Becoming Stepfamily Smart 2

so let's start by talking about what I like to affectionately call the six piece of step parenting the first one ought to be pretty obvious to us prayer prayer of course we need prayer anybody who's a parent a step here at foster parent it doesn't matter what kind of parental influence you have if you're trying to pour into the life of a child you know you need prayer because we cannot control those little suckers can I get an amen we love them like crazy we are so invested in who they are and what they are becoming we're invested in whether or not they come to know the Lord we want good things for their life and it's hard I mean parenting is a challenge I just want to encourage you BAE that all in prayer prayer keeps you humble so that we don't think too much of ourselves as parents praying together as husband and wife keep you humble together which is a whole nother dynamic that I think is exceedingly powerful when you're humble together on your knees before the Lord that keeps your heart in submission to him together I mean think about that little triangle for a second humble together before the God of the universe that is a good posture to have asking his help Lord what do we do that actually helps keep you connected as husband and wife on a certain spiritual level we call that spiritual intimacy sometimes it keeps you leaning on him and looking to him for his truth and his advice submission makes sure that you're following his truth and you're not trying to lead with your own personal truth of what you think is right and wrong and how you go about living your life let me just start by encouraging you to bathe the whole parenting process in prayer the second P is partner partner that really has to do with your relationship as the head of the household I realize some of you are dating some of you maybe our single parents and just beginning that dating process maybe not dating at all but you're here to learn I'm so glad you're here others of you are really close to getting married I've met a few of you and maybe you're on the verge of engagement are already engaged and you're planning a wedding still this principle applies when you partner together what you're saying to the world is at that time when you walk down the aisle and those of you that are married when you walk down the aisle you are making a declaration to yourself to the world your children and everybody around you look this relationship is exceedingly important I'm now shifting all of my allegiance in life except my ultimate allegiance to the God above I'm shifting that to this person who is now my partner and that relationship leads parenting as well I'm gonna show you a little bit later tonight how things get off-kilter sometimes and how the parent-child relationships that predate the marriage can end up leading parenting and that is problematic but having your marriage be the primary relationship is so very important in this new book Gary and I say that marriage in a blended family is the first and last motivator of everybody else in the picture to get on board with the whole idea of becoming family let me explain what I mean by that it's the first motivator well that's pretty obvious if the two of you didn't fall in love and start dating and say we're gonna live together we're gonna have a life together none of the other people would do it the kids wouldn't get together go let's be a family that would not happen right so your relationship is clearly the first motivator to them figuring out how now do we become family with one another it is also the last motivator what I mean by that is in the case of struggle or difficulty or conflict or things are rough when there's a few relationships within your home are good but there's a lot of things that aren't going good and everybody feels like you know what it's safer to just go back over to our corner let's let's go back mom or dad let's go back to where we were let's be a family just us again the temptation in the middle of stress in a blended family is to pull apart not merge together by the way this is a this is a common struggle the first few years of every step family there are forces that are trying to move you together that's your intentionality that's your heart that's your love that's your effort to bond and build relationship and there are also forces that are trying to pull you apart that's the unknown that's the what do we do by the way I just occurs to me as we're looking at this whole coronavirus anxiety in our world what's happening we're all retreating back into our homes we're not Gainey we're not assembling with other people right all of a sudden it's like let's go back to what's safe the same dynamic happens in stepfamilies when there's conflict and when there's stress and the process of merging is stressful inherently so there's always some forces working against one another and in the case where a kid is like why should I invest why should I put me in with you guys the last motivator the thing that ultimately makes them say I guess I have to figure this out is your marriage because if this kid is looking at dad's marriage to her and he's saying you know what my dad's not happy I can tell my dad's not in love I can tell she doesn't treat him well I can tell he's confused about his marriage I can tell he's not I don't know if he's gonna stay in this and you know what if I were advising him I might advise him to get out why will that kid have any motivation whatsoever to merge they won't they'll go back to where it's safe and they'll stay there but a marriage that says a dad who says to that son son I'm not going anywhere this marriage is for life puts his son in a position where he must now figure out how now do I do life in light of all these other connections and relationships because dad and his wife are solid I may not like it I may not be motivated to one emerge but I have to now that's the worst case scenario it's the first and the last motivator for children former spouses parents former in-laws your current in-laws your grandparents for all of them to be motivated to figure out how to be part of the family identity your marriage is what makes that happen partnering is exceedingly important I have a co-worker guy that works with me at family life by the way if you're not familiar with family life we're a very large marriage and family organization we work all over the US and all over the world we're in 105 countries we have a national radio broadcast we produce resources and curriculum materials for churches on a regular basis and I run the division called Fame and life blended we create all kinds of resources and tools and materials for blended family couples that we equip churches to be able to do ministry if you're interested in any of that come look us up all right family life that come slash blended I was working with a guy one day and we were having a conversation getting to know each other he was kind of new to the ministry and I said tell me about yourself he said well I grew up in a blended family just like you know the families do you work with I said yeah he said yeah it was great I had a great stepdad he came into my life when I was about five my parents had divorced and I liked him and we got along but I never respected him and I had a little whiplash in that moment like whoa how long timeout you liked him you loved him you call him yeah I think he called him dad pretty early on in their journey together but all of a sudden he says I don't I never respect him I was like all right timeout explained that to me and he said oh it's pretty easy my mom made it very clear to us and to him soon after they got married that if they ever had any difficulties and she ever felt like her kids us were not being treated fairly by him she would take us and leave and listen to what that did in his mind as a five-year-old this means I don't have to respect him mom does it respect him I don't have to either is that gonna undercut stepdads ability to get his socks picked up is that gonna undercut stepdads ability to be a leader in his home is that gonna undercut everything he tries to put on as a stepdad who is loving this child you bet it does see partnering everything flows out of your marriage relationship to help the family merge and to help the stepparent find their footing in the home P number three pursue at some point set parents you got to pursue those kids and build a relationship with them now depends on where you are tonight in terms of what you'll hear so you just are in the beginning process of that others are you or and somewhere in the middle like they've got a some good stuff going and some of you are way down at the end and you're reaping those rewards of all the time and energy that you've invested so let me just kind of offer a little bit that may influence wherever you are if you're in the beginning of this process obviously you want to start by building a relationship around things you have in common with this child find what they're good at what their interests are and try to step into that world a little bit find your common ground and then develop that as you go essentially what you're doing is building trust you're building trust the five love languages you guys familiar with that anybody in here ever read that book of course you're familiar with that right there's some key simple principles in that book essentially it's about setting yourself aside and learning how to love somebody with their quote language as Gary likes to say in in a in a way that connects to their heart that really really touches their heart and tells them in a way that they really hear that you love them that you care for them that they're important to you you value who they are in your life that's all based on trust can you imagine the conversation I had with Gary one day we're friends colleagues we'd work