PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS To Be More Charismatic & Confident TODAY! | Vanessa Van Edwards

this is the biggest mistake i think facing really really smart people i think really really smart people and this is most of my students they're like off the charts smart creative brilliant they make the mistake of thinking i think you gotta have a dream the school of greatness really yeah please welcome is it better to smile without teeth or with teeth in order to enroll people in you as a human being to get anything you want in your life what research found is that a real smile whether it shows teeth or not the only the biggest difference is it has to reach up here the eyes the the upper cheek muscles actually so those eye crinkles yeah i do that a lot though i feel like i squint a lot yeah yeah you got a little smizing right so that's actually the only cure we're looking for so it actually does not matter so if you have a profile picture a dating profile picture a linkedin profile picture i either want you neutral or with eye crinkles the worst is sort of that in between now i don't mind like a soft up mouth right so you and i both have this on our book covers a soft up mouth but it has to engage those upper cheek muscles what dr barbara wilde found is that when they showed pictures of people with the fake smile and a real smile the real smile was contagious so when people looked at the real smile they themselves felt happier when they looked at the fake smile they felt no mood change interesting so the reason why that's important is i think that we think about like oh i want to show up i want to be really my most confident self but what we don't realize is that our cues are contagious yes that if you show authentic happiness you are more likely to infect happiness actually there's one more face cue i want to talk about so um this is the cue that sort of started me on this crazy journey and it got me i'm a recovering awkward person as you know so this gave me a lot of really very introvert awkward person social anxiety all the good things so so this story gave me so much relief what they found was if you are in a room and someone gives you a cue of social rejection what does that look like okay so social rejection i roll us a sigh looking away looking right looking away distancing behavior when we pull our head back and like uh when i angle my head back you know i've just disengaged from you crossing arms and crossing arms uh sudden sudden non-verbal rejection is this turning feet also turning yes we oh we can talk about females okay we can talk about feet hands and feet so interesting i look at the hands and feet all the time i can't remember if i got this from you years ago like looking at the hands and seeing are they in the pocket are they out of pocket yes uh but go ahead before we get back okay so social rejection cues and you know this if you're in a business meeting and you suddenly feel like am i disliked ah he's not he doesn't like this she doesn't like this when we see a cue of social rejection our field of vision increases we see wider we literally see whiter our pupils dilate so we see more the reason why that study was like a light bulb for me was our cues are affecting others physiology our physiology can change in a room in an instant if we walk into a meeting we feel not liked if we feel rejected if we feel like we're being judged our own physiology responds so if we're in a room and we're not feeling confident under control and someone sends us a cue of rejection one you want to know what those are because it makes your feel the vision bigger so you can see who else is sending me a cue what's my escape route that's literally what your body's trying to do yeah ups your adrenaline ups your cortisol and no one can think well adrenaline cortisol that's why in a meeting it can go downhill so quickly yeah you're in a presentation you've prepared all week and then you're like oh he just rolled his eyes oh she just turned away oh the i just saw a weird foot movement uh-huh and then you lose your spot you blank out and the rest of the presentation goes badly the good news is is what matthew lieberman found this is from ucla once you label a cue so if you say that was an eye roll that was a scoff of exasperation that was a contempt smirk the moment you label it your amygdala calms down they've proven that if they when people are in fmri machines and they show them a fearful face so if your face is when we widen the whites of our eyes and we raise our eyebrows up if you're laying an fmri machine and you see fear you will begin to feel afraid your amygdala begins to activate and your body goes well if he's afraid i better be afraid but the moment you say in the fmri that's just fear your amygdala stops responding interesting so i think i've had a really hard time finding confidence it's been a long lifetime journey the way that i've sort of backdoored into confidence is control if i can control the cues that are being sent to me if i can control the cues i'm sending to others it's a secret backdoor into confidence how do you control someone else's cues you label them and respond appropriately so so you can't control how they act towards you but you can control how you react to it how you interpret it how you transition afterwards yes like you can first by labeling it you just controlled your own physiology so if someone sends you a contempt an eye roll you just took control you took control back of nope i see it i spot it i'm disengaging it you know in the vulnerability world when you you know label the shame when you speak about the shame and you bring it to the light it becomes less scary it doesn't stay stuck inside of you so even just acknowledging it is a helpful tool to process shame or i guess social rejection social rejection it's the same actually so for vulnerability yes you're afraid you acknowledge it it makes it less scary it's the same thing in social settings dates professional situations negotiate to interviews the moment you say okay i just heard an exasperated tone of voice or i just saw a lid flex that's the one i want to talk about now what floor i know i know a lid flex a lid flat is that an eyelid yes like like a like a like a twitch or what okay so here you asked how do we control oh yeah that's it you just did it okay so you know zoolander yes you know the blue steel of course okay that is actually a lid flex right so that's a right it's like it's if you if you're listening around hard in your lower lids then like your lips that's what blue steel is the funny thing about this q it's ridiculous i know you're like where are you going with this video it makes sense to me because it's like prove me you're like someone's doubting you oh you just got it okay so what's funny is in fear our eyes widen so if you widen your eyes as wide as possible so you can see the whites you just i can take in way more of my environment when we're afraid we want to see as much as possible when we are trying to see details universally across cultures we have to lessen the light coming into our eyes so we squint the focus we focus so if you like if you were to try to see that dot over there on the wall you harden your lower lids and that is because scientifically proven when we harden our lower lids it reduces the amount of light and we can see more details without you i can see the details on that camera better when i lower lid flat yeah this is why if you open people magazine's sexiest man alive on almost every page along with a flexed bicep are flexed lids and that is because women find a flex lid oh so when they when it's so attractive so an open lid is not sexy is it sexy like slit yes because why women and men both want partners who are deeply scrutinizing who are deeply looking at them so if i'm sitting when talking to you and i go oh really i just showed you wow that was super interesting in fact when we flex our lids we're going from just listening to thinking deeply interesting we're literally trying to see something better so if you're in a negotiation on a date or with a friend and they go really and they harden their lower lids you are like ooh ding ding i just hit something good and so the other way that we control cues is okay let's say that you're and this actually happened to me so this is a story i share in the book i was in a meeting with a very high-powered exec team and if the presentation went well they were going to invite me back for more presentations so the stakes were very high and it was a small group and i was in a particular part of my presentation talking about chemicals and i noticed an executive across the room fluxed his lower lids at me kind of flexed his lower lids he's looking at the slide and i was like okay what's happening he just went from listening to scrutinizing and so i paused the small group and i said all good any questions and i literally looked right at him and i opened up my palms and i said any questions so this is the universal signal for openness it literally means i want to receive i'll share anything you are yes it's literally like let me receive let me be open to you he went yeah you know i do have a question and at the time i was teaching about oxytocin oxytocin i know you talk about it a lot on the show the chemical of connection and bonding he goes i don't understand something isn't oxytocin what they give women to induce labor and i'm like you are right sir they do give oxytocin and that's because it's so powerful that it can induce labor interesting but in our position it's for social bonding it was such a good teaching moment because he immediately felt heard and i know that if i hadn't addressed that concern right then and there i would have lost him he would have been like what he would have been stuck on that one slide and afterwards he said to me you know i really feel like you were teaching to us literally teaching to him and so i think the other way that we can control the cues is we spot it and then we say how can i honor it like that's the gift that we can give people is i can be sitting with someone and say i want to listen to you so deeply i want to listen to your words i want to watch your facial expressions i want to listen to your number but i want to even listen to your voice tone i mean we haven't even talked about vocal power which here is incredibly important and not only do i want to spot that i want to respond in the way that you make you feel the most heard by me so it's spotting and honoring by doing that if you're in a presentation whether you actually acknowledge the person or not are you just saying that it'll bring you back to a more centered place so you can continue on a presentation exactly it makes you feel in control of the narrative it makes you feel in control of and like even for introverts right like introverts it's much harder for us to share a lot of verbal content so for us i want to give you more control over the non-verbal so that when you do speak it's more powerful right so if you're an introvert and you want to make sure you are reading the room really quickly so you know exactly when to say your point so it's most heard and most valued that gives you confidence because you're not guessing yes i don't like the guesswork no i don't either i know you see a lot of these videos online talking about how charismatic someone is based on the way they smile their eyes they even the tilt of the chin are all these different things is it important to be charismatic let's talk about that first yes is it valuable and more important to be charismatic versus less charismatic mm-hmm less to the point yeah yeah credible to the point or neutral energy i mean what's more valuable in society in accomplishing goals and getting what you want very charismatic or neutral neutral okay so this is the biggest mistake i think facing really really smart people i think really really smart people and this is most of my students they're like off the charts smart creative brilliant they make the mistake of thinking if i have enough book smarts if i have enough technology smarts i don't need the people smarts now here's what research from princeton university found that i'm so excited about this yeah okay because already you know what's going to say that since yeah okay so this study completely changed my work and changed my life it was done by dr susan fisk in 2002 and since then they've been able to replicate it and build on it and build on it so this is very solid research which she found very highly charismatic people have to have the perfect blend of two traits and this is where it's really this is why highly charismatic people are so unique is why we love them so much to be highly charismatic to be compelling to be captivating you must have a perfect blend of warmth and competence we talked about this the very very first time we met but since then so much more has come out about it very very smart people make the mistake of showing up as all-competent they try to blow you away with their numbers and their facts and their stats and their data but they're seen as cold yeah they're seen as intimidating on the other side you have people who are highly warm they have confidence but there's not a balance they show up as highly likeable highly friendly but they're interrupted they're told that they're not being taken seriously they're not credible right people forget having met them before and so i think that most people problems i'm going to say all people problems all people problems stem from an imbalance between your warmth and competence and so not only do i think that charisma is essential for