Dealing with feelings of confusion after a narcissistic relationship

hi everyone it's dr romney welcome back to this series of narcissistic abuse where what i'm trying to do here is help you understand the landscape of narcissistic abuse many of you experience a lot of different patterns these might vary depending on the nature of your narcissistic relationship how long it's lasted and even aspects about yourself but the fact is there are a lot of these patterns that cut across most people who have experienced or are experiencing narcissistic abuse it's my hope that by hearing this you'll not only understand these patterns but also have some strategies and tools for how to cope better today i'm going to take on probably what is one of the if not one of if not the most classical pattern observed in people who are experiencing narcissistic abuse and that's confusion as always the comments are as valuable as the actual video and if any of you want to share your experience of confusion please drop it in the comment section because i think if all of us see how confused everyone is this really is an eye-opener so let's take on confusion and before i do that as always please hit that subscribe button if you want to join this channel it's a great community the comment section alone like i said is a treasure trove of info so let's talk about confusion i don't understand this i do not understand what's happening to me says everyone in a narcissistic relationship that idea of simply not understanding what's happening to you the most classical quote of a narcissistic relationship is universal confusion tops the list of what happens to anybody who's in a narcissistic relationship the toxic stew of gaslighting mixed up with idealization devaluing discarding invalidation dismissiveness their ability to put on a great show in public but then treat you terribly in private their ability to be really successful on paper in school in business but to then lie cheat and trick people everyone thinks you're so lucky you met someone so great and you are so flooded with shame and confusion for what a mess this relationship is that you don't know what's right anymore they're nice on one day they're mean on another it doesn't make sense confusion is one of the leading kinds of states we observe in children who grow up in narcissistic families and even when they are adults and still dealing with a narcissistic parent confusion is one of the leading emotions though people from these families will say well my parents fed me and then they insult me sometimes they are proud of me then they're angry at me i told them that i told them that i'm sad they told me i shouldn't be sad it's confusing confusing is an awful state to live in because it starts to bleed into other areas of your life it's a precursor in many ways to something else that we have discussed elsewhere in this series on narcissistic abuse namely second guessing and self-doubt when you are confused you no longer trust your judgment and so obviously making decisions becomes really difficult and you start to no longer trust yourself or even your own feelings confusion is also something that precedes what i term self-gaslighting when you say things to yourself like well maybe i have no right to feel that way or i think i might be making too big a deal out of this or ah it's not that really this relationship isn't really that bad i should stop asking for so much once a person gets to the self-gaslighting stage narcissistic abuse is pretty severe at that point and it takes a fair amount of work to get a person out of that loop of thinking in that self-gaslighting way and to teach them to trust themselves again especially if it's going on all their lives narcissists love confusion in fact when they finally in fact when they finally get you to a state of confusion in their minds they've won narcissists sow seeds of confusion through multiple pathways some i've already mentioned such as gaslighting and invalidation but they also foster confusion through future faking he said he would change she said we would move when she was done with school my mother promised that she would help with my with some of these these these financial issues after i helped her you find yourself pouring over old text messages and old emails making sure you heard them right and then you get confused well maybe i didn't maybe i didn't read that right their lying is also a contributor to the confusion when someone is deliberately withholding the truth you will be confused they're sort of jekyll-hyde two-faced double life approach one face for public one face for you some days that are good some days that are awful many people say i could stay in this relationship forever i'd want to spend time with my parents forever if it was just the good or even the above average days it's not you gotta adjust to the bad days those are the ones sadly that matter narcissists also use triangulation to create confusion pitting people against each other spreading gossip and secrets and smear campaigns you will become confused because you believed you had a support network and friends who now seem to be looking at you differently or there is a tremendous sense of mistrust which pervades your family or your place of employment the the the challenge with confusion as and again classical part of narcissistic abuse the classic with the challenge with confusion is that it pulls you off of your a-game a confused person is an inefficient person as a result you are always trying to figure out where you are who you are the best analogy