What the ff- So I haven't mentioned this yet, but I am taking summer school I have a bunch of elective courses that I need to get out of the way So I thought, YOU KNOW WHAT? Now that I'm stuck at home, excellent time to do so I'm taking film critique, *furiously gags* And modes of reasoning *gags harder* But anyways, that's neither here nor there This week is reading week. So I sat myself down and ThUnK to myself: "why not take this week to read an absolute literary masterpiece?" oh god.. What have I gotten myself into? So this book series was written as twilight fan fiction We're off to a very good start here. Now I'm currently reading the lord of the rings. It's been wild. It's a hard book to read. But you know what? That's a piece of trash. Nobody cares about the lord of the rings. It's garbage. What we really care about is 50 shades of fricking grey WHA- So anyways, today is Monday, June 22nd. One day after my birthday. And it's time to devour this book series! I've never watched the Fifty shades of Grey movies. Like I'm a child of Jesus, okay? I don't engage in that deplorable behavior. Okay? Who the hell do you think I am? So I'm really going in to this blind. I mean, I have a vague idea that this is all nasty, this is making me uncomfortable type of content. Well that was okay uhh mhm Wha- huh- how do I even begin to explain this? Good morning everybody I have, like another 180 pages to read today. Yesterday was a riveting day. wow yeah It's fun, it's fun. It's really fun, it's really enjoyable. book's great. Fifty Shades Darker Fifty Shades Freed Fifty Shades STD Fifty Shades HIV In a span of, I think, 20 pages. (Disgust) They've done it TWICE I have no words. It's time for more Grey I think there's like 180 pages left so... We'll get that done in like 3 hours or so. And then we'll sit down and talk our feelings out about this mEss So yeah. I'm gonna start this reading on the toilet! Why do writers like to describe speech as a growl?? How do you growl something? Especially Something like THAT Okay so I finished the first book Let's have a little chit chat. I'm gonna give you a summary of everything that happened And then I'll give you an analysis So the story opens and Anastasia's living in Seattle with her best friend Kate Kate is a journalist for the University and she has to interview and write an article on the very rich and famous Mr. Grey But oh no, Kate has corona and she's sick so she can't go and interview Mr. Grey So Anastasia was all like, "That's okay, I'll go" So she goes and the interview is EXTREMELY awkward Christian Grey is super hot, sexy and handsome and Anastasia's got 5 left feet. She's extremely intimidated by Christian Grey, but she's also heavily turned on The interview ends, they both go their separate ways Anastasia is heavily infatuated with Christian Grey and she's doing that thing where she's trying to convince herself that she's not Now that's until Christian Grey shows up at Anastasia's retail job And gives her his business card Anastasia is obviously over the moon. Anyways a couple days later, Kate - Anastasia's best friend who also has corona wants Anastasia to set up a photoshoot with Christian so that she can get a photo of Christian for the article she's writing on him So they do that. They get their picture of Christian and Christian asks Anastasia out for coffee So, they have their little coffee date. Anastasia's leaving the coffee shop When she almost gets killed by a road cyclist But not too worry, because Christian lunges forward and saves her from the cyclist and they have this really awkward moment where Anastasia's in his arms and she's all like, "KiSs mE", and he's like, "No, I'm not the mAn for you" And then they're broken up even though they were never really together and it's only page 20 in the book So later that day, Ana's frustrated 'cause she's just lost the love of her life So she goes to the bar, to get drunk with some friends She picks up her phone and decides to drunk-dial Christian Grey Who's all like, "I can smell your blood alcohol levels through the phone!" So he jumps in his car, drives over to the bar that she's at, takes her back to his apartment where she's all like, "Okay, I'll admit it. You're really hot and I want you in my pants" So, when they're in the elevator going up to his apartment They make out for like 0.2 seconds before the elevator stops in another floor and a bunch of people come in So anyways, Ana recovers from her drunken state, she wakes up in Christian's apartment and goes home No funny business yet But that's enough to make Anastasia intrigued. So she calls up Christian again to try to discuss the possibility of the relationship Now with this, Christian says that he doesn't do relationships, you know He's a different kind of man, he doesn't do hearts and flowers. Turn's out. Hitting people's turns him on, and he's really into BDSM. Ma'am, this is a Wendy's. He continues however, because