He's Not The One! - #1 Love Lesson Every Woman Learns Too Late... | Spirit

so many of us may go on a date and we're like oh my God this is the one and you really think that they tick all the boxes but then a year down the line two years down the line they actually seem like a completely different person that emotion has completely gone so how can you actually identify the difference between Mr Right and Mr right now well it takes time that's the reality and you have to get past the drunk and love Stage in the beginning we already have the boxes right he has to be this tall he has to smile like this he has to make me feel like this and the reality is in the beginning everybody's going to make you feel like that so you have to give yourself time to get to the point where all of that can kind of dissipate and you can see them very clearly your body is literally in a state of just Perpetual excitement and adoration so when you look at this person it's not really about who they are it's about how they're making you feel and what happens is roughly around 18 months or so that dopamine starts to wear off we start to kind of get used to the person and all of the sudden people confuse that for falling out of love it's not that you're falling out of love it's that what you need at this stage is changing and so at that point that's when you can really assess that's when we're getting into all the compatibility right and so that's why I talk about the dating period needing to be like an interview it needs to be those conversations that help us recognize what do you want your forever to look like and where might that fit into my life and where might I fit into your Forever picture and often times people aren't talking about the forever they're just like oh this makes me feel so good I want it to last forever and when it doesn't because naturally we're moving towards what we want our Forevers to be and we never had the conversations we just kind of have the person in toe we're trying to pull the person back into the picture of what we fantasize about never stopping to say the reality of things like so when we retire do you actually want to retire at what age do you want to retire wait a minute I want to travel when I'm in my 60s what do you mean that you want to continue to work I don't want our parents living with us when they get older what do you mean you're not going to put your parents in Assisted Living I don't want to have kids what do you mean that you want to have a large family and it's all the conversations that we don't have when we're just filled with the dopamine and it feels good which are really the conversations that we need to have to determine are you my forever or do you just make me feel good it's really too different things and so often times that's why I say in the beginning you're not dating the person you're dating their representative that is who they think you want them to be and so in order to really understand who a person is you have to give it time it's not just what they're telling you but it's that are their actions consistently not just initially are they consistently in line with what they're their words are and one of the hard things is when you talk about this idea of consistency people confuse a person being able to do a certain thing once or twice is that they have it they have the potential people will say I know that you can do it I know that you're capable of it you're just withholding from me or you're just treating me poorly because they've seen that person do something once or twice but I love to tell people that is simply statistics and probability if you are with somebody long enough you're going to see the full range of everything right like what do they say even a broken clock is right twice a day right so it's like eventually you will see that and I always love to give the analogy I won't say it out loud because I don't feel like them seeing me in the street and tripping me or something but I like to talk about uh the likelihood of a of a particular sports athlete who was a huge phenomenon but was horrible from the free throw line like you guys know who I'm talking about was horrible I think like the average was like 80% which for somebody who doesn't play is incredible but 80% in a major league no it's horrible right but what that meant was if you give him a 100 Balls 80 of those balls are going in it doesn't mean that he's a great free throw player it just means that if you give him enough opportunities enough of those balls will hit the same is true in relationship if you're with somebody enough of course sometimes they will bring you flowers if you love flowers it doesn't mean that they are invested in bringing you flowers because you love flowers of course they'll take you out to dinner every once in a while because of course you have to eat it doesn't mean that they are committed and enjoy going out to dinner regularly of course they will snuggle with you sometimes it doesn't mean that they like snuggling and they're emotionally connected so we have to be careful when we see people give us experiences that we want we can't assume that we are compatible or that they are compatible to those experiences we really have to have have the questions asked and then we have to have the behaviors consistently back it up wow that analogy is amazing I love that so then how do you start to start to assess what is I've just given them a lot of chances and you know it's 80% versus oh this is actually who they are because to your point you actually use the word potential and that really hit me U many of us actually um invest in someone based on their potential that we hope they're going to actually live to show listen I was just having this conversation with a client yesterday and I had to say honey aptitude is not the same as achievement right and if you fall in love with potential in the same way they have the potential to do that they have the potential to do a million other things that are never that and so you have to ask yourself the question do you want someone who has the potential or do you want someone who's already in progress it is two very different things and you don't want them trying it when they meet you because it sounds good and they go oh I I could do that for you if they're not doing that that's not who they are and you don't want to have to bank your entire life like your intimate partner relationship is the most important relationship you will ever be in it sets the foundation for everything when that relationship is stable and it's flowing right everything about your world feels right but when that relationship is the slightest bit off it can ruin everything in every day for years so why would you invest your most intimate relationship in possibility without any real track record you wouldn't hire an employee who wasn't experienced enough you wouldn't buy a car that didn't have a track record that you trusted you wouldn't trust your children to places and spaces where there wasn't a good track record why would you trust yourself your entire life to someone who doesn't have a good track record that's representative of the life that you want to live it doesn't make sense to do that and I don't mean somebody who can talk a good game I mean someone who has walked the walk how do you invest forever in someone who hasn't even made it a year no ma'am no absolutely not this is so strong um as you were asking those questions though I I was thinking I think there's a part of the Hope right like I really hope this person works out because they're saying the things they tick the boxes and so they're showing the interest cuz I love the idea of potential versus progress that was so strong but then someone in that position again I love Playing devil's advoca may be like yeah but what if the progress started yesterday oh again no ma'am no ma'am and listen I am one of the most hopeful people that you will ever meet in life when I have clients I literally will tell some of my clients I will hold the hope for you when you can't hold it for yourself I will hold the best possibilities for you until you can see them for yourself and when it comes to hoping that a particular relationship could and would be everything you want it to be you have the right to hope to your very last breath but what I tell people is hold on to the hope but treat people according to who they are today who they are today I can hope that we will have and do all the work to develop a particular relationship but I can also entrust my heart and my life according to who I know you to be today so why would you hope that I could have a particular outcome when you can make the choices to create that life for yourself it's not somebody else that gives us the experiences that we want it's not the other person that gives us our forever it is us who gives us our forever but we have to be clear on what we want that forever to look like and then we have to make those consistent choices every day in order to take ourselves there we have to choose our forever every day and you every single thing you do Lisa if if your audience doesn't know anything else everything that you do is either taking you towards the goals you have or away from them there is no in between and so you have to ask yourself is this taking me towards my forever and if it is you do more of that consistently Rush towards that lean into that nurture that grow that scream for it advocate for it but if it's taken you away from it don't make excuses for it don't rationalize it don't justify it don't wait for for it don't delay it take action to move towards it and if you have a partner who's not working in that direction wake up ask the questions hold the accountability not just for them but more importantly for you because we will get so caught up in having a specific person give us an experience that often times we'll never have the experience at all because we'll decide not only do I want that experience but I'm making the decision that it has to be you to give it to me and so I will lose sight of the experience in focusing on you and I will get interlocked into the commitment that it has to be you so I'm going to fight you I'm going to pray with you I'm going to pray for you I'm going to beg you I'm going to plead I'm going to scream I'm going to stand still I'm going to try to do all the things I'm going to try to do your part in order to get me to the forever that I want I will even tell you if you just meet me halfway if you just do a little I'll do the rest I'll sacrifice I know that I wanted somebody who would do all of these things but if you just do this cuz I really want to do this with you if you just do this I'll do all the rest and then all of a sudden we don't recognize and we don't understand why am I exhausted why am I depleted why am I unfulfilled why am I moving towards forever but it feels like they're moving towards a different one yet I stay day after day hoping that they will change but it's really so I don't have to oh I L was going to ask why do we do that if we often assuming someone's already dated a few people and then you get into another relationship and you repeat that cycle what is it that we're trying to potentially feel within us is it wanting to be loved so much that we're willing to overlook these other things not always sometimes it is the story that we tell ourselves and often we don't even believe that we're worthy or deserving of the forever that we dream of right we've been through so much trauma we've been in relationships where we were manipulated where we were lied to where we were walked on where we let ourselves be walked on where we told ourselves stories and looked the other way when we weren't get in the love that we wanted and it didn't begin in that relationship often times that is a pattern that goes all the way back to our childhoods maybe we saw our parents in relationships like that maybe our parents treated us in particular ways maybe we didn't even have our parents and so when we are confronted with great relationships with potential forever relationships we have experienced so much that in that moment we actually will reject the very thing that is for us they'll try to tell us that they love us you you couldn't possibly really love me or maybe you if you if you really knew who I was you wouldn't love me I haven't even told you about all the things I've been through so you can't possibly and now I feel horrible because you think you love this version of me so now I can't even really show up in a forever relationship with you or this idea of I don't I don't deserve this and they're going to figure out who I am and if I if I if they figure out who I am then they're going to leave me and so all of a sudden I'm not focused on my own needs I'm focused on how to please them how to say all the things how to be all the things how to show up as the things and I'm never looking for the reciprocation I don't even have the expectation that you will meet my needs I don't even know what my needs are cuz I lost track of them even before I got into this relationship with you you I may just be so happy that somebody like you gave me attention that I just show up really small hoping that as long as I don't say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or need too much or want too much as long as this is just enough and I go along with the life that you say you want you will stay with me forever but it's not about the quality of the forever it's just about the quantity God that's so strong um as we're talking about compatibility here and really identifying that person that is right for you for the Long Haul um you talk about the pitfalls of almost being compatible yes talk to me about that yeah the idea of almost being compatible I tell people all the time it's not the person that's absolutely uh incompatible that you have to worry about like you know the people that you you they walk into the room and you're just like oh no I don't have to give him you know you just know right off the bed and they're like well what's wrong with him and you're like girl I know it's it's a no it's a no for me right it's not that it's the person that's just compatible enough it's like they check so many of the boxes that you will invest your time and how you know that you are not truly compatible is because you'll be like they're so perfect if we can just fix this this and this oh my gosh and because it's the potential it seems so close you're so close to having the fantasy of what you want that you will spend all of your time you will spend all of your energy you will spend all of your money you will spend all of your investment of every resource that you have trying to make this fit and so you look up one day and you go you know what I knew a long time ago this wasn't for me I knew I was sitting in this relationship and I should have walked away but by the time I realized that they weren't my person I had already invested so much time or I've sacrificed so much they owe me this or I don't want somebody else to have all the things that I worked for I helped to make us this I helped I helped support you to become this man I help to support you to to get your credit together to get your salary together to get your relationships with your family and your friends and your kids together like I earned the forever that you owe me and so I'm committed and I'm invested and if we can just fix these two things but really we can't fix those things because the reality is they are not the person and so your life is literally screaming to you they are not your person but the problem is that change is hard changing behavior is hard letting go is hard healing yourself is hard grieving for so many people is almost impossible I don't want to let this relationship go and the reality is we grieve the potential of the forever that we dreamed of not recognizing we were never having it anyway we were waiting on that in the relationship we were waiting for the partner in the relationship to give that to us and so this is the hard part the brain does not distinguish between reality and fiction right if you read something it can be as Fantastical as all get out but your brain will really process it it will create the picture it will create the memories relationships are very much the same if I fall in love with you and I have a fantasy of us to forever I've dreamed about our wedding I've dreamed about our sunsets on the beach I've dreamed