WATCH THIS! To learn how to break the trauma bond with a narcissist

it can be eye-opening and it can be your salvation at some level getting out of a toxic relationship and the bad feelings that accompany it are a form of Survivor guilt self-preservation and self-protection are all very nice sounding words but putting them into practice is a whole other level a term that comes up often when we're talking about narcissistic relationships so let's take a step back and ask the question have you ever looked at your relationship and thought if a good friend told me that they were being treated in their relationship the way that I am being treated I would pray that my friend would run away from their relationship as fast as they can so that's an interesting conundrum because you'd say that to your friend but if that is how you are able to view your relationship but you still can't get out even though you would tell anyone else to get out of this kind of a situation you may very well be what we call trauma bonded the term trauma bonding pretty much encapsulates the entire narcissistic relational Dynamic and lots of people use this term so let's make sure we get some clarity on it some people have likened this idea of trauma bonding to the proverbial Stockholm syndrome now the Stockholm syndrome refers to this story in which a group of hostages ended up sort of falling in love with their captors so in essence they had created an emotional bond in the face of the trauma of being held against their will now frankly more recent research has debunked the Stockholm syndrome as a thing but the theme of trauma bonding is mirrored in some of what we see as sort of being the patterns or the top notes of Stockholm syndrome this idea of creating an emotional bond to somebody who's a perpetrator of harm in your life now trauma bonding is reflected in the classical narcissistic relationship cycle idealization devaluation and discarding it reflects trauma bonding reflects the very tight bonds that are observed in relationships characterized by unhealthy patterns and these unhealthy patterns include things like inconsistency invalidation devalue is a invalidation devaluation dehumanization and Chaos in essence the bonds are made even more watertight around the traumatic and cruel cycles of the relationship it's basically like equating abuse and Trauma with what someone is labeling as love now as I have talked about not only in this series but in many other videos the cycle of the narcissistic relationship idealize devalue discard Hoover and then start it all over again is very similar to the cycle of addiction and in fact the term trauma bonding was initially coined by someone named Dr Patrick Carnes and his work was very much focused on sex and love addiction but again it comes it gets at this idea of the addictive cycle of an unhealthy relationship now in a healthy relationship which someday may end because healthy relationships do sometimes end the ties aren't as convoluted and twisted because they are not traumatic bonds instead when you end a relationship that was generally healthy there may be a sense of nostalgia and even a sense of gratitude for the growth you experience in the relationship you don't feel that primitive sense of Devastation when a healthy relationship ends but perhaps you may experience a Pang and some grief real grief for lost memories and missing somebody but overall the overarching theme ultimately is often a sense of gratitude and Grace for a part of your story and you move forward from that intact now a lot of that is also predicated on having a history of secure attachment now trauma bonding is something else entirely it often happens at a blindingly fast speed and in that way because it's so quick it becomes easy to create the dysfunctional cycles of your past many people when they are entering into a trauma bonded relationship they'll describe it as intense and amazing and passionate and once in a lifetime and overwhelming but above all else it's fast and then one would say it's incredibly intense and the speed of these trauma-bonded relationship plays upon another key element of the trauma Bond it's the repetition cycle the repeating we see in the trauma Bond trauma bonding reflects an attachment style an attachment styles are set very early in our lives with what are called primary caregivers which for most people are their parents early relationships parental relationships that were carried by that were characterized by Push Pull chaos abuse intense emotion rejection and cycles of idealization and devaluation and discarding can set the tracks for chaos and invalidation this kind of sort of chaotic early environment can result in what we call anxious and or avoidant attachment Styles and people with those attachment Styles can be more vulnerable to trauma bonding Cycles as an adult if these if these attachment Styles aren't addressed in intense therapeutic settings now the quickness and the intensity of what are typically trauma-bonded relationships are often mistaken as chemistry and as I have written in books in the past that thing called chemistry is actually familiarity it's a new person's alternating idealization and devaluation reminds us of this early relationship we have with these primary caregivers it's a familiar chaos it's so familiar that it evokes something almost Primal in us and we mistake that dysfunctional early memory for chemistry it's like a developmental Deja Vu I've been here before and the mistake we make is to call it chemistry and romanticize it now children in trauma bonded relationships learn to do one thing very very well they learn