together a few times we've been around each other some we'd had some good conversation and he's one of my heroes can you imagine the day I had to sit down with him and go okay the five love languages book the main one has sold 14 million copies in English and it's in 50 languages and you've written the parenting book the teenage book the military version the mom of the woman's version the men's version I have no idea how many of those copies those have sold and oh by the way Gary you missed something I was scared to death to even utter those words like I think there's a reason we need to write one together and you know what he's so humble such a cool guy he goes you know what I think you're right I've always wanted to do something for blended family so let's get together on that and we began to talk it through and I said your principles are fabulous but they're all based on trust if my wife and I love each other trust each other and I then speak her love language quality time and I spend time with her and I'm focused and she feels me being with her and and the phone is down and no distractions and Ron's doing little things to show her how valuable she is that works assuming she wants me to love her that way it assumes she actually trusts me enough to love her in a way that's genuine and authentic and feels right and then it adds up to something important and special to her but if she doesn't trust me if she doesn't know me why would she want me to love her that way imagine a stepparent trying to pursue a relationship with a stepchild and the stepchild is kind of like I you know whatever I don't need you the step parents trying you're trying you're trying and the kids like I don't need you and you don't even know their love language and you go out of your way to foot but if they don't want it what good is it as a matter of fact we pulled a bunch of people and we asked them like is that a verb backfire are you absolutely a backfires you know giving you know spending time with this kid they don't want to spend time with me I feel like I'm just wasting my time and then I get frustrated and feel like they're pushing back and I feel rejected you bet it backfired what's going on there the issue is who wants to have a relationship with whom so as you pursue a relationship you have to that's our next P pace P AC e you have to pace with the child their level of openness to you will dictate how able how quickly and to what degree you will able to enter into their heart let me give you an illustration that this makes sense to everybody here even as I say it you'll know exactly what I'm talking about so imagine if I gave you an assignment I want you to go this next week somebody just moved in your neighbor so you got new neighbors two doors down you don't know them I want you to go make friends with them all right spend the whole time get to know them make friends how would you not go about making friends my guess is if you went two doors down and knocked on their door and they said hello who is it my guess is you would not say hey I'm your new best friend open up I'm coming in and if they crack the door open just to see who the loon is outside that door you would push the door open shove your way into their living room go to their kitchen start getting food the refrigerator saying I'm your new best friend we're in love giving up a bear hug no you're going to jail that's what's happened why can you not do that because they don't trust you they don't know you they don't know what you're about there's no relationship there you haven't invested the time or the energy clearly you can't do that as a stepparent on day one you're trying to make a friend go knock on the door and if the child on the other side of the door just talks to you through the door and they're unwilling to crack the door open guess what that's as good as it gets for today it's not the end of the story but today you've got to meet them where they are you have to pace with where they are so what does that mean you talk through the door well that just feels lousy I know it does like that's hard and I hope you had a friend and a spouse that you can talk to about this and kind of complain about off to the side but when you come back up on that doorstep you better just talk softly through the door because if you get on the other side of door it's our bank come on let me in I'm a nice person they're putting a double lock on the inside right they're definitely not letting you and you have to pace and then if they crack that little door open you could see an eyeball that's all you guys one eyeball right there you talk to the eyeball and you figure out what the eyeball enjoys in life and you find some interest in something you have in common and you start talking about football or baseball or what or fashion or music or you find whatever you have in common and you start building with that and over time you build a little bit of a connection enough that they on the other side start to crack the door open you get the picture right so you really what we're talking about here with pace is what I like to call the dance of want the dance of want like who wants the relationship more do both parties want if you find a new friend and you ever had one of those relationships like you just connected out of nowhere like clearly both of you were looking for a friend and we're open to that and you have a lot in common and bam it took off and it ran fast some of us have had romance relationships like that it ran fast right others where you wanted a little more from than they wanted from you and you had to work on him a while before they were willing to date you your want was higher than their want but then ultimately you got to a place where they said okay I'll go out with you and you went out on a date and you enjoyed it and you were like okay this was good but now I want another date I wonder if they want another date I don't know maybe not and you got a little anxiety about you wanted more than they wanted you with me and then you break through that barrier and you ask and she says yes and she wants to go out again and pretty soon you're going out a number of times and then you're beginning to think I think I could like love you and say I love you but do I say that because what if they don't want me to say that and what if they feel weird about that and you want but you don't know if they want and then you break through that barrier and you both said I love you and then you're dating and you're beginning to think about marriage and you're like I don't know do you think maybe the other person is feeling and the dance of want continues and then you get down on one knee and you're thinking I think she's gonna say yes but I'm not positive she's gonna say yes and you asked the question and she says yes and the want is equal and you get married and think the Lord as soon as you get married you never have to worry about the dance of one ever again how come I'm the one who always asked you how your day was and you don't really like ask me about my day do you not want me now that I'm keeping score anything with the last 495 times we've had sex I've started you know so do you not want me see this count about wanting sex it's kind of about sexual desire but it's really about do you want me see the dance with want doesn't go away it is the anxiety in our hearts on a regular basis same dance is going on between an adult and a child and a stepparent stepchild situation you want you're highly motivated toward love you want them to want you to love them you want a connection you want them to feel like family like you feel like family and your motivation is high and they're want and their motivation is kind of like with and some kids have high motivation and they equal you and you just have a relationship that takes off and it goes fast and then there's another child in the same home who's got a moderate level of want and you know you connect around some things and it's just weird at other time but then there's that other child and it's awkward it's weird you're knocking on the door they're not letting you in all three situations you've got a pace the kid who opens the door says come on in here my new BFF go in enjoy it the kid who says now to give you one eyeball okay it's a start we got to work with that the kid who says nope stay on the outside of the room you you you got a pace where they are because that's the only way they will find enough trust to let you move in a little bit deeper that brings us to our next P patience even as I say this it feels inadequate it's hard it is so hard to be patient desperation for a relationship is the enemy of step family merging and bonding when your want is so high and not matched by their want and you're trying to force it on them you end up doing all the wrong things and it all backfires because they look at you as somebody who is overbearing and doesn't get the hint and can't be trusted to get trust you then I go that you in it's hard but you've got to be patient I did say last year in this seminar and if you've read anything I've ever written any of the eight books that we've produced or the video series or anything related to any of that you've heard me say you cook a step family in a crock pot it takes a long time but man is it good when you get there I did not say insta pot wanna make sure you got that right say Kroc five six seven hours blended families out on average take five to seven years to really find their sense of identity and togetherness and routine is settled and traditions have been established and we all have a sense of connectedness is there every ingredient kind of merged into that same crock-pot and experience the same no but for the most part that's a process and so some of you just heard me go five to seven what dear god no that's just average right because it's a merging process there