he introduces the concept of the submissive and dominant relationship and presents her with a contract outlining her roles as a submissive You know what she's supposed to eat, how she's supposed to dress, how many times a week she's supposed to work out What Quick note: if anybody's gonna tell me what the hell I'm supposed to eat.. I'm sorry but I'm decking you in the face. But anyways, back to the story, so Anastasia's like, "Okay, this is all good and fun, but uhmm, I'm uhh, [cOuGh] viRgIn." [coughing harder] Now at this revelation of sorts, Christian goes, "Aha, we can rectify this situation" So they do and... the-they do it Yeah. So once Ana's situation is rectified they get down to business, you know Christian gives Anastasia once more the contract and tells her to do her research on dominance and submissives Ana confesses to him that, "Okay finE, I want a relationship with you, but I want the right to re-negotiate this little contract" So they meet up, at a restaurant you know? To re-negotiate the contract and Anastasia's all like, "No butt stuff please" and then Christian's all like, "Sure, okay." Contract signed, let's get down to business they're doing their thing, their very messed up thing. One thing leads to the next, Anastasia rolls her eyes at Christian that makes Christian very angry and then he spanks her what Now Anastasia gets shaken by this whole experience and tries to hide her terror by going home She breaks down in her bed and guess what happens next. Christian Grey shows up and they do it agAiN~ Okay. Then we get filler for like 60 pages, now they're meeting Christian's parents Christian's in a grey suit, Anastasia's not wearing any panties, just another Friday afternoon~ It's a totally normal dinner Except for the fact that both of them sneak off and do it in a boathouse Now all this lavishness and extravagant and it's fun and all, but Anastasia's starting to feel conflicted because she feels like this relationship is slowly centered around her va-jay-jay and she wants - you know, romance she wants a boyfriend, she wants cOnNeCtIoN So, to get away from the madness and think things through, she goes on a trip to Georgia to meet her mom and spend some time with her, the two of them are having fun, you know they're living it up at the bar and then Christian shows up out of the blue, in Georgia This man really flew across the country to smash Ana That evening, they do it again in his hotel room, of course and then Ana confronts him about his inability to open up and show emotion. They talk it out, but Ana is still really conflicted about this whole relationship This is where the story just completely breaks down and it doesn't really make much sense She asks Christian to show her how bad the punishment could get I can't believe that I just said that out loud So he spanks her really hArd. She gets terrified, she gets flustered so she gets up and leaves and that's how the story ends wow wHaT I have to admit there's never really a dull moment to this book Right of the bat, the book gets going We're introduced Christian on the second page, they do it, by the 88th page If this was The Lord Of The Rings, the Hobbits were still eating breakfast and Bilbo were still be planning his birthday party. Now because of this, the story itself is rather monotonous There isn't much of a variety of intensity, it's all just kind of the same. Throughout the whole thing In fact, I'd go as far as to say that there's 483 pages of character introduction and setting a climax No rising action and that's it. There's no conclusion. I don't know if E.L James wrote this book with the second and the third books in mind because obviously that would change it and those two books would give her the opportunity to finish this one However, I'm not gonna put it past her that she this one with that much insight My next criticism is with the characters themselves. It's obvious that we are supposed to sympathize with Christian Grey. We learned throughout the story that his birth mother was a crack addict and abused him as a very young kid so then he was adopted, and later on, he was sexually abused by an older woman And because of this, he does have a hard time building relationships with people and intimacy Now, here's the thing. It's hard for me to have sympathy this character because he's so fricking annoying He's so possessive over Anastasia, especially when he's doing all that punishment crap It's like you wanna turn around and slap him across the face The whole time you're reading this, you're like, "Anastasia, get the hell out of there!" and that's not even me mentioning the creepy aspect of his character. Anastasia herself describes Christian as a possessive, controlling character you know he's a stalker, she literally says that in the book. Before they've even met the second time Christian already knows her name, her family, her social insurance numbers, where she works, where she lives