to justify their parents abusive Behavior secrets to blame themselves and to idealize their parents to protect their parents a child really can't get their children can't get their heads around the idea that a caregiver is harmful because it really kind of leaves this big gaping hole if that if a caregiver is harmful then what who is going to take care of them kids don't get to have a plan B and so their sweet beautiful little brains sadly have to learn to justify rationalize and appease abusive parents that cycle can then potentially play out in the trauma-bonded adult relationship with the person even thinking about it it is that familiar that in fact to do it differently really would require some thinking so these relationships are quick they're intense they feel like chemistry they might even feel like magic and the trauma Bond as a result slowly gets thicker and thicker now I'm going to use this to take a strange little sideline here and talk about and talk about slot machines okay if you've ever played a slot machine you're going to know you're going to understand this but slot machines can actually help you understand trauma bonding narcissistic relationships work because they are like slot machines you know slot machines where you put the coin in and you pull the handle and if you're lucky you win an award where you win lots of money slot machines work on something called intermittent reinforcement it's a very fancy way of saying that you don't know when a reward is coming and you don't know how big the reward will be you know sometimes that reward can be humongous more often than not you don't get anything this kind of cycle reward cycle is the most difficult to unstick a person from and anybody who's ever played a slot machine knows that you play the machine you hold out thinking maybe I'm going to win on the next poll and maybe I'm gonna win on the next poll a healthy relationship is actually like a boring slot machine like imagine a slot machine where like every third pull you get some you get a dollar you put in a two dollars in you get a dollar back you put a dollar in you get a dollar back it would actually not be very interesting or exciting it would be reassuring and it would be healthy but it sure as heck wouldn't be addictive now regular slot machines the ones you see in the casinos they just take our money now sometimes they pay out just a little bit and that's enough to keep us in the game sometimes they pay out a bit more so instead of paying out you put in accord and you get five bucks and that really keeps us in the game and one day and we might see it happen to other people they may pay out a ton but most of us will never experience that but we keep sticking around and keep money in to see if it happens because after all it happened to someone else look there's our picture it happened to that guy but more often than not we put money in the slot machine and nothing happens but we keep sticking it out because we think we're going to get the prize the jackpot the reward that inconsistent reward is a key element of the trauma Bond the rewards and the occasional payouts a person gets in these relationships become the rationalization for the entire relationship but we had so much fun that one time we went to Paris and you didn't yell at me for that whole day and that one trip to Paris that one little jackpot becomes a rationalization for thousands of days of verbal abuse and invalidation a rationalization for all of the cash you put into that slot machine the trauma Bond means that for a person chaos equals love the old traumatic themes of a childhood for example your initial definition of Love which may very well have been chaotic are played out again and once again just like the child you label it as love because this new this adult chaotic relationship is so reminiscent of the child trauma Bond you make the same rationalizations and the same justifications as you did for your parents she really does love me he didn't really mean that uh she had a tough childhood he kind of does take good care of me in fact a big part of the trauma bond is something that I term the backstory problem trauma-bonded people make excuses for their abuser they make excuses for their abusive Behavior around for example their tough childhood or maybe a childhood where there wasn't that they were impoverished or understanding that maybe your partner wants to prove himself to his dad or you'll say things like oh he talks without thinking he doesn't really mean it the trauma bonded person is very good at one thing and that's gaslighting themselves so where do you see this link between narcissists and Trauma bonds part of it relates to that anxious and avoidant attachment cycle that characterizes the entire addictive relationship cycle narcissists often are able to draw Partners in with intensity charm Charisma and it often goes quick the love bombing can be exciting sexual experiences exciting travel exciting concerts lots of things that have nothing to do with intimacy by definition narcissistic relationships always require lots of justifications because without you making lots of rationalizations for this relationship there's often no healthy reason to stay you have to come up with those reasons because just as when you were a child you couldn't step away now trauma bonding can leave a person feeling like they're irrational saying things to themselves or to the world like I know this relationship is awful and unhealthy but I miss her or I still love him or I would take him back or I can't imagine living without her even even while a person will acknowledge that their relationship