If I Were You | Andy Stanley

I don't think sex is a great idea before marriage however I believe it's something that needs to be explored for you and the rest of your lives with somebody this idea of waiting so marriage and not having sex is only bad for society if I changed one thing it would have been to wait before marriage to have sex I feel like that would have made my wife Sandoz relationships a whole lot more secure me and my boyfriend have been living together for three years now and we're pretty much a married couple that's what we consider ourselves I think the reason why people have this doubts on announce because they always have that question in their head is there's something else out there that's better [Music] while we're wrapping up this series part 4 of the new rules for love sex and dating thanks for those of you who are married for being patient while we talk with single people for a few weeks however as I said a couple weeks ago most of the emails I get have been from married people and most of you have said gee I wish I had heard this when I was younger and I think to myself that's exactly why we're doing this now so thank you for creating the church an environment where we can just pause and talk about some of this stuff now if you've been here all along you know this whole series it's basically hung on one simple question and the question is this are you who are are you yes there you are are you who the person you are looking for is looking for instead of looking for someone in thinking if I can find the right person the right things will happen we talked about that the first week that's called the right person myth we've decided you know what instead of looking for the right person why not spend these years of our lives as single people becoming the right person and if you become the right person chances are you have a better odds or a better chance of meeting the right person but this is a process so the question for you and the question I want to leave you with and the hope the big takeaway from the whole series is are you in the process of becoming the person that the person you're looking for is looking for now from the very outset I've said that part of the reason I wanted to do this series was to say some things that I thought everybody knew sometimes common sense isn't so common and when we're in love we we lose our minds and that's part of being in love is losing your minds and so we wanted to pause in this series and just sort of state the obvious because sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious and so as we wrap up this series what I want to do is I want to take you to one central idea and then at the end of the message I'm gonna give you a whole bunch of applications I mean like a lot like we're dumped in the kitchen sink in to this final message as we'd have this one more opportunity to say the single people you can do it you can do it you can do it marriage is awesome marriage can be incredible you never hear about the great marriages because they're boring and when you're on the outside looking in but when you're on the inside it's awesome we want you to have an awesome boring marriage drama-free full of love and secrets than things you don't tell people about because it's so awesome okay and the great news is this if you're single and you've never been married you get to get this right the first time so today I'm going to give you all the rest of the secrets we've been sort of you know given a few secrets at a time to we're dumping all the secrets on you now single people here's something you don't know every single Saturday in this city and every single Saturday in every city in this country and every single Saturday in countries all over the world single people get all dressed up and the bride puts on a white dress or an almost white dress and she looks as beautiful as she's ever looked and the man looks way more handsome than he actually is and he puts on a tux and they they have spent thousands of dollars and weeks and weeks and weeks and months and months and months preparing for this day and they come together and they stand in an altar in this thing we call a wedding and they hold hands the exchange rings and then somebody like me or a pastor says repeat after me and they take vows and every single Saturday in this city and in cities all over the country single people make promises that they can't keep now they mean to they mean well they're not lying most of the time they're not like overtly lying it's just that they make promises they are not prepared to keep and they mean well and then after they're married a week or two weeks or three weeks or three or four months or six months they realize you know what I know this is what I said but this is hard and all of us and they begin to realize this you know I really didn't mean it I'm in it when I said it then they start holding each other accountable like but you said and you promised and the next thing you know it's commitment wars but you committed and the reason is and single people I'm telling you the married people around you they didn't discover this till after they were married so I'm giving you a big heads up people get married and make promises they can't keep and make vows they can't fulfill and they want to and they try but they just aren't prepared to do it and the reason they're not prepared is that they overlooked a principle that all of us understand and every other realm of life but when it comes to relationships we don't think this is true and here's the principle promises are no substitute for preparation promises are no substitute for preparation if you've ever entered a long-distance race or you're a long-distance runner you know all about this it's one thing to sign up for the race it's another thing to prepare for it and if you're not prepared it's