If A Man DEEPLY LOVES YOU, He Will DO THESE 3 Things! | Stephan Speaks & Lewis Howes

in order for it to be safe it means you are not deeply invested you may be invested it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep but it's not as deep as you know you can go I think you gotta have a dream the school of greatness yeah please welcome we were just talking about uh sex we were talking about uh that women have been told that there have no hope after 30 and we were talking about you know and I was also going to ask you about the biggest reasons why people um fail in relationships and I'm curious before we get to the sex and the the hope for women after 30 in relationships why do you think or what are the three biggest reasons why people fail in a relationship well they end up getting divorced end up getting separated breaking up why do you think the what are those three things that cause that all right so number one lack of healing lack of healing because lack of healing probably leads them to choosing the wrong person to begin with which is the foundation for disaster because at that point there's no everything else I'm about to mention you can't really work it out with this person because you're just not in alignment with them it's not a good fit and so a lot of people are trying to make things work with someone they just they just can't match up with properly you know is that trauma bonding or what is that how does that play in A Part some of it is trauma bonding some of it is individual so what's happening is this this phenomena if you want to call it that people are choosing individuals that are quote unquote good enough to be with but they don't really make them feel deeply about them because if I'm a man or a woman and I've been hurt before and I've been hurt when I let my heart out completely I fear being that vulnerable so now you don't really ever learn how to not feel deeply about someone if they're just that person but people learn who I can deal with and not fall deeply for so okay I can be with this person and maintain emotional control they don't take me there so I don't ever feel like I'm too vulnerable in this situation do you think a lot of women choose the safe guy as opposed to the right guy absolutely and the same choice is almost always if not always the wrong choice oh man why why is a safe choice always the wrong choice for a woman so think about it in order for it to be safe it means you are not deeply invested you may be invested it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep but it's not as deep as you know you can go it's not as deep into where you feel like you'll be devastated by it so you're starting from a deficit as far as I'm not fully into this I'm not fully into this guy but again he may be good enough for me to work with and try to be with but because you already have a built-in void so what happens is this she chooses this man she's not really into him let's say she's not that attracted to him and it's not that he's not a good looking guy she's just not attracted to him that like that well because you don't have that attraction you're not going to pour into him at the same level that he needs you to you won't be as intimate with him you may not talk to him the way that he wants to be talked to you're not going to give him the same energy that you would someone you're actually very much attracted to well that void initially he may not catch on to that or let that bother him because if he is indeed a man who is of a lower position than her or lower quality than her he may just be happy to have this woman oh my gosh I can't believe I have her so he's infatuated he's going in he's blinded by his desires for her but at some point the Smoke Clears and then he realizes wait a minute okay I have her but I'm not being treated the way I want to be treated I'm getting walked all over exactly yes I don't get the respect that I deserve here and here's what's crazy when that woman dates that man who she's not really into like that and let's just say she she dates down well she just raised his stock to every other woman that's watching this they're looking in this saying how did he get her so power something now these women want to find out do you think women really think that way when they see a guy who maybe is hell yeah of you know hypothetical less quality or seeming less quality than the woman that they're with that they start to be more attracted to that guy yes and even even if it's not of a lower quality if as a man you are seen with an attractive woman a high quality woman a desirable woman you become more desirable to other women I've I've talked to friends where they've even gone to clubs they'll go there with a woman and they'll get more attention wow and when that woman walks away some of these women will try to slide in and slip in a number here and there why do women do this why it seems like women don't have ethics have integrity as a close your eyes saying hey I appreciate and I'm happy for you too why is it that some women yes want to get in there and try to quote unquote steal the man or influence the man to stray well so it starts with the fact that women have this perception that quality men are they're not in abundance oh yes yes they're very scarce so when you come across one or you think you come across one a lot of them have the mentality of oh no I had to try to get my foot in the door and see if I can get this for myself if they thought it was abundant out there then they'd be less pressed to do that but what happens if a guy okay leaves the person he's with for you is that woman then going to be confident that he wouldn't do it again it depends I think there are some women who convince themselves like there's plenty of women who have taken a man from a woman or who have accepted that man leaving one woman for her and to her she's good as long as she's getting what she needs she's good but I do think that in the back of their head once something starts to go wrong that's when those thoughts start to creep in I wonder if he's talking to someone else why isn't he giving me the attention anymore exactly and now and and I think it's even more likely that someone who knows about the situation will remind her well you got him this way so you might lose them the same and now the insecurities really start to kick in and it starts to become a huge problem you talked about his attraction and it started to get you off track if you talked about attraction what do you think is more important sexual attraction or spiritual attraction for a woman I'm I'm gonna say spiritual attraction more than sexual but I'm saying that with hesitancy all right you're pausing I'm not a hundred percent the only reason why I'm leaning towards spiritual is because I believe that women value intimacy non-sexual intimacy way more than actual just raw sex okay so if you had door number one hugs kisses caresses you know being emotionally available door number two just straight sex women are choosing most women are choosing door number one most men are choosing door number two and so because of that value for the the deeper levels of intimacy I feel like uh spiritual attraction kind of fortifies that whereas sexual attraction may not get them those things so that's why I would pick spiritual attraction what would you say for any guy listening or watching if they wanted to attract the woman of their dreams or essentially any woman that they really desired if they wanted to attract that who would they need to become in order to set themselves up to attract an incredible lifelong loving partner who gave them a fulfilling joyful life um I would say they would have to become their most confident masculine self whatever that looks like it's gonna look different for every guy but at the foundation of it there must be confidence in who he is and he must exude that masculine energy not saying there aren't men who can't get them a loving partner not being the most masculine dude but you have a better chance at achieving it when you can walk in your masculine energy that's the power of the man what if there's a man who is extremely masculine but lacks confidence what type of partner does he attract typically well I think lacking confidence it undermines the masculine energy it's hard to be that masculine presence if you are lacking in self-esteem lacking in self-respect uh the things you're going to allow a woman to get away with is going to start to lose constant to lose attraction for you so it's almost like if you become her yes man a lot of women don't want a yes but most women don't want to yes ma'am it might sound good to some initially but over time she gets tired of the fact that you can't think for yourself that you you aren't giving your own perspective that you aren't confident enough to stand in your own vision and your plan so that immediately takes you out of your masculine energy because now you're trying to become so accommodating to the point that you've lost yourself in that process and that doesn't work well in the long term I mean think whenever you hear stories of nice guys being run over and getting played it usually involves this man who is just trying to do everything the woman wants and just putting all his desires to decide to make her happy that doesn't work not like that it doesn't that's kind of like the safe man right yes so the safe man is not always the right man is what I think I heard you say right but doesn't a woman want to feel safe in an environment with their man yes but the safety so the safety that's being achieved by picking the safe choice is I don't have to be too vulnerable in this relationship so I'm able to guard myself from devastating hurt and disappointment that I've probably experienced at least once before at least at a level that I felt like I don't ever want to go there again that's very different than the man who she is completely invested in completely in love with and he understands the need to provide Safety and Security for her the need to make the situation the relationship more stable for her where she can rest in her feminine energy so to speak while she's with him that's two different types of safety so it's like okay if you choose a safe man but essentially it sounds like that's a space where you don't have to fully open up and be vulnerable it's a space where you probably know you're in control where you're probably have more value to offer or this person is Desiring you way more than you desire them and that that's the big one it's a situation where she feels like he wants me or he loves me more than I do him and that's what they feel like it is safe but again it doesn't work in the long run never yeah I Want to Say Never I should never say never but I would just use that word because if someone if you are in a relationship like that and maybe you're not even conscious that you're doing it in the beginning but you realize a year two years in okay you know the person I've chosen really doesn't step into his confidence or his masculine energy he'll do anything I wanted to do at all times he stops his dreams from my dreams whatever it is what is typically the women you've worked with how do they what do they say about that what do they feel about that and what is their struggle is it they want to leave is it they just feel bad they don't feel the connection anymore what is it that they feel well so it's it's a tricky place because at that point it's hard for them to fully Express what's going on like one things I tell women is that one of the worst positions to be in is with a man you're not truly in love well with a good man you're not truly in love why is that the worst position because at that point if she's feeling empty she's feeling bored she's feeling unsatisfied who can she run to and say this to that won't say but wait a minute you have a great man you can't do that oh just work like No One's Gonna say oh yeah you know what I get it just walk away no I won't say no one but most people aren't going to allow that to be a good enough reason for her to walk away so she knows she's going to get pushed back from people but not just push back from people from her own self it's like okay wait a minute do I leave this great guy who loves me so much which is so safe here even though I'm not really that happy I'm not fulfilled or maybe I'm not that attracted to him that's a tough position to be in because it's like it would be so much easier if he cheated on her it'd be so much easier if he was abusive or something then she could easily validate oh okay I gotta go and that's why some women in that situation what they do is try to create turmoil try to find yes they they're trying to find something to give them the exit to say okay I don't have to be here anymore or to make that man want to leave them and and fairness this happens on both sides but I've literally talked to clients who the only they cheated hoping it would make their partner leave them oh my gosh because what was happening was in this instance she was trying to tell the guy over and over I don't want to be here but again he's this good guy love of you I don't want to lose you so I'll do whatever you need to change and out of guilt and sympathy she she stays with him but she she's so not happy so now she's thinking okay he won't leave me even when I tell him I don't want to do this anymore even when I tell him this is not working so what can I do and some will actually cheat on purpose let the man find out hoping he would find let go and in some cases he still doesn't let go he gets cheated on and he still wants to work it out with her and she feels trapped and so it just continues like it's just a never-ending cycle until either one of them finally gets tired of it or I don't know just it just it's crazy it's not much stress yeah so what I heard you say for a man to attract the you know a joyful loving partner that they really desire and have someone that they really are inspired by for you know a long term I'm hearing you say that that man needs to step into their self-esteem their confidence and their their masculinity yeah you got to step into that leadership masculinity equality right yeah that essence if a woman really wants to attract the right Healthy Man someone that is safe in terms of they can trust but um where they have to fully they have to feel a little vulnerable to really dive in and they really care about this man in a big way what does a woman need to do in order to attract that ideal partner for themselves and is the same answer for the women in Reverse it's walking in their true feminine confident self whoever they really are but being that best version of themselves and and to what you were saying it can't be find a man who you can be feminine with it has to be be your feminine self first