was unhealthy or even abusive this cycle of trauma bonding is why narcissistic relationships are so difficult to climb out of so what are you supposed to do because obviously lots of people leave narcissistic relationships I see it happen quite regularly in the work I do and I know it's not easy it's much more difficult believe it or not to leave a narcissistic relationship than it is to leave a healthy relationship which almost seems paradoxical but it is so the question becomes where do you begin first to leave one of these trauma-bonded relationships you have to acknowledge that what is happening is abuse I have to say that when my clients tell me their narcissistic relationship stories from the very beginning and the trauma bonding becomes very apparent to me as they tell me about their relationship oftentimes the first time I make a comment that the behaviors that they're reporting in their relationship are actually quite abusive they get quite surprised at my use of that word abusive it's a framework that they never even acknowledge they never even thought that that would be the word that would be used to describe their relationship but that's often the first step it's that willingness to acknowledge that these cycles and that their narcissistic partner or family member or whoever this person is in their life that this Behavior is abusive the second thing is you have to do the deeper dive into your own early attachments and this does almost always require the guidance of therapy you have to really look and see can you see the parallel between the cycles that are playing out for you now and that trauma bonded cycle from your own childhood and as an adult part of the fantasy is that you might be able to master to like grown up and and power through that trauma-bonded relationship that you couldn't do as a child you know the third thing you need to keep in mind is you have to recognize that this is not a slot machine in fact there is no jackpot here this particular slot machine called your narcissistic relationship is just going to keep taking your money and in this case in the case of a relationship it's not just your money it's your energy it's your authenticity it's your soul it's your heart the narcissist is really not likely to change significantly enough to make a difference and simply understanding that will break you out and can break you out of the blindness of the trauma bonded cycle the fourth thing is to judge the relationship in the here and now and that means you got to jump on the mindfulness train you've got to look at their lies now they're cheating now they're invalidation now and stop yourself from making these justifications and rationalizations when you do that these cycles look a lot less like love and a lot more like abuse and a lot less like a project where you're going to rescue someone the fifth thing is to make a list of the things that make you uncomfortable about the relationship and keep adding to it in your weaker moments when you feel like you're going to get sucked back in or hoovered back in look at that list it becomes a list of the abuse you have suffered and it may help you sever some of that Bond when you can look at it with more clear eyes the sixth thing is you've got to get therapy if you're going through a trauma bonded cycle this work is best done with a guide and someone who understands both narcissism and Trauma trauma bonding is very very much to me synonymous with the cycle of the narcissistic relationship now are there trauma bonded cycles that don't include narcissism absolutely it's a wider term but the fact is trauma bonding blinds you it confuses you and it plays upon your vulnerabilities you need to pay attention to those early heady and very quick days in a relationship intense and fast relationships are often danger signals that distract you from the abuse that inevitably lurks ahead the chaos and the sporadic sort of rewards make these relationships a very dangerous sort of casino to play in slot machines tend to be a sucker bet and very very few people win the jackpot but in this case this isn't just about some coins you throw in a machine this is about your heart and soul and you want to make sure you don't gamble your heart and soul away trauma bonding is real and it is painful but if you can have the opportunity to do the psychological work these bonds can be broken it's my hope that this video has illuminated some of the themes of trauma bonding for you it's a term that is often used when we're talking about narcissistic relationships and by understanding it you may also understand how in many cases narcissistic relationship Cycles are often lifelong cycles and I'm going to lay out eight common patterns we observe in trauma bonded relationships the term trauma bonded is often used to describe a key dynamic in the narcissistic relationship it reflects a pattern whereby a person remains bonded or remains in an unhealthy relationship characterized by manipulation invalidation and emotional or other forms of abuse early experiences of neglectful chaotic inconsistent and in some case frankly abusive relationships impact attachment and relational expectations and result in an equating of love and abuse or a relationship being a place where a person is always having to work to maintain a partner's interest while the trauma Bond most consistently plays out in adult intimate relationships it can also be reproduced in close friendships and relationships in the workplace the language of trauma bonding is a little tricky if used correctly it is never meant to blame a Survivor who is in one of these relationships but rather