(police sirens blare) (bar music) Announcer: ...Bowser coming up from the back, right on Peach. So close he could almost snatch her away, and then- (chain comp barking) Oh, there's Mario with a chain chomp! Blasting between the two on his- Blue Shy Guy: Red Shy Guy: What did I tell ya? Green Shy Guy: Always gets the chomp. Red Shy Guy: What did I tell ya!? Blue Shy Guy: Red Shy Guy: He knows the game. Spends the whole time sittin' in 8th place 'cause he knows he's gonna bust the right box and grab the chomp! Blue Shy Guy: Yeah, yeah... Green Shy Guy: Just take the money and shut up! Red Shy Guy: (sigh) Thinkin' about the killin' I whould've made a few years ago on the 150 CC had that guy not screwed it all up for me. Blue Shy Guy: That Rainbow Road fiasco? What, with money riding on Mario in '97? Red Shy Guy: Eh. I knew a guy who knew things. ???: But he didn't tell you everything. Blue Shy Guy: Who are you? (inhale & exhale) Toad: Doesn't matter. Just hearin' you talk about how Mario knows his shit, heh. Takes me back. Green Shy Guy: What, you know something we don't? (inhale & exhale) Toad: Y'know, before each race, Mario would sneak a Birdo into his car, and while he was idling in 8th place, he'd have that Birdo give him a road blow. Blue Shy Guy: (chuckling) A road blow? At those speeds? Toad: Couldn't resist the high of it. You ever gotten a blow from a Birdo? Feels like you impregnating a black hole. Like you're just- humping little babies out, all over a galaxy you'll never visit. Red Shy Guy: That was... descriptive. Toad: But you wanna know the real truth of Rainbow Road on February 10th, 1997? Red Shy Guy: Yeah! Let's see what you got! Toad: Just between you and me... The bastard got glitched. Blue Shy Guy: Woah. Red Shy Guy: That's a bold accusation. Green Shy Guy: How do you know for sure? Toad: Because... (cars screeching) I was there. (cars continue screeching) I was in the shit. (more screeching, Toad growling) I was the shit. Sometimes I'm able to convince myself those were the best years of my life. Other times... I just wish I could flush them down the pipe, like a crushed Piranha Plant. Can't say I had a friend among the bunch. Can't say anything at all. Except tell the story how it really was. It was lap two. I was sitting pretty in 7th place. Coming up on Wario. Couldn't tell you exactly how Wario got into this party. But there were rumors he'd done something horrible to the previous winner of the preliminary rounds. A koopa troopa named Sparky. He threw the shell, I dodge and drift behind him. I've gotta play it safe. I don't know if he's got a three-pack or not. All I know is that his aim is shit. And he's riding my bumper. I can see Mario way in the back, biding his time. "That bastard is plotting," I thought to myself. Then I see it. Shit. But he doesn't throw them, he plays it smart. He shell shields himself. But I gotta play it smart, too, or I'm as fucked as Sheik in a North Carolina bathroom. Barriers drop away. Now it's all about precision and speed. And getting the fatass behind me to waste his shells on two relics of the prehistoric era. I've got bananas. Shit. Let's make this shit count. And now Wario follows. Wario: You stupid Toad! Toad: Suck my peel, motherfuckers. Wario: Bowser: I stopped being impressive a long time ago. Yoshi: We still gotta talk about the shit you put me through on Yoshi's Island. Seriously! Don't think that we're cool! Toad: "Can't concern myself with why Mario wants to stay in last place," I think. Then a blue shell whips by. I check my map and see Luigi's in first place. I take a moment to imagine what the smell will be like when Luigi shits himself when the bluey takes over. The moment passes. It smelled like shit. Because I have the strongest imagination of anyone I've ever met. Probably. (explosion) I'd say "poor bastard," but Luigi knew what he was getting into when he started fucking Peach while Mario was at the Olympics. They boned until they burned the house down. Literally. No one's sure if Mario knew, But it was the talk of the kingdom for everyone else. The Olympics were kind to the guy, even if some of his new endorsements were- questionable, but I couldn't keep thinking about that. Like the rest of the kingdom, I was coming up on Princess Peach. You look worried. Sucks watching your boyfriend get ass-blasted by a bluey, huh? Peach: (laughs) I don't know what you mean, sweetheart. Toad: But I guess I'm not being totally honest here, because before she was poltergeisting Luigi and downing Mario's piranha plant, she was my girl. No, we never got farther than her saying "I only like you as a friend" and "You're like a brother to me" and "Do you think Donkey Kong has a big dick?" but to me, it was love. And now, here we are. Side-by-side on a road above an endless abyss. Funny how things turn out, huh? Lakitu: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Toad: And then there's this kid. Gotta be honest, I always liked the guy. Except for all the times I heard his name, and also saw him in person, and every single time he crossed my mind, but yeah, good guy. Luigi: (scream) Oh my God, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Toad: Mario? Luigi: He's had it out for me this whole prix! Toad: Is it safe to say he knows? Luigi: He knows what? Toad: About you and Peach. Luigi: There is no evidence that Peach and I ever did anything. We made sure it all burned up in the fire. (gun cocks) Don't make me regret having told you. Toad: That's backwards. Luigi: Oh? D-Don't make regret having to- Toad: Turning it sideways doesn't mean it still isn't backwards. Luigi: Toad: You know what isn't hard? Luigi: What!? Toad: Keeping your eyes on the road. Luigi: Oh? (scream) Lakitu: You gotta be fucking kidding me- give me a break, people! Toad: Not sure which sick fuck thought it was clever to use my head for a speed boost, but I'll take what I can get. Now I've got one guy left, and he'll be the toughest son of a bitch that- Donkey Kong: Oh, hello! Toad: Uh, hey. Donkey Kong: How are you? Toad: Uh, I'm fine, I'm good, uhh- Donkey Kong: Excellent. Wonderful. Though I feel as though I must pose a question. Toad: Uh, go ahead. Donkey Kong: Do you happen to know why we're in space? Toad: Uh, no, can't say I do. Donkey Kong: I'm personally quite impressed with the track. What do you think? Toad: It is what it is, I guess. Shit, the guy's an idiot. Now I feel like a dick. So, how are things with you? Donkey Kong: Oh, pretty good. The lease on my apartment is ending pretty soon, which is really going to free me up with month-to-month payments for a while, and ultimately- Toad: Okay, the guy's boring. I don't feel like such a dick anymore. Donkey Kong: which is increasingly h- Toad: Hey, did you know there's a shortcut to the finish line if you take a sharp right? Donkey Kong: Oh, really? Toad: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Donkey Kong: A bit bizarre. It looks like just fall of the edge. Toad: Yeah, they make it look like that so not everyone will take the shortcut. Donkey Kong: Oh, that makes sense! Though I suppose I do need to weigh the pros and cons of taking such an easy route to victory- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God- Lakitu: I HATE MY LIFE! Toad: So now I've just gotta keep a nice lead, with just one lap to go, and I hear it. (chain chomp barks) He pulled out the chomp. Right now I've got one advantage. The chomp almost never makes it to first place. And maybe I can get another advantage if- A lightning bolt in first place? That never happens. But I'm not going to over-analyze it. There is a time and place. I've got to maintain first place or a close second before I can use this bad boy. But there's no telling what he got. Shit. He's gonna 'nanner me. Just my luck. Gotta time this right. Oh no. Gotta get this before Lakitu makes it to me! Come on... Come on! NOW! Mario: This isn't over, you ________ bitch! Toad: I know. Sometimes I just make myself horny.