and you'll be able to attract the man that you can continue to be found in with or that will honor respect and value your feminine energy and protect your feminine energy that's what you want but what's happening to so many women is they become detached from their femininity or they're viewing it in a negative way they're viewing it as weakness as when I'm feminine I get played I get taken advantage of and so now the mindset is if I find the right man I can be that so you'll hear a lot of women say well I am feminine in a relationship the problem is he can't see that far in to know that he wants to get in a relationship with you if you can spot it quickly it's like a it's a quick essence of seeing either a man or a woman if they're in that yes masculine or feminine energy right you can see it how they walk how they talk how they look at you you know how they carry themselves yes you can feel it in a few seconds probably yes so if you're guarded and you're not allowing yourself to flow in that energy someone's going to see that and they're going to be you know not as attracted to you you're going to be repelling and what's going to happen is and I'm sure you can vouch to this once a person heals spotting hurt dysfunction Trump is like it's easy now it's like it's like your eyes were so are now so wide open crazy you know when we're not healed we we make excuses yeah we've been there many times in the past exactly so I think that's what a lot of people don't realize is if you're still guarded the reality is you're guarded because you're holding on to hurt that you have not resolved you're holding on to fear due to past experiences well healthy men can see there's something wrong and like oh I'm not gonna do it on that path yeah this is I'm good with this yeah it's interesting because I've learned a lot in the past I don't know four years from different relationships from you know breakups and healing and I really took your lesson to heart after I think the first time we interviewed I interviewed you where you were like Step One is heal right this is the the healing journey I didn't do that in a previous relationship I stepped into another one without healing and then I was just like I can never do this again because I thought entering a new relationship with a different person would create different results and that wasn't the case because I still hadn't healed exactly so it wasn't until I spent you know six intensive months of therapy coaching and doing the internal work where I was able to start healing wounds and it's a journey yeah you know it's not like you're healed after one you know day or something but it's been a continuous Journey I was able to spot it and more importantly I was able to be so courageously honest with who I am what I want the vision for my life and a vision for a relationship my values what are non-negotiables for me and I was so clear to let go of any potential relationship that didn't fit within a vision that I had I was so happy to be a single for years and create peace within then enter something where I had to compromises constantly compromised now I'm all for alignment and agreements where there's maybe I don't get a hundred percent of everything I want every moment but we have a shared agreements and alignments on our values our vision and our lifestyle right it's like and and and speaking about it early in in a dating experience for me was the shift saying Hey listen uh tell me if you what you think about this concept I love your concept of healing first before entering a new relationship right and something I did in the current relationship is I was like we're not going to have sex until we're committed until we actually get clear on all these other things that I want to talk about challenges I never had the courage to talk about these things early enough in a dating experience about values Vision lifestyle you know all these things my priorities in life but this time I did and I think it gave me a lot more peace being able to speak my mind without clouded sexual confusion yeah and I think a lot of people jump into sexual chemistry and acts of sexual interaction too soon before having the vulnerable conversations why do you think that is and do you like that idea of waiting for a period of time until some type of a commitment not saying until marriage but at least at least having these kind of conversations first no absolutely I think if more people could wait it would make things a lot better right as you said not only not only are we afraid to ask certain questions and discuss certain things but it's like we don't want to face the possible reality of this situation so we keep everything on the surface we keep it at the sex we keep it at the hanging out here and having fun and yeah we we get along with each other's friends and blah blah blah and that's great but we're not diving deeper and it's because I think deep inside we may know that once we do this may not work anymore and we yeah and so we don't want to have to face that we don't want to have to let go so we keep kicking the can down the road so I definitely think by removing the more we can remove any distractions that impair judgment the better so sex is something that can definitely impair judgment I'll give you another example I knew this one guy he went on a couple of dates and first date I think was a concert and the second date was utter some kind of other festivity and I said listen don't ever take a woman on a to a concert on the first date because here's the thing one there's a huge distraction the cops are going on it's not really an opportunity for you two to dive into each other two even if you guys don't really mesh well if you have fun at the concert because you guys love that artist and you love that atmosphere well that's clouding your judgment to seeing but we don't really like hanging out with each other like that see hanging out with each other in fun environments that we already enjoy that doesn't qualify it is can we sit in a room with nothing going on just talk and actually enjoy each other's presence that tells us if we really like each other yeah so I definitely think um it's best to wait as long as possible and as far as why people do it I mean one people are just horny we're gonna keep it real that's one of the things I think also again for some so okay for some women and this is just some women the idea is if I sleep with him and I put it on him he'll like me I I'll get what I want out this guy so it's a weapon for her right for some guys some of it is just desire but some of it also is I want to make sure she actually is attracted to me because a lot of men have dated women waited only to find out that she had sex with someone else during that process or only to find out she was never really that interested he feels used so his way some guy's way of trying to confirm that you actually have genuine interest is through intimacy you see so some will rush to that as a form of validation for themselves um but and I think just also again people sometimes get caught up in the moment and I hate when people say oh well that was this great sexual chemistry chemistry cannot occur until you guys actually have sex so what you felt was attraction and horniness at the same time and it created this energy between y'all and you want to move forward with that and so again you just have to be careful now I think it doesn't mean every person who's had sex too soon is doomed there are people who've gotten married after having sex on the first date um you know some people are able to pull back and still properly evaluate but individuals have to be honest with themselves about how does this impact my ability to see if this is the right person for me and for me to show up as my authentic self in this relationship what do you think would be three things that every every woman should either do or not do before they get into a committed relationship not even talking about marriage but just I'm gonna now I'm gonna be committed we're gonna commit to each other what are three things they should or should not do before that okay or three conversations or whatever it might be I think one conversation that everyone needs to have is what do you see your role as in a relationship and what do you see my role as let's discuss all the needs and desires I really I I would argue 90 of people enter into a commitment not even knowing the full list of what this person wants and expects or is hoping for out of this so roles and responsibilities yes in a relationship is that in a dating relationship or in a marriage relationship it could be boyfriend whatever level we're trying to go to next so if right now we're trying to just be boyfriend and girlfriend let's define that I think defining it for marriage as well that's the ultimate end goal would be smart because what's the point of doing foreign conversation before they come in I so what's popping in my head right now is a lot of people are ashamed to State what they want gosh they they feel like it's they're not allowed so perfect example there are some men out there and even some women who are stickers when it comes to your physical appearance all right and they have certain expectations as far as how they want you to look but Society family friends tells them oh that's shallow Oh you if you love them that shouldn't matter so then people become hesitant to say this is what I'm expecting this is what I want also because at that point you already like this person again there's this fear of if I say what I really want I may lose what I'm hoping to hold on to right now all right so let me just find a way to dance around this and and hope we can discuss it later I also think some people just don't truly know and understand themselves enough to articulate what it is that they need and desire in this relationship so too many people haven't spent time just really asking themselves okay what is important to me what's going to make me happy and what what is is it that if it's not involved in this relationship it's not going to allow me to show up a hundred percent so basically if and I'm just using this as a random example if you're a man and you value a woman who's cooking for you and you say all right if she's not cooking that's gonna make you miserable to the point that you will no longer be showing up a hundred percent for this relationship then you should not sacrifice a woman who can cook plain and simple whatever it is if it's for a woman you know communication or going out often certain Lifestyles all these things need to be discussed and I just think that people just they hope for the best rather than face the reality of what may be going on right now and I think you know uh I speak for myself too but I think I know a lot of people lean too much on the sexual chemistry right whether it be the the desire the feeling they have between each other or the actual Act of sex that feels so good with the dopamine you're just like this feels so good to be with this person that they don't want to rock the boat and ask those questions or communicate and here's what's crazy about that for women I can't tell you how many women have had sex with men the sex wasn't that great it was nothing special but she likes him so much that she pushes past that really yes absolutely how important is great sex for a relationship to last in my opinion it's extremely important so consider what you just mentioned with the oxytocin the oxytocin is released through orgasm all right so if you're not having sex that takes you to orgasm you're not getting at least for my knowledge right maybe I'm wrong but you're not getting the full dose of oxytocin there I also believe like I view oxytocin as like a god mechanism meaning it was put there to help two people stay bonded together yes so if we are married or whatever and we're having great sex consistently we're going to be much more bonded to each other if we're not having great sex we don't have that bond anymore you see what I'm saying now it's so much easier for things to get in between so I think that it's extremely important but I will say that great if subjective and you know what level of quality that man or that woman needs is going to vary but they have to have their needs satisfied or else you're asking for trouble so this this uh conversation about needs needs to happen before you get committed right needs response roles and how you're going to play how I'm going to play a role in this how you're going to play a role in this what would that conversation look like you know people have been together dating for a couple of months and they're thinking about getting connected should they say hey here are the three things I want to talk about you know Stefan speaks we're going to have these three conversations one's about needs one's about roles what was the third thing what do we say I don't think yeah what would be the third one the third conversation to have or the third conversation to have oh man I I just think it's it's about how we need to communicate when there is an issue I think we lack having a structure of of communication to where if there's an issue that needs to be resolved we understand how we go about this you know when you're trying to fix things on the fly or handle things on the Fly you're you're now at the mercy of your emotions and where that may take you in that moment so by having something that we agreed upon okay we take maybe 10 minutes off in our own Corners then we come back and we discuss this or we write a letter or you know some people have the rule we don't go to sleep mad at each other having those structures in place because the communication without healthy communication relationship is not going to last it's not going to be successful so it's important to have something laid out so we know how to go about this you know I'm a huge fan in writing letters even when it comes to discussing deep issues so maybe implementing that in the process but once we can agree to a structure and agree to we will always make time to sit down and talk about these things as well as adding constructive criticism so I think I mentioned this to you before like I believe in relationship checkups so that's another part of the structure where maybe we agree every three months or six months whatever it is maybe once a month where we have a time where we sit down and we go over all right well anything every what's good here what needs to be improved what aren't you happy with let's consistently constructively criticize so we are aware because what happens in so many relationships is that let's say you're not happy about something but you guys never make time to talk about it so now it lingers and in that lingering now you're catching an attitude now they're mad at you but they don't understand it at