The Right Person Myth | Andy Stanley

I don't think sex is a great idea before marriage however I believe it's something that needs to be explored for you and the rest of your lives with somebody this idea of waiting so marriage and not having sex is only bad for society if I changed one thing it would have been to wait before marriage to have sex I feel like that would have made my wife Sandoz relationships a whole lot more secure me and my boyfriend have been living together for three years now and we're pretty much a married couple that's what we consider ourselves I think the reason why people have this doubts on announce because they always have that question in their head is there's something else out there that's better [Music] what we do is we take a topic can we talk about it for three or four or five weeks and so on this is the beginning of the discussion on the new rules of love sex and dating and I say that because this is an introduction so if at the end of tonight you go yeah but what about what about what about just remember this is the introduction in fact it reminds me of my my talk with my boys I have three kids my two oldest four voice 18 and 17 right now and so I remember when we were kind of gearing up for the talk you know like remember when your dad had like the talk or maybe if you are dad you had the talk and so I might might my dad's awesome but the talk was kind of lame but that's okay because it's always lame okay and so I thought I'm not gonna be that dad you know the nervous so I need to tell you about and these looked at me like I already know cuz we already knew but the time cuz dad's put it off for so long you know son the sense I'm gonna go get your driver's license there's something we need to talk about you know kind of thing so so I sat with each of my boys literally I set them down and the time came and I went I went too early I'll just tell you up front okay we started too early I said look today you know usually dads have like a talk we're not gonna have a talk today we begin a discussion and we're gonna talk about it for years we're just gonna talk and talk and talk and talk about this subject because every two or three years this changes with you as you as you get older so anyway tonight's the beginning not of a sermon tonight is the beginning of a discussion and I want to tell you why I chose to do this year because somebody said you know Andy maybe not at Buckhead but all of our other churches you know you know 60% of the people are married why are you gonna spend four weeks talking just to single people and I and so here's the reason why the reason is this because I want you to have great relationships those of you who are single and you get to get it right the first time and that's a really big deal to me III and for some of you you've decided marriage is never because you've never seen a good one and I'm hoping in the next few weeks to make you want to get married okay and for now and for some of you you decided you're gonna wait till you're 40 and I want you to Lena maybe back up maybe you get married earlier maybe 30 well you know and and I want to cast a vision for something that our society does a lousy job of honestly and for it for some of you who've just and one bad relationship after another after another and you've decided there's only bad relationships they all go the same place and all end up the same way I wouldn't help you understand that's not really the case and I want to give you hope that this can work and you don't have to buy into what culture tells us about relationships and I'm not against culture but we'll talk about that a little bit later but unfortunately as I listen to people and talk to people I just walk away going whoa in fact see and my job as a pastor it's I'm sort of like a walking conscience you know people walk up to me and confess things I'm like why are you telling me this is like Oh pastor I'm so sorry I'm like well I didn't know till now okay and then the other thing the other things that happens to people like me is I get all the letters and emails and phone calls and all the junk and I've heard I mean I hear story after story after story of just terrible terrible relationship stuff and in my community where I live up in Milton or in Alpharetta I'm pretty well-known because our church is large and so people will walk up to me and they they feel like they know me because you know those to me preach and they just start in with their story I mean they just start like hi Andy well you know and they just go and they give me these unbelievable details I mean really I'm thinking you shouldn't tell anybody that much less the pastor honestly and they just really it's like they walk up and just kind of vomit their their guts and their story and all these secrets really and I it's and I grew up my dad's a pastor so I'm not accustomed with it and here you know what I do and I don't trying to be a jerk but I don't know what else to do I actually there just tell me all the stuff and going going when I say okay hold on one second what is your name now that I know your most intimate details of your life and marriage and your boyfriend and your roommate let's go back what is your name so so it's so as I listen to these stories and read the emails and get the letters here's here's what I constantly think is sometimes I say it to people but I constantly think it I think didn't you see that coming I think didn't you know that didn't someone warn you that did no didn't no one ever tell you that did your mama never sit you down and explain to you that I mean don't you understand how men think don't you understand the way like I mean I I think common since is it common at all I guess I think what seems intuitive to some people isn't intuitive also others so I decided you know what I want to do a 3 or 4 part series where I take all the you know that and did somebody tell you didn't your mom ever warn you and put them all into 4 messages and they may not be the most organized messages I've ever done but I just feel like I need to just say to you what I find myself thinking and what I say to individuals over and over because gosh it's just it's a mess as you know and dating now is so extraordinarily complicated and so I want to try to speak into that so that's why I'm doing this second let me tell you who this is for this is for anybody who's probably anybody who's dating or anybody who wants to date or anybody's who in the dating world okay and you'd think at all I haven't had a date in a while I know but there's potential