are people personalities there's traditions there's art and loss it's all kinds of stuff going on and and you got to wait for ingredients to warm up so they can soften and then they merge that's what happens in a crock-pot a little bit of heat helps people warm up they soften and now they start sharing of themselves warming up is about getting to know you finding what we have in common softening is I learned to trust you a little bit not a lot but a little bit so I'm opening the door a little bit more on our relationship and I begin to share a little of me and you share a little more of you and then the relationship begins to grow at that point and we continue forward in that process sometimes it's two steps forward one step back so we have progress and then we're you know fall back and then we gain a little we lose a little but at the end of the day we're cooking patience is your friend not desperation persistence philosophy persistence is doggone it I'm not giving up we're gonna stay in this game we're gonna keep working I'm gonna do what I can I cannot force relationship on you if you're not open to it but I can continue to stand on the front porch and that's really difficult because some of you have felt that to the point where you're just like ready to walk off and leave and you don't want to stay in there or knock anymore and I understand taking a little break every now and then and stepping away from that but then come back because if you don't come back there's no way you can ever build a relationship don't be a bull in a china closet don't do that everything gets broken be stubborn stubborn in love stubbornly persistent to not go away not to be chased away especially when situations are difficult crackpots use heat a little bit of heat it's not a high heat but they definitely use heat but it's a long drawn-out low heat that eventually softens ingredients I feel the need to just wrap back around one more time and say prayer yeah prayer prayer is important in this whole process because you don't know when to Zig or zag sometimes you don't know whether it's time to move in a little tighter or back up a little bit more and sometimes you move in and whoop that in work alright regroup what are we gonna do like it's a live and learn God help me move us through this process Lord we trust you as best we can we're gonna learn from mistakes but we're gonna continue forward as best we can and that really makes a difference when you bathe that whole process in prayer now I said a minute ago what if you're kind of dealing with the rejection thing and I just want to address that for a few minutes here just because I know some of you are not everybody it certainly isn't necessary to every step family experience so please don't hear me say that but I know some of you are feeling that so let's just talk about it for just a few minutes first of all let me just say make sure that it really is rejection make sure that it really is rejection sometimes I don't think it is rejection I think kids just feel a little awkward sometimes they just feel unsure of you meaning they're just not sure that they know you well enough they trust you that they just don't quite have the whole picture sometimes yes there's a loyalty conflict going on I like you stepdad that's my problem I love my dad and the last thing I want my dad to think is that I like you more love you more somehow I'm getting rid of him and replacing you I don't want dad to think that so I kind of just play it cool with you that makes sense right that makes sense if you're a kid because that dad relationship is special in primary and you don't want to ever jeopardize that relationship and so you just you're trying to figure out the territory that's not rejection but if you jump to a conclusion and go yeah you've got nothing for me forget it well then you made it function like rejection and that would be really unfortunate cuz it's just a matter of them figuring out the territory and a little more time and things might have lightened up but I do want to say yeah sometimes there's a kid who just has very low motivation you're high motivated they're low motivation to move into relationship with you what's behind that loss sadness you know for some kids you're the one who's there but the parent they really want a relationship with is not there you know how can I love you mom when my real mom is not here she's not showing up she's disappeared she's m.i.a whatever that experience it that's really hard for them to then just bring you into they're so lost sometimes get in the way hurt sometimes kids you know feel the hurt of what's happened in the past and they're carrying that with them and they're gonna blame somebody and often stepparents kind of this easy scapegoat for that hurt for that angst and that pain loyalty confused and we talked about that a little bit sometimes you've read you've earned the rejection what I mean by that is came on too strong you tried to right all the wrongs in this kid's life by fixing them and you did it before you kind of earn their respect and so you know maybe you just got a little quirk to your personality and you got a temper and they've just seen you with somebody they're not sure they can trust sometimes we we earned that rejection whatever that process is two quick things I want to suggest to you that you can do first one is lead with love lead with love have you guys ever thought about the question that Jesus asked remember this the parable of the prodigal son and excuse me not Luke chapter 10 the parable of the Good Samaritan right this teacher comes to Jesus and he says who's my neighbor they're talking about fulfilling the law and this guy wants to know who he has to treat as his neighbor and be kind to and so he says who is my neighbor and Jesus tells him the story about this guy and falls by the wayside and three people pass by him you know the story right parable the Good Samaritan when Jesus gets to the end of story have you ever noticed the that Jesus asked back to the teacher remember the question initially was who is my neighbor who are the people I have to treat nice Jesus question back to him is different his question is who proved to be the neighbour which one of these three guys ended up being neighborly it's a different question the man trying to justify his own actions in his own life was saying who do I have to be nice to Jesus is saying who was neighborly to someone even when they didn't deserve it that's a better question that's a totally different question all of a sudden Jesus is saying are you willing to lead with love even when an unknown relationship I think that is a marvelous principle for all of us when we find ourselves in a difficult situation with anybody can you continue to try to love them doesn't mean you be you know you you become milquetoast you don't have any boundaries it doesn't mean any of that and from a parenting standpoint but it just means do you continue to be persistent to lean into their life and try to build a relationship over time the other thing I want you to do is listen for love as we talked with people trying to implement the five love languages in their blended families one of the things that we discovered is that sometimes kids are saying I love you to a stepparent and the step parents just never picked up on it because of how the child is saying it one guy was telling me about he said yeah my stepsons love language is words of affirmation and but he would you know he never I would try to love him that way and I just never received it like it just felt like the wall was up and he said and I never really got anything back from him like he never complimented me or say anything nice or you know said thank you for stuff and I just felt like he didn't care and then he said I started thinking about all this stuff you guys have been talking about and all of a sudden I realized but I do hear my stepson telling other people he appreciates what I do for him I've heard him a number of times introduced me to his friends and say he helps me fix my truck he was there for me when so and so happy and he stood by my side he said he'll never say it to me but he'll say to others about me right why is that sometimes kids can't just quite bring themselves to have that direct communication with you because of a loyalty to another parent or some concern that they have whatever that is for them but they'll find a way to do to communicate some least some respect or some care sometimes you just got to listen in creative ways for the indirect rather than the direct learn to listen with your eyes do they do kind things for you your watch do they ever spend time with you your arms do they ever hug you or show some sort of physical connection your hands do they ever provide gifts do they ever do something kind for you try to listen with those avenues to what they're trying to say indirectly and you might discover that there's a little bit more there than you thought okay so here's what I want to do I want to give you a little time to just absorb some of the things that you have heard so there's a few questions I want you to just spend a few minutes doing at your tables just take a few minutes talk to the people at your table what jumped out at you and what you just heard and why what's the application for your specific situation what's happening well when you're parenting unity is strong in other words when you really feel connected as husband wife as parents that parent what's happening that's making that connection strong and what's happening when that connection is not so strong you can decide which one of those you want to share and then maybe you have some leading with love or some listening for love observations will give you a few minutes to work on that ready set go tell you about a couple of opportunities I mentioned family life does a weekend to remember