the root of it is this issue that was never expressed so now they feel like you're being stupid or you're acting crazy or whatever now that turns into a lack of intimacy because if she's feeling some type of way emotionally she's not gonna be sexually receptive to her man now that turns into more resentment it's just dominoes and it just gets worse and worse so we have to establish communication structure as early as possible I love that you know something that Martha and myself started to do before we got into a commitment I said listen the only way you know this works for me one of my needs is that we enter the relationship in some type of therapeutic coaching experience it doesn't have to be a therapist it doesn't you know whatever we want to do we need a third party that we can sit with once every couple of months and talk about agreements and just making sure we're staying on track with what we want in the relationship because that's something I always wanted but never created and I said listen this is the only way this will work for me is creating that making sure that need is met yeah she was like I'm down and what that did for us was it allowed us early on to create an agreement about how to communicate when things were uncomfortable right and one of the our the agreements was like listen I'm never going to yell or raise my voice but I can't have someone else in my space doing the same thing like if you scream and you yell because you can't manage your emotions that doesn't work for me and if you want to yell at another person then cool but that's not going to be me yeah and so we created that agreement right and there hasn't been there's been uncomfortable conversations but we have agreements on how to communicate with each other so it doesn't escalate exactly and it's been a beautiful practice because we both have an agreement and there's a third party that witnessed the agreement you know as opposed to no I never said this because people do it all the time yeah you create something you talk about when you're all loving and kind but then a year later like I never said I'd do these things right so I think it's real for me it's been really helpful to just over communicate in some ways and be like these are what I need this is what I want and are you in alignment with this yes that's been really powerful so this masculine and feminine energy is something that you say has been um you know people have been confused about lately yeah right why are people confused about understanding and stepping into their masculine or feminine energy so it's I'm trying to find the right way to say this but I'm just going to say it Society has been pushing for equality so hard that they're now causing a a lack of balance between men and women and don't get me wrong I mean I'm all for equality in certain areas right but I think we have to recognize we are two different types of people we are wired differently if we would come into understanding of our differences we can create more Harmony we don't need to be like each other so here's one perfect example of how I feel like it's throwing things off a lot going back to the sex so you'll have this push where people are saying well women are just like men when it comes to sex I even one time many years ago I won't say the name of the company but I was brought to a dating app company and it was me and a few other people and they had this presentation and they had the scientist that said there was a study that shows women want sex as much as men and I disputed it I was like no I said I think what that study is not taking into account is that you guys are combining intimacy C with sex women want intimacy and unfortunately for most women they feel like they can't get the intimacy unless they go through sex to get it all right so just getting a guy to just cuddle with you and touch without it trying to escalate to sex that's hard for a lot of women they don't experience that you talk to a lot of married women they'll say the only time my husband wants to touch me is when he wants to have sex so going back to this pushing that men and women are the same so look at it like this if you're telling men that women are just like us that one that man now feels like there's no need for foreplay there's no need for connection outside the bedroom there's no need to make sure she's there emotionally or mentally because we don't need that all right when we're ready to go we're ready to go it could be world war three outside we're still ready to go but that woman if she is consumed mentally that's going to hinder her ability to show up sexually if she's stressed out if she's stressed out if there's too much going on if she doesn't feel comfortable and safe in that relationship again the connection outside the bedroom affects the connection inside the bedroom she needs a little bit more as far as foreplay and again is this every last woman no but typically this is the case so by fighting for equality you're limiting people's ability to have sexual Harmony all right but if we accept it okay these are the differences this is what I have to do as a man to create a more sexually receptive environment well things everybody wins everybody what does a man need to do to create a more sexually receptive environment so I think the first thing is the connection outside the bedroom again so here's as we said earlier women want to feel safe they want to feel secure if you can if they go after the safe guy yeah they're different they go to the same guy that's just a guy who they don't have to be too vulnerable with yes but we're talking about creating safety where she can give you all of her love all of her heart but she can rest a little easy that you it's in good hands all right that you have good intentions that you're not judging her that's that's one of the big things you want to let a woman feel more sexually receptive you can't make her feel judged you know what I'm saying the minute she feels like you're judging her you're gonna look at her some kind of way you make it harder for her to open up to you in that area what about when a woman judges the man or makes him wrong or he's not enough I think well I say this I think it will come it would hurt him and his ability to show up emotionally for her it doesn't have the same negative impact on him sexually can it yes but not as common as it will for a woman all right most men even though they're feeling some kind of weight they're gonna still show up into the bedroom no problem but opening up emotionally becomes harder so that's why a lot of men struggle speaking to their woman and letting her in uh into his life even deeper because of the fear of she won't respect me if I tell her how I'm really feeling wow she'll look at me different so that's and again it highlights the differences of how these actions impact us and the environments they create in our relationship so I think that we've got to get back to understanding the difference between men and women the balance of the masculine and feminine and and why that is so important to the success of a relationship how do people start to buy into that again and believe in that and start to shift the work because it's like telling people to completely shift who they are how they've been acting in order to buy into that believe it and not get hurt by stepping into that yes I think Step One is asking yourself what kind of Life do you want to live yeah because a lot of people's struggle with getting in tune with their energy is due to letting outside noise tell them how they should live what should be acceptable so for example if you're a woman and you want to walk in your family and let's just say not even just walking in feminine let's just say you're a woman and your heart is in having a family being at home doing these things but society's telling you can't do that that's weak you can't rely on a man all these things well it pushes her away from where her heart really wants to be and now she's at conflict with herself and how can you create that life that you desire if you're at conflict with yourself it's the same thing for a man if you as a man want a woman who can be feminine to you and have a certain lifestyle in the household but you're letting Society tell you no 50 50 and all these things well you can't do that like at that point you're compromising what you really want who you really are and that takes you away from achieving what you're trying to achieve so each individual has to sit and ask themselves okay what kind of Life do I really want to live and what kind of life would I want to live if there was no fear of getting hurt or fear of judgment exactly because now if if the if because I tell you this if if most women like the topic of being submissive is a hot topic for a lot of women a lot of women don't like that word but I always argue that if you sat down with a bunch of women and say listen if an angel can come from the sky and say I will give you the most amazing man he will tap into all you needs he will make sure you are protected never cheat on you all you need to do is be submissive to him ninety percent of women will sign up right away what and what does submissive mean submissive meaning in allowing him to lead in a relationship well let me say this because I think when people hear submission they do think of dictatorship right they think of doing as he says the thinking of this history yes submission in my eyes when it comes to relationship is one allowing that man to love you what I mean by that is this when a man is truly in love with a woman he wants to do for her he wants to provide for her he wants to make sure she's good if you don't submit to that you're going to be in this energy that's I got it I can take care of it it's not letting him love you and not letting him love you you're carrying this unnecessary burden that's wearing you down so even when I speak to men being leaders in the relationship it isn't to say that women are incapable of doing things it isn't to say that she you know she's bad at whatever it means listen you letting him take that burden off your back makes everybody win because now you can thrive in your element he can thrive in his we feel good about taking on that challenge and providing and doing for our women I've never heard a man complain about having to lead in the relationship as long as he feels love and respected yes if he feels appreciated if he doesn't feel loved or appreciated or respected then it's exhausting yes exactly that's the if she's complaining that you're not doing enough and you feel like man I'm carrying this whole relationship I'm doing all the work I'm paying for everything I'm doing all the chore and you're still don't respect me exactly then it's exhausting exactly on the flip side though there are tons of women who at a certain point they don't want to have to be the leader of the relationship why do so many women take why do so many women take it on where they are the they tend to make more money and maybe the guy isn't working as consistently or they have a part-time job or they're a little lazier let's say and why do certain women get into a relationship like that where the man isn't providing necessarily for himself or for the relationship and then stay with men like that as we it's like we talked about earlier it's leverage it's control it's power you know it's he has to Value me um it's also listen if she's having a hard time dating men of a higher stature well it just becomes easier to date that guy not to mention in her defense that woman if she's not if she's walking more in a mask and energy she's going to attract men who don't have much going on for themselves why is that because again we attract that balance it's a natural thing you're not going to see a feminine woman being drawn to a very feminine man it doesn't happen like that and that's the same way you won't see a very masculine man be drawn to a masculine woman he may want to have sex with her he may want to enjoy some things with her he's not going to live life with her exactly it's interesting because those energies conflict we need balance so what happens is that woman that's giving off more masculine she attracts that man who he needs her he needs her to stabilize his life he needs her for the resources he will tolerate that energy because he does not possess it within himself or he doesn't want to go out there and work harder exactly so it's easier for him and so yes she's getting more of those guys coming her way than the established man and and again in her defense after a while it you know you start to say well maybe I should give one of these guys a chance maybe I should try this out maybe this wouldn't be so bad good guys yeah yeah and you know what something's not even good guy eyes they're just guys who are willing at that time to put in more effort so here's the thing like I was speaking to Jay Jay seti and he was saying when he first got with his wife he didn't have a job so he was able to spend every day with her right and she kind of got accustomed to this and I bring his example to say a lot of times that guy who doesn't have anything going on for himself right now is more available to chase to pour into to do whatever time with her yes so that also allows the woman to fall into the Trap of being with this guy even though he's not really a great guy for her because he's not doing things to provide for her and make sure she's good but he's keeping her attention yes he is feeding her the attention that she desires and in return taking her resources so in a lot of cases of course in a lot of cases so with this 50 50 thing why do you think this is such a big topic let's say in the last probably 10 15 years where it seems like it's 50 50 in the relationship 50 50 spending 50 50 taking care of all responsibilities 50 50 taking care of the kids when the woman needs to get up a nurse the you know the husband needs to get up and and be emotional support during that time you know share the time taking the kids to school changing diapers whatever it is that that Society is saying um why is this 50 50 thing been so prominent and why does it not work for both men and women all right so as far as why it has risen to prominence is again I think it's just fight for equality we were fighting so hard and we're losing sight of the bigger picture of balance balance is what we need for Success not equality in the relationship and I would argue that equality and relationship does not actually exist because if you were to examine 50 50 relationships what you will find is over time it's going to shift to one person doing more than the other and I would argue ninety percent of time it's the woman doing more than the guy because think about this the mindset of the man who wants to do 50 50 is is very different