being successful i actually think it's the only way that people will be open to your competence so you could be all the book smarts in the world you could have the highest iq and remember everything on any test or you could be an encyclopedia of wisdom and information but what i'm hearing you say if you don't have charisma at least some of it then people won't take you seriously or they won't care as much or they won't be as engaged it's not just engaged there's two questions that humans ask themselves about the person they're with and this happens immediately in every interaction by the way video two we forget that this is not just in person this is happening the moment you pop on video it's happening the moment someone opens your linkedin profile i did a whole bunch of research on linkedin profiles specifically because that's where a lot of our first impressions happen okay when people see your linkedin profile when people see you on video on zoom the first question they ask themselves and it is chronological the first question they ask is can i trust you basic instinct are you gonna be my ally or my enemy can i trust you the very second question they ask is can i rely on you so when you're in a meeting on a date in a call in a pitch in negotiation on linkedin the two signals that you want to cue people with as quickly as possible is yes you can trust me and yes you can rely on me the problem is is that most professionals right now are going mute so i don't know if you've noticed this but it feels like in the last five or ten years we've gone towards ambivalence you know we've gone towards i'm not going to show anything i'm going to be as professional and sterile as possible and so we've taken out cues from all these assets and then people have a really hard time trusting us they have a really hard time listening to us we wonder why people are slow to reply to our emails it's because we're not queuing enough we have to have hundreds of cues to feel to answer those two questions interesting so how do we create more trust and reliability instantly yes okay so here let's talk about trust first because it is chronological we have to trust someone to rely on them that's why starting with your competence doesn't always work so trust so the very first thing is the weird one it's a really weird one that i'm gonna talk about first you don't have to be competent to be trusted to be charismatic you have to be competent and trustworthy okay right so we want that perfect balance right you're trying to smart enough and you're warm and yes likable okay okay so like let's look at this cover so really really successful book covers just like really successful linkedin profile pictures very quickly signal both trust and competence right they both single both these same time okay so um let's talk about the first one which is space space zones okay so sorry i'll give it back to you i took it away space zone zone we're gonna talk about space we're gonna talk about the distance between people so the distance between my nose and the camera lens you can't see it but in this photo shoot i made sure that the distance between my space and the camera lens was a certain space how far so i wanted to be in what's called the social zone okay so this is not made up by me this is actually uh research is based there's four zones for people the intimate zone the personal zone the social zone the public zone remember that um seinfeld episode if you ever saw of close talking you ever had this where someone walks up like right into your face and like yes talks into your mouth okay so that's called close talking and that is the first big rule intimate zone intimate zone you don't want to be there you don't want to be there unless you're about to get intimate or unless you like your friends or you know each other and you're like that's what you do do you talk six inches away from you that's too close no no no no that's like your yeah so here's what happens this is six got you girlfriend inches zero to 18 inches apart is intimate zone okay so here's what happens this is the biggest mistake i'm seeing right now is we're all on video call all the time you're taking photos like yes selfie like yes what does that do when you're projecting a video or a photo of that close it is literally saying i want to get close really really fast and so if you have someone who's super high warmth they're like yes vulnerability intimacy and you're going to track those kind of people but if you have someone who's like whoa whoa whoa take a minute they are they are turned off so what's happening is on video calls you hop on facetime you hop on video on zoom and people are like right up in their camera yeah but their their nose and their camera are are 10 inches apart and so someone's like whoa it's too close yeah it's too close okay so that's the first one is you want to respect the space zones the sweet spot is a foot and a half to three or four feet away that's that's that social zone that's where we're making eye contact if i wanted to reach out and high five you i could we're still respecting each other's space so for those one is when you're on video in your photos that if you want to have that balance you want to be 18 inches to about three or four feet away okay social zone is eighteen to three feet yeah and the personal zone by the way is still good but that's a little bit farther away right so that's uh you're just starting to get to know each other when you see someone across the room or a boardroom or a networking event they're usually about um four to seven feet away which is the next zone which is the personal zone and then you have the public zone which is obviously from far away what we like in human behavior is we like someone to come towards us slowly that's one of the reasons i think we're so burnt out on video you know we we have these back to back to back video calls and we wonder why are we so tired i'm not even in person the reason is because it's cueing us in ways that are not natural in person i walk into a room right like i walked into the office today and you were waiting i was like hi and we and we hugged that was the per that's the way humans like right it's like this from public it's not like you open the door and i'm right there standing in your face that would have been a lot i was a few feet back it was perfect so like that that's natural but on video it's like we're here and that's why we can get so fatigued is because the cues are unnatural which actually leads me to the second kind of trust cue that's important yes is when we can't see someone's hands our brain has a really hard time trusting someone it's so funny i think ever since that interview i'm always keeping my hands out yeah i don't think i was keeping my hands in before but i think i'm just more aware of it when i'm walking by someone who might be a stranger i just have my hands out and relaxed and loose by my you know i'm not like tight or tense and i'm not like hiding them or anything it's just yeah just walking normal say hey how's it going you know i'll even do a little wave yeah just to show that's super charismatic hey good to see you that's it that's it so when we so i love shark tank do you know that show okay i know you had i love it friday nights oh shark tank shark tank so i wanted to know watching shark tank was there patterns between the least successful pitches interesting and the most successful pitches this is cool okay so my team i love my team thank you to my team not not on just based on like what people said but how they said everything everything so we analyzed 495 sharks come on yeah what were the main things you you solved the most successful and those not okay so thank you to jose pina for this research 495 shark tank pitches literally hundreds of hours of shark tank coding every variable we could think of entrance first impression verbal eye contact smiling interactivity math deal i mean we were looking at everything holy cow okay one of the biggest differences between the least successful pitches and the most successful pitches was what you just did hands right so when you walk down that shark tank hallway that is beautiful right that's exactly we're talking about space right public to personal to social to intimate so it's a nice warm-up the best pitchers when they were all the way in the public zone signaled hey sharks no way and they'd walk into the room they'd take their place in their carpet they'd go good morning sharks or hey kevin mark we'd love to have a deal with you they would greet with some kind of hand gesture the least successful pitchers walked in with i think they thought they were being humble but it actually reduced trust they hid their hands either in fists behind their backs in their pockets or holding a prop sometimes accidentally they hid their hands and they didn't hand greet that makes it really hard for someone to say i can trust you and that is a primitive part of our brain that when we can't see someone's hands like if i were to you know do this entire interview with my hands behind my back what's she doing what's she doing yeah what are her hands doing and what's interesting is um susan goldman meadow researches gesture she's on her entire academic career researching gesture and she found that gestures carry more weight than words so if a pitcher a shark tank pitcher were to go on and say today i have a really big idea it's really big and i hold my hands up like it's really big it's really small you're like no way it looks small vanessa looks so small it's not big at all but if i were to say i have three three big ideas and hold up five you're actually more likely to believe my fingers so the reason why this is important is because gestures help lower cognitive load interesting when i use gesture i'm more fluent i'm able to be more competent i'm able to underline my words and able to say this is a really important point can i give it to you hand gestures body gestures facial gestures hair gestures hand gestures hand gestures specifically they are like our body language highlighter that's how i want to think about them what happens if we don't let's ah i'm just kind of socially awkward i like keeping my hands down the whole time when i'm communicating what happens if we don't use our hand gestures at all in a conversation on a pitch whatever now two things one is it's harder for you to process they've literally speaking it's harder to process it's going to be harder for you to get your confidence because gestures are a way that we underline or highlight our words and so if you are inhibiting your own gestures you will have a hard time explaining things they actually did a study where they had people explain two versions of a story notice two two versions of the story one they could use their hands and one they couldn't the one where they could use their hands they had less pauses they spoke more quickly they used bigger words the one where they just couldn't just their hands were just underneath their legs you know what's interesting i was just reading some intros for the podcast right before you came in i had another interview this morning and i did podcast intros and ads and i use my hands in order to do it because i feel like it's coming across as like i'm really engaging yes yes and i remember when i was reading my first audiobook yeah the school of greatness i tried to read it like just kind of like with my hands down for a while and i was like i can't read like i read forgotten how to read my own words being like dyslexic growing up anyways is i'm a little slower when i read in general but when i started be like okay i just need to get in this with my body my hands i felt more confident i felt like i could flow i wasn't messing up as much i wasn't having to stop and restart as much it was powerful yes okay that's an incredible story about gesture because if you watch the best uh like cartoon voice over folks they are using animated right yes they are using their whole bodies in a room by themselves like recording on a mic right but they're like yeah yeah yeah we just did the same thing yes yeah that's what they're doing that's not how i probably are doing it yeah but like susan goldwyn meadows research is called hearing gesture and that is because i am using my hands right now not only people watching but also for my folks who are listening because i know that the more i use my gestures the more charisma i have vocally and i would love to talk about vocal charisma interesting so that helps me but it also helps you so anyone who's watching you're getting so much information they say 12.5 times more information from our gestures come on yes even when you can't see it uh no you have to be able to see it you can hear charisma but if someone can see our gestures it adds more weight to what i'm saying so when i say weight i'm like it's heavy look how heavy that is right but if i were to be like heavy it's so heavy and i i kind of show it away you're like no it's not heavy you feel you can feel the emphasis of the words yes so it's like a highlighter now i have to have a caveat here because i've created a problem in the past yes i love a gesture but i don't like jazz hands right so gestures are great not credible or trustworthy you're like this is some weirdo over here i created a problem where i had people who were like entering their zoo meetings and they were like hello vanessa and i was like oh no don't do that oh no no so it's like a highlighter right you wouldn't want to highlight the whole page you just want to highlight the concepts that matter so let's go back to hands for a second because you