depression,
higher rates of substance abuse, and it's also linked to familial bipolar disorder. So why is
anger associated with depression? There's at least five reasons why depression might show up as
anger, and the first one is externalizing versus internalizing depression. When faced with painful
feelings some people internalize their emotions. They direct feelings of disappointment, guilt,
or distress towards themselves. They might think, "I'm such a failure. I'm a burden. Nobody wants me
in their life." So this is the face of depression that we're most familiar with. And strangely,
internalizing is actually a subconscious attempt to escape painful feelings of sadness. If I'm
incurably defective then there's nothing I can do about it. It's almost comforting to wallow in
self-deprecation. This is using internalizing as a defense mechanism. Now, on the other hand, some
people externalize these feelings. So instead of pointing their pain inward, they project it
outward onto other people or situations. It can feel really comforting to blame others for
your pain. So they might say, "Everyone else is a jerk" or "People are so inconsiderate" or "Why
bother? Why bother trying when the world is such a terrible place?" Or they might say, "Oh, it's
just hopeless because nobody cares." So when depression shows up as anger or irritability it's
often because the person is grappling with these feelings of despair or worthlessness and the way
they manage these feelings is through hostility or aggression. So that's externalizing. You take all
those huge feelings and you bounce them outwards in an attempt to feel better. Now, let's talk
about the second reason depression might show up as anger. So depression impacts your ability
to regulate your emotions. It makes it hard to work through feelings. This might make people more
reactive. They might be quick to snap, argue, or show impatience. They might have a low tolerance
for frustration and be easily triggered by situations that others would find minor. And this
also might explain why anger shows up more for children or adolescents; they often don't have the
emotional vocabulary to express their feelings. Depression can leave people feeling powerless or
out of control in their lives. So sometimes anger, expressing anger can be an attempt to like
regain control or express power or autonomy. Number three: depression colors your worldview. So
depression impacts your perception. It alters how you see the world. People living with depression
are more negatively biased in how they see the world. Small stressors feel much bigger, and big
stressors feel overwhelming. Neutral comments might seem like personal attacks, or a small
mistake you make might feel like the end of the world. So when this is overwhelming they
might be more likely to blow up in anger. And, you know, people with depression, because of
this negativity bias, people with depression may feel misunderstood or isolated, which is also
really frustrating. There's a few more reasons why depression might mask itself as irritability or
anger. So number four is suppressed feelings. For some people anger can be a defensive response.
It can serve as a shield. It keeps other people at a distance, and it protects you from feeling
these perceived threats or hurt or feeling sad or worthless is super vulnerable, and a lot of
people have been taught that it's shameful to feel this way. So sometimes it's just a lot more
comfortable to express anger instead. So sometimes people suppress these tender feelings of hurt or
sadness or grief, and they use anger to mask their feelings. It's a way of creating a barrier between
yourself and others to, you know, protect yourself from these big, deep, painful feelings. Problem
is the more you stuff into a box, the more likely it's going to explode outward when it's touched.
Okay. Number five: depression causes physical pain and emotional exhaustion. So depression isn't just
in your head; it's often accompanied by physical symptoms like aches, pains, physical sensitivity
to sounds or touch. People with depression often feel completely exhausted. And and that's on
top of the chronic emotional pain that someone's going through. So this constant, pervasive sadness
that characterizes depression can be emotionally exhausting. I think that's one of the things
you hear the most from someone who's depressed, is they are tired. When you're physically or
emotionally drained you're likely to have a lower distress tolerance. People feel on edge or they
feel testy. Right? They, this leads to explosions of irritability or anger. I think we can all
relate to this. Like, when I'm really tired, I'm much more likely to snap at my kids than when I'm
well rested. But with depression, it's not just like that they feel occasionally tired; it's that
they feel tired all the time. So that can feel really overwhelming, and it makes sense why they
just might seem angrier. So what can you do if you or someone you know is experiencing depression
that's showing up as anger or irritability? Let's talk about some of the steps you can take. So
first thing I would say is like find appropriate ways to express all those painful feelings so
that they don't keep bottling up. You could try therapy or start journaling. You could learn how
to work through emotions and challenge negative thoughts. Depression can often feel overwhelming
because it's just this accumulation of thousands of tiny thoughts or actions over the years that
have built up, but you can learn. When you learn to process emotions, many of the symptoms of
depression can be resolved. So that's the first thing I would say. And if you don't know how, I do
have a course on it: How to Process Your Emotions. The second thing I would say is take steps to
increase your physical resilience. So depression is as much in the body as it is in the mind, and
so anything you can do to improve your physical health is going to help treat your depression.
