"Love is Not Enough in Intimate Relationships!" You NEED These 3 Things As Well with Matthew Hussey

leaving is like throwing a grenade in your own life and we may have had this fear Goring away at us that someone was wrong a long time ago but it's hard to be the one that lights the fuse that blows up your own life hello everyone this is Matthew hussy from love life International dating and confidence coach Matthew hussy is here hi Matthew on some level it can feel like I'm having to blow up my own life for the hope of a better life so it's terrifying because it's like jumping off a cliff without parachute I don't know if a better life is coming I don't know if I'm going to be alone forever and never find anyone again is love enough it's definitely not wow and I have something I want to say on that as well because there's something very very important that's in the book that will change the way people think about that love for yourself forever go ahead and share it up welcome back everyone to the school of greatness very excited about our guest it's my good friend Matthew hus he was in the house good to see you br good to see you man I'm excited about the book that you have coming out right now called love life how to raise your standards find your person and live happily no matter what and the thing I want to ask you first is about breakups because I've been through a number of breakups in my life and they're always painful and they're painful even though I know the person person wasn't the right person for me and I feel like there's a lot of women who stay in relationships too long knowing and you hear this all the time I was walking down the aisle knowing that this wasn't the right man for me or on my honeymoon I knew was wrong or a year when they asked me to marry him and I said yes something was off inside of me and I just knew it wasn't the right thing but I went through with it anyways because he was a good guy or I liked his family or whatever it might be and then they stay in a relation ship too long and eventually get into a breakup for whatever reason and the breakup is painful why is it painful when we go through a breakup even when we know the person wasn't the right person for us wow well I think there's in a sense there's two types of breakups where someone is wrong for us there's the kind where we don't know that they're wrong for us and we've told ourselves they are the one and then they break up with us cuz normally if we have hav told ourselves someone is wrong then we're just hanging on for dear life wanting to keep them but if they break up with us it's like in a sense there's an extra pain of we have to even get to the realization that they were wrong for us which takes some time because when someone breaks up with us our ego kicks in and tells us it's because you're not good enough it's because you're not worthy it's because and if you were just more if you just did better if you just didn't make that mistake if you just weren't so high maintenance in in this way you would have been able to hold on to this person and because you're not sexy enough cool enough successful enough interesting enough whatever we thin enough young enough whatever you couldn't hold on to this person and it often takes us time to realize this wasn't the right person for me some people by the way who are watching this still haven't gotten there it was years since that person broke up with them and they're still telling themselves a story that that person was the right person that's that's agonizing yes because it's you don't you don't get to ever kind of reach the other side of the grief when you tell yourself that you you're in chronic grief instead of the acute grief of breakup grieving the end of the relationship grieving the future you thought you'd have feeling the disappointment of it all and then moving on to create a new and better story instead you're in The Chronic grief of continuing to tell yourself a story that your right person is is they they're still out there they just don't want to be with you anymore oh man then there's what you're talking about and they might be with someone else and they're with someone else and and so we we experience that grief a thousand times you experiened it the moment you realize they're with someone else you experienced it the moment they proposed to that person you realize that the you experience it again the moment they have a child you you're like you're experiencing the grief over and over and over again the the kind you're talking about where you know while you're in it that it's the wrong relationship I think the the Heartbreak there is the the so much of it relates to the fear and the disappointment of oh my God I'm I'm back on my own again and that fear of uprooting our life again of changing our well firstly if someone has gone as far as marrying a person or you've just been in meshed with someone for many years you don't even have to be married you could be your lives could be so in intertwined at this point that leaving is like throwing a grenade in your own life yeah friends family maybe you live together maybe there's you know all these other things that you've been intertwining and the and the identity oh you know that was my identity that relationship that was my life that was my life as I knew it it was my life as my community the people around me knew it so I now have to sort of recreate my life and build from the ground up again it can feel like for so many people of course we add marriage into it and often there's financial implications and there's you know sometimes there's children and it it the the comp there are so many layers of complication and the we may have deci we may have had this fear Goring away at us that someone was wrong a long time ago but it's hard to be the one that lights the fuse that blows up your own life and and it's easier when someone breaks up with us in many ways because at least we feel like we're on the receiving end I didn't have a choice but when but you're having to but I'm not good enough if they broke up with me then then I have that to deal with like I don't feel good enough but at least at least they pulled the trigger but to be the one you know it's funny in in boxing a lot of the time and you know this when you spar with someone once you get hit and you get hit hard it's almost easier to then retaliate but it's hard to be the one to throw the first big Punch Yeah it's like uh you you know and when you're the one breaking up with someone because you know they're wrong it's hard to be like if I just kept going with this it would just continue for another five years and my life not going to break up with me they're not going to break up with me so it would stay comfor the ball or it would stay but if I'm breaking up with them I'm the one who has to detonate I'm the one who has to throw the punch and that's the that's the hard part is we have to on some level it can feel like I'm having to blow up my own life for the hope of a better life which hasn't materialized yet so it's terrifying because it's like jumping off a cliff without a parachute I don't know if a better life is coming I don't know if I'm going to be alone forever and never find anyone again is life going to punish me for letting go of this in the form of never serving me up another great relationship or another relationship period you know am I some people is am I too old now to find another person am I going to go out there and find that I'm invisible has my window passed then you throw into it biology you know am I going to meet someone in time to have children because I know I really want to have children and is that going to am I taking that possibility off the table for me by leaving this relationship there's so many layers of complication that the Heartbreak is is so complex it's it's fear it's grief it's disappointment it's the anxiety of your dreams never coming true now as a result of leaving this relationship it's all really really hard oh man you the quote in your book that you mentioned you have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up your own life and you say if you stay where you are you will never be happy and you will never be at peace and I and I'm assuming you're speaking around if you're staying in a relationship that is not working or it's not the right fit for you if you stay where you are you'll never be happy and you'll never be at peace and certainly one that's you know that's abusive or one that's narcissistic one where that you you have believed it's going to change for so long and there's been no evidence for the fact that the relationship is going to change you've tried everything you've you've brought you know vulnerability to it you've brought standards to it you've you know changed what you give that person you've done so much to try to make this relationship into a great one or a peaceful one or just one that doesn't harm you and it never works and there's never change there is a certain point where you have to say to yourself how many time I think the question is worth us all asking in life is how many times does something not have to work for me to decide it's not