said there were four hundred videos i think you guys researched on shark tank 495 pitches and one of the main factors was waving as you were walking in or as you were getting planting planting yes not all the way back like waving some of them did but also once you sat there and said hey hey morning sharks yes hey sharks good morning happy to be here even this happy to be here like an open palm gesture okay what are a few other things that you notice okay yes okay so we love gestures and by the way this is super easy on a video call in person hey nice to see you good morning the biggest mistake we make someone walks in and we go hey we give them a nod right give them a hand that you like them enough to give them a hand right so that's really easy it's like every youtube video i'm like hey friends that's literally how i start every video okay that's the first thing so the second thing is where things get more interesting so remember that these sharks were in pitch after pitch after pitch they're tired they're like they are so tired i've been on set there i've seen like the whole day it's just like it's a lot it's a grind okay so the most successful pitches the next thing we found this was very very clear is that the more that the pitchers could spark dopamine the more likely they were to get a deal now dopamine is a very complicated chemical so just for our purposes eating something no giving them like oh try my yes yes i was like food like taste testing like try like opening try it taste it smell it lick it touch it feel it wear it play it any of any of those senses we love so when we are doing something that's different that's tactile so yeah touch smell taste where play do try that was going to wake the sharks up dopamine is a little bit it's a very complicated chemical but i want to talk about a little differently it does feel good right so if they were to say that sharks sharks today i have a gift for you the brain goes ooh a gift gift a gift again oh give me a gift gift gift gift right dopamine is like that feeling of i want it i want it i want it it's it's a excitement but it's also motivation so what they've found is that when people have a lot of dopamine they are more motivated to do things they are more motivated to figure out a deal they are more motivated to ask questions so when a pitcher went in and not only had some kind of interactivity some kind of a surprise for them and some of it sometimes it was a surprise and they would literally say and guess what sharks why what right dopamine dopamine don't mean so it doesn't have to be like you don't have to walk in every meeting and hand out and like throw throw out snickers bars right love a snickers bar and that will work really well it'll work it will work every time but it's also verbal surprise so it's also saying today has something really special to share right anticipation anticipation it doesn't even have to be something major it can be throwing in those little elements of surprise that people can look forward to and here's the biggest one so this is research that blew my mind it changed the way that i write emails so if you write a lot of emails this study is for you so i'm gonna break it down it's kind of a complicated study so here's what they did so researchers had participants come into their lab and do like a little quiz like a little math test one group of participants read a set of directions that was very simple please take the following quiz take your time use a pencil tell us when you're done very simple set of directions the other participants got the same set of directions but they sprinkled in a couple of achievement-oriented words so achievement-oriented words are words like win succeed master greatness okay those are achievement oriented words there's a reason why this is so so powerful in the directions they would say something like please master all these questions uh take as much as much time as you can to win the right answer right so they just sprinkled in a couple of these words two or three of these words they found the participants who had the achievement-oriented words performed better they actually got more answers correct interesting now this is incredible if you're a manager or a boss or you're working with people and you want them to perform at their best just a couple of word swaps can help set them up for success the second thing they found is that it also doubled doubled participants desire to keep working now they could win succeed achieve they were like they worked on it longer they worked on harder and they enjoyed it more and the last one is that reading achievement-oriented words can change our own dopamine and testosterone that's fascinating you know it's interesting because for years in high school and college i had all there was this story called succession something was called i don't know if you remember this it was like a motivational inspirational story that had like a poster of like an ego soaring with a quote right or like this in my office like something was just like it was like ted lasso you know store yeah just like believe in yourself with like this where is this store i want it okay i think it's called successions i can't i can't remember the name of it i don't know if it's around anymore but my dad bought me a lot of stuff and i had all this sports type of inspirational quotes and you know you know rocky posters and all these things of just people achieving and it and i would stare in this like these walls and i should be like i want to be that let me go take the actions every morning to work a little bit harder to reach the goals and i was just consumed in a success you know word you were literally yeah you were literally priming yourself with those cues another study i promise i won't do too many more they put a picture of an athlete winning a race on top of telemarketers scripts the people who had the picture of the athlete winning earned more money on yes right just in front of them literally a printed picture on their script oh wow so why i share this is because we do not realize that we are cueing people incorrectly or we are missing opportunities in every single email that we send so if you send an email out to your team on monday morning hey everyone today is going to be a busy day we have a lot of challenges let's make sure we're not late research has found that when people read words like busy challenge or late it literally primes them to be busier and later and more challenged you are literally making it harder for them to help you so if instead you think about and this is a challenge i would love to if you're brave enough to take it open up your email sent folder and pull up five emails you've sent to important people boss partner colleague whatever client i want you to print those emails and i want you to count the number of priming words you use good or bad yeah and even more are they warm or are they competent so this is where the next level happens who would give it to me highly charismatic people prime others with warmth and competence this is what i was going to say is one of the spark dopamine a simple compliment or acknowledgement sparks dopamine from from my experience just by seeing someone acknowledging something you appreciate about them or you like about them or great shoes or whatever it is i'm sure you've got a great smile today you've got good energy today that sparse dopamine right oh 100 actually this leaves me my next my next third point my shark tank point we also noticed that when pitchers specifically acknowledged things from the sharks and specific sharks they were more likely to get a deal from that shark i really liked this thing about you you did lori i've been so looking forward to working with you robert i love all your deals with all those athletes mark i've been a huge fan of yours for years or this is this was the winning phrase in a pitch if we heard this phrase it was a high likelihood that someone was going to get a deal which is you remind me of myself that could have been one of the sharks that could have worn the entrepreneurs but the biggest compliment we can give someone is you remind me of me you're my role model i put you in so this is what we're talking about is kind of the next level here is i think that yes i want you to be your most charismatic self i want everyone hopefully who's listening to be inspired to be their warmest most competent self but what a bigger gift what a better way to be great to gift other people to be their warmest and most competent self so that when you're sending an email and you say hey i'm introducing sarah or we have sarah on the call or here's that quick email intro i promised to sarah no priming words what if instead you thought what's the warmest and most competent thing about both sarah and the person i'm introducing to and you say hey i'd love you to meet sarah she's been leading our marketing team for 10 years we are so lucky to have her she's a gem lucky gem leader that is the perfect balance of warmth and competence and you are gifting that to both sarah the person you're showing to and yourself and so i think i think our words are gifts and this doesn't have to be every email but in your most important emails that you the that audit that you send count how many warm words are you using so warm words are words that uh trigger connection trust words that make you feel warm and fuzzies they're very oxytocin words count the number of competent words efficient productive brainstorm leverage lead streamline those are all great competence words uh note a funny note here is um emojis are they good or bad highly warm right not good you can have likability connection high high warmth right so emojis and exclamation points count as one warm word so if you have someone and this happens a lot where people send a highly warm email to an important person hi friend friend warm word exclamation point two warm words i love talking to you yesterday three warm words it was so exciting to catch up exciting catch up five warm words heart emoji heart smiley face now we're at seven warm words or one sentence in right they wonder why they're not taken seriously they're one they wonder why they didn't get a follow-up interview they wonder why that person takes four days to reply it's because it's too much warmth you have to balance out with the competence so i want you to count and see what kind of signals are you sending to the people who matter to you that's interesting do you want to you know you're bringing up something i used to do years ago when no one knew who i was i was just getting started 2007 2008 i used linkedin as a tool to create connection with people that were you know successful business leaders and people that have done things that i wanted to do in the future right and for a while none of them would reply to me because i started off saying like hey i'm just getting started i'm brand new and i'm looking for some advice can you help me those types of warm warm warm warm water languages right yeah all those words you just said are all warm yeah and i started switching it and getting a reply almost every time from anyone like anyone i'd reach out to i was like they're gonna reply to this and i started doing uh a few things in the first sentence i was just trying to find you know spark dopamine essentially is what i was doing i was looking for a mutual connection we had and i'd speak about the mutual connection mutual connection is highly competent it's saying you know this person i know them too i'm in the know trust and one warmth and confidence this person likes me if you like them yeah perfect balance yeah i don't even know that and i was just doing it right and it was working i was like okay let me keep doing this let me find someone that we know in common and i would always try to have a conversation to get some intel on them because you tell me something about so and so and i would speak about that information and i would speak into them i would also look for a couple other areas of interest that we have in common and i would try to have three different things in common in the first sentence or two wow you know something that they did that i'd experienced before or a place they're they're from or whatever some some mutual interest mm-hmm uh within competence maybe that's competence maybe or it's both yeah it's beautifully both yeah so i would do that and then i would just add and then i would say something like i'm really inspired by what you created i'd love to learn your story of success say it again i'm really inspired by what you've created i'd love to learn your story of success oh man that just gave me the chill that's essentially what i did almost every email that sentence we just like to talk about so that sentence is the perfect blend of warmth and competence right you have love you have learned you have success and so that didn't take a lot of words it's not like you were writing them a six paragraph email but it's so much better than let me know if you have any questions right oh yeah or can i pick your brain for coffee exactly you know yeah so i think what we have to do is there are hidden opportunities waiting for you in your texts in your emails and your profiles if you choose to take them yeah and all it takes is a couple of word swaps like i'm not talking about 15 in that direction sheet they sprinkled in like two or three words win even reading the word win makes the other person think more like a winner yeah what a gift to give that's cool the quote that i heard in high school from roosevelt is people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care it saves