for you so this is this is for you okay this is for anybody's dating and again you may be just gone through a tough divorce and you know you're kind of get back in that dating thing and it's so different than when you were 20 or you may be 20 and and this is for anybody any couples that are living together that are thinking about marriage this is for anybody who's dating or even living together that thinks someday I hope to find somebody and I want us to be a couple and I want us to be a couple maybe as long as we both shall live worth if you're kind of dating with that mindset or you're living together with that mindset or you're in a relationship with that mindset or you're not dating right now but you hope to be with that mindset then this is going to be extraordinarily helpful for you let me tell you who might be a little frustrated the next few weeks if you are a sports dater or a recreational dater I don't know the right phrase I've asked people nobody gave me a good one you know what I mean by that you're just a serial dater yeah that's good serial dater is that it I keep asking what do you call these people okay and you know what I mean you're like it's like okay you just like the game of dating you're just in it for the fun you're in it for the pleasure you don't care who the names change you don't even give you a real name anymore you know you make up stories you know you're pre-med and you know you can't even spell pre-med but you know you're just you know your your whole thing is you just love the game and anytime somebody sits down and wants to have a define the relationship talk you say you just defined it it's over okay because you're just mean here that commitment thing forget it the marriage thing you're just in this for the sport you're in this for the sex you're in this for the fun you're in this to see how much you get her to drink you're in this to just to be able to tell stories wake up feeling like crap and go out and do it the next weekend again I mean you're just living the life okay you're not gonna love this series okay but but but but I want you to come back and here's what I'd love for you to do we don't push product but here's what you might want to do and you don't have to decide till the end you may want to get the DVD or the CDs or the mp3s because they're real cheap in fact if you will just give them to you if that's a big deal and you may want to put these in a drawer somewhere because I hope some day I hope some day after you get through this interesting phase of your life which I don't judge you at all I'm not critical at all you're not kind of made fun of it but I I'm just not a judgmental person but when you get to this different stage in life where you think you know what I'm kind of tired of this and I think I'd liked it I hate even these the words settle down I'd like to kind of you know move forward in a different way you will just say then maybe maybe you could pull this stuff out what was the guy's name dusted off and listen because then I think at that stage in your life you might find it to be really really helpful but but before we move on I want to just say one more thing to that group of you that's just like a don't want to don't make me commit I'm just in this for the fun one more thing you need to know and this is one of those didn't anybody tell you things that I wanted to go over and that's this right now is your present tense okay I don't explain this well stop following me right now is the present in a little bit in a little while this stage of your life will be in the past tense okay you got it right now it's the present okay but eventually this stage of your dating life becomes part of your past and here's the thing that a lot of married people around you nobody told them some given your heads up your past will show up in your future it's pesky it's irritating it won't go away it's a gnat but eventually in your future your past in fact this present that will become your path is going to show up in your future did you follow any of that okay and see what happens married people didn't know this but now you're gonna do this married people thought that once they got married it was like a new beginning and a brand new day and we did the wedding in the morning you know to emphasize that and the past is the past and this is a brand new thing and we're moving on and we're cutting all our ties with the past that's what they thought because nobody told him what I'm telling you what they didn't know is this that they're present that became their past showed up in their future okay you're not getting it so let me let me try explain it this way sometimes people accused me of not being a deep preacher not being like he's not very deep you know he's not very deep and the reason they don't think I'm deep I understand this and I'm okay the reason they don't think I'm deep is because I'm clear okay because in our culture not as okay in our culture we think the more confusing something is the more intelligent intellectual this so we go to lectures and we go to churches here we go oh I have no idea that means but that's deep he's so deep okay so I just made it a commitment a long time ago I never want to put on one of these and get on one of these if I can't be be clear but for the sake of for those of you who think no it's got to be confusing to be deep and you're way too smart to go with something that's simple last night as I was getting ready for today I came up with a really confusing sentence that maybe you'll think is deep and then maybe you'll take it seriously so here it is okay here it is just for you the present will be your past which will present what will be present in your future I'll make sure you can all see this okay this is this is this is as deep as I go right here the present what you're doing right now in terms of your dating life and live in the life will be your past that is one day you're gonna look back on it which will be present that is it's going to show up in your future okay so here's what I'm saying for those of you who aren't interested in you know preparing for some future relationship I'm so sure that's gonna happen to me all I'm saying is this what you're doing now is going to follow you around your relational has a pesky way of showing up at the most inopportune times and since you're single since I'm two singles I just want you to know that because a lot of your married friends nobody told them so they weren't ready for it wouldn't happen so now you're wiser because now you know let me let me tell you