about our laying up together in the middle of the night I've dreamed about us getting old together and we may only be in our 30s or 40s right so the idea of leaving you my brain already knows the trajectory that it's headed on I can't leave you cuz that doesn't compute you are supposed to be with me this you not being in my life I don't know what to do with that I don't know what to do with myself so we have to grieve the death of something that we've already made memories of we have a a literal blueprint for where we thought we were going and often times the idea of having to let that go to change a and go in a completely new Direction with a completely new person I often have people tell me that they think that they're cheating on their ex when they come into new relationships the idea of kissing someone else or making love to someone else or moving in with someone else or having a child with someone else and it's because they never saw themselves in relationship with this person because they weren't living in the present they were living in a future a fantasy world that they created and so their life doesn't make space for their reality it's constantly trying to execute the fantasy with someone who they were never even compatible with they were just compatible enough okay so many questions you're blowing my mind okay so the idea of grieving your your future memories is so profound I've never I thought of grieving your future identity like I thought I was going to be a mother I actually did and then I realized oh I actually love business so much and empowering other people but I had to grieve the idea that I was going to be a mother but um but that I felt like was more identity versus a memory that you've thought about like dying with the person and now having to let that go like think about you and your husband right you've already seen yourself old you've already seen yourself right so the idea if something were to happen and all of a sudden they're not there it happens also with death of Partners right it's like it doesn't compute we were supposed to do all of these things we actually may have made plans for some of these things and so all of a sudden when you have to step into a reality that doesn't include them it becomes out of habit right I'm used to calling them them I'm used to texting them this is the time they would come through the door this is that's why when people break up and they can't move out of the places that they're in we talk about what it looks like to even just move the furniture around right change the the way that things look because your brain is hardwired for patterns your nervous system becomes deactivated when it becomes used to its environment but it automatically becomes activated around anything that's new new stimuli because it has to figure out am I safe here am I safe in this environment right so the idea that you are with a new person it activates us it makes us nervous it makes us excited we don't know about this relationship and we really crave that certainty and the peace that comes with being able to settle into a person and so we will often confuse safety and peace with compatibility and that's not either I tell people all the time like if you're in a new environment and you're with a person that does not activate your nervous system they're not new they're familiar and so if you are trying to enter into a new relationship with new healthier patterns and the old stuff that you used to do and that person feels like they just fit run run be very careful because if they fit who you used to be that means that they are not compatible with who you're trying to become and you have to pay attention to that it's so important my God so important okay um there's so many things you said there that I really want to dive into so first of all um how we talking about almost compatible and you said that they're fitting certain buckets that they're you know almost right yeah where's the final line though between these are the things that I want for my future this is for my forever I've met this person they don't necessarily match everything MH and you turn them away because they're not quote unquote perfect yeah well the key is they don't have have to match everything right how I love to tell people if you care about a relationship that has emotional intimacy and let's be real not everybody needs that in a relationship not everybody is even looking for that often times relationships for most people historically have been about partnership do we line up in such a way that I'm going to get a select set of needs that are important to me met and you're going to get a select needs that are important to you met you look at traditional marriage traditional marriage was not necessarily about how you make me feel that's why infidelity was through the roof right he had home base and then he would go and sleep with his secretary cuz that's where the fire and the passion was but his wife was the one that kept the house clean that had the meals there that took care of the kids so it was a very different experience this idea that now we are marrying or staying in relationships because of how you make me feel and I want emotional intimacy and I want to be able to connect with you and I want you to talk to me about how you're feeling and what you need and what makes you happy and what makes you sad this is new for a lot of people and a lot of people don't know how to do this form of relationship particularly a lot of men because they weren't socialized to have to deal with feelings they were socialized if you can protect and provide then you can have any woman that you choose to and she will be lucky to be able to have you and women thought as long as I have a good man who takes care of my house who is good to me and who is good to our children that is supposed to be enough so why am I still un fulfilled why am I still drinking every single day in order to be able to tolerate this life experience why do I still go on girl trips where my friendships are the ones that are really more important to me why does my partner still go on boys trips not just because he's trying to spend time with the boys but because actually we're not connected and there's no friendship or companionship between us right these are real dynamics that we have to Grapple with in relationships and so when you look at this idea aidea of who my forever is they don't have to be exactly like you and they don't have to check every box you have to enjoy each other your Forever needs to be compatible with their forever in such a way that it makes you both better that allows you both to thrive and I love to tell my folks if emotional intimacy is what's most important to you in a relationship then your Forever partner should feel like you get to have a sleepover with your best friend every night right I that is like do you like think about when we were kids or even now for all the folks who love to have their girls get together think about when you have a sleepover you anticipate it all week long you wake up the day is here you're like oh my gosh okay so I have to go to the store and we're going to do this and then we're going to stay up doing this oh and we get to talk about this and oh my gosh I'm so excited like if that doesn't happen in your relationship most of the time like I look forward to seeing you I can't wait to tell you this oh I can't wait to pick up the phone and share this with you oh my gosh I can't wait to lay next to you tonight oh my gosh as I'm making my coffee I can't wait to grab you a cup too hey babe can we do hey are you thinking about if it doesn't feel like there's a friendship a meaningful connection where they can see all of you where you're not having to hide yourself or correct yourself or adjust yourself and that's different than me becoming the very best version of myself right if they're helping me do that through love and accountability that's different but if I'm not enjoying you and more importantly if I'm not enjoying me in your presence then you are not my person this is supposed to be fun this is supposed to be an enhancement to my life not a supplement of my life you were supposed to enhance my forever not change it to be something totally different than what I wanted for myself and if it's not that then you may be with the wrong person what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your bestie and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for complete complet Al free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I see you on the inside oh my God the do I enjoy myself when I'm with you that really hit me because I don't think we ever really ask that question I really think it's like do I enjoy this person how do they make me feel going back to what you said earlier um but that's so interesting and do you think that that would then hopefully help us in moments where maybe if we're in a toxic relationship that we're able to leave because we put our elves first because I think about when a lot of people are in a relationship whether it's toxic or they're just not compatible and then they leave there's certain elements of that relationship they miss yeah and so how do you know what the things are that are just not pulling you back to your familiar like you said versus oh actually maybe they are the right person yeah well the reason why people stay in toxic relationships is really because the story that they're telling themselves most of the time is that this is the best I'm going to get right and having some of the things I want is better than having nothing at all I try to help my clients understand the people that you choose to entertain in your life are going to check some of the boxes you are not going to choose a person that you are not compatible with so this idea of I'm never going to have these things again is simply impossible and I try to we go back to that hope I try try to instill hope in my clients and folks that I talk to all over the place and I love to tell them get excited when you think about relationship cuz if you're in an incredible relationship today get excited about all the things that you can do to make it better but if you know that you are in a toxic unhealthy relationship then I want you to be even more excited because this is the worst relationship you are ever going to be in for the rest of your life and the reason for that is because if you can find the courage if you can find the fortitude if you can find the willpower to walk away from this you will never choose a situation like this or less again the next person that you entertain you will say oh I've already done that you're going to have to come with something much better I've already seen that I've so anything that you choose after this is going to be better and what I love what I love what I love is if you think about even for yourself think about all the relationships that you had even you know if you started way back in high school like most people right we look at relationships and every relationship we go they're so wonderful they're the that last if I thought that that was love I can't even tell you what this is oh my gosh and it's just because we won't choose less than what we've already had and the important thing is that when you leave toxic relationships you have to do your healing work so often what we forget is the thing in between it's like this bad relationship and the forever relationship that we want I tell my clients it's like take a picture of it like a snapshot and then I want to zoom in between the last relationship and the new one to see all of the muck that has to be cleaned out because your relationships are a reflection of where you are and if you haven't done the work to detox from everything that happened in the toxic relationship to heal yourself to forgive yourself to be aware of yourself to reorient yourself to rehabilitate yourself like re everything you right Revitalize rebirth yourself if you haven't done the work then you will choose similar relationships you'll just make sure it doesn't look exactly like that maybe it'll have one thing better maybe it'll have two things better but if you really want to do the work now who you will be compatible with on the healed side of who you are versus who you were in the unhealthy side that let you stay in those toxic places and spaces they're really two different people so it's important that you do your work and don't just jump into the as I love to say the rebound relationship the rebound relationship is not your forever okay the rebound relationship is typically the polar opposite of the last relationship that you came out of it's like a natural gut reaction we go oh I don't ever want to do that again that guy was so quiet he never spoke to me now I'm going to go and get the life of the party you you know that guy was so um he was so emotionally unavailable he never touched me now I'm going to get the guy who just wants to be up under me all the time and the reality is we don't necessarily need the 180 we don't need the total opposite end of the pendulum we need to be in a healthy Place usually somewhere right in between but when we're not healthy ourselves we just kind of want to get away from what that toxic thing was and we think that the answer lies in doing the exact opposite okay I I got that wrong let me just do everything different than than what I knew before but that's not the answer the answer is in refining yourself enough to know what attracted me to that relationship what made me say yes to it what made me stay in it even when every Bell and whistle in my body was telling me to go why did I stay and what do I need to change so this time when I choose a partner that I'm compatible with I'm not losing my myself but instead I'm listening to myself how do I feel what am I having go on in my mind what conversations am I having with myself about myself about them about us about where I am in my life how does being in relationship with this person affect me and again is that taking me towards my forever goal or away from it oh is that what you call then um I think you qu something like the start of marriage syndrome oh yeah how to avoid the start of marriage I always say I got to write a book about it one day I really do and it's really because we don't learn how to do relationship you know it's just it's painful relationships are the one thing that we never learn how to do that we spend most of our lives trying to do well but if you've never learned how to do it how can you expect to do it and do it well and have it last forever and the reality is that most of us really do it based upon how we feel those initial feelings and we get locked into a relationship where we say I love you and you love me and we just have to try to figure out how to make it work not realizing that it takes so much more than love love has to be the foundation but it's not the roof it's not the ceiling it's not the floor it's not the walls it is the bare minimum that if I don't feel that love and affection for you then we're doomed if that is a requirement for our relationship now again if we're just trying to raise some kids or build some businesses or just have an Empire or be that trophy couple that everybody looks up to and we make millions but we really could care less and we have really discreet uh agreements between us and our relationship is really not about us it's just about how it looks that's one thing but if you're one in a substantive relationship where somebody knows you and you know them and they are feeding you and you're feeding them and you are one to truly becoming one then that takes a lot more than just simply how you make make me feel why do we think then that love is the found not just the foundation but actually is the roof the walls and the entire house and then ah I don't need new furniture well I think it's because love is the one thing that we all aspire to and the idea of having love forever is something that seems so unattainable it's almost like a fairy tale literally the whole fairy tale industry is written I was going say Disney money there forever right so the idea of it though we have to recognize that there are different types of love and different areas that we love our partners in and in different ways that we give and express love and so I think what we have to realize is we love a lot of people that we are no longer in relationship with we love a lot of people that are toxic for