-Alright. We’re checking
out the only game that starts with a girl dead inside of a bathtub
after drinking a poisoned latte. [beep] It’s Detective Masters. Detective Masters is
what you get when you cross psychopathic developers
with the murder mystery trope. Everything in this entire
game is screwed up, and it’s your job to solve the mystery and then like throw
people into black holes, or put them into a giant microwave. You’ll understand. So, we’re met with our first case here. We must find four clues
in order to move on. Anytime I see a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, like this has to be [background
noise] totally a clue. I don’t like to think
that I’m perfect at solving crime, but there’s literally just
a wallet filled with money. That’s not a clue, hell. Also, how do I know that she’s dead? She could just be resting. [background noise] -Oh. -Oh, the entire girl was a clue. I like how her entire body here
and the bathwater disappeared on that. This is where we’re going with this game,
but the [?] over here, totally a clue. So it is totally possible that this is
her tie, but it does not match that dress. [background noise] Told you. All right.
So now, we move on to stage two. I have to find four more. Okay. So now it’s gotta-- O-okay, good. So things that I had clicked on before,
still kind of count. [background noise] Bam. Now we have to interview this witness. Lizzie Wilson. Was a friend of the murdered girl,
works in the brothel, and may or may not have a huge dent
on the left side of her head. Here we go. Oh, we’re just interviewing her right
next to the dead body of her friend. [background noise] You know what? Why not? "Hi, sweetie. My name is Red Butterfly." That’s like the dumbest
thing to lie about. No one has a name that bad. Although,
she actually does have a butterfly on her. "Okay. Actually, my name is Lizzie." I didn’t actually think
that your first name was Red and your last name was Butterfly. I thought it was more
like a superhero moniker. Like a super prostitutioner moniker. "I work in this brothel as an accountant." I love how that one,
the suspicion meter is like, "Hell, no." See, she’s only Red Butterfly
for eight hours out of the day, but she’s not an accountant
24 hours out of the day. My God,
she’s so angry she ate her own lipstick. Oh, it’s back. "Jane,
the deceased, and I were close friends." What’s her real name? She a Florida girl? Be like Crimson alligator or something. "And I know who killed her,
her regular client, a vile politician." You could have just said politician. So once we get through this-- Oh,
never mind. Thi-things just took a turn. She’s back to lying to me. I was gonna say, once we get through this,
we get to interview the guy and then beat the hell out of him and eventually throw him
inside of a black hole. Well, there’s a bunch
of different ways to kill him. That’s just the one
I would like to choose. What are you lying about? "Actually, he owes me a hundred bucks,
but he threatened Jane also." All right. Let’s see who the-- Really? [laughter] I’m sure this is one
of those games that’s like this person has no resemblance
to people living or deceased. That’s Ronald Gump.
Forest’s older blonder brother. "So, dear officer,
for what reason you called me?" I came to ask you about
your Google Translate grammar. "What makes you think
I was at the crime scene?" Both of these are amazing. Is this his underwear? I wanna choose this just to choose it. "A bold guess,
but I don’t wear a G-string." Listen it was 50-50. Okay. "Look, you moron,
I can use my influence to get you fired." [chuckles] Please don’t do this. I’m gonna let you folks know right now, anytime there’s something that costs gems,
I’m picking it. because it’s always the best op--
Oh my God, it’s a freaking taser. "Detective,
how about a reward for closing this case?" You got it. [chuckles] Oh, I can still execute him
even though I took the reward. Oh my God. I do get the black hole ending. I told you if-if I have the gems,
we’re spending it. Thanks for the money. You can keep the G-string. Later. Yay. What the hell is this? Hannah,
girlfriend, pretty girl from the cafe. Was there like a romance
side plot in this game? I didn’t think it was that deep. Why am I like interrogating her? Oh, is this like the love meter? "Good morning.
What would you like to order?" One black coffee, no sugar. How about your number, sweetie? Oh, God. What is the setup back here? This doesn’t look like a coffee shop. It looks like a real estate agent desk. All right. Go ahead with the number. "If you like sweets, I recommend
you try our specials, a chocolate cake." Oh, yeah. I recommend seeing a specialist for the stroke your left
side of your face just had. "By the way, I am Hannah. I’ve never seen you here before.