something else see I've been doing this a long time didn't pastor a long time and I've talked to many many many many couples couples married couples trying to get married engaged couples living together couple's problem couples everything I've never I've never ever ever talked to a couple a married couple that had a marriage problem what I've discovered is that people with problems get married and then they have a troubled marriage but when you dig down you realize oh you don't have a marriage problem you have to single prop people problems that combined in a marriage because what they discovered that nobody told them but you're gonna be so much smarter because I'm telling you is that they're single people problems went with them to the altar and it got they're single people problems got in a marriage and then they felt they had marriage problems see a marriage problem is simple nobody comes into counseling for marriage problem because a marriage problem is do we squeeze the toothpaste at the bottom in the middle or do we have our own so you don't have to make an appointment with anybody to figure that out you know do we have one checkbook or two you know that's those are marriage prompts that's good but what happens is married people married people come into marriage with things in their past that they think oh don't know once I say I do it's all over and they drag their past which we used to be their present into their future and I just want you to know that that's a reality and so what you're doing now even if you're only 18 or 19 or 20 years old it matters and I just want to give you a heads up about that now here's the other thing married people do that that's just kind of crazy and so I love talking about this the reason marry people get into so much trouble when they get married is they believe a myth and and nobody told on what I'm telling you and so I'm gonna tell you so you're gonna be the wiser for this as well this is one of those things that when I hear people tell their story I think didn't you know and the myth that they buy into it's called the right person myth we'll put this up here here's what is the right person myth the right person myth goes like this if I marry the right person everything will be alright if I marry the right person everything will be alright let's just say that together if I marry the right person everything will be alright another version goes like this when I meet the right person everything will be all right let's just say that together when I meet the right person everything will be all right what they didn't know is this is that while they were looking for the right person thinking when I meet the right person everything will be all right when they met the right person the right person was doing the same thing and they didn't know it the other person they met was looking for the right person so these two people looking for the right people meet each other it's like I've met the right person the other person when I've met the right person everything is gonna be all right now here's what happens do you know how the right people know they've met the right people chemistry chemistry it's like we just talk for hours and I just think about him all the time and I think about her all the time and I can't keep my mind off of him and he can't keep his mind and other things off of me and we just it's just like there's there's just like this chemistry you know it's just there's just there's just chemistry and so here's what happened married people here's what happens tingle people to marry people so these people they get together and they you know and they have this way of thinking this is hey you know never buy a car without driving at first right and you never buy a pair of shoes without trying to mom first so they get the whole intimacy thing going and the physical thing going on the sex thing going it's like a little it's just the greatest thing in the world there's so much chemistry and so they're convinced I've met the right person and since I've met the right person everything's gonna be all right that's right and the other person is thinking the same thing and then here's what happens single people these people with all this incredible chemistry and let me tell you the other thing they thought because you need to know this when they when they you know got together and everything she's great great great great they believe here's what they believe they believed they won't admit this but you ask him later they believe no one has ever loved like this before I mean it was like you know not my mama not my grandmama nobody on TV nobody in the movies not my friends when they're together they just stare and they go out to eat and they drink and they have fun and there's like what it's just like we were made for each other you're my soul mate and they really believe this is a unique one-of-a-kind nobody can match this kind of love they are absolutely convinced of that and so they get together and they get married the problem is all they had was chemistry they didn't know very much about relationship because they thought if I meet the right person I don't have to be good at relationship they're gonna be good at relationship that's why they're the right person I don't I don't have to like be patient because she's never gonna do anything that's gonna make me have to be patient right so they get together and guess what happens single people this is that you need to know this this heads up you're gonna be so much smarter they get together and then they get married and then they have problems guess what kind of problems they have not chemistry problems they have relationship problems because they're in a relationship and they didn't do anything to prepare for the relationship they just thought love will keep us alive you know they just thought the passion is enough and so you know what happens they get into this relationship and all of a sudden there's trouble and guess what starts to suffer the chemistry and we're it's been so passionate and so sexual and so awesome suddenly that part of the relationship begins to die and the guys really confused because the guy thinks well if we have more sex that'll fix it because guys thinks like sex is a wrench hey wouldn't fix it you know that's that's what guys think okay and the girls like that's not how it works and all of a sudden there's there's all this tension and there's all this confusion and the very thing I'm telling you you're gonna be so much smarter the very thing that made them think oh it's one of a kind