going to work and your answer to that question will dictate how much of your life you will you know throw into a situation yeah cuz you can justify well it wasn't that bad or my you know friend's partner is worse than my partner you compare yourself to other relationships where you'll do these things to justify and you're like well I don't want to be so strict where they have to be perfect because I'm not perfect but I don't want to be too flexible that I get walked on all the time so it's like a dance of of figuring out and it's almost like if you have to say how many more times am I going to put up with this until I get out it's almost like when you say that that's the time to get out because you're not going to change the person in front of you they're not going to change overnight unless they choose to change from my understanding you can't force them to change well someone has to be a lot for change to happen a lot has to happen MH you know like change is very very hard we both operate in a space that's predicated on the idea that people can change right so if we didn't start by believing that we're in trouble you and I shouldn't have a job yes so we start from that Foundation that you and I must both believe that people can change otherwise why make a podcast right but we also then have to get very sober about how hard changes mhm and what needs to happen in order for someone to want to change well look at what has to happen for us to change even when we want to yeah every year on January 1st most of the world in whether they articulate it or not make some kind of promise to themselves about something they want to do differently you we call it a resolution or I'm going to ingrain this new habit or I'm going to make a change this year or someone whether spelling out or just on some level feels this I want to do something different and and if only they're wanting it to be different made it different it doesn't it's there's still so much all our work is ahead of us after that and anyone who's ever been to therapy knows that you you you set foot in the door because you want something to change right you show up because you want something to be different and then you get there and you realize there's an awful lot of self-awareness around what needs to change for it to be different that you need to gain and then past that you need the the discipline to go out there and actually do the uncomfortable thing over and over and over again until it's starts to become something that you starts to become more natural to you or at the very least just something that's you a little bit less uncomfortable with that's like that's how hard it is if I if if I've got a habit or something that's hurting me on my life I might be aware of it but now I have to actually do the uncomfortable thing and do something different to what I normally do and that takes time and effort and energy and and even then I might only change it by 5 or 10% but that five or 10% luckily is often enough to set us on a a different enough trajectory in our life that we can get new results absolutely and that's a wonderful thing we don't go to therapy and get a personality transplant right we might get put on a 5% 10% different trajectory and over time that creates a very different life absolutely so let's look at that in the context of a relationship with someone who's behaving in a way you're not happy with even if they want to change which is a big leap in the first place do they want to change or are they just annoyed that you're annoyed are they just frustrated that you're frustrated CU that's not the same as them wanting to change that's just them wanting you to stop being so frustrated or on their case all the time right so that's not them wanting to change them wanting to change is them recognizing that there's something about this in themselves that they don't like that they want to address or that they care about you so much that they don't they want to bring you something different and that's motivation enough for them to make a change right big leap then after that they've got to learn how to change and then they've got to have the discipline to go forward and make those changes and even if they did all of that which if someone's having this conversation with me if someone's having this conversation with me it normally means that that person's not doing any of those things MH right cuz we're still why we're still struggling so much because our partner isn't saying any of those things but even if they were the changes might be 5 to 10% they're un they're not going to be a personality transplant and a lot of people who come to me in really unhappy or very toxic painful abusive or narcissistic relationships are in a place where their partner would need a personality transplant for them to be happy and then they still may not be happy this I saw this video last week I can't remember the exact name of this Instagram account I think it's called stories from strangers and and um this guy made a video where he had people write in stories about their life uh regrets and he read an anonymous note from like this little Bull and the the note said I regret getting a nose job for my husband or partner who kept telling me he wanted me to change my nose wow getting a nose job and then two weeks later him breaking up with me oh my God and regretting Chang myself to try to make someone else happy who was never going to be happy with me no matter what changes I made and I thought to myself that is and now having to look myself in the mirror and be unhappy with who the person I am for those changes so my question for you is if someone is asking you to change in a relationship in a committed relationship and you change for them is that real love H doing it for someone else so that they can be happy or is it a lack of self-love and saying actually that's not something I want to do right now and I want to accept who I am in this moment my personality or my habits or my mannerisms or whatever it is that they want to change and I'm willing to walk away if that doesn't work for you that's a really difficult question and I get context and what it is and what the requests are I get it I suppose someone's never happy with you and they want you to change something about you m i mean maybe it's for the good like maybe you're overweight a lot and you getting in shape would actually be healthier and would make things better and you'd have more energy or whatever it might be I get it but it should be your partner wanting you to make the change or should the person be saying you know what I want to keep evolving and growing as a part of my value system in life and in our relationship and that's why I'm going to keep growing yeah you know is it love if if you change for someone else it's a big question look I think firstly people alert us to things that we um want we that we discover we want to change about ourselves all the time right how many of the things that we realize about ourself we realize because of how that habit that behavior is experienced in relation to other people so enough people in your family tell you that there is something a way that you are that is affecting them and that mirror you know assuming they come to you in healthy ways or that they Point things out in a loving or compassionate way but that mirror is a wakeup call for you about a way that you are affecting people how your behavior is hurting people that you know we come we we learn about ourselves in those ways all the time in life so to that extent it's a in some ways it's a loving thing for someone around you to trust you enough or to trust the relationship enough to feel like they can be honest with you give you some feedback or yeah because I when I think of the most brittle relationships or what defines a brittle relationship or one where there is that that doesn't have that Foundation of safety and trust and love I think of a relationship where people aren't honest with each other about the things they're unhappy about because they're too afraid that the relationship can't sustain it I've been in relationships where I was I was so busy trying to hold on to someone and worried that I wasn't going to be able to hold on to them really that I wasn't honest about what I was unhappy with about that person because you didn't want to rock the boat or make I was afraid I was going to be seen as difficult or high maintenance or that it you know it was it was going to be one too many things for me to ask that person and you know I didn't value myself enough in the relationship to be honest with someone about how something was affecting me and and so I think that it's a it's an act of love for someone to even feel safe enough in a relationship to be able to tell us something like that that that they may wish to be different or that may maybe is hurting them I think that how we receive that and what we do about that is also an act of love now the question is how fundamental is the thing they're asking us to right change and is it possible for us to change it does it you know does it Force us to just shift away from who we actually are and that gets into all sorts of