than the man who's so in love with this woman that he wants to provide for her his one is to even accept 50 50. he's going to be reluctant to do that it's kind of like going on a date with a guy and one guy is down to pay Dutch the other guy's like don't don't take your card out I got this they already have a very different mindset so that guy who's opened the 50 50 from the jump the chance that he's gonna change later on and want to take on more is not likely he's going to get comfortable in that 50 50 or do even less also consider this even when we say 50 50 on the bills 50 50 on the bills in my opinion would be 20 of your income 20 of their income that's not what a lot of people do the mortgage is let's say 1500 and we split it 757.50 but the guy let's just say makes eighty thousand dollars the woman makes forty thousand dollars that's not equal right you see what I'm saying she's making a much bigger sacrifice than he is so that alone eliminates this item that is 50 50. what about the whole raising the kids thing of like you gotta you know exactly raising the kids now of course are there scenarios where sometimes it's the man who ends up doing more absolutely but in most cases the woman naturally gravitates to being the one who handles the kids more that's what you're gonna find so again you're gonna start to see it be get skewed in certain areas to where you're not maintaining this 50 50. but then if we go deeper into why this doesn't work so one it doesn't work because it doesn't it's not really sustainable in the vast majority of cases I'm not saying no one's ever pulled it off but in majority cases it doesn't work number two you know there was a study that shows uh I believe it was a study that said egalitarian relationships are like the most sexless marriages or the most sexist relationships egalitarian meaning like equal 50 50 equal you know what I'm saying sexless yes why is that because basically you're neutralizing the masculine feminine polarity polarity exactly it's now just neutralize yeah it's flat it's not there's no excitement there there's nothing there it kind of reminds me of this guy I don't want to put him on but I don't know his name so I guess I could say it there was this guy on Twitter I think it was like late last year and he posts that he how his wife just came home from like a 16-hour shift or something crazy like that and here she is shoveling the snow in in the driveway and how he's so proud of her let me get her coffee ready and the commenters ate him up like they went in but you know in his mind it's we're equal we're 50 50. look at her doing all these things but in reality if a woman had to come home to a man that puts her in that position all the time doesn't step up she's gonna start to lose attraction and you're again over burdening the woman what what a man has to understand and it's actually mentioned in the book uh the way the superior man yes where he says don't make your woman your everything I think what men under s estimate is that women are in their head a lot they're constantly thinking constantly processing so if too much is on her plate she becomes mentally exhausted mentally worn down yes so when when the woman says I'm too tired for sex The man thinks well you weren't doing nothing all day her mind was a million different places all day by the time she got to this moment she does not have the energy when the Mind goes the body goes with it so when you put too much in front of her you are taking her taking taking away her ability to thrive in certain areas so as the book mentioned you want to identify as a man what do I need most from her what's going to be most important for me let's now hone in on those things and find someone else to take care of the rest what are the things that men need most from women in general what are some of the things what are the things that you think men need most from women in general I think in a relationship yes support support and let me add to support by saying a belief in that man you know I think we need a woman that believes in us that kind of reveres us so to speak has that respect for us and Views us in a great light uh because again as men we're gonna have moments where we may question ourselves we may feel down and if that woman that we're with can't pour into us in that way in that moment with a genuine energy of I believe in you I support you I love you that's going to be tough to deal with all right I think also sexual satisfaction for most men is extremely important um I think I think women underestimate how serious of a need sexual satisfaction is for a man yes and again it goes back to not understanding we are wired very differently by by biology looking at it from a biological standpoint we have more testosterone than they do more sex drive exactly we naturally have more libido part of the reason why is because and I hope I'm saying this correctly the DNA's main primary objective is reproduction yes it has to keep us ready all the time and so because of that that's why I'm sure you're familiar with semen retention tell me okay so SEMA retention is basically the practice of going without any sexual release over a period of time and people have reported where over time they've developed like men they've developed deeper voices more muscle mass more confidence more Focus all these things by by holding on to the yes by holding on to that resource so to speak and not releasing it in any way shape or form what is happening uh from based on my research what is happening is the body's saying oh you're not reproducing we don't need you're not mating with anybody I need to make you more desirable really yes because I need you to go do something wow so that's why I'm going to raise your testosterone I'm gonna deepen your voice I'm gonna let that massive energy pop out you're gonna get more confident you're gonna be more comfortable around women this is what happens so that's why men who kind of bury themselves in constant sexual release through their own means they don't understand they're robbing themselves now some people don't believe in it I'm a huge believer in it I believe it's absolutely real and it's extremely beneficial but back to the point of men and women being so different it again we we and it doesn't mean that there aren't women who need sexual satisfaction as well and there are women who may be just as sexual as a man but in General on average a man needs it way more biologically speaking he needs it way more so to neglect him of that it causes a lot of freaking problems what happens if a man doesn't have the sexual release and experience and expression in an intimate committed relationship long term well I think another thing that it can do to you is raise aggression because again with uh with the increase of testosterone aggression also increases so there was a woman on Tick Tock who mentioned that we need more monogamy because as monogamy decreases and less men have a partner that they can mate with and be you know be sexually engaged with you'll start to see a rise in rape you start to see a rise in sexual abuse you start to see a rise in crime there's all these negative things that start to happen because you have a group of men who aren't getting any action Who start to get frustrated and it starts to pour over into negative ways now granted I don't think we can solve every man getting it or not but it just speaks to what's happening within a man when he goes without for so long unless he learns I I will say this because it is possible to also I believe to channel that energy into other ways yes so as I'm mentioned in uh superior man he talks about it yes and thinking girl Rich talks about it sexual Transportation yes so I do believe we know about it the fight of all men have to deal with like managing this energy exactly exactly and so now what happens is if you are if you are not an ambitious man or you're not a man that has created avenues for you to release that energy into something more productive what is getting trapped and now that causes a problem you see what I'm saying so you've got to find a way to release it somehow but I think over time like we can only sexually transmute so much so this is really hard but again there's some men who have conquered it better than others so I'm not going to act like men can't do it it's just not that easy what do you think is the best way for a driven confident Alpha masculine man healthy conscious masculine man to eliminate distractions or Temptations when they're in a committed intimate long-term relationship from wanting to think about other women or scroll on Instagram and dream about what that could be like and be tempted to say I need more Partners okay you know what is the you know what is the best way for men who might feel like gosh I just it's hard for me to hone this in and stay fully like present with my woman and think about can I be with this person for 50 years and only be with one person what is the best solution for those men who might be maybe women are so attracted to them because they are a desirable man they have a great partner a great life great relationship that women are just trying to come in and steal them yeah how does a man stay fully present in their relationship fully Integris fully committed for the long-term Vision while being present now you have to cut off everything that feeds the struggle so if you know looking at Instagram puts you in that place you can't be on Instagram now I know that's easier said than done depending on a person's profession and all these different things but literally you have to cut off all influences that push you on that path because it could be Instagram it could be the music you're listening to it could be the TV that you're watching depending on what you're watching and I know it it's tough because you get to a point like well I gotta cut off everything almost but yeah yeah the more you can remove these outside influences the easier it is for you to be present with your partner I remember one time there was a guy uh his wife had got pregnant I don't know if they were married at that time either way his partner was pregnant she put on some weight he found himself left us attracted to her they weren't having sex as much he went to get some help they suggested stop looking at porn stop looking at Instagram he stopped for three weeks he looked at pretty much no other woman unless he passed a woman in the street he said after three weeks he found himself more attracted to his partner wow even without the weight loss now it doesn't mean he still didn't want her to lose weight because sustaining that it was still going to make some adjustments but it did help interesting because he didn't have these other influences constantly being put in his face that makes him question okay what's going on here like I don't like this or you know hey I could have this too or you know what that would be like exactly so it's just we've got to know our weaknesses are and where we fall short and just cut it off at the root as best as possible I think it goes back to also communicating your your needs um you know your agreements your roles responsibilities in the relationship and making sure your needs are met as a man yes if your needs are not met and you and it opens the door you know you're like oh okay if not if I can't get it here then I wonder what that would be like or this will be like yes that's why I think it's really important to have these real honest conversations before you get committed about what your needs are absolutely maybe there's a man that's like I only need to have sex a couple times a month and I'm happy for me that doesn't work yeah right you know maybe in 20 years it changes I don't know but it's like you got to be realistic and say you know I've had conversations with Martha where I'm just like this is what I'm going to need this is what I'm going to need and are you able to provide this if not I don't want to push you on something that you don't want to do you know and same for you what are your needs and can I provide those for you absolutely and if I can't provide for your needs you shouldn't be with me we shouldn't be together if it doesn't naturally align yes right we should be naturally aligning not you have to change three things about you in order to please me and I have to change everything to please you I don't think that's the right math no it's not there might be sexual attraction there might you maybe have fun you can be friends whatever but I'm talking healthy long-term commitment yeah with the least amount of pain you know what I mean it's like a there's going to be challenge there's going to be diversity and pain that causes by living life but if you can minimize Stress and Anxiety within the relationship I think that's the best approach absolutely and talking about needs is key up front so I'm hearing you say men need to eliminate any Temptation or distractions that might get them thinking about another option yes and I believe 200 as the next thing would be making sure we lay out those needs and desires and make sure they're being met on both sides because I'm a firm believer you can't expect this person to meet all your requirements if you're not going to do the same for them but I do think that there's a lot of men who they don't take it as far as they need to as far as expressing what is it exactly you want from this even the weird crazy sexual like nuances like you've got to go there yes even if it's uncomfortable or you feel like man this is they're gonna judge me or they're gonna think this is weird but if you don't get that you're gonna resent it in a year two years six months exactly and you'll be thinking about where can I get this met and that's and that's the key if you can honestly say if I don't get this I'm good like I I would like this but it's not a big deal to me I can go without it cool but if you know going without this is gonna disturb you and be a huge struggle for you yeah you're asking for problems why do you think it's so hard for men to only be with one woman or one woman or why do you think that's the struggle for men when they think about it like can I only be with one woman for the rest of my life and they're like well if I could just have like a threesome once a year if you hear these conversations but why is a challenge challenging and from the men that you've met who are extremely sexually satisfied with their one intimate partner for decades what is it they're doing differently or how they shifted that thinking that they need more women so here's my current theories and beliefs that I'm not gonna lie to you I still struggle with in some points not because I don't believe what I'm about to say but because if true it's it's a hard pill to swallow so I'm of belief that the majority of