a waste of time to promise that you'll finish because what determines they're not you finish a long-distance race is not the promise it's not even your signature it's whether or not you've prepared this is true in every realm of life you know a kid can promise the parent what they're gonna make on the SAT but what you make on the SAT has very little to do with what you promise it has everything to do with how much you've prepared we can go on and on and on I can tell you that next week I'm going to preach in French and I could promise you and commit to you and sign a piece of paper next week I'm preaching in French and you we could have witnesses and a notary public and the whole deal and you can show up next week and I'm not going to be able to preach in French no matter how much I commit to you because I haven't prepared I don't speak French now if you gave me a long time maybe but I can't do it next week we'll see you're like well duh everybody understands that but I'm telling you when it comes to relationships people think I can promise my way past my lack of preparation put it this way just because you say I do doesn't make you able just because you say I do doesn't make you capable it only makes you accountable and when you are accountable for something you're not capable of doing you become miserable okay and there are a lot of people who are locked in marriages where they're miserable because they know what they're accountable for and they just aren't able to pull it off it's kind of like Ron white I don't know if you heard Ron white tell the story about what he was arrested for being in public drunkenness have you heard this story and he's and when he tells the story he says I had the right to remain silent I did not have the ability to do so okay and I'm telling you this is what happens every single Saturday little catch on later every single Saturday people look at each other and they they they make a promise and they really mean it they just don't have the ability to pull it off in fact I would go so far to say this then when it comes to marriage commitment commitment is really overrated I'm serious and here's why I say that I've sat with couples who sent you they look at each other across the table but when we got married you promised when we got married you took a vow when we got married in there like commitment wars but you promised and I'm going this is this is irrelevant The Commitments way way way over rated when it comes to marriage because if you commit to something you can't do the commitments worthless and if you promise something you can't fulfill because you're unable you're unprepared the promise is worthless but I'm telling you single people let me tell you it's gonna happen to you if you don't listen if you're not careful you're gonna fall in love and you're gonna think that your ability to commit will override your lack of preparation worse than that you're gonna allow some person that you've fallen in love with to convince you that their track record is irrelevant that the patterns of their life are irrelevant that the pathways they've chosen are irrelevant that basically when they marry you they're gonna make a commitment and they're gonna automatically change and you need to understand you need to understand a lack of preparation cannot be trumped by a promise promises don't matter a bit if a person hasn't prepared and here's the great news for you between now and the time you get married you get to prepare you've got time now the problem is and this is the part I don't know how to communicate very well you will never be less motivated than now to deal with this people don't get motivated to deal with these things until they're in a bad marriage and they're really motivated they spend a lot of money and a lot of time and in some way in some cases it's just too late so you're not going to be that motivated but now's the time because now you have the time to prepare and so if you know if you just get one thing out of this message here's what I want you to hear me say I want you to prepare to commit I want you to prepare to commit I want you to prepare to commit so that when you make a commitment when you make a promise when you take a vow you will be in a position to where you will be able to fulfill your promise and here's what will happen if you make a decision to prepare to commit and you devote yourself to that you will be highly unlikely to marry somebody who has not prepared to commit themselves because your life will be moving in such a specific direction anyone whose life is not moving in that same direction will be in such conflict with your values and conflict with your way of life that you won't be interested and perhaps they won't be interested and you either now the interesting thing is you probably couldn't argue with that I mean you know when you think running when you think about work who do you think about the SAT when you think about swimming when you know there's so many arenas where you realize yeah a promise is worthless it's preparation that makes the difference and you probably wouldn't argue with me that this is probably true relationally but the interesting thing is this in the Old Testament the wisest man who ever lived Solomon speaks directly into this this dynamic and I want to look at two verses or just look at two verses I want to sort of tease these things out a little bit so maybe you could go back memorize one of these verses or both of these and let these sort of be a pillar that kind of holds this whole thing together for you as you think about the importance of committing not to a person but committing to the process of being in a position to be able to keep your commitments the thing that you have time to do the thing that you should be doing now is you prepare to become the person that the person you're looking for