interesting territory right because if let's say you're a narcissist and someone comes to and someone comes to you and says like this pathological lying that you're doing is really affecting me or the fact that you never Gaslight me or the fact that you never involve me in any major decisions and that you make every decision unilaterally for our lives or you know uh uh the fact that you never consider me or I really these things need to change you know could that person argue I wouldn't be loving myself if I made all these changes exactly you know you could take it to that extreme and you'd say well that's a fine argument for the narcissist to make is that you're not accepting me from me this is who I am I'm I wouldn't be loving myself if I changed these things for you that's fine but then you don't you no longer deserve this person's company you know this person's not this you're not entitled to this person constantly being abused by you or constantly accepting that their reality is distorted by being with you or you know it's not they don't have to put up with it them loving them you if your definition of loving yourself is that you get to stay all of these abusive ways well their definition of loving themselves might be to get out of the way of you so you know I do think that we have to partly we have to say what kind of person do I need to be in order to attract the kind of person I want to be with if I want to be with a very kind and generous person well what's the level of kindness or generosity on my part that is necessary for me to be able to keep that company and and in some ways it could be I'm I'm only thinking about this in real time but it could be the wrong question to say is it loving myself to be this for somebody else it it might be that I have to go what kind of love do I want to attract in my life because me loving myself is me giving myself the gift of that kind of love right but what do I need to be or represent what Behavior do I need to to model in order to attract that kind of love yes that is the kind of love that if I received it would be an act of love for me to receive do you know what I mean I hope I'm not getting too abstract with that but it's like no that makes sense yeah and I guess it transitions into another thing that we're talking about right now which is kind of setting a standard for what you want in a relationship and you becoming that standard as well and you hear a lot of women talk about you know they've got a list of all the qualities they want in a potential partner right if they're a single woman I've got this list and I know exactly what I want and I want which essentially sounds like a high value man they've got to be funny they've got to be kind they've got to have money they've got to be healthy all these different things and you and I I hear this a lot from women creating a list and wanting high value men he can provide and he's generous and he's kind and he loves dogs or whatever it is it's like this this standard of a type of a relationship they want from a man my question for you around this set of standards and high value in a relationship this is a two-part question what would you say are three positive signs that you're on a date with a potential high value person and part two of this if you feel like they are out of your league are there more high value than you what happens if you get in a relationship with someone someone that you feel like is out of your league let me start with the first part making it easy for you just throw layups I love doing interviews with you man you always have the these really interesting like questions I feel like this is what women specifically need to hear right now is what you're going to say so no pressure but why is that I'm just curious because I feel like what I hear a lot of women who are single have this standard they have a list they have in their mentally or they have written down in their journal or their diary or whatever it is they have a list and they share it with girlfriends right I've seen these lists they've ever told me or whatever it might be and I'm like well you're not 100% of all these things yet maybe you can be maybe you're developing into that great but I see you have a standard of what you want awesome and I've heard you talk about this before like make a list of everything you want then become that list and you'll be able to be a mirror of that standard in a relationship and working on each other with each other as you grow in the relationship no one's going to be perfect but you're going to be developing yourselves over time as part of your standards so what is what are three positive signs that you are sitting in front of a high value person and if you are not ready for that person and you don't feel like you're qualified or you don't have the same level of values that they do what will happen if you get into a relationship together and you're not ready for it so I I would say it's not for me to decide for anyone else what is their version of a let's say a high value person I think what everyone has to do is is get really in touch with what is actually going to make them happy in the same way that we live you know in a very mtic world career-wise where Instagram will serve you up all this imagery all these ideas around what a successful person is and if you're someone building a business you have to be really clear with yourself on what a successful business is to you because it there's going to be someone who's you know who you follow who's trying to build an Empire and everything they do is about Empire building but but maybe that's wrong for you like maybe what you want is enough to live the kind of life that you want to live to be able to do work that you really enjoy and then to maintain that and that for you knowing when to stop is going to be crucial to your happiness whereas for this person they're on a whole other Mission with what they're doing and the scale they're trying to build you could say who's to say the high value business is the one that's building the Empire versus the one that's figured out a really great life for this yeah couple over here or this person in their family I think the value part is completely and utterly subjective how many people do you and I know who have giant businesses and miserable and they're you know like I'm in a stage right now where not to say we have a giant business but where we're at it's like oh there's there's something I need to figure out here because complexities there too much complexity and I I feel there's a you know we're on the wrong side of the the burnout balance equation and I need to figure that out so like right now I might someone might be looking at me going that's a really high value operation but I'm looking at it going there something off here in terms of what I Define as value in this point in my life which is peace sustainability the ability to keep doing it for a long time the ability to do it enjoyably every day I don't want to be as big as possible I I want to I want to do it in a way that I really enjoy yes um and so dating and finding love is the same it's we have a world that is telling us what to value and what a high value man or a high value woman looks like and we need to get back in touch with what high value is to us what's what's the kind of love that is in line with my what I value with what I care about because so many people those the lists that people do have whether they're literal lists or they're just in their mind is that so much of what's on that list is about ego it's not about what makes us happy you know ego is does this person fit the bill for what I'm looking for are they going to make me look good with my friends or family or yeah there's a great I want to I want to read this because there's a great there's a great Moment In the book about this that is really really powerful in terms of the ways that people I think get the lists wrong in life um yeah so have you ever seen the movie up in the air like George Clooney flying one the flying one he's conly flying yeah yeah yeah exactly um he's on an Kendrick I think it's Anna Kendrick um but there's a conversation between Anna Kendrick and uh an a woman who's I don't know 10 15 years older than her maybe even a bit more where she's Anna Kendrick is is dis is basically giving off her list of what she wants and in a in a man in a man yeah and she's heartbroken at the time that she says this like truly heartbroken because this guy has broken up with her and he was everything that she wanted and she says he really fit the bill you know white collar 6'1 college grad loves dogs likes funny movies brown hair kind eyes Works in finance but is outdoorsy I always imagine he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave in a perfect world he drives a forerunner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab and a nice smile it there's nothing there's nothing in that description about how this person makes her feel about actual like great values that this person has it's a it's like a casting call right list and it's extraordinary to me how many times people when they're describing when someone says to me