love were forever and you know that all of a sudden the very thing that held them together the chemistry it starts to die because they're no good at relationship because they thought it was it was the right person myth if I meet the right person everything's gonna be all right so then somebody in the relationship generally the woman gets the bright idea I know how we can I know what would bring us closer together let's have a baby oh that's brilliant that's it let's bring another life into a dysfunctional relationship and the guy thinks well that will require sex that's a great idea okay so then they decide we're gonna have a baby and that's gonna fix our relationship as single people I know why you're laughing you're laughing like who would be so stupid I know married people this is how they think now let me pause just a second and say this while I'm telling you all this silly stuff the married people listening are going they're not even they don't even dare look at each other it's like and they're thinking how did he know let me tell you how I know my IQ is so superior to the at note let me tell you how I know okay now this is very important if you're single I'm telling you I know I'm being silly but this is so important you see the reason I know all of this it's not because I'm smart it's because as unique as you think you are and as special as you think your relationship is it's not okay it's a well-worn predictable path and I want to keep some of you off of it you know sometimes people said even just Andy I feel like when you're preaching you're talking right to me let me tell you how how why you think I'm talking right to you because you're not that different than everybody else we are all very hate to burst your bubble we are all very very much the same we are human beings I mean we have so much in common and again when we begin to think we are something unique and we're something special we're all some unique paths no no it's not true it's just not true so then so then this couple they it's now we're gonna have a baby we're gonna fix it now look here's another statistic you need to know this okay there are two or three times in the life of a man when he's most vulnerable a married man when he's most tempted to have an affair guess what one of the top two are when his wife is pregnant you think scum who would go out and have an affair when his wife's pregnant trying to fix the relationship I'm telling you it happens all the time because here's how men think now guys okay week three you don't want to miss you don't want to miss any of this okay but week three we're gonna go here big time I just kind of count a little heads up week three here's what guys think guys think well I got needs okay guys head set we're gonna talk about this in detail later okay sex is not a need water you need water food food you need food in certain climates you need shelter but guys that check this out later because you don't take my word for it okay check that later you a man don't take my word for it can go his entire life and never have sex and not die or even get sick I know you just check it out for yourself okay but in our minds we think oh no no so guys make terrible terrible decisions and then then here's what happens single people this evens know this so now we got people who didn't really know much about relationship but the passion was there now the passion is gone now we got a baby you know was getting his sleep and then he's at work one day he's at work one day you know and he looks up and guess who he sees the right person and he realizes do you know what's wrong with my marriage I married the wrong person but I just met the right person she's at the gym speaking to Jim Jim Jim Jim we went to high school together remember Jim we used to date remember promise she realizes you know what the problem is I married the wrong person and off they go again you know why most second marriages have a you know higher failure rate than first marriages single people you need to know this because married people are kind of sad because they do the very same thing again expecting different results because they buy in to the right person miss and remember that thing about you know you wouldn't drive a car without trying it out first ever buy pair of shoes without trying them out first you know what heads up in these kinds of marriages you got two used cars and to use pairs use and they don't know what to do with each other and they wonder what happened I just want you to know something it does not have to be that way that does not have to be your future the handwriting is not on the wall there is something different and there is something better and our culture doesn't celebrate it and our culture doesn't give it any airtime and I'll tell you why it's not because our culture is against happy marriages it's not because our culture is against successful relationships the problem is they're boring if somebody were to make do a reality TV show of my marriage no one would watch it but I love my marriage but it's just kind of the same ol extraordinary thing day after day after day after day okay you don't want to watch a movie about two happily married people be like how long is this gonna go on they just hold hands walk around the park jog together have dinner at home every night and who wants to watch married people have sex I mean it's like us we don't do that so the problem is this the the great marriages and the great relationships it gets no airplay because honestly it's just not that entertaining so of course our culture that's so entertainment crazy and I'm not against that our culture of course highlights all the trouble and all the drama and all the affairs and all the junk and if you want to entertain yourself with that that's absolutely fine but please single people do not believe for a minute that any of that reflects reality and in you I'd never buy into that but I'm telling you if you date with the mindset if I find the right person the right things will happen if I date the right person if I meet the right person everything will be all right you have bought into the fairy tale idea that is the lie that we're told over and over and over it just doesn't work that way there is a better way so as we begin this series remember this is just the introduction as we begin this series I want to give you a big idea that I want you to begin to get your heads around in your hearts around and I want you to begin to think about because we're gonna come back to this over and over and over here's the contrast