Indifference and healing from narcissistic relationships

hi everyone dr romini here welcome back to this youtube channel where i'm trying to address all the topics i can about narcissism and narcissistic abuse and just narcissistic personalities to clear up any questions misconceptions and also give you more understanding about what's happening in your life today i'm going to take on an issue around healing from narcissistic abuse and specifically i'm going to link it to the concept of indifference now indifference is a really tricky concept and it may not even be the right word here so if some of you watch this video if you're like you know what dr romney i don't think you mean indifference i think you mean this would love to hear it just drop it in the comments section because i struggled with the right word here but what we're going to talk about in this video is the role of indifference as being a very important step in healing from narcissistic abuse and if you're new to this channel joining us please subscribe to this channel just hit that button that says subscribe and we put out videos multiple times a week so if you hit that bell you'll get notifications every time we do put out a video so let's talk a little bit about this idea of indifference and and the role it plays in how a person heals from narcissistic abuse now this is a difficult video for me because i am suggesting that something that most people think may be bad for you could potentially be your salvation when it comes to healing from narcissistic abuse the playwright anton chekhov says indifference is a paralysis of the soul a premature death khalil zebron writes desire is half of life indifference is half of death i mean indifference doesn't have a very good brand does it and i'm telling you now i could pull 20 other lines out from very wise people who write about the utter destructiveness of indifference but yet when it comes to narcissistic abuse it may actually be a different conversation about indifference now some of these writers may be talking about the indifference a person could have about bigger ticket stuff in the world like the world's suffering or the suffering of your fellow human being that if we could become numb to the lives of many others that that would represent the loss of our souls and i'm down with that i agree but what i am hoping for for survivors of narcissistic abuse is actually a rather tall order what i want survivors to be able to do is to maintain indifference to the narcissist in their lives while simultaneously retaining love compassion passion for the people and things in their lives that are healthy and i want them to be active and gay and engaged citizens of the world it's a bit of a balancing act when a person gets involved with a narcissist and then things go wrong as they always do and this may even be a family relationship any narcissistic relationship the emotions are often quite strong in any number of directions in some cases you may still have a blind love a blind desire and an idealization for the narcissist that you cannot talk yourself out of no matter how badly you're treated no matter how hard you try that even when you are lied to betrayed and harmed no matter how many times this person gets in your face and hurts you you still feel this strong draw to them listen some of that may be reflective of the super glue that we call the trauma bond but it may also be the larger than life fantasy that is the relationship with a narcissist the other strong pull you may feel to a narcissist may actually be deep pity or guilt you may feel bad about their backstory and their backstory may have actually been pretty awful we know that neglect and abuse can sometimes pepper the backstory of narcissistic of people with narcissistic personalities so even though you want to pull away and set boundaries in this relationship you find it difficult to do so your guilt your pity your compassion and your desire to rescue them and save them is too powerful so you keep getting pulled in and then there's rage and maybe even hatred and deep anger at the narcissist you ruminate you can't get it out of your head how angry you are how unjust this was you may concoct fantasies in your head in which you fantasize about something bad happening to them the idea that karma is going to get them and that the person they left you for will leave them that their narcissistic supply will dry up you will ruminate and you will stew and you won't be able to sleep and you'll sort of be banging through the world all of these strong emotions in any of these cases means that you are still in this relationship and still experiencing the toxic elements of these relationships means boundaries are hard to set and hard to maintain that leaving is hard and you may still maintain hopes that get dashed by this person and you may still be living in an upside down gaslighted universe many people ask me am i ever going to recover from this relationship is this my life always pitying them or feeling guilty or craving them or hating them not necessarily the work of therapy of self-exploration of self-growth of finding meaning and purpose of forgiving yourself of processing the guilt and addressing the core wounds and beliefs that kept you in this relationship become essential to understand because if you can slog through the hurt of a narcissistically abusive relationship and start building your own life your choices growing your own passions and navigating your grief you may reach the top of the narcissistic abuse recovery mountain in yeah that means being indifferent to the narcissist in your life it does mean getting to the point where you really don't care what happens to them you also will no longer wish ill will on them you don't care if things go their way you don't care if things go wrong for them you just don't care you don't think things go right for them if you hear something about them it might just be met with a shrug yeah greeted with no more curiosity than you would have about the life story of a stranger in a grocery store i believe that asking survivors especially long-term survivors of narcissistic abuse to get themselves to a point of compassion and forgiveness or love and respect for the narcissist that hurt them is the wrong standard to set the confusion inherent in narcissistic relationships means that they still have the power to confuse you they still have the power to evoke your old triggers and i gotta say this i mean i'm being totally realistic 100 indifference is not likely many people still say that even after many years or decades if they ran into a significant and harmful narcissist who was in their life that they still have that sympathetic nervous system reaction if they saw that person their heart would race they may feel a funny feeling in their gut they may actually feel a little bit sick they may not know what to say they may even feel somewhat frozen this narcissistic person was once a profound and painful stimulus so even if you are cognitively indifferent to this person your body holds these painful memories in a far more primal way and it reacts and you feel it some people get scared when they see the narcissist if they run into their narcissist even after many years and that because you think that oh my gosh my heart is racing maybe this person still has a hold on me nah you're probably a little scared of them maybe and all the terrible things that once happened but you may still be able to look at them and shrug you may even feel relieved that this is no longer your life and you may be thinking like even though i feel sick seeing them i actually don't care what's happening in their life so yeah there will be that moment when you know you no longer never feel compelled to look at their social media profile or ask people about them it doesn't come for everyone i recognize that but it happens more often than you think listen personally i'll own it i've been to the narcissistic abuse rodeo it's happened to me and i have found that arriving at indifference was a game changer for me if i saw any of the narcissistically abusive people in my life again especially if i was surprised by seeing them i own it i probably would have a physiological reaction not to all of them but some of them but in all cases of these people i really no longer care if anything in the great karmic equation out there i really don't wish them any kind of ill will it's actually bad for my karma to do it and i don't care about their karma and listen i already got mad and said my nasty things that i wished for for them once upon a time but i actually think many of us will still have sadness for the people that those narcissists are still hurting with their behavior i'm not indifferent to their future victims but it's not my job to rescue them those people who will be hurt by the narcissist i once knew they can figure it out this is their journey and honestly if they want some information they can watch these damned videos but finding in by finding a difference for your narcissist you may free yourself to feel the opposite of indifference in the other evolving healthier and more meaningful parts of your life so yeah i guess the opposite of indifference is love and that you may be able to find that if you could give yourself permission to get to that point of indifference for the narcissist it does not mean that you are a soulless creature it doesn't mean that you're cold again i actually think it's healthier than you wishing ill will on them by becoming a difference you've really released the power they have over you it doesn't mean you're going to be indifferent to the other things in your life i actually think it opens you up a lot so you can feel those other things more passionately and more strongly and give yourself the permission to enjoy experiences and people in your life in a new way this process of indifference takes time it can take months it can take years and when the relationship's very significant like a parent or a long-term marriage it can take a very very long time yeah sometimes it doesn't always happen but there is that moment when you really feel it's almost an audible click you're like i actually no longer care i just don't care that is a profoundly powerful moment movement and moment so let me tell you i know what the writers and authors have said about indifference and i get it and i agree with it but in this one case as part of your survival from narcissistic abuse keep in mind that indifference it's a gold standard i hope that helps you but if you have a better word than indifference for what i'm trying to communicate here drop in the comments because i really couldn't think of a better one thanks again for tuning in and i look forward to seeing you next time

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 242,282

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: EmCPSeZ9W8c

Length: 12min 37sec (757 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 05 2020