When you get overwhelmed by making a choice, when
you can't decide between A and B, you often settle for C or you end up paralyzed, procrastinating,
or making no decision at all. In this video you'll learn the three underlying causes of
decision paralysis and two keys to overcoming it. And I'll give you a hint: it has to do with
emotion regulation and executive functioning. Hey, if you want to learn more about how to work
through intense emotions and how to get better at tolerating those big, scary emotions, check
out my How to Process Your Emotions course. It's about 10 hours of content taking you through
these step-by-step process of working through big emotions, resolving them, and coming to a
greater sense of peace and self-control. The link is in the description if you'd like to learn
more. Now, there once was a woman named Frida who struggled with making decisions. She was a
perfectionist, and she always worried about making the wrong choice, whether it was what to
wear or what to watch or where to eat. She would spend hours if not days weighing the pros and cons
of every option before finally making a choice. Now, the tendency to overthink things became
a real problem for Frida as she got older. Decision paralysis was holding her back in life.
She couldn't commit to a career, a relationship, or even a simple outing with her friends because
she couldn't decide what to do. Her friends and family started getting frustrated with her because
they never knew whether or not she would show up to events or follow through with plans. She became
anxious and depressed, and her relationships suffered. One day Frida had to decide between
two job offers. One was at a large corporation with a higher salary but longer hours and more
stress and the other was at a small startup with a lower salary but a better work-life balance.
Now, Frida couldn't decide which job to take. She weighed the pros and cons of each option, but no
matter how hard she tried she just couldn't make a decision. She was so paralyzed by the fear of
making the wrong choice that she ended up doing nothing at all. Now, Frida's story is the epitome
of decision paralysis. Decision paralysis is when you get overwhelmed with a complicated decision
or a simple one - deciding "What should I major in at college?" or "Where should we eat tonight?"
might make you freeze up. You might avoid it, overthink it, delay it, or constantly second-guess
your choice. Now, this can lead to choice fatigue. Like, you might feel exhausted or just give up
on college or eating out altogether. The other thing a lot of people do is procrastinate. So
instead of just picking the topic for that one huge assignment, you do like a ton of little tasks
that aren't important, or you spend time watching shows or on social media, basically just anything
you can do to avoid dealing with that overwhelming decision. And this problem can happen to anyone.
In one study surgeons were presented with a pretty clear case where surgery was necessary, but when
they were presented with a bunch of other options, like a bunch of medications that were unlikely to
help but might help, then they ended up delaying that needed surgery. Now, there are three causes
of decision paralysis. Number one: it's harder than it's ever been to make decisions because
we in the developed world have more options than ever in history. Number two is making a choice
comes with risk - a risk of disappointment, fear, or regret - and a lack of ability to regulate
the emotional aspect of decisions impacts our ability to choose between options. Okay. Number
three: your brain struggles to make sense of important complex, abstract tasks. The word for
this is executive functioning. This is all about how your brain manages decision-making,
how it prioritizes what is important. The average human has a hard time evaluating
so much information, but for a lot of people with depression or anxiety and especially ADHD,
executive functioning issues can make it extra hard. Okay. So now let's talk about how to stop
overthinking decisions. Okay. So first let's address the problem with having too many options.
Barry Schwartz has spent years studying this, and here's a clip from his excellent TED talk.
Now, previous to this clip he describes how he used to just buy the only pair of jeans that
were available because there really was only one option, but recently he needed a new pair and was
bombarded with all the options: tapered, straight leg, boot cut, slim fit, button fly or zipper,
and washed or distressed, and so on and so on. So he spent an hour trying them all on, got the
best-fitting jean of his life and was still less satisfied than before because these jeans weren't
perfect. There were just so many other options. So let's hear what he has to say about how this
impacts our mental health. Buying a bad-fitting pair of jeans when there is only one kind to buy
is that when you are dissatisfied and you ask why, who's responsible, the answer is clear: the
world is responsible. What could you do? When there are hundreds of different styles of jeans
available and you buy one that is disappointing and you ask why, who's responsible, it is equally
clear that the answer to the question is you. You could have done better. With a with a hundred
different kinds of jeans on display there is no excuse for failure. And so when people make
decisions and even the though the results of the decisions are good, they feel disappointed about
them. They blame themselves. Clinical depression has exploded in the industrial world in the last
generation. I believe a significant - not the only but a significant contributor to this explosion
of depression and also suicide is that people have experiences that are disappointing because their
standards are so high, and then when they have to explain these experiences to themselves they think
they're at fault. And so the net result is that we do better at - in general, objectively, and we
feel worse. Okay. So the more options we have, the less satisfied we may feel. When we become
aware of this paradox, we can intentionally counteract it. You could say something like,
"I've got lots of good options. Every outcome will be okay," and then just practice
appreciation for the good things you have, even if they're not perfect, like a startup job or
a new pair of jeans. Even something as simple as a zipper is a pretty marvelous invention if you
take the time to appreciate it. Okay. Second: if you're struggling to make a decision, it's
very likely that you're afraid of something. Now, I'm a therapist, so of course I'm going to say
that the most important key to decision paralysis is to face the emotional problem first. In Frida's
case she was attempting to avoid uncertainty, which is an uncomfortable emotion, with endless
perfectionism, future analysis, pros and cons lists. Right? She was just going around in
circles. And it was just an attempt to eliminate the fear around disappointment or failure or a
poor outcome. So if we want to stop overthinking we need to regulate our emotions. Now, you can
learn this skill. Right? You can learn to regulate the emotions that interfere with making a choice.