to lay out the unconscious dynamics that may not have been adequately addressed in trauma focused therapy so a person can identify these patterns and become aware of the pathological Dynamics inherent in the relationship these are very difficult Cycles to break and it definitely takes time in this video I want to lay out eight core Dynamics we observe in trauma-bonded relationships it can be useful to understand these so you are aware of what may be happening in your relationship so pattern one is justification justification is the signature move of trauma bonded and in fact all narcissistic relationships the Litany of they don't mean it that my partner is stressed my parent had a tough childhood it's not their fault blah blah blah justification in the trauma-bonded relationship is reflexive you don't even think about it it's a manifestation of the cognitive dissonance a way to break that inconsistent thinking I want this relationship to last this person is being cruel to me so you break that uncomfortable dissonance by saying ah I know they're being mean to me but they're stressed and they didn't mean it and then you get to keep the relationship now justification starts in childhood the child attempting to justify the narcissistic or abusive parents Behavior or words and this is how it becomes an almost reflexive pattern in adult relationships and not only keeps people stuck in narcissistic and trauma-bonded relationships but enables others number two is believing the future faking future faking is a key element of narcissistic relationships future faking is those many promises that are made in toxic relationships prom promises that are made about getting married having children where you're going to live sure I'm going to support you when you go back to school one day when I retire we can do this and that and it is also seen when things start getting unhealthy in a relationship and you may even start making moves to leave the relationship and then your partner says I am going to go get therapy I'm gonna work on myself and it never does really happen at least not in a substantial way and then you stay longer people and Trauma bonded relationships want to believe and as a result even a little future fakie throwaway statements become a branch to hang on to and to pin those justifications on people in trauma-bonded relationships may even share the future fakes With Friends my partner said that we are finally going to move so I can pursue my career closer to the city next year the move will never come and the trauma-bonded person lives in the hope but never in the reality number three trauma bonded pattern is you keep having the same fight over and over again there is sort of what we call a repetition compulsion to the trauma-bonded relationship the same fight over and over again happens with no resolution because the narcissistic or toxic partner has no intention of changing it may be about money about not spending enough time together about a past indiscretion or lapse and Trust about your respective families and it never ends the same fight every holiday season this is indicative of the lack of empathy or growth on the side of the unhealthy partner and the trauma bonded partner caught in a cycle of Hope and addressing the same issues and having the same argument but hoping for a new outcome a major piece that gets missed and the trauma-bonded relationship is that toxic personalities are really rigid and do not change so in the absence of that recognition the same cycle keeps repeating number four you have mystical magical thinking about the trauma bonded partner people may even point out to the trauma-bonded person how unhealthy the patterns are in the relationship and many people in trauma-bonded relationships will not be able to give clear and healthy reasons for staying in the relationship but rather we'll say things like I don't know it's just something about my person no one gets it but it's just something something this vague referencing is a form of magical justification that keeps a person stuck it's something nobody can understand right so it's magic when giving reasons for commitment we look for hard and heavy stuff respect kindness compassion mutuality reciprocity empathy and growth a person in a healthy relationship will be able to clearly articulate these clear reasons and not say it's just something number five pattern is fear of leaving a major theme in the trauma-bonded relationship is that even as a person gets closer to recognizing that this is not a healthy relationship and maybe I want to consider stepping away a fear overcomes a person the classical fear of most narcissistic relationships self-doubt about what if I'm wrong after so many years of making justifications and second guessing and being confused that confusion can drive a fear of leaving and going into the unknown trauma-bonded and toxic relationships are almost a form of indoctrination like we would see in a cult and the way a cult keeps people around is by generating fear of what is out there in the great unknown number six pattern is becoming a One-Stop shop for your partner in trauma-bonded relationships we see the trauma bonded person attempting to become a One-Stop shop for the toxic or narcissistic partner or family member not only their partner but they you sort of become trying to become a personal assistant who keeps everything running you try to be their friend their shrink a parental figure who soothes them their chef their housekeeper their cheerleader you try to look the way they want and be what they want which is exhausting because what they want at any given time can shift on