How To Tell When It's Over

[Music] all right I'm coach Cory Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter and the topic of this newsletter is going to be how to tell when it's over I've got an email here from a woman who's struggling with a relationship that she's involved in and it sounds like she's pregnant with the guys child who she's having trouble with so I got a quote I'd like to share before we get into her email and it says it takes two people to make a relationship work when two people get together they tend to focus on what they like about the other person over time as problems and challenges arise they tend to focus on what they don't like about the other person when things go bad the communication tends to stop and both people start holding back the purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give the only way to turn around failing relationships is to get back to giving having fun making love and communicating to meet each other's needs otherwise the relationship is sure to end I was talking with I had a client that I was talking with today and he's in a situation where he's trying to save he's also start trying to save a relationship that he's involved in and he has a child I think was it was his wife as a matter of fact he's like I deal with this a lot and it's just interesting when you talk to people how their story comes out about what they tell themselves about the situation that they're in and so as I'm listening this guy and he's telling me about his situation and what's going on he's talking from the position of a guy who's relationship is already over and the divorce is definitely going to happen and so he's showing up getting together on his dates that he's having with his wife and his child and he's already in his mind kind of made up his mind that it's already over and it can't be salvaged and so as we're talking he's like Cory what do i do what do you think I should do about this we think I shouldn't do about that and I would tell him it's like before I even finish the sentence he's already given me the reason well why that's not going to I tried that three months ago or four months ago and I said the past is not equal the future I said with your attitude I promise you if you keep up going the way you're going this you're definitely one our percent guaranteed to get a divorce you've got to participate in your own rescue and when I was doing was pointing out not only his own self-talk but his model of the world in his belief system and how that was hindering him from showing up today because his wife is still giving him a chance to salvage things and repair the bond and the connection that they have but when he already in his mind is kind of coming from the position of presupposing that it's over and all is lost he's holding back he's not doing the things that he knows he should do out of fear that it's over and if you it's like you've probably heard me say many times what you fear you're going to attract and what you resist persists and tends to expand so let's get into this woman's email and go through it she says hello I'm currently in a relationship for almost two years now and I am pregnant also me and my partner have been working have been having problems and by problems I mean that he blames me for them he always tells me that I am busy pushing him away and the more I continue doing that he will start carrying less and less about me I just can't seem to get to open up to him emotionally as he is constantly in a mood of some sort so what's interesting is seeing this from a woman's perspective who's going through a very similar situation like the the client that I was telling you about earlier and like you've probably heard me say that women want to feel safe and comfortable in a relationship and as a man it's your job to be the leader in the relationship and as a man masculine energy is about purpose Drive mission succeeding accomplishing breaking through barriers and obviously if your woman is shut down to you emotionally you've got to break through that barrier with your strength it's you showing that you love or not telling her but showing that you her by staying present with her and getting her to open up to you but obviously if she stays closed down to you then eventually it's kind of like a plane or a pilot that gets himself into a flat spin and then he gets disoriented when ends up happening is he's already losing altitude and when he does he tends to pull back and the stick and all that does is cause his stall to become worse and worse until exactly what they fear happening which is obviously the plane crashes and they have died in the crash that's basically what happened to JFK jr. I think I don't think he was instrument certified but he was visual certified the weather wasn't that great and he got himself into a flat spin and he kept pulling back in the stick and it just continued to make the stall even worse and unfortunately he lost his life but the idea is that if you're in one of these situations with a relationship is to is to become aware of what you're feeling inside what your emotions are and what your thoughts are what your self-talk is is because if you're thinking positively that you can say this you can turn things around the actions that you take are gonna be very different than as oh my god I don't want this in I don't want to stand it's probably not gonna work out she's probably gonna reject me if I make a move on her what you fear you attract and what you resist tends to expand it becomes bigger so obviously it takes two and since I'm talking to the woman in this case here she's really the only one that I have the ability to influence because she's the one that's gonna be watching this me read this this email so she says as times goes by we communicate less and things are so bad that we could be sitting in the same room for five hours and not even say one single word to another well that's definitely not going to help your situation since I'm not talking to the guy I can only talk to you the woman who wrote this you've got to be the bigger person you've got to get him to talk by asking him questions and you got to ask him where he's coming from because if you just sit there and you wait for him to figure this stuff out cos he's obviously not the one that's reaching out for help and he's not trying to do anything to fix things it's just gonna continue to get worse until they break up which you obviously fear chilly happens you've got to tell him what it is that you want tell him how you want things to get back to the way they were and asking questions like what do you think needs to happen in order for us to do this in order for us to get back to that place and understand where he's coming from one of the things that I learned from the documentary fog of war with Robert McNamara who is the secretary of defense back then 20 30 years later he got together with all the guys that were the leaders during for North Vietnam there were his counterparts or his adversary if you will to figure out where they went wrong what they could have done differently and one of the things his life lessons that he learned was he says you got to empathize with your enemy in other words you got to walk in their shoes and you got to get to a place where you can literally look through their eyes and see what they see and feel and try to feel what it is that they're feeling because that's the only way that you're gonna understand them and if you pay attention to