Aren’t you local?" I have an unremarkable face or I come
from the land of your dreams. This pickup line does not exist
in the world of dating. I’m picking it, though. "Wow. I’d never think a tough
guy like you can be so romantic." With that pickup line? I spent all my day tasing people
and throwing them into black holes. "What does a guy like
you do for a living?" Both of these answers are awful.
I’m not even really a detective. At this point,
I’ve just been beating people until they tell me what I wanna know. I have killed a lot of people, though. "This scar on your face,
was it another overly dangerous mission?" "A drug lord stabbed me in the face."
"I cut myself while eating canned tuna." Honesty is the best policy.
She doesn’t think so. I should have just lied.
"Do you have weekends? What are you doing this Saturday?" With everything that I’ve screwed
up she has a 10% likeability to deal with me and we could
still go out for dinner. Hannah,
I don’t know what the hell that was, but I’m going to go cry myself to sleep
after the lines I had to read you. What the hell happened here? How the hell are people
so angry about spaghetti? There is blood everywhere. [beep] It could also just be sauce. See now, as a detective, just like every
movie I’ve ever seen with detectives, you gotta taste evidence. You grab this right here,
you go, [smacks lips] "Yep, that’s human blood, all right. I’ve had plenty
of experience.’ How are none of these plates of spaghetti
with blood all over them, evidence? How about the hat?
Okay, the hat is evidence. How about this gun chilling
out against the window? I guess it could just be décor.
No, it’s evidence. Bullet casing? No. Random rose. Yes. Oh, it’s the guy with the hat. That’s why the hat was left behind. He’s probably like,
"Without my hat, they’ll never notice me." Oh, stage two now. Okay, so, ah, see? I knew the plate of spaghetti
with the blood all over it would eventually be there. Uh, okay. The bullet casing,
plant, and the dude with the pizza. Time to interview the witness. She’s a waitress
and her brother is a mafia boss. Wow,
there must be absolutely no connection. "My name is Claire and I am a waitress." Let me ask you something, Claire. Does this taste like blood to you? That’d be great if she was like,
"You like blood too? All right,
guess we’re going with the truth. "I saw how my boss was shot. I’m so sorry for him." So what happens if I screw this up? What if I’m like,
"Yeah, that sounds like the truth." "The shooter was wearing a suit and a hat,
just like a real mafia." You know, I’m gonna pick all the wrong
answers just to see what happens. "I’m telling the truth. Everything was just
like a godfather movie, but I have no idea who this Mafiosi is." Yep, truths all around.
I hope you catch him. I’ll bet you do.
Also, you gonna eat that back there? Oh, you actually have to do it over again? Son of a bi-- [beep] All right, you freaking liar. "In fact,
I don’t care my boss was such an asshole." Oh, maybe I should’ve been
choosing the right answers. That’s a much better reply. "Okay, it was my brother Marco.
He shot my boss." Good for him. "But Marco defended my honor.
The boss harassed me." I believe you. Scan the suspect. Why do I have to scan him? He has a gun right here in the open. ‘Is there anything under your hat,
good sir?" I can’t believe there isn’t. Oh, we have the rose. We have a bullet. There’s literally a bullet
just sitting on him. What kind of underwear are you wearing? [laughs] Okay, roll out, real quick. [laughs] What’s your favorite store in the mall? This guy’s like, "Victoria’s Secret." Is he carrying an entire
like tommy gun in his groin? I like how he said, "I was framed." Brother, if you managed to somehow shove
that through the fly of your pants, I should let you go. Time to interrogate the suspect. What are you looking at? "I’m a law-abiding citizen." "I’m Lady Gaga." You carry a gun. And he still has it in the interview room. I do want to choose the Lady Gaga one. You really look like her. I heard something about
a shooting in the café. It’s a travesty, but there’s no evidence. The evidence is apparently
that you have [background noise] thumbs the size of car hubcaps. What is this, game? This is not to scale, but I’m picking it. Seriously hold on. Hold on. Look at my thumb and look at this thumb. This dude’s like,
"I never skip thumb day." "Okay, I shot the boss of the café,
but he molested my sister. It’s justice." Oh, that got pretty deep. You know what? You may go. [background noise] I’ll blow up-- I just saw
I have TNTDs apparently. I’ll blow up the next guy. Oh, yes. Inside of an art gallery looking
for difficult-to-find clues, such as a can of spray paint
sitting on top of a pedestal. What do you know? How about the street? Yep, entire painting ripped from the wall. Sure thing. Footsteps. No? A bunch of crap. Crowbar. Why are these footsteps not evidence? Okay, this, this, uh. Oh, and apparently a clock. I don’t know why that’s evidence,
but sure. Got to interview the witness. Jason Parker, works in the art gallery. He’s a very arrogant snob. Finally, you are here. I am the owner of this perfect gallery. I thought about choosing
all the wrong answers, but now I just wanna kick this guy’s ass. "Okay, okay.