like Excuse you?? Now as for Anastasia, I mean what even there's for me to say like it's the common Oh- "I'm-so-ugly-but-everybody-else-tells-me-that-I'm-beautiful" trope and I mean, E.L James is working in over time to try to prove us, how awkward Anastasia is. She has this really weird behavior in the book where she's constantly biting her lip even in unprovokative situations who does that?? like i'm sorry your lips are gonna fall off. Anastasia's also constantly blushing Like every two sentences, she's flushing red and I've never seen so many different ways to describe the same thing I flush I - blush pink I blush crimson I'm scArlEt There's a very weird power dynamic in between both Christian and Anastasia It's the common 'lamb-meets-lion' power dynamic that's very similar in Twilight. So essentially what E.L James did was take everything that made Twilight mildly problematic and cranked it up to a 10 The other that's really hard to kinda wrap your head around this book is that this relationship really is not just about Making the beast with two backs, if you know what I mean. Christian just throws money at Anastasia, literally You know what this is, you know what this is? This is glorified sugar baby fanfiction Probably Christian Grey's only redeeming quality is that he's a Britney fan. The last thing I want to say is just a quick thank you to the publisher of this book I just want to say thank you so much for making the font size 100 and margins this big because as someone who has just been reading The Lord Of The Rings, where they try to fit the whole American constitution on each page this is really easy on my eyes so thank you I'm gonna end this segment with a dramatic reading of some of my favorite lines out of the book I flush I must be the color of the communist manifesto Necrophilia isn't really my thing Time to face Mr. Confusing It feels like I've traveled back in time to the 16th century in the Spanish inquisition Do you want to play on your Xbox?? Coitus interruptus I'd like to claim your ass Your ass will need training I have no ass I followed my heart and now I have a sore ass Why he hasn't given me back my panties?? I thought that i'd start the second book on my balcony, you know? We're high up, we're far above the ground 50 Shades Of Danger if you what I mean Let's begin, shall we?? You know, I really don't think I thought my decisions through when I first purchased this book series on Amazon I really should have listened to that notification that said that my payment had been declined I'm pretty sure that was God telling me that I really shouldn't pay for this and buy it I mean, what have I got myself into now?? 50 Shades Of Confusion that's for sure Guess what? We're on page 15 and they're already back together again what's going on?? No really 15 pages in, are you sure about that? are you sure about that miss Anastasia?? do-do you want to think through about a bit more?? good morning okay, so here's the thing here's the situation, i'm already done of this like i'm tired, i want-i want over, y'know so i'm gonna finish this book today, i don't care i'm eating this whole thing in one sitting, y'know just one bite, it's almost 9am right now, i'm gonna start i have about like 440 pages to go so,, [laughing] this is my favorite thing ever i've come to the park to read and i've just realize what a terrible mistake i've made what if somebody walks by and asks what i'm reading? Am i gonna have to hold up this book like a fricking idiot?? That's gonna be the most embarrassing thing i've ever encountered if that actually happen, i think i'm moving to the moon you know while reading this second book i wonder to myself if there was a soundtrack to this movie and i found it, y'know on Amazon i found the vinyl and i was about to buy it when my subconscious kicked in and told me: "Joana, your credit card away you're not spending your money on that crap" okay so we're doing the same thing again y'know, little summary and then some analysis Chapter 1: Anastasia's at work, at her new job, she works at a publishing company, her boss; Jack Hyde is extremely creepy and you can that he's kinda trying to make some advances at her she's 3 days post Christian and she's starting to miss him, but not for long everybody because of a little something called plot convenience everybody say it with me: "I'm grateful for plot convenience" so one of Ana's friends is a photographer and he's having an exhibition and Ana wants to go but she needs a ride are you thinking what i'm thinking? we're all the same vibration it's time to call Jamie Dorn- i mean Christian Grey and just like that y'know, a need for a ride has brought our two characters together again that's it 5 days of conflict 14 days of misery and bOOm Anastasia's in a helicopter, and in his bed once again, so the exhibition goes fine, they talk it out, they go their separate ways, they decide:''You know what, we need some time