my life literally that's one of the competence right there because i didn't feel competent in my entire school life right in school i was at the bottom of my class i just graded poorly which confirmed like i'm not smart enough like i'll never be able to be as intelligent as my classmates or anyone in the world so why would anyone like me or trust me because i didn't feel competent then when i heard that quote i go i have a chance like i can build confidence in another area of life i can be emotionally intelligent and i can show people how much i care and by doing that that's been pretty much my whole life everyone who's listening i hope what this shows you is that caring about someone there's multiple ways to do that yes it's emotionally intelligent but it's also honoring someone's cues or gifting them the right cues yes when you make someone feel more like a winner what a gift you just gave them you're putting confidence into them you're speaking joy confidence into that person yes you're literally gifting them the chemical dopamine so they themselves have more motivation yes and don't we all need more motivation absolutely yeah um can i since you shared a vulnerability can i share a vulnerability and a compliment sure okay okay okay so i've been so excited to tell you this so your book school greatness um i love the cover i just thought it was so inspiring and when i was taking my cover shoot for captivate uh this is six years ago now it was not going well i was super awkward my my photographer amazing uh maggie kirkland was like listen like this isn't working you're really awkward i need you to relax i can't relax right the worst thing you can do to someone who's anxious to tell them to relax so we weren't getting the shot we weren't getting the pictures and she's like okay just think about your role models who's your role model i was like lewis howes so she pulls up your book and she goes okay she said look at lewis channel him and so in the shoot i channeled you and i i did your pose of my hands over my stomach with your face and crazily enough that is the captivate i'm going to send you the i'm going to sell how many copies you get a lot i better i better send you some royalties so anyway i channeled you because that even that cue there was something about it so i i thank you for even the cues that you send out because that gifted me confidence you didn't even know about it there you go i appreciate it i'm glad i'm glad it worked what's another thing yeah in the shark tank talking about sparking dopamine what else okay so we talked about reading we talked about dopamine we talked about interactivity we talked about um complementing in a way that allows someone to see themselves in you or pulling out a similarity right so like you know like you laurie we really value mr wonderful we love mr wonderful products right like that really helped i mean it sounds like sucking up but actually it really works it really worked the other thing that we noticed about the interactivity is what they would do is they would cross space zones so they would have something to give the sharks and they would go from the carpet to the chairs that worked usually worked because they were going into intimate zone very quickly so this is called a nonverbal bridge it's kind of an advanced technique do you want to talk about it yes okay so a non-verbal bridge is a way that we cross into someone's intimate space but safely so what happens is when we're with someone we want to connect with them we want more oxytocin we want to bond with them but sometimes it can be hard to break that boundary a non-verbal bridge is a way that we can create oxytocin with permission so that could be handing someone something that could be giving a high five that could be touching their elbow and that is exactly what successful pitchers did they would have a reason or an excuse to hey lauren let me guide you up here hey kevin let me zip on this suit for you hey um you want to try this amazing cinnamon roll and when they did that they created these small little bridges so what i would think about is like how can you create bridges to people where you're engaging them even physically right and that's harder on video but in person that was the thing that we found in that tank how do you do it in a way that the person feels comfortable if you touch them on the elbow because someone may not feel comfortable so you have to be really intuitive to you know is this person going to be receptive to me are they already interested enough where i can get closer yes yes are they leaning in are they giving eye contact are they nodding oh i forgot another one that was really important so um vocal power so we haven't really talked about vocal power and this was a big one in the tank so we hear confidence we hear competence and the biggest way that we do this is with inflection so inflection is the biggest mistake that we make is the question and flexion so the question inflection is when we go up at the end of our sentences right it's also called up talk so if i were to don't do up talk don't do up talk we're going to talk about why so when we use the question reflection it cues the other person's brain to know ah we're being asked a question the problem is is that when we accidentally use the question reflection it makes people question you right they really trustworthy right so what happened is in this study where they looked at doctors they found that the doctors who had uh so i'll break down the study so what they did is they asked doctors to record 10 second voice tone clips and they said like their name their specialty where they worked so it sounded like hi my name is dr edwards i work in oncology i specialize in children's medicine something like that they took the clips and they warbled the words so you couldn't understand the actual words being said so it sounded like right then they asked people to rate these clips on warmth and competence right again this research has been repeated over and over again imagine this for a second you're asked to listen to a clip of gobbledygook yes to see if they're confident are they smart do you like them yeah and people do it what they found is the doctors who had the lowest warmth and competence ratings had the highest rate of malpractice lawsuits that implies that we don't just sue doctors based on their skills we sue doctors based on our perception of their skills and that happens in the first few seconds of hearing them so your communication is everything everything it's not just the words you're using are they warm and they competent it's even how you're saying the words so the very first story i break down in the book and this is in the intro so if you want to just look at the sample chapter you could i analyzed jamie simenoff's pitch jamie simenov is the founder of ring that didn't get any money then it sold for a billion dollars thank you yes here is a brilliant guy right jamie simenov is brilliant he had a successful product right ring is a very successful product amazon acquired it for over a billion with a b dollars yet he goes into the pitch in a shark tank and he pitches and he doesn't get a deal why that pitch plagued me because i was like here is a smart guy with a great idea but his cues were the problem the i think that he lost his pitch this is a really big a really big statement and if you listen to it you'll hear it i think he lost the deal in the first 10 seconds of them hearing him and the reason is he made the choice to close the doors to the tank so in his pitch he doesn't walk down the hallway you don't see that long first impression you don't get public to social to personal he closed the doors and what he did is he went he knocked on the door they're like hello and he goes it's jamie so he asked his own name and when you're a shark and you're trying to make a very quick first impression of someone without seeing them and you hear the question inflection supposed to be used on a statement you immediately begin to question i don't know and that is also because we know that liars are more likely to use the question reflection if you've ever played uh two truths and a lie ever played that game yeah okay so two two's in a lie here's a little tip for everyone if you ever play that game people almost always ask the lie so they'll be like oh yeah two truths and lie um i uh have a goldfish i am a vegetarian and i love dogs they almost always go up on their lie and that's because when we're lying we don't know if you believe us so subconsciously we give it away so jamie starts his pitch and he doesn't have a first impression he doesn't do any greeting in the hallway he misses that whole walk-up the very first words out of his mouth doesn't even matter what he says is and then mark cuban says uh are you here to pitch and he says here to pitch again using the question reflection i think that what happened was is it gave away his competence and then the doors open right and he explains this idea of ring it's a doorbell the problem is is his first impression was very low incompetence and so he had a lot of trouble having the sharks take him seriously he was a very competent individual building his business right he was very smart very intelligent knew the technology how to build product teams all these things get sales whatever it was but the warmth wasn't there as well it seems like right like the trustworthy charisma warmth confidence he under signaled every step of the way so he unders under signaled warmth he under signaled competence and then was trying to dial up and you hear in the rest of the pitch he's trying to build it back up he's like yes but we've done this and look we've got this technology and his money and then this and so he cannot get it back he couldn't get it back and so i think i watched that pitch and i break it down in the book of what happened to this brilliant guy who had one bad day and i think that if he you know he scripted those answers he prepared for that pitch and he had really good verbal answers there was even a couple times where i think this thing happens for people who over rehearse so if you have an interview or a presentation what do you do you rehearse it right you practice the perfect answer that can get in your way though because if you practice the perfect answer this is exactly what happened to siminoff and very highly intelligent people do this he would hear a question from a shark usually a challenging question because they were like really pushing him on the deal and they didn't believe him no one believed him they all thought oh no it's too crowded over market it will never work they literally said that to him okay i have a ring on my front door yeah and they literally said number he couldn't believe him because what would happen was they would ask him a question he would start to answer it organically and then he would switch into his rehearsed answer oh yeah so you would hear oh yeah yeah we do have market track our america attraction has been wonderful in fact the last five years we've done x numbers and you would be like who is this robot yeah just say what's on your heart yeah yeah just say it organically right and so i think um you can be the smartest person in the world you could have the best ideas but if you don't share them right you're not helping people help you and so that that's my it drives me crazy when smart people can't get their ideas heard and that pitch crushed me i felt so bad for him and he made it he's okay now he's doing really well when he was like a guest shark or whatever yeah okay and what's amazing is when you watch him walk into the tank as a shark you can see the difference you can feel the difference the confidence oh mike you know he walks into the tent he walks down the hallway right he walks in the hallway he's smiling he gestures hey everyone good to see you he shakes hands he does all the things he didn't do in that original pitch and um you can see the difference and it hasn't he's the same person same person same ideas similar suits yeah he looks like a different person fascinating it's not about what you say it's how you say it um how you present yourself and your words uh and your words [Laughter] i'm curious about this there's a big topic out there right now i just did a recent interview with uh dr romini who is a therapist psychologist talking about narcissism a lot today can you talk to me the difference between charisma and narcissism and how can you spot when someone is actually warm and caring and charismatic versus someone who uses the skills or the tools of charisma in their narcissistic approach towards manipulating controlling and getting what they want in life so this is my biggest fear with this book this is my this is my single biggest fear and it uh was an issue for me when i first started writing it is i'll be honest you can use this book for manipulation yeah of course and that scares me and when a smart person is narcissistic is going to study everything and then start using it it scares me so how can you tell the difference the subtle cues these are very subtle now very subtle yeah so we're talking about big to subtle right there's like a range of them so first is it is my biggest fear with this book that people do not have the right intentions and my hope is that we can actually use these powers for good and not evil that is the number one thing is you you can if you want to here's a good news there are certain cues that we cannot control and if you have bad intentions they will leak so i call these danger zone cues so in the book i talk about there's four different types of cues there's