Men Fall In Love (DIFFERENT From Women)! John Gray (Full Interview)

[Music] we want to delve into some topics about men and i want to start with this question which is kind of broad and just kind of take it from here and that is john in all of your years of work in working with individuals and couples what do you think might be one or two of the biggest like misunderstandings or misperceptions or things that women don't understand about men that would really help them overall in their relationships with men well right off the bat one of the things is to realize that men don't understand women when men say things and do things women interpret it as if he meant to say that hurt my feelings he just doesn't know how men and women are different and it's wonderful to have this conversation to explore and understand men better but the first step is to realize men don't understand women and second step is to realize that men react to things generally speaking very differently from women particularly when men are coping with stress ironically if you're like feeling really happy and fulfilled and your stress levels are alone you had a good night's sleep you made something good that day you say you're in balance men and women aren't that different because we tend to be you know very relatable i can relate to that i'm open to that but as soon as men and women start to experience stress or disappointment or frustration and that frustration could just simply be he doesn't know what she needs and that's very important if you recognize that somebody doesn't mean to do something it has a different reaction than you feel they purposely did it you know there was a study done on there's lots of studies on this but one was on uh in india on on boats now i remember being on china and i was on this lake and everybody tourists could go on a boat but we don't know how to drive boats you know they're slow moving boats but they don't turn quickly so without experience you can easily bump somebody's boat well if you bump somebody's boat nobody gets upset about it because we all know we don't know how to ride boats but if somebody knows how to drive a boat and they bump your boat then they did it intentionally then you have a big reaction so intention is really really key to how we react to each other and we have to realize that much of the time we think our partners are intentionally not being loving when actually they're just having a normal reaction that has nothing to do with you so we'll explore those different reactions as well but the key thing is they realize that men and women react differently to situations they have different priorities than each other for example to feel loved many men don't need a lot of affection instead they would want more sex if you just look commonly there's always exceptions to everything i say but men are designed to go for the sex to a certain extent more than women and women are going to go for more safety security affection warmth and men don't necessarily relate to that and now let's bring it down to a biological level the hormone that makes men feel good that creates well-being in men is testosterone he needs 10 times more than women and women need 10 times more estrogen than men now that's really important estrogen's more about feelings and emotions and intuition and relationship and testosterone is more about sacrifice uh overcoming hurdles solving problems facing challenges feeling successful so not that women don't thrive when they're successful they're making testosterone except women need to make more estrogen and estrogen can push testosterone down and testosterone can push estrogen down so they like a seesaw they balance each other and that's why i mentioned when we when we're kind of in balance within ourselves of the masculine qualities and our feminine qualities then men and women are pretty much able to relate to each other but when life throws us a curveball we're feeling stressed disappointed unhappy about something women have a primary need to produce more estrogen men have a primary need to produce more testosterone how do you produce testosterone if you're a man well one way is to disconnect from anything that produces estrogen which would be his girlfriend or his wife so that's called men's cave time and for women when she's experiencing stress to feel good one of the things that raises estrogen is connection talking sharing and he's pulling away from talking and sharing to feel better and she's wanting to talk more to feel better so without an understanding we end up stepping on each other's toes all the time and then we conclude it must have been intentional and we get upset rather than be understanding of nobody's meaning to upset each other and and our behaviors don't mean we don't love each other it's just sometimes we have to behave the way we need to behave for ourselves to feel good so that we can give more affection and warmth so bottom line i was about to say where women will want more affection why because biologically if she needs more estrogen by affection will increase the hormone called oxytocin which will then allow estrogen to go up and for men oxytocin doesn't increase testosterone so we don't have a drive towards oxytocin we can learn to do it as a way of connecting with a woman and if we realize that by connecting with her through affection we're actually helping her and making her feel good then we're being successful and then being affectionate can raise testosterone but a man has to understand he just doesn't understand how important affection is and women will often say well he was very affectionate in the beginning and i laugh and i say that's because he can only touch your shoulder and your hands and your head he's got his gradually get to the other stuff and then he thinks why touch the hands and the head and the shoulders you know what's the big deal with hugs but he can learn right well this is so fascinating john this is so fascinating i love that you started with this that men don't really understand women because here we're trying to understand men but if we understand that men don't understand women that's a real gateway isn't it it's a huge gateway because it realizes something very important you can't just expect a man to do all the things that you fantasize about but you can gradually train him to give you the kinds of things that you would like now some men come with training to a certain extent because they saw their fathers do it but when they didn't see their fathers do it then they may do the right things for a little while because it's it's biological that and logical for a man when he's first meeting a woman he's going to ask more questions you know he wants to get to know you but then once he gets to know you then why do i need to ask questions anymore what's in the beginning he'll do lots of little things he'll do compliments for example oh you look so beautiful oh i can't wait to see you again and then he stops but why does he stop because he's already told you that he likes you so why do i have to do it again and the third thing is why do i even have to tell you when my actions should reveal to you you know there's that old 60s song which is all in his kiss but it's actually in his actions what a man does says a lot more than what his feelings are for you if he's calling you up if he's planning dates if he's attentive to you he's interested okay he likes you but he may not want to say i like you and then ultimately comes that big question of some women will have well i really love him but he he doesn't say he loves me why doesn't he say he loves me or he's in love with me and men have a big stop sign quite often because we've been in relationships before and we felt love and we might have communicated love and then when the relationship ended uh the woman said but you love me as if saying i love you means i want to marry you it doesn't okay and and he knows that he may feel love but he doesn't want to say it because quite often when you say it his experience is many women will feel that you promised he didn't promise anything and we'll take it to a whole nother level of you know when it comes to sex quite often a woman now modern women a lot of them don't have this but still this pervades it's still out there is that if a man has sex with you then that must mean he's being monogamous with you and it doesn't mean that at all and it doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you because when we talk about understanding men men look it's like a part of our brain that regulates sex is very unconscious it's the one part of our body that's most vulnerable that we can't control it just happens and so it turns on and turns off and so therefore it's regulated by the unconscious mind and when the unconscious mind gets signals from a woman that she would be open to having sex with us or she's interested in having sex with us the unconscious brain suddenly creates sexual attraction with no filters no requirements it's just simply an available woman who's interested in us and depending upon what day of the week it is which is how horny we might be because we have certain needs to experience sexuality that we feel very strongly not all women do feel it so strongly what they'll do is when they feel safe when they feel a man is interested in her her estrogen levels will start to rise and then that puts her in the mood whereas so she has way more requirements now that makes sense doesn't it because if thousands of years if a woman would just have sex with anybody and have a baby well that wouldn't be smart you know you want to make sure you filter out all the guys that are not that interested in you to follow through as fathers if you're going to have a baby whereas today with birth control that that's women can say well that doesn't matter anymore except that we've got a whole hormonal system that's built up that adapted for civilization and evolution and so forth and so women have more requirements before they're going to feel sexual men have very few requirements to feel sexual except a green light and a green light in a place maybe right what was that again i said a green light and maybe a place a place you're right you'll find a place and it's it's not that we're all that superficial but the urges are that superficial they're unst they're animal okay we we're animals in a sense and not just men that women are animals too that most of our brain is monkey brain and then we have this human brain on top of it but the sex drive is activated from the most animal part of our brain the most unconscious instinctive part of our brain now certainly we can choose where we have sex and who we have sex with and you know for me as a an adult who's grown up and so forth a mature adult i would have many more requirements being in a monogamous relationship for 34 years you bond through love and through service and commitment such that you're not even turned on to any other women if they want to have sex with you or not because you bonded with your partner and why would i you know why would i eat at mcdonald's when i have steak dinner at home you know at home why do i have to go there if that's what what men wake up to as they mature is that the purpose of sex as a human not just a monkey the purpose of sex is to make love it actually allows you to bond more with your partner and women often feel a great need for love that they need love and and relationship and so forth particularly because those things produce estrogen but we know biologically when her estrogen levels go very very high then her testosterone levels will surge and then she feels a strong desire for sex which would be different in different women but it tends to be the prerequisite is high estrogen before the sex drive comes up and for men it's there's no prerequisite you know opportunity testosterone goes up so all of that to say just because a man wants to have sex with you doesn't mean he's at all interested in having a relationship with you and it's not like he's even pretending to want a relationship