is looking for so I'm gonna read these two verses for you explain them to you a little bit then I'm gonna give you some very very painfully specific applications okay here's the first verse here's what he says he uses this word prudent let me define this for you before I read the verse we don't use this terminology very much a prudent person in the Old Testament the Hebrew word that's translated prudent a prudent person is a person that understands that all of life is connected a prudent person understands that what happened yesterday impacts tomorrow a prudent person is a person that understands that what I'm doing today as we talked about in the first week will eventually become my past and it will show up in my future the prudent person understands that if you're going in this direction it's pretty it's a pretty good idea of where you're gonna end up so the prudent person understands that all of life is connected so here's what Solomon says the wisdom of the prudent the future oriented person is to give thought to their say this word with me waves let me tell you what ways are ways are behaviors ways our patterns ways our habits ways are trends ways are what makes us predictable ways or why your parents know what you're gonna do before you do it they know what you're gonna say before you say it ways or why you can predict your parents response to a question even before you ask it everybody has way habits patterns paths here's what he say this is staggering the wise person the person that's prudent they give thought to their ways in other words they pay attention to how they do things how they manage things because the prudent person knows the best indicator of my future behavior is my what my past behavior that's right if I want to know where I'm actually going to be all I have to do is look back to see where I've been and what direction I'm headed in so the prudent person pays attention not to commitments and promises because those don't indicate anything they pay attention to their paths but the folly or the stupidity the folly of fools is deception now that Internet of itself doesn't make a lot of sense but when you contrast this in this little proverb but that's what proverbs are there's generally two statements that contrast and to make one simple point here's his point that whereas the prudent person is constantly examining and evaluating their ways their patterns their habits their behaviors their trends though their flow of their life the fool on the other hand doesn't pay attention to those things the fool on the other hand thinks you know what regardless of how my life has usually gone regardless of how I've usually respond and regardless of my current habits somehow I think I'm gonna end up in a place that nothing I'm currently doing points me in that direction that somehow I'm magically good things are gonna magically happen I don't know how I don't know why but there's no point in trying to evaluate where I'm going to be based on what I'm currently doing the prudent person says now it's all about your ways your habits your behaviors your trends here's here's the second way he says that this is even more to the point the simple believe anything now single people I just gotta warn you when you fall in love you'll believe anything because you because you and your boyfriend girlfriend or fiance you have a song we have a song and your parents are going yeah but does he have a job and you know he'd a needed job we have a song and the other day I went to the mall and I parked right beside him there was an empty parking spot right beside him really and then he bought me this little puppy this little dog and you know it on the way home we passed his house and they had the same dog it's like oh my gosh we're getting married now I mean see what happens who we get when we get engaged we fall in love part of it is we lose our mind and when you lose your mind and love you know what you will believe anything so the guy comes to her and says well you know I know this is wrong with me and this is wrong with me and this is wrong with me I don't have this and I haven't done this and I have it pay attention but but if you'll marry me I'll change and see that the prudent person is going let's talk about your paths the in love person says I'm gonna focus on your promise and Solomon says okay I'm all for love but that's that's just stupid that's just stupid okay and simple people and sometimes when you fall in love you get kind of simple you get kind of stupid you get kind of guy and that's okay when you're in love that's why I want you to work on this before you fall in love because the simple person will believe anything I'm telling you Sandra and I have sat with couples who were wanting to get married they're engaged couples and and we sit with them and they want to meet with us you know and and oh and we used to do this a lot we don't do this very much anymore and I we would sit and listen to her it was usually the girl explained away her fiance's bad behavior well he had this problem and he had this problem he had this problem and this happened this happened this happened this happened this happened but but now but now you know he promises and he's gonna change and he's gonna change and he's gonna change you we're like we're not buying it because promises mean nothing it's the pathways and here you are in love and you're you're believing this guy kids kids this is why your parents freaked out over your friends and the guys and the girls that you bring home because again you guys have a song and they're looking at paths and trends and behaviors and previous relationships and how much debt did you say you had and how long has he been divorced really and there and they're like oh my gosh run you're like yeah but yeah but our initials are the same it's like oh well then let's just have a