the idea is this instead of finding the right person the real issue is are you becoming the right person this is this is huge it's not a cute little statements not a cute little phrase this is the whole deal right here this is what nobody told you this is what nobody told most married people this is why they date the way they did is why they do the things they do it's why they wake up on the other side of marriage or wake up on the other side of a long-term relationship and go what happened to the passion you know what happened to the pizzazz you know what happened to the fire what happened to the fuel you know what happened to all the great stuff why are we like roommates and it's because they went out trying to find the right person they never spent any energy any time becoming the right person this is the new approach this needs to be your new rule and I'm telling you it is life life life life changing when I was preparing for this series I did several things to try to get ready for this and one of the things I did is I met with 9 or 10 single people who are like thinking the whole dating thing and I got them in a room and I said okay let's just talk frankly about dating okay you know it's been a long time and so I did I want to understand I want to understand terms I want to understand experiences I want to understand expectations and I thought I understood all this but I just you know want to hear it firsthand from some really neat people and one of the young ladies in that room told this story and I feel like it explains and illustrates this point better than any other thing I've heard she said grew up in a religious home I kind of had the sunday-school background and you know the Bible and Jesus and God that whole thing went to school graduated came came to Atlanta and immersed herself and kind of the singles dating culture and she said you know it's not that I quit believing what I used to believe it's just that I kind of took all of that and I just put it on the back burner it wasn't like I had some religious epiphany you know one night Jesus is not the Son of God you know it wasn't anything like that she just said I just I decided in terms of my dating and my relationships with guys I'm just not factoring that in so she's living the life doing her deal you know having fun things that she you know looked back on and said she wished she hadn't done anyway so she's gone along so she's at some gathering I don't know exactly what it was and then this gathering with some people she didn't know and she began to meet some people and she met this guy and she said this guy was like the total package those are her words the looks the job the person al everything and she said as she began to talk to him and she began to listen to him talk it became very apparent he was a Christian and not only was he a Christian he was a Christian that was figuring out and they committed to living out his faith and his job living out his faith in his relationships and living out his faith and his dating relationships I mean he was very overt about that mature good-looking I mean everything is she was like wow and she said as as she talked to him it brought back memories of some of the things that she'd kind of put on the back burner as she had immersed herself in this dating culture she said that really wasn't working out very well for her well anyway she left that party or that gathering just just wow this guy this guy this guy this guy she went home I don't know if it was the next day or you know a few days later she goes home and she starts telling her mom about this guy she's going on on how good-looking he is and he's got this and that he's a Christian and on and on and on and she said that her mother turned to her and said sweetheart the problem is a guy like that is not looking for a girl like you she said she literally fell to the floor and a puddle of tears and she cried is she cried and she cried because she knew her mom was exactly right and she said that was a defining moment for her as a single person a defining moment where she decided you know what she's right that guy that I'm kind of looking for that I would never admit to myself I'm looking for he's not looking for somebody like me she said in that moment she decided life changed priorities changing values changing friendships changing I'm going a different direction with my life and how I date here's the question I want to leave you with tonight as we wrap this up in just a few minutes are you who are you who the person you are looking for is looking for are you who the person that you're looking for it's leaf or in other words you see it single people if you were to sit down you could come up with a list I want in this way and you heard this way and here's what I'd like her to have in her past I don't want to have this in her past they want him to have this in his past they want to have this kind of addiction don't want to spend his time on this don't you know I want you you know the word you know ideally what you're looking for the question is are you who the person you're looking for is looking for another word another way of asking this is this are you becoming are you being intentional are you leaning into are you trying to become the person that the person you're looking for is looking for or are you just playing the game of will someday I'm gonna magically run into I'm gonna magically mysteriously providentially just meet the right person and if I meet the right person the right things will happen it just doesn't work that way it's a myth that the correct approach the approach that will serve you so well is to decide I'm not just hunting and I'm not just seeking I am intentionally becoming I want to be the person that the person I'm looking for is ultimately looking for now here's the interesting things think when you open the pages of the scripture and we're actually going to do that tonight so hang on when when you open the pages of Scripture you find very little help you find very little help in helping you find the right person but if you open the scriptures and ask the question God how do I become the right person suddenly the pages of Scripture light up and that should not come as a surprise for this reason this is so important when I'm about to say the reason that shouldn't come as a surprise is because God created relationship let's pause and think about this for a minute if you believe in creation at any level you're a creationist that something may be not Christian but you know you're not sure but you know