I'm really struggling to get over this person I say well what was it about them you would be shocked when people say what it was how little it often has to do with how this person treated them really how no what do they what do they say usually is about more like he it was how they showed up on paper how they yeah like they would this they were like basically they described their eligibility and they're and also but it could also be they're funny and they're just so like you know I don't know I just you know they could say we had such a great time together when we were together or we had this amazing connection or but they'll often describe how impressive the person is and what they don't say is they was so good to me or they showed up so consistently in my life or they really saw me or I really felt like I could be everything like I could be exactly myself with this person that's big you know it it's so rarely those things that get described about missing someone it's about yeah it's more about idolizing that person or it's about like worshiping how great that person was but it's not about how great that person was for them how they made them feel yeah what I heard you say was consistently because some people might say well we had an amazing times and he made me feel so good but was it consistent maybe it was good every other week I had someone asked me recently I had Matt what do you do when you have an epic connection with someone on a date and then they ghost you afterwards and I'm like what do you mean an EP like you know I get it we can go on a date and have this incredible moment with someone we can have an incredible time with someone but what does that what value is that if it doesn't continue right it's literally worthless if it doesn't continue if what you want is a relationship and it a connection doesn't turn into a relationship then by your standards of what you value which is a relationship it's worthless it means nothing it it doesn't a relationship by definition continues what if someone listening or watching is saying well that that sounds great but I don't want to that was an amazing day or weekend that I had with this person and I don't want to go to some boring relationship where we don't have this connection yeah so I don't want to lose that opportunity of like finding someone who can recreate that feeling for me consistently is that even a vision we should be thinking about these like explosive weekends or one night that was like magical moments Is that real life consistently well I think you can't firstly you can't you've run a marathon I haven't it's hard man it is hard almost broke me when you run a marathon did you get upset about your pace compared to when you've run a 100 meter sprint no no because they're different races yes like they're completely different things you can't compare the endurance energy and the muscles that are necessary to run how how many miles is a marathon 20 26.2 26.2 to run 26.2 miles compared to the fast twitch muscle required to run 100 met Sprint that's true they're very different things and a lot of the time we compare someone that we have a healthy situation with to the peak of what so you might have felt on what is the equivalent of a vacation romance right where you the most exciting thing the the excitement was in heart generated by the fact that you were leaving mhm so how does someone replicate that situation it's the same way when someone's awesome for three months and then they disappear and and it the the the Rel the idea of the relationship is like this insect Frozen in in Ember mhm that doesn't it always is Frozen in time as the peak of that experience yes instead of what it might have been in year three or year 30 which would have been a very different thing so we have to be very careful about how we I always say don't comparison shop for chemistry like you can't you can't draw these unfair comparisons even like there are relationships people where people say to me I just want the kind of chemistry I had in my last relationship and then when they talk about their last relationship what's very evident is that they never really feel like they had the the person so they're always like even even in the relationship they're always like almost like chasing always feeling like I'm just trying to secure the person they're technically they're with them but they're always feeling like they haven't quite made the sale and if you feel like that then in a way that you the chemistry of early dating Never Dies because it's more anxious energy than it is chemistry unnown going be like they not like me your your brain is being hijacked by this Chase all the time and anytime you have sex with them of course it feels amazing because you're like just a feeling of I have them for for a moment and they're mine and they're you know I feel good right now but then you feel anxious again because the next day they don't call you all day or they don't call you for three days or whatever it's like you're constantly in that tension so try when someone comes along and they're loving you in a healthy way and they make you feel accepted and at home for who you are and you could be vulnerable and they're still there the next day and they are very clear that they would like to see you this weekend and when you experience that and you go I just how do I experience the chemistry that I had with that really unsafe person with a safe person like it doesn't you're asking for two for a feeling to be reproduced in this situation where it doesn't get reproduced in that way so this is what I mean by us I'm not saying you can't have chemistry in in a long-term healthy relationship you could have amazing chemistry you can have amazing attraction I don't think people should sacrifice that but what we call Chemistry we have to be really careful of measuring the chemistry of something that is more peaceful against something that was all about the spikes is a very dangerous thing to do um I agree with that and yeah to add into that I think this is an interesting one I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine a couple days ago who was talking about how he he struggled in relationships in the past and he was talking about he's trying to do things differently this time in the relationship he's in and he said he had a state of the union conversation night with his with his partner and he was like I started asking all these painful questions that were very scary for me to ask because we just moved in together it's been over a year a year and a half now and trying to get clear on where we're going in the future and values and vision and you know all these different things and he goes it was really painful but it brought us closer together and it created more intimacy and it's making me even more excited about the future that's great so I'm curious for you because I feel like a lot of people are unwilling to ask painful questions early in the relationship out of fear of it not working out so I'm curious what are the painful questions or conversations we should be having with someone early in the relation relationship that may cause pain and discomfort now but will not cause bigger problems in the future and will allow you to see if you're on the right path or not I well I think uh firstly when things come up that are where alarm Bells go off for you or where it just it doesn't have to mean they something that's explicitly wrong but they might be doing there might be something that makes you go oh this is not aligned with me and you can't skip over those moments don't dismiss those moments no be willing to open up a conversation about those things and see what happens when you open up a conversation about that thing you know I literally wrote an entire chapter in this book called have hard conversations because having hard conversations is your your life will get better in direct proportion to the number of hard conversations you are willing to have mhm and so when you see something you don't like do you do you talk about it there's elegant ways to talk about it there's compassionate ways to talk about it there's ways to talk about it kind of with open Palms where you get someone to just talk about why they did that or where that came from or what that you know what that is use it to gain an understanding of them but what you're really doing the whole time is you're trying to assess it that thing I didn't like just then is it indicative of a completely different value system than me or actually when I learn more about it do I realize oh we have the same value system it just it just comes out in a different way for you in which case that might be a positive thing how does having the conversation go in general do you learn in those because in those moments you learn whether you can have a hard conversation with someone yes or a challenging conversation or an awkward conversation or a vulnerable conversation you learn if you can even have them and any great relationship is capable of is is robust enough to be able to have difficult conversations and come out stronger so I think even just the ability to use certain situations as a chance to have an