The Daily and when they are not interested in you they do not want to be bothered so you just never know whether to be on or not this Zeal to be all things to the difficult person can overtake a person in a trauma-bonded relationship with a belief that if I do enough for them they will be happy newsflash they will never be happy not because you're lacking anything but because they're not capable number seven pattern is hiding your feelings and needs this may be one of the most painful patterns of the trauma-bonded relationship that you do not feel that you can share your feelings your needs your vulnerabilities and you know what it is actually true you can't share those things at least not without getting hurt but the pattern of hiding needs and feelings in a trauma-bonded relationship is not about a survival strategy it often reflects a self-devaluation and a fear of upsetting the narcissistic or toxic person again back to that proverbial walking on eggshells so holding back needs and feelings is a way of keeping the illusion of the relationship alive yes you are right strategically if you do decide to stay you do not get to share your feelings because it is not worth the strife and disrespect but that is from an informed place and you can intentionally cultivate new and healthy supports in a trauma-bonded relationship hiding your feelings and needs is a way to keep the relationship afloat and a devaluation of self after a lifetime of relationships in which your feelings were not valued number eight is rationalizing the relationship to other people or hiding the patterns from others and trauma-bonded relationships people often do not share what is really happening in the relationship with other people around them people who are trauma bonded are aware that what is happening in their relationship is not a good look but for all the reasons I have listed here people in these relationships are caught in a cycle of Defending it to themselves so obviously that defending it to themselves is going to extend To The World At Large much like a child who's growing up in a very emotionally abusive or chaotic or invalidating home who talks about their childhood in glowing or happy terms the shame of being from an unhappy family is overwhelming a trauma-bonded person may describe the relationship as good may talk about the future faked stuff as though it is really happening May hide the uncomfortable stuff or be very vague when speaking about the relationship what is so difficult about this is that it means that many trauma bonded people do not get the support they need since they are sort of offering up a Rosy picture of their life and in this way they may not be hearing the dissenting voices meaning that the patterns of justification sustain and the person in this relationship remains more stuck even in therapy and I have worked with lots of trauma-bonded people in therapy initially they will talk and share about the relationship and we'll back it up with and that what's happening in my relationship that's normal right this is just the daily stress of a relationship right and my job is to give them the gentle no it's not as many of you hear about the trauma bonded cycle you may recognize that these are Cycles we see in traditionally abusive relationships such as those observed in domestic violence in childhoods characterized by abuse and neglect an abusive workplace situations and these Cycles are observed in all of those and in any relationship characterized by trauma bonding you may be wondering is this permanent can it change and it is very effortful in fact trauma bonding is likely why when a person meets a partner who is stable and kind and come out and compassionate and no drama and will say gosh darn it this person is so nice and this whole relationship is so healthy but I don't know I don't think we have a connection in the absence of the chaos and the Frantic trying to get the partner to notice and jump through hoops it's a place that nobody recognizes at home it's not dysfunctional enough it takes a while to let go of those worn patterns of childhood and break out of the cycles of drama equals love abuse equals love invalidation equals love trauma bonding can change and it can and it does happen and it requires you to understand the architecture of these relationships and of yourself there is so much shame activated by these relationship cycles and then subsequent self-blame this isn't your fault it's the not understanding it or not getting it and sometimes once you get it you can start changing these patterns I hope this gives you some clarity on the trauma-bonded patterns that you might be reading this and saying ah is that what the trauma bond is I hope it gives you that Clarity and if you want to add anything to these eight patterns please do so just throw that in the comments so we can all benefit thank you and I wonder how many of you ask yourself this question why do I feel like I'm the bad person in my narcissistic relationship have any of you ever asked yourself that question like I feel like I'm the bad one if you do drop it in the comments it'd be interesting to see how many of you watching and saying yes I feel like I'm the bad one we're going to break that down before we get to that gentle reminder go to those video notes if you do feel like you're the bad person you do need some healing come join us in this healing program and hit that link and also please subscribe if you're new to this channel if you end up liking this video tiny bit of validation goes a long way for me so let's take this question on around trauma bonding and self-blame but why is it in