apart, think things through a bit'' so Ana goes to the bar with her work buddies, including Jack. And Jack is making advances on her being all creepy and things but then Christian Grey swoops in and save her~ anyways they go home,, and they have sss- [i think you all know what that means ;)] tWicE then this like nonsense for 50 pages :0 and here is where we're introduced to our first main, antagonist so Leila is one of Christian's ex-submissives i said that, that's a thing she misses him, she misses him dearly and she's jealous of Anastasia so she's back for a revenge, also she has a warrant to carry a gun >:D that's kinda terrifying moral of the story is: Leila's seeing red, and she's unhinged so she finds Anastasia outside of her office and just stares at her, and the two of them have a staring contest and this is when we realize that they both look the same. connecting the dots here.. Christian Grey has a thing for brunettes. anyways do you guys want to know how much money Christian makes?? so literally on like the next page from this little encounter and we find out that Christian Grey makes roughly and i quote: ''A hundred thousands dollars an hour'' whAt so 100,000 dollars an hour, that's 2.4 million dollars a day this man is making 9 hundred million dollars a year, i'm sorry but like what do you have to do to make that much money?? no really, like- what job do you have to- whAt and not to mention what would you even do with that much money?? like what can you buy?? with 9 hundred million dollars you buy a planet? actually that would be pretty cool i would by a planet if i had 9 hundred million dollars okay you know what this is too much none sense let's get back to the story here okay so we get another 16 pages of like unnecessarily gratuitous sex scenes- OH NO i said it NOO- this is where we have our second major conflict of the book Leila, remember her? Christian's crazy ex with the gun, she has thrown paint on Ana's car and slashed her tires good luck on having insurance paper on that one actually, does Christian Grey have insurance? does he even need to-he can pay for it, 9 hundred million dollars a year, yeah it's like, ''Frick you money'' okay so Anastasia's going home from work one day and she opens her door to her apartment and bOOm Leila is standing in her kitchen with a gun, pointed straight at Anastasia what the hell's happening? This was supposed to be kinky Twilight. so they have like 5 minutes of just staring at each other, and Anastasia's just slowly trying to calm the situation down but no worries, because Christian just barges through the door and he's like: ''Ana are you okay??'' so Christian thankfully is able to take his crazy ex to the hospital and because of this Anastasia gets extremely jealous so y'know, they bicker and fight they're being irritating as hell and all of the sudden Christian asks Anastasia to marry him and with that, y'know, the Leila conflict is over and we're just past halfway through the book so this is when the story takes a bit of a detour we starts to focus more on Ana's creepy boss Jack Hyde remember him? great because this is where things are gonna ramp up So Ana is late to work one day, because she stayed up, last night, partaking in a certain physical activity with her boyfriend. And because of this, Jack is extremely angry at her. He's rude, and he makes Ana stay late, so that she can catch up on the time she missed in the morning. So it's 7 PM, Ana's in the kitchen, y'know, making a little snack, And Jack.. walks in, shuts the door behind her, and oh no, I think we all know where this is going. He tries to make a pass at her, and it's really disturbing, but Ana turns around, kicks him in the nuts, and runs like the wind. Now thankfully, Christian is outside the building waiting for her, y'know, 'cuz she's late and he's worried about her. Anastasia tells him what Jack has done to her. He runs back in, and hands Jack his ass. At this point you know, I'm like, "Holy crap this is intense," It's like one thing after another and it's over the span of five pages. The story just got 10 times more entertaining. We have action, we have intense character development, you know, for once, in the story, Anastasia's finally standing up for herself. Where's the story going to go from here? Well, it's going down south, very down south. You know why? Because the very next scene, Christian and Anastasia go back to his room, and do butt stuff. Okay so, we're in the last hundred pages of this book, everybody. We're in the home stretch. calm down. So Christian has to go to Portland on a business trip, and he decides to go buy a helicopter, his helicopter. You know, stupid rich people business. But don't worry, He's going to be back that night. That evening, he doesn't show up. Uh oh, panic mode! So all of a sudden, you know, everybody is tense, everybody's freaking out. Christian's entire family and Ana, they all huddle, in this extremely expensive