with you he's just not thinking in the future he's going like right now let's be in the moment let's love each other let's have sex together and he he might even feel why he's so aroused that he wants to marry you and this is you know i was just listening to a song about the fun things we did in las vegas and i even proposed to a woman the guy was saying because he was drunk but you when the estrogen levels through sex start to go high inside of men men can feel temporarily that they want to have a relationship but as soon as his testosterone drops right after sex uh then that all goes away so another thing about understanding men is when they're not having before they have sex with you that's the best time to get the bond because he's got this strong desire that's motivating everything but in the background and sort of moves them close to you and once he has sex with you it drops and sometimes it could be three or four times that weekend and you're all so excited and then he doesn't call you and you wonder what happened you didn't bond yet in the heart or in the mind there's nothing bonding you because once a man finishes sex the physical bonding is temporarily gone when he has the sex it goes testosterone goes way up but then afterwards it goes back down to baseline so you want to make sure watts at baseline that he's bonding with you and us by hearing you by liking you by respecting you by doing things for you and this is another key thing about men is when they do things for you that's how they bond with you is that your your response when your response to man is oh that really feels good or oh how wonderful oh i'm so happy to see you oh that movie was so great oh we had such a good time that's your response to him providing something for you that's how men bond it's a feeling of success and hormonally what's happening is his testosterone shooting up in your presence so if likewise if he doesn't feel successful with you he'll lose interest he has to get a response now the reason i say this is because many times women are trying to be successful in pleasing a man by doing things for him when really what you need to do that will help a man bond with you more is focus on your most authentic loving responses to what he says and does and i'm not saying fake it i'm saying your authentic loving responses and here's a few that will win every man over so listen up ladies when you're on a date and you're talking to him or you're married and your husband's talking before you say something of a different point of view if you have a different point of view and you should you know you shouldn't always just agree with everything they say differences is what creates attraction as long as the differences are not trying to put down or change or might be might sound like it's critical of him so the phrases are simply you listen you say well that's a good idea now you might be thinking that all the time but saying it is a big deal to a man just like a man might be thinking you know this is my wife i love her but doesn't always say to her so it's like you have to learn whenever you have these positive thoughts and feelings in response to him put them out it makes a difference that the phrase i'll give you three phrases make it simple but it could be more what a good idea that's one that makes sense have you ever seen a lot of men teachers they're always asking in their audience does that make sense does that make sense they're looking to get a boost of their testosterone you see they'll say does that make sense so don't wait for him to ask just say well that's a good idea that really makes sense oh you're right about that you see these are positive messages that trigger testosterone their message is it says you're a success a smile an authentic smile is really saying he's a success uh appreciation and so what you want to do is give him opportunities to do things for you which is why romance is men doing things for women so when he says what do you want to do you should let him know what you want to do if you say to him ah it's okay what do you want to do and he'll tell you and you'll do that and he'll he won't bond with you he bonds when he does something for you that's meaningful and also he'll bond even more if he doesn't does something for you he doesn't really want to do doesn't really like to do but he'll do it for you and then you're so happy about it you see if you look at men it's like men do challenging work and their self-esteem goes up men get paid for doing nothing a la a child of a rich parent they usually are spoiled can't make a commitment become drug addicts and become addicted to now they become addicted to porn and they're passive so this is you you want the man to sort of win you over and you should back off from trying to win him over now if you try to win him over he'll like it but he doesn't bond with you as one cartoon said is it really true if she's talking to the therapist is it really true that if i have sex right away with a man he'll like me less and he'll say well partially he'll like you less but he'll like himself more that's good true so he he has to do something to get in there so to speak and and and it's so much more meaningful to him and you don't lead them on and everything but at the same time and i'm not talking about playing games i'm talking about being authentic to yourself because quite often we lose our authenticity if we're a people pleaser to the extent that your father wasn't available to you either you're not interested in men which is not the people listening to this or you're a people pleaser it naturally happens and another sign if you're an extreme people pleaser because your dad was really not available to you you might have the tendency to get turned on right away to the wrong men and if you have a pattern of that getting turned on right away to men that you don't know and don't know you that's fantasy that's not real that's the same thing as male men being turned onto porn it's all just an illusion so it's like really you want to test the man before you let it become more intimate with him by revealing yourself first mentally you want to share your thoughts and so that's step two once you're making a man feel comfortable with positive comments like what a good idea that makes sense well you're right about that then when he's talking about something then you start practicing having a different point of view if you do and never hold back you see people pleasing is always trying to agree with others and say what they want to hear don't do that you see the more authentic you are and and sometimes that's called uh people would say oh you're being hard to get we're not talking playing games here we're just saying being honest but do it in a way that will work so that would look like having a different point of view after first telling him what a good idea he has and then saying i have a different point of view on it and expressing your point of view with no attachment to trying to change his point of view see that's the thing that is the failure of dating is the failure of marriage is that we can be different differences actually create attraction and we don't have to have sameness and this is the wrong direction we're all going in we're minimizing our gender differences for example or even in the dating process we're trying to please him and giving up our truth and our authentic feelings but so much of the time when you know i hear women who haven't been able to sustain a relationship with a man and i say well tell me some of the things that go on or i might be counseling them and they just feel like they have license to say whatever they feel and you just don't you know i mean in a setting you you feel what you feel and you speak what's appropriately true to you and take into consideration how that might sound to the other person and you can't just throw negativity out there as well you've got to be very careful about being respectful and appreciative of the other person being conscious of how what you're saying is going to sound to them and finding a way to say it in a way where you can be truthful and at the same time not sound critical not sound demanding not sound high maintenance you know but being authentically yourself so it's a dance here it's called maturity it's nuance and the simplest technique of nuance is before you say whatever you think or feel pat it put a buffer on it it's like a buffer you know it's like well i can see why you think this and that's a good idea completely i just have a different experience and so i feel this and this and this or i think this and this and this as i'm thinking of good little tips for you as well never ask a man how he feels it's just ask him what he thinks and when you feel you go to estrogen land and estrogen can lower testosterone in men or you might get a guy who just goes that says nothing to say and you want to create conversation and connection all you have to do is what do you think about that he'll have an answer right away and and particularly when you say how do you feel for many men it's just if they have nothing to say or they don't know how to say it and and and for women uh you say how do you what do you think and immediately he'll connect with you and that's what you're needing the most is to feel connection and he needs to feel connection to get notes get to know you as well he just connects by what does he think and you appreciating what he thinks uh he on the other hand i'd be telling him be sure to explore how she feels and and be attentive to how she feels and be validating to how she feels and being careful not to try to interrupt her with solutions now i reason i say that women is because you'll be talking to a guy he doesn't know everything i'm teaching here he's not trained uh so you'll be talking and he's gonna talk over you and you're gonna oh another guy talking over me but you have to realize he doesn't realize he's talking over you he doesn't realize he's telling you oh don't worry about that he's like a fireman get out of the house i'll solve it you know it was a good solution that's going to build his testosterone and you could easily take that it's like he doesn't want to hear me doesn't he doesn't respect me he thinks i couldn't come up with that solution myself uh you know i remember the beginning of my marriage with bonnie she was complaining about her job and i said oh honey you should just quit that job if you don't like it she looked at me like of course i like my job and of course i know i can quit my job what i want then i'm thinking why are you telling me about why bad how bad your job is you know you might call it chit chatting talk sharing feelings how you want to do it but it's a way of connecting and relating to each other in different ways men do not instinctively understand that and the men that are really good at that they're going to overtalk you and they're they're oblivious of how they're throwing the polarity off in the relationship and then you'll be oh he just cares about himself or he's so needy uh he's so self-obsessed so when he's talking in you're at the same time training him to be that way by showing interest and what are you feeling and why else do you feel that way and you'll keep asking him it's amazing how good women are at interviewing they can just you know because they want to feel that connection there's two ways to connect and this is a wonderful metaphor it's very very primal i can here's a a poker and here's a hole okay and this is how we connect right we all understand that now i can be this and connect with you that way or i can be this and you can connect with me that way but that's going against your biological hormone system and what that means i haven't explained it is when you're listening if you're sharing over here and i'm listening what am i doing i'm going deeper and deeper into you i'm penetrating you so when a man is listening to you he's actually going on his male side and connecting to his own female side through you by relating to you that's what you want