highly warm non-verbal verbal and vocal so these are things that make you highly warm highly trustworthy highlightable there's highly competent cues verbal nonverbal and vocal and then there's charismatic the ones are just knocking out of the park like they're just great and the last one is danger zone queues danger zone queues are the cues that get us into trouble they're the cues that liars use that the way that we leak guilt and shame actually shame is not a bad thing it's only when you have guilt that you've done something wrong so in the danger zone it is very hard to inhibit those cues so i teach them because i want people to be able to spot them okay what are those cues okay so there's a bunch and all let's talk about as many as we can so this might be someone who's very successful someone who's accomplished a lot potentially someone that seems very credible someone that could be in a power position owning a business or having influence online or something like that right yeah yeah extremely success they could be successful they could seem credible trustworthy yes but might be super narcissistic underneath yes so there's a couple danger zone cues that we can control which a manipulative person could inhibit right so for example one that i found that i talk about in the book is lance armstrong so lance armstrong for those who don't know spoiler alert uh lance armstrong was doping so someone was like there was spoilers in the book and i was like you haven't heard it i also talk about britney spears in the book uh because there's some really interesting cues on her which i think why we're worried about her why her fans worry she's she shows a lot of danger zone cues so lance armstrong in one of his early interviews on larry king live he's asked about doping and he does what's called a lip purse so lip purses okay when we push our line our lips into a flat line we mash our lips together that is a universal withholding gesture so when we're literally trying to hold something in or hold something back or we don't like what's being said or heard we go and so you'll notice that when someone has been asked something they don't like when someone had to lie a lot of the time so we did a massive experiment in our lab where we asked people to send in videos of themselves lying actually you play in the book it's called lie to me so i have you lie to me uh play this light in the game to diagnose your own towels it's very important to know your own towels because you should know what your danger zone cues are when you're licking them and one of them you should know those it's good to know those in the back of your pocket um do that with your partner right you don't want to you want them to know what those are too um so one thing that we notice is on lies that was one of the biggest indicators so in live any game we ask you to do two things we ask you to tell us an embarrassing story your most embarrassing story and then a fake embarrassing story and we want to see if we can tell the difference if we cl if we cut the clips can we know which one is the fake one man that'd be interesting yes and it's amazing you see the same danger zone cues over and over again right before someone's about to lie and tell their fake embarrassing story they go okay and they lit purse right before they're gonna do it and that's because we don't like lying our body knows it's gonna get us into trouble so we're like stop it stop it stop it and we hold ourselves back you ask a woman how much do you weigh she'll go like literally close those lips because no woman wants to talk about how much she weighs so it's a withholding gesture and so that's the first thing is you want to look for some of the bigger cues withholding gestures lip purse is one a sudden distancing behavior so we also noticed that liars in our lab they wanted to like get away from the lie like as if it smelled so like when they were telling their most embarrassing story they'd be like leaning in using gestures always so embarrassing remember embarrassing stories are negative right it's not like it's a positive memory it's like people are like and they do a shame touch the universal shame touch is when people uh touch their fingers to the side of their forehead what's happening oh gosh i'm so embarrassed so they usually tell the truth and they do like this yes because they're actually embarrassed right so these are all good like congruent right we're seeing embarrassment and shame gesture we're seeing negative nonverbal people shaking their head i can't believe that happened right like they oh they're so upset that happened we're seeing cringes we're seeing fear we're seeing sadness congruent right like that's all congruent emotion on the bad stories we often see people will lip purse and they try to get away from it so they'll say a statement and then uh you know and then and they're literally like as far away i hope i'm not messing up my audio they're as far away from the lie as they can possibly get they're leaning back they'll sometimes literally lean their head back in the chair and that's because physically we want to distance ourselves from things we don't like so we're looking for lip purses sudden distancing and there's a lot of cues that we can't control right so blink rate is another one eye blocking behavior is um liars have higher blink rates they blink more yeah actually in britney spears she had a really interesting interview that i i actually break this on my youtube channel so you don't have to read the book if you want to see it where i break down the cues in this early interview this is right before the conservative ship started so very very full of cues because it's right before it happened and she gets asked a very difficult question and she all of a sudden her blink rate goes from a normal rate to a high rate so she starts to to really quickly blink her eyes like this and that is because when we're really nervous we literally want to close out stimuli to not see what's happening so we can process what's happening so blink rate is something that a lot of manipulative people cannot control in fact when i share this people go oh i know a very narcissistic manipulative person who has a very high blink rate interesting because they're literally like trying to block out the lie or the manipulation and so they'll sound really good but they're like really like processing a lot and you and you're like why are they blinking so much and it's because they're trying to process oh my goodness so just knowing those cues are not all bad on their own but just it's important to know what those cues look like so you can spot them and i do think i really think manipulative people will get caught eventually it is very hard to fake competence it is very hard to fake warmth it's hard to keep that yes and so for the long game yes you can learn a couple of these cues and try to master your way around them but for the long game it's really hard i mean look at you know theranose right so um elizabeth holmes so spoiler alert their nose did not go well i feel like i always have to say that so one of her interesting cues is um i don't know if you've ever seen her talk she has a really she uses a really deep voice like fakely deep like down here and people used to say like is that real it's because she read in some q book it wasn't mine because my book wasn't out then thank goodness she read in some book that having a lower tone of voice makes you more competent and that is true research has found that people who use the lower end of their natural voice tone are seen as competent that's for both men and women so you have a very deep voice and it serves you really well when i'm talking right now i'm trying to use the lowest end of my natural register when i'm talking to my thomas right right when i'm talking to my toddler i'm much more up here you know hey baby how are you but if i were to do my entire interview like this thing would drive you crazy right right you want to feel competent no and it wouldn't and people would go i go i can't i'm not taking or take her seriously so she read that study obviously it went an octopus oh there you go and when an octave lower so it wasn't her natural voice tone it was like one step lower than her voice tone she was always talking like this which in an interview she would talk like this and you would hear that this just doesn't sound natural and part of your spidey sense would be like why is she talking so low it sounds really unnatural and it came out that when she was drunk her employees noticed that she went back into her natural register wow so there are cues they will eventually don't drink alcohol don't drink alcohol or you're gonna get caught so like you can't keep it up for that long right it is that she was faking that cue we think i think you're also just your body is out of integrity like the more you're you're keeping back something you're telling a slight lie or whatever i mean i felt this from the past because i've been out of integrity in my life at different times from different stages of childhood to adulthood right for little white lies to bigger stuff hiding from my parents or whatever they feel bad so you're like oh like something inside of you feels off right and then you gotta like keep the lie up and you're like uh eventually you're gonna explode or you're gonna have a heart attack or something yeah it's going to leak it's going to leak you leak those cues and like those are the cues that we're looking for like i want you to be on the lookout for them because when something feels bad like even like something feels bad even just then when you were saying it felt bad your voice tone changed right just then yeah because when you think about oh i'm like think about seeing a toxic person and i know that people probably have toxic people in our lives and this is why toxic people are so challenging because toxic people put us out of integrity toxic people force us to use warm cues where we don't feel like it now we can do it what do you mean we got to be nice to them or something yeah so like if you have a toxic person and this is the thorn and and i think our work is i want everyone to be their best selves i want them to show up as their warmest most confident self but what if you have a toxic person how do you do that authentically and this is what's so hard about toxic people you have a colleague or co-worker or family member you don't like right and you have to break out the fake warmth cues oh hi how are you right and so what do we do we fake smile right so oh it's so good to see you great and it's like i don't look like it right or we say oh yeah so how oh that sounds good congratulations great you know your la roots are coming back to you right that's why talk to people challenge us is because they come into our lives we know we're supposed to be warm and so we try to force that warm sound and it comes out sort of forced and it makes us feel bad and then we're trying to overcompensate for it and so you know what the antidote here is not learning more fake warmth cues it's it's time to get rid of toxic people i think that's like the side effect right of the book is like don't keep them around yeah keep those people around because it will leak and so set boundaries it will leak like your integrity will leak because you're constantly trying to be nice but they're actually out of integrity because you don't want to be right is that right right that's exactly your body is like i'm doing something that's not authentic to me because i feel like i have to with this person that's right and the more frequently you do that you feel out of integrity with yourself yep exactly so yourself yes that was perfect because you were asking a question i knew yes is if you allow toxic people to come into your life especially without boundaries we have to have some of those people we deal with if you don't have boundaries around them they come into your life and you have to fake niceness and that feels really bad what happens if let's just say there's a person you don't like yeah maybe they're not toxic there's someone you don't like and you don't like being nice to because you feel like why am i supposed i just don't nothing wrong there's not my person yeah totally let's say you're in a work environment yeah and you're at a company got 50 100 employees that you're working with you're on a team with and you're just okay i'm here yeah is it better to be inauthentic and lie and act nice around this person friendly fake how are you interested even though you've like been around them for six months or a year and you realize you really don't like them or is it better to go right after the person after six months say you know what i just want to be completely honest and not fake with you because i feel like i've been fake that i don't connect with you i don't like you i think i think you're out of integrity i think you're authentic and maybe i'm being judgmental but i'd rather be honest with you and fake nice to you okay that's a and b can i give a c sure okay so i don't believe in fake it till you make it so i i i try not to give like fake it i don't i don't roll that way like i just think it's exhausting i think it's gonna leak the c option here is to not fake warmth but is to double down on competence so if you are working with someone that you don't like the one thing that you do have to do is get stuff done with them right you have to master your tasks you have to be on it you have to be responsive to emails so that is something you can be authentic about because to do your job you have to be able to get along with them in a very