narcissistic relationships that people despite being narcissistically abused that so many people feel like they are the bad person in these relationships so Channel we have talked about trauma bonding ad nauseam what it is the different things that that sort of describe trauma bonding but mostly we talk about how trauma bonding Keeps Us stuck in these relationships or drawn to narcissistic relationships in the first place what about after you decide to do something about your narcissistic relationship maybe you decide to end your relationship or maybe you decide to go no contact with someone or you massively gray rock or firewall or not only disconnect from The Narcissist but all of the enablers you do that then you look at the narcissistic person and they actually kind of seem sad to see you go or they seem kind of lost without you or they kind of slump about in a victimized way now they may still also do and say manipulative gaslighting mean things when you're around them but once you decide to do what you do to step away maybe you can see that they're impacted by it even if they don't say it and it's at that point that point where they're like oh this person's a little hurt nearly every Survivor of narcissistic abuse I have ever talked to or worked with will say I feel like I'm the bad person I feel like I'm a bad person because I'm not talking to them anymore or I'm not engaging or I'm setting these boundaries with my parent or my ex or my adult child or my friend or my sibling I feel like I'm mean I feel like I've become so dark-hearted and then it starts to slip pretty quickly from there and people start thinking maybe I'm a monster maybe I'm the narcissist pushing back on narcissistic abuse is no joke it sounds so easy in words oh don't defend don't engage don't explain gray rock don't respond walk away intellectually we can all acknowledge that those are all choices and probably good ones in a narcissistic relationship but when you make those choices you feel sick many people literally report feeling sick to their stomachs losing their appetite getting headaches just because they're setting consistent boundaries or when they finally say enough is enough and don't engage you know the dance you all do you know that if you stay in this relationship nothing's ever going to change and many people do stay just so they don't have to feel sick and don't have to feel like the bad person to not have to feel like that mean person actually doing it actually setting the boundary actually not engaging actually seeing that when you pull away yeah yeah and more than a few cases the narcissistic person may look lost or sad or pathetic they may actually look like they miss you or they tell you how much you ruined their lives or they go really heavy on all the self-victimized stuff it's a terrible feeling it's as though every trauma-bonded cell in your body orients toward not wanting to be the one that feels like the bad one the mean one the cold one and you may even feel that perhaps this relationship is sort of your Penance or your bad luck and you stick it out so you don't have to feel like a bad person if you really want to hear a sick Twist on this one I was raised in a very traditional Hindu South Asian family where I have had contact with many many people who are in terrible man marriages or a terrible family situations say I am being punished from my behavior in a past life I must owe this person you know talking about the abuser something so I'm telling you now I know about some deep trauma-bonded cultural religious stuff that can twist a person's mind so many survivors of narcissistic abuse are at risk for feeling that it's easier to take the role of enduring The Narcissist BS and maltreatment than it is to walk away and manage not only the discomfort of feeling like the cruel one but also manage all the criticisms you'll get from people outside of you outside of the relationship now there's no easy answer here it's a process you do have to pay attention to how you feel now when the narcissist is cut out of your life and they're not around you're going to feel better in many ways less stressed more content maybe even happy over time you may feel more Brave courageous and the less and less contact you have with the narcissist maybe even less plagued by self-doubt while some narcissists don't care if you leave many do and remember that abandonment and related issues are a part of narcissism so they may actually not do well when you go and there will be times you will be ruminating on that icky awful feeling of having done something to someone that does not feel good to you the more empathic you are the more this way of thinking is going to bring you down sadly this is where your empathy a wonderful part of you is actually kind of keeping you stuck your empathy makes you vulnerable to falling back into it as well because you don't want to feel like a bad person because you're not this is the legacy of narcissistic abuse I actually hate the most the idea that stepping away and setting boundaries and saving yourself that you have to carry along with that this burden that you're not a nice person and sadly the prevailing wisdom in the world is that the people who put up and shut up are somehow maybe they're not so mean right because it means that at some level survivors of narcissistic abuse cannot win they either have to be abused in the relationship or live with this sense that you did something bad well here's the good news over time that idea that you are bad it'll slowly fade narcissistic abuse changes Us in permanent ways it means that we cannot live like little children in a fantasy