ceremony now you know and I'm kind of making fine but I'm telling you when you fall in love you just did you'll believe anything and listen to what Solomon contrast that with the simple believe anything but the prudent give thought to their step say this word of me do you know why that's an important word because steps when you look at a person steps you can tell where they're going see words are meaningless promises are meaningless commitments are almost meaningless it's the past that's the best indicator of where a person is headed and where they will probably end up that's true of who you date and that's true of who you are to summarize it this way with this statement that past people choose Trump the commitments they make the paths people choose Trump the commitments they make when you look at your life when you examine the life of the people you're dating the question is not where are they and not what they have they promised the question is where have they been and where are they headed last little pithy statement then we're gonna move on is the same idea the past is a better indicator than a promise the past is a better indicator than a promise so here's all I'm saying if you're committed to becoming the person the person you're looking for is looking for if you're committed to becoming the kind of person that would attract the person you hope to attract if you're committed to this process then here's what I want you to commit to I want you to commit now next slide I want you to commit now to becoming someone who can keep their commitments later I want you to commit now not to a person not to a relationship not to a marriage I want you to commit now to becoming someone who can keep their commitments later this is the goal this is what you should be working on so that when you say I do you really can do you know when you say I will but you'll have the ability to actually follow through you won't be one of those people that means well and it's not capable it becomes accountable and then it's miserable you don't have to do that but what determines whether or not you're gonna be ready to actually fulfill what you promissed is what you do between now and then and if you will core commit now to becoming the kind of person commit and keep their promises and their vows later then you you'll be good to go so here's what I want to do in our remaining few minutes I want to go through a list I'm gonna go through these pretty quick the first one will take a little longer than the rest but I'm gonna hit these quick I want to give you some very very very specific single people assignments as you think about what you need to be in the process of doing now committing to now so that when you make a commitment later you'll actually be able to keep your promise and let me say in general the things that we talked about at this church week after week after week online or live the things that we talked about week after week are some of those things a few weeks ago Jeff Henderson did an incredible message on forgiveness as a single person you need to develop the habit of forgiving a few weeks ago we talked about confession and learning to confess to other people and having accountability you need to do that as a single person that generally everything we talk about at this church week to week and all of our environments are things that if you'll embrace these habits if these will become your ways your patterns your behaviors your habits then you are equipping yourself to be in a position to say yes I do and mean what you say but in addition to those general kind of people you know life skills again I want to give you some very very specific things to do and the first one is the most difficult and here's the first one you need to address your unresolved childhood issues now that's a big category that's a series of messages isn't let me get let me give you a quote from some professionals that kind of drill down on this this is pretty powerful this is what they say if you attempt to build intimacy with a person like get married someday if you attempt to build intimacy with the person before you've done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person every relationship will be an attempt to complete the hole in your heart here's what they're saying if you attempt to move toward intimacy in dating not just physical intimacy but like you're the one for me I'm the one for you I'm giving myself to you passionately fully fearlessly all those things we've talked about if you attempt intimacy without first becoming a whole and healthy person all of your relationships will feel like they have a hole in the the single people I'm telling you you'll never be less motivated you'll never have more time the number one thing you can do to prepare for a play to get to the place where you can say yes and mean it is to become whole and healthy and for most of you that means turning around and facing and addressing issues from your childhood now I'm gonna show you a diagram that I've never shown single people before I've only shown married people and when I've shown married people this diagram I realized when I'm drawing it for him it's mostly too late and I thought to myself why am i showing married people this it's too late I should show single people this so this was worth the price of admission right here here's what I draw for married people I draw this I say okay here's you and here's your parent or your parents you know she was a she was ran off or he ran off or you know they weren't around or she wouldn't he wouldn't cover your ballgames or he drank too much or you know whatever whatever and now here you are as a single person and you got all this drama with your parents you were either angry or you don't care and you say no no I don't have any drama I send her a Mother's Day card that's it well that's it