us we love a lot of people that can't love us in return and just because you are capable of of love just because you want to be in love just because you are radiating or elating love just because you are planting love doesn't mean that that's where you should be receiving your love from and this is important because people think I'm so nice to everybody I treat everybody well I deserve a certain type of treatment I deserve for that person to love me I've done this for them I've done this for them I do this for them I want to do this for them why isn't that love enough but just because you are planting that love with somebody doesn't mean that they have what it takes to reciprocate it to you in ways that matter or in ways that you even need or want them to so I often say give love but don't expect love to come back like a boomerang exactly from where you sent it out to that is not always it and another part of that that's really big is that people don't learn how to date they don't learn how to put themselves in the right pools for their mate and so I love when we're doing like the dating stuff you know first and foremost as women we've got to get out more I always tell folks he is not coming to your door unless he is your delivery driver okay so this whole go to work and come home and get up wash wrin repeat and do it again you're not going to find the love that you want doing it that way but you're also not going to find the love that you want doing kind of like the shotgun method where you're just out there Spirit I've gone to every bar I've gone to every Club I've gone to this I've gone to that it's kind of like NOP NOP no you don't need quantity you need quality by understanding who your mate is who do you desire him to be and I don't mean the phenotypical the 65 the brown eyes the this the this structure in the I don't mean that I mean at his core who is he what does he do where does he hang out you know if it's Friday night at 7:00 where is your person what kind of industry is he in so for example I had a woman who said well you know I said well who is your partner when he gets up to go to work every day like how does he dress does he put on a uniform does he put on a suit does he put on Scrubs like who is he she said oh well oh no he's corporate he wears a suit okay so is he going into an office every day is he the boss is he the supervisor like what level does he work at oh okay well he is an executive okay well what industry oh um financing banking okay wonderful so now we're getting somewhere what do you know about about the banking industry oh well well what do you mean I mean like do you hang out with Bankers do you go to banking conventions when the conventions even come into town do you like hang out in the bars or the hotels where these things are happening do you go to any workshops well no well baby how are you going to meet somebody in banking you you don't like you're not in the pool right oh he's a he's a musician oh okay well what kind of musician oh Orchestra okay wonderful when's the last time you've been to a symphony um I I don't oh okay well when is the last time you've been to any musical performances when's the last time you've gone to a workshop or a class or a lecture oh I haven't so so so how are you going to meet a musician like are you going to pick up the peas in the frozen food section at the grocery store does he even go to the grocery store right and so if you don't put yourself in places and spaces to meet the people that you desire to be in relationship with how will that happen and so we have to become much more strategic about how we do that and is that also um potentially the reality versus the dream it's often times the fantasy without knowing how to convert right I said you can be in relationship with anybody that you want to you know but it is what is it going to take to get there right that's back to the aptitude versus the achievement but the other part of that is do you have a very clear understanding of what it means to be in relationship with that person and that's what goes back to Fantasy right somebody who is a banker in finance as an executive at the top how many hours does he actually spend at home how many hours does he spend traveling how many hours does he spend relaxing how many hours does he spend in relationship with a partner and are you prepared for that lifestyle right you want to marry a surgeon what does it mean for your partner to be on call to have to get out of the bed at 3 in the morning and to be gone for 16 hours you love a man in uniform you want to marry a firefighter but he has to stay at the station 4 days a week and he's going to do it for 20 years what is that going to look like for you you love uh the idea of a soldier but he's in combat and he has post-traumatic stress disorder and depression and is putting his life on the line and may be deployed all the time or you may have to move all the time are you prepared for those things or is it the fantasy and then I love to get into the fantasies so then I go tell me about the pictures tell me about the dream what do you see and we often don't even realize that we have a story we often don't realize that we have a picture and so I will constantly Orient people to their pictures and then overlay the picture with the reality to see how clearly do they line up or is that a very distorted view and then how do we help bring it back to the reality because that is what you're going to be living all the time fighting for the fantasy if they're in congruent ah and then if you end up getting that person at least you've almost already laid the groundwork to then know what that expectation is of how they're going to sharpen that relationship to your point so many people say to me now in hindsight now that um my husband's financially successful everyone's like oh you're so lucky you're so lucky right and I'm always like yes there's an element of lack of when when you meet people but the truth is if I wasn't okay with the fact that from Monday to Friday I barely see come on come on we have a rule that he just has to kiss me good night before we go to bed see that's it now a lot of people will feel neglected um if they were in that type of relationship where the husband isn't coming home at 7:00 p.m. or 600 p.m. to have dinner and so it's the idea of I love and I'm very attracted to ambition but what comes with ambition it comes with come on the person putting that that first before you on an everyday basis and I'm fine with it I actually grew up with a father that was very much in business but when he was with me he showed me the love yes and so that is my understanding or my feeling with my husband it's like when I'm with you I need your attention I need you to put your phone down and I need you to be present but I don't need you all the time exactly and you have to know how your makeup I.E your nurture or your nature or a combination of the two are or are not compatible with the relationship that you're trying to be in you were conditioned to that experience you already knew what that experience entailed it was familiar and comfortable so you were able to look and go listen I a very ambitious driven person myself I don't need you to be all the way up under me all the time in order to feel fulfilled as long as we can do this this works for us and because of that you guys were able to build not just an amazing relationship but amazing life because your lives are compatible but had that not been the case had you been someone who as your representative said oh yes of course okay I can do that and then you get married and then all of a sudden you're like I need you to be home I know I said kiss me at night but I want to have dinner every night I need you to be here by 6 o' okay now you know what and I need uh you to be here on Sundays and and maybe twice a week right and all of a sudden there are some real hard choices that have to be made either your partner has to decide to be less of who they are in order to meet your needs because those needs needs are not compatible and then he may become resentful he may become withdrawn he may be Sullen he may resent you all of the sudden the dynamic changes in the relationship or if you say he says I'm sorry I'm just not going to be able to do that so you say okay so now I'm going to have to sacrifice and I'm going to have to be okay with not having the physical affection I'm going to have to be okay with not having your physical presence I'm going to have to shrink in order to figure out how to survive this relationship and it's just not compatible and that is when we get into that whole quality versus quantity you can choose to stay together but that means one or both of you will always be miserable and why do you choose that and so many people do choose that let's be real you talk about starter marriages there are a lot of people who their identity is tied to their relationship status they don't want to be divorce a they don't want to be remarried they don't want Blended families they don't want any of those things and so they will sit in relationships that are lackluster they will sit in relationships that check some of the primary boxes and let go of the boxes that would actually feed them in order to be fed in different ways and so we have to think about in all of our relationships what is most important to you and it's not just about today I love to tell people do today what your future self will thank you for because as hard as it is today it will be so much harder when you look back and you go I wasted my 20s my 30s my 40s my 50s my 60s in a relationship with somebody that never really loved me or I never really Lov them because they were a good man because they made sure that they never missed a mortgage payment or they made sure that the kids got to school or they didn't cheat on me they did all the right things and so so I sacrificed being happy and I actually sacrificed their happiness too because they had the right for somebody to actually love them to pour into them to be Soul connected to them you know at that soul level but we just sacrificed and we made it through it looked good it fit the picture we had great social media presences we looked like the ideal family people looked up to us meanwhile I was always depleted and exhausted and broken and completely longing for something that felt more real for who I was God how do you stop breaking out of that then because as you were talking I can imagine a lot of people also have the external pressure of other people saying yes why are you leaving he hasn't cheated on you he's a wonderful man look how look how good he's with the kids right he he looks like he loves you but let's say all those are true right he is a great father and he is a a good man but that chemistry that connection is no longer there yeah and then the unknown of well what if I end up being alone for the rest of my life and I'm older and you know we all here especially as women your biological clock is ticking and you know you better get a man before it's too late yes yes I think it's really interesting because what people want to know is with certainty I'm not making the wrong choice and so they're afraid that if I leave this what if this was the best that I could ever get right and so when everyone around you is saying hey that's that's a good per they do this they do they check all the boxes I have to reorient people back to their own voices because I tell them they're not telling you about your experience they're telling you about theirs they're telling you about their version of that person but you are the person that's in relationship with that person 24/7 you are the person that wakes up and goes to sleep with that person you are the person that's co-parenting with them you are the person that's navigating in the house with them and feels connected or disconnected and it's really funny I was just having this conversation with somebody yesterday I said you know especially for men and especially in communities of color I love to say I am hated by a lot of traditional men and the reason for that oh yes and and I totally empathize with them I understand because I am requiring them to do something that they have not had to do and that they were lied to about because we now live in a society that values feelings we now live in a societ iety that lets us be who we are in our full entirety and with toxic masculinity unfortunately that we and and previous generations put on men what we told them was literally protect and provide and then you can have the woman that you want and now women are saying no that's not enough I want you to spend time with me I want you to love me I want you to share your emotional self with me and the men are like this is some bull this is ridiculous right like that's not you want us to do everything you want us to be all the things and the women are like well yeah kind of cuz like I got to be all the things like you want me to be soft and nurturing and take care of these kids and swing from the chandeliers and show up well in public and you want me to do all the things and then you don't want to be responsible for being connected in relationship with me you say go hang out with your girls and get it from there but you better not get it from another man right and then they even look down on some men who have the ability to show up emot Ally present and it feels somehow like we're asking them to do something that is unfair when really what's unfair is what we've placed upon them which is requiring them not to be their fullest expression of themselves to tap into their own feelings their own thoughts their own needs their hopes their dreams to even say how do you feel and they'll start to tell you what they think and I'll go no no no that's how you think that's the conclusion that you have about how you feel how do you feel and they'll get really uncomfortable like look what are you asking me to do oh feelings no feelings are not important and I'm like feelings are at the base of everything because that's the the gauge the thermometer that tells you how you're doing and so this idea when we look at relationships and we look at what we're asking for men feel at least right now really really rejected by us and really being put upon by having this added layer of expectation it's like how we told people just go to college if you just go to college you'll have a great life and so they make all the sacrifices and all the Investments and all the money and all the time and then they get out and they're disillusioned when they go wait a minute I can't pay my bills something is wrong you told me the wrong thing men are having that experience in relationships with women today because what we're wanting is something more and unfortunately they never learned how to do it in their conditioning in their nurturing and so we're having all kinds of conflicts as we try to have these emotionally connected emotionally intimate relationships with each other now wow I've never that's never really a dawned on me actually feel bad for men in this situation like I totally understand what you're saying so is it if a man isn't able or your partner isn't able to have that emotional um intimacy with you do you feel like that that can be a potential deal breaker on your compatibility it depends on how important it is for you because what'll happen is you'll sit in a space where you feel dissatisfied I call it dying on the vine right it's like think about the grape that's like full of juice and it sits out there by itself too long and it just starts to wither up and die until it becomes a raisin and then it's kind of falls off if you are a person who needs that if you are a person who craves that if you are a person who that literally feeds you in ways that allows you to thrive then yeah you're going to have some real issues if you can't figure out where to get that need met and often times what people will say is because again we're committed to the person and not to the experience we will stay with people if they check enough of the other boxes and we'll go okay we'll just figure out how to make it work right I have women all the time I had someone yesterday who said to me you know I think that there's a pattern that's happening she named a whole bunch of celebrities who have gotten divorced in the last year or two who are as they go through the dating experience commenting on how bad it is right everything from there's