somewhere out there somewhere a long time ago there was something that created if you believe in any kind of creation then you pretty much have to admit relationship is a creation God created relationship and check this out God created you for relationship it is natural that you want to hear somebody say to you I love you it is natural that you would light up if the person that you loved were to say to you I adore you it's natural to want to hear somebody say you are the most important person and my life it's natural want to hear somebody say I have so much respect for you I would follow you anywhere it's naturally want somebody to say when you walk in the room honestly when you walk in the room I feel like I light up on the inside you're gonna want somebody to say to you when I hear the garage door opening I'm excited when I know that you're home see when I'm staying all this things you're going oh yes and then because you know what it is listen that is this is important that is the thumb print of God on your soul you were created for relationship you were designed for this you were created to hear somebody say I am Forever Yours faithfully right two people got it right I'm forever Yours faithfully that that is that is just in you God made it that way and here's the thing I want you to hear from me I know I'm older than most of you and I've been married 20-something years I just want you to know it's it's possible it's possible it's possible I don't want you to give up on that dream because somebody say I you're just this doesn't happen anymore it does happen it can happen for you you were made for this but it doesn't happen accidentally and it doesn't just happen somewhat providentially it doesn't just happen while I'm just out there making myself available and if I make myself available to enough women or to enough men then eventually somehow I'm just going to meet the right person it just that just leads to heartache but there is a way and the way is you need to become you need to become intentional about becoming the person that you're looking for it's looking for and when you open the pages of Scripture oh my goodness it's what we talked about here week after week after week after week so to get us started I want to be really really really single person specific and I want to give you some starting points for what you need to become okay now we're gonna give you a list the list comes out of the scripture I'm not going to give you the whole list because you're smart enough to look it up and on your way out tonight we're actually gonna give you a little printed card that looks like this and it has a list of these things now this sounds a little crazy but here's what I'm suggesting I'm suggesting that on every date in every conversation with someone that you may ever want to date eyes say in every conversation with every person that may even be potential you begin to practice these things in other words if you want to create if you want to develop I should say if you want to develop some sweet dating skills here they are okay if you want to give us and if you want to get better at something I suggest this over sex okay we'll talk about that next week you really don't wanna miss next week if you want to prepare yourself and get ready ready ready for that you know you know that future relationship here is the way to do it this is how you become the person that the person you're looking for may in fact be looking forward this list is found in one of the most famous chapters and all the Bible we're gonna hit a few of these first Corinthians chapter 13 it's actually called the what the the love chapter that's how it's called a love chapter because in this chapter the Apostle Paul says here's what love is I want to know what love is this is what love is I'm about to tell you and add it in he gives us nothing as many of you know this some of you've memorized this this is a list I just want to go through about four things on this list and kind of interject what this looks like in these relationships you are smart enough to figure it out from there and the next week we're gonna do something else here's what he says he says he starts this way he says love is what's the word love is patient just practicing with you okay do you know what patience means here's what patience means love love never pressures the other person ever love creates as much space and time and margin is the other person needs wow that's what love does love is patient if you're in a relationship and you're being pushed push push push push push and why don't you why can't you I just want you to know that person is not loving you I don't know what they're doing but they're not loving you if in your past relationship you found the one and it can go can go either way we're kind of pushing and why don't you why don't you start have you thought about and push push push push push you're not loving listen this doesn't suddenly appear as a personal virtue when you say I do or when you move in with someone this is developed over time every single date every single relationship you need to get better at this he goes on love is patient love is kind we don't like that word it's kind of a weak word in our current vocabulary here's a better word love is consider it do you not consider it means consider it means that you take into consideration how the other person feels all the time love is kind love is considerate you know I'm suggesting I'm not suggesting you wait until you find the one then you start working on this stuff I'm suggesting you work on it in every single relationship so that by the time you meet somebody that you think maybe they're the one you are the kindest most considerate human being on the planet let me tell you what married people thought okay these whatever people thought maybe people thought I don't need to become kind or consider it because when I meet the right person they're gonna be so right it won't require kindness from me they're gonna be so perfect I'm not there's not gonna be anything to consider it's just gonna come natural and then when they got together and got married they weren't very good at this and neither was their partner because their partner was thinking the same thing Paul says no no come on come on I want you to become something it's becoming that prepares you for great relationship patience kindness they need then he goes on he says love does not envy now let me tell you what some of your parents split up over this issue now you didn't think of it as Envy let me define some of your parents