I’m not the owner. I’m his deputy." What the hell is a deputy
art gallery owner? Also, why do you hold your hands like
you’re getting ready to karate chop me? "The precious painting was stolen.
It’s worth hundreds of millions." Okay, so that’s a big lie so I’m guessing
it’s worth like a $20 Starbucks gift card. "Well, maybe not hundreds
of millions but just a million." Oh, we’re still going down this road. It’s a fake.
In fact, the painting costs nothing. Why am I even here? The sad part is is that it’s going
to cost more to wipe the graffiti off the wall than
it will to replace the painting. "The thief was able to bypass
our advanced security system." I don’t think this person’s
told one truth yet. We saved on surveillance cameras. Sean Mars, 19 years old,
suspected of stealing the painting and likes to draw graffiti
and play video games. I feel kinda bad I resonate with this young man
due to the video games, but I have to use
the TNT to kill somebody. "Hey, I know my rights. I want a lawyer." Actually, y-you’re correct. You actually do get a lawyer, but a lawyer won’t help you from
the TNT bit-- "By the way, is the stolen painting
really so expensive?" It’s a fake. I know, right? It’s crazy. Also, is that paint because
you suck at your job, or is that just like part of the shirt? "But I didn’t steal that painting.
Do you have any proof?" Yes, for some reason
you took the time to balance this paint can on top
of a very tiny pedestal. "My purple spray." You know what they say. If your spray is purple,
you should get that checked. Here’s the painting. Wow. It’s like a depressed Mona Lisa. Wonderful. Dollar general Mona Lisa. [background noise] Did you just spit at me? Screw you, you stupid jerk. Time to get-- woo-- Okay. It’s not a taser. I hit him with a frigging
ball-peen hammer. [laughs] "I think it got my pants wet." I’m surprised you don’t have brain damage. What kind of detective am I? Holy shit. His heart rate is 240. Wait a second. Can a person even-- I got to-- hold on. Hey, Google. What’s the highest heart
rate a human can have? -The fastest human ventricular
conduction rate reported to date is a conducted tachyarrhythmia with ventricular rate
of 480 beats per minute. -Okay. How’s your tachyarrhythmia ventric rate? That’s about half. Let’s see if we can get that up. Oh, no. What happened? There’s no TNT. Listen, we’re going for 50/50. See, I let the last guy go,
so you’re going to prison. Why is there a pair
of floating hands here? Oh, I’m with my girlfriend again. She’s 20 minutes late. "Being late doesn’t matter
‘cause she’s sexy." I don’t even know if I can
call her my girlfriend. I met this girl one time and I didn’t
really impress her the first time. "Yay. I’m so happy to see you, detective. What’s behind your back?" Roses or handcuffs? [laughs] I-I-I have to do it. I don’t have a choice. I have to do it. "Handcuffs? Seriously. It’s too early for bedroom games. I wonder if I can get her down
into the negative love area. Gosh, this restaurant is so luxurious. "Are you sure you can afford it?" I like how it’s,
"I thought it’s your turn to pay." This is the first date we’ve been on. Alright. This costs gems. I’ll pay for it. "Oh, la-la, a generous man
deserves my respect and many more." What is this dance?
What is this cursed dance you’re doing? Stop it. Stop. I don’t want your love anymore. Take it back. I can’t get rid of it. "I’ll take grilled scallops
with oyster sauce." Wait a second. Okay. Real quick. I need to go way back to
our very first conversation when I told her about the scar that I got from
eating a can of tuna or whatever it was. Didn’t she specifically
say that she hated seafood? You lied to me. Do you know what I do to liars? Apparently, I beat them with a hammer. "You are so moody today. Looking for suspects around us?" Not really.
I was just thinking about how you lied. Do you hear that?
Hear that sound in the background? Little bird sound. That’s the sound the lying
bird makes when it lies. I’m going to play into this girl’s hand. "Oh, I wonder what you think of me." Oh, I’m so glad you asked. "Maybe imagining what’s under my dress.