we just don't talk okay well see if you don't talk with your living parents hello okay so most single people don't think they have but if you have any of this this is a heads up okay in fact when I show you this next slide it's going to take every ounce of self-control on the behalf of some married people not to do this okay so married people just get ready none of this you just you just look straight ahead make eye contact and smile okay because I'm telling you single people this this is huge here's what happens if you have any drama if you have any leftover angst with mama or daddy when you get married here's what happens your spouse goes right there and they catch it and here's the bad thing they don't know why you're so upset and you don't know why they don't shape up and you cannot win this you cannot win this is dead in the water nobody wins and if you're the spouse you're going all I said was I'd like to be a few minutes early and you know whoa you know all I said well you know all I meant all I said under wife's name why he overreacts why she overreacts and you're over here going I don't understand it either but I'm not gonna tell him then juice is gonna keep shoveling his or shoveling in her direction and I'm telling it when you're this person you can't see this in the mirror when this dynamic happens in a marriage these couples if they're smart they go to counseling and months and months and months and months and months later and thousands of dollars later if they're lucky this person goes oh so I'm still mad at my mama and this person goes yes and they don't say out loud and I've been trying to tell you you can't say that out loud okay the single people I'm telling you I'm telling telling you this is enormous if you come from a home that is that you know you know there was divorce in your home you probably got some of this if Dad was there but wasn't there you got some of this if mom was some kind you know you've got some of this it's just normal it's natural there's nothing wrong with you but you don't want to drag that into your next relationship the smartest thing you can do is deal with it and I'm gonna give you a tool and I've been doing this long enough to know that most of you aren't gonna do what I'm about to ask you to do but one day you'll get married and go oh yeah I should have done that so I'm here here's here's the deal I'm gonna send you to a website okay give you a website on this website we have some two resources now listen I just listened carefully don't laugh okay are you listening if you're only hearing this it's Northpoint org slash Fight Club Northpoint org slash Fight Club on this website there is a link on this website there are four messages for free but on this website there is a link to a message that will cost you a dollar ninety nine cents by louie giglio it'll be the best dollar 99 cents you've ever spent don't listen to my messages first listen to his message first it's part of a series he did called boy meets girl start there if you're and even if you're sitting here going I don't have any drama with my you need to listen to that message it's worth one hundred ninety nine it may save you a thousand ninety nine it may save your first marriage after you listen to that message then back up and listen to the first two messages in The Fight Club series those are for free you owe it to yourself but to allow someone to stir this up in you as a single person to decide do I have some things I need to deal with you will never be less motivated you will never have more time so please please please don't drag unnecessary angst into a future relationship deal with it now okay that's the first one the rest will go a lot quicker ladies here's what you need to do to get ready don't dress like a commodity and don't put up with being treated like one this goes back to the second week don't act like it don't dress like a commodity and don't put up with being treated like one a ladies listen to me if in your dating you get in the habit of being treated like a commodity guess what's gonna happen when you're married your husband's gonna do the same thing if he dated you like a commodity he's gonna treat you like a commodity you should have no tolerance for being treated like a commodity none at all none at all and this may go back to step one that we just went through but you need to deal with this in ladies just a little tip from the world of fishing do you know how a fisherman determines what debate has hooked with what he's fishing for that's pretty deep let me go over that again do you know what a fisherman that's how it is a fisherman determines what debate is hook with it depends on what he's fishing for ladies if you fish with your body you're going to catch body snatchers every single time okay I'm just telling you if you yeah if you troll if you troll with your bodies you're gonna get and this is what you're gonna say you're gonna say all men are alike all men are like and I'm gonna tell you now what I tell young ladies when they tell me that I say no not all men are like all the men you date are alike ooh that's what happens who you know then they get mad at me and then I say this all the men you go out with are alike and all the men that ask you out are alike now let me ask you a question let's take the last ten guys you've dated and let's look at those there was him and you hem and you him and you him and you him and you him and knew him and you what is the common denominator in all those days that would be you so come on come on in ladies let me just I'm not upset with you I just want it listen listen listen God created you you have you are so much more than a body save the body for later I'm telling you save it for later don't troll with your body you you that's a no-win for you troll with your love for God your passion for God your brain your job