Start exercising, if you can. Try to get enough sleep. Set some boundaries on your stressors. Take
breaks. And try to get nutrients into your body, even if it's just like a multivitamin. So even
small steps can make it so that you aren't in as much pain and that you could increase your
ability to handle the difficult things in life. If you don't really know where to start
with that, I do have an another course on this um called Change Your Brain. And it teaches
you how to create some pretty big changes in your mental health, pretty big improvements in
your mental health that are backed by research, by doing these like tiny steps, one small
change a month in these little increments. And in the long run, you know, evidence shows it
can be very effective at treating depression. So that course is called Change Your Brain. Again,
link is in the description. Okay. So how can you help someone else who may have depression but is
irritable or angry? So first thing I would say is like they might be blaming you for how they feel
or expressing a lot of anger in your direction, but it's important to clarify that they are
responsible for their feelings and actions. It's not your job to change them or walk on
eggshells to keep them happy. So this verges on codependency, and you're trying to control them,
which is not your job. It's it's poor boundaries, and it's just not healthy. So instead, allow
them to feel their feelings, but remind yourself that even if they say it's about you, they are
responsible for how they feel and act. This is an important part of healthy boundaries that lead to
a healthy relationship. Next thing I would say is, don't jump on the anger train with them. When
someone's angry or blaming, it's easy to want to argue or attack back at them. It's natural to
want to feel defensive, but that's not going to be helpful. Try to look beneath the surface
of their anger and see if there's some more tender feelings under there. Maybe they're feeling
scared, insecure, or overwhelmed. Understanding and validating all those complex feelings
is a crucial for step two: supporting them. And then another thing you can try is mirroring
their feelings back to them. So you could use reflective listening to help them make words for
what they're saying. Like, "Oh, seems like you're feeling really angry. Sounds like you're feeling
really hopeless about the situation. Is that right?" Right? This is reflective listening.
You're bouncing it back at them what they're feeling. And then you can offer support, say
something like, "How can I help? What's one small thing I could do to support you? Would you like me
to help you find a counselor?" Things like that. Okay. Remember Ebony, the nurse? She had a caring
friend who noticed that she seemed kind of off. She wasn't her normal happy self. And her friend
gently encouraged Ebony to get some help. Now, because her friend was kind and compassionate
but firm about it, Ebony started counseling, and there she was able to talk about some
unresolved trauma from her childhood. And therapy helped her realize that she was still very angry
and distraught about it. So because she hadn't processed those emotions, the anger was coming out
on the people she cared about, like her sister and her husband and her co-workers. So after talking
through all that trauma, working to learn some new skills to work through those emotions, Ebony
was able to really treat that depression that was underneath all of that anger, and she got feeling
way better and she wasn't as angry all the time. So even though anger and irritability can be a
sign of depression, it's not hopeless. Depression is totally treatable. With the right support and
resources you and those you love can learn to stop suppressing your feelings. You can learn to
process your emotions and actually resolve them. You got this. Now, if you'd like to learn about
tiny steps and improve mental health in around 15 minutes a day, check out my Change Your Brain
course. You'll learn research-backed skills to fight depression and anxiety and how to actually
create a system to put them into practice and change your life. The link is in the description.
Thank you for watching, and take care. [Music]