men can actually be happy with one woman no problem I view it in the same way I view business all right there's the bosses and the workers and and neither label is a negative to either side okay it's just a reality that there are men who they don't need a bunch they don't need a lot in their life if they're making a certain salary they have a roof over their head food on their table needs are being met they're good they don't have this extra gear of ambition that says go out and do more that kind of guy can have his one woman again he is needs are being met in the relationship yes in the relationship I think he's fine he can do that for the rest of his life no problem live a happy fulfillment yes and understand because that man doesn't even have the desire in him or the energy to go out there trying to mingle with other women and all that kind of stuff exactly yes it takes a certain kind of mindset and energy to be able to do that a lot of guys aren't like that they just want to be happy and have their needs met and that's it but then there's the smaller percentage of men which we could argue are the more desirable men of society who tend to be more ambitious men like I remember reading somewhere if I'm correct people like Einstein Steve Jobs all these Geniuses high sexual energy that seems to be this connection this correlation between these ambitious men these these very Unique Individuals that do big things in life and them having this very high sexual energy and again they probably had to learn to transmute some of that to to accomplish what they accomplished where these types of men there's a greater struggle now to just be limited to that one woman because it's the same thing that they struggle with being limited to one invention or one business you know what I'm saying they they just have this mind and this this desire for more I gotta keep going I gotta keep going and so I think that guy is the guy that I don't know if it's maybe his testosterone is higher than normal I don't know I don't know what is it in the man that causes that but I do believe that every highly ambitious successful man I know the vast majority so let me not say every but the vast majority of them have that struggle or don't even believe in monogamy period all right okay Finish where you're saying yeah so so and I would say some of the ones who have like I feel for me personally the thing that helps me is my relationship with God yeah if I take that away I'm not gonna lie to you I don't know yeah you're a dog without God you're a dog like and and let me just be clear not dog as in I would never be a liar I'll never be playing women taking advantage of them none of that but would I be all over the place eventually yeah Devon Franklin talks about this in one of his books uh about there's a dog in every man right again not like a A mean dog but like a dog that has like a desire to go get another bone out there yeah it's like just like and it's learning how to fight the dog within you that has that desire right what happens have you ever met a man who's been in a a marriage let's say or a long-term relationship with one person as a constant but has other sexual encounters with other women and the relationship Works long term with that one person still open relationship or hall passes that are aware of this the partner is aware of this where you still have this really happy intimate connected partnership between the man and the main partner have you met anyone like this no honestly what typically happens when a man is with someone but also is with other people yeah so I think one we have to make sure we Define what work means so to some people it's working because they're still together I mean happy healthy exactly right that's the key field so for that to be the the standard of what we call it's working no um you haven't seen that I haven't seen it I'm not you know I can never say it doesn't exist 100 but what I think is what I believe strongly is that the woman accepting that is already kind of killing off a piece of herself that peace that wants to be number one in his life that wants to be fully loved to feel like he doesn't need anyone else but me and I argue that kind of going back to masculine and feminine to show you another difference between men women need love at a level or in a way that men don't meaning that if you went to a woman and you said or you went to a man and you said I will give you this woman she will give you everything that you need be fulfill all your desires but she cannot say she's in love with you will you take it there's a majority of men who will take it because yeah I'm good who cares right if you go to a woman with the same deal he will fulfill all your needs he'll be everything that you want but he cannot say he is in love with you there's a lot of women who can't take that deal really yes why is that because again they need that aspect of love that energy that it's it's it takes things to a different level that speaks to who they are I believe that speaks to the feminine in the woman the feminine woman craze that love we are more in you you can call it the more logical mind or whatever you want to call it but we just want as long as we get what we need it's we yes we feel respected and and we're being satisfied a lot of guys are like I'm not passing that up what would you say are the three most important things that every man needs from their partner is it respect support respect and I still got to use sexual satisfaction sexual satisfaction yeah support sexual satisfaction and respect and respect are the three things that most men need in a relationship yeah if it doesn't feel happy and fulfilled yeah because if you take away any of those three it's a problem if he doesn't feel respected it's going to cause huge problems he doesn't feel supported a lot of people don't realize a lot of infidelity does not start from um that man having a sexual desire for another woman it can start from a lack of support in the household and then you have other women coming around who are you know feeding his his head with you I think you're amazing if you were my man I would do this and blah blah blah I believe in you and he doesn't get that at home and that opens the door to it becoming sexual which is why you'll see a lot of situations where the man cheats on his partner with a woman who doesn't even look as good as his partner but it's fulfilling some sexual need not even sexually if build first the emotional need and then yes and it could be just sexual depending on what the initial issue was but yes yes it can go it can be to be sexual or emotional but I think people always think it's a sexual thing with an emotional need meaning like I'm not getting the respect I want so that's an emotional feeling yes or not feeling supported at home so that's an emotional feeling yes so the three things that every man you believe needs most men need is respect support and sexual satisfaction satisfaction yeah what would be the three things that every woman needs from their man to feel fulfilled I want to say love and I guess when I say the word love I mean it from the standpoint of non-sexual intimacy being able to pour into her emotionally mentally being able to hold her caressor everything other than sex and again it's not to say that women don't enjoy sex so don't desire or need sex but if you just gave them sex and you didn't give them those other things it's gonna be a problem yes so yeah so I think love I think security again it goes back to that needing to feel safe needing to feel comfortable around you need to not feel judged around you um I think that's extremely important again you take away a woman's security I want to give one quick example I have one client where um she was with a guy and while they were in a relationship she never had an orgasm with him okay they get married and it's orgasm City really yes it just it just starts flowing out okay yes no now she feels fully safe yes but then here's what happened years in he was in the military he cheats on her the orgasm stop and I always use that to say listen nothing changed sexually as far as physically what was happening but mentally and emotionally she no longer felt safe and secure in this relationship and that was enough to turn the switch on and off when it came to her sexual satisfaction and her being sexually receptive to him so definitely security is the other thing um and I I think I'm trying to find the right word right way to phrase this but I feel like the word that I want to use is stimulation I feel that women need to be stimulated by their men now that could be mental stimulation that could just be spontaneous fun in the relationship just not being boring like women can get very bored easily in a relationship you have to find a way to keep her stimulated again and and I don't want men to hear that and think I'm constantly doing no but there has to be enough in your bag that you can pull out when necessary or that certain things you possess naturally that keep her in that place because once she gets too bored that opens the doors to problems as well is it harder for a man to provide these keys for a woman to feel satisfied or is it harder for a woman to show up and give what the man needs to be satisfied so my honest answer my initial what I want to say is it's harder for the man because men it's hard it's in general it's hard for a driven masculine man to really take a moment to be non-sexual and intimate in an affectionate listening compassionate generous way and to think about how can I be spontaneous and fun and interesting when I'm just focused and driven to go provide and bring back yeah it's harder right yeah so basically you can look at it as you've got to really be able to tap into your feminine side so to speak as a man as a man to be able to tap into her needs and desires whereas she doesn't necessarily have to tap into her mask inside to satisfy us no other than you could argue maybe when it comes to her approach to sex if she approached it from a more masking like I'm just ready to go then yeah a lot of guys will be happy with that but but she can remain in her feminine and respect you and support you exactly and interesting so it's easy it will be easier for her for her from that standpoint so it's really like men need to really learn how to be masters of themselves and become master of flexing both the masculine energy and The Feminine energy to be able to fully pour into their partner the woman at a high level the way she needs to receive it absolutely that means you can't just be the the big strong tough driven provider you got to have some sensitive vulnerability within you to be what it sounds like the ultimate masculine man yes right absolutely that's definitely it's all about the balance from within us and we've got to we got to get more comfortable with it we've got we got to get more educated on how we go about it you know because I I want men to understand that though I I'm encouraging them to tap into their feminine side to be able to provide some of these things you don't want to lose sight of your masculine and so that's why it's still important like I I call it loving in your masculine all right you have to learn how to love in your masculine and that might sound tricky but I do believe it's extremely possible once you grasp the concept and you start to become comfortable with it because consider yourself now you're at a point where you had the confidence to say what you want to lay everything out you remove the fear of well if she doesn't like this I'm gonna lose her no you know what it needs to be either you're with it or you're not so now that allows you to remain in your masculine while you still can provide for her in the ways that she needs you see we we slide fully into the feminine when we become this oh my gosh I have to keep I gotta do everything to get her whatever whatever we become emotionally needy now it's like you're trying to do everything she wants but you don't have that balance of standing strong in who you are and that's really all it takes in my opinion that's why it's so important to have these conversations up front before you enter the relationship so that you're comfortable walking away or losing someone as opposed to just giving in to try to keep them yes right never be afraid to lose them more than you're afraid to lose yourself oh dang you know what I'm saying it's so true though yeah why do you think so many people are afraid to lose someone else and they'll give in at any moment because they don't want to lose someone well you can't be afraid to lose yourself when you don't know who you are it's true you see you you know what's in front of you with them or what you believe is something you're like I want that exactly but you haven't done the work within yourself to understand that this is not who you are right now that this is compromising what you need this is undermining what's going to allow you to be happy in the long run once you find that place find that person within you and you embrace it and you're confident now you can't be moved from that and now you're gonna approach situations your relationships completely different and again that confidence and understanding of self alone is going to exude a certain energy that people will respect and make you more desirable in people's eyes and you'll be able to see what you don't want you know the wounds that someone else is carrying with them that you're like I don't need to go rescue this person they gotta heal first exactly before they can enter in my space if I want to create just healthy relationship absolutely right because why do you think so many men or so many women attract a partner with so many wounds or that is wounded and needs them to rescue them well I think I always tell people you know some will say you are what you attract and I dispute it because I feel like you can be the most healthy individual there's still going to be unhealthy people or people who still need to heal coming your way yes that's normal that's life you're gonna attract everyone exactly because everyone wants to be a part of your life the key is who you entertain so if you keep entertaining these people who need healing who have these issues then that speaks to issues within you that have not been resolved right and those things are feeding your need to either again feel like well if I can fix them I have more value here I have more control here all the things we talked about earlier on the conversation that's what's playing out when you feel like you want to hold on to this individual or again you don't know yourself enough to understand that this what you're doing right now you can't even sustain it and you will not be happy with this relationship even like people don't realize if they got this