marriage conference every year it's going to be in Atlanta May one through three at least we think it'll be in Atlanta May 1 three three we've got a rep here Chris over here in a blue shirt waved your hand if you want to know more about that event he's got brochures and I and I think there's a coupon and there's a little there's some information in there that you can get so check with him if you want to know more about the event or just go to Family Life dot-com the event that I was telling you about that's coming up for blended family couples it's called blended and blessed it's going to be Saturday April 25th live streamed from Houston but you can be anywhere in the world you get to stay home and be a part of this we are encouraging people to come together in small groups or in churches churches can host it just go to blended and blessed comm you can learn all about that event it's it's new every year and we have a podcast family life blended if you guys don't know about our podcast open your phone right now get get your app out open the app just go and search family life blended with Ron deal and you'll find it let me tell you I mean you're gonna be in traffic for an hour and a half and you might as well listen to something helpful we have done podcasts on feeling stuck between your spouse and your kids on overcoming betrayal in the past relationship or the present relationship on helping angry kids in stepfamilies custody battle situations childless stepmom if you're a childless stepmom there's some unique factors that go on around that step family finances growing up in a blended family what's that like about to blend we did a podcast for couples that are about to get married how do you prepare and move towards life together the holidays I've got a podcast coming up in a couple of months with Julie Slattery where we talked about sex and what's unique about sexuality in a second or third marriage situation bonus parenting with Steven arter Byrne and his wife misty that's another one that's coming up real soon if any of that is of interest to you check out the podcast we'd love to have you listen now I want to spend a little time talking about concepts related to kids and understanding kids that'll help you be a better parent so we need to talk about three things attachment loss and loyalty and the way we're gonna do this is you're gonna do a little table talk discussion as we just were if you open up in your handout there there's some directions about what we want you to do essentially we want you to brainstorm what it's like to be a kid jump in their shoes for a few minutes and just quickly as you can popcorn around your table and come up with as many fears stressors concerns what are the things that you think are going on inside the heart and mind of a child that they have to cope with all right and just share that as quickly as you can at your table by the way I see some folks that are just by themselves go join a table beat with some others the first thing I want you to do as a group though as you get started here's your first assignment pick a recorder somebody at your table whose job it is to write everything down so you can capture that and share it with the rest of us here in a few minutes a very important role got it pick a recorder and then brainstorm as fast you can ready set go real quick I'm gonna let you continue your assignment in just a minute but let me ask you to do something turn your notes over to the back page some of you in the very back page in the lower right corner have a little smiley face everybody with a smiley face on your handout come to this side of the room and meet me over here in the corner right now everybody else keep going with your assignment let me ask you to just push pause on your discussion right where you're at and let me just say something to those that may be watching on video at some point what you may not have realized just happened as they were working in groups and at one point we pulled people out of each group and I took them off to the side and I asked them to go to a different group my guess is you guys have a great list in front of you of fear stressors and concerns that kids in step families experience but I don't really care what I do care about is those of you that got moved from one group to another we want you to teach us what it feels like to get moved you just stepped into the shoes of children in a very real way in your group dynamic experienced attachment loss and loyalty we got two microphones one right over here and one right over here I want to all the I want all the kids can't do everybody but if you got something to say about what your experience was getting pulled out of your group and moving to a new group if you'd be willing to just share a little bit of what that was like run up to a microphone just start going up to the mics and we want to hear from you what you what you felt what you heard what you thought what you experienced there's a mic Bobeck go ahead yep yes I was slightly jaded because I know the person that I joined the group of and I got no they got into my group you got no stepfather oh my goodness I'm so sorry to hear that so did they did they welcome you or no no all right how did that feel big big fat lip right there yeah it was good what did you do did you do something to try to fit in did you just sit back at that point and go man they don't want me here I'm not gonna even try okay good thanks for sharing somebody else yes so at first when you asked I was like oh gosh no it was fine we met new friends and then I was thinking my first concern was but I didn't bring my things okay you don't have your stuff heard that and that's a comfort thing right to have your things don't have don't have my things it's an inconvenience for you and it's a little unsettling excellent good thanks for sharing yeah next up rooted like we had just established a rapport yeah and then now I'm over here now I gotta start all over again yeah so I'm like who are these people exactly okay let me listen and figure out okay so stay right there for a second so this gentleman is helping us understand insiders and outsiders as did the first woman who talked over here at your group where you've kind of established some coherency and a little bit of relationship and you've got a rhythm going in your assignment and you're an insider with those people and then you get uprooted and you move to another group where you're the outsider like you don't know where you fit you don't know where you belong you don't know what your role is you're not sure what your function is right this happens with kids on a regular basis it's what happens this is the outsider stepparent thing trying to find your way and where do I fit how do I move into this space do they want me here do they not want me I'm kind of laying back sometimes kids who are huge extroverted large and in charge children in one home are very remote and distant in another home because it's a totally different dynamic for them some kids are the firstborn in one home and they're a middle or a last in the other home that calls for different roles from them they go into what we call the birth order blender every other weekend and six weeks in the summer and they have to make adjustments and there's a pecking order that has to be worked out with all their other siblings right that's something that they're managing on an ongoing basis as I recall we were over here I asked everybody to go to a different group by the way for those of you that we're not called over to the side I didn't explain to them what was going on I just said don't ask any questions go to a different group he asked a question can I go back and get my wife and I said no no and the look on your face was like I am in so much trouble right now how did that feel to not you couldn't go back and get her and go and have her be with you what was that like for you it was about myself yeah you were all alone yeah I was trying to figure out how to do it by myself yeah yeah think about kids right they move from one place to the next and sometimes they have somebody with them and sometimes they're stepping into a different place where they're alone or they feel alone they're not really alone but they feel alone right just because something's changed for them thank you very much I appreciate you go back to your second group don't go back to your wife now yes sir over here I was lucky and my wife got a smiley face too so he went together so you went together and had a partner but we left a nice little small table when it joined a bigger table and then we looked back and saw that our smaller tables by themselves too so we're joined a bigger discussion and a bigger group and we fit in and then we noticed that our smaller table didn't have uh huh that connection so do you feel kind of guilty about that a little bit yeah you were worried about her we were they're kind of pathetic without you it's way I hear you saying yeah we were the facilitators yeah you were the facilitator so you were like we took all of the reporting and the recording and yeah we took everything with us right over there you know what we're gonna hear from somebody in that group in just a minute but I'm curious what was your experience as the recorder the person who has got a task and you're responsible for that and then you go to a bigger group did they already have a reporter they did they had a reporter and they had some different ideas that we had things we didn't think about so what did you do what did you do with your role I thought I had a job what did you do with that we just read off of ours uh-huh blended them together yeah did you try to figure out who the real reporter was gonna be at this point no yeah good because that would have been a battle battle of will thank you very much for sharing yeah yes sir my introvert instantly kicked