So start by just asking yourself, you know, can you identify what you're afraid of? Are you
afraid that you'll regret your dinner choice? Are you afraid that you'll choose the wrong career
and be stuck forever? Like what is your fear? Just get super clear on it. Write it down, and
then ask yourself: if that fear really happened, how would you manage it? Visualize it. You know,
if you ate someplace terrible, could you tolerate the regret? If you chose the wrong career, could
you try a different one? And then accept that there are no perfect decisions. Like, making a
decision comes with risk. Life comes with risk. Choosing to take no risks in life comes with a
very high risk of being disappointed and lonely. For example, if you're afraid to choose
a major you'll end up working at the only available jobs at your education level. Life
will choose for you if you don't. Okay. Next, understand that - just acknowledge that delaying
decisions, procrastination, or getting frozen in indecision are all actually about risk
avoidance. So when you're uncomfortable, when decisions are uncomfortable, you have two
options to try to manage your discomfort. Option number one is to put tons and tons of effort into
never making the wrong decision, like Frida here. Right? Try to be perfect with your decisions, try
to avoid all discomfort by doing everything right. Does this sound a bit like toxic perfectionism to
anyone? Right? Trying to never ever make the wrong decision leads to constant rumination, regret,
and paralysis about choices. So what's the other option? Option two is getting really comfortable
with making imperfect decisions. Confident people aren't more likely to be right; they're more
willing to make imperfect choices. Forward progress includes mistakes and less-than-perfect
outcomes. Tolerating imperfection is a skill that can be learned. So for example, Ryan and I, we
often have a hard time deciding what to do on a Saturday with our four little kids. Children's
Museum? Too crowded. Out to eat? The kids will make a mess. Park? It's freezing outside! We
get stuck because because we don't really want to face the reality: doing things with our kids
is going to involve discomfort. There's gonna be some crying, some lost shoes, some messes,
some cold kids, and some fun, some adventure, some memories and opportunities to grow. So so
in this situation the solution isn't choosing the perfect, easy, comfortable outing with kids.
It's actually just picking anything and getting really good at being resilient. It's going with
the flow. It's accepting the messiness of it all as being fused with the joy of it. And when
you have made a decision, just celebrate your good decisions. Remind yourself of them. This
is how you build self-confidence. So here's three little mantras to get you through the fear
of making a decision: number one: any decision is better than no decision. There is risk in
making no decision. Something or someone else will decide for you. Create power over your own
life by choosing to make a decision. Number two: done is better than perfect. Number three: look
forward, not back. People are actually happier when a choice is final, when they can't go back
and change it. When you constantly second-guess a decision and ruminate on the what-ifs, you
make yourself miserable. Don't look back; look forward. If you didn't like that restaurant, say,
"I'll try Bombay House next time." If you stayed too long in a bad relationship, say, "I'll learn
from that to have better boundaries next time." Okay. So let's get back to Frida. One day Frida's
best friend sat her down and had a heart-to-heart with her. She reminded Frida that there is no such
thing as a perfect decision and that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and go with
your gut. Frida realized that her friend was right. Making a decision was hard. But making no
decision was worse. So she decided to take the job at the startup. And though it wasn't the perfect
choice, it ended up being the best decision she ever made. She was happier, more fulfilled, and
her relationships with loved ones improved. From then on Frida learned to accept uncertainty and
to just make a decision even if it wasn't perfect. Okay. So now that we've talked about the emotion
regulation aspect of overthinking, the second key to stop overthinking decisions is about
executive functioning. Now, making big decisions with lots of moving parts can overwhelm our brain
circuits. Our brains are not quite prepared for the difficulties of the modern world. Executive
functioning is the mental skill of organizing big pieces of information. It includes working memory,
which is how many ideas we can hold in our head at once. It includes organization, planning,
self-control, prioritization, time management, and flexibility. Now, because executive
functioning is a kind of complex topic I'm saving it for the next video in this series. Okay.
So I just gave you a ton of information about overthinking decisions. Let's summarize: you have
more decisions than ever, which leads to higher expectations and more disappointment. It's hard to
make decisions because you're afraid of making the wrong choice and being disappointed, but you
can develop the ability to tolerate emotions like fear and remind yourself that done is better
than perfect. You can learn the skills to handle imperfect decisions and still be okay and let go
of regret. Also, just remind yourself that you're resilient. You can handle an imperfect outcome.
And give yourself credit for the good decisions you have made. Just make sure to practice
appreciation for the good things you have, even if they're not perfect. In the next video
we'll talk about how to support your executive functioning. I hope that's helpful. Thank you
for watching. Let's get better at feeling. [Music]