person they wanted so bad they're going to be more miserable after the fact yes because again they're so blinded in the moment of I want them I want them I want them they're not even considering what I have to do to even get them back and what I'm gonna have to do to keep them happy as well as you're probably setting the stage where they're going to get to say oh well you have to work to have me I don't have to work to have you because you're starting off on balanced so why would they all of a sudden say okay well let me switch it off and now let me do more for you than you were doing for me no part of the reason they even got with you is because you were comp overcompensating for what they weren't giving you right right so you're you're gonna end up miserable anyway but if you healed and you did your own work you would not go that far down the path so it goes back to one creating balance in a relationship not equality yes right yes and I want people to understand when I say not equality again I think that the man and the woman have equal value to the success of the relationship I can't do this without you you can't do this without me but we have different roles we have different roles looking at life on a basketball team yeah think about the Bulls when it was Robin Pippin and Jordan can't do what Jordan and Pippa can do you can argue that he is not quote unquote as equal in value to them right but they cannot win the championship without him he is the missing piece to the puzzle so to me I don't like this idea of finding your equal no find your missing piece who completes your puzzle who compliments you they don't have to bring the exact things you bring to the table they don't have to have quote-unquote equal value no they just have to be to compliment that when you guys come together you make a whole unit that's Unstoppable what happens when uh too healthy conscious whole people come together and they're a powerful match for one another what happens for those individuals in life I just think everything gets better from there like now you just have a place of Peace a place of understanding you you have a place where you can get re-energized and and take on life a lot more I think you can accomplish more I just think that two people coming together at that magnitude it magnifies everything in both of them all the good in both of them and whatever they were doing now they're going to be able to do better later yeah so it's just it's an amazing thing when it happens have you ever seen a man never get in a committed long-term relationship uh live a healthy live a healthy happy life long term being with multiple women for the rest of life no I I haven't seen it you know I think I think at some point every man who has lived that life says to themselves I really don't want to keep doing this this is too much it's exhausting I think with these different women it's very unstable it can be unpredictable um who knows what drama may come with it I think that there's a desire to just have one but for some what's stopping them isn't a lack of Desire is the fear of giving themselves fully to one woman why are they so afraid well because they've been hurt before most guys who live that life have been hurt before you'll you'll see situations where a man could even grow up being a player maybe he had uncles cousins that all said have your fun do your thing and no matter how much he's been programmed and trained to be a player he will meet a woman at some point that he's willing to throw in his player card for he's like forget it I only want her the problem is men are not taught how to handle when they feel that way about a woman they don't understand how to go about it so they mishandle the situation people get hurt things go left and now when everything blows up he he's resenting he's resenting love he's resenting maybe that woman he now shuts down and to him the solution is I'm not going to give my heart to one woman again right so multiple women is a coping mechanism for him because I don't want to deal with the stress or the feeling trapped or the pain or whatever I I don't want people to deal with the vulnerability of it you see what I'm saying now don't get me wrong I'm not saying there aren't Men Who oh I'll say this I think even The Men Who desire to sleep with multiple women would prefer to have that one woman and then do their thing on the side you see so they still want that one individual that they can rely upon even when they have a desire to sleep with others so to me I I just don't see a man wanting to never have that one woman and just say no I just keep being with a bunch of different women it's draining him they want to have at least a partner if they feel supported respected yes um but what I've heard one up here you say is you don't think that works long term if a man having one woman and then having women on the side no because it's it's it's you're inviting a lot of potential drama yeah it's hard parasite energy yes it's hard to be emotionally available for all listen it's hard enough to be emotionally available for one woman depending on top of God you are okay all right so now you got to manage multiple women that's just really tough I think like even when you think about back in the days and I'm in way back in the days kings and queens and you had Kings with many women that was more for reproduction right it was like we need to yeah part of his status reproduction some of it was well these women if they didn't if they didn't allow themselves to be married to this man or be one of his wives they'd be out in the street and homeless but here's the thing like yeah he might have been cool because he's King but these women weren't happy they just accepted it it was it was acceptable enough to work with but it wasn't what they really wanted and desired so it's never this unit of two people who are just so happy in it and I would still argue that that King if he doesn't have a queen no matter how many concubines he has if he doesn't have a queen he still feels empty he still needs that one woman that he can share his life with so want to sleep with multiple women is very different than the need to have that one woman that you can share life with what is your thoughts uh going back to submissive this word that women some women don't really like it right what would be another word to be used for submissive that you think women might be receptive to hearing and being like okay I'm gonna take listen to this perspective my I was going to say let your guard down but no that's not going to work either that one either is it feminine is it what's the word like well I I think again depending on the woman's perception of what these things mean and what they or what they mean to her specifically will dictate how receptive she is to each word and that's why I think at some point rather than trying to find a different word I just want them to understand that submissive is not a bad thing I'm not saying submit to every single man that comes your way but if you're with the right man if you are confident this man is a good man is pouring into you it's showing up the way that he needs to why why not embrace it allow him to lead in certain ways yes but but what I think women have to understand is because I I guarantee you there'll be some women who just heard that and say well I have no problem with that if he shows himself worthy I will submit I think the disconnect is but you're not exuding an energy outside of that that says you're a woman who's capable of that that's the problem so it's like yes I do believe that most women in the presence of a masculine man who loves them and they feel safe around is going to let their walls down and quote unquote submit naturally it'll just happen they won't even think about it it will just naturally happen but when she's out and about when she's at a party whatever the case may be she's not giving off that energy so that man who's capable of pointing into her in that way doesn't even step to her he goes to somebody else and so I just want women to learn how to exude that energy more but that doesn't mean you're submitting to every single guy that comes your way sure we mentioned that about this before I've been seeing a lot of content on Tick Tock about some women saying that you know once you hit past 30 your value as a woman has gone down dramatically for uh you know a Driven high-desirable Man yeah is there truth of that or what do you think about this for women over 30 who aren't married who don't have kids um are they as desirable as a great partner for men in their 30s and 40s or are those men that are now emotionally ready to commit more interested in someone younger than them I think so I'm gonna put you like this I think people have to understand there's a difference between what we put down on paper that we want versus what happens in the reality of Life all right so yes if you ask the highly successful man uh would you prefer an over 30 year old woman versus a woman in her 20s majority of them are probably going to pick in her 20s though they're going to be men who will say in over 30. and that's the thing I want women to understand not all of these men think the exact same they have different reasons I've met men who are very successful who did not want to date a woman under 30 refuse to say because they're probably thought it'd be more drama or less exactly or whatever exactly there's a trade-off somewhere yeah we have in common exactly and depending on what that specific man truly values will determine which side he falls on but what I want people to understand is again even if even if we said 90 of those men want under 20 on paper under 30. under 30. I'm sorry under [Laughter] then what happens is um in real life though if that successful man goes to a bar meets this beautiful woman exuding all this feminine energy they talk the conversation is amazing they're they're in full alignment with what they want and what they like he's not going to say oh you're 31. I can't talk to you anymore at that point it doesn't matter once the vibe is there the connection's there it doesn't matter so you have tons of people that end up with someone who didn't fit what they would have wrote down on a piece of paper you see because what we write down is like our most ideal based off our logic so it's almost like if you ask someone what kind of car you want they might mention yeah I want a Bentley but when they leave the dealership they left with a Corolla or uh you know a Nissan or whatever the case may be because they realize that's what worked better for them by the time they were done so I just think that people get caught up in what they're hearing on the internet rather than listen if you show up as your best self you can still win whether you're in your 20s 30s 40s 50s whatever it doesn't matter you just have to be your best self and and what I also want women to understand is your goal is not to appeal to the whole base of men your goal is to find out one mental man who aligns with you so even if 90 of the guys say on paper they don't want this well maybe your guys in that 10 and you'll be fine just focus on being your best you right man this has been some good stuff so far um what else do we need to talk about today you think what else has uh been a big sticking point for people in relationships lately I I just think that in general there's this huge negative stigma on dating in general and a lot of people are just over it and they want to be done and again they're done with dating they're done with dating or they're done with putting in the effort to date and a lot of people are confusing practices that don't work with that individual versus practices that don't work in general all right so for example let's going back again to feminine energy if I say to a woman okay walking your feminine energy is going to get you more success oh well the last guy I was with he didn't appreciate it okay that guy didn't right that doesn't mean stop being feminine because being feminine works all right but you have to recognize that that guy is not it for you same thing um one time on a previous interview I did with Lisa she mentioned how there was a guy who goes on a date um and she went on date with her friend at the end of the day check comes the guy looks at the check she looks at the guy he looks back at her they're just sitting there looking to see who's gonna pay for it first finally after like a couple minutes he's like oh thank God you're not one of them and what what he explained was his last date when he went to pay for the check the date chewed him out and told him I can pay for my own meal and just let him have it so now he became afraid to try to pay for the meal and fear that he would get chewed out again and so people are again mistaking no the problem wasn't you trying to pay for the date if you're a guy who's comfortable in that role or wants to be in that role then that was your sign that you two are not a match that's it but don't change being the guy who pays for the date just change the woman that you're going to date with um so yeah a lot of people just in various ways don't stop being your best self yes just because it didn't work on one person exactly that was just not the right person exactly keep being your best version of you keep healing keep growing uh keep stepping into your masculine and or your feminine energy and you'll be attracting everyone you've just got to learn how to choose better people absolutely because you're going to attract everyone probably lots of different types of people absolutely you definitely will I mean again that's the thing like people who are who have found who have healed and got into that healthy Place who are taking better care of themselves overall who are walking in that confidence they're seeing more opportunities from a variety of people like and even if they haven't found their love of their life yet they can at least say I'm meeting more people I'm seeing more chances for relationships to go further I'm I'm meeting more people who want to be serious about me like that has all improved because they did the work within themselves yeah I'm gonna ask you a personal question go ahead [Laughter] what's it uh you know you've been single for a while right yeah years yeah right you've been committed to yourself developing yourself um what would it take for the right woman the right match for you for you to be like okay cool I'm down to explore like dating this person and then getting committed eventually what would it what would it take for you to witness an experience well you've met a lot of women yes a lot of great women um so as far as a willingness to explore it that's going to start with there has to be a strong attraction physically I believe in that wholeheartedly so that has