professional setting so i would skip all the fake warmth stuff don't go right in confidence yeah right like stick with where you're authentic which is like i don't need to hear about your weekend i don't need to go to happy hour with you um i don't need a fake sitting with you for coffee but you know what we can get stuff done you know what we will align uncle boundaries around the hey let's go have coffee so busy i'm so busy today but you know what let's do a brainstorm session tomorrow at the end of the day so we can really kick off yeah yeah so get back to like the mission on the task on hand the confidence and maybe you've just got to be like okay this is someone where you know 20 seconds a day i've got to be around someone that's trying to be fake lady daddy with everyone and i'll just wait i'm going to get stuff done and then i'll move on to the next that's it exactly because then at least you're focusing on where you can be authentic and also that's even if that were to come up you could honestly say that kind of conversation could be listen like you know i'm i'm not really into like you know connecting at work i'm more about getting it done i want to get home to my kids and my family i hope that's okay with you you know when we're together if it's all right i might skip lunch and just have us like you know work it out and be really efficient i really appreciate how efficient you are because it allows me to get home my kids faster right like that's authentic so what can you appreciate about them that's competent yes what can you highlight about them that's competent what if you don't feel like they're warm or competent you're like this person on a team is just that they can't get anything done they're not smart and they have fake attitude around me all day i mean this depends on how you feel but i would say deal with it like you've got like go to your boss right and say hey you say like i don't know how i can work with this person i don't want to be unauthentic but i'm telling you that we're not getting stuff done and they are causing issues on the team like i don't like to ignore that stuff like you can hope it gets better but ask for help if you have someone on your team or someone in your life who is not warm nor competent and doesn't treat you with warmth or competence either get them out of your life set a boundary or get help give them life don't live with them or something yeah don't live with it life is too short to feel fakely competent or fake warmth right what's been the uh i think i asked you this last time what's been the charisma strategy yeah you want to call it strategy you weren't sure about that for sure i don't know what the word is right but what is the charisma or social cue that you've learned in the last six months that has brought some new attention to your life where you said ah i wasn't aware of that fully but now the research is showing that when someone does this it improves this there's a new queue that i snuck into the book in the very last draft because i just learned it and this is actually brought to me by one of a couple of my male readers and i'm so curious okay do you agree with this louis okay here's what they said so in the book i had a whole section on nodding so nodding affirmative nods upside down right yes yeah yes you're an honor it's a really high warmth we love it we thought that was good yes is great because vertical nods and by the way this is different in certain cultures where they'll nod are they not um sideways that's different okay so just vertical nodding in western cultures is agreement it's yes in fact research has found that when you nod at me slowly i speak three to four times longer ah that's cool that's why you're a good interviewer is because you'll not be like keep going yeah keep going i'm just kind of i'm just like a bobble head i'm just kind of like yeah like very slowly i'll pause i'm like okay cool okay well actually you're right slow knotting is tell me more fast nodding is finish up yeah okay okay got it i got it right right right okay so that's the difference there if you want someone to wrap up in a meeting give them a one two three triple knob like i got it if you want them to keep going an introvert uh-huh yes okay so that's the difference that's number one so i shared about this i taught it and then a couple of my male readers said to me you know vanessa we think that there is a secret nonverbal cue between guys no i don't know what this q is here's what they said if you know a guy and you're trying to acknowledge him guide a guy you're not up yeah good to see you it's literally like an open gesture you're open if you don't know a guy but you're trying to acknowledge his presence you hey good to see you oh wow that's so true is it true that's so true yeah oh good to see you yeah yeah acknowledged good to see you yes hey what's up buddy okay yeah it's so true okay so this is so i snuck it into the book wow that's fascinating i wonder is that like biology is that yes like okay here's my here's my theory on this as soon as i heard this i was like and i started looking i started watching men i asked my husband i asked my guy friends and this is why i think it happens when we know someone we expose our jugular so this is a very vulnerable part of our body and we're saying i know you i trust you look i'm opening i'm acknowledging you and i feel trust with you yes when you don't know someone what you want to show respect you're not down to protect your drug dealer i don't know you but i see you i got you i got you i i'm here for you kind of yeah but i'm here [Laughter] do i know you or do i not know you so in that sense makes sense this is a high warmth cue hey buddy what's up it's hi warmth you're showing your jugular this is a high confidence cue hello good to see you i look ridiculous i don't do that all right i'm like hi you know so i think that that that was a that was so surprising to me because there's so much more i think to be done like i list 96 cues in the book right there are that's just the start i think i'm we're discovering more and more and that's where like the excitement comes in so that was the new one that's so cool and what about what are the three most powerful cues body language cues of leaders okay so this is the competence area of the spectrum right so when we talk about charisma we talk about warmth competence charisma and danger okay so three body languages of leaders um the example that i give that i really like to teach from is the nixon kennedy presidential debate okay have you ever heard of this hysterical we were not around these debates i'd be shocked if you'd seen it so we want to be in the high there you go the high charisma there you go yes we want to be doing those queues all the time that's right we want to be in the star so right now we're you're talking about competence you just ask me about leaders so leaders typically are high competence and they can go into warmth when they want to high confidence and charisma right are there high confidence and high warmth yes exactly right so highly competent cues if you know that you're warm and you need to dial up competence to hit the sweet spot these are some cues that will help you and the my favorite is from the nixon president nixon kennedy president debate so this have you heard about this debate before it's kind of remind me okay you're like actually yes i watched it on the history channel i mean maybe you mentioned this before but isn't one of them was angry or something i can't remember what happened but so this is this is why i like this story is because it created a puzzle and i like puzzles so here's what happened during this part in u.s history nixon and kennedy were running for president and about half the population watched the presidential debate on television and about half the population listened to the debate on the radio everyone who watched the debate was sure that kennedy won and everyone who listened to the debate was sure that nixon won wow and it was the first time where there was discrepancy between the winners the perceived winners because one sounded competent the other one looked warm one sounded like a leader and one looked like a leader ooh you match them together that's the sweet spot that's the star okay that's the star exactly so one sounded like a leader so nixon sounded like a leader he had really good vocal power but he looked like a loser and i hate to use that word but he himself said in his memoirs he believes he lost that entire presidential election based on the first few seconds of that debate first few seconds he himself said that what he's what happened that's always all it was kind of like the shark tank guy trying to buy back confidence and warmth he gave away his competence in the first few seconds of the debate so anyone who saw it went oh no no no no this guy is not a winner and this was before they even spoke so in the first 30 seconds the debate neither of them speak you see them on camera and if you were watching you saw wow nixon looks so weak and here's why what most people don't know is that nixon had just injured his knee on the campaign trail and he had been in the hospital for the week so he came in with a bandaged knee and a fever kennedy had been tanning yeah he was he was like nice suited everything he was ready to go and also a kind of funny thing is the debate was in black and white and um nixon's suit was too brown it blended into the background so we i talked about color psychology at the very end of the book colors and so that was an issue one that he didn't pop as much on the black and white okay so he shows up and he's sitting what's called the runner's stance the runner's stance is when someone's you know runners before they win a race they like go into the crunch position one leg back we know this as a readiness position universally across cultures if someone's about to run away from us they will get into this position right like they're literally about to run away it's why sprinters start a race like that well nixon spent the first 30 seconds of the debate in that position because it was knee because if he was knee pain he was trying to like he was nursing it yeah but it made it look like he was about to run out on us that's from a just a quick non-verbal perspective the first impression was where is he going even though people didn't consciously realize it he looked not planted and we don't like leaders who aren't going to stay with us whereas kennedy on the other hand he had a really nice relaxed cross and he used what's called humility hands research calls it humility hands humility hands are when your hands are on your leg and they're resting humility humble humble so he looked relaxed calm here to stay you know not 10 minutes i'm here i'm your leader right so he looked quote unquote presidential so first the runner stance second is this is in the first 10 seconds sitting they were sitting next to each other no so here's your first snapshot of the debate and you see kennedy humility hands yes relax sitting tall and then you see nixon who's like ready ready to leave and we see these cues and people already made their decision but people who were listening didn't see any of that right they heard the voice i heard the voice and so nixon lost the debate to kennedy he lost the election to kennedy and he said in his memoirs that's why is because of the cues i sent and so for leaders here's what we want to think about one is relaxed here to stay so the more you can settle into your place the distance this is such a weird measurement i want to see the biggest distance between your earlobe and your shoulder the reason it's not like this yes yes because why when we are confident we are winners we take up as much space as possible right we broaden our shoulders we tilt our head towards the sky winners feel pride so we look at the distance between someone's ear and shoulder we're like oh he looks she looks confident when someone hops on a video call this is the mistake i see hi everyone shoulders pinched up towards ears and we wonder why people aren't taking us seriously we wonder why people are interrupting us is because this distance if i'm like this hey everyone happy monday with your tonality as well but yeah right like if i start a video call like this so um today we're going to talk about some updates and i'm going to go over some different slides with you and we're going to wait a few minutes so people log on rightly so horrible if i'm on your team are they is everyone just like hey yes are you just calling each other out on your soul everyone's a winner on my team they're amazing right like we like we like play music like yeah right of course you can lean in sometimes you can but in that first impression especially right it's like hey good morning everyone good to see you so i want you to think about profile pictures videos i love chairs with armrests why it helps our our shoulders stay grounded so that's the biggest one is taking up space the second thing that happens that also gives you more vocal power so if i were to do my this entire interview with my uh shoulders up it would look bizarre right i would look scared you would be more closed yeah it would be and so if i tense my vocal cords right now i'll begin to go into vocal fry so vocal fry have you heard this before when your voice sounds like sizzling bacon i just don't know i'm not sure but like i was just thinking about it and if it's oh my goodness it's horrible and the reason why we'll accidentally go into fry is because we're literally clenching our vocal cords and they cannot get enough breath vocal fry not