i can give is if you have gone on a trip and wake up someplace new like a hotel room or a guest room and you're tired from traveling you wake up in the middle of the night or you know in the morning and you just aren't sure where you are have you ever had that happen you're like wait a minute where am i where am i your heart races a little you're a little bit disoriented you almost need to talk out loud to yourself interestingly this literally happened to me last night so it's very fresh for me and i literally had to say like it's okay you're in your bed you're in your house you just got here it's very early in the morning see the sun's coming i was literally saying this out loud you may even pick up your phone or look out a window to orient yourself that's how confusing that can be now that feeling of confusion waking up confused that's every day for a person who's experiencing narcissistic abuse because narcissists thrive when you are confused they want to keep you confused and don't confront them on it because they will deny it and call you crazy for believing they want you confused you know the whole drill by now just please trust me when i tell you that you being confused is actually an easier place for them because it does allow for maintaining that more dominant position so what do you do first take a page out of that analogy i just gave you the i just woke up confused playbook and sometimes talk out loud to yourself even take a minute and touch your face touch your arms just to orient yourself i'm romney i'm here it's thursday simple as that sounds you just need to pop out of the confusion and sometimes just touching speaking out loud can do that secondly and and this next point is this is guidance i have given at other times for other elements of narcissistic abuse and it matters here a lot you should be keeping a running record hard as it may be of the problematic things that happen in your narcissistic relationship the gaslighting the lies the two-facedness the future faking whatever it is and then when you are feeling confused look at this look at it there's nothing confusing at all if the record is showing that this person actually treats you really badly you have it right there and so the good days don't erase the slate consistency is important while none of us are perfect in our relationship if someone is consistently gaslighting you that's never acceptable let them shove their good days their good days become a weapon remember that don't over generalize from the good days you also have to remember the bad ones i know that is such negativistic guidance but sometimes it can help you with the confusion where you might see things as all black and all white it's gray but it's gray that's very uncomfortable number three is you need to find a private place a very trusted friend or therapy and say it out loud just say it out loud my father is a liar my husband is a cheater and a gaslighter my friend is a she's a not a kind person my boss is a manipulative triangulator who would throw any of us under the bus say it out loud somehow when we say something out loud to a witness it can jar us out of our rationalizations and justifications and our confusion it's like a reboot seeing something in harsh light and giving name to it if you can't find a trusted person do it into the mirror and say it out loud fourth don't call the narcissist out i know i've said this on other videos but just don't do it it simply leaves you feeling more confused when you spend time showing them texts and printing out emails and showing them their social media posts and playing them videos catching them in their lies and gaslighting they just double down and confuse you more you have the evidence don't let the narcissist be the judge and jury on themselves unconfuse yourself by drinking in the reality of the text or the email or the recording stop using them as the reality check i know you want to show them but they remain invested in you being confused so don't waste that time fifth please find your people people who you trust and people who trust you people who will not confuse you people who will never gaslight your reality these need to be your people and be that person for someone else when you love someone believe them the first time bear witness to their pain and in an ideal relationship whether it's a friendship or a family relationship anyone they can bear witness to yours these kinds of healing relationships can also ease you out of the confusion of narcissistic abuse the confusion element of narcissistic abuse is why the overall syndrome of narcissistic abuse has been in the shadows for so long because we have become such a world of enablers for the narcissists even a lot of mental health professionals don't call it out again leaving you even more confused in some ways we are becoming a nation and a world of very confused people because we are becoming a world of narcissists and their enablers please hold on to your reality you know what's right for you you know what's wrong for you you know what's most importantly you know what's safe for you own that please and please learn to break through this confusion thank you as always for tuning in and if you want to join this channel please hit that subscribe button hit that bell for notifications and if you like this video go ahead give us that thumbs up thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 426,188

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: 3-2iwlxstCg

Length: 14min 16sec (856 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 16 2020