Spirit there's piss in the pool like this pool is Tainted this this is not this I got to try to find in no right and so I think that it's just hilarious so she was saying she's uh in what I would say is probably a subpar relationship but she made the choice to stay because it meets enough of the survival needs right great house great car solid marriage in terms of amount of time their social network who their friends are who the kids play with the the bills get paid every month it meets all of those needs but never mind that she's dying on the vine and so as she sees all these women who have left marriages wanting better and as they're going through the dating experience and they're going oh it's horrible out here she felt better about making her choice to stay CU she was like so you know spirit I want to know like do you think that they made these mistakes and she was really wanting me to like go yes they absolutely should have stayed with there with their partners because she wanted to feel good about the choice that she was making and I said no no I don't think that they made the bad decision I think that they didn't have the right support system in the front to remind them that there were going to be the bad moments that there were going to be all the NOS before you have the yes that dating and not finding your person is part of the experience but each of those experiences has something to teach you they didn't and learn how to date well so that they can have the experiences that they want and so the dating experience is reflecting back to them where they are in the process they need to go inward to do the work to change the strategy for how they are dating it's not about that there aren't any quality men left there are incredible incredible men out here half the time I wish that I could like connect certain people together there are incredible men who want to be fathers who want to be husbands who want to come and have tremendously incredible relationships they want monogamy they want Fidelity they want all of these things so I will never say that it's just one group that is wanting something and another doesn't and that's why they can't find each other they can't find each other because they don't know how to wind up in the same locations and then when they get there they don't know how to show up in a way that says I'm open I'm healthy I'm receptive choose me instead we find often times healthy people and then go there's no way that they could want me because we haven't done the work in order to say I'm really clear on who I am and what I want now let me come in here and see who might be compatible with that now let the interview begin okay as you talking about um emotional intimacy and then kind of is if that's important I'd actually love to go through I believe you have an acronym Rises so if you don't mind sharing the acronym yeah okay so r i SES the r stands for recreational intimacy and when you think about intimacy first and foremost you're thinking about it from the perspective of how important is this to me okay so Recreation doing things with a person doing things with my partner when I think about my picture that I am creating how important is it that we're doing things together and what kinds of things are we doing together are we sitting on the couch like this having having stimulating conversations are we are we out skydiving are we all over the place what are we doing in terms of our Recreation so that I'm clear on what I need in terms of compatibility from a person so if I'm like I say that type A personality and I like to get up at 7:00 in the morning and the coffee is brewed and I'm going out for a run and then by noon time I've already had three meetings I'm going to go to the gym I've got all this happening and I want a partner that's doing the same thing even if we're not doing it together but that's kind of the life that we're living then it's important if I have somebody that likes to sleep in till noon Jess kind of rolls out of bed and there hey babe yeah I'm going to get in the shower it's about 2:30 now I may kind of around 7 start to make some calls to see what's up and by 11:00 at night I'm stepping out when you're at 10:00 just climbing into the bed that may not work for the two of you it may be hard to find the the space in there the ey is for intellectual intimacy am I a person you know am I one of those sapiosexuals that the more you talk to me I'm just like o saposexual saposexual yes oh saposexual means to experience attraction or arousal from someone's intellect so does someone talk to me and the more brilliant they are I just get tangly like talk about everything talk about politics what do you think about this what do you think about sports what do you think about this like the more you talk to me the more I'm just I need it I crave it it just energizes me or am I a person who says listen I don't need to have a whole lot of intellectual conversations all that foofoo pontificating and just keep it simple real basic we don't even have to like let's not engage in that space certain people are that way and it works but if you're a person who's a saposexual at the highest in and you have a partner who doesn't really talk about much of anything isn't really intellectually driven at all it's not something that they aspire to really communicate in that space and be intimate in that way that could be problematic because you will be like I need talk to me about anything please give me something here I'm dying on the vine right so that uh the S spiritual intimacy and I always tell people it's very important that they understand that spiritual intimacy is different from religious intimacy right we don't have yeah we don't have to have the same religious beliefs in order to make this work we can have even an interspiritual or an interreligious uh relationship I have clients who are Muslim who are dating Christians I have individuals who are agnostic who are dating uh Jewish folks it just depends on how we fit together do we fit together in a way that you are going to to uh allow me to thrive in my spiritual beliefs are you going to be supportive of my spiritual beliefs or are you going to do things that cause me to question my belief system are you going to be subversive or even uh triggering in my belief systems are you going to harm me yes right because if I have a partner who is really working on their spiritual growth and their evolution and I go why are you wasting your time on that do you really believe that if that's the case then why this oh how how is your god dealing with that now right and make you responsible for for their own faith or their own spiritual relationship that could be a very toxic experience so having that compatibility around how do we fit in ways where we feel spiritually safe and well nurtured with each other whatever our belief system is becomes important the E which is one of my favorites because I'm just an emotionally intimate person right the E is is for emotional intimacy and that is how do we fit in that emotional space do I feel safe with you do I feel connected to you and with you do I open up in ways that allow you to really know who I am at the deepest levels of myself emotional intimacy is really interesting because I say it's the gift that we give to people it's the parts of us that nobody gets unless we give them access to it and so am I a person who not only gives that access freely but I want to receive in return or am I a person who may not be emotionally available in this space and remember we don't have to be these things we just have to line up in such a way that it fits well so perhaps I've had a trauma a traumatic past and I'm not really emotionally connected or maybe I don't evalue emotional Intimacy in any real meaningful way so it's not important for us to connect in those spaces we can do all the other things and we like each other and it just kind of fits and works for us that's fine fine but how do we line up and do we line up in a way that's beneficial and healthy for both of us and then the last one is and I say it's last but never ever least is sexual intimacy because sexual intimacy is so important and it's not just about sex it's not the active sex although some parts of that go into that category but it is when we think about our Sexual Energy our Drive our libido uh the the type of sex that we want to have the type of physical intimacy that we want to have am I a person who I always want you touching me our legs got to be touching our feet have to touch in the bed I'm reaching over to you in the car you set me on fire we are constantly making love multiple times a week uh if I don't get it then I'm going to feel disconnected or that something is wrong part of that may even tie into the emotional intimacy how I express myself to you is through our sexual or our physical relationship you know if it that's important to you than having a partner who says M I could really take or leave sex no Sexual Energy uh if we have sex like once a month and I can maybe try to get my mind right for it if you want to uh no funny stuff can we just kind of keep it like really simple and you're a person who says I want to have fun sex is tied to my Recreation like let's keep it spicy let's try some things can I open up a drawer and you're like no I'd rather not and like how much longer are we going to right we going back to something you said earlier maybe they even shame you for it oh come on you want to do what where did you oh I'm not sure how I feel about that I'm not sure how I feel about you I'm questioning me the idea that you would even ask me to or not to right and we get into all of that in relationship and so when you think about choosing Partners do you first know who you are and what you need and are you choosing Partners based upon that or do you set all of that aside in a relationship and look at that person as some objectified thing that says I like how they look or I like how they talk or I like who they attract or I like who others like them to be and do you say I want them with no regard for how they fit with you and more importantly with your forever if that's what you're saying that you want oh my God I love that breakdown so much so now my follow-up question is what if you've done that work you find somebody and they do that you're all really aligned on all these versions of the compatiability but then over time one or both of you end up changing and so let's say it's like when I I'm just going to share something when I'm first met with my husband he was 24 so his sexual drive was through the roof so he was like everywhere all the time multiple times a day you know and now we've been together for 23 years years so now we're in our 40s it's changed now thankfully we've both changed so we're now still compatible but what if one of you doesn't well the thing is if you wake up one day and it's changed down the line then what I say is that you both made the mistake of not being plugged and present in your relationship constantly so you want to learn that as a behavior so that as you make the correction it never happens again most things don't just change overnight right it is a range we lost the job and so I feel a certain way about losing the job and over the next few days and over the next few weeks and over the next few months and over the next few years things continue to change it doesn't just go from this to this unless there's a traumatic event and if there's a traumatic event say there was a bank robbery or there was a flood and now I have no business to go back to we're still in that experience together so what I would be curious about is what was happening with the two of you in that experience together that you weren't going through it together sometimes we're going through it but we're parallel so we're not talking I'm not supporting you I don't know where you are in your thoughts I don't even you're not even communicating that you are changing so there is no adjusting in our relationship that can be had the key is as our relationship changes and evolves is it changing and evolving in such a way that that is still the container that allows both of our needs to be met and so that is a constant series of conversations I always tell people never ever think you know who your partner is you knew who they were even even tonight when you sit with Tom he has had experiences all day long that have shaped who he is now right and if you don't continue to be curious about your partner if you don't continue to ask questions if you don't continue to share if you don't continue to participate you will look one day and recognize you're so far over there wait a minute how are you over there and I'm over here how did we get here and so that constant Evolution that constant growth the key is to make sure that we're growing into each other and into our relationship and not away and you also have to recognize that as relationships change you don't always have to panic it doesn't mean that there's something wrong sometimes there's something right sometimes there are seasons of what gets prioritized in relationships and what becomes less of a priority in our 20s we have time to swing from the chandeliers we're not responsible for businesses and tons of money and people and families and all of these things we've got nothing but time but when we're 40 something where we are in our lives where we are in our careers where we are in our goals where we are in our investments and resources and responsibilities look different and so what we may be oriented to may look different and sometimes it doesn't necessarily mean that we want those things any less they're just less of a prior priority and so for some couples they may say listen we used to do it multiple times a day anywhere anytime but now we can't cuz we got people watching or our reputations are on the line or I got a thousand calls I got to make it doesn't mean that I want you any less though and I will have couples to go okay that's fine we might only do it once a week but as long as I know you still want me and I literally will have heck my own husband sometimes will go hey babe you know I just want to tear your clothes off right yes thank you I would like to tear yours off too okay to the kids okay so 7 + 2 right and so what you want to be mindful of is are we still connected is the intimacy still there is the desire still there is the investment still there are we still there and if not again Don't Panic it's a problem in need of a solution what do we need to do in order to get us to where we want to be and so then we look at that as a problem with an in destination this is where we are this is where we want to be what steps would it take to get us there and so we can uturn anytime we want to we can speed up we can slow down we can put the brakes on we can rep prioritize and if we look up and go no I'd actually like to have sex with you at least five times a week o okay well that's a tall order when we're having sex five times a year right now but what would it take for us to make that happen oh well I'm going to have to shift some things at the office yeah well me too I'll have to shift some things okay and we'll have to spend a little bit more time with each other and we'll have to kind of carve out this and do that and then all of a sudden we are actively doing what it takes to find ourselves where we want to be the behavior part is really really the challenge cuz that's where the real work and investment has to be done a I love those little Stepping Stones instead of just trying to jump to where you think you want to be you won't get there and or you won't stay there it has to be consistency that consistency over time is the key yeah so what questions can you start to ask over the time cuz going back to your point of there can be a moment where there's never a blink right a blinkon all of a sudden so but it does feel like that when you're busy and you're driven or you've just got the kids or you've got a business like you know you're you're on a fitness journey no matter what it is you become very focused on that thing that you're trying to achieve and so you end up over time like you were saying kind of starting to bate what are the questions people can even ask each other along that way to make sure that you keep checking in with each other yeah first and foremost I always say you have to start with asking each other the hard question which is do we feel like