to be gross but vocal fry happens when our vocal cords rattle together and that's what we're hearing is the rattling that's why we don't like it and so when you have space you prevent vocal fry okay if you hear yourself in vocal fry here's the quickest fix you have speak louder right so the best way to get rid of vocal fry is to just up your volume it will push more air through your vocal cords it makes them uh hum yeah if other people on your team are using vocal fry just ask them to speak up and speak a little louder yeah that would usually get them out of uncle friend okay little secret don't don't blame it on me but that's a really easy way to if you're interviewing someone and they're in vocal fry and you know what's going to drive your listeners crazy just like you know the audio they just can't hear you could you speak a little bit louder it will work now what's the difference between the humble hands on a knees or on a table i guess right here is this work on a table as well yes yes versus hand over top of the other hand which is relaxed but also his closed body yes versus two hands two hands side by side relaxed not like intense but relax side by side what's the difference between these two perfect questions so your book cover your book cover is hand over hand yeah and they're relaxed yeah and it's a closed posture but it works right and so it's okay to me as long as your hands are relaxed i don't care if they're closed or open now i do care about this so when we protect our trunk arms crossed yes i do care about this and why is because when we are crossing like this i know it's comfortable for some people what research finds is two things one is we look more closed off so we never want to close off but second they found that when people are trying to be creative or strategic they literally cannot generate as much ideas when they are like this what's the alternative humility hands open posture holding a drink typing at a computer taking notes anything else anything else like that anything else so i love props so i the way that i don't cross my arms because i actually like to cross my arms um relaxing you know kind of like i know but actually if you're thinking or processing cross away right if you're if you like take a minute take a step back it's a great way to break so i hold a clicker for presentations and a pen you know like for slides because every time i think about crossing my arms i remember oh i have the clicker when we think about getting rid of i call them like bad nonverbal habits right so ticks so um crossing arms uh those are all bad nonverbal habits slouching slouching yeah it's really hard to just say don't do that so what i'd rather you do is replace it displacement tactics okay so you don't you know you cross your arms can you hold a coffee mug can you hold a pen can you hold the clicker can you always have a moleskin notebook i have a student of mine who always has a moleskin he doesn't need it he just holds it he has it he opens it up and he'll write the date and the meeting name and what he had for breakfast but that's it he literally used it because if he doesn't he puts his hands in his pocket or crosses his arms and so he has it in front of him because it helps him feel very grounded a replacement tool it's a replacement tool so i would think about what are some tools you can use that will help you do that what about like what about the uh the finger crossing so like look at the difference like this when i'm white knuckling you can see that i am tense i'm trying to keep it together vanessa right like this is this so this is called a steeple the fingertip oh i love a steeple yeah so it steeples when the tips of your fingers touch and like a church steeple it's like mr wonderful just does this the whole time exactly you will notice that when yes when mr wonderful is trying contemplating a deal he'll go like this why doesn't it make you feel like you're just in control and so this is a a really good power gesture it's one of our competence cues that's why i have it on the cover of the book is to show high competence um because it's about getting in control the steeple we love it because it shows our palms which shows we're not concealing anything do you want the steep off pointed at someone or any of those any and all whatever that would appear like the diamond i wouldn't do this i wouldn't be like hello everyone good morning so here or pointed out that was right totally fine you'll notice that like mr wonderful does it perfectly he'll like go like this he'll tap it the only thing i would be careful of is drumming fingers that looks like mr burns evil right don't look like you're scheming like that can look a little bit crazy but if you're like oh yes i'm thinking about it now i want to give a caveat please only use cues that you've tried on a few times and feel natural there are some cues in the book where there's 96 keys in the book that i still don't like i've tried them every which way and i do not like them what's the most powerful cue that you don't like but you know it's extremely effective in charisma or connection or trust or probably leadership volume so research shows that people who speak in louder volumes literally are taken more seriously but that makes me a little bit uncomfortable and so even on stage when i'm like really excited i still don't want to be like let me tell you about something very oh god that's horrible yeah i don't like it but volume dynamism is a cue i teach in the book that i have trouble with but the research shows that people are more trustworthy or more competent competent it is a competent key because if you're soft it's like you don't believe in your words it's actually volume dynamism so it's being able to use your volume to match your intention so for example so tonality and fluctuation at the right moment yes yes yes so like for example i feel a little ridiculous when i do this this is why this is what's cute that i struggle with which is like let me tell you about something super important yeah i just feel ridiculous but some people do it so well it works oh it works so well someone is your people are so charismatic yes when you can get the tonality the influctuation is out of this of the tonality they taught this to us in toastmasters as one of the ten initial lessons of being a competent communicator one of the exercises is to give a five-minute speech using tonality it's very you have to like find the cues of when you like pause and slow it and then you bring it out right here it's like how do you make it authentic yeah so some people do it naturally they're so good at it gifted that is not me that's why i don't have a podcast that's why i have a youtube channel right like on youtube i can use my gestures and my facial expressions it's why i don't have a podcast i feel i am not dynamic enough in my vocal power and so that's one cue that i'm i work on but i have a hard time being in control of my volume yeah okay so we have that these hand gestures this is fine on the table also yep all good relaxing what about hands open on the table okay so let's talk about palm versus palm down yeah okay so when i was using for the book i was looking for my favorite or cues hiding in plain sight those are my favorite i oh i just used it yeah you did that was very organic very natural i'm really happy right now like you're sticking to a girlfriend just naturally flowing through let me tell you right here yeah okay so that was great it was very exciting i felt very excited okay so i love cues hiding in plain sight and so i had a lot of political examples a lot of celebrity examples and britney and lance armstrong but i wanted historical examples and so i was looking at famous paintings and i noticed the last supper painted by leonardo da vinci has hidden cues in it you'll notice that uh the way that it's positioned christ is positioned in the middle so davinci positioned in the middle okay most people do not realize that in that picture christ is doing this he has one palm up and one palm down it's hard to see it in that yeah his left palm is up yeah the right palm is down on the table right now this is very interesting because like most people don't look at this right away but why why is he doing that why would he put his hand like that why would he put his hand like that and what do those mean so let's look at the research palms open are universal gestures of openness when we want something what do we do we hold open our hand to me yeah when we're offering something what do we do we hold up on our hands when we're open to suggestion we show our palm and we have it visible a palm down gesture is a high competence cue it shows dominance it shows directiveness you might think of i won't mention them by name some famous dictators of the past who did palm down gestures why that is a very dominant gesture when you are giving people are giving directives they often say be quiet sit down right i don't want to hear from you right now it's a very direct dismissive too in a sense right especially if you shake it at someone so why would we have these two cues they perfectly balance each other out christ is depicted as the highest most charismatic person in the painting and so what does he do he literally balances warmth and competence he's showing the universal gesture of openness and giving while at the same time a universal gesture of direct authority when was this painting 1498 wow yeah so da vinci i think hid cues that signaled the viewer wow he's charismatic the takeaway from this by the way is if you're giving a directive and you don't want it to be questioned you're better off giving palms down you're better off saying listen team we've got to get this done we've got to be efficient we got to be streamlined i need you to do it for me just go yeah just go just do it if you want feedback like when i take q a i'm like what can i do what questions can i answer right i'm giving open that's a very very subtle but very powerful cue okay so that's how christ has depicted balancing the other thing that he does is if you measure the amount of space that christ takes up in the painting you'll notice he takes up the most space he is literally has the most distance between his shoulder and his earlobes yes because he's tilting so tilting is a warmth gesture and so he's the only pictured person who is head tilt with also expansive posture so there's all these hidden cues that i think paint this picture behind what's happening now if you look at judas now if you didn't know anything about this history judas would be the character painted with the most intrigue if you notice he's also holding a clenched fist right he's the only character in the picture who has a clenched fist and is distancing he's literally turning his body away from us and we know we already talked about the distancing is a danger zone q so here is the person who is later about to betray christ and how does da vinci signal that he hides cues he shows a clenched fist which shows withholding and anger and then he shows that he's about to lie that he literally turns his body away the reason i show this is because i think that we don't realize there's these views being sent to us all the time you know i do a lot of breakdowns on my youtube channel of politicians and we don't realize even when we look at political campaigns in one picture there's thousands of cues being sent to us and we should know what's being sent to us the thumb pinch oh the thumb pinch obama right okay he did this all the time did anything so here's what's funny is obama used to be a pointer we don't like being pointed at so there's something about it as humans it's like let me tell you what to do it's kind of a better then so i think he was coached because all of a sudden he never pointed again and he only used the thumb pinch the thumb pinch is a very clever gesture because in western cultures this means good job thumbs up good job or like me like literally social media like right this is what we see like like like like give me a like and so the thumb pinch is a very subtle thumbs up gesture so every time he does it it makes you think oh first of all it's not he never clenches it's relaxed it's relaxed it's kind of like an open thumb it's an open up because he's saying a okay okay like like like and he's also saying this is a point i want you to remember it literally looks like a bullet point am i right i'm gonna give you a point that you should remember yes and obama i'm gonna do an obama impression it's gonna embarrass us both okay i'm not very good at impressions but obama does this thing that i just i find so interesting so obama uses a downward inflection so we talked about the question reflection right so when we go up at the end of our sentences obama goes down at the end of his sentences he literally slings down his words and downward inflection we hear is very authoritative so i'm gonna do an obama impression okay so this is him slinging down his words he goes sasha malia it's very important that what we do today is going to be remembered forever and if we don't do those things we are going to be in deep trouble i that's a terrible obama you can hear what i'm saying right of course he slings his words down and that is very authoritative so even that vocal cue makes us think well he knows what he's talking about right it's more authoritative more confidence more authoritative versus if he were to say sasha malia i have something really important to tell you it's really important we do this for our future could you imagine if he gave speeches like that and so even that vocal inflection worked for him because