I mean you have so many other things going for you don't troll around with your body you're gonna end up in the same kind of relationships over them you're gonna get jaded and you're gonna think all men are pigs and they're in most of them are but there are a lot of men who actually aren't and here's the thing and going back to the point of this message I want you to be prepared to keep the promises you make which means you've got to marry somebody who's prepared to keep his promises and if you catch him with your body and the way you dress you're gonna have to keep him with your body and the way you dress and I have some bad news for you as cute as you are now that's all I'm gonna say okay just sayin men here's your memorized part two of this series that's all you got to do okay you just go back to Bart okay next thing I want to tell you to get ready for the behalf lemare is this you need to you need to get out of debt now this this is ginormous this this is huge this is so big now and some of our premarital counseling situations we tell people we're not going to recommend you get married till you get out of debt now here's why you may not believe this just trust me you can get out of debt a lot quicker as a single person than a married person in fact all the married people that believe me just say Amen there you go you can get out of debt a lot quicker as a single person is married person and if you're a single person who has so poorly managed your finances that you have a lot of debt when you get married that's a path that's a behavior that's a trend that's a habit that you're carrying into marriage ladies even if he decides don't worry honey we get married I'm going to pay off all your debts great now you're going to be an irresponsible person that just had all their debts paid off then nothing's changed and finding marriage has enough struggles of its own the last thing you need is an additional unnecessary layer of pressure get yourself out of debt and I'll tell you what a motivate you if you decide you know what I'm in love we can't wait to get married we're not getting married till we both get out of debt do you know how fast you'll get out of debt you won't even believe how how creative you'll get God will honor it somebody's going to come along and help you I mean it's like this super nob promise amazing things will happen but if you carry unnecessary dumb debt you know consumer debt you know credit card debt in America that's just not smart so between now and the time you get married one of the ways that you can commit one of the ways you can prepare to keep your commitment is develop financial habits that is sure you got out of debt and you never get in debt again it's one of the best preparations you can make in ladies for those of you ladies you've got good jobs and you've stayed out of debt and you're dating bozo you know and he just got kind of a job and he's got a lot of debt but you're in love and you got a song in the clouds and I'm telling you just trust me just trust me just trust me tell him you know what you get out of debt then we'll talk about a date you get out of it if you don't had the discipline to get out of debt before I marry you the last thing I want to do is ruin my credit score with your bad debt and you know what ladies if he loves you he'll move in with Mama to get out of debt in order to marry you he oh he should do that if he loves you so bright you know get out of debt along with that okay broad you know broader ideas is break your bad habits now let me tell you I put this one in here single people marriage was not designed to solve any problems that's not what it is it doesn't solve any problems in marriage the great things get better and the bad things get worse generally it doesn't solve any problems so if you have a bad habit now then you're gonna have a bad habit and be married that's all that's gonna happen if you drink too much now you drink too much then you got a dis prescription addiction thing it's just gonna get worse except then somebody's gonna know you got a gambling thing now it's just gonna be worse you got a porn thing now it's just gonna be worse you got a debt thing shopping thing can't stay out of debt thing it's just gonna be worse to prepare to be able to look at somebody and say this I'm gonna honor and cherish you you're gonna be the priority of my life I'm never gonna do anything to hurt you or to harm this relationship then break your bad habits now and you already know what they are now let me flip this around and see if this doesn't make sense don't you hope that the guy you marry someday or the girl you marry someday wouldn't it be great if before they married you they broke all their bad habits do you really well and let me here's what happens you know he comes along and he says yeah well you know I got this thing over here on the side that I struggle with my baby baby sugar baby once once once you marry me you'll be able to help me yet all the married people went oh and ladies you just look at him and say you need your mama and a counselor not me okay so go make an appointment with a counselor and talk to your mama I'm not here to help you with your bad habits I want to be loved and I want to be cherished I don't want to prop you up nice a nd that doesn't sound very loving it's not meant to be loving this is just the reality you need to be a whole person who's looking for a whole person and when you see a person with a hole in them you say hey you're great let's have dinner but you you got you issues to deal with don't complicate once you get married everything gets more complicated everything gets more complicated and I promise you this I was always you know bet my car on this that whatever their issue is whatever their issue is six months into your marriage it will be your fault and you and how in the world