says if you come from some really messed up homes okay some of your parents split up over this and you know what envy is envy is when I don't feel so good about me so I can't let you feel too good about you I don't feel too good about me so I can't let you feel too good about you and I'm gonna drag you down drag you down drag you down drag you and drag you down did you know what for some of you because of the way you were raised you have a problem with that and you're gonna drag that into every relationship unless you start practicing and allowing God to root that out of you you know what you know what this means it means that when you're on a date and your date tells a story instead of telling a story that's better you just go wow really a three-pound back you caught a three pound bass you put a little let me feel those muscles whoo you caught you and you don't tell them well you know my brother and dad are on the fishing channel okay you don't tell your story you just go a three pound bass Wow you're just gonna let the glory sit with them you're not gonna feel like you have to one-up them now I want you to listen to your conversations you single people you should practice this all the time you should learn to just go wow and shut up you should learn to just go WOW and celebrate other people's stories this is a great habit listen this doesn't come naturally I'm telling you people get married and all of a sudden he's a little bit threatened because she's a little more successful than he is you know people get married and she's a little bit more outgoing and she gets more attention and he can't stand it and so you know he doesn't feel good about himself so she's he's not gonna let her feel good about herself and he drags her down and drags her down and drags her down and destroys the intimacy in the relationship because he never knew he had a problem with this because he thought if he met the right person Envy would just magically disappear he goes on does not boast he's not proud now I know what some of you are thinking you're thinking okay time out maybe this sounds like the worst date ever are you kidding like you go on a date and hey let's be patient we're patient now you be kind okay and I'll not envy and we'll just kind of drive around there we'll go to a restaurant and I'll be considerate you'd be considered not hold the door no you know you know yeah it's just gonna be so fun then we're gonna get home and I'm not gonna be proud and I'm not gonna boast and then we get to the door I don't want to have any necessary expectations and we'll just considerately patiently say goodbye to each other and go home are you kidding how did you Sandra ever ever make any progress what do you mean what does that look like I mean this is just ridiculous that's not a date that's like a bad church service or something right let me let me ask you a question they were gonna move on for those of you whose families just or a mess maybe they didn't get your parents take a divorce but you look at their marriage and you go if that's what it's like forget it what do you think maybe do you think maybe you're growing up family life would have been better and your parents would have stayed together if they'd been more patient with each other if your father had been more considerate of how your mom felt if there wasn't so much competition and one-upmanship if there wasn't so much pride see some of you your dad was so proud he could never admit he was wrong for some of you your mom she was so proud she could never admit she was wrong and it just destroyed the intimacy in that relationship do you think some doses of this stuff would have helped the answer is yes why didn't they have it why didn't they learn it do you realize the opportunities that you have do you realize that you get to get this right do you realize this will serve you so well but do you realize you are responsible for stepping up and saying god I want you to transform my character I want to become something so that once I've become something that if I choose and you allow me to meet someone I'll actually be attractive to the person that I hope someday to meet let me just be brutally honest with you some of you you've missed this for so long and you've ignored this for so long that it's tonight after the service or today after the service you were to meet the person of your dreams they wouldn't really be attracted to you because you're not who they're looking for but you can be then he gets to the juicy one okay we're going to finish this up real quick does not dishonor others does not dishonor that you know what you know this means it means that when you date you never ever ever create you never ever ever create regret that you are never part of somebody's regret story well I wish I'd never answered the phone I wish I hadn't said yes I wish we hadn't gone out I wish I you this means I'm never ever again ever gonna do anything that creates regret in this relation let me give you some more words to kind of tease this out does not behaved disgracefully dishonorably or indecently see I know I'm not stupid for some of you just like Andy I don't want to mid this in church but that's kind of my goal I mean that's why I go out you did those three words right there that's disgraceful absolutely dishonorably heck yeah indecently I thought that was the goal now I just want to say to you I don't judge you I love you you're wonderful stay away from my daughter but I love you you know but let me just say this to you listen listen listen listen what serves you well while you're living the life is going to destroy what you value most later and I'm not saying that because I'm mad at you I'm trying to make you feel guilty I'm here because I love you and I want you to get it right and so now is the time to start dating with you know what I am going to learn to honor a man I'm gonna learn to honor a woman so that one day when I fall madly in love with somebody that I might want to spend the rest of my life with I am like the best honor er on the planet they are gonna feel so extraordinarily honored and let me tell you again what married people did married people got married and I thought well once I get married I will automatically be an honor er I will automatically know how to do this since I'm marrying the right person I'm not even gonna have to try because they're so awesome it's just gonna pull honor out of me and they were wrong and it killed the passion killed the romance he goes on and says this and love is not self-seeking now stop there I'm asking a