he also creates a lot of space in his mouth he has a lot of space in the middle part of his mouth so he talks very deeply in his mouth and that helps keep his resonance really low because he has a space in the back of his mouth and that creates a lot of resonance it's a good thank you it's a good impression i like it yeah that was good you're not embarrassed for me no that's great it's because he creates this low resonance point and we like it so that's that downward inflection is really important so many great cues in here the power of the pause the pause for power so a mistake that i used to make is i would pause the end of my sentence before continuing on to my next sentence and i'd get interrupted right so the mistake that people will make is they'll give a thought pause and then keep speaking now pauses are quite powerful powerful people typically use pauses in their speech but if you pause in between your sentences people will interrupt you because they think you're done you're actually better off using what i call a power pause a power pause is when you pause right before you give something away so not a day not the end of a sentence right in the middle of a sentence before you're going to share something really so let me tell you something really important that's it exactly so like so so here's the mistake that people make is they'll say something really important happen in my childhood that i want to tell you about pause it was when i was okay people are like should i talk to you should i ask another question what should i say it actually creates conversational confusion which is the last thing you want versus i want to share a really important story from my childhood that creates a lot more intrigue because like a story oh from your childhood and i have no desire to interrupt so that's a very advanced tip that's that's towards the end of the book it's a very advanced tip because if you have trouble with people interrupting you i would practice switching your pauses and think about that what's the drama you can get drama yeah create the volume pauses yeah and by the way obama did that very well he would he would deliver a point right he would go into his residence and he would say what this country needs is better systems right i'm saying nothing but you're like what's better what is it you know what is the thing that we need it's not what you say it's how you say that's it um although although how you say it is important too that's really the confidence that's the last chapter so the last chapter i have to end on is verbal because yes we spend a lot of the book talking about nonverbal and vocal but your words matter as we talked about with achievement-oriented words but man if you can deliver achievement-oriented words with power pausing with a steeple look out look out world you're coming that's big i am a big believer that the most important thing we can do is learn how to heal the different traumas or triggers from our past that get us in a reactive state when the world is happening and we become uptight reactive we say things we don't want to say we regret the things we do we act out whatever it might be healing the past memories pain frustrations whatever you want to call it i think it's one of the most powerful things the second most powerful thing we can do is learn how to master the art of communication and learn how to be comfortable in our own skin and our own voice you know how to win friends and influence people was a book that was extremely powerful for so many people to learn how to socially connect and again in life we are either enrolling other people in us in our vision or we're unenrolling them in us in our vision based on how we communicate how we connect with people whether we're trustworthy or untrustworthy this book and your research and studies and content has been extremely powerful for so many people including myself i learn a lot and i feel like this is something i'm always studying yeah because i feel like you can never learn enough of understanding the science of people yes and so i one want people to learn how to continue to heal it's a journey yes but two i want them to learn how to understand people again if we go back to the quote that changed my early adult life which was people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care if you can learn how to communicate that to people it'll take you much farther you know you can you can get by with less skills and less smarts if you understand how to be deeply empathetic and have connection skills with other people it'll take you a long way eventually you've got to have some confidence in there and be skilled and of course everyone who's watching does right like we know that you've got to have skills and i think it's always important to invest in developing new skills as well to make you more competent but this uh this book your work is extremely valuable and important cues master the secret language of charismatic communication small signals incredible impact vanessa van edwards i want everyone to get this book i want you to buy a few copies for your friends for the introvert friends in your life for the socially awkward friends for the anxious friends charisma is a is a superpower a superpower it is a superpower when used correctly and here's the thing if you use it incorrectly you'll be humbled at some point in your life that's right eventually bad things will happen and they'll keep happening oh we'll train you drain you so you're going to be humbled by the world uh if you if you don't use humility with your charisma but i'm very excited about the book i can't wait to dive in more and go back to this interview even more i want people to get the book they can follow you on the website scienceofpeople.com which has got an amazing newsletter that i subscribe to and get a lot of wisdom from thank you you're always sharing new research and all this stuff in there scienceof people.com uh instagram twitter facebook v van edwards that's me everywhere on social media your youtube as well it's extremely fun to watch you just break down those things visually yes so i there was a couple things that didn't i didn't get to put in the book because they were too visual like it was just too hard to explain it and so if you want to just get a little taste test i break down the rock because yeah it's great who doesn't want to see many like dozens of customers i break down the rock i do a deep dive of britney spears because i didn't even that was a whole book right like i didn't have time to do it i do morgan freeman uh how does he get that vocal power i talk about how he does it princess diana why were we so intrigued by her and justin bieber so i break down some cues in there you just want a little taste test and that's all science of people or is that that's on youtube and on science people and we have our interview on on there too so people want to go watch that they can yes final two questions before i ask them i want to acknowledge you vanessa for constantly showing up i think it's i think introverts who felt like they grew up socially awkward takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there to constantly be in front of a camera to be speaking on stages to be learning this work and then sharing your work i think it's really challenging to do for introverts so for the journey that you've been on to try healing yeah exactly healing is big too but the journey you've had and you constantly keep showing up and putting this work out there is really inspiring so i acknowledge you for that thank you um you've i asked you this question before but this is called the three truths question imagine it's your last day on earth many years away and for whatever reason all of your work has to go with you to another place so no one has access to your content if you can leave three lessons to the world behind what would you say would be those three lessons for you life is too short to fake it find the real warmth or the real competence or get rid of it there are unique flavors of charisma you don't have to be the bubbly extrovert you can be the wise competent sage or the quiet powerful leader or the empathetic compassionate healer those are all charismatic there are different flavors and lastly your words have power your cues have power don't waste them we can change someone's physiology with a single word so with every word you put out there think about how can you infect people for good that is powerful what's the most powerful word we can infect someone with in a positive way i think gratitude i think every time you say thank you i'm appreciative i'm grateful you're gifting them honor and you're feeling grateful yourself it's the only word i can think of that has a double effect both ways wow so can i end on gratitude i want to thank you so much because you created a tipping point in my career where you believed in me you listened to me wholeheartedly and you put my work out there and people listen and they were it was a total tipping point in in my career and so um you made me do podcasts you made me realize i can do them in their safe spaces which i was a little afraid of um you made me realize that i can find my people and i just have to speak to them and so i just and you always say you always say yes how can i help which i'm so grateful for oh i appreciate it thank you thank you in return you know it's interesting appreciation the word gratitude and appreciation revenue said that it made me reflect on my girlfriend and how i feel like every day i tell her how much i appreciate her you know i'm like beautiful i'm so i'm so grateful for how you did this or just this thing you did for me i appreciate it so much and every time i do it now that i reflect on it she's always just like it just warms her up even more yes yes because we don't often feel gratitude in our relationships right like especially i've been married for 10 years with my husband for 16 years and you get very caught up in the logistics yeah and so for anyone who's watching i think we take the people we love for granted we think about giving gifts of word to our colleagues or to our clients or to our customers but like don't forget the person you live with don't forget the person you care about don't get stuck in the logistics right where you're like you know hey honey take the kids and so i think that gratitude is especially important at home and i think we the more comfortable we are the less we are gracious the less gratitude we have and so i hope that 10 20 yeah i mean everyone in their first i guess a year or two you're like i love you so much you're amazing not everyone no not everyone no not everyone and so i would say like in the first couple years no i think saying that to her as a gift and so if just your goal is 10 years from now you can say that to her again what a beautiful goal often she'll be like you're the most amazing man ever and i'm like i don't feel like i'm doing anything i'm just saying i appreciate you i'm just like man i really i'm so grateful you just did this thank you i really appreciate the way you said this like i don't think i'm like doing something extraordinary you know it's big she's like you have no idea yeah it's like you're the most amazing man i'm like i'm not like doing some grand gesture i'm literally just saying like i'm focusing on something that i really appreciate that she did every day and i'm like i really appreciate the way you showed up here here here and that's why i think gratitude is the most powerful word there is because just being appreciative of her makes her think of it as a grand gesture imagine that like one word of gratitude is a grand gesture it doesn't take a boat ride down the water it doesn't take you know 12 dozen roses it's like just telling someone you appreciate them yeah and if that's one thing you take away from this interview that you will right now text someone that you love them and you appreciate them and thank them for being them that's big people remember that stuff that's a gift people don't care how much you know so they know how much they do final question what's your definition of greatness i love this because this is my third time here and i've had i think my definition has changed over time it's being in integrity so it's going back to that important thing greatness is showing up as you are how you feel and be feeling free to be that way so that means you like the people in your life you respect the people in your life you're showing up congruent you're showing up with lots of integrity where you your cues match your words which match your emotions and i think that i'm i'm my greatest self when i can show up somewhere as myself and not worry about having to hide fake or change vanessa thank you so much appreciate it thanks for listening what would be three questions if you could only ask three questions to a human being to figure out if they're telling a lie or telling the truth how would you start those three questions what would they be ted t e d tell me explain describe then i would fill in the rest

Channel: Lewis Howes

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Keywords: Lewis Howes, Lewis Howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success habits, success, wealth, motivation, inspiration, inspirational video, motivational video, success principles, millionaire success habits, how to become successful, success motivation, vanessa van edwards, vanessa van edwards interview, vanessa van edwards confidence, vanessa van edwards attraction

Id: iApkwoskJkc

Length: 100min 7sec (6007 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 25 2022