to be there um again I I talk about feminine and mass and energy all the time so of course I'm going to be drawn to a much more feminine woman that's what I like that's what I appreciate that's what I value um also for me this one is a little tricky because I value a healthy lifestyle overall so eating healthier working out things of that nature I'm not prepared to say that I would not give someone who's not doing those things a chance I would be more hesitant but I'll say if that's in place that's a big green light for me so if all those other things are there and I find out you're into a healthy lifestyle as well oh yeah we definitely can look more into this and see where we can go um and then from there it's just more so alignment and personality so it's like okay I'm a very introverted person so I need I think it'd be best for someone who can have that balance to it they don't have to be a super extrovert but I think if they're too introverted I'm too introverted how will that really work in the long run again I'm not saying I'm completely against it I'm skeptical though if I'm being honest I think the way that we want to live life I am not the most I'm a mixture of I Can Be Frugal in some ways but maybe probably not no I I I'll spend money that's the thing yeah when I like something I believe in quality I like certain luxuries I'm gonna spend it what I've seen in a lot of couples is this battle that happens when you have this individual who likes to live a more luxurious lifestyle right and this person wants to live a simple lifestyle when those values don't align it conflicts and creates a lot of arguments and problems and again it starts with that small thing and manifests into all these other bigger issues so to me I would want to make sure we're on the same page with the lifestyle that we want to live and then after that it goes beyond them it's just about spiritually are we in alignment spiritually you know I pray about everything so I have to feel like God is telling me she's it if not I'm not moving forward you know and that's that's the piece I think people don't understand as to why someone like me would be single as long as I am verse versus someone who has my same resume so to speak but they don't have that spiritual side all right because now they're operating strictly from a logical place and if I was operating from a strictly logical place oh I could have married somebody a long time ago but for me that spiritual element is huge and I can't turn my back on that so that's what I believe has prolonged the process and you know I have to trust God's timing I don't know what the purpose is at the moment right but maybe I'm not as ready as I think I am you know maybe certain things need to be established within you you know I honestly say not even within me but within the purpose um I think like remember I don't know if you remember last time we did the one of these episodes you kind of called me out the fact that I had a letter I didn't write and I did it just so you know yeah okay so I made sure I cleared everything so I've done and of course there's always room to grow there's always more to learn but I can confidently say I've done all the Deep work everything that I talk to people about I've done every step of it and I it none of it weighs on me anymore like I'm good so to me I think though it's things need to be established within the purpose because what I will say is I've seen a lot of guys in my field that once they got married they took the foot off the pedal and they kind of fell off to be honest with you now I'm not saying I would completely fall off but hey it's real easy that once you find someone you love and you're happy with you you know you're relaxed yeah you know you're like maybe I need to do this interview today maybe I don't need to you know do this live right now you know let me just go chill with my girl it's easy to fall into that pattern so I think that maybe for me there's some things that have to be created first foundationally and then that can be brought into my life if if you guys enjoyed this so far make sure to leave a comment about what resonated with you the most that Stefan was talking about which point that he talked about that really speaks to you maybe something you haven't done yet something you did do that works well I want to see in the comments share this out as well we'll have everything else linked up that we talked about in previous episodes yeah because some of these were massive hits so make sure you guys go watch or listen to those as well in the description Stefan you got an amazing lots of amazing books for people you've got an amazing YouTube channel Instagram social media how can we be of support and service to you today uh just follow me at Stefan speaks on all the social media uh you can go to stefonspeakshop.com to get all the different books I always want to highlight love after heartbreak because that's the one that lays out how to heal and you notice that came up a lot today and I do believe it's the foundation of success in every aspect of our life so I definitely encourage people to go get that book they can also go to love afterheartbreak.com but yeah just continue to watch the videos watch this show you know and share it with all your friends and family share it out I'd love to see what people think is the most uh controversial thing or the thing that they really believe in but it's hard for them to say publicly so leave a comment below let us know uh Stefan always a pleasure I appreciate you man thank you if you got value from that then go ahead and stick around for more coming up right now so I I always talk about healing and I do believe that healing is the number one biggest issue but I want to take a different angle here I think that another huge issue that both men and women are facing from women's standpoint is really understanding that men are different and how we think how how we uh behave how we're overall wired and the same thing goes for women's I mean for men so essentially men lacking an understanding of the emotional state or the emotional side of women and not knowing how to tap into that or navigate through that whereas she also struggles with trying to navigate through his logical side and how he goes about things and that disconnect because both sides are expecting the other to understand them where they are all right and they're not trying to understand the other person and so we we get caught up in our own feelings our own perceptions of things and that creates this huge fight this huge battle rather than really Learning How the Other Side operates this is gonna be a oversimplified question a response that you have because each person is unique but I want you to fill in the blank if a woman understood X about a man they would be happy in their relationship the simplicity of a man they would be happy if a woman understood the Simplicity of a man yes they would be happy in their relationships yes they would be stressed they would have less arguments they would have less pain suffering yes because what does it mean to be the Simplicity of a man so there's a few things one a lot of women overthink and over analyzing their relationships and so a simple example I gave in one of my videos is like let's say a guy says she said ask the man what do you want for your birthday and he says listen just let's just watch a movie together have some pizza drink some liquor I'm good have some sex that's all I need for the night and the woman thinks let me get him a wallet he's like no I didn't ask for that exactly like it's so simple he's telling you exactly exactly what he wants the words coming out of his mouth are it's what he means the problem is so many women have been conditioned to dealing with liars and manipulators dealing with men who are playing games that when they are with a good man who's being forthcoming and honest they don't know how to take that and also because women are very they're in the details all right so they they are going to see what you need they're going to analyze and say okay I can get this for him they're they're more thoughtful in their approach they go deeper which is why they become so frustrated with us because we don't when we don't understand that when they said I'm okay that they really weren't okay that bothers them when they told us we don't want anything for Valentine's Day but they really wanted something and we didn't get that that bothers them because it's like why aren't we looking deeper why aren't we learning them and being more in tune with them because that's how they are with us and so again it's a disconnect of we operate very differently but if they would just understand then we're very simple and the man who wants to be with you who wants to love you is being very plain and clear if you would just honor and accept that it would make things so much easier and if a man knew asks about a woman they would have a happy life what's the right word it really goes to go to understand that her emotions I'm trying to find the right way to phrase this but it's really understanding the emotional side of the woman and what I mean by that is again if you're with a woman let's say you guys are walking down the street and she says I don't feel safe right now all right to a man we may Analyze This the area and say well there's nothing of danger here what's your problem you're crazy no don't do that if she says I don't feel safe you have to understand how she feels that's her emotion right now and her emotion is reality to her she may not be able to explain it it may be something within her within her spirit but as men we make a mistake of dismissing it because it doesn't line up with our logic and now it's you're crazy you're this you're that rather than no try to understand she's feeling like this for a reason and even if we can't always explain it honor it now the man's concern is well now she can manipulate you and play because even when it doesn't make any sense she can say I feel this way but if you're with a good one woman and she's been good to you in every other way why question that she's playing games now give her the benefit of the doubt so I think if we would just learn to embrace what what her emotions are at the moment we would be able to have more peace because again a lot of fights come from you're trying to force your logic onto her she's trying to tell you how she feels right now right and it's like this no meet her where she's feeling right now acknowledge that say okay you know what I understand it let's handle it from that perspective why is it so hard for for let's talk about men in this situation to acknowledge someone's feelings when in the man's mind you're you might be acting crazy these feelings are irrational why would I acknowledge irrational feelings when there's nothing to be afraid of in this moment if that's what a man is feeling how do they get out of that space and say okay this is irrational in my mind maybe this is seem crazy because I don't feel this personally how does a man learn to connect on that level so that they feel safe in that moment even if it is irrational so three things it's it's going to be awareness why did I just lose my train of thought for the second one yeah awareness I'm missing the second one and then communication at times when things are not chaotic all right so the problem is you you can't be trying to have this full decent discussion at this if you feel like she's being irrational if you feel like this is not making any sense now you're trying to have this deeper discussion that maybe she's not ready to have at the moment all right she's feeling all over the place who knows what's triggering her right now wait till things are calm and now let's revisit what happened the other day don't fix it when it's not when it's chaotic exactly it's almost like you know sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix it she wants you to listen and acknowledge how she feels and so we can talk about we can revisit it at a different time but in that time she needs you to embrace where she's at emotionally what if the man's just like it doesn't make sense you're making no sense right now what you're saying is irrational maybe it's illogical it's crazy none of it makes sense how did they wrap their heads Around The Madness of the emotion that is not real to them it really is a this is oh it's about practice so that was the secretary this practice communication so the practicing of it is just simply understand listen it doesn't always have to make sense all right what does it hurt you in that moment to just be more compassionate and considerate of how she's feeling even if it doesn't line up with your logic right then you know what I'm saying and again we can revisit this and use it as a moment to now learn more about each other but right now is not the time so the next so tomorrow three days later we can say Hey listen you know that time when we're walking down the street and you were afraid nothing was around can we talk about that exactly exactly and now we can gain better understanding because at that moment it may be easier for her to articulate it but in the moment of her emotions running all over the place it's gonna be hard for her to get it out clearly it's not because she's trying to be difficult it's just she's she's feeling all over the place it's just hard it's like if they think about a child and I'm not trying to reduce women to children but think about a child being in their frantic moment something happening to them and you're saying tell me what's wrong they can't tell you they're but it's hard for them to say it but once they're calmed down and at a better place they can absolutely so we just have to be we got to be patient as well we got to be patient with each other and give Grace we're gonna have moments where yeah it may not make sense but again overall if you're with a good woman why act like she must be she's being difficult or evil right now absolutely you know there's a lot of good women speaking of good women there's a lot of good women out there that are are friends of mine who are single and they've been single for years okay I'm thinking of a few of them specifically in my mind I'm going to speak to these women's uh archetype because I think there's a lot of women like this out there they've been single for they haven't been in a they've been dating but they haven't been in a committed long-term relationship for a while good women they make their own money they're independent they're kind they're compassionate they're loving they're they've got their own vision but they're struggling in finding the right guy who will commit what do you think is missing from those women or is it a timing thing maybe it's like hey you've been trying this for eight ten years