in yeah I was forcing you to move into territory you're not comfortable with actually and then I moved into the place well I guess I have to I went back to my wife and I wanted to tell her look you need to take this because I don't want to go and did you know you found your courage so you found a new group good for you okay I appreciate this so much that transparency think about it some kids are just introverted they're they're not adventure seekers they're not interested in making new friends they've got one friend in the world and you ain't it they don't need another friend kids are those flaming extroverts that have never met a stranger right they love adventure and excitement new house cool let's have some fun right and their personality just lends them the ability to make those adjustments on the fly and it's just easy for them and then there's that other sibling right next to them that really struggles and has a hard time thank you you can have a seat yes ma'am it was interesting at first I thought I didn't have anything to say and then I actually verbalize to them I said I don't even really know what I'm doing here so a little bit confused and that's the point and then also in the back of my mind the only thing that I was thinking was I wonder what my good friends thank you right now because he doesn't know what I'm doing imagine anybody here ever experienced anything on any unwanted change like in the last week school closing you know I don't have a job do I get on that plane do I not go to this event in Atlanta that was my day right like unwanted change forced upon you by other people and you're confused about what it means for you you don't know your role you have to pay the price if you will of other people's by the way Who am I in this whole little scenario this little game I'm the judge who lowered the mallet and told kids where to go and win and what they have to do and she's confused by that of course she is and she's split in two listen to that part of me is here trying to figure out life part of Me's where my boyfriend is and I'm wondering how he's doing right so she's not all here you ever been talking to a kid you felt like you didn't have all of them because part of them is still somewhere else of course it is they're worried about those people they're mindful of those people they care about those people too and imagine if well I'm getting ahead of myself we'll come back to that in just a second yes sir I will say luckily my wife and I both got the smiley sticker so we both got to do this together now I will tell you that we knew what was going on because we were fortunate enough years ago to go to your blended family retreat at Penn College and I want you to know that that changed the trajectory of our marriage well for the better and we had the exercise when we do it outside so we knew exactly what was going on yeah and we got to explain to the new table that we were you kind of helped him out a little bit help them out a little bit but I do want you to know that the trajectory of our marriage changed after we what I love about him as he was informed he got step family smart and he helped the new table out right he had as he had goods and we do that when we have a little bit of wisdom right it makes a big difference yes I have to say so what I did is I was looking for somebody who I felt like maybe they'd accept me maybe they will welcome me in their group yeah who first will reach out to me and help me feel kind yes absolutely you're looking for that one person to bring you in from being an outsider into becoming an insider because nobody likes to stay an outsider I want to hear from somebody in a group people were taken from your group or were brought to your group what was your experience right run to the microphones let's get some feedback from folks if you would taken from your group or brought to your group what was your group experience or what was your experience about somebody showing up or somebody having to leave somebody thank you we got some courage go right ahead I guess yeah it's starting all over right right what's your name what's your story exactly are you I don't know you can feel welcome cuz I felt they were kind of awkward coming in when we already had a bond she started knocking on the door she's got a new neighbor right she's got to figure out how to build this relationship with this person on the other side she doesn't even know all of a sudden it gets really real yeah good what else anything else did they respond do they talk then told their story what their situation yeah now I'm noticing kind of lost oh now notice while you were trying to get to know that person you were not doing the task you kind of lost momentum towards the purpose that you were tasked with and now we have to divert over here and spend time it does draw you away from the journey of life a little bit to pull back and begin to build new relationships it takes some work you already kind of had it going for many years of years thank you thank you very much yes sir so I'm one of those crazy extroverts that's never met a stranger so I immediately tried to make Debbie feel welcome and how can I get her into the group and a simulator as fast as possible and get her into the conversation and all that stuff so that's kind of what I was trying to do and so you're good at that right you get the skills you get the gifting you're an extrovert and so you reach out and you try to help her feel apart that's a great gift those kids and those parents and those people are very valuable to outsiders thank you very much yes sir sorry our experience was first of all Charles is like one of the least introverted people we've ever met okay announced himself being an introvert we're like wait that's not the guy we met and then the fact that he has ten kids we immediately deferred to his wisdom we would have we wanted to hear what he had to say that's good so all of a sudden there's a dynamic shift think about it they had something going on in their group and now we've got a new member who brings something to the table and all of a sudden we're kind of oriented around that person absolutely for a little bit of time that sort of dynamics happening sometimes in some scenarios yeah we got one more behind you thank you yeah I think for us we were like somebody came from the outside took things away from us that we were comfortable with we liked these people something out of our control was changed absolutely and you know we liked the people that came to our table but but still something was something was something was here big but in there I heard a big but coming I did I did yeah I like big butts and I cannot lie that's right you can't [Applause] unwanted change somebody was taken from my group a parent died a marriage died and therefore my family died I didn't ask for this they didn't want this by the way new people come to the table eventually so the loss from the past brought something nice in the future but still that's something nice it's a reminder of what we lost you can't have the sweet without the bitter it always has two sides to it and it changes stuff we didn't ask for any of it let's do part two of this little experiment have a little fun with this everybody who got moved from one group to another you now have to decide which group you prefer to stay with and you can either stay in group two or you can go back to group one it's up to you ready set go [Music] [Music] all right well that was interesting all right let me have your attention I have three boys that's the only way I could ever get him to come I learned how to whistle yeah so why did everybody kind of erupt and laughter when I said choose do it custody arrangement exactly right I mean you know there's this nervous energy in the room because you're all laughing oh ha ha you have to choose and I would hate to be you because immediately you know you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings how many of you went back to your original group raise your hand put your hands down anybody not go back to the original group you got one or two that's interesting let's hope your spouse is not waiting on you just saying okay for those either went back to your original group how many of you left group two with some sort of an apology either you said sorry don't take it personal or or with your eyes you were killing don't ya why do you apologize I I saw one person think somebody left your group and went back to group one and I saw her go good riddance go we don't want something like this why would you apologize to those people in group two you don't want to hurt their feelings why do you why do you care if you hurt their feelings they're people but you're not going home with them tonight so what's the difference the point is even in friendly environments nobody wants to create loss for other people and when you feel the loyalty bind of I have to choose I have to prefer I have to extend and say I like these more than I like those I don't want to do that I like everybody I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings and we'd do that even with people you don't love imagine kids on an ongoing basis attachment you just experienced all three of these things attachment is that connectedness I feel like I belong I'm an insider with this group now I'm an outsider I don't feel attached I don't know where I belong I don't know what my place is I don't know what I what to do with this I feel confusion loss there's change unwanted change we've already had bunch of unwanted changed we just had another unwanted change what do I do with this loyalty I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings on a regular basis kids are processing these things all the time they are thinking about them even as adults they don't want you to ask them to make choices when you say you can imagine a parent saying to