to create if you're over here as the female going to his male side then he's going to go to his female side and where'd his male side go he can't connect to his male side through you right man so there's a there's a wisdom there's a power of heterosexual relationship where he gets to grow and this is my experience i've never heard anybody teach this because nobody's a gender master they haven't missed spent 40 years of their life teaching gender so you know this is like really understanding men is to realize men can go to their female side and whine and complain and have addictions when men are all have addictions it's low testosterone and always high estrogen they're going to see the estrogen is produced when you're dependent on something outside yourself to feel good you're dependent on something outside yourself to give you pleasure that's all estrogen stimulating now i want estrogen i just need to have a lot more testosterone if i don't have a lot more testosterone then i become addicted i become overly dependent on things that aren't good for me i also have negative emotions all negative emotions in men are when their estrogen levels are surging and their testosterone is low when a man has high testosterone he can also have high estrogen as long as it stays his authentic level of testosterone that's a romantic man see a romantic man is you know i'm doing business i'm mainly doing my male side i'm mainly doing testosterone you know you're you're not always thinking i love this person you're right right i'm not in love with him and share my life with it right so i'm on my male side but i anticipate coming home to my wife and my family or if i'm single i'm going on a date so just anticipating that keeps me human and in terms of having testosterone and some estrogen in my body and this is what we need relationships help men become more what i told bonnie when i married her i said after a few months i said you know you've given like a color to my life it was i wasn't even aware my life was like black and white you know it was solving problems but women bring a whole bouquet of flowers and colors and and look at the little things that we'd go on walks and she'd be loving nature now i love nature it grew on me and what that means and this is the point i was just making through relating with her while she was seeing me as a successful husband all right so she's seeing me as a successful husband so my testosterone is high and i'm listening to her and connecting with her and doing things for her because she has different needs for me like sex going slow in sex being attentive in sex being affectionate and sex saying things like i love you you're so beautiful see men will say that once and they don't know you say it every time you know a minute like a caveman when it comes to sex or animal whatever you know you need to like oh you know it once you get to a more intimate level in the bedroom you want to be able to have conversation otherwise men are just lost in the lower part of their brain but it goes to you know do you love me do you like me tell me what you like oh i really enjoy this a little conversation and sex can keep him in his human side while he's also making love to you it's a much richer whole experience so there's there's there's uh so much about through relationship a man can find his softer side we'll call it that way his vulnerable side his emotional side his tender side his loving side he can find it if he feels successful if he doesn't feel successful in the relationship then he goes over to his tender loving side and for a little while that's good but his male side's going weaker and weaker and weaker and then he becomes addicted to negative emotions he gets addicted to uh over over well drugs of course in porn you become overly addicted to these things and he just gets passive so you see what's happening in the younger generation so much all this passivity because the masculinity on our planet is so much weaker the young 21 year olds their testosterone levels are 20 percent lower than 30 years ago wow this is a phenomena that's happening today and we need to build men up you know we've been building women up and that's good you know women need to have freedom and support now we have to learn how to use that power that you have women to provide the kind of support that will bring forth the power in a man just to real briefly point out another gender difference and again these are always extremes to be able to talk about it as human beings we are blend of both but when men go too feminine then you that's when you feel they're needy they're overly emotional they're too demanding they're irritable uh or they lose interest in you okay so part of when a man goes too far to his female side he doesn't have the masculine confidence to bond with you instead he ends up just feeling dependent on you for pleasure and sex and now he's on his female side so he'll go off and and lower testosterone he needs a new woman that will give him a bump because a new relationship does stimulate a bump in testosterone in men that's all about dopamine most people now know dopamine gives you pleasure and motivation and so forth and clarity and focus all these kind of good things from dopamine and newness that you know meet a new woman a new challenge will give you a spike of dopamine and that will raise his temporary his testosterone temporarily which is why porn for example men will go men who do a lot of porn they they have statistics on them they'll let they'll last eight minutes the whole thing they go online it's eight minutes of porn and they're done and it's what's very funny is these uh uh hotels have porn in them and they say oh you know here's our porn prices but you can get unlimited porn uh the whole night through you can have uh for an additional fee they know that it's gonna be eight minutes then it turns off okay that's how i've been last and that's to find it to do it and to be done with it and they rarely do they go back to the same woman and that's because they didn't bond with a real person first of all and second they didn't bond mentally they don't feel supported mentally they don't give support mentally having conversation you know who are you what do you think how do you relate to the world what are some of your life experiences how are you what are your values you know this is all bonding with resonating with someone and you like them and ironically you like them because they're different from you now that's very interesting because you look at uh there was a funny seinfeld episode once where seinfeld you know is always looking for love and he finds this woman and they're in this great relationship he's talking to george and he says you know we broke up he says what you broke up i thought you really liked her a lot he says yeah she can finish every joke we never argue we're just alike but then i realized i don't want to be with myself all the time that's why i want to be with a relationship right who awakens inside of us something different from who we are in a sense um men sort of have a built-in uh selfishness which is you know i have to take care of myself so that i can take care of others so that's what really it's about it's like if you really look at it from a higher point of view who are the men who dedicate themselves to the army mainly and be selfless in that way they give their lives for their family they do the dirty jobs they do difficult jobs you know this is masculinity because that's what builds testosterone but you also before you can give to others you have to first give to yourself you know that's the old thing on the airplane you know before you put the mask on your child you have to put the mask on yourself first and men are very good at that we have an instinct that says okay do i have what i need to get to my goal and women often see that as selfishness not understanding that that man who wants to take care of himself actually it's it doesn't mean he's selfish but he does need to have a job to do so you have to keep giving men jobs to do if they don't have a job to do or job instructions which is part of what my books provide is he doesn't know what to do when he doesn't know what to do testosterone goes down estrogen goes up and so he doesn't have motivation he becomes passive then he goes to something that will give him a burst of testosterone which would be depending on porn or depending on the alcohol depending on uh watching tv oh and another one as to playing the games now you know a little bit that is fine that's called relaxation time but ultimately what builds testosterone is when my choices my decisions my behaviors contribute to others and i did it so that's a sense of independence independence produces testosterone dependence produces estrogen now i know a lot of women go whoa i don't want to be so dependent on a man that's not a good thing no to be fully dependent on somebody is not a good thing that's why we have the potential today and have the best relationships ever as women can be more financially independent then they can balance that with the part of them that wants to be dependent on another for for the bonus you know men think of men as desert well if i said to women if i told a bunch of men in front of women men just think about your wife as dessert a lot of some women would be a little offended by that but i said that you studied audience which i do a lot of the audiences you know women just think about men you know you're the main meal you you have your life and what a man does is he's dessert think of him as just dessert and all the men go yeah give me give me don't put it all on me you know just let me do the good stuff so to speak which is provide a higher level of happiness so the theme that men would love to hear from you is that you're a happy woman you're a fulfilled woman but you're happier spending time with him you're happier with him see that's what he needs to hear is that you can be happy but you can be happier with him and there's a million ways to demonstrate that but there's a million ways not to demonstrate that is when you put too much on a man to make you happy because you're unhappy and you make him responsible i'll say it again when you're unhappy and you make him responsible you're going to knock down his testosterone when you're unhappy he makes you happy yes his testosterone will go up but a healthier version of it is you're going to be more fulfilled in your life and you look to him for maybe one-tenth of your happiness but it's the best part of it it's the extra it's the growth part is to grow in love through intimacy and through sharing and through connecting and to keep in mind that as you become deeper in love because some of you are dating a guy and you're getting closer getting married and you want to how do i get them to marry me whatever patience but also to know sometimes you have to tell him i i i'm on a clock here for some of you on the clock and i love you i wish it could be you but it doesn't look like you're interested in that and i'm not going to make you wrong for that and i'm not going to pressure you in now but i just want you to know that i'm starting to close down and and i want i want more than anything for it to be you but also have other things i need and if i want to have a child or i don't want to wait around for you i'm going to move on even though i think you're the best catch in the world so you see you have to save both things and then you have to give it some space for him to make a decision on his own to do something because you don't want to be the one who said he should do something and he doesn't want to be the one that you said you should do this it should be always people's choice but you have to inform him and you do it in such a way that always makes him feel that he's a great guy because that's you know that's the key to a man being attracted to you and the next thing to say on this matter is i'm thinking of little tips along the way understanding men is if you're at a restaurant with another woman and