we have honesty between us do you feel like you can be honest with me CU when we're going to talk about some hard stuff and a lot of couples don't have the space in their relationship to talk about the hard stuff so we plate each other I'm just going to tell you what you want to to feel happy or so that we don't argue you're going to become defensive this is going to become a thing you're going to your anxiety is going to make this hard I'm just going to tell you what you want to hear so we can keep it moving right we're going to go along to get along but then what we're sitting in is something that neither of us are really happy with so first and foremost it's do we have the space to have some really uncomfortable conversations potentially and if we don't have the space then what would it take to create it well I'm going to need to know that you're not going to yell or you're not going to cuss or I'm going to need your undivided attention or I'm going to need to feel like it's not uh the middle you need my attention in the middle of the day when I've got a lot of meeting so we create the ground rules for the uncomfortable potentially conversation and then it is I want to talk about how we're feeling I want to talk about where you see us at and it's okay if really you looked up one day and I don't feel as close or I don't feel as desirable or I don't feel as needed by you or sometimes we don't focus on where we are or where we were but we focus on where we'd like to be tell me how you would like to experience me now are you feeling like you experience me in the ways that you want to are you having the kind of fun with me that you want to have do you feel like I'm as present for you as you wish that I was where do you want us to be a year from now and is that in an ideal situation tell me about the fantasy version of of our relationship that's a great one tell me about the the fantasy of us that you dream of and do you feel like we're headed in that direction or is that something that we're that it just it would be nice but like that's just not us and what would it take for us to incorporate that to actually get there because most of us want to be one of the most important things if not the most important things to our partner we want our partner to long for us and to yearn for us and to feel all all the feels about us and light up when they talk about us and all of those things right so it becomes what would it take for you to experience me like this and don't expect to necessarily get the answer right then because these are not the kind of conversations that we have even with ourselves these are not things we really think about so if your partner goes I mean I don't know I don't know and if they're not used to touching those this is where we get back into many not knowing how to do this sometimes we have to have patience for them to struggle and grapple with that so if they hit you with something that's kind of like well that was a pretty lackluster that was a pretty simple answer and sometimes you may be disappointed CU they'll go well I mean babe that's all I got like what else do you want I'm happy like you take care of everything you do all the stuff you make me happy like what else do you want then recognize and believe them and understand that it may be your yearning and your need that you need to be expressing and not trying to pull something out of them that's not there so if you go that's all you got then recognize okay I have an expectation or something that I'm wanting to hear or to know or to experience so then don't talk about them talk about you well babe I guess what I'm really wanting is I'm really wanting to know like do you still desire me do you want to spend more time with me and if if you're asking those questions also understand where they Orient from do you really want to know if he wants to spend more time with you or do you want to spend more time with him and then we can just get to now we have a destination babe I'd really like to spend more time with you so over the next month or the next three months or the next year what would it take for us to have at least 3 days a month with each other where it's just us where we put the phones down and we just do cool stuff or we just sleep in or whatever it is that you desire but you have to get connected to your picture you have to get connected to what is the fantasy that I'm yearning to live that I'm actually waking up every day trying to push my world towards and I may not even realize it which is why I yell at people which is why I'm passive aggressive which is why I'm a little snarky which is why I'm a little irritated which is why I'm a little disappointed which is why I feel unappreciated or unloved or unworthy or unmotivated or any un because what I'm doing is actually doing things that go away from the experiences that I want to have what is it going to take for me to get in clear focus and then communicate clearly in focus to my partner this is the forever that I'm trying to build and I want you to be the co-b Builder in this with me I love that and I love what you were saying about um is it what you're looking for for them to answer or is it actually a need that you have that you try not because I think a lot of us have been um I want to say punished but maybe that's the right word in speaking our needs yeah and I have in the past been guilty of trying to position a question in away from my husband he's like are you trying to tell me a need that you have now he just calls me on it because we've been together for so long and he knows me very well he's like I feel like you're trying to tell me something right now and I'm like oh my God okay yes because I I slip into even old habits of being that people pleaser doesn't want to rustle any feathers so instead of rustling feathers and speaking up and saying what I need I put the questions in a way that I'm trying to pull things out but I love that you just like that pivot of just understanding what that is and your your um the reasoning of why you're asking and maybe you're trying to speak a need I love that and I've actually heard you say be careful of I think you call it the oneway compatibility oh yeah absolutely and knowing also that people have the ability to put their feathers back in place place that feathers don't have to be perfectly quaffed all the time right wind water environment Ruffles feathers and so our people that we love have the bandwidth to have their feathers ruffled and to be okay so it's okay as long as it's not from a place of disrespect or ill intention or weaponizing information it's okay to say this is the experience that I'm wanting I want to hear you say that you want me right often times as women we go back to that whole romantic thing is that I don't want to have to tell you I want you to just know if I tell you then it doesn't mean the same as you saying it spontaneously and I have to go yeah but you have to know that just because they're not saying it doesn't mean they're not thinking it or they're not feeling it that's the gift part that's the internal part that you're trying to get access to so you may have to ask the question in order to get the experience that you want what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your bestie and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I see you on the inside right that part becomes so important the one- way compatibility thing though to go back to that is recognizing that just because we're compatible with some people doesn't mean that they're compatible with us right compatibility is about how we fit and the easiest way to say that is I remember when I was a kid it had to be maybe like preschool I don't even know how my brain recognizes this but I had like this little ball that was full of shapes and it was the way that you learn the shapes you turn it and you put the shape into the appropriate shape and every so often some of the shapes would go in right the circle would fit into the square the triangle would fit into the star but that didn't necessarily mean that that was the appropriate shape that didn't mean that that was actually supposed to be there so when we think about compatibility we have to know that one-way compatibility is a very interesting thing because just because you fit with me and my life doesn't mean I fit with you it's very interesting yeah God it it's super powerful cuz if everything that we're talking about we're really saying are they compatible to you the reason why I really wanted to start with you know who's compatible to us or for us who's right for us is because of often we find ourselves molding ourselves into being someone that we don't necessarily want to be in order to fit somebody else's Mo mold but now having identified were who is compatible to you it doesn't mean it works the other way and being very aware that just doing all this work doesn't mean then they're going to be the perfect partner for you yeah and having to decide too are they compatible with me meaning who I am at my core what I need in order for my future to be fulfilled or are they compatible with the dream and I'm willing to sacrifice myself I'm willing to silence my own needs in order to have them are they compatible with my fantasy or are they compatible with the reality of who and what I need in order to live my very best life and for them to live theirs often times that's the thing it's like oh I just want you I just want you so bad and I want you to want me whatever we have to do to make this work you know I call it the struggle love a lot of folks oh child please they're just riding this struggle and it's like whatever we have to do to stay together whatever if we got to fight regularly if we have to ignore the parts of me that I need if I have to let go of this intimacy if I have to give up friends for your comfort if I have to stop doing all the things that make me feel like myself if that gives me you then I choose you that's not a way to live not sustainably anyway that is the thing that allows us to slowly die and we wake up one day and go I don't even know who I am anymore more I don't even know what I like anymore I don't even know what makes me happy anymore I don't even know if I feel anything anymore and often times we don't because we've had to turn off those parts of ourselves in order to survive the situation that we're choosing cuz if you actually had to feel the sadness and the frustration and the longing and the abandonment of yourself and the abandonment of your actual life that you should be living it would be horrible so instead we just sit and stay focused but I love you but I got you but you're happy you're thriving you're content and usually they're not either cuz they're not getting our best I've heard you say love doesn't hurt mm expl explain that to me listen listen you cannot be doing the same thing at the same time love is not painful by definition enduring something for love is painful enduring something in the hopes of getting love is painful enduring things to have the potential down the road for love is what's painful abandoning yourself in the hopes of receiving love right the things that we do are often like the admission ticket the cost in the hopes of getting love but here's the thing Love is All Around around you it is are you choosing love or are you choosing who you want to perform something that feels like love for you they are very different things and love doesn't hurt so if you're sitting in a relationship with somebody who you're sad who you feel lonely who doesn't listen to you who you feel unseen or unworthy with that is not love that's not even you loving yourself and so we have to be very clear about what love is and what love isn't and we have to ask ourselves more than anything am I committed to an experience that I want no matter what am I prioritizing that experience am I prioritizing choosing people who want that experience am I prioritizing people who are living that experience who are invested in that experience who are creating that experience or am I committed to the potential to have that experience or even more often am I committed without even realizing it to the experiences that will never create love but this is what I believe I'm deserving of we do that so often so what do you think in situations then when somebody says um let's say they've deceived you and they maybe cheated on you and they're like oh I love you and this was just a mistake that love that can be very confusing because it can really obviously hurt and deceive and your trust is broken but then they're still saying I love you well you know I think infidelity is very different and again it's goes back to us not understanding how things happen it is absolutely possible for me to love you and to make selfish choices that take care of me that are going to hurt you I can love you but do acts that will not be loving acts that wound you do and so when somebody says yes I cheated I made a bad choice and usually they don't say I made a bad choice they say I made a mistake no you didn't make a mistake you did absolutely what you wanted to do in that moment with no regard for what this consequence would be or you thought even if this happens we'll still be able to figure it out and whatever the consequences are that come I can deal with that right so we have to be very clear on that yeah can you actually just differentiate the I love love this the difference between a mistake then a bad choice yeah a mistake is like I did one thing thinking that something was going to happen that didn't happen right I made a mistake like I uh I walked across the carpet and accidentally got my heel stuck in the carpet and I fell I made the mistake of walking in the wrong place I couldn't have calculated what was going to happen I wasn't expecting a particular outcome me cheating is a bad choice and that it causes negative consequences in my relationship but I already knew what those consequences had the potential to be I knew exactly what it was that I was doing it is me prioritizing one need over another in that moment I was choosing to feel desired in that moment I was choosing the the lust that I felt for that person in that moment I was choosing the excitement that came with that it is the way that we prioritize feelings and often times people people wind up cheating because they have not done the work to understand what their own unmet needs are and then they're no match for those needs to have the potential to get met in a potential situation so if I have really unmet needs around being needed or being abandoned or being less than or unworthy and that's a really intense need that sits in me as a wound and then someone comes in and makes me feel really desired or that they really need me and don't want to be without me all of the sudden that hole gets filled by that need and so I rep prioritize that need is stronger in that moment than commitment that need is stronger in that moment than love that need is screaming the loudest and that's the need that needs to be filled cuz that's going to give me relief I'll deal with the guilt and shame and all of that later on if I ever have to and what's the difference then between um making the wrong choice I was about say mistake but making the wrong choice um and then actually sincerely being sorry for it and making a change versus then somebody who then maybe love bombs you because they've done this and they're trying to bring you back into that relationship um where can we start to identify what's authentic and then also is there some sort of um guide that you suggest on either re rebuilding trust or um making a decision to exit that relationship yeah well love bombing is kind of different love bombing is a technique that people use in order order to isolate you when you first start dating they act like you were the best thing since sliced bread they can't get enough of you they are all about you in ways that are so suffocating that you almost can't breathe as a means for them to say this is all that you need I'm going to be everything for you I need you to drop everything that you're doing to come over here and then once I have you isolated then I'm going to show you the real me that's different but what often happens in the honeymoon stage is after infidelity is that the partner tries to step up to hit every single point that they believe now we're back to the representative every single point that they believe they need to