open conversation if someone shames you judges you puts you down for having the conversation tries to kind makes you feel like you're treading on eggshells the next time you want to have a hard conversation that's fun then you're learning already that this relationship doesn't create space for these conversations to happen and that's a relationship where you're going to be incredibly unhappy over time so I think those are important moments to do it so that's kind of a reactive version right but the other time to do it is in almost uh being more proactive about knowing the things that you want for yourself down the line knowing the values that are really important to you in a relationship and bringing those things up like how what's your entry point for bringing something up like I A friend of mine I wrote uh uh about in the book her name is Tanya she um she had had a very very busy career for a long time and was at a point in her life where she wanted a relationship and she also knew she wanted a family she wanted marriage she wanted kids and she got to the point where she just would be very not upfront with people about asking like do you want that with me it would that she would never do that but do you want to have kids do you want to be married yeah she would literally bring those things up proactively and say you know but she would almost start with herself so she'd say I'm really excited you know whenever they asked her a question about her loved life she'd say I'm really I'm in a place in my life where I've worked hard for a long time I've put a lot of focus into my career I feel like I'm ready now like I get really excited about the idea of um being married I get excited about the idea of being a mom that's something I really want for myself at some point and by saying that she wasn't saying I want it tomorrow but by saying that she was very clearly putting her cards on the table about what was important to her she wasn't trying to play cool and indifferent and like he you know just see what life throws at me I don't care yeah she's like very clearly like this is something I'm excited about in my life how about you and then you're inviting someone to the conversation MH you're doing it in a way where you're making it it's a very positive thing this is you know often we think of the things we want as our baggage how do I bring up the fact that I want kids or that I want to get married or like I don't want to scare and I don't want we we come at it from this place of like it's I'm fearful of putting my intentions on the table but if you what she did very well is she didn't make them her intentions for someone else she made them her intentions for herself she was just letting the person in on those intentions and then she was asking what their intentions were for themsel so in doing that you're not making it about like we're on you know date four and having this conversation that's way ahead of where we are right now for ourselves for for each other I mean it was more I'm the same way that I might on a date talk about how I'm excited to start this business in the next few years well what's the difference between that and I'm excited to be married in the next few years or I'm excited to have a family in the next few years like what's the difference they're all just things they're all goals of yours they're all things you're excited about for your life so why attach all this baggage to the one that you know might one day involve someone else it's because we our our fear of getting rejected is getting involved and saying they're going to make they're going to think that I'm putting pressure on them or whatever but actually if we own it as our intentions and and we own the fact that they haven't even they're not even at the point where we could know that we like you're not at the point where I know I could want that with you right now right right there's aund more little experiences we need to go through before I would ever know that you're the person that I want for that so how could it be about you right now this is about me but I'm curious to know whether you know what it is you want in your life because if for you you told me today oh I categorically never want to have kids right and that's important to me then hey that's cool I get it let's have a great dinner and and and then see you later yeah yeah have a good one exactly it's so interesting you say this because uh Martha did a really good job of being curious with her questions with me early on and not reacting or being like I can't believe that's what you want right now Neal yeah just kind of being like curious about tell me about this and tell me about this and tell me about your past and all these things where she wasn't reactive in making me wrong or shameful for my life right and she wasn't like oh that's really scary or something like that she was more Curious and just paying attention and noticing and there was about maybe a a month and a half in of us dating maybe was two months I can't remember we weren't officially committed yet but we were dating and seeing you know having hundred of those of those little moments she said hey I want to ask you a question with a pause and I was like okay what is this I've already told you this before she was like what are your prior she said what are your priorities in life I think every woman says this at some point to some guy they're dating what are your priorities and um and I got sad in that moment I got sad because For the First Time I was like man I really like her and I feel like there's We're In Harmony in a lot of areas we're in alignment in a lot of areas but every time I've shared my priorities in previous relationships there's always a negative reaction there's always a pain an anger an upset something so I was like I'm really sad because and I said this to her I said I'm going to tell you the truth of my priorities but I think this is the last conversation we might have and I was really I was really sad because I was like dang it I'm really enjoying my time with her and I just don't know if she's willing to accept the priorities of my life right now and she kind of got a little she was like what is it she thought it was GNA be some horrible thing or something right so I'm like like listen I'm I want to this whole time I've known you I've been 100% honest with you about everything even stuff that's uncomfortable for me from my past or shameful things and so my priority is to continue to be honest with you but I just don't think you can handle what I'm about to tell you and I don't think you're going to accept it and she eventually was like listen trust me I'll be able to handle it and I said okay I just no woman has ever handled my response to this question before but it's nice knowing you it's been nice knowing you and I was really sad I was really sad before I shared it and I said listen uh my first priority in life and this may change in the future but this is where I'm at right now in this season of my life my first priority is my health because I want to be healthy I want to make sure I'm taking care of my mental health physical spiritual health so I need time every day to take care of that and that's a number one priority if I don't take care of Health I'm not going to have good energy I'm not going to be as happy I'm going to be you know cranky and that's not the life I want to live so that's the first priority for me and I've told that to previous relationships and every girl I was dating got mad at me for saying Health as number one as opposed to them as number one the relationship and she didn't react right away so I was like okay priority number two you're not gonna like this hold on it gets worse yes priority number two you're not GNA like this it's still not going to be you if we're in a relationship priority number two is my vision is my purpose in life what I feel you know I don't know the the the magic and the Miracle of Life and why we're here I don't know the answer to but I do know that there's some type of calling inside of me some type of voice some type of pull telling me that I need to continue to grow continue to develop and to serve Humanity in a specific way as my purpose for this season of life and that requires a lot of time a lot of energy and a lot of attention and I know if I'm not taking care of my energy with that priority I will be frustrated cranky grumpy I'll feel like something's off inside of me because I'm pulling myself away from my purpose of this season of life and that's priority number two it's still not you or if we get together it won't be you right and uh she didn't react right away she's just kind of like okay and what else and I said priority number three in my in my life right now is my my intimate relationship you know if that's with you or whatever it might be it'll be creating a healthy loving environment a peaceful environment in a relationship so we can Thrive together in a relationship and those are my top three priorities and I'm just kind of waiting for her to say okay see you later but she goes I love that you know that's really beautiful and I've and I've always wanted to meet a man who valued their