and the food is too cold the soup is cold you're gonna have a whole conversation with your girlfriend about how bad that soup is it's overpriced and you got a better recipe and why are all these people coming this restaurant anyway and and we shouldn't come here i don't think we should give him a tip you know anything like that you're having this conversation with another girlfriend you're going to connect through that it's a shared experience but you don't understand when you have that conversation with a man he feels like a failure see he's going to shut down he's going to think oh you're high maintenance even if everything you're saying is reasonable there's a time and a place to be reasonable a time to be romantic so just don't even talk much about the soup or not make a big deal out of it but he's gonna say and by the way i just said a magic million dollar phrase right there the best phrase you can ever use with a man it's not a big deal but i think i'd rather something else okay it's not a big deal the other day when you called me i thought you're gonna do this you didn't i was a bit i was a bit disappointed what i really would love is this always follow what you like and what you really love and i know you didn't mean to do that it's not a big deal see that phrase is not a big deal is so potent because emotions negative emotions which are in the tone of your voice say this is a big deal and whenever you see a man this is a big deal you you inflate you inflate it up he will minimize it that's just the way life is if somebody goes up the other person is going to get defensive and minimize and bring it back to what he considers to be reasonable and not emotional and ultimately if something is purely reasonable it has no emotion at all just as pure emotion has no reason at all you want to find reasonable emotions and my reasonable emotions and my world at least the way i look at it it's only positive emotions those are the ones that are really reasonable i mean you can be disappointed about things but it's not a big deal you know the old book it's uh don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff yeah that's really really great little piece of information there so if you just sell it's not a big deal it's not this a man will hear it and he'll remember it and he'll take it to heart he wants to please you he wants to be the best guy ever and so you don't give him negativity if you can avoid it that's the whole key i'm saying because women will not even being aware of it you know because if i go to a movie i bring my wife to a movie if she loves the movie i feel like i wrote that movie i directed the movie that's how good i feel and if she points out how bad it was and how terrible it was and it's kind of like i'm not matted or anything but i just get kind of deflated for the evening my testosterone levels have kind of dropped down yeah so this it's not a big deal as an example of a buffer phrase right that brings the whole that brings the whole level of what's coming out of a woman's mouth down to an uh level where he can hear it and not feel defensive about what she's saying exactly exactly and and you know the whole dynamic and i want to emphasize it again because it was wonderful that you pointed that out and i mean we'll often say to women you know what do you want to do what do you want to do yeah what do you want to do what do you want to do i don't know what do you want to do so he does that they reinterpret it he does it because he wants to do something for you and now what do you say in response is what a woman would generally say in response is like i don't know what do you want to do because you're being the people pleaser it should relationships particularly for bonding in the beginning should be more about what he does for you and less about what you do for him and ironically i use emphasis on what you do for him it's more about how you respond to what he does for you how you with buffers let him know what you want to do and here's a way to do that because he doesn't want to feel like you're controlling him you don't want to feel like you're controlling him and so that's often why you'll say he'll say what do you want to do you don't say anything and then you say what do you want to do and then he's not going to feel controlled and he's going to go off and do something he wants to do and he didn't bond with you he's off having a good time doing what he normally does you want him to step out of his comfort zone into your world and see that he can provide something for you that he wouldn't even think of and women have it all background he's like he's supposed to have the magic hat on and know exactly what you need and so forth and yes granted that is quite wonderful when a man has figured out what you might want need because he heard a little thing that you said and then he comes back and it says he heard you it says you're important that's very romantic absolutely no doubt about it but he's not going to be able to do that every every week okay right right we got to get practical with this and realize the romance will occur as your estrogen levels go up and your estrogen levels will go up not because he figured out what to do for you but because you let him know what you wanted to be done and he was happy to provide it his happiness to provide but even to make it better never tell him what you want tell him three things that you want and ask him to pick okay he'll say what do you want to do well you know we could we could go for the park you know we could go for a walk in those woods we you know the symphonies in town that's one symphony i really just love it's fantastic you pick whatever you want to do but he's picking whatever he wants to do that will make you happy so he's assured wow this is great i know what to do to make her happy i can pick this all three things would do it and he gets to take credit for it because if he chooses he and delivers he gets full credit and this is big deals to men you know it's like what result that was i successful was i not successful the flip side of this is you know i was playing one of my anniversaries and i do a big deal on birthdays and anniversaries and on on valentine's day you know those are that's big things okay but you know just ongoing things every week how do you score out of the park well you do what she would like to do that she likes to do so i i was doing one of those anniversary actually this was her turning 50 back in those days so she turned 50 and i created a whole weekend in some other country with our children and got a great deal on the place and i did two things one is i made sure she saw me doing it because as a man i wanted to see i put some effort into this because when you give a man a task and he puts effort into it your estrogen goes up and his testosterone goes up he's doing something for you it has to be within his realm of what he can do we don't want to knock him and put him down but he has to stretch him a little bit so anyway i i brought her to this thing and got t-shirts everybody mom's take picture on the t-shirts and 50th birthday and everybody's there and then we come back and probably for about six months she would tell people about this this event and people would say well how'd you find that place wow and she would always say john found it he spent the whole weekend doing it so it was it was literally i got to take credit for it because i delivered it she however i said what are three places you'd like to go and she gave me the three but because i picked i got to have credit for it same thing with movies you know it's just like well how did you know about that movie well john picked it she can say john picked it and i get credit even though she was hinting around with this and this and this and while i say that other thing which is hinting around i'm reminded of another thing that happens where you end up feeling unloved and unsupported as a woman in a relationship because you'll have these discussions about what to do and you'll hint you kind of say i really like this and like that what do you like and he says well i really like going to see this movie you know i like to go to the sporting event or i'd like for us to just stay home and watch tv right you'll go okay because she's a people pleaser you know she wants to please him we're going to do what you want and he'll do that for the rest of your relationship and you'll start feeling like he never cares about me he cares about you this is the guy who gives his life for you doesn't mean he doesn't care about you it means you didn't speak up and say hey last time we did that this time i'd really like to do this or we could do this or we could do this what do you think okay will you pick what do you think there we go what do you think yeah yeah and and i think the other piece that you already mentioned here that's good to put the accent on too is when you get when you share what you'd like give him those three choices he gets to pick he gets credit for picking and executing it and then he gets that appreciation and that acknowledgement that becomes a big win-win for both sides which is really the kind of relationships we all want absolutely and he's getting he feels i feel appreciated when you're appreciating somebody as a woman how do you feel well that's when you're happiest you're right i'm appreciating and you're accepting what is and it strengthens your ability to overcome some of our frustrations and difficulties is you know what i've noticed that men just i'm going to bring it back to understanding men men don't know that you could be bothered about something and that you could let it go five minutes later he just doesn't know that you want to give him almost certain at that terminology at times he's like yeah i was upset for a little while then i realized and i remembered all the wonderful things you do for me and it just went away see you have to explain women to him because he does not back to our first point he does not understand women you could be upset about something and he will try to he will defend himself to death but you're making a big deal out of it or but that's not exactly what happened but i didn't say that you know you go into this if you if you sort of just within yourself you know it's not a big deal that's one way of lightning and another is you know i just need to talk about this for a few minutes and i'll be done with it you know and and another thing in passing you say you know the other day when you said this i was inside i was hurt you know it's not really a big deal but i needed some time and then i started thinking about all the wonderful things for you and i just let it go you know sometimes my emotions just grip me and and and i i just needed a little time to let it go and then i started remembering all the amazing things you do and then say out loud some of the amazing things he does for you it's just like you drove all that way to pick up that thing for me and you you know you brought me to the restaurant the other day and uh you empty the trash i didn't have to bother you about it you know it's just like just the little things that he does say it out loud and that's a good time to say it out loud it's kind of like yeah i was bothered by something you know i was starting to think about it and i realized wait a second you do all these wonderful things for me then he starts getting an inkling of what do you how do you process things what do you think about things and he starts to realize why i sure should keep doing a lot of little things for her otherwise she's uh she'll have reasons to not like me so so this is how how you have to sort of gradually educate a man into what matters for you in a way with isn't trying to say you should do this you should read john gray's book you should take you know that men should do this and you're my husband you should do this that's not going to work with him just as it doesn't work for a husband to say to us why you should read john barry's book and you should do this and you should do this you should