could they spend a gambling habit in to be in my fault you just wait it's amazing how creative married people get six months in whatever their issue was before they married you will somehow be your fault you've been warned I don't want you to deal with that okay men here's what you need to do memorize part two of this series okay because ladies they don't listen so I just I thought I just had to say it twice okay all right next one I'm gonna hit these quick hit these quick when you're dating postpone the physical of your dating relationships aalap as long as possible okay am i physical on the hunt about sex I'm just talking about everything else okay just postpone the physical and let me tell you I've been doing this a long time I've never heard anyone say to me you know I think our relationship would have been better and healthier if we'd gotten physical faster never heard that but I can't even begin to tell you how many times people have said you know what we got physical quick I mean first day second day third date I spent the night yeah and next thing because you know this the physical part of a relationship it's a fog it's a mist women you want to know he's coming back you want to know he's coming back and he's over there going I wasn't quite what I thought it would be that wasn't quite what I thought it would be and then you're in trouble so just postpone the physical and ladies to some guy ditches you because three or four dates in he's not gonna let you not gonna let me come in and roll around the Cal you just just say hey you know you need a mom and a counselor okay I'm not I'm not that person it's okay and guys if you just feel like it's just come on come on come on just remember you're not the first guy so come on I'm just saying you're looking for the one not everyone and we're on this series I said this isn't for people who are just players this is for people who see dating is a means to an incredible end just postpone the physical as long as possible put it off so long that they begin to wonder if you're even interested in that part and then when it comes up you go oh yeah oh yeah I'm interested I'm just you know I just any last thing on this this is huge do the research google it for yourself I'm not making this up self control before you're married results in self control after you're married you know why listen to me because self control is a path self control is the behavior self control is a pattern the men and women that are most if I can use the term we don't use much the men and women that are most promiscuous before their marriage arf arf arf are check it out yourself far more likely to have an affair after marriage this the statistics are in I mean the research is in people have tracked this for years and years and years the best thing you can do to invest in your future marriage is to exercise self-control while you date and to date somebody that does the same thing because the past is a better indicator of the future than a promise any day of the week along these same lines and I almost decided not to do this one is good the next one if we could is avoid living together now again don't take my word for it you know chop me up is the religious guy what would you expect the preacher to say look at the research yourself there is no evidence at all and a lot of research has been done on this there is no evidence at all that living together prepares anyone for marriage the opposite is true the opposite is true check it out yourself couples who live together have a far higher chance of divorce cut an individual that has lived with two or three people it is almost a zero possibility for them according to the statistic almost zero chance that your first marriage will now I understand this about statistics they're only important if they support what you're currently doing see they're we're right no one ever makes relationship decisions based on statistics because you think you're gonna be the exception but I just got to tell you because I love you this is not a path to happily ever after in fact women move in with men thinking it's a step toward marriage men move in with women to try it out to see if they think they want to stay it's two very very different perspectives I'm just telling you avoid avoid avoid moving in living together and then I want to say one thing specifically to those of you who are not Christians okay and you're thinking well that's none of your business I'm not even one of you and in fact this whole message Andy is a reason I'm not a Christian I understand that you should be careful before you come one it's pretty accountable but it's awesome you know once you get in but anyway if you're not a Christian I do want to give you one tip about dating okay and here's what it is non-christians don't date a Christian unless you plan to become one let me tell you why you don't know they're doing this to you and they're gonna hate me for telling you this but this whole when a Christian dates a non-christian it is all about bait and switch you need to understand that I can prove it they've got you at church today see they're already working this is a hey you want to go to church you know okay now here here's the deal they are they do not accept you the way you are they want you to become a Christian they want you to become a Christian because their mom is nervous their daddy's nervous they know they shouldn't be dating a non-christian and they they want you to become a Christian in fact they're really hating me right now but you know what I'm not the first person that has said this and there's a non-christian I got to tell you you'd be better off finding an honest pagan okay they will accept you just the way you are Christians will not the and I'm telling you if you marry them if you marry a Christian they are gonna want to set up shop and find a church and