penthouse And just nervously pray to god, that he hasn't crashed his helicopter or something like that. Two hours of anxiety later, Christian walks through the door, a rugged survivor man, you know, surpassing every obstacle nature has to throw at him He survived wind, and fire. He's not the revenant, I'm gonna shut up. He's wearing a friggin' business suit. So what happens was this: his engine caught on fire, he safely landed the helicopter, and then they hitched a ride with a passing vehicle, and that's it. And that's pretty much how the story ends. That's it, the story's over. ... No it's not. The epilogue is one page long, and boy does it set it up for the third book We find out that Jack, Ana's disgraced boss, the one that got beaten to a pulp, turns out he sabotaged Christian's helicopter, in an attempt to kill him and extract revenge on Ana. So, let's talk. This book, definitely not as boring as the first one. There was a lot more conflict. It wasn't so centered on both of the characters. Apart from that, however, similar to the first book, it's rather monotonous. It's all just kind of the same intensity. The moments of action are rather fleeting, and they're not too fleshed out. For instance, the whole Leila conflict, where she's standing at Anastasia's apartment with a gun pointed at her - it lasts maybe, like, three quarters of a chapter, and then that's it. There isn't much mention of it anymore. Now because of this, you know, there's just too many things happening in the story. The events? They're not really connected and they don't flow into each other, that's what it feels like. There's many events, that honestly, if we took them out of the story, nothing would change. Dialogue? It has gotten much more contrived and awkward in this book. It doesn't seem like the conversations between Ana and Christian are that natural, and it's kind of cringy, honestly. There's a there's this thing too, oh my god. Ana keeps calling Christian, 50, as in, fifty shades, because he's fifty shades of effed up, and I keep on thinking that she's referring to Fifty Cent, haha. The other criticism that I have is, Ana and Christian as characters in this book has become so boring. They do have relationship issues, And yeah, that's an interesting aspect of the plot, but it's hard to even get involved in something that feels so vapid. I'd like to have sympathy for Ana and her needs, and I'd like to admire Christian, and see this kind of infatuation that everybody seems to have with him but but it's impossible, because, these characters are just so bland, you know. They're just white bread. The only interesting part about them is that they are both bathing in an obscene amounts of cash. What sucks too, is that there is a lot of potential in this book. You learn a lot about Christian's family and his security team in this book And I ended up liking all of them more than these two. By far, my favourite character, is Taylor, Christian's security guard. He's awesome! I love him! you know? He's badass, he's quiet, he's intelligent. There's this scene, where he hooks up with Christian's maid, Mrs. Gail, and I'm just like *clap clap clap* YEahHHhhHh He beats up Jack Hyde, and I'm like, "Oh my god, yEss, gO! Yes Taylor! This is it! Kate, Anastasia's best friend, she's so much cooler than Anastasia! Mia? Christian's sister? Amazing character! You know, she seems so interesting, and I'd love to know more about her, I don't care about Anastasia. Yeah, other than that, y'know, it was okay. Was it better than the first one? I think so. But I think it's just because I was a little more entertained by, you know, the conflict in it. It's definitely more dramatic and high energy than the first one Anyways, Time for the third one! *crowds booing* Okay I'm back. This is just, I'm giving you the information we all need and we all want. I don't even have my microphone on what the hell- So they're on a honeymoon, they're on a honeymoon, they're in Europe. Did I tell you they're were on a honeymoon? *laughs* During their honeymoon, we also find out that someone, has set fire to the raaaiin During the honeymoon, we find out that somebody, has set fire to Christian's office. Spoiler alert: it's Ana's disgraced boss, Jack Hyde But unfortunately, Christian Grey has like two brain cells and hasn't connected the dots together. Anyways, a couple of days later, their honeymoon's over, they're back at home, Ana and Christian decide to have lunch with Christian's family. So they go, they eat, and they have fun, Christian plays some stuff on the piano and sings and his parents thinks he's like the second coming of Christ or something And then they're driving home, and get ready for some excitement, because they find out that they're actually being followed cAr ChAse, OoOoOhHh Fifty shades of Fast and Furious! *chuckles* So we're in car chase mode, you know? They're hitting 110 mph down the freeway, and then Christian has the