health valued their purpose and valued the relationship and I said really you're not like you're not going to run away you're not afraid of that she said no she goes that makes sense to me and it was an alignment with her as well and I said listen the reason I'm saying this because if I'm extremely healthy and taking care of mentally physically spiritually if I'm on purpose on a daily consistent basis I'm going to be more alive I'm going to have more energy and you're going to feel like the number one priority you will feel my love my appreciation my attention my care my thoughtfulness my generosity a thousandfold than if I made you the number one priority and I neglected health and I neglected purpose that would only last so long where I could pour into you as my only priority top priority and then everything else is secondary and so you will feel like number one priority if you're in alignment with me with these other two and it was a beautiful experience because I thought the relationship was going to be over but instead that's when it started MH when it was like okay I'm able to have a challenging conversation and share these things vulnerably the fear that you may not like what I'm about to say and if I'm accepted with that then it felt like it was just starting to begin with that challenging conversation and I think a lot of us get afraid of opening up we get afraid of talking about these things or even like you said like you know my intention is to have a family one day it doesn't have to be with you starting next month which that would scare me away if someone was like I need this bu next month we need to make this happen i' like that doesn't work for me we don't know each other but um I think having these uncomfortable conversations earlier on will create more freedom later in the future do you think that with you the more you have felt safe in your relationship the more you felt like she really has your back and you feel like you know she's sort of anticipating your needs or the things you know like she's really just unbelievable teammate do do you feel you would do you feel you would give that same answer today that you gave back then or do you feel like back then there was almost a instinctive sort of protecting yourself from times where you didn't feel like the person you were with truly had your back and therefore because they didn't necessarily care about your health or your well-being or the things that were important to you you had to do all of the caring about the things that were important to you and almost projecting it out there I can't trust you to have my back on these things because I've been through so much where it felt like I didn't you know if I didn't if I didn't have my hold back on these things I would get steamrolled yeah but I'm curious if you feel like now almost I still say that yeah like whether whether it feels as as clear-cut as that or you feel again I mean if I'm thinking like 20 years in the future right or three years in the future two years five 10 years in the future and I'm thinking about we have kids now you know it's a different season of Life all these different things I still think my top three priorities would be my health spiritual physical mental you know my connection to my health and that's a spiritual connection to God and all these different things because a lot of people say they put you know God as their first priority I consider that as part of my first priority like my connection my spiritual connection because if I don't have that physical mental emotional connection with self I'm going to be disconnected from others and I'm not going to have the energy to be present to others at the best level so I feel like that's got to be priority number one I and I still think think we all are here for a purpose and if we are neglecting our purpose in the season of life that we have with that purpose as purpose may change then we're neglecting the reason of our existence and if we neglect that we feel out of alignment we don't feel like something's off inside of me I'm not doing or using my talents in the best abilities with where I'm at so I feel like I if I wasn't putting that as a high priority I'd be feel off inside and therefore I wouldn't be as good to other people people I want to be as valuable present caring or generous because I'd be frustrated with self so that's why I think those two things would still be just important you know two years 10 10 years from now and then my intimate relationship would be and again it's not like it's less than it doesn't get any energy or any attention it's just like making sure this is at the Forefront then that's on the Forefront and the relationship but because one and two at a high level again it feels like number three is number one it feels like the relationship is the top priority because I'm taking care of self and that relationship with my purpose at a high level and it doesn't mean I'm perfect every day or I'm you know not frustrated at times or not or I'm impatient or whatever it might be and that means oh something was off in one or two I got to get back in alignment with those things so and the fact that she loves that and she encourages me yeah go work out um and she and she reminds me almost weekly and she's really smart the way she communicates with me cuz she she's just like man it's so attractive of like how you care so deeply about your purpose she's really smart and how she communicates she go I love the way you just care about people so much in your mission and and you know what you're creating with your team like because she'll see people come up to me and talk about the transformation or the experiences or like the impact that the that we as a team have made on them she's like God that's so inspiring that you have this purpose so and you feel seen when I just feel like yeah I can keep going and not feel bad for working hard and again it doesn't mean I get to neglect the relationship or like give it no time I'm still showing up fully in the relationship well that's the thing right the the in a sense you you had a hard conversation from your side and the the flip side of that is her looking at that and saying I love this man I respect this man I want to support him I want to support his dreams and the things that he wants to achieve in his life but am I getting my needs met in this situation right right and the hard conversation from her side which is the part that often people fall down on and I think what someone hearing that what they might be afraid of in hearing all of that is they might hear a situation where they you know they may have even been in a situation before with someone who just monopolized their energy their intimacy their love their validation on their terms all the time in a way that worked for them but that person felt like they lost themselves and they never got any of their needs met or their needs were always secondary so 100% that other side of that is her being capable which I know Mar and I know she is but she takes care of her own needs also but I I mean you can ask her and probably weekly or every other week at least but almost weekly if not daily I say you know what else can I do to support you today you know are you is there anything I can do to support you lately what do you need from me like I'm constantly checking with her and asking her moments throughout days or weeks and saying am I doing a good job for you like what could I be doing better to make sure you feel more love seen and appreciated I'll ask her these questions and she'll tell me and she's and I don't think she's ever been like I need more of this from you she doesn't say that she goes no I feel I feel seen I feel loved I feel appreciated so it's not like I'm just neglecting her needs and never showing up for her and never creating intimate moments and times and never going on trips I'm like always trying to create for her in the relationship as well and I'm asking her is there anything you you need from me what can I do to support you today how can I make you feel more loved and more seen and I ask that constantly because I want to make sure she feels like she's a top priority so I I get it if women are listening or watching thinking okay if I have to accept a man that he's going to be working 60 to 80 hours a week and he's then he's gonna work out late at night with his friends and then he's gonna go do marathons on the weekends when's it going to have time for me I get that and so I think you got to understand like are they going to put you at a similar level of time attention and value in their priorities as well with the relationship not only when they're courting you but once they're with you a longterm and committed yeah and you the same way look people can agree or disagree with what you've said what you've demonstrated and what you've said is an ability to be very honest with yourself and with another person about what you need she may not want that exactly and this is really important for people to hear because it's not no one needs to hear that and go that's you know that's what I would have to accept or that that's my dream person anyone what we have to