do this but having said that i'm sure many women who maybe have never read men from ours are like thinking wow this is some good information how do i get him to read it you know exactly exactly i bet you've had more than one woman say to a man you should read john gray's book all right you read john christ's book you're the one that needs to do all the work and change it that's right that's right so that never works but you you can use your subtleties there's nuances here you could you could just maybe even have men from mars on the bookshelf and he'd never read it but you could take the new book which is beyond mars and venus that we're kind of talking about here and and you say you know i was reading john gray's reasonable book and he he wrote this chapter on uh how many women are different and and uh many more testosterone and they need cave time can you can you look at that one little section and tell me if you think that's true um and then he now he's looking at the book to see if it's true because he's the expert now i love it i love it that is a great tip john i love that and that's only if they haven't read men if they've already read men from ours and forgotten about it the but if you haven't read men from mars that's just so classic if you go to the chapter on men go to their caves every man will relate to that you say you know he's talking about men and women and he's so right on when he talks about me then he talks about men and i just don't i i need to look a little feedback on this is this will you read this section about man and tell me if it's true so he becomes the the expert because he's a man you should know whether it's true or not and and then he'll look at it and go i like this guy i like this guy also i've got that ted talk i've done a few but the best one is uh in the red shirt and it's i think it's mars brain venus brain something like that but it's really funny men like humor they need to lighten up it's not a big deal we just don't know better we have to you know you have to give them an out when anybody has an out and it's kind of like the whole concept of instead of punishing people for giving people and learning lessons and and that's what makes relationships great is we learn to do that and ultimately it's realizing we don't know what we really don't know we're doing we don't really understand each other but we think we do okay and we think they should know that's yeah we started out with is this is this in part this might be an obvious question but i have to ask it is this in part because we expect that men think like us or feel like us or are going to respond like us and vice versa men think women are going to think and respond like them i mean that may seem like an obvious question but is that part of the challenge we have that's chapter one and men are from mars women are from venus it's the whole premise of this is how we tend to misinterpret each other uh is because we tend to have different reactions and we think we if we're not we don't really feel that different because we're connecting so how could you react like that how could you say something like that how could you be light about that how can you be so heavy about that why are you complaining about that you know we have different reactions to things and in minute for mars i just said it's because we're different it's like we're from different planets now and this book is great which is uh i brought it into the biology i mean literally every difference i talked about in a minute from mars you can now explain it happens because when she does this to him like for example when he interrupts her and wants to give her a solution why is he doing that does he does he think that you can't solve it yourself does he think that you're inadequate does he not care about you is does he put himself above you no it's if there's a problem and and you're talking about it his job is to solve the problem so his in solving problems will increase testosterone in him so that's what feels good is to give solutions so what we're always going to move towards what feels good and if you're a woman and your husband seems to be ignoring you and neglecting you you want to talk and you want to talk about maybe there's not that many good things to talk about in your mind so you start talking about problems you want to connect what does he think what's he feel what's going on he's like thinking why are you complaining to me why aren't you happy don't you see all the things i've done for you and so you would learn that if a woman is stressed she needs to talk about problems and that if she's not stressed she'll talk about how wonderful things are and men love to hear that for sure but if you're stressed your brain and this is unique to women more than men under moderate stress you'll have 10 times more bias of looking at negative things than positive things now men under big stress like big big problems they can't solve then a brain a man's brain will go into a bias of seeing everything that's wrong but a woman will go into that with little levels of stress at the adrenaline level which means is a problem let's talk about it and so the brain will start focusing on negative things but if she talks about it and somebody listens without trying to change her or fix her but just connects with her by listening then her estrogen levels will go up her test her stress levels will go down men don't know that they just don't know they think if you're unhappy in any way we'll talk you through it by telling you you're wrong and that is logical from one point of view if you're just a logical being but we're not just logical beings we tend to be emotional beings as well both men and women it's just that the emotions for a woman are highly important for her to regulate stress levels and detachment from emotion is the best way the fastest way for a man to rebuild his testosterone it's not the only way it's the best it's the best way easy way it's just that's why i call cave time just do something that doesn't involve your wife okay that makes you happy and don't do it too long okay because then you can become overly dependent on that like don't play games too long don't watch a football game for two once plenty and once a week you know you don't do this every day otherwise you get too dependent on something outside yourself and that produces estrogen that lowers your testosterone what happens when men have low testosterone and they don't know this about themselves okay i'm explaining it to men just like i explained to women how they can cope with stress why they do things we don't have this knowledge yet about ourselves a man just wants to go watch tv and he doesn't want to talk to you why is he doing that his body actually needs to disconnect from anything which would be emotional about love and he needs to pull back and then uh relax and when he relaxes after working hard it will rebuild his testosterone it feels good but if he doesn't work hard and he just relaxes all the time he doesn't have testosterone but the brain is confused see men don't know we just don't understand ourselves so science comes along helps us understand this you don't your relaxation will not rebuild testosterone if you didn't use it up by solving problems fixing things challenges setting goals uh postponing gratification these are all the the male qualities and and you know to go more into that i've got this book beyond mars and venus where i explain attitudes and behaviors that stimulate testosterone attitudes and behaviors that stimulate estrogen and men do not understand how they they sort of unconsciously do these things and now if a man spends too much time with a woman here's something else you need to learn about men if he spends a lot of time with you his estrogen levels are going to go up because he's thinking about you he's caring about you he's trying to do the right thing he's depending on your appreciation to feel good basically and that's intimacy for him so he's spending too much time with you his estrogen levels are going very high then he's going to become very bored with you and disconnect from you and think he doesn't like you anymore because he doesn't know that it's a natural thing for him to withdraw if he spends too much time on his estrogen side he'll tend to just pull away and what she doesn't understand about men is that when he pulls away the worst thing you can do is try to connect with him you need to disconnect with him and connect with somebody else okay you need to have this sense of a life where when he pulls away he's only a tenth of your life you know 90 is your your life's going on and while he pulls away you send them little pictures of yourself if you're dating hey just thinking about you had such a fun time and i'm over here having a good time and or you could ask them that's called uh uh fyi you just send a little text a picture just put yourself in his awareness without demanding more from him you don't want to go after him when he pulls away you don't realize that because quite often women if you pull away you're wanting him to show his love and pursue right you know this is like it's like a little testing and testing is a feminine thing you do you shouldn't be ashamed of it whatever because women you know before you're going to get pregnant with somebody you want to make sure they're the right guy instinctively there's all these tests that you put does he really care about me does he love me does he like me he doesn't think about all that kind of stuff you know he might be thinking about am i going to make money am i going to be successful with this am i going to get laid you know he's thinking about a goal but she's looking about requirements so this testing insecurities are much stronger and they go along with estrogen and when the estrogen levels are low your insecurities will be much much higher when your estrogen levels go high and you're feeling supported then you have huge confidence okay that that's when you're going to be happiest is when your estrogen levels are rising and you have support there that i can depend on others and they have my back that's why in the business world we're gradually creating a business world which is more supportive of the female side of us all and that means teamwork teamwork where i feel that i don't i i have the support of other people at the same time men will have a greater need for feeling independent on a team like okay we're on a team but i'm the quarterback or i'm a team and i'm the end i have my role and i get acknowledged for that part of it whereas for women it's like we're all together here we're sharing this process and so we're trying to bring these two worlds together we're also trying to do that politically where you know we go from one extreme to the other you know we don't you know you have homeless people in the street we don't want to ignore them uh we want to do something for them but we don't want them to control us you know if i throw a bag out of my car i can get fined 500 and by the by the they can go live on our parks and and nothing happens you know so but we that would be like okay so throw them away no find out the problem try to help them solve the problem but don't let them create a problem for everybody else and then there's this side of capitalism so you got this let's take care of everybody's basic needs but it should be basic needs give them a hand up but there's another part of us that's the male side of us that thrives on accomplishing and achieving and being rewarded for that achievement which means if i have more ambition i should make more money if i'm more accomplished you see it's not like everybody gets the same in this world we're all different life doesn't thrive in that situation if everybody's getting the same but everybody should be treated with respect and there should be opportunities you see this is the male and female energies and because they're so confused right now in our relationships and it's very confusing you know there's so much division today and that's because on a