hit that will make you happy anything they've ever heard you talk about they want to fulfill it you talked about trips for 20 years now you're going on five trips they talked about dinner every weekend now they're taking you to dinner every night you talked about why won't you ever buy me gifts they're bringing you a gift home every day they're trying trying to do things in this reparation or reparative stage in order to get you back to a space that says fine I'll forgive you I'll reinvest I will recommit I will not leave you so we're back to the statistics now right that probability I'm going to hit all the things in order to make you now tell yourself a story whatever story you have to tell yourself that's going to make you comfortable with staying and and staying reinvested in our relationship the problem with that is that it never addresses the issue that led the person to cheat we get so caught up in the behavior you cheated on me you violated our relationship we never get focused on the why what was the need that was at the bottom of that fundamentally that made you willing to sacrifice all of this because even if we stay together we will never be the same again and now we have a choice will we never be the same again and be less than who we were but continue on in relationship or will we figure out the why and heal that so now we can have the relationship that we fantasized about and that maybe we or at least I thought that we were in and so the cheating in and of itself is not the issue do it is what drove the person to cheat do they have an understanding of that have they resolved that are they aware of it how will they manage that as they go forward how will they communicate with you in ways that make you feel safe and let you know with confidence that the cheating will never happen again because really the cheating is a coping strategy the cheating is what they do as a result of having the need what do we do about the need and if they can't give you a clear answer and the two of you work on a clear plan that holds them accountable that they have to take the lead on they have to be responsible for they have to show and prove constantly that they are managing that and they are aware of that then it's destined to happen over and over because that need will remain unfulfilled so what about being the person maybe that has um had them been cheated on mhm there's always that trust element where I think a lot of people end up second guessing themselves again because maybe there were signs that they ignored um and then there's a problem at least from what I hear from my audience where it's like they don't either know how to trust themselves again to either recognize the signs or they leave that relationship and they no longer can trust anybody and so um you know I read a comment on one of my um episodes the other day which you guys by the way I read every comment so please please always comment I do love them um one person replied and they're like oh I saw the takeaway is to just never trust anybody in that way you won't get hurt oh no it's it's don't put your trust in the wrong people don't put your trust in in people who are not trustworthy the problem though is that what we do when we go into the next relationship is that we project what we experienced right and I was uh laughing about some things that I saw on social media and it was like laughing to Keep from Crying uh because these two young women were having a conversation uh about married men and about the number of married men who are just out here just humiliating their wives in the streets with all of these women that they're dealing with and they were like you know these men are tricking these women off yeah men are really garbage I feel sorry for their wives and that's why I won't get married one day maybe but no time soon and so everybody was talking about the men and everybody was talking about the wives but I was really concerned about what that means for the woman who has that experience over and over who chooses that life over and over because that is what bakes in her core belief about men and it's not every man it's the men that she's choosing so then if and when she finally does decide to try to get married later on she winds up bringing all that into the relationship and believing that this is who he is because of all the men that she chose and so it becomes very important for us to recognize that when somebody cheats it's not necessarily about us it is about them but we have to be aware how did I navigate their cheating what did I learn about myself about my boundaries about how I show up about how I advocate for me what did I learn about my decision making what did I learn about my own needs how do I feel about the choice that I make whether I choose to stay whether I choose to go how do I then participate in my relationship and where we go from here and so it's really about realizing that your relationships are constantly reflecting back to you where you are what was happening with my partner prior to this is this the first instance of them cheating what didn't I know what does that tell me about our relationship what what does that tell me about how they feel like they can communicate about what they will communicate about the space that we make for communication have we even ever had conversations around infidelity have we had conversations about what our rules would be for how we manage attraction to other people do we even talk about the reality that we may find ourselves attracted to other people how do we demystify that how do we take some of the energy and the secrecy and all the excitement away from that by being able to bring that to say Hey listen I'm feeling this way about somebody whoa okay well let's talk about that why why are you feeling that what is it about that person or about the dynamic between the two of you is that something that's missing here in our relationship is that something that's unfulfilled in you is that something that we need to address here within our relationship and the minute that you start to make these actual problems that have the ability to be solved as opposed to dealing with the behavior Everything Changes Everything Changes how God you just hit me with those questions how many people do you think are honest about um finding other people attractive when you're in a relationship and then how personally would you feel Spirit if your husband came and said that to you like I'm really finding this other person attractive if you're confident then maybe you're able to sit with your partner and say oh well what is it that maybe we're missing like or maybe it's you know oh cool okay you find her hot like my husband like because I really want like a nice FM Booty like I'm always looking at other women's asses and I'm just like babe what do you think about her ass and I have zero jealousy or anything like that but I've I've worked really hard on making sure that I build my confidence um and so I could just imagine though in a relationship where maybe you don't feel great or maybe your relationship is a little fractured if you had your partner coming to say to you like hey I really find her ass attractive that could potentially be a trigger for you and and an insecurity yeah see to me that's where the work is though that's what tells me what work I have to do that's my relationship given me an opportunity to heal Now is it going to feel good if I'm broken or if I feel inadequate or if that's like a a pressure point for me no but what am I doing about the pressure point before that moment so we don't have those issues right and then am I projecting that onto my partner because I feel insecure now I'm mad at you that you are having a healthy response like you're am I the only person ever for the rest of our lives that you're going to be attracted to I would be fool to think that relationships and being in relationship don't mean that you're never going to be attracted to someone else it means you're going to manage that attraction in healthy ways that prioritize your relationship and honor the commitments that you make that doesn't mean I'm never going to find you sexually attractive or I'm not going to be intellectually stimulated by someone or I'm not going to be spiritually stimulated by someone or I'm not going to enjoy doing these activities with someone else it simply means that there is a time and a place for that and those times and places will never sit in the same space as the times and places and spaces and honor that I give to my primary relationship so it wouldn't bother me if my husband comes and goes damn I'm something about her is just really like we have a really strong chemistry well that's kind of science you know you're going to be feeling that for other people do you want to act on it is the question and my husband will tell you 20,000 times over babe what we have here is so incredible we've worked for this Blood Sweat and Tears have sacrificed and poured into this and what we know about each other and how we live and how we live into each other that moment is not worth losing that even if we stay together losing what it is changing it by that choice is not worth it and so that's where you want to be in a relationship I really believe it's not about fooling yourself into believing that your partner will never be drawn to anybody else and it doesn't mean that them being drawn to anybody else is always sexual or that they want to act it out sexually it's not always those things but it is about recognizing do we prioritize our relationship in such a way that to honor this is not an obligation it's not an obligation it is a want right like in the same way my husband look at you look at us we could go out if we wanted to today and go pick up whoever we want to today there is no doubt in my mind that we couldn't pick something up out there in these streets if we wanted to right but there's a reason that we don't want to right and it's not even an option it's not something that's like oh I got to work hard not to look oh I got to work hard not to it is yeah he's really handsome okay so as you were saying yeah right and there's a reason for that it's not something that you struggle with it is because the quality of what you built means so much to you that anything else is obsolete I love that so much and that idea is really I think helped me build my confidence instead of my insecurity because in thinking through okay there's what 7.5 billion people in the world are you really are you really thinking that you're the only one that's going to be either your partner is going to be attracted to come on Lisa come and I find even more romantic though Spirit to think that there's 7.5 billion people and yet we choose each other like knowing that I can find maybe a billion other people more attractive or that he can find a billion people more attractive than me like more attracted not even I'm saying on the same level but yet in spite of all of that we choose to spend our life with each other that to me is actually more romantic harder and more valuable yeah because I think when you recognize that your relationship that your presence and your commitment and your giving in relationship is a gift that you give to your partner and to yourself every day like when you think about how tremendous that you choose each other every day that what you have means so much to you every day that is a gift and when you can position yourself in such a way that says I want to make sure that that remains I want to make sure that that grows what can I do to even intensify that right when that becomes the goal your relationship just exponentially continues to get better but it has to be something that you're oriented to the quality of your relationship is something that you have to be oriented to and if the quality of your relationship is not what you want it to be then what actively do you and they have to be doing simultaneously and with consistency to get it to that place place and those are questions that you have to be asking you can't just be in a relationship you can't just be doing relationship that's a verb that's an action and part of that action means we have to have a plan otherwise we are just navigating making the mistakes making the bad choices how invested are you in creating and bringing to fruition the fantasy that you say you want to be your reality I love love that and as you're looking at the quality of your relationship that you're currently in where does like contempt and resentment they start to build over time I don't think people even sometimes realize they have contempt for their partner or resentment um whether it's they're cheating and now you're forgiving them and going back to that relationship and you're secretly just holding something against them or just contempt is just built over time yeah and I think it's important to recognize when you haven't forgiven somebody in that space there's a difference between I'm going back to you and I've actually forgiven you and you can sit in relationship with somebody and never forgive them you can also have a really good relationship and say I still haven't forgiven you for that resentment and contempt is something different that is disdain that is a a repulsion that is a I'm literally it is repelling me instead of me being drawn to you it is repelling me from you and so I think it's really important for us in my relationship personally there there's no room for that and so we have set really firm ground rules very early in our relationship and then I'm constantly learning I tell my clients all the time you're a gift that you give to me because I learn how not to do certain things I'm constantly reminded how it's not the big things that fracture relationships it's the little splinters over time that weaken it and then it doesn't have the foundation to stay standing right those things are important and so for us we have things like for example we have the 90day rule we do not bring up things with each other after 90 days and we've been this way for decades now right so it does two things one it means I'm not keeping a running list of all of the offenses in our relationship because it's really not fair if I want to be with you forever am I really going to hold you to the things you did to me in our 20s and our 30s and now we're in our 40s moving towards our 50s I'm still going to be mad at you about those things how does that hold you hostage how does that hold me me hostage and how does that stifle our relationship but it also holds us accountable to working through the problems if I'm feeling something I need to say it and if I can't say it today because I need time to work on it or to process it or to make it make sense or even to just let some of the intensity of the sting and the emotions kind of settle before I talk about it then we have the place in the space we'll work on that but we will not go back to what happens 6 months ago I will not defend myself for something that I said 2 years ago I will not weaponize something against you that happened 5 years ago because what is the growth in that but even more importantly what can you do about that and oftentimes when we do that that's a coping strategy that we don't even realize what we're trying to do is get something else and so the real goal is to focus on what we want now you're bringing that up for what is in this moment we're back to needs you said that in order to have me think or feel or do what now so then don't talk to me about what happened then talk to me about what you're needing now what is it that you want to hear from me what is it that you need to know from me let's get into what you need now because that's affecting where you're trying to go now we're back to your picture what is the story story that you're telling yourself that you're using that to illustrate or demonstrate or remind or hold on to for what reason and so often times we'll bring up old transgressions because we want to let them know I haven't forgotten because we want to make sure they know that we're still on guard that we're still watching we're still suspicious I still don't trust you right but you want to let them know that for what reason really you want to let them know that so that that they don't do it again so instead of talking about what you did to me how do we talk about how do I know what certainty that you won't do that to me again do you think about what you did to me do you know how