world anymore that we recognize that life is a series of really hard choices that are often unpopular especially if we are trying to attempt to protect ourselves and there's no magical moment when a fairy god person comes down and waves a wand and makes the trauma bonds go away or gives us a happy ending after our trauma bonds nope survivors of narcissistic abuse learn that to set boundaries and disengage is uncomfortable and unpopular and with time we recognize that no we are not bad people but that we did have to save ourselves and yet that felt really uncomfortable many of you know that I believe that a major part of healing is journaling and record keeping a powerful method of doing that pessimistic and awful as it feels is to write down all of the bad things that happen in the relationship I want you to keep all of the abusive text messages and emails when those trauma bonded feelings come up when you feel guilty or bad or mean please read all of that when you feel that you are being mean or bad or misreading the situation going back and seeing all that stuff you wrote down that was sent to you it can be eye-opening and it can be your salvation at some level getting out of a toxic relationship and the bad feelings that accompany it are a form of Survivor guilt self-preservation and self-protection are all very nice sounding words but putting them into practice is a whole other level and it's and it's a whole other experience for people who are trauma bonded you always feel like you're trying to swim against some kind of psychological current or Riptide so no I'm here to tell you you are not a bad person for setting boundaries and disengaging and creating distance from someone who harmed you and will continue to harm you you made a choice to take care of yourself the narcissistic person is making a choice too to abuse people including you they have the freedom to make another choice they just aren't their bad choice though cannot remain your prison hope that makes sense but that thinking I'm the bad person for these things I'm doing in this relationship like distancing myself and seeing the victimization on their face you are not a bad person that is a classic manipulation and I want to break you out of that I understand it's uncomfortable but all growth is uncomfortable trauma bonds can feel like super glue they feel impossible to get unstuck trauma bonds represent lifelong lessons lessons that are not good for you things like love equals rejection love equals shame and humiliation or that love means having to win someone over or please them or reassure them trauma bonds mean having the same fights over and over again justifying the bad behavior and the red flags pushing down your own feelings and not sharing them isolation and shame Sometimes some people will put it feeling a magical unnameable connection that you keep coming back to despite how bad it is for you the trauma bond is a catch-22 of sorts when you are in the relationship it feels terrible a lot of the time with experiences like in validation gaslighting rage manipulation [Music] dismissiveness contempt when the relationship ends or goes away maybe you break it off maybe they break it off you feel this terrible sense of emptiness you can't breathe you ruminate you feel like you made a mistake you feel anxious you're damned if you do you're damned if you don't so here is a little trick a little bit of mindful awareness that you can use or you can do while you are in a narcissistic relationship because I know I'm aware that many people watching these videos are still very much stuck in a wide range of narcissistic relationships and still not sure what to do so bear with me so next time that you are away from your narcissistic person maybe it's a few hours during the work day maybe it's for several days if they have to travel for work or something maybe for a half a day or a whole day if they go out to do something at such a time you don't have the narcissist with you I want you to do something I want you to pay attention to how you feel like I want you to really pay attention Journal talk about it do what you need to do but really pay attention when they are not there narcissist isn't around how do you feel I can't be the one to answer that question for you but I'm going to spitball a little here that for a significant majority of you the answers may be things like I feel more relaxed or in some cases you may sleep better I mean I know for a few of you if the narcissist isn't round you may ruminate about stuff like infidelity that's a separate issue most of you may sleep better you may feel more like yourself when they're not around you may breathe more deeply you may laugh more you may do things that you want eat things you want engage in activities you want you may enjoy the quiet you may feel like you are in a better rhythm you may find yourself to be more in sync with children with pets with other people that interact with your household you may feel a little less egg Shelly you may not feel like you have to be careful about what you do or say or feel like you have to move around the house in a tense and fearful way all of this gets tricky it's an important exercise the trauma Bond often means that people will say yes I enjoyed it I enjoyed the time away but part of that was because I knew they were coming back if I thought they were never coming back may not be so great but this isn't just the idea that I can fall asleep reading which I can't do in my partner's home or I can eat cereal for dinner and not deal with the dishes I really want you to think about how you feel when this person is not in your