politics or what's going in the world most of the people that are leaders not only in our country but all around the world they have a real problem with that they have a real problem trying to walk in the shoes and look to the eyes of the people that they tell us are supposed at enemies when the real problem is is that they don't even understand our enemies because they throw on a label on them and they don't even talk to him it can act like a bunch of high schoolers well that's not gonna solve anything so she says you know other than the fact that sent a roofer I mean I've five hours not talking man that's that's like elementary school type of stuff it's like you can't fix your relationship acting that way she says on top of this he's become very secretive about things he lies he changes his password on his phone etc well are you going through his phone and accusing him of doing things I mean obviously that's not helping him feel like you trust him I mean obviously he's lying he's devious and that's a real problem it's hard to have a healthy relationship with somebody who was a liar and one of the ones I wrote about in my book that I really loved and I really about it she had a devious streak to her and she would lie and deceive me and that totally destroyed my trust for her and my ability and so like when I didn't feel like I no longer could trust her I started holding back I stopped putting my best foot forward because in my mind I just couldn't see the relationship working out if she's going to be this way at the end of the day people don't change who they are they'll become a better version themselves but at the end of the day they are who they are because it's like in this particular case my my name is girlfriend that's just the way she was she learned this from her parents that was something that everybody in their family that's just what they were used to doing and so my only real choice in that particular case was to put up with the deviousness or get out of the relationship and that's to me is our major red flag if you've got some if your boyfriend is being this is deceiving you you can't really fix that I mean that it is the way that it is she says he's also been in contact with his ex-girlfriend whom he's been in contact with and not so long ago I found messages from her saying how she misses him and he would also reply to the messages saying that he misses her too well in essence your boyfriend is blaming you for the break-up because it's obvious that you're holding back but the same token he's lying to you he's deceiving you and he's talking to his ex-girlfriend in essence he's lining up a replacement in case your relation he's got somebody to go to if your relationship doesn't work out so in his mind he's already presupposing that your relationship is going to end but he's blaming it on you and you may have heard me say this before no one will ever do or say anything that isn't a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment so in this particular case he's saying it's all your fault but in reality he's just projecting what's inside of him when deep down he knows at some level that him lying to you and deceiving you and talking to the ex-girlfriend is not doing anything to help the relationship but he doesn't want to take any responsibility for it so we call cognitive dissonance it's like we don't want to take risk ability we don't take responsibility that our politicians are lying to us left and right we want to believe that the people that we elected are going to do the right things just like in this particular case it's like he doesn't want to take any responsibility for the fact that his behavior has being secretive his lying to you it's obviously gonna call any would cause anybody to back away say hey I can't really trust this person she says I want to be in this relationship but at times I feel that it's not worth fighting for any longer well it takes two to make a relationship work and unfortunately in this case he's not willing to make an effort he's already talking to an ex-girlfriend talking about how much he misses her but yet he's blaming you for the fact that you're pushing him away it's like and I understand where you're coming from it's like I've been in that kind of situation with somebody that's just unfortunately it's something you can't fix you're your boyfriend is not going to become you can't snap your fingers and expect him to become an honest person and really the only choice that you have is the accept that he is the way that he is she says he would constantly tell me that I'm pushing him into the ex-girlfriends arm arms how could this be the truth I don't know what to do anymore I need your advice well I mean the only thing you can really do is have a real honest talk and say you know what if you're gonna continue talking to your ex-girlfriend and you're gonna continue lying to me and deceiving me then this relationship is definitely going to be over it's not going to work out but if you want things to work out between us if you want me to open up to you then you've got to show me through your actions and your words that you're willing to make the effort and you're either gonna make the effort or you're not and obviously if you're not then the relationship is definitely going to end and you've got to be completely honest with what you got understand if you're talking to a guy us guys we tend to be very logic we're like dogs mean it's like sit lay down roll over you've got a tell tell him it communicate to him explicitly what it is that you want to do or what you want would like to see him as far as the level of effort you can't there's a lot of women tend to most women tend to communicate implicitly by using examples and talking about related type of things hoping that he'll kind of decipher your examples and understand what you're coming from if you try to communicate with the average guy that way he's not going to understand you he's not going to get that of course unless he's studied the things that I teach her he's learned it from somebody else so in this particular case you're gonna have to be the better communicator but a major red flag that I see here is that he's deceiving you when he's lying to you and I mean even if things got back you got back together and things became better you're still in the back of your mind hearing a down him because he's obviously lying to you plenty of times and that's what I came to realize about my own acts go friend is that much as I loved her as great as she was in bed as much fun as weight we had together as much as I loved being with her and I enjoyed her family you just can't fix that you that person is just not gonna change when they become fearful or they think things aren't going to work out they go back to their normal operating system which is in essence being a pathological liar if you will and you can't have a healthy relationship with somebody who's not willing to be honest and authentic with you and unfortunately that's the way he is so you're only your only option is to communicate with them and if he won't communicate if you won't make the effort then unfortunately your relationships just simply not gonna work out you deserve to be with somebody who will be authentic with you I will talk to you soon you

Channel: Coach Corey Wayne

Views: 670,268

Rating: 4.762557 out of 5

Keywords: How, To, Tell, When, Its, Over

Id: -kUlc3WbpmA

Length: 14min 58sec (898 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 06 2013