a child now you like my cake better than the cake they make over there right that's a loyalty request love us show your preference for us over them now that's pretty obvious but also is a loyalty request when you do things that are much more subtle but still send the message of prefer us over them I know you went fishing but yeah he's not very good is he you hear the message you didn't enjoy him did you cuz we are still employee I'm still most important in your heart right so when you do that you force a child into choosing and they hate it and they often go dim withdraw go inside themselves try to figure out a way not to choose this is also why and by the way kids make up the loyalty conflict like even if you're not overtly asking them to choose they have this embedded sense of I don't want to hurt somebody's feelings which is why you can't believe everything they tell you about the other home because it always runs through a filter of how you're going to hear it it's like the five-year-old who said to a stepmom one day true story hey when I'm here with you at dads house can I love you and when I go to my mom's house can I hate you see the kid gets it he understands at the age of five he understands there's a game going on a fight between the adults in my world and so I'm going to love you while I'm here because I love you that's genuine and authentic but I'm gonna skew that when my mom's around so she doesn't ever really believe would come to believe that I love you so I'm gonna hate you when I'm around her is that okay with you he was just so innocent he didn't know you're not supposed to actually say these things out loud but that is the bind in action when you on the other hand as an adult say have a good time this weekend you've just released them out of the tug-of-war and all of a sudden they can be a kid not an adult taking care of another adult that can be a kid and they can go and have a good time at the other home it's so important a stepmom who on Mother's Day says you're with us this weekend I'm so glad you're gonna be with us but if I were you I'd really be upset I'd rather be with my mom if I were you and I totally get it but I want to try to do everything I can can we arrange a time to FaceTime with her can I help you get a card can I make sure when you step into their loss and identify with it and bring it up to the surface and say your loss and your feelings about your mom are good and right and holy and I'm in support of those things you make a lot of positive statements you say to the child number one you don't have to take care of me by you know by pretending as if you're not sad you don't have to take care of me in this moment you get to just be a kid I'm taking care of you you also say I'm not competing with your relationship with your mother your relationship with your mom is good and I'm gonna support that and I'm not in competition with it which makes you respectable and the irony is when you enter into that attachment loss and loyalty place with a kid and actually on the other side of it makes you somebody more attractive because you show yourself to be an adult who cares for themselves not needing a child to do the caretaking for them respecting these spaces within children is helpful when it comes time to be parental it also is helpful as you make transitions let me show you something up here on the screen here it comes so let's just do a little case study here so here's a biological mother Angela and her kids right and they are insiders that came into this new marriage as insiders they have history and they've been through the fox hole of life together and she's their mom for crying out loud and they're her kids that's it's pretty evident now here's stepdad right he's an outsider and one of the things they've got going on is they've got this rich tradition this mother-child relationship has a rich tradition in the book we tell the story about Angela she and her kids had a nightly ritual through the single-parent years she would go into their bedroom and they would lay down on the bed and they would talk about the day and it was connecting sometimes they were playing the games but they were often just surviving life together and it was a very significant time for all of them through the hard after she marries Anthony then they continued the ritual by the way I should back up and say the ritual was long and well developed like it was at least 30 minutes every night she laid in bed and stared at the ceiling and talked with her kids and often it was an hour and a half so Anthony as you can imagine is happy and loves that they have such a great close relationship but at the same time he's kind of looking for a little couple time at the end of the night so he starts saying to his wife when he gonna give me some time and all of a sudden she begins to feel what anxious about oh no do I have to choose between my kids and my husband she feels a little guilty because she's not given him as much time but she also feels torn between her kids and what they need and she's getting a little irritated you know that he's making all these requests by the way he's he's a you know at work he is a quality control person and so he knows a lot about efficiency so he started coaching his wife on how she could be more efficient with the nightly ritual time the message being embedded in that please be with me not your kids quite so long which just made her kind of hold on to her kids a little bit tighter the kids are picking up on this they're feeling a little insecure and confused and they're a little angry at their stepdad what a stepdad feeling boy am i left out I am frustrated like I don't know how to break in I don't know how to get what time with my wife I don't know this just feels to me like they're tight and I'm kind of on the outside and he's a little jealous of his step kids as a result of all that now well here's what I want you to notice on the inside of the triangle this mother-child relationship is in effect competing with their marriage the attachment she has with her kids is good and holy and right and she needs to continue that never break that off and at the same time the marriage is good and right and holy and that's a new relationship they need to strengthen that right but now those two relationships are competing with one another now watch this when that competition is on it sabotages his relationship with the stepchildren it gets in the way all of a sudden they're the ones who are getting what I want to get they've got their mother I don't and they're looking at him and they're going he's trying to take mom from us it's a really common dynamic as a matter of fact it could happen in other relationships as well it could be step-grandmother so here's mom and her kids and that's tight and established and step-grandmother is an outsider she's trying to find her way in and she kind of feels like she's left on the outside it could be step-siblings that feel like they get left out on the outside it could be the bio dad who's in the other home and he has a relationship with his kids and he feels like the stepdads trying to get in the way with that you have a lot of interlocking triangles that are all making it challenging for the marriage to come through on top because parenting flows out of marriage so what do we do well one of the things we want to try to do is first of all I want you to nurture that marriage relationship like that has to be something you're really deeply committed to partner you got to be committed to that and so Anthony and his wife Angela started having conversations all right all right this ritual is good the rituals gonna stay but how do we modify this how do we work with this what are some things we can do and stepdad had to do a lot of listening he wasn't just able to just say honey you got to stop no he needed to do a lot of listening to hear mom's heart and understand what that meant to her and her concerns for her kids and they needed and then she also needed to listen to her husband and figure out you know what but he's right I need to figure out some space in my life and my schedule for him because that's an important relationship as well so they do a lot of conversation to make sure they're protecting their marriage now here's what's interesting the second thing that they're going to do is she's going to continue this relationship but in the form of reassurance towards her kids when she spends 30 minutes with them in the ritual at night she is reassuring them mom is still here for you the presence of my new husband has does not mean you've completely lost me to him but mom has to begin to change the rituals so that it's not an hour and a half now notice the couple had conversation around what the ritual is going to look like moving forward but mom's the one who has to make the change with her kids why is that because the weakest relationship in this whole scenario is that stepdad stepchild relation that's the weakest one mom is the one who has a relationship with identity and strength and history in her relationship with her kids she's the one who can make the change she's the one who could say to the kids all right kids it's time for me to go mom to stay a little bit longer nope we're gonna I'm gonna go out and spend a little time with Anthony you never did that before you're right I didn't I wasn't married before I am now I realized this is a little difficult give me a hug I'll see you in the morning good night mom's the one who's got to do that cuz here's the reason she's gonna reassure her kids even while she's trying to nurture her marriage those really are happening simultaneously here's what I want you to get about children attachment loss and loyalty they need to go through their relationship with their mom to get to their stepdad they're their stability in life is tied to mom so they do need reassurance that