space or is not in your house if you feel better as a person more relaxed more authentic more you pay attention to that many people fall into the justification that oh Everyone likes a break from their partner from time to time yeah sure but this is more than that if you feel like you are a better you when they are away that's an important piece of information if you feel like it's easier for you to get to the world when they're not there that's an important piece of information and as a part of this thought experiment I want you to close your eyes and imagine what life would be like if this you felt like this every day how would that feel how would your life be different how would you live differently I would love to hear you from you and if you could drop your answers in the comments below if you feel comfortable I have worked over the years with many many people who had narcissistic parents while they were growing up and without exception they would share about how they felt on those wonderful and miraculous days and weeks if they were lucky months when the narcissistic parent was away they would often see their other parent relax a bit more the eggshells got swept away for a few days the entire household would be less tense it would feel like a holiday just because that parent was on a business trip or whatever the household just felt less intense everyone was happier the parent would come home and the tension and the Dark Cloud were back the child may not have known what narcissism was but they started getting a fuller picture of what the presence of that parent meant and how good it felt when they weren't around now thinking about when the narcissistic person in your life as an adult is a way for this small group of you who said no no no no when the narcissistic person in my life is a way I feel so much worse I know that it is awful and abusive when they are around but I have a lot of trouble being alone and being around a rager is still better than being alone that I gotta tell you then the issues around trauma bonds and relational Dynamics is deeper than what I am talking about here and in such a case therapy would be absolutely essential to explore that because those are going to be deeper things to disentangle for many people who are a narcissistic relationships the confusion the cognitive dissonance the trauma bondedness The Fear The Hope can pull a person away from really paying attention to how they feel when the narcissistic person is not around people are so accustomed to fighting in and fighting for these relationships that they forget how good it feels when they are alone and they can finally exhale vulnerability to hoovering is highest in the weeks and months after a relationship obviously ends which is why at that time all of the time needs to go into those lists I always want people to make all of the bad things that happen in the relationship for example so you can be reminded of how bad it really was and then pay attention to how good it really is that you aren't on edge and can finally sweep the Damned eggshells out of your house I remember once a long time ago talking to a woman who had been married for a really really long time to a very narcissistic man in a very traditional marriage she liked the idea of being married she liked being a mother she liked keeping a sort of a gracious home she acknowledged that there was something about the traditional role that really worked for her and it was really an offset to some of the sort of the chaos of her own childhood her husband however was a major malcontent and abusive raging cheap awful person nothing was joyful or fun with him after their children were grown and out of the house she caught him in about the seventh extramarital affair he had had and finally she felt it was just too humiliating to stay in it kids were out of the house the divorce was incredibly messy incredibly expensive and he pulled every narcissistic trick in the book after about a year she decided to take her first solo trip solo vacation she had not traveled alone for a very very long time as she made her way through the airport alone she talked about how sad and how lonely she felt especially seeing other people traveling in groups when we talked about her focusing instead on what it would feel like if the nasty irritable monstrous narcissistic husband had been there with her she smiled and she said you know if I had thought about it that way in the airport it wouldn't have felt so lonely in fact it would have felt really good to move to the airport at my pace and browse in the windows and get the snack I wanted so after a trauma-bonded relationship it is easy to get caught in the idea of romanticizing the idea of togetherness or the relationship but if you really close your eyes and think about how really Pleasant it is when they are not around it can go a long way to cutting away at those trauma bonds the problem is people focus so much on their loneliness they don't stop to think about how good it feels when the narcissists aren't around as always thanks again for tuning in please give the video a thumbs up if you found it useful the feedback definitely helps me know what people want to hear about or don't and also the comments help people learn even more and helps us spread the word on narcissism so more and more people can learn to grow resistant to it and hopefully we can tune down the number of enablers thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 292,487

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Id: vIFJHH8V8go

Length: 56min 41sec (3401 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 29 2023