question does any of this come naturally uh uh do you know what comes naturally in a relationship passion chemistry can't wait to get alone with you give me some of that that's what comes naturally okay that's just nature and you know what it's good it's really good it's awesome it comes naturally but single people I know you're not going to believe this because the married people around you didn't believe it either you can feel that way about thousands of people you can feel that way about people that don't even speak your language you can feel pilla that way about people you're only gonna see for one weekend come on you went on spring break you felt that about a person you lied about your name he lied about his name and you don't know where they are and you felt chemistry it didn't take any work and to allow your relationships to be driven by something you can feel for a thousand different people something that comes naturally the things somehow and I meet the right person all this other stuffs just gonna magically appear come on that's the fairy tale that's the fairy tale that drives people into relationships that make you begin to believe it doesn't work nobody falls in love and stays and love forever and marriage is something that just needs to be discarded on the wastebasket of history this requires effort but my friends you can do this if you decide God from this point on I'm not just searching I'm not just hunting I want to become I want to become someone worth catching and someone worth pursuing I want to be ready so when I meet if I'm to meet that person I have the person they're actually looking for now this whole passage 1st Corinthians 13 it ends in the most unusual way in fact if you don't read your Bible this should make you want to read your Bible this is so fascinating listen to how the Apostle Paul ends this whole discussion in fact we're gonna pick it up with this verse next week when we come back listen to what he says when I was a child I talked like a child okay I understand I thought like a child okay when you're a child you thought like a child of course that's what children do I reasoned like a child that's right when your child you think like a child you talk like a child you reason like a child but when I became a man or you could put in their adult when I became an adult I put away the ways of chai put the ways of childhood behind me now with that in mind let me ask you a question how does every childhood fairy tale end when the prince finally gets rid of the you know the ugly stepmother and the stepsisters in the stand the prince finally gets the princess and they over overcome the odds of the monsters and the dragons and the distance they overcome the odds either the obstacle of the overpowering father and when at the end of every childhood story when the prince and the princess finally overcome all the odds and they're finally able to get together what do they say at the end of the stories and they they lived happily of efforts because listen listen in children's stories if you can just get these two people together the rest takes care of itself some of you are dating and some of you are approaching relationships thinking like a child reasoning like a child talking like a child and it's time for you and I'm saying this because I care it's time for you to put the ways of childhood behind you and decide you know what that's right this isn't about magically finding the right person that's Disney you know that's fantasy that's fairy tales that makes good movies good TV and good novels but it's not reality so I'm gonna put the ways of childhood behind me and I'm not going to approach my relationships anymore thinking that if I magically find the right person magically all the magic things will happen from this point forward I'm gonna do everything in my power to become the person that the person I'm looking for it's looking for I'm telling you that's your best chance for success relationally and you can do this and I want this for you but who cares what I want your heavenly father that created relationship and created view for relationship wants this for you so as you leave tonight we're gonna give you the list I want to challenge you to memorize it it won't take you long you'll never regret this I know this is what you're looking for and other people I want you to memorize this and ask God to make you this kind of person this is the best preparation you can make they have successful relationships and you know what's gonna happen if you memorize this list not only are you going to become more of this you are going to begin to be repulsed by people who aren't you're gonna see a lack of some of this in people and you're gonna think you know what I'll keep him or her and my circle of friends but I will not allow them into the internal circle that special one-of-a-kind circle that one person circle in my life and God will use this to transform your life and he will use it to guard your heart as well so here's the question are you who the person you're looking for just looking for and are you willing to allow God to help you become that over the next course of your life let's pray together Heavenly Father I know this lands in a thousand different places and for some of us it's it's just you know confirms what we thought for some of us it affirms decisions we've already made for some of us this is brand-new information for some of us that this is just a ton of guilt that just pours all over us so father wherever this lands would you give us the courage not to walk away discouraged but would you give us the courage to lift our eyes to you and say God I want that I want that in spite of what I've done in spite of my past in spite of what I've known and ignored I want that I want to become someone worth pursuing and I want to be the person that the person I'm looking for is actually looking for I want to become a person that's characterized by love so God give us the listen to know what to do with what we just heard and then please give us the courage to walk out of here and begin in Jesus name we pray amen

Channel: North Point Care

Views: 32,134

Rating: 4.9285712 out of 5

Keywords: care network, north point community church, woodstock church, buckhead church, Gwinnett church, decatur city church, brownsbridge church, help, struggling, challenges, pain, relationships, transition, change, ministry resources, resources, training, counseling, sex, love, dating

Id: _RqbijonXGI

Length: 51min 29sec (3089 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 20 2017