she is still here and at the same time she's the one who's setting boundaries on the relationship with them because at that point they still have her that allows them to in their heart begin to incorporate the step parent in their scenario by the way everything we're talking about we're saying mom and stepdad it could be dad and stepmom right would just just interchange those kids need to go through that attachment with mom to get to that relationship with stepdad that then he's pursuing them at a pace they can receive knocking on the door if they open he walks through if a child says and then he just tries to find what he can and slowly but surely he's hoping over time that's going to begin to make a difference there's a whole lot of stuff going on navigating to that takes a lot of work and effort but you can begin to see how that we're pulling the pieces together rather than letting them push one another apart now it's bonus bonus bonus when stepdad can say to his stepchildren their relationship with their biological dad is good and right and holy and I'm encouraging of that and I'm I speak well of their dad in front of them and I try to support their relationship with him why because we don't want them holding on to him and him trying to block the stepdads relationship with the kids when you give a blessing instead of a curse it works in your favor it's a double bonus when bio dad says to his children it's okay with me if you get along with your stepdad now some of you just went like yeah right that's gonna ever happen because you have difficult xfiles co-parenting relationships which leads me to a little conversation that we need to have talking about toxic toxic former spouse relationships let's talk about that for just a minute what do you do if a former spouse in the other home is difficult and toxic and maybe they're poisoning the kids against what's happening in your home or maybe they're living a life that is very different than the values that you're living let's talk around that for just a minute I think there's a lot romans 12 has a lot to say about this whole thing let me just give you the context real quick romans 12 chapter 2 Paul says don't be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind he then goes on and tells them some ways to be transformed verse 3 he says don't hate think highly of yourself put away pride in verse 9 he says let love be genuine and then he turns a corner and he starts to talk about how you can be transformed as it relates to dealing with difficult people verse 14 let me read bless those who persecute you bless and do not curse them stop the press are you kidding me come on really that's difficult under any circumstance rise above he continues rejoice with those who rejoice weep with those who weep live in harmony with one another do not be haughty that's again pride be it but associate with the lowly never be wise in your own sight repay evil repay no one evil for evil but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all if possible as far as it depends on you live peaceably with your former spouse with your wife's former spouse look at verse 19 beloved never avenge yourselves but leave it to the wrath of God for it is written vengeance is mine I will repay says the Lord in other words we leave the we leave that up to who we leave that us stuff up to God we leave the judgment stuff up to God we let pay back up to God we let God be the one who determines that and deals with that in his time and in his way that's not my job to the contrary verse 20 if your enemy is hungry feed him if he's thirsty give him a drink that is so paradoxical how do where does that work it's counterintuitive for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head that's an interesting little phrase heap burning coals on his head it was a phrase that essentially captured the ideas you can make something really really hard even hard metal you can soften it with something warm or hot you can warm up or soften a hard heart by just overwhelming them with good do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good leave judgment and revenge up to God repay evil with good as much as it's up to you do what you can to try to live peaceably with people your power is in overcoming evil with good a lot of times you just feel so powerless where the former spouse who just creates havoc in your world and in your life and they can all they got to do is pick up the phone right it's true and so what do you do with that well you try to do everything you can to try to be Jesus in that moment does that mean you begin you become easily overrun and overwhelmed and you pay for everything no right you can still have boundaries you can still say in a polite way I'm sorry we're not gonna do that you can still be a person and stand up for your home but do so in a way that's honorable and respectful and at least decent does that mean that they will all of a sudden be decent no it doesn't mean that at all some people stay hard-hearted but some people are eventually overwhelmed by that goodness and it can change some hearts I mean let me let me coach you with a thing we've taught for years called the no threat message I think this is very helpful so let's just make a scenario let's say the the biological mother and the other home and you're the stepmom and they is she is saying things about you that's just really poisoning your relationship with your stepchildren one of the things that you can say to the biological mother and I'll let you decide how you do this whether it's in person that's entirely up to you that's very personal and so that may be risky but it might be through a text or a message or an email or something that's impersonal you decide but the message is essentially this look I know that you're the mom and I'm not the mom and I want you to know that I'm gonna support you in front of your kids I'm gonna do everything I can I'm gonna speak well of you in front of your kids if something's not right we forgot to bring the math book you let me know I'm gonna make it right I will never speak ill of you in front of your children you're the mom I'm not the mom I'm never gonna try to take your place I'm just honored to be able to try to offer a little blessing to your children thank you for your time have a nice day the whole point of that message no threat message is I'm not a threat to you in your relationship with your kids now bio mom may not believe it she may say yeah right I know what you're all about she may cross her arms she may have a posture against you that is hard and unyielding it is what it is but at least you begin to live out and show her through your life and practice repaying evil with good that you mean it that can overwhelm some people how long I don't know everybody's a little different but Paul tells us here this is your power you're not powerless against that purse your power is repaying evil with good I got a picture one day and in an email and it would say it was that very scenario is a stepmother and the picture had the woman holding a baby and she was standing by another woman I didn't know who that was until I read the email she said my husband's former wife and I used to be at war she did everything to try to sabotage Who I was in the lives of her kids and I heard you talk about the no threat message she said I couldn't even say it to her I knew she would not even hear it from me even if I sent it in a text or something so I just kept saying it to her kids when they were in her house I kept saying things like I just really appreciate your mom she's a great lady she said I wanted to treat her as if she wasn't as if I was not a threat to her and I hope that her kids would kind of take that back to her that somehow they would share those stories and somehow it would make a difference in who she was she said it's now been four years and this picture is me holding her new baby this is my husband's ex-wife standing next to me I'm holding her baby she trusts me and we get along well enough at this point in in in our life together that I'm holding her baby and we are friendly when she drops off or when we pick up she said I just want you to know it works it pays off I have no idea for to work in every situation even Paul in this text says some overcome others it doesn't say all get overcome at which case I'm so sorry if that's your scenario and for those of you that find yourself in a situation let's look at the spiritual values when those are different what do you do if the values are different in the other home I think there's some things you can do and there's some things that you can't do again your power is in your influence and so you do what Deuteronomy 6 says and you put the commands on your heart you live the godly life you demonstrate that for your kids you show them that it's real for you that's the first place that it always starts you can in Kokee them with truth teach talk about God spend time and the word doing activities sharing with them why you believe what you believe nope this is the reason we don't go see that movie and let me tell you why because we're trying to fill our minds with good things we're trying to treat form our minds as Paul says in Romans chapter 12 verse 2 and so we're not gonna fill our minds with that and that's why we've decided that no you can't see that movie and we're not gonna go see it either and you walk that stuff out you're also gonna inoculate all of us have to inoculate the world against our kids in some form or fashion they grow up and if you haven't had teenagers yet and they go into the world and the world has tremendous influence on their life in the form of peers and friends and the activities that they're involved in and they're gonna be exposed to things that we're not comfortable with and so what do we do at home we try to teach and we try to inoculate that we try to