basic level mom and dad need to be connected we've got a whole generation of kids who don't even know their fathers 73 of black boys don't even know their fathers they have been absent gone and so they have a mother a boy ideally has a mother who likes men and loves men and then you're a male you're gonna feel like oh i could be that guy you know and a girl growing up in a family without a father how could she ever trust men you see this these are things we have to learn so and i'm addressing this from the point of view of if you grew up in that kind of a situation where mom and dad weren't happy you're gonna have to learn new relationship skills and the person you're with is going to have to learn new relationship skills and that's a journey so you need good guidance you need good guidance and the last thing i'm going to say because i know you're going to bring a lot of other experts on this whole thing and everything experts say i want to suggest that you take it with a great grain of salt even what i say because these things can be easily misinterpreted and i have a thing about people who men talking about men because i don't think men understand themselves at all quite often it's like i remember once uh a magazine article said single women here you get to find out what men and women men what what are men really thinking from uh 30 30 different eligible bachelors in their 30s is what are men thinking from men who've been married who are in love who can make a commitment because and i read that i just laughed i said these all men they're single they're going to stay single and you're going to get to know how they think and that way they think is going to keep them single you have to understand how men speak for men who actually love women commit to women and learn how to have good relationships with women and that's a rare thing so you know michelle your program here is so so needed to bring in different experts in these different uh presentations that you're going to help people with and i always happy to be a part of it oh thank you so much john can i ask you one last question can i rewind to something you said at the early part of the interview and ask you another question about this certainly when you were talking about how men when men have sex with a woman and they they're not necessarily mean that they want a relationship with you or that they want to marry you or that they love you and that if that happens early on they may not have had an opportunity to bond with you in other ways emotionally psychologically mentally um so for women because i know the women in my audience the vast majority of the women want a loving committed partnership relationship or marriage how do how do women maneuver in that situation because i think there's a lot of confusion and there's a lot of pressure even on in terms and a lot of different different advice on how and when to have sex or how to communicate again about that i guess i'm asking do women have a conversation with a man about what he wants before they get involved with them sexually what's the what's the way to navigate this for women that want a loving committed partnership type relationship well it's a big question there's a lot a lot of long answers to that i'm going to try and say as short as i can here there's so much pressure on women to have sex right away and there's also more pressure than ever for men to have sex right away men have always felt an internal pressure to have sex but it wasn't so much tied to our ego as it is now because the appearance is that all men are having sex right away and therefore if you don't get laid you know when i was a teenager if you didn't get laid or a young man that would be well not everybody's getting laid but it appears to be that everybody's getting laid that's not the truth but it does appear that way and males hear that and why aren't they scoring if they don't score it's a blow to their ego and as i've been saying a blow to the ego is he wasn't successful he testosterone goes down he tends to not bond all right so so you you want him to be successful and what he thinks would make him feel so successful is to be like all the other guys are getting sex on the first day and there's no doubt about it it's going to feel really good there's no question about it for him not all women are going to feel that great with it but they're going to you know feel happy that they pleased him and whatever and they're thinking that maybe we'll have a good relationship and i don't want to sabotage having a relationship and some women might be just tend to be more sexual and so she'll have a more a fun time and so it's a fun time but it's not going to turn into a long-term relationship that's what you have to know is that when men ejaculate they detach dramatically and if there's nothing sticking them in their mind and in their heart and some positive experiences together where he felt successful he'll feel successful in the bedroom up until after the ejaculation after the ejaculation what happens is his testosterone goes down there'll be a slump and he it literally well you can see what happens after you have sex he rolls over he's gone he pulls away and and for many women he doesn't call back and so forth because there wasn't a bonding beforehand to where uh you know a funny joke about this is and actually it was in a row reverse it was a 65 year old woman with a 30 year old guy in a movie and she's you know horny and which happens for women as they get over the hill uh the the menopausal thing is if they haven't balanced their female side then they become like men and and they just want to have sex with anybody if some women are that way uh not all but so here she is she just wants to have sex and and kind of like a one-night stand with this guy and and he's talking to her you know and she says don't speak don't speak you'll ruin everything you've got a gorgeous body that's all i want right right keep your mouth shut and it'll kill the romance that's right so what you want to do is make sure that you're talking and you're being your complete self and it may kill the romance if it kills the romance thank goodness he was the wrong guy now the second part of this is what you can say so you might be kissing and touching and being close and it feels really really good and then he wants to do the whole thing because him once it starts it goes and maybe for you as well once you start you go but you realizing it doesn't work okay you want to bond more and you don't want to have to give them a lecture on what men don't know about themselves that's not going to work either but you can tell him what he doesn't know about you and what you can say is oh this feels so good this feels so good i have to go slow though i have to go slow and he says but why don't you want to oh yes oh yes i want to but i have to go slow and then we should say good night or we should go go watch a movie we should go get out of the room get get moving don't just stay there have a big conversation kissing and then stop we need to stop i love the kissing i love the kissing but i don't want to go you know it's like first spray second base third base you know that old-fashioned thing i'm kind of an old-fashioned girl you can say that by the way i need to go slow but why but why he wants to know his job is to convince you you know that's right pursuing he's pursuing he's doing his job and you just say yeah yeah i i want to go too and then he said but why not i need to go slow why then you say because when we do it it will be so fantastic and if we do it sooner it won't be as fantastic for me or not that's one another one is i just know when i have sex with somebody then i start feeling needy like i have to have a relationship and and and and i don't want to be that way okay so i know what happens to me after i have sex and i get needy or i want more and i i'm just wondering exactly who you are you see these are somewhat flattering statements to him along along with a big no and the big key there is how you would say it for your personality the key in there is to say yes i can't wait to have sex with you yes my body wants to have sex with you right now my mind's telling me i need to go slow and i know it's going to be fantastic but why do you need to go slow well you know sometimes i get needy or whatever but i i know i really want to do it just not yet and he'll go with that because you you satisfied his basic need is to feel that he's got you wanting to have sex with him now i didn't know that until it happened to me where i was teaching my wife you know my wife would say yes to everybody then she'd get overwhelmed and i said honey you just have to practice saying no and you know you can do it nice ways by saying i'd love to i can't but with me i just want you to practice just saying no as rudely as possible i'm a tough guy i can handle it i'm going to ask you to do stuff and you just say no i'm going to say i'm not gonna ask any questions afterwards i'm not gonna make you feel bad you should practice saying no it's really a good skill and so that night i was making some moves for sex and she said no i said what do you mean no because no i said why she said well i'm practicing oh honey can't we just practice on everything else other than this she said no because this is the thing i know you want most anyway and we didn't have sex and i was perfectly fine i felt like i'd had sex with her because she basically said that she wanted to have sex with me because i asked her i said so if we weren't playing the game you'd want to have sex with me and she said of course i love sex with you that's what i needed to hear and that's what a man needs to hear he doesn't actually have to have the act of it and but his job is to persist so you have to assertiveness technique is just simply repeat repeat repeat don't say anything more than i i know i love to i get it sex is wonderful i can't wait to have sex with you but i need to go slow and then you'll satisfy that pressure he has to score so it would well we didn't have sex but she wanted to yeah yeah and then he doesn't feel rejected and then also a woman can be in tune with what feels right for her she's not she's not giving it out of pressure or out of obligation or or out of trying to manipulate or control what's happening in the relationship you know and something i've said in your other other interviews i just want to say again it's just when you're dating right now navigating this whole thing it's good not if you're a woman it's good not to pursue men that you're more interested in them than they're interested in you you need to continually watch that if you're ever more interested in him then he's interested in you you're going to be trying to get him to like you and that is going to keep him from liking you the dance between men and women is she gives signals and then he says if you pursued me i would be open i would be interested and then he takes his step and then there's an opening and he takes another step and there's a little reciprocity but never pursuing him more than he pursues you and and you know you see some guy you go i want to be with him how do i get to be with him whatever and he's not putting out signals that he's thinking about you you can put yourself in front of him in some way but let him know you're available that's it there'd be some possibility because a lot of men today they're still on their female side they're insecure you know it used to be just twirled your hair and a guy went hey how you doing there girl but men are insecure now and they for a lot of practical reasons as well as impractical reasons their testosterone's just so low uh and so they're not they're not you know when i was a little guy you know i was always afraid of approaching the girl i wanted to have sex with because i felt a little guilty just wanting to have sex with her because that's my instincts were saying boy i want to see what's under the clothes and then i felt guilty about that so i didn't pursue her and and but i would have friends with