and you haven't found someone maybe it's still timing maybe they haven't showed up in your life yet but if they're going on dates they're doing these things and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match the right match what's missing from them or is nothing missing it's hard to say because you know without knowing them individually the issues can vary you know I'll tell you what I've seen as common yes barriers for women one of the most common and then they may not like hearing this but one of the most common is a lacking of being in touch with that feminine side uh-huh and that that only really plays a huge role depending on the type of man they desire if they desire a very masculine man man who has his stuff together a guy who can be a leader at least has those qualities then not being in your family is going to work against you you're gonna come across more difficult you're not going to come come across as someone that's peaceful and again I think every man every man who has stuff going on for himself can say what he needs almost most importantly or at least near the top is peace every man needs peace oh man I was saying that my whole life you know peace and so if he does not view you in that way because again you project more masculine energy you project more resistance more of a difficult nature he's not gonna you could be the most beautiful amazing woman it's like he may want to sleep with you but he's not going to want to take you serious or marry you so that can be one problem another thing can't be timing you know it's a lot of times is you you we have to understand everything doesn't happen tomorrow there is a process to this but in that timing what's important is that you don't drag on with the wrong men yes a lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity staying with the wrong guys staying dating even the wrong guy so it doesn't have to be a committed relationship it could just be your dating and getting to know each other but you knew after a couple days that he wasn't it and yet you're still letting it continue and what even though you're not fully committed in this relationship as an official boyfriend girlfriend you're emotionally invested and your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered so you're not going to be able to meet that great guy or that great guy may come across you hear that you're dating this guy and say I'm not even going to bother with that yeah and so that hurts you so timing is it but you have to make sure you're leaving yourself available here's a question do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past hell yes absolutely I'll probably raise my hand here for pretty much every past relationship where I am known at different levels like something's not right something's off okay let's work on it let's try to make it work still things are off it's like you have a knowing inside and sometimes you try to force it to make it work and I'm as is one to blame as anyone here and what I realized is like oh I haven't fully healed certain things and it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have but I was afraid I was afraid of hurting someone I was afraid of hurting myself I was afraid of whatever yeah and when I started to learn that like this is something you talked about over and over that the healing processes is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship for something to flourish yes you want to have you know the dream is to have a rain forest of an environment in your relationship where things can grow things can flourish there's green trees around you there's water flow waterfalls not an environment of a desert where things go to die in the relationship yes and I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal and that's something that you taught me years ago and you teach so many people around the world this but if people don't even think they need to heal something how do they do it they can't there's no way you can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists right you know I'm fine I got this now I've dealt with this stuff in the past like that was me exactly and and so the problem is most people don't heal until they hit a wall until something you know knocks them on their behind and now they have to to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding on to um but also I think the the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either and now those unhealed people are going to validate your issues they're going to validate your your unwillingness to face those things this is so hard because whatever guy friends girlfriends whoever you are and you lean on people and say this person did this and they validate you and say leave them they're no good for you you deserve better you don't deserve that they shouldn't be doing this right they start to validate to be on your side but they're not healed either if they're coming from that place maybe they're correct on certain things but it's learning how to communicate to your friends in a healthier way probably also well but I think yes because a lot of people they tell their friends the bad and they don't always tell them they're good yeah so the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship or whatever situation that you're facing but we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from like I I may speak to my friends because I need to uh to vent at the moment or I want some feedback but I'm fully aware that they are not the end-all be-all to this that they may be speaking from their own hurt place I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of they're not they're not healed enough to give me full proper great guidance all right but they might give a perspective that I needed to look at and that's why I will still talk to them because I want to hear different perspectives I want to make sure I'm not missing any blind spots here all right so it's good to talk to different people but only if you understand how to not just take them as oh well my friend said this so this is it no your friend may be broken too and they're gonna lead you down or even more broken path exactly so the conversation the the conversations you have with some people they're not healed and they're not helping you fully uh because they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily maybe some of it is right but not all of it and not to mention it can happen in other ways as far as like I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship that they were unwilling to leave so now when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship is oh you know give them a chance oh you know cheating happens in every relationship they'll come up with all these validations to stay because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away so how they gonna tell you to do it all right now some people can do that some people can still tell you opposite of what they're gonna actually are willing to do but a lot of people on consciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things or how they have handled things all right so if it's I would leave because someone called me out there and out my name one time then I have to tell you that you've got to leave for that reason right I can't tell you to be considerate of what maybe it was a mistake maybe this can be fixed oh no no because I drew that line you need to draw that line a lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice so that's why you have to be very careful absolutely going to friends and family healing is again a lot of clarity comes through healing you'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place I think a lot of us myself included has stayed in relationships longer um than necessary because we haven't healed something yet and that's why we stayed in them so would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past the traumas of the past the Pains of the past are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize oh this isn't for me like I thought it was gonna work out but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work it's not working I'm willing to walk away would you say people healed are able to do that better absolutely yeah basically the more healed you become or when you have become healed your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished you don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer because now you see things so much clearer it's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy now you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach so your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there or at least it's diminished because now your body knows what healthy feels like all right so emotionally once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore you can't tolerate someone who does not want to face their issues you know it reminds me right now real quick of even when it comes to business or you know what even when it comes to Fitness a lot of people once they've achieved great success or once they've achieved uh giving that body they always wanted they look at those who do not have differently before they may have been in that pool of people that said my circumstances there's nothing I can do it's too hard but once you've achieved it and you knew what work it took to get there now I was like no you're just unwilling you don't have you don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for and so again when you become healthy your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues it's like no because I got past mine right I know what it takes I know you can get there if you're willing but so many are not willing let's say you're you got got in a relationship you got married you've been committed for a while and you neither of you have healed but then one of you decides you know what this isn't working I gotta heal the pain from the past they go on that Journey they get relief they find peace in their heart they're not triggered whatever it is they've started and have continually been on the healing process but the other person continues to be in their own dramatic past experiences what if they're not willing to heal would you recommend like is that where they should be able to work still are you able to find ways to say well we still love each other and we have a lot of chemistry and connection most the time what would you say about that if the other person's unwilling to heal I hate to say this but I have to be honest all right I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation all right I do think that we can take an approach that says let's see if we can work this out let's give them a little bit of Grace here and the main thing is can we achieve progress all right Rome isn't building a day and if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow but are you willing to at least start to walk on that path and make progress though I don't want to encourage divorce I don't I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to face their issues right if you have freed yourself from that you have healed they've got to be willing to make a move and here's the problem people people are afraid to heal or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal all right because you have to it's like I remember a quote I'm probably saying it wrong to heal you have to face the pain or you have to dive into the pain something like that all right so people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past it's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out and so now your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is greater than your fear of losing this person all right and they think because you're married to them you're not going anywhere stuck for life exactly so for that reason there that's not enough incentive to face Their Fear of facing their issues the only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce wow or is the actual divorce happening again it's not that I wanted to get to that point I hope and pray everyone can avoid that but the reality is some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table and that will be divorce in that situation so okay let's say someone's like you know what I feel like I'm good it's never been about me it's been about everyone else it's their problems that why the relationship doesn't work I gotta stop you real quick yes because this is like hitting my spirit I Gotta Give It To Me the other thing to consider is that some people will never change they will never heal and the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person and the only reason you got with them is because you were broken had you not been damaged in the first place then you may not be with this individual because you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place exactly and if you were healed you would have been your true self your true self may not have aligned with this individual no I'm not saying that there aren't some circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed I do think that's possible to happen but a lot of people I would argue the majority when you because I always say if you're not healed you are 99 likely to choose the wrong person so I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual and that's marriage relationship whatever because that Brokenness that damage attracted something else exactly and allowed you to tolerate it or it allows you to feel safer in that environment wow here's the thing that people don't realize when when you have not healed if you were to get with a healthy person it would essentially demand the view from the jump to basically heal or step your game up and again people are afraid to face their issues so to get with another broken person subconsciously uh it invalidates me staying broken it validates me not having to face my issues because now we all have issues you see as long as we all have issues I don't have to face mine but if you have corrected yours how can I validate my own and so you could have a parent that loves you with everything that they have but they only have this cup worth of love to give and you need the size of this table that's a mismatch right that's a mismatch you might be somebody who needed your parents to praise you and they weren't that type of person that's a mismatch

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 2,040,396

Keywords: Lewis Howes, Lewis Howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success habits, success, wealth, motivation, inspiration, inspirational video, motivational video, success principles, millionaire success habits, how to become successful, success motivation

Id: ofzTcfQBnWw

Length: 123min 0sec (7380 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 28 2022