then when you have a kid game over they want your kids raised in church it's just gonna happen so if you're not a Christian I would be very very careful about dating if you're not a Christian about dating a Christian because they have an agenda and the last thing is this that they're sleeping with you it's even worse because now you're dating a Christian who's a hypocrite and you don't like hypocrites and you're in love with one so it's a mess I just want to encourage you to just think about that okay okay it's just just saying okay now last thing and I'm gonna get you out of here and you would expect this but this is a big deal to become the person that the person you're looking for is looking for to become a person that can actually say yes and mean it you need to be very very involved in your local church and let me tell you why this is this is so huge okay what I whenever I meet couples I say young couples I say where did you meet how did you meet I ask that question all the time I love it I've heard this so many times you know what happens they come to this church they come to one of our churches or one of our strategic partners all over the country and they start volunteering and they're volunteering with middle schoolers and volunteer with middle schoolers and one afternoon they're in middle school they look over and think on that he doesn't look like a middle schooler and they meet somebody who's flow is in the same direction they meet somebody whose path is in the same direction you need to be involved in a great local church and you need to serve because in serving and it's not because we need people to come volunteer it's because in an environment like this in an environment like the ones we create you are more likely to find the people whose lives whose lifestyles whose flow whose patterns whose behaviors whose ways whose paths are in sync with the ones that you're trying to establish Sandra's mom told her early on when she was in college she said if you go to the right places chances are you'll meet the right people and it's true Sandra I met in a Bible study I know that's kind of geeky for the preacher what would you expect a preacher to meet the preacher's wife in a Bible study but you know what neither one of us we're looking we were just we were just kind of doing the things that supported the decisions that we had made is individuals because at the end of the day here's the singles listen and then I'm done you get to get this do this right no matter what you've done wrong and no matter what is in your past and no matter how you may have messed up in the past going forward you get to get it right you get to make decisions now that will enable you to stand at an altar and say I do and be able to I do to say I will and to be able to actually I will and you'll be looking at somebody who has done the difficult work of becoming a whole person and they will be give be able to give a whole person to you and you'll be able to give a whole person to them not because you made a promise not because you made a commitment but because you made a commitment to the process of becoming someone worth pursuing worth winning and worth loving and it's my heart's desire that you'll do whatever you have to do between now and then to become the person that the person you're looking for is looking for and if you do that that's a win for you that's a win for your family that's win for this generation it's a win for the kingdom of God so I don't know where this lands with you I don't know what feels like the next step is for you but I hope you'll take it I hope you'll go to that website listen to those messages I hope that God will stir stuff up in you and you'll deal with it you'll change your habits you'll change your patterns and that you'll fall in love someday not with just the right person but the right person who became the right person because of the decisions they made in preparation for spending the rest of their life with you let's pray together Heavenly Father thank you so much for just the opportunity to be able to talk about these things in Lord I know this lands it does it lands in a thousand different places because we're all so different we're at different stages we're different ages some of us are single again some of us on the edge of getting married some of us are in relationships we really shouldn't be in and we are so torn up on the inside and we don't know if it's guilt or joy or hope or we don't even know what our own emotions are but would you please please please even in this moment give us the wisdom to know what to do with what we just heard and then the courage to go out and do it regardless of how painful it is regardless of how complicated it is regardless of how expensive it is and that we would be in a place where we can honor you with our bodies honor you with our lives honor you with our singleness honor you with our service and that as we do that that you would guide us when the time is right to that man or that woman that you have for us if that's what you have for us it's a father again guide us direct us and raise up a generation of single people who get the who are willing to throw off the cultural norms and say yes to you in every area of their lives and we pray all of that in Jesus amazing name Amen hey thanks so much for being here thanks for being a part of this series we'll see ya next week

Channel: North Point Care

Views: 12,370

Rating: 4.9014778 out of 5

Keywords: care network, north point community church, woodstock church, buckhead church, Gwinnett church, decatur city church, brownsbridge church, help, struggling, challenges, pain, relationships, transition, change, ministry resources, resources, training, counseling, love, sex, dating

Id: qLbUANm51Qw

Length: 43min 26sec (2606 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 20 2017