girls but the girls i really liked and that's what you have to know about men today as well is sometimes the one they really are interested in they don't approach her because he also feels this sexual drive and your pig if you want to have sex you know that it's you know it's a lot of confusion and all this stuff so but for women the key is absent father daddy issues and all that stuff tends to cause you to be turned on right away to the man who's the wrong guy for you uh it really you want to first ultimately not that everything turns out this way but you want to go through your filters and your mind you feel connection and excitement to be with him he's interesting he's brilliant he's charming he's uh makes you feel curiosity and you want to get to know him and you also want him to know you there's a knowing of who this person is then there's a emotional surge in response to him doing things for you so he does things for you and and you accept it and you appreciate it and you find that you're happy around him he makes you feel delighted that's called becoming mentally naked and emotionally naked then physically naked and that won't happen if you're trying to pursue him and so a way to start with all these ideas is you're going to be taking this whole course with michelle so many things to learn start dating men who are more interested in you than you're interested in them that frees you from any people pleaser part of you because that just comes in automatically it's like an instinct so he's interested in you you've practiced the new skills of being in relationship saying no asking for what you want uh sharing feelings it's not a big deal a lot of things we've been talking about today you can practice that like with a safety net which is that if he loses interest in you great next it wasn't like you were that interested in him you're giving him a chance to win you over and there's a real truth to that that's not a manipulation that's really where you are as a woman the female side of you should feel so supported by him if you want to have a bonding experience the male side of him should feel not that you're so successful in making him happy he is successful in making you happy and that becomes a source of his happiness yeah and i i think as if women over function or over give in an early stage of relationship it can throw that balance off and we tend to attract people men that are under functioning or or under giving or takers and i it seems to me john like once a couple or two people kind of start doing a certain dance together or they get in a certain routine it seems hard to switch out of that yeah and often the love you feel is not real because you're in the wrong routine i mean behavior it's about really getting to know someone but then the other side of it is i always say to women don't rush to get married to guy all your negotiating power happens after you get engaged even before that once you're married your negotiation power drops dramatically it's still you're still there okay you always have that power but beforehand it's it's much easier this is where you you can find your best self which is you create a series of positive dating experiences where you're not really thinking this is the perfect person because once you're with the perfect person all your stuff comes up insecurities come up what if i say the wrong thing what if they don't like this what about that so but if you found that person they found you and you're there you can still practice these things but if you were to come to my house and see it you think what a beautiful house i have and yet if you want to come by my house you would hire people to see what's wrong with it and that's what happens to men and it happens to women once you start dating and you get start to get serious then you hire people your brain hires okay but what about this and what about this and what about this and at that time men will start to pull away and it's really easy for other women uh to that they're other women that they haven't yet got to that stage with to seem very appealing because he's not looking at what's wrong with them he's looking at what's wrong with you so you want to create you want to slowly build this bond so you have all these positive experiences because that's inevitably going to happen when you start thinking i want to buy this house so to speak then your brain will go into and what's wrong with it what are the potential consequences i mean literally when you buy a house today you hire people to come and find out everything that's wrong that's what happens so you don't want to rush into anything and the other thing i wanted to say is you know it's a real thing one of the major concepts of men from mars is that men are like rubber bands they get really close and then they pull back and then they get really close and pull back and the closer they get the farther they're going to pull away so you in the beginning you don't want to just suddenly just have sex three days you know or spend three days away you know eventually you can that's a lot of intimacy with a guy it's going to be a lot of estrogen he's going to recoil he's going to pull away detach a lot and you're going to feel very insecure because he just broke that bond and so at that time you might make the mistake of communicating with him it's like what's the matter what's going on you were so wonderful now you're so cold and detached another unemotionally a man no it's just you spent too much time together he has to pull back so you really want to build it that's why you date on the weekend go out on a date that's it in the beginning well let's go tuesday night let's do wednesday night let's do this just say well i'm really busy i'm really busy but we can do next next friday or next saturday you know just slow it down slow it down forces him to slow it down and get to know you more you can talk to each other on the phone you can text each other and i that's all great stuff it's the physical contact where you get physically intimate too much too soon causes men to repel too far and causes you to become needy in many cases and when they're when they're doing that rubber band thing and or maybe going into the cave that's also when sometimes they realize the depths of their feelings for a woman and how much they miss her right they also can get in touch with that exactly you know the rubber band has more to do with cave time he can just be busy working he runs out of testosterone he needs to have his time away but rubber band is primarily because he feels very close to you relationship's going good i really like you and maybe i'm starting to feel love for you that's a lot of estrogen and so he needs to he'll instinctively pull back he doesn't understand why that's happening and sometimes he makes the mistake of thinking well i guess she's not right for me just as if he pulls back you might make the mistake of thinking i guess he doesn't love me and then you go tell him disaster uh but if it you know some guys don't pull back they just wanna you know these are the more in touch with their female side guys they're gonna they can be very romantic they can be very exciting they can be very funny they're very attentive and then it's a big bang and then they're gone they just poof they disappear and so what you do for those guys is you enjoy them but then you have such a busy life that maybe next saturday we can do it again or on wednesday we'll do it again but they're going to push for more and more and more and to a woman that just seems like this is who this guy is that's who he is he's dr jekyll mr hyde it although it's really not the best analogy he's mr romantic and mr go back to sleep don't let him exhaust himself giving to you don't let him go so far to his female side that he has to recoil and that's that that truth is why it was done in the past play hard to get it's like it's not play hard to get recognize that too much of a good thing is not a good thing right away and then once you're married too much of a good thing is not good right away which is why why you don't you know what you don't do what you don't do is expect your partner to be all romantic and attentive and affectionate all the time and that's another problem that happens when couples move in together he's living in a separate apartment house whatever and you're over here so you're not together all the time so he has a chance to back up and go again go back up and go in go back up and you are forced in a sense by that dynamic to attach to him and then detach you're forced to detach and connect with other things women need attachment to a lot of things men primarily just need attachment to you okay so we're really different but then we get too much and then we come back and then we're wanting to have our results and success and all that stuff in our life so that's the dynamic don't give him into what he wants it's always what you want and i know that also you want to be loved and so you think being loved is again what he wants he'll be happy he'll love you more just doesn't work that way it works when you create enough distance from him so he can spring back to you and create distance and spring back and quite often couples in order to create that distance if they don't consciously see what's happening is then they'll create these big arguments and fights and then they pull away and then they make up and they have great sex for a while then they make up and it's over time it will kill the relationship at least the passion in the relationship because arguments and fights over time cause you to lose trust and you start walking on mine fields to avoid yes anytime you express a lot of emotion there's vulnerability with that and sex can be great but it will what prevents it from lasting a lifetime is uh having to walk on minefields so one thing just to just to say in the context of many people listening today you're thinking about what am i going to do in my next relationship but a big thing you can take away from this whole series is what were the mistakes i made in my past relationship because it is a cliche but it's cliches are often true which is before you can really have a loving relationship you have to love yourself and statistically women after a painful breakup after a divorce will be nine years before they get involved again if they get involved for a man it's three years women have bigger trust issues you know i i really went for this guy i i love this guy and he turned out to not work out how can i trust myself again yeah that that becomes a hard thing and one of the ways to trust yourself again is to you know take to heart everything i've said is that women don't understand men and men don't understand women and it's really about learning how to communicate our needs and our wishes in a way where a man can hear it and then we can get what we need because when we don't get what we need if you're a woman and you're not getting what you need in a relationship you'll bring out the worst in a man because a man thrives when he feels i can give you what you need so there's an art as i've been sort of exploring how to communicate yourself to a man how to interact with the man so he feels successful and providing for you and part of that as i said a minute ago is not making him hap provide for your happiness he's there to make you happier that's your that's a really optimistic message today it's uh we want to we want to be more positive in our relationships and we can do that when we're not overly dependent on each other so what to be on your estrogen side women you want to be dependent on him for only so much and then there's so many other things that you can depend on for your happiness and your fulfillment in life so that the world doesn't end if he disappears even though we all want to be the most special to each other there's no doubt about that but at the same time the foundation of being so special to your partner help him feel he can be successful and that only is the case if you find a fulfillment inside yourself and you're