it affects me do you know what my struggles are now do you know how this is affecting our relationship do you know what my feelings are the embarrassment or the shame or the lack of worth do you know how this is causing me to feel and if you do know why aren't you responding to me in a way that is going to heal that we get so caught up in the things and the transgressions and the offenses that we never get to the things that will make our relationships better we never get to the things that will heal us we never get to the things that will cause us to actually turn the fantasies of relationships that we desire into reality and often times it's cuz we never learned how we don't know how to do it okay so the 90 day that was so good I'm like I'm so implementing that um so the 90day what else can we do you know I think it's um it's about being intentional about the kind of relationship that you want right so I think about some of our rules which now they don't seem like rules they're just ways that we do things but since we're having this conversation I think we have uniquely between us two kisses so if people you ever see in the streets you'll notice that my husband and I we always kiss each other twice and it came out of a joke um he used to tell me that his grandfather when his grandmother was upset she would always kind of put him out or he would leave and when he came back he would know hey I have to kiss you but I have to kiss you more than once cuz he was kind of superstitious he believed that something bad would happen if he didn't give her these two kisses so every time my husband leaves I'm always like hey one kiss cuz you love me and then one for luck right so we have these two kisses I think the other thing though it becomes about what kinds of things will help us to create the relationship that we want right so part of also about the kisses for us for example I never wanted us to lose the intimacy in our relationship it's so important but it's so easy to do you get lost in the kids you get lost in work you get lost in parents and life and business and all of that and so I always wanted us to make sure that we never leave the house without kissing each other goodbye right we just absolutely have to because life you get C okay I got to go I got to run and so it was kind of like okay so you got to kiss me before you leave I got to kiss you before I leave and we would have days where we would jump in the car get halfway down the street and the other person will see the phone and go oh my gosh I forgot okay hey hey oh where are you uh halfway down the street oh so you left left the house oh so you're not going to I'm turning around now right and in the moment it seems so trivial that most people would go well why don't you just they're already gone like why not wait until the next time because the next time it's just as likely to happen and then all of a sudden it didn't happen twice it happened every day this week and then it happened every day this month and all of a sudden we no longer kiss we no longer have the things where we said intimacy and physical connection was important to us because we made excuses we prioritize this they'll understand I'll get it right next time it is the consistency it is the things that you do over and over we also have what we call the 30second hug and I make this face it drives me crazy because it has become the bane of my existence we implemented it really early in our relationship it was about being able to reconnect right and if you do something long enough there is a moment like when you're frustrated with each other that if you have physical connection you cannot stay mad at a person so somewhere around 15 seconds 20 seconds in you can feel your bodies kind of melt into each other and go and it just helps you get centered so whenever we are feeling disconnected one of us has the right to be able to ask for the 30second hug no matter what and it's kind of like I don't want to I'm usually the one that doesn't want to interesting why is that because I am when it comes to fight flight or freeze I am fight I am always in that space that the first thing that I want to do is pull away that is my nature and so when I get worked up it is give me a second you want is to hug yes and my husband will go oh bring it in bring it and I'm like give me a second he's like no no no are you going to break the rule are you are you going to be the one that breaks the rule and it's like fine I'm going to hug you now do you still do it knowing that it's the right thing to do for your marriage as you you know obviously tongue and cheek joking about the ban of your existence yes where's that fine line between okay but I do it because I know it actually works versus I really freaking hate this I wish we would stop and now you're building resentment for your husband where he makes you hug him yeah no it's not that at all I don't hate it it is what I have learned is that usually what is the hardest to do in a moment is what's needed the most and if you are a person who is used to pulling away if you are a person who's hyper independent if you're a person who's experienced trauma or who has come to believe when the chips are down all I got is me if you're that person then relying on somebody or having them see you vulnerable or having them in that space of intimacy with you and places where you're triggered can be very difficult so what I know is when it is the hardest to do something if it's hard for me to say I love you then you probably need to hear it and I probably need to be connecting to to the love that I feel for you in this moment if I don't want to why cuz what is it that I want to be feeling and then that's a conversation I want to be mad at you I want to feel disdained for you I want to resent you why do I want to resent you and do I want to resent you or do I want you to be different I'm resenting you because you're hurting me so do I want to resent you or do I want you to stop hurting me okay so now how do I put down the resentment because the hurt is the problem that needs the solution you have to be committed to the Future that you say that you want and it's not enough for it to just be in your head as a fantasy it has to be actionable it has to be behavioral and it has to be consistent my girl I literally could sit here and just talk to you forever I have absolutely loved this where can people find you and all the amazing things that you're up to well we're doing a lot of stuff you know mental health is my Jam I wherever I can do it is where I'm doing it I am doing this on every social media platform all over the place like wherever we can make this relatable and wherever we can get the information out to the people that is always where you'll find me so talk to Spirit I always say if you think like gosh I really need to talk to Spirit that's how you find me talk the number two spirit talk to Spirit everywhere You'll Always Find me keep watching to learn the warning signs that your relationship actually won't last do you see it future with me guys I get it this is one of those questions where really they've kind of got three answers yes no or I'm not sure so let's cover all of those all right so let's do the yes all right great now if you see a future with them you can keep going if they say no what does that mean like you actually want the truth right the idea of asking this is to always get the truth so what if they say no the great news is the whole point is to get to the truth so if they say no now that's information that is powerful that's information that you now have to them be able to decide okay they don't see a future do you see a future with them because if you do and you're pouring yourself into it and you're giving your all and your sacrificing and you're like overcoming your trigger so that you can start to trust them and then they say no all right well maybe you guys aren't on the same page but again the great news is I get it's going to stink I'm not even going to pretend yes it's going to freaking sting but guys remember the whole point is is so that you know where they stand so now at least you have the truth and now at least you can ask yourself do I still pull myself into this relationship do I still show up like they are the one even if they don't see a future with me that's your prerogative that's why you ask this question now the second part of this where are you in your relationship because the truth is in my first like five dates with Tom we both were just like this is the best fling ever we both live in different countries we're both just very much physically attracted to each other it's going to be a great summer holiday fling you know like this is going to be an amazing story to tell my homies when I go back to England so if I he'd asked me this question on like the fifth day do you see a future I'm like no but if you are if you'd ask me that question 4 months later the answer is oh my God yes I can't imagine a future without you so please for the love of God people when you ask this question make sure that you're really assessing where it is in your timeline make sure that you're doing it with open ears and the want to actually hear the truth which means you can't be trapping them you can't be asking the question like well do you see a future with me intense p pause and stare right like you want to know the truth for your own sake so that you know how you show up in this relationship and whether it's a relationship you choose to be in so understand there's going to be different times of your relationship that you're going to be asking this question one more piece of thing that I'm going to add to this question actually is knowing that not only does your relationship grow and evolve but you grow and evolve so imagine I've asked him this question early on and we both said n neither of us see a future okay great now let's imagine that we ask this question um either before we get engaged or maybe once we're engaged right because I do think actually it's important to keep asking even 20 years in in my relationship I still need to ask my husband do you still see a future with me it's important I don't just want to assume that he he does so asking that question different parts of your relationship is going to be imperative because when you grow when you change it would actually be a great way of seeing whether your move moving towards each other or moving away from each other now what do I mean by that okay back to when you first meet ask the question maybe you're engaged now right and maybe you say do you do you see a future with me and maybe they respond like of course like I've just proposed to you of course I can't wait to marry you okay great now you got your answer you can answer back now let's say you're in your second year of marriage and you think that you're in love and now you're changing and adapting and maybe you've changed who you are real life situation guys I married my husband hband telling him I was going to support him and have four children well that didn't quite work out I have zero children and my husband has to cook and clean himself so I changed and involved so now imagine that first year this is going to be hard to say guys but that first year where I asked first year of my marriage babe do you see a future with me and he was like oh my god of course I love you like I see myself with you for the rest of my life well now imagine I'm unaware of the friction of me saying I don't want children imagine a world where I'm unaware of the friction and maybe the resentment he's building over time when he says hang on I married a woman that was going to take care of me and now I'm with someone who actually doesn't do any of that and doesn't want any kids so if he turns around and says I'm not sure huh I want to know I just want to know I want to know I want to know why and I want to discuss it because the most freaking heartbreaking thing guys that I hear from so many therapists is when couples come into their therapy session they sit on the couch they say more often than not they know that person one of these people in the relationship knew the relationship was over years ago they did something whether they cheated on them or said something that was you know noo back but something happened and they kind of inside knew yeah this actually was a breaking point but they decide to stay with each other for like 5 6 7 8 years because they think it's easier than addressing the truth that maybe this is the thing that broke us my God it's hard to say but I want to know I want to know in real time if there was something that I did that maybe is a potential Break In our relation ship because then I can address it because then now guys you're not spending the next 5 6 Seven 8 years of your life with someone that didn't even see a future with you because 7 years ago you told them you didn't want children or whatever it is fill in the Gap that's why it is so imperative to keep asking this question it is so imperative to give your partner space to answer it and as always guys if the answer in this situation is do you see a future with me and they say no if they've already said yes before that now you just need to take a deep breath ask them why and start that open communication without being defensive what's missing from our sex life that you're afraid to tell me all right guys I'm just going to say I'm just going to be honest the amount of friends and experts and people that I've talk spoken to about sex all basically the same the same thing so many people get nervous about telling their partner what they want in the bedroom so many people are worried about being judged they're going to frown upon it are they going to think that I'm weird quote unquote are they going to think differently of me is this something that someone's going to judge me on it because let's face I'm just going to be honest because that's why I'm here and that's why you're watching this right because we're fed up of all the freaking BS that is out there in the world so we are here right now and just calling a spade a spade I don't want one of my um let's say my dreams or my fetishes to be frowned upon I I don't want to be judged for it so what ends up happening is I think so many of us don't say that thing that we really want because we're so worried about how someone else is going to respond how they're going to think about us and so the thing that I'm just me and my husband literally laid down from day one is we need to be honest about sex you have to tell me all the weird [ __ ] that you want to do and I'm going to tell you all the maybe weird [ __ ] I want to do and now it doesn't mean you're going to do it it just means that you trust each other enough to be honest and here's the great news guys in these moments by the way just a little side know in these moments this is the moment that you can actually tell if they're going to accept you for you because now imagine you've told them it becomes a stepping stone of trust I've just told them that how did they respond did they laugh at me did they roll their eyes or did they go okay that sounds interesting I'm not sure if I want to do it but did they show respect doesn't mean that they want to do it or have to do it or in on it but did they show you the respect when you said it okay that's number one and then number two is just reminding yourself that in fact when you ask this question you have to say to your partner it doesn't mean I'm going to do it can we just agree to that but we have a relationship where we communicate about everything we have a relationship where you know you can trust me with your most weirdest [ __ ] and I'm never ever going to tell a damn Soul I'm never ever going to use it against you and I'm never ever going to judge you negatively for it that's why these types of question this question specifically is so important to be comfortable to ask as well as be comfortable to tell that's not even even I haven't even addressed once you do start that discussion how you start to navigate because I don't know about you again I'm just going to say it most the time people that I know women that I know they want sex less than men I'm just going to say it guys that's the experience that I've had now I'm not saying that's Universal that's just the experience that I've had so you have this worry at Le at least with some of the friends that I've spoken to where if you ask this question like oh does that mean I