Spoiler: Nothing." Oh my God. This girl’s a hitman. There’s no way that this would be said,
ever. "Thanks for the beautiful evening. Can’t wait to meet you again." I don’t know how I did this. Stop winking at me. Stop it. Stop. She’s like, "I’m not winking.
I’m having a stroke." What the hell is this? What’s this? It’s like a dead guy in a florist’s shop? Are those some gardening shears? What did they cut
with the gardening shears? Considering where the blood is, it almost looks like they ripped
out this man’s heart with these. Like [?] him. If you know Indiana Jones,
you know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m guessing the shears are evidence. Is the man’s entire body evidence? Somehow it is not. But this spilled cup of coffee is. How about the gloves, whatever this is. I don’t know what that was,
but it’s a thing. I like how there’s just
like a random bottle of poison sitting next to this cactus. I need to interview this cactus. This cactus is like [?]. We’re on stage two, which means
I should finally be able to-- yes. Pick up the entire dead body. None of these plants matter. The pot does. The gloves do. I really wanted this cactus to be
important because I like cactuses. But apparently, this watering
jug instead is what was needed. Ah, time to interview a witness. Kevin Peterson, very loyal. He looks like Farmer Joe. Listen up, Farmer, Joe, I haven’t
killed someone in like three days. I’m getting real bloodthirsty. Why do you have blood all over you? He’d probably be like,
"I cut myself shaving." Shaving what? Your armpits? Okay, so he is a gardener. "There is blood on my shirt,
but I didn’t kill him." This is like a 50% lie. What, did you cut off his man wiener
with a pair of freaking garden shears? "No,
I’m just accidentally stained with blood." What? Accidentally stained with blood? That’s like saying you accidentally
shot someone, but not like, you know, you were holding the gun and the gun
went off, like they ran into your bullet. "When I found his body, I was scared
and called the police immediately." The lying bird is back. "His wife is grieving.
She even refused to go to the nail salon." It’s very traumatic. Mr. Miller was a good man. He certainly had no enemies. Listen, I’ve got a lot of time
and like 40 pounds of TNT. "In fact, he was such a cheapskate,
everyone hated him." I love-- Real quick. I love how this game is--
says this dude was very loyal. And in the end,
he’s like, "Oh, everyone hated him. Screw that guy. His wife didn’t even love him." Uh, the suspect. The suspect is huge. What is this lady? Like six foot two? All right, what do you got on you,
besides 12-inch stilettos? What the hell? Why are you carrying a bloody
pair of shears in your bra? That is both unhygienic and dangerous. She’s like, "Well,
I was trying to get away with murder." Yeah, well now, you have hepatitis.
What else you got on you? People come in this friggin jail. They end up with what the hell is this? They come in this jail and they end up with entire shotguns
hiding inside of their underwear. All right, we got Donna Miller
suspected of murdering her husband, received a huge inheritance. The evidence is, you know, the pair of bloody garden shears
that she keeps inside of her bra. "Explain immediately why
you brought me into this hole." Well, I haven’t killed anyone
in 72 hours and I’ve lost my mind." "How dare you suspect me? I love my husband
and I’m now in mourning?" "You’re dressed like for a celebration?" Let me pick out my finest grammar. Also what-what are you wearing like
an entire swan around your neck? "I have no motive to kill my husband."
"You want the fortune." Technically. I want the fortune. "Enough games, show evidence
proving I killed my husband." I mean,
technically both these are evidence. Well technically, this thing’s everywhere. It was on the crime scene. It was like sitting up against her boob. I’m pretty sure I tripped over this getting out of my car in the parking lot. "Where did you get that?" What did you forget about
the entire X-ray strip search thing? What do we have,
like MIB brain neutralizers in here? "Okay. My husband was seriously
ill and I eased his suffering." Wow. See, she’s begging for forgiveness. You could let her go
or you could burn her alive. Blood for the blood guy. "Oh no, I was going on a cruise to
spend the money of my murdered husband." You deserve this so much.
That’s right, flail. Oh, she actually is a pile of ash. Well, I just solved a few murders
and committed a few more. So, we’re right back to where we started. Anyway, folks, I hope you all enjoyed
this episode of Detective Masters. Till next time, stay foxy. Much love.