wherewithal, thankfully, to think "Why don't we hide in that parking lot while our pursuer drives by and we'll be safe!" So they do that they hide in the parking lot, and they do it, again. Now at this point, Christian has put his brain together, and connected the dots and thought "Hey, maybe, Jack Hyde was the one behind all of this craziness!" So he increases the security on everybody. He FIRES a bunch of people. Then, on page 200, Christian is in New York, on a business trip. Anastasia is at work. She goes back home And oh no! The apartments has been broken into, by none other than, Jack Hyde! Now thankfully, one of Christian's bodyguard is present, and karate chops Jack Hyde, making him unconscious, Christian hears about this obviously, and he's super angry. So he returns home. This is the kicker, ladies and gents. Ana finds out, she's pregnant. Oh no, Christian Grey's not going to be too happy about that! And he's not. When Anastasia breaks the news to him, he throws a temper tantrum, walks out, and gets drunk! Excuse you?! You should've worn a condom- So for one week, the two of them are mad at each other. They don't talk to each other silent treatments in full effect, nobody wants to be the one to break the streak Ana goes to work. She wants to get away from this madness, Ana's working at her desk, grinding, all of a sudden, she gets a phone call *phone rings* "Hello?" "Hi, this is Jack Hyde, your disgraced boss, I want revenge against you, and Christian. I've kidnapped Christian's sister, and I'm gonna kill her, if you don't bring me five million dollars in two hours. Do you understand? If you tell anybody, the security guards, Christian, your family, God, I will know and I will kill Mia. Do you understand?" So, uh, this is a blackmail story now. *laughs* So Ana, evades her security team, grabs the money, grabs the gun, and runs Then she meets Jack, gives him the money, but that's not enough for Jack So he slaps her across her face, she falls to the floor. But then, Ana's all like, "Wait! I have a gun!" So she turns around, and shoots Jack in the leg! Jack falls to the ground, but then Christian Gray shows up later, and he's like "Oh no! Ana! You're pregnant and hurt!" So he whisks her off to the hospital, and that's it. The end. Story's over. I'm kidding, Jack's arrested, Ana recovers in the hospital, she gives birth, she's fine. In the epilogue, it's 2014, they've had another child, and they've moved into a countryside mansion, and that's it, y'know? That's the story. You know, the book ends, in 2014, so I'm really left wondering, you know, how are they dealing with all this covid mess? Like, are we quarantining? I hope you know, that all that kinky business, is not social distancing. So, I have to admit, that this book was definitely the most boring one out of the series. Despite all that being said, however, I have to admit that this book is probably the most organized one of the bunch. It's the least monotonous of the three. You can tell that it starts down here, and ends up here. So in that aspect, the author did a good job with this book. At this point however, the copulation scenes, they stop shocking you. So honestly, I skipped all of them *chuckles*. There's nothing of value, in I'd say like 95% of them, it's really just there for filler, and for entertainment. But yeah, there isn't much more to say about this book that hasn't already been said, most of the criticism that I've applied to the other two can be applied to this one too What I have to say about all three of them, even though nobody asked, So in conclusion, you know, there's no real overarching message here I mean, I don't really know what to say, like none of these characters are role models, You shouldn't try to be like any of these people, you shouldn't aspire to be like them. The weird romanticizing of borderline abusive relationships and pedophilia are enough to make YOU run for the hills *laughs* Like, if this video didn't depend on it, I would've stopped after the first book. At the end of the day, this book, is really only here to serve as an opportunity for readers to indulge in their darkest fantasies. And if that's the case, have at it. You know, if all you want is just *clapping* then this is the book for you. But if you're going to go into it looking for a story, then nahh You're better off reading something else I mean, really, I only know one gray book. And that's between shades of gray, by Ruta Sepetys. So, if you wanna read an actually good book, you should read that one. It's great, the pacing is amazing, the story's intriguing, I've read it three times so far, and you should definitely read it too. You know, I don't know what's worse. The fact that I made this video, or the fact that all this information is now living in my head, rent free. Okay, that's it, you know what? I'm done. this is stupid I'm probably- this video is probably going to get demonetized anyway. Okay, goodbye--