do is get really honest with ourselves the hard the real hard conversation is the one we have to have with ourselves where we say what is it that I actually need in order for me to be happy yes and and I don't mean what do I need to there everything on my list but what do I need at my core what are the core needs that need to be met for me to be happy and at a certain point you may be dating someone who runs a business and is never around and you may say to yourself I love this person but regardless of whether you love this person you may be miserable yes with this person and you there's a certain point in life where you have like I there's a there's a like if me and orrey were on completely different schedules all the time and we never saw each other be tough I would be unhappy yeah and people have to get really honest this is why in the book I talk about four levels of importance in a relationship those the first one is admiration which is just thinking someone's great you have to respect them or admire them or yeah but by the way you could even just have admiration for like the person who works in the same building as you because you think they're hot like it could be literally just like I'm I'm admiring you from instincts yeah yeah but it's not like or you might like the qualities they have but they don't necessarily recognize you or they don't necessarily like you they may not even know you exist right this so this first level admiration is not very important the second level is mut ual attraction and that's where you and this person like each other there's chemistry there's connection you know you have a great time together now this is the most dangerous phase because it's the phase where people end up like spending years and years pining over someone who they find out doesn't want a relationship at the end of it so just having mutual attraction with someone doesn't count for a lot if someone wants different things than you yes which is why the third level is really important that's commitment commitment is are we saying yes to each other it's no good saying I have the most epic connection with someone and they don't even want to be with me right what is then the Epic connection is worthless in the context of a relationship so commitment level three and level four is compatibility commitment isn't enough you need compatibility do we work together right do we form a team that is a happy team do we want the same things do do we have shared values do we want to live our lives in the same way do we look at our future and say that like are our Visions for the future compatible they may not be exactly the same but can they work together like you know can we navigate our differences in a positive and healthy way because you will have differences you won't be compatible in every single department but you can have compatibility in how much grace you give to each other or how much compassion you give to your differences or how much you can laugh at your differences you know Audrey's constantly laughing at me for like my quirks and my eccentricities and she she's not like that but she finds them hilarious and she's like that's just you it's can you can you do that with each other that's that's that's compatibility too you're different but you manages the you manage the differences well they can even be a source of pleasure and joy and and fun yes and and so that's compatibility and a lot of people get really tripped up in order to have a meaningful lasting relationship you need all four of those right you can't stop at Mutual connection or mutual attraction rather cuz you need a commitment but you can't stop a commitment because you need compatibility how many people watching this episode or listening to this episode have been in a relationship before where they had a commitment but they were not compatible with this person and they were miserable yeah so so it's not enough to say I love someone is is Love Enough can you it's definitely not it's definitely not it it's it you can love you can love by someone who treats you horribly you know it's not uh so love's not all you need love is absolutely not all you need you're British come on no no the people well look it might be true in life world yeah yeah yeah but it's not true in in Intimate Relationships why is love not all you need in Intimate Relationships because you can be with uh someone who has a completely different value system than you and and be miserable if this person lies to you every day mhm what does it matter that you keep saying you love them this person's going to make you utterly miserable right right if someone gaslights you every day or if someone's idea of like the way they want to spend their life is constantly traveling around the world and you really want to be you want to create a community where you live and be close to your family and they just want to live a nomadic life for the rest of their life then the the love isn't going to you're not going to magically be happy because you love someone right you're going to love them and be miserable so what's the goal here is the goal your peace is the goal your happiness if so you have to start taking that as seriously as you take your love for the person mhm you can love a friend like that but you can't right you can't do it with an intimate partner because we expect too much yes from an intimate partner to be wildly incompatible with them and to still to to give our lives to a person that we're wildly incompatible with because it's if if it's If Loving You Is a odds with me being living a life of peace and happiness then then I can't choose love right in in this case in which I've got a couple final questions with you to follow up with that um before I do I want people to get the book love life how to raise your standards find your person and live happily no matter what make sure you guys get this a lot of great stories lessons Frameworks for creating a love that you want um not only with someone else but ultimately with yourself which is the most important thing is having that standard with yourself I have something I want to say on that as well before we wrap up because there's something very very important for that's in the book that will change the way people think about that love for yourself forever go ahead and share it now well the the we were just talking about this idea that you shouldn't be in a relationship that makes you unhappy right or that you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't meet your needs that fundamentally robs you of your peace or constantly makes you feel anxious constantly makes you feel like you're not good enough and there's a very big reason why you shouldn't be in a situation like that and there's a recipe for self-love that will make sure you never are in a situation like that again and it's not the recipe for self- Lov that's being prescribed out there in so many different places that I see there's a i the self- Lov concept makes me run away okay because it's so it feels so muddied by sort of generic self-help advice and it gets constantly conflated with self-care and it and it also just always feels a bit woo woo like I don't know how to connect to it yes I'm a very rational logical person I need a bulletproof way to connect to a concept or I'm not going to use it and whenever I heard anyone talking about self-love something about it felt somehow indulgent to me it felt egotistical it didn't and like ego is the problem right ego is the problem in the first place when I would ask audiences why should you love yourself cuz I if I said should you love yourself is it important everyone would yeah of course everyone agreed that was like important but when I said well why should you love yourself people were really struggled with the answer to that question and I would then I would wait for an answer I'd just sit there in Silence with the audience I did do this at my retreat every year for years I would just sit in silence while the audience came up with an answer to why to love yourself and eventually someone would say well because we deserve it and I say okay but why do you deserve it like let's explore that why do you deserve self-love why do you deserve love well because I uh I'm generous because I'm ambitious because I uh take care of my family because I work really hard because I they would start reeling off these qualities and I'd be like this is a problem because you're not those things every minute of the day so are you saying you don't deserve love when you're not those things and people would suddenly realize why are they hated themselves so much of the time because they were never living up to this thing that they thought if I'm these things then I'm lovable so anytime they said a mean thing anytime they were selfish anytime they didn't show up for their family anytime they didn't work hard they would suddenly go straight to I'm detestable I I I deserve contempt so that didn't work not to mention even on your days where you are those things there's always someone who's more of them so if someone can walk into the room and they're more hardworking or they're more ambitious or they're Kinder or they're