have to have more sex it's like let me tell you if that's your response maybe there's something you need to address with your partner because if you're worried that asking this question means you have to have more sex maybe it's saying that you don't enjoy sex which is okay but here's the amazing thing that I'm going to let you guys in on sex is so damn healthy it's healthy for your relationship it's healthy for as a woman as for your hormon it's healthy for your brain so never mind the fact that it's just freaking fun as hell you really do connect with your partner and then also the other thing guys is the one declaration I made to my husband and I urge you I urge you to do this in your relationship we recognize the importance of things that doesn't mean that we're always going to want it that doesn't mean we're always going to be aligned that doesn't mean that I'm always going to be wanting to do what you want or the positions that you want or whatever but we have to keep talking about and we have to agree that bed death meaning that you don't have sex anymore is literally poison to a relationship if you agree to that okay great now we just agree and now what you're doing is you're communicating how you make sure Bed Death doesn't actually happen because you have no idea how many people and sorry I know I'm screaming a lot but you have no idea how many people I hear say oh God sex again or oh god well I have to give it up guys if you're already thinking that I'm just going to say it your relationship's in danger I'm pausing on purpose your relationship is in danger so I want to encourage this question I want you to be able to ask it and answer it with freedom and then navigate and communicate on how much sex you want what type of sex you want what's that thing that you really want to do that you're worried that I'm going to judge you on give them the space to do it give them the space to have that freedom and even if you're not willing to do it what you'll realize is that communication brought you closer together and that's the key that's the key if my best mate flirted with you would you tell me there's only one answer yes if the answer is no I can't trust you and let's face it guys if you can't trust your partner you may as well just break up I'm going to be that freaking honest if you can't trust your partner you may as well break up because you're always always always going to be looking over your shoulder so this one's a nice easy blanket statement of if it ain't yes then I have to break up with you guys I know that these questions are hard but it is imperative that you ask them I just want to show you in real time how important it is to ask these questions and How brave it is to ask these questions so I've actually got a surprise he has no idea what I'm about to ask him but I've asked my hubby to come on they come here baby um which side do you want to stand all right stand he literally has no idea what I'm about to ask him but it's so imperative people do not they're going to think this is a setup I swear on my life that I was walking by and she I had to go change I don't want to lie but I have no idea what's happening now yeah it was so important that I didn't tell him because the what I'm trying to show you guys is in real time how you ask this question and then how you listen all right you ready you should be very tense it's it's the questions we ask each other since we met each other that very hard all that we're normally not on account for all right so babe what's the worst thing about being with me I'll give you the first thing that came to mind but if I had more time I might be able to come up with something better the thing that we always Collide over is and it I even though I know you can steal man my argument I still feel like you don't get it that you hide things all the time and I am so obsessed with efficiency that that it drives me crazy and it just happened this morning and I was literally like I had to like woo on my way through what was it the little hot thing for the plates and so I'm like looking all over I'm like it's not where it's supposed to be and I had to find something so I was like 22 years in and we still because it's a collision of values and I'm sure that's outside the scope of this video but well no actually the real I actually don't think is out the side of the scope because now it becomes instead of me getting defend him he like but the thing L if I had to answer in fact my thing was your messiness and so what's interesting this is literally the thing after 22 years he even said that this is a thing that we Collide over now it may seem small but it isn't guys over time it really does become like you you actually disrespecting me I've asked you not to do this so a knowing each other I just do you want me to explain a collision of values yeah please go for it okay so a collision of values is when you can steal man the other person's argument if you guys haven't heard that phrase meaning in the most generous way possible you're saying okay this is my understanding of why you do this and they can steal men your argument and you both agree you understand my position perfectly and I still think you're crazy and so now you're at a collision of values it's not that you don't understand it's not even that you haven't gotten to the base issue you really really do know where the other person's coming from but you think that that way of valuing things is incorrect and so now you're and what ends up happening is is like I absolutely think I'm right like how can you function in a messy place and you think you're right you're like why on Earth would you even a moment looking for things no that's no no no I you you think you're right but I know I'm right see what I have to deal with guys but in all honesty right this is a conversation in real time that you can see us having we just did it today so thank you for being very honest obviously I do know that I wasn't sure sometimes you come up with other ones which actually is imp you keep asking these questions oh you about to say I'm just going to say they well I mean of course there's other things that we have friction over but I'd have to really think like is there something bigger that one is the one that comes up the most often for sure and I think people will think it's Petty and be tempted because it is funny when we describe it but like when you understand collisions of values are things that they don't go away and it's something that you really hold at a base fundamental level so it can be very frustrating and so we have to have what we refer to as Rules of Engagement around what is the appropriate way to treat the other person when it is a collision of value so for instance I didn't come yell and scream and say like I can't believe it because it's like I I understand her position I know where she's coming from even though I disagree so rather than just constantly getting in a fight about it you have to find a way to deal with it otherwise it's going to drive you crazy and so with this I just had to give up I'm not going to get that thing because it's not worth me trying to find it because I value efficiency so much so I have to have like backup plans for what do I use when I can't find the thing that I prefer to use but when you have those Rules of Engagement instead of it being a fight it's like you go to that next way of handling it yeah amazing thank you that it all right love you love you too bye everybody peace thanks baby so there you have it guys I literally asked him now like he said we said about Tiding being messy that may seem Petty but when you have the same same bloody fight for 22 years it doesn't become Petty anymore it becomes like is he even hearing me he of course he like look how many times do I have to tell her I need that hot plate I don't want to keep looking for it now what he didn't give me a chance to say is the hot plate was under my laptop because my laptop was getting warm so actually it was in the same place it was just under it so he couldn't see it um but even that right it's like I know him I do want to help him I do want I do want our um our relationship to always improve and this is one thing that we just keep heads on and then we keep talking about it we keep asking each other the questions so we've come up with little Min Solutions little Min ways of doing things like at one point I gave him a box and I basic cuz he said you keep hiding things like I really feel like we've got this house and it's all you you know you've got your stuff everywhere and I have my stuff and every time I you know I put my stuff somewhere it's always messy and so I feel like I don't have a place and like I had to really listen to that my poor hubby doesn't feel like he's got a place like so I gave him a box I gave I took my mic off and then she hid the Box she actually hid the box I need people to know that I can see this is what I'm dealing with I literally came back over after taking my microphone out cuz I'm like if she doesn't admit that she hid my box the box of things for me to have this is amazing but you were worth every bit of it in all fairness I just put it in a closet so that's what he gos hiding that is hiding all right I'll leave you love me too peace bye everybody so now here's a thing guys another thing we we have been to the point where we couldn't laugh about it like this because it was such a contentious discussion it was such a contentious thing for us to talk about because we did get to the point where I just felt like like he's really [ __ ] disrespecting me like I can't function in a messy place like I need my sanity I need my clarity I need to have things EMP like I need space and so every time he kept getting messy like I I started to really take it personally and then so did he so how did we go from being the people that took it personally to now we can Giggle and chuckle and it's because we've spoken about it we've communicated through everything we've come up with ideas and strategies and we keep evolving the idea and strategy so yes the box was one of the ideas and strategies he really liked it and then we had a big party and so I threw the box in the closet because I didn't want the box to be out and then of course what ends up happening is I'm not going to take the box out and then of course it upset him because he was like you [ __ ] hide in my box so now again guys this is something we're still working through but you understand that we've communicated about it so much that even if we haven't solved it that's actually a beautiful thing to show it's not like we've got it perfect we still haven't solved it but yet we've been able to communicate time and time again to get past the fact that he thought I was crazy to get past the fact that I thought he was disrespecting me those are moments those are moments that could have actually splintered our relationship it could have actually broken our relationship but we kept communicating we keep talking through it and we keep asking the question because 22 years later in our relationship I'm still not there yet but we keep talking we keep communicating and as you can see this one very thing doesn't become a splinter in our relationship it actually becomes something that brings us together so it's a hard question to ask but remember remember remember you want the bloody truth guys you want the truth because you are here to improve and then bring that Improvement to the relationship never freaking forget that do you want an independent woman guys this is such an important question to ask because if you're trying to be confident if you're working hard every single day to get stronger get more independent less uh rely Less on the people around you and really be the freaking hero of your own own life you want to know if your partner is going to frown upon that you want to know if your partner is going to try and tear that down you want to know if your partner actually is on the same wavelength as you because let me tell you I honestly don't see a world that can work where you're with someone that wants some of this completely dependent on them especially if you want to be an independent woman so this is such an imperative question to ask now look I'm just going to say it guys don't judge them if they say no because who are we in fact I'm just going to speak for myself who the hell am I to tell someone else what they should want who am I to dictate what someone should want in a woman if you want someone that is very dependent on you go after a woman that wants to depend on you but if you're a woman who wants to freaking stand up for themselves if you're a woman who wants to absolutely be able to depend on yourself first I'm not not saying that you shouldn't turn to your partner God Jesus no I'm not saying that I turn to my husband all the time but you better believe I look inwards first you better believe I am the hero of my own life first so does your partner want that type of woman and then also I'm just going to say it as controversially as it is what type of woman do you want what type of partner do you want I'm also saying this for the opposite right do you want a guy that wants an independent woman or a woman that wants an independent woman whatever your your thing is for some reason it's becomes super freaking controversial about talking about Independent Women and women paying for themselves and women opening their own doors and should a man open it and should should chivalry still be around and does that mean that I'm incompetent and God we just need to stop like honestly we just need to stop what type of person do you want to show up to be and then articulate that to your partner one of my very close friends I was having a discussion with her and she was telling me she's single and she was going on the date they finished their meal and as the bill comes the waiter puts the bill down and he looks at her now she's the type of woman she earns her own money she pays for her own [ __ ] she does not need someone to help her financially but she turned around to him and she just said hey just so you know I'm the type of woman I can take care of myself but I value it when a man pays for the bill okay I'm not freaking like be you and communicate you now what was amazing amazing about this story is the guy turns around like oh my God thank God you told me that because I just went on a date last week and the bill comes I go to reach for it to pay and the woman freaked the [ __ ] out she was like what you think I can't afford to pay for my own meal and so now the poor guy was dumbfounded he was like I don't want to offend anyone I'm the type of guy that wants to take care of a bill it doesn't mean that you can't but that's his value system and so he was saying to her like it's my value system I was brought up my mom taught me to always pay for a woman's dinner and so it comes from kindness it comes from like authenticity and so he turned around to her and he was like and so I was so worried because of how that woman acted before I was so worried that in this dinner if I went to offer to pay that you would react the same so instead I just looked at you now that woman perceived that look as being like pay for yourself do you want to be with someone that's independent do you want to be with someone that is codependent or do you want to be with someone that now we're calling independent that's an important thing to know before you date someone or before you or to just find out from your partner and so just communicating it being open and having this discussion with each other because there is no right or wrong don't let anyone tell you otherwise and I was so traumatized by hearing my friend's story that I literally had to ask my my man Stefan speaks what he thought about it because I'm desperate to find a way for us to be able to have these beautiful relationships and not be combative with each other about what type of person what type of woman what type of expectation we have click here right now to learn the high price women pay when they settle for the wrong person and I remember 35 people saying girl you better go get a man you know you almost 40 as if almost 40 is bad I kept asking myself is it better to be alone

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 395,370

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration

Id: 1x33e-cJ9eQ

Length: 136min 33sec (8193 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 18 2023