talk about you know some people in the world think some people believe this this is something that you will find in your in your friendships with others at school here's how I would encourage you to think about that here's what God's word has to say about that Jesus did this on the Sermon on the Mount you have heard that it was said there's the world's point of view but I say to you here's what the truth that I want you to hang on to it when you enter into that world now for some kids the other the world is their other home and you know when they go to Dad's house there are gonna be able to watch those r-rated movies and they are gonna be exposed to stuff and it's going to just kill your heart because it's such a contrast from what you want to teach them the hard part in the delicate part here is saying to them look I realize then the other home will let you do X Y or Z and we don't and I know that that's really difficult for you and I'm wondering how you're going to hang on to truth when you're over there now I want to point out something this is asking your child to choose the hidden message in what I just said was our truth is a better way to life and we hope that you'll hold on to that and carry it with you to the other home you have to decide when and how you make that overt I think a dialogue and questions and tell me what are you gonna do when this comes up for you next time let me see if we can help you have a plan to help you implement while you're over there in that other home I think those are helpful conversations to have you got to draw some line somewhere about how often and how and if it sounds like you're beating down the dad and the other like you got to walk that delicate tightrope and it's not easy but you are trying to help prepare your kids to do life I think you can have an expectation hey look we don't let you watch that here I don't want you watching it over there I think you can teach that and you can have some expectation of that but you also need to know that that's a really really tough thing because if dad's watching and everybody else is watching it's really hard for a child to turn away from that and that leads me to the last point is that sometimes kids have to try on the values of the other home in order to just see and feel and taste and and you won't feel good about it and sometimes they prodigal pretty far and you never stop pursuing you never stop talking and teaching and you you continue to live the life I have this belief that not everybody comes full circle as soon as we want them to but I do believe very strongly that grace wins and if that's your situation and it is a really really hard one never stop pursuing don't make guilt trips out of it but continue to try to do everything you can to equip them for doing life okay I just threw a lot of stuff at you we just talked about attachment loss of loyalty and parenting and there were implications for all of that so I just want you to take a minute and turn maybe this is a couple time conversation maybe this is a table conversation I'll let you decide how you want to do that but maybe you just turn to the person you came here with tonight and just have a little one-on-one what did you just hear what did I just hear what are the implications for us and our family in life give you a few minutes ready set go hope this is a beginning of a journey for you that you'll just continue to continue to try to be step family smart which means read study watch talk with other people if you enjoyed anything in the small group discussion time if you found any value with other people going yeah that's exactly what it's like for me then you know this church has a ministry and small groups are available in different places around this city and I would encourage you to make that happen and some people you just need to start at yourself fight two couples over and sit in your living room and talk you can write a book and discuss it and you can find ways of doing that don't walk this journey all on your own I'll share a couple of resources with you in a minute but I did get a few questions before we started tonight and there are a couple about former spouses and difficult situations in particular so I feel the need to just kind of address a couple of these how would you handle this situation where an ex-spouse is teaching the children to lie or to do something that is inappropriate well there's two parts to that right first of all your child just because you're pretty convinced obviously it's coming from the other home the other homes kind of putting them up to that or encouraging that they don't get a pass if a friend at school told your kid to lie to you you wouldn't care who told him to do it right they don't get a pass so there's a consequence for them lying to you you deal with your kid the way you need to deal with your kids set boundaries for that and have a consequence for that the other part of this is talking to the other home now we all know if they were nice you might still be married right if you're a cooperative colleague those of you that rated yourselves as cooperative colleagues with the other homes you can actually have a phone call hey just wanted you to know Johnny came over got a whopper gone you know let me tell you about the lie he told and what happened at school today and he got true and the other hom ago oh cheese okay I'm with you on this I'm gonna clam down you clammed and you can actually have that decent conversation about co-parenting others in this room you just went yeah right that's never gonna happen and if I say anything to the other home they're just gonna fire back and it's gonna be another war right it probably will but it still shouldn't stop you from saying something to just say look I know this is happening please don't do that here's an interesting little response and this is in the book the smarts step family by the way in the middle of the co-parenting chapter I know you talking to the former spouse I know you would never try to hurt our children but when you teach them to lie you're putting them between us you're asking them to choose that puts them in a middle of a loyalty bind and that is a deep psychological wound for a child you are hurting our child please don't do that any more now my guess is that falls flat they just go and they don't care what you said but maybe just maybe that just sticks in the back of their head a little bit and make some think twice might be worth it a related question that somebody had is how do you handle situation where next bounce talks poorly about your household and what's going on in terms of the relationship set then again is another situation where I know you would never intentionally put our child in between us to do something that's harmful or hard for them but this does do that please stop I would appreciate it we won't do that toward you we would appreciate it if you wouldn't do that toward us if it's something that is malicious if it's something that is harmful then that rises to a level of do I need to consult with an attorney do we need to do something about this in courts and that leads to court battles and that is always a really delicate situation I always encourage people to think long and hard for a long before you make that decision because once you go to court things generally get worse before they ever get better but that sometime is exactly what you got to do right and it so don't be afraid of taking action and don't be afraid of standing up for what's decent just do so in a way and here's the odd part in a way that's gentle love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self be to one of the fruit of the Spirit is a very powerful way when you set a boundary when you say no and you say please don't do that if you do it with gentleness it makes it far more likely that maybe they receive the message if you do it in anger then they can just say ah you're just angry and they can discount the message you do it with gentleness and all of a sudden maybe something sticks we're working hard to try to help churches we do a summit on step family ministry every year we're gonna be in Chicago if you're interested in learning more about stepfamilies we'd love to have you join us we put out three new books in the last six months in their shoes is all about understanding what it's like to be a kid after your parents divorce and now one of them has married again and you now have a stepparent the financial guide book that I wrote within a financial planner and an estate attorney we pooled all our clicked it sounds like the beginning of a really bad joke a therapist and a financial planner in a state attorney walk into a bar that's what we produced right there's that book building left together is the new one it's just out and we're really excited about what all that does and we've added that then to the whole bank of resources don't ever let anybody tell you there's nothing out there for Christian stuff families that's not true there's a whole lot out there and there's podcasts and there's the live stream event coming up blending a blessed Saturday April 25th would love to have you keep learning keep being step family smart and bring somebody along with you this is where I live family life blended come see us all right we're gonna have a word of Prayer as we close thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to be with you again [Applause]

Channel: North Point Care

Views: 1,069

Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords: care network, north point community church, woodstock church, buckhead church, Gwinnett church, decatur city church, brownsbridge church, help, struggling, challenges, pain, relationships, transition, change, ministry resources, resources, training, counseling

Id: Jq2nBkPFWJ8

Length: 80min 55sec (4855 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 04 2020