more generous do they deserve more self-love than you deserve right that's a problem so all of that model is equivalent to giving yourself love on the days where you get an A in life but not on the days where you don't and to me I knew that was a way that I have beat myself up in a masochistic way my whole life CU by my standards I'm never living up to what I think I need to live up to in order to be deserving of love I've never worked hard enough as long as there's something on my to-do list still I go to bed thinking ah I didn't get that done H see couldn't get that done like I would wake up every morning in deficit going I need to earn my love today today you know like no matter how hard I worked it only counted up until midnight last night oh man and then I'd go to bed for 6 hours wake up and i' go right you're in deficit again now you've got to earn that love again that was how I lived my whole life so for me when I heard all these reasons why you should love yourself I was like this is this is exactly why I've found it hard to love myself and I believe that's the same for everyone else too so we have to get away from that model and I I almost think of that model almost like the Romantic model the way we fall in love with other people I I love someone else because there's they have all these great qualities and I want to get close to them and and and the truth is the closer we get to someone the more their mystery evaporates and the more familiar we get with them and even in relationships with other people what's the saying familiarity breeds contempt so the closer we get to someone the more we start to see their flaws and we forget about or take for granted all of the things they do really well the more we start to feel like ah this person is not as great as I thought or we get bored of them and over time a lot of long-term relationships end because there's contempt right familiarity breeds contempt well if familiarity breeds contempt who would we have more contempt for than ourselves we have spent every second with ourselves since the day we were born if familiarity breeds contempt when it comes to ourselves there's almost no room for anything else so what I realize is oh this model the Romantic model for loving ourselves is broken we're not going to ever fall in love with ourselves the way that we easily fall in love with other people we're going to need a more robust model and I started looking around for other places that that model existed so one of them was the parent child relationship where with a parent and a child if you ask a parent why do you love your child a parent doesn't say well because they got an A in maths yesterday and because you know have you have you seen how hard they work at school and you know they and they look so cute in that dress this morning and they just you ask why why do you love your child a parent will go they're my child they're mine well what if you took that model and you used that as your model for selflove how do you use that as your model well imagine that on day one first day of your life you were given a human whether by God or nature or whatever you believe it doesn't matter this works for all belief systems on day one you have a human you're lucky enough to get a human in the first place right most of the sperm that have ever existed never turned into a human so you got a human your job your only job in your life is to take care of that human yes you don't have any other job like you may take on lots of other jobs friendships marriage a career but the one job you always have no matter what is you have to take care of this human the car them nurture them support them encourage them stand up for them try to give this human the best life you can when you look at life through that lens and by the way when you were growing up someone else's job was to keep you alive but one no one told you at 18 years old or whenever you decided to go out into the world is hey from now on you have full custody of this human mhm so your job from now till the day you die is to give the this human the best experience of it possible comparison with other people through that lens makes no sense you can't exchange yourself for a different human it's not like you get to 25 and someone goes do you want to swap this human out for a different one you don't get to do that you just have this human so it's no point worrying about what you don't have or what you feel insecure about or the way your body is or the your face is or the how good of a brain you have compared to other people it's all irrelevant your only job in this whole thing is to make the best of this human and to try to give them the best experience you can when you think like that anytime I'm burning myself out I'm being horrible to myself I'm speaking badly to myself I'm not taking care of myself I'm not taking care of my health I'm not I'm working myself to the Bone I'll have moments where I catch myself and I'm like Matthew you had one job where have you been imagine someone saying to you why do you love yourself and you saying like a parent says about their child what are you talking about because I'm mine I'm my human I don't need to come up with qualities that make me lovable I love myself because it's my job it's an approach love isn't a self love isn't a feeling we have to get out of this mindset that loving myself is a feeling I have to feel you don't have to love yourself as a feeling you don't even have to like yourself To Love Yourself liking yourself can come later loving yourself starts today with the approach you take to taking care of your human and when you think like that it changes everything because all of a sudden that person we're talking about that makes you miserable you stop going but I love them and you start saying it's this is a complete abdication of my responsibility to to my human to continue to put my human around this person wow what what am I doing I'm sleeping on the job if someone is treating me poorly or if someone doesn't value me or if someone's constantly making me second guess my Worth or if someone keeps telling me they're not ready they're not ready they're not ready or they're not sure about me and believe them why am I putting my human around that person that's not me taking care of my human that's not me giving my human the best life I can give them why am I doing this to my human so that idea that it's my job to take care of my human it's not I don't have to wake up this morning morning and go I feel so in love with me you don't have to feel that you have to wake up and go what does it look like for me today what would I do today today what decisions would I make today if I was trying to give my human the best life I could give them that would change everything you do it's powerful man love life how to raise your standards find your person and live happily no matter what make sure you guys get a copy right now the book is out right now if you're watching this or listening uh then can go to um your website Matthew husky.com or actually it's lovebook.com and the reason I'd say life people can go to loveif book.com to get the book um and for anyone who what I said just resonated with you and it got you to think about your worth and the way you treat yourself your relationship with yourself differently I elaborate on that in a big way in the book this book is designed to help you with the three relationships that dictate your quality of life the relationship you have with other people the relationship you have with yourself and your relationship with life itself and um it's uh it's all in there and I I always say epiphanies are great but repetition is what actually makes the difference and everything that I'm talking about and a lot more is in that book for you to repeat over and over again and if you go to lovebook.com you can not only get a copy of the book but uh you'll get an exclusive ticket to an event that I'm doing on May the 4th called find your person which is uh really designed to take all of the ideas from the book and bring them to life in your year this year in a practical way so I I hope this can be both a co-pilot for anyone who's looking for love but also help people to find more peace and more confidence and more happiness today because life is too short to defer those things to a time when you have that person in front of you I think there's a very dark end of the spectrum with love bombing and there's a much more naive end of the spectrum with love bombing the sort of dark end of the spectrum is someone who's really trying to get you to move faster than you would organically move so that they can extract a lot of attention and value and love from you very very quickly but the

Channel: Lewis Howes

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Keywords: Lewis Howes, Lewis Howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success habits, success, wealth, motivation, inspiration, inspirational video, motivational video, success principles, millionaire success habits, how to become successful, success motivation

Id: 3Z7JMFGrzGc

Length: 80min 9sec (4809 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 22 2024