also looking for more there's kind of an attitude from our past relationships that have failed and that's why to build trust to move on if you recognize that you weren't fully a victim but you were part of it you see you're part of the problem and i know partners can be horrible to each other and we often don't see our side of it and we often justify our side of the horrible by what by you were first but you did it first and skipping score keeping score is also a thing that happens but also just not understanding how you unknowingly sabotage a relationship you know a really sophisticated skill and for a woman in a relationship is to never complain and then the first thing women go yeah but how can i change him i go well first you picked him don't change him but but what i know what you mean is how can i get more and you can get more by bringing more out of him and it's common sense and people become more when when they feel loved and appreciated and you ask for help and they do it and so it's like a whole art of how to ask for help and get it how to provide the foundation or you can ask for more because if you don't already feel like you're getting a lot and you ask for more it's kind of like i'm already doing my best how could you want more and so you have to always get the message that what they're providing for you is enough and this would be more fun see it's adding to rather than focusing on what i'm not getting in order to get more whenever you focus on what you're not getting to get more then the mail just gets less and less and less so you ask for more with from a place of i'm really very happy letting him know those are the buffers i really like this and i like this for example my wife wanted me to remember to turn out the light in the bedroom it comes from a simple statement of 10 years of her complaining about it my not changing her making a big deal out of it mine saying it's not a big deal it's just not a big deal my world you just anybody who gets upset about the light being on is we use green energy you know you can't rationalize the electric field you know so so she has to turn the light on i say you don't have to turn the light out you know i'll turn it out later if you don't turn it out so that would be a thorn between us until finally one day she realized this isn't a big deal and she came to me and she smiled at me in the kitchen she said john i've noticed you've been turning out the light i really love that just i took it in no defensive reaction at all and then she said and sometimes you still forget i just want to remind you how much i appreciate it when you do boom and disappear just drop that little request in there in a loving way no complaining always buffer it with a positive statement and it's not a big deal but sometimes you still forget but then from that day on i chan she did it three times and then after that i always turned the light out and when i turned it out even today she's passed i i still think sweet thoughts about her because she asked in such a loving way women don't have those skills this is an art to relationship because i know if you don't have that skill what can you do you just complain then what you don't know is the brain science is that when you use negative emotions to get what you want in order to get what your brain in order to feel good your brain's always looking for things to complain about and women know that when you're stressed your mind looks at this and this and this and this and this it just seems overwhelming that's your your brain they call it automatic negative complaints they're going off they've got ants in your brain automatic negative thoughts they're just busy busy busy busy what's not working what's not working what's not working you can't let go of it so that's because you've built grooves by using complaints i complain i point out what is not working in order to get what i want and if i do it with emotion of feeling hurt disappointed frustrated worried complain all those emotions create grooves in your brain literally so that when you when you're feeling like i'm not happy your brain will immediately go to all the things that you're complaining about rather than focusing on oh i could ask for this and get it and it would make me happy so we're training our brain to look at negativity in order to get what we want in a similar way let's broaden out the picture for a little wisdom if you use war to create peace then how do you create peace you have to keep making wars you have to learn how to create peace you have to learn how to motivate a man a lot of men are waiting for there to be a fire to put out and then we have the energy to put it out and if there's no need that we can fulfill we have no energy in the relationship there has to be places where i feel i have a meaningful effect on my wife and to the extent that she is financially independent i'm impotent unless i understand and unless she understands that even though she doesn't need my money she needs my love and what are the what do they put that into sentences i need somebody to go on dates with i need someone to go to the restaurant with i need someone to sit next to me when i'm having dinner instead of alone at home i need to lie in bed next to somebody and to cuddle somewhat i need a partner to have sex with i need a partner who've got my back i need to have somebody with me at night so somebody could come and steal from me and mistreat me i need that so you need your little guard at home and you need that companionship and you need that connection and you need someone to eat your food with and so forth and and you need someone who thinks you're beautiful someone who's attracted to you this just makes you feel a person so we need men and men need women we need each other and we have these needs so actually defined all these needs that women have and men have and that we often just aren't even aware of and most importantly one of the greatest gifts why we're drawn to these heterosexual relationships is there's a masculine energy and the feminine energy and you create pockets of time where as a woman you can reconnect with your feminine energy and he can reconnect with his masculine energy full-blown and that would be making love well you know how to do this but you have to start outside the bedroom and then making love is integrating it where i can be strong and soft at the same time i can feel all this desire for my pleasure but at the same time feel totally selfless and loving you know this is where this is one of the payoffs of having all these communication skills is making love and it's not just in the bedroom but the highest level at least in my experience is the bedroom you're naked you're completely naked and no one is there i was just uh officiating a wedding and this having sex in my hotel room and other people were around so i knew they heard the noises we were making and it was not as fulfilling i didn't want to be thinking about those other people there's something like a deep meditation i'm also a big meditator as a monk for nine years but the the the oneness that you have where you're not thinking about other people nobody's listening and nothing's going on just to be able to come together in that way it's so so special this is what's possible for us it's not like it's easy to achieve it's impossible to achieve without guidance and understanding unless we have it if you already have it then you know if you don't know you don't know and you when you don't know you don't know what you don't know right that's the thing you just can't know what you don't know but what you can know is if you don't have it right now then you don't know how to get it that's what we have to become humble in our lives if you don't have it you don't know how to have because if you knew and what we want to do is escape from that level of humility and our arrogance is we want to always blame it on well i know but that person doesn't know and and clearly that person doesn't know either because they were with you it takes two to tango it takes two to tango all right right well john this has been just a fascinating conversation and i have just loved what you've shared today i know this is going to be so incredibly valuable and helps so many people and i just am really really grateful for your contribution to this event and house events and it's always such a delight to learn from you i mean i just feel like we have the opportunity to sit at the feet of the master here and it's really an honor thank you well thank you so much it's it's a pleasure to spend this time with you and to know that i'm helping some people that's really helpful yeah and i do want to give you a chance i know we've been on for a little while but i do want to give you a chance to just share a little bit about your website and what people can find there at marsvenus.com and anything else you'd like to share about your work right now uh well i think that if people like what i'm saying would like to get more we have all these wonderful video blogs at marzinis.com marsvenus.com and we have a free class if you just go right to the front page of marzines.com and it is how to get everything you want in your relationships we also have a preview of a course soon to be released which is called understanding men which is what kind of what we did today and that one will be through the words of my daughter uh lauren who speaks venusian quite well and so she talks from woman to woman how to understand men and the how to solve the problems are so common today and she does it in the way that uh better than i do i'm the editor of the program but she's the genius i've sort of lost my momentum to write books when i have so many books already and i have a chance to talk to so many people online but she's really busy creating those online courses and she got me to do the online course how to get everything you want in your relationships and it's free so go to mars venus.com you can check that out and you did mention i i've also written books on holistic health and nutrition and so forth if you're interested in those things i have a free wellness guide for 32 of the most common problems i don't deal with the big problems like cancer and dementia and those things but brain performance vitality sexual energy better sleep anxiety depression these are the little things that lead to the big things and there's natural solutions for all these things that can definitely help you if you're also creating better relationships you see it goes goes hand in hand you know mind and body the nutrition the extra supplementation the tips when it comes to your body uh that will that provides the foundation but you gotta you gotta use the mind and you've gotta have relationship and it all comes together for great health and a lifetime of love and happiness yeah yeah well thank you so much john for all of your work and again for your contribution and generosity it's always just wonderful to connect with you and i'm really really grateful to you thank you so much you're welcome welcome and uh for everybody watching um we're so grateful to have you here as well because the fact that you're here helps us to know that you're the kind of person that's committed to having an extraordinary life and extraordinary love and we hope you'll join us for more of the man panel thank you so much and thanks again john take good care thank you [Music] you

Channel: Michelle Marchant Johnson

Views: 675,267

Keywords: John Gray, Dr. John Gray, MarsVenus, JohnGrayMarsVenus, men are from mars, men, man, love, fall in love, what men want, what men need, find love, understand men, understanding men, attraction, intimacy, attract a man, attract men, date men, date a man, meet men, meet a man, romance, romantic, passion, Michelle Marchant Johnson, find a man, find men, marriage, partner, partnership, real love, true love